Monday, August 30, 2010

The Motion Pictured: The Marine 2 (Part 2)

The film industry needs to wise up and take notes. You heard me. I did not stutter through type. The district of Los Angeles, California that specializes in the production and distribution of motion pictures needs to get informed. Using a writing implement such as a pen or dainty feather dipped in ink, it must jot someone else's advice down on a piece of paper, then refer to that written advice in the future when thinking about producing or distributing new motion pictures. You see, three-dimensional movies are the cinematic flavour of the year, month, and day. Moviegoers can only love ogres and dong-eating fish being thrown at them for so long. When they tire of these silly gimmicks, what will Hollywood have left? Nothing, I say. Hollywood will have nothing, unless they follow WWE Studios' game plan.

In my humble and correct opinion, WWE Studios has perfected the action movie. All you need is a professional wrestler with no prior acting experience trying to act, a blonde lady who may or may not be Australian being kidnapped by an angry man, and as many explosions and deaths that you can fit in thirty days of filming. Mix those three important elements together and you get a little thing called movie magic. With every release, it’s as if WWE Studios and 20th Century Fox are pulling a rabbit made out of millions of dollars out of a hat, which is made out of billions of dollars.

When you can get an actor who was born to play a lead role — like Ted DiBiase playing Joe Linwood in The Marine 2 — you have yourself a fine piece of cinematic goodness. On second thought, Randy Orton was originally born to play Joe Linwood, but he was born with a collarbone injury. Regardless, I am excited. If the first part of this movie was any indication, I predict more thrills, spills, chills, kills, krills, and people not named Jill than ever before. I don't know what movies previous generations liked for I am still young and hip, but let me tell you that The Marine 2 is not your grandfather and/or father's action movie. For one, this film is in colour. Also, people are talking to each other through the spoken word.

Ladies, gentlemen, gentle ladies, and ladylike men; I present to you a straight-to-video film that almost everyone saw. A DVD and Blu-ray combo pack smack dab in the popular titles section. This time, a 90-minute trip to paradise became a mission that only I could handle. It all started when they messed with the wrong professional wrestling analyst. Get ready for the conclusion of The Marine 2 starring Ted DiBiase.

Unique Scene Transition 2: Unique Scene Transition Reloaded

When you crash your jeep or jeep-like vehicle into a brick wall, what do you do? If you're Joe Linwood accompanied by your mercenary friend, you would leave the jeep, use that newly created hole in the wall as your own personal entrance, and find yourself in a unique scene transition. Forget about saving hostages. A higher power needs to show others that he does not approve of fading to black.

In the dining/hostage room, Jango Fett prevents his ninja brother (Jefjare) from stabbing a rich man in the throat. Jefjare Fett thanks his brother by running into the kitchen, kicking pots and pans, and screaming, "I want to kill them all. Ahhhh." Robin looks concerned (as she should be). Robin is never going to take Jefjare's title. Ahhhh.

Tent Fight

The commander and the diplomatic advisor are arguing about the mercenaries’ double cross. Who’s to blame? I blame their parents. The commander wants the advisor out of the tent, mission, and scene. Like the director, the commander doesn't want to see his face again because it's Jefjare Time.

Back in the kitchen, Jefjare throws around condiments and pieces of lettuce until his brother asks him to chill. Jefjare expresses his anger at the marine who killed their men. Supposedly, Robin knows the identity of this marine and starts crying joyful tears. I am equally happy. I cannot wait until John Triton makes his cameo appearance as the only marine who can save her. Joe Linwood is a marine, but can he save people? Nope. He let that kid die at the beginning of the film because he was too busy talking about books.

