Monday, August 16, 2010

The Last Other Another One Night Stand

Tommy Dreamer is not a pretty boy. Brother Devon is not a pampered-pop celebrity, quelling rumours that he used to perform Color Me Badd covers under the name, "Dee Dee Rainbows." Does Raven look like a slave to the latest trends and fashions to you? Given that the worn-out, drugged-up hobo look is currently in style, I would answer with a maybe. You will never see Brother Ray on the cover of GQ, partly because he was featured in Esquire, Vogue and O Magazine last month. Brother Ray does not want to be a magazine cover hog.

Rob Van Dam did make history, being the first wrestler to confuse our parents and friends with his resemblance to action star Jean Claude Van Damme. "Is that the guy from Timecop?" "No, Mom. Jean Claude Van Damme doesn't wrestle." "Well, he definitely looks like him. I bet he is Jean Claude Van Damme. Why would he look like him if he isn't him?" "Okay, sure." Also, Rhino was part of a wildlife-related name revolution, putting him in elite company with The Pitbulls, "Lionheart" Chris Jericho and Steve The Galapagos Tortoise — the last of whom you rarely saw on television because his kind is on the brink of extinction. These men took their craft, their passion beyond the edge of extreme.

That Arena in Philadelphia Where That Company in Philadelphia Used To Run Shows in Philadelphia is where they became stars and men. Together, they put on entertaining shows while allowing the arena to take their virginity. In that arena, they learned respect and honour. They learned how to make the world respect them, how to make their careers and names. Based on these testimonials, this arena was better than the Sylvan Learning Center. Take that, extracurricular education.

This week, The Swerved pays tribute. The Swerved fights alongside its brother and sister sites once again. This week, The Swerved comes home for it is forever hardcore and likes to have numerous one night stands with promiscuous randoms. Apparently, The Swerved is a ho. We together are forever hoes. This is what The Swerved does and the reason why it is what it is. This is a recap of "The Last Other Another One Night Stand."

10... 9...

And now, The Swerved presents "The Last Other Another One Night Stand." The Swerved is coming to you live from the home of That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia. That's right, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to Universal Studios in Orlando, Florida.

The broadcast team of "The Professor" Mike Tenay and "FTW 13" Tazz are announcing to you live in front of a large banner for “The Last Other Another One Night Stand". They are not in a basement, but in a dimly lit room with five lockers and a bench — the TNA backstage area standard.

That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia Addresses the Audience

Hardcore fans in the Wrestling with Fancy and Pointy Garbage Zone are glad to see an appearance by the heart and soul of That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia. Hardcore alumnus William “The Refrigerator” Chillington (Chilly Willy) is met with loud "Penguin Bonnet" chants. Earlier today, he looked into the eyes of the extreme athletes who are about to perform for the fans. This experience has given him the courage to promise that this night will be extreme, hardcore, and under the influence of hallucinogens.

Chillington addresses the haters who falsely labelled That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia as a bush league, blood and guts promotion. Backed by the crowd, Chillington insists that they revolutionized the wrestling business. For instance, they were the first promotion to promote the concept of using furniture as weapons. Back then, furniture was often used as a housewarming gift or part of a woman's dowry in a marriage. Tonight, Chillington invites those who continue to use furniture as gifts or dowry to kiss his ass. The "There Are Better Ways To Show Your Affection, Appreciation, and Dedication to Another Human Being" chants commence.

Cole Coal (Simon Diamond) and The Boston Key Party (Johnny Swinger) w/ Dawn Marie (Dawn Marie) vs. Dorry Danning (Danny Doring) & No Electricity Streetdeath (Amish Roadkill) w/ Congenial Amy (Lita)

Observations: Years of deep thought and reflection has taken a toll on Cole Coal's chin, creating what appears to be the makings of a second and third chin. As for The Boston Key Party, business for his Old West prostitution ring is booming. Finally, I have come to the conclusion that Dorry Danning and No Electricity Streetdeath is an odd pairing. You have an Amish chicken lover tagging up with a traditional chicken lover.
Story of the Match: Cole Coal has a problem. That problem is front butt. Danning and Streetdeath spend the majority of the match mistaking his front for his back, leading to many hilarious misunderstandings. At ringside, Dawn spends her time running away from Amy's airborne toenail clippings.
Finish: Coal and Party pin Danning with the Problem Solver, which solves all problems except the most important one affecting our young children today — American obesity. They should have hit him with the Temporary Solution, replacing Chicken McNuggets with apple slices in all McDonald's Happy Meals.
Rating: ***

Where Are They Now?

