Monday, September 13, 2010


Last Monday, I heard your laughter directed toward one Alicia Fox. Firing your hate missiles of pompous cynicism, you attacked this innocent woman for confusing one word with another. "She said undefined when she should have said undisputed. I am audibly expressing my amusement with repetitive mouth sounds. I feel empty." Bravo to you, good fellows. I would bow down before you, but I might accidentally breathe on your golden pedestal. As she cried on the inside, I hope you revelled in the moment on the outside. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. How do you sleep at night, in the morning, and at noon?

For the first time in the history of this site, I must say that I do not think much of you. Besides being a decent human being with a sassy walk, Alicia Fox wasn't wrong in proclaiming herself to be the “undefined champion of Divas.” Just because you never heard the term before does not mean she made it up on the spot. Perhaps you should join your country's Olympic Track & Field team. Why is that, you ask? Because you guys and gals would be perfect for the long jump as you seem to have no problem jumping from one ignorant conclusion to another.

If I must clear Alicia's name by defining the undefined Diva, I will make no hesitation to do so. Around the world, young and impressionable girls are at a crossroads, trying to figure out which life path is best for them. For their sake, I hope they embrace the advantages of a life undefined. Once they're old enough, they can spend their days confusing and frustrating those who do not take kindly to alternative ways of speaking. I thought we were living in 2010, not 2009.

I have many hats. In addition to being an gifted writer, actor, and dancer, I am a talented defender of WWE Divas. Before I throw down the knowledge, somebody fetch me my Alicia Fox Apologist hat with the fancy feathers.

Show Your Range

An undefined Diva is capable of showing many emotions. More often than not, these women turn out to be successful and accomplished performers of the stage and screen. Around town, they can be seen with their heart on their sleeve, made possible by a strenuous, twelve-hour operation. First, a surgeon removes the Diva's heart from her chest. After the heart is separated from her body, a group of seamstresses stitch the heart onto the sleeve of her garment of choice. When the heart and sleeve are one, the Diva is free to wear said piece of clothing anywhere she may roam.

In World Wrestling Entertainment, Melina is one of the only individuals who has undergone this painful yet beneficial procedure. The following chart shows that the current WWE Divas' Champion never hides her feelings, opening up to a world that is often kind, but always cruel. If you are a female who does not boast a symmetrical face of stone, you are likely an undefined champion of Divas.

Begin and Maintain A Vague Relationship With The Big Show

The Big Show — The World's Largest Athlete (If You Don't Consider The Great Khali To Be An Athlete) — has befriended such lovely ladies as Joy Giovanni and Kelly Kelly. In both instances, wrestling fans have no clue how those friendships happened, nor what they entail. One moment, Joy Giovanni is standing there without a friend (special or not). The next moment, she is vaguely palling around with The Big Show while occasionally being trapped in limousine trunks. In the case of Kelly Kelly, I guess her friendship with Show started out of her enjoyment for sitting on shoulders while questioning the comedy of others. When our family band was still together and touring, Kelly used to sit on my shoulder until it got tired. If Kelly learned how to play any instrument other than the tambourine, maybe we could schedule a reunion tour.

With or without explanation, an undefined Diva is not afraid to befriend The Big Show. This lack of fear is due to the fact that she does not know when that friendship will begin, nor what will it take to maintain it. One day, The Big Show will show up to your house and start playing with your Legos. If you let him, you will soon find comfort in your undefined skin.

Know The Consequences Of Your Actions

The carefree lifestyle of a WWE performer affects Divas in different ways. For some, the freedom of travelling the globe in skimpy and glamourous clothing is a welcome break from everyday adulthood. For others, a life of luxury and zero responsibility leads to their ultimate downfall. In the event that you acquire a championship title, think before you act. The last thing you want to do is make a choice that you will regret, such as splitting the championship in half with your Best Friend Forever.

The differences between Divas with whole and partial WWE Women's Championship titles are staggering. Random studies that you can find at your local library show that WWE Divas with whole championships are 80% less susceptible to sexually transmitted diseases. Another study in the November 2008 issue of the Boston Medical Pop-Up Journal claims that the jagged end of real and replica WWE Women's Championship title pieces caused over 2,000 fatal eye injuries to children and animals under six years of age. No matter which version of the title you hold, an undefined Diva is already aware of these advantages and disadvantages.

Your parents and teachers told you about the dangers of splitting championship titles in half. While a number of you took that advice to heart, a few of you didn't bother to listen. At the time, you thought nobody would get hurt, but the five minutes of fun you had ended up creating a lifetime of regret. Now, you must look after your broken title piece like a newborn babe. In addition to ruining a perfectly good belt, you've brought great responsibility upon yourself. How are you going to pay for your broken title's education?

Scream Like You Mean It

An undefined Diva must be capable of accentuating her moves — wrestling-related or otherwise. That does not mean you have to dip your naked self in gold or rent a smoke machine that gives off too much or not enough smoke. The moment you wish to express that you are executing or receiving a move in a violent fashion, transform into almost every other WWE Diva. Next, scream as if you are being groped by a sketchy stranger with brute strength. I am not an undefined Diva for I am somewhat of a man, but let me tell you that I have a hoot and a half, screaming while participating in various activities. Yesterday, I screamed before depositing money in my Swiss bank account. That added up to be a lot of screaming during the eight-hour-long flight from Canada to Switzerland.

Once more, I must give it up to Melina. She is one of those rare Divas who has mastered the screech. Now that I think about it, you might as well scrap everything I told you earlier in favour of copying Melina. As she teaches you how to scream, she may give a bonus lesson in executing flashy moves in inappropriate situations. If your opponent is in position for one move, do something that is in no way related to that body position. Have fun with it. Your opponent won't mind.

"Dance" (Unless You Are Kaitlyn)

You can't see me, but I am currently judging your method of dance through the computer screen. I detect that you are attempting to wiggle then drop your posterior as if it is hot in temperature (Celsius). Those of you with a partner appear to be engaging in a slow to medium-speed dance to a romantic rap beat. I conclude that these dance styles have one thing in common: they are the befitting dances of an undefined Diva. Remembers those formative years you spent in tap, jazz, and ballroom dance competitions? If you do, get out of my face, people who are nowhere near my face. Get out of my face from a greater distance. All you adequate dancers can leave, except Kaitlyn. She can do the robot.

Any respectful gentlemen should treat every woman like a rose, but I cannot help myself. Once Kaitlyn did the robot, I had a vivid vision that she would become the mother of 89 of my 97 future children. Several years ago, my mother won my father's heart via robot dance. At first, my father was attracted to her because he thought she was an actual robot who enjoyed dancing despite her limited mobility. When she proved she was human five years later, my father was disappointed yet still impressed. Today, I am in his shoes. Because you are not in Kaitlyn's shoes, I recommend that you perfect the dance of the undefined Diva.

The Undefined Diva

Do you show any or all qualities associated with an undefined Diva? Assuming that you do, The Swerved's team of artists have come up with an accurate graphical representation of your appearance:

Best of luck to you on your quest to undefined greatness.

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