Four Things You Need To Know

Joe's mercenary friend wants Joe to know that his group is made up of mercenaries, which is why traitors were able to infiltrate their team. Joe’s mercenary friend is good at explanations. Darren Conner wants Robin to know that he is sorry for treating Joe Linwood like he was Ted DiBiase. As long as they are patient, Jango Fett wants his brother to know that those Westerners will pay for what they have done. Joe's mercenary friend ends Knowledge Corner by handing his gun to Joe, hoping he will deliver his message to Blondie. I did not need to know that last thing, Joe's mercenary friend. I'm sitting with the band right now, watching this movie. Debbie Harry is not pleased. To calm her down, I have asked Debbie to take my gun. She must deliver my message to Papa Roach. How you like that? I saw your CD collection. Don’t lie to me.

They Done Got Serious

Jango Fett instructs his ninjas to take Robin and Cynthia away from the group. Fight it, ladies. Do not tell them about this island's proximity to the volcanic corridor. Robin retaliates by kicking at Jango in a way that gives viewers a quick glimpse of her panties. I’m glad this movie had the guts to confirm my suspicion: the majority of females do not go commando in a tense hostage situation.

Darren Conner defends Robin, Cynthia, and the rest of the hostages by wrestling one of the ninjas to the ground and putting him in a chokehold (“The Conner Clutch”). The other ninjas release their man by striking Conner in the back with the butt of a machine gun, then kicking him in the gut. Jango points a pistol at him and claims that there will come a time when Darren Conner will be more useful to them dead than alive. By the looks of that chokehold, Conner is pretty useful now. Put him in Florida Championship Wrestling. In a few weeks, introduce him on television as NXT Season 3 Rookie Terwilliger Rosenthal.

Snorkelling Time is Over

Once again, Joe Linwood returns to the snorkelling shack to ask Church for help. Church grants Joe access to his box of goodies, chock full of item like binoculars and a dirty white object that resembles a seashell ― the ultimate hostage-saving weapon. Hesitant to join Joe on the mission, Church hands over the keys to his boat.

As Joe leaves, Church puts on his disappointed-in-himself face. A second later, he finally agrees to join the marine by slightly smiling at him. Church doesn't want to risk his life, but if he has an opportunity to shove Joe overboard, he's going to take it.

Church is a Scaredy Cat

Church drives Joe to shore, but does not wish to go any further. He says, "Give 'em, hell, marine." Joe runs away from him into the resort caves because Church is the Norman Smiley of rescue missions.

Mercenary traitors and ninjas survey the area as Joe moves toward the resort. To show his skills as a marine, he swims in the pool for a minute. Underneath the pool bridge, he gets the attention of one of the guards by splashing in the water. Once the bad guy peeks over the railing, Joe pulls him into pool and stabs him in the heart. To my surprise, the man either does not bleed or bleeds chlorine. He looks like Manny Pacquiao, too. Fight Floyd Mayweather already. Stop dying while cleaning pools.

Out of the sight from the other guards, Joe steals some leftover fireworks and approaches the resort entrance. At the makeshift military base, the commander and the diplomatic advisor argue over Joe's involvement in the hostage situation. You can cut the sexual tension with a sexy knife, at least after you splash in the water and pull the tension into the pool.

United States of Americans

Returning to the dining/hostage room, Cynthia translates the public address system announcement to her fellow captives. She tells Conner that one man, referred to as "The American," has come to save them. George Clooney's character has travelled from one motion picture to another released one year prior, looking to spare rather than end the lives of people? Good for him. What is "The Marine" going to do, though?

Outside, Jango Fett and ninjas watch as the lifeless henchmen's body is taken out of the pool. Jefjare turns away from his brother. To nobody in particular, he vows to take Joe's heart out, most likely killing him. Jango looks at his brother with a confused face. Jango is not sure if serious.


A sweaty Joe Linwood refers to the advisor’s blueprints to get a better sense of the resort's layout. Using his binoculars, sweat falls from his chin as he watches Blondie ― who is actually a mercenary traitor and not a popular band from the 1970s ― run to another part of the resort. Blondie is getting Joe mighty hot and bothered. Blondie is his Phoebe Cates.