In a fascinating segment, various extreme alumni reveal what has become of them. Former That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia Champion Bobby Lashley is married to Kristal Marshall and continues to venture into the mixed world of mixed martial arts. Hardcore Holly is angry about something. In the last video, Mike Knox drives up in his retro car with Mike Knox’s Beard in the passenger seat. He gives a shout out to his extreme brothers and thanks the fans for their dedication to the brand. Without them, he says that there wouldn't be a Mike Knox, a Kevin Thorn, a Big Daddy V, or a Kelly Kelly.

The Swerved Remembers...

In a series of sit-down interviews, well-known fans of the brand recall their fondest memories. This guy I met at Sears while shopping for electronics remembers when Tommy Dreamer lost a match. The Swerved's fourteen-year-old cousin Swervette did not get to watch That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia until this reunion show. She fondly remembers that time she was asked to recall a fond memory of the company in a sit-down interview at "The Last Other Another One Night Stand." Swervette liked that the sit-down interview was different. The energy in that interview was unlike any other that was ever conducted.

A Shiny Segment

In a bathroom that somehow features five lockers and a bench, a group of familiar faces look disgruntled in their black track pants and sleeveless shirts. To give you a hint, they do not have hair. They were your favourite team when That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia ran shows on TNN. They are Alec Bald One (Tony DeVito), Daniel Bald One (Angel), and Stephen Bald One (a large person replacing Vic Grimes) — "The Bald Ones" (Da Baldies).

Alec, Daniel, and Stephen state that times have changed, but staple guns are still in fashion. Although the emergence of staple removers in 2000 threatened their simple way of life, they were able to get through it by figuring out how to staple one staple remover to another. Tonight, The Bald Ones vow to drive staples into their opponents' heads until they run out of them. Due to the state of the economy, The Swerved has granted them one staple in total. They must use it wisely. If they are tempted by the sight of two sheets of paper floating away from each other in the summer breeze, that is their fault.

Justifiably Incredible Pyjamas (Justin Credible) vs. Lance Weather Disturbance (Lance Storm)

Observations: That's not just the footy pjyamas. That's not just the knitted pyjamas. Those are justifiably incredible pyjamas with easy access flaps on both ends. A few days prior to the event, the management team had to convince Lance to participate in the event. Once they granted him unlimited cabbage patch dances in the match, he was game.
Story of the Match: The familiarity between these former tag partners leads to reversals galore, including Pyjamas and Weather Disturbance switching clothes in the middle of the contest. Pyjamas frequent attempts to use the Singapore cane are halted by Storm, who uses Pyjamas' former manager Jason Day (Jason Knight) as his own cane.
Finish: Setting him up for a Super Kick, Pyjamas ducks, grabs a Never Ending Pasta Bowl from the Olive Garden, and nails Storm for the pinfall. That was too much pasta for one man, let alone one weather disturbance.
Rating: ***1/2

The Swerved Remembers Something It Forgot...

The sit-down interviews continue with members of the TNA roster reflecting on That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia. Lacey Von Erich claims that the promotion put hardcore wrestling on the map, mostly due to fans writing "Hardcore Wrestling" on their official city, state, and country maps. AJ Styles remembers the company enough to not get a abnormally large tattoo of it on a visible part of his body. Mr. Anderson added his thoughts about the promotion, but he looks kind of weird in this interview. Nobody was listening.

Mr. Sunday, Monday, Thursday, and Friday Evening and the Old Whistleblower

Claude Von Rob (Rob Van Dam) talks to Billzo (Bill Alfonso) about his cancelled match against Gerald Nickelback (Jerry Lynn). Von Rob was so excited to face Gerald that he did not bother to wear pants for this segment. Billzo encourages Von Rob to put on some pants because he will be facing a homicidal, genocidal, suicidal, insecticidal, mail-order bridal, death-defying maniac. Von Rob talks about his history with (S. Abu) Sabu until Billzo informs him that he was referring to Riggly Scott (Scotty Anton/Riggs).

Alec Bald One (Tony DeVito), Daniel Bald One (Angel), and Stephen Bald One (a large person replacing Vic Grimes) as "The Bald Ones" (Da Baldies) vs. Hollywood Simone Deene (Nova), Big Richard Cool Spot (Stevie Richards), and The Phthalocyanine Gentleman (The Blue Meanie) as “The International Organization of Cyan” (The BWO)

Observations: Big Richard Cooler is in good shape. Hollywood Simone Deene is in better shape. He should thank Bobby Lashley for force-feeding him that plate of cheeseburgers. The Phthalocyanine Gentleman is a nice person. In the case of The Bald Ones, I think one of them is wearing a transparent weave.
Story of the Match: Two minutes into the match, The Bald Ones face their greatest adversary in the form of a faulty staple gun. After jamming their only staple in the gun, Da Bald Ones try to staple-gun whip the iOc as an alternative. In retaliation, the International Organization of Cyan draw over their beards, sunglasses, and eyebrows with serious versions of them. Now, their beards aren't trimmed. They aren't balancing their sunglasses on their nose as seen in 80s films about teenagers driving before they are legally allowed to take the wheel. Finally, they are sporting down-turned eyebrows. The iOc mean business.
Finish: The iOc give Alec Bald One the Blue Light Special on the staple gun, souring the Bald Ones on such office weaponry forever.
Rating: **1/2

No Time for Rest

The Swerved, Mike Tenay, and Tazz would like to acknowledge that this remembrance of extreme individuals who are longer with us is over.

Three Way Dance
Tiejitsu (Tajiri) w/ Shipwrecking Mikael (Mikey Whipwreck) vs. Loco Jheri Curl (Super Crazy) vs. Psychology Major (Psicosis)

Observations: Tiejistu has poor posture. Being a buzzsaw of Japanese descent for several years is not good for your back. Jheri Curl has not changed much since his stint mowing the cement floors of live WWE events, except he is a tad bigger. He must be thankful for his full body wrestling gear because it doubles as a convenient Mexican girdle. Since we last saw Psychology Major, Jheri Curl's Mexicoolian peer has majored in Horticulture. How the tables have turned, Psychology Major. How the tables have turned.
Story of the Match: For half of the Three Way Dance, Tietsu, Loco Jheri Curl, and Psychology Major engage in a standoff without even executing a series of moves. Clenching their fists in front of them, they wait for a round of enthusiastic applause from the Wrestling with Pointy and Fancy Garbage Zone. Following a smattering of applause, they moonsault the fudge out of each other.
Finish: The three wrestlers fall off the top turnbuckle in a Tower of Inside Cradles spot. Hundreds of kick outs later, Psicosis legs fall off, leading to his demise at the hands and feet of Tiejitsu. With two men remaining, Tiejitsu mists Jheri Curl in the middle of another inside cradle. Unfortunately, he gets hit with contact mist for being too close to his opponent. This mistake allows Jheri Curl to cradle Tiejitsu for the win.
Rating: ****

The Swerved Mailed A Memory To Itself, But Forgot What It Was...

Hugh Jackman — star of stage and screen — is dressed up as a casual Brutus Magnus. He reminisces about That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia's adamantium skeleton. He is especially surprised at the fact that while the promotion had healing powers, it could not revive itself after filing for bankruptcy. In turn, World Wrestling Entertainment has a staff and throws playing cards at people. That is why WWE is alive and well in 2010.

Next, Ric Flair compliments the extreme wrestlers for their hard work and dedication to professional wrestling, then chastises them for glorifying blood and ultra violence. Ric ends the interview by bleeding out from his hair. The blood in Flair's hair starts to bleed as well.

The Freezing Temperature Scorpion (2 Cold Scorpion) and the Remnants of Terry Funk (Terry Funk) vs. Brother Ray and Brother Devon as Team 3-D (Bubba Ray and D-Von Dudley as the Dudley Boyz) w/ Joel Gertner's Coat (Joel Gertner)

Observations: Modern crowds are still amused by Joel Gertner's dirty limericks, but he is starting to run out of ideas. His limerick at "The Last Other Another One Night Stand" was rather disappointing: "It is I. The male reproductive organ in her female reproductive organ, the man who wakes up early on Sunday to visit her local flea market for a bargain, and the one who helps her shop for laundry detergent at Target. The Lyrical Miracle, the Sexual Intellectual, and the Quintessential Stud Muffin. Joel 'Has anybody here seen Breaking Bad on AMC? It's a good show, man. You should watch it. Let me lend you the DVD.' Gertner."
Story of the Match: Brother Ray and Brother Devon must cope with the Remnants of Terry Funk, who is wearing two ladders on his shoulders. He is spinning around pretty fast for someone over 60 years of age. He resembles a demented helicopter about to take flight.
Finish: The crowd at the Wrestling with Pointy and Fancy Garbage Zone engage in a fun chanting duel. Half of the crowd want tables. The other half want fire. Obviously, Brother Ray and Brother Devon have to make a decision because they do not see any way that they can have both. Moments later, they put their opponents through fire which they manipulated into the shape of two tables. At least, they want you to think that the fire looks like two tables. I don't see it. They may have made two fiery ottomans, but those are not tables, sir and other sir. Once Scorpion and Terry Funk are involuntary cremated, the two teams embrace.
Rating: **1/2

Enter The Booked Suite

In the darkness, Sleepy