In a laundry room, Blondie and his traitor friend attach bombs to pillars before Joe interferes in their fun. He kicks a laundry hamper into Blondie, throws a knife into the heart of Blondie's traitor friend, then drives a knife further into his heart with a flying kick. Blondie crawls over to his gun, but Joe stops him by grabbing his foot and kicking him in the face. George Clooney is stuck in traffic.

Pleat the Press

While another bad guy sets up explosives in the resort caves, Joe manhandles Blondie. He confidently stumbles through his interrogation: "I know you're just in it for the money. Unless you really wanna... die... for the cause, you tell me where they are." After Blondie refuses, Joe grabs his arm and burns the flesh off in an iron press. Finally, Blondie tells him the location before his face gets shoved into the press as well.

As he is about to kill Blondie with a gunshot, he avoids Jango Fett's gunfire and takes cover in the boiler room. Jango approaches Blonde and kills him for talking anyway. Jango never trusted Blondie, perhaps because his name was Blondie.

Boiler Room Brawl

Jango Fett returns to the hostage room to speak with Darren Conner. Using his iPhone, Jango gets Conner to confirm the transfer of the monetary tribute on video. Unfortunately, Jango cuts the video off before Conner can request the hostages’ freedom. Why shouldn't you have it all? You should have it all, but Jango has the latest version of the iPhone. That is why you can't have it all.

Hiding behind the strongest pillar in the history of pillars, Joe endures a barrage of bullets until the traitors run out of ammo. A mercenary traitor throws a grenade so softly that Joe is given ample time to roll away from the blast in slow motion.

Two traitors ambush Joe. With a forceful punch to Joe's face, they celebrate with a synchronized Power Rangers pose dance. Disgusted by their dance, Joe retaliates by performing an elaborate butt-kicking ballet, highlighted by a Spin-A-Roonie and a three-way drop kick. Joe wins the brawl by kicking one traitor's head through the side of a wooden cabinet before choking the other out with his boot.

Whichever traitor did not help the other hurt Joe during that three-way drop kick deserved his demise. He’s like a potato sack race partner who just stands there and allows the other teams to win.

The Commander Enunciates

The commander informs the diplomatic advisor that Jango and his men have agreed to release the hostages, but only to him. He admits that this tactic might be Jango's way of sending a stronger message to the world ― killing a powerful government official in addition to the innocents. Once the advisor agrees to take a chance for the sake of the hostages, the commander admits that he may have misjudged him. At the end of the film, I hope they can finally spend some time together, expressing their love for each other in a secluded part of the resort. Even though they don’t know it yet, they are the Joe and Robin of this island.

Impromptu Celebration of Light

Joe distracts the hostage takers by putting on his own fireworks display. From afar, Church watches the show. He curses Joe for either being a hostage-saving genius or wasting perfectly good fireworks.

Through the dining room shadows, Joe calls Robin over to him. Obviously, Robin is glad to see him, but Joe doesn't look so thrilled. Give your wife a break, Joe. As a hostage, she doesn't have access to makeup, a bathroom, or mirrors. For a marine, you set mighty high standards for women on the brink of death. While she doesn't look hot right now, at least she's alive. Isn't that enough?

The other hostages ask Joe what to do next. In Joe's mind, he wants them to give his wife an extreme makeover. From Joe's mouth, he tells them to run, just like that pansy Church did from anything that scared him.

The Getaway

Joe points in the general direction of Freedom Town. "Go toward that part with the green things and the no-shooty-shooty people," he says through hand gestures. In an open area, he tells them to get down. Robin, Conner, and the others immediately react by taking cover as if they are performing the off-Broadway, on-cement production of Cats. Hostages; turn your faces to the daylight. Let your marine lead you. Open up, enter in.

Suddenly, their performance is halted by a flying ninja, who clocks Joe with a phantom kick to the face. The wind from the kick makes Joe spit out blood or Kool-Aid. Robin tries to tend to her husband, but the flying ninja points a gun at her. Even though Joe knew these hostages were thirsty, he did not offer them his mouthful of tropical punch? Joe Linwood is a piece of work.

Square One

The journey to Freedom Town ends as the hostages find themselves back in the dining room, cuffed and gagged. As for Joe, he sits in a chair, handcuffed with a long chain that is attached to a ceiling pipe. Joe gets all the perks.

To everyone's surprise, the diplomatic advisor unveils himself as the mastermind behind the whole evil plan. The advisor admits that he allowed Conner to bring the Western world and his sweet, sweet Western money to the island, only for Conner to turn the place into his "own private toilet." When Jango Fett proposed to take back the island by force, the advisor let him at it. For Conner's private toilet, this island still looks quite nice. He pisses and poops beautiful things.

Jango's Day In

The diplomatic advisor continues his marathon of informative exposition by admitting that he let the mercenaries die to scare off the military. During his entire speech, I was waiting for him to talk about how he tried and failed to grow decent facial hair, but he never did.

Accompanied by his brother Jefjare, Jango Fett announces that they have received the tribute. He assures the advisor that he will get a bonus in addition to his share of the money. That bonus turns out to be a ten-second bomb, which Jeffare hangs off the advisor's neck. Jango shoves the advisor out of the building and lets him explode. Cool Jango Fetts, Jefjare Fetts, ninjas, mercenary traitors, marines, and hostages don't look at explosions.

Heart to Heart

The henchmen lead the hostages ― who are now equipped with bombs ― out of the building, which gives him and his brother some private time with Joe. Jango asks Joe if he has ever sacrificed innocents to get the job done. Joe says, "Innocents always die in war, but the goal is to save people, not kill them to win." If I had three extra large shirts, I would put that excellent catchphrase on them. Three large people would have to stand beside each other at all times in order for the catchphrase to make any sense, but that shouldn't be a problem.

Jefjare leaves the room with Robin while Jango allows his most menacing ninja to take care of Joe. Evading the ninja's knife, Joe rises to his feet. He elbows and knees the man to the ground. Grabbing the knife, he stabs the menacing ninja through the stomach. Even though the dead ninja has the keys to the handcuffs, Joe is unable to reach him. Eventually, Joe decides to set himself free by pulling his hand through one of the cuffs, then crawling over to the guy to completely uncuff himself. If I were him, I would have hugged the ninja to death for easy access to his keys. I'm just saying.

Payback in the Boiler Room

Surrounded by hostages tied to pipes and heaters, Joe engages in a fist fight with Jefjare Fett. Outside, Jango uses his walkie-talkie and asks if the hostages are secure. As seen in previous scenes, Jefjare does not bother to respond because he does not know how to properly communicate with people. For a moment, Jefjare gains an advantage over Joe by aggravating his hand injury and holding him at gunpoint. As he is about to pull the trigger, Church kills Jefjare with a bullet from behind. He's not gonna be in The Marine 3.

Joe frees the hostages. Church hands him his gun and tells Joe to get Jango. Yet again, Church is too afraid to fight. He emphasizes his wussiness by giving a knife to Darren Conner, who has no military experience at all. I bet Church is afraid to see this movie. If you see him wandering around a Blockbuster with a DVD in hand, he might ask you to watch this film for him. Do not honour his request. He's a big boy. He should learn how to handle big boy films.

Kaboom Pre-Show

After failing to receive a walkie-talkie response from Jefjare, Jango instructs his men to kill the hostages. Sensing that his henchmen are cool-looking idiots, Jango triggers the sixty-second explosion countdown via remote to ensure that the job will be done. Meanwhile, Conner and Church guide the others out of the building. To give you an idea of how strong the boiler room explosion could be, each stick of dynamite in the room is labelled with the words, Dynamite: High Explosive.

Church finally shows some guts by snapping the neck of an incoming ninja and taking his weapon. Then again, Conner shows the same amount of guts by stabbing the other incoming ninja with a knife. Darren Conner writes books and expels beautiful island accessories from his body. He has no idea how to kill a guy, yet managed to do so in one try. Church rewards Conner by giving him a gun, cutting his killing work down in half. Church is frightened and lazy.


The hostages narrowly escape the resort as multiple bombs go off on the premises. A calm and collected Joe avoids additional explosions as if he is taking a quiet jog through the park. As another bomb goes off behind him, he dives into the water without a care in the world, following Jango and his woman into the jungle caves.

Jango triggers the countdown on another explosive device, then drags Robin further into the caves. Continuing his jog through the park that is the deadly island resort, Joe unknowingly runs into the explosion. The impact does not kill him, but loosens a bunch of rocks, which fall on top of him. Robin stares at the rubble in disbelief. Styrofoam rocks are the only force in this film that can take down Joe Linwood.

Kaboom Post-Game Show

Strike what I said earlier from the record of Styrofoam Rocks vs. Motion Picture Marines. Joe Linwood is alive. He rises from the rubble and equips his pistol in search of Jango and Robin.

Through the maze of waterfront shacks, Jango tries to ambush Joe. The Second Marine sees him and begins the climactic battle. Jango and Joe wrestle for possession of the gun. Once Jango takes the pistol away from him, he chases Joe through the shacks. Joe avoids him by busting his way through doors and windows, interrupting a children's game of checkers. Next, he passes a wooden roof, knocking down pillars until it collapses behind him. Jango gracefully walks over the roof and chases Joe through the market. Together, Jango and Joe have destroyed weather-shielding structures and competitive youth activities. They are both monsters. Is there no such thing as a hero? I believe there is not.

Jango stumbles over a set of crates, allowing Joe to knock the gun out of his hand. Taking their fight to the dock, Joe defends himself from the wrath of Jango's newfound bo staff. Jango proceeds to Darth Maul and Donatello it up until Joe is able to break the staff in half.

Robin's Nest

Jango and Joe fall off the second level of the dock and violently land on a boat’s floor. Joe hits the hardest, crashing butt-first through the floor. Underneath that floor, Joe lucks out and finds Robin, held captive in a cage. That's one strong, mystery-solving butt. Despite Robin's mouth not moving, she tells him to get her out of there.

Sensing Joe's vulnerable state, Jango runs at him. Before he can attack, Joe grabs a spear from underneath the dock and impales Jango through the chest. With one last push, Joe sends Jango crashing into a nearby shack. In the process, a barrel of gasoline falls over, inconveniently leaking flammable liquid everywhere.

Lovin' Interrupted

The second that Joe frees Robin from the cage, they start making out in celebration of Jango's death. Soon enough, their premature make-out session is halted as Jango revives himself somehow and puts Joe in a sleeper hold. Without moving his mouth, he manages to tell Joe that the tribute will never stop and more Western victims are to come. I think Jango should spend some time with Robin. They have a lot in common. Maybe they can start a book club together. Actually, I take that back. That’s how Joe got into this mess in the first place.

Joe does not appreciate the interruption, nor does he appreciate people who are not his wife, speaking without opening their mouths. Joe tosses Jango up and over himself, letting him fall onto a set of uncomfortable boat boxes. While Jango reaches for a flare gun, Joe suggests that he and his wife should leave the boat. Good suggestion because Jango is about to fire a flare gun on a boat that has been coated in gasoline.

Joe and Robin escape, dramatically jumping off the boat into the non-exploding waters. They swim back to the dock and embrace. Joe jokes with his wife, saying that he thought his job was dangerous. Robin responds by telling Joe that she loves him. The scene ends before Joe is given a chance to reply. This marriage between Joe and Robin Linwood will not last, what with all the explosions, hostage takings, and one-way declarations of affection.

The Verdict: ***************1/8 out of ***************************13/14
Overall, Joe Linwood is better than John Triton. John loved his wife and revived every Southeast Asian child he encountered. You make me sick, John Triton.

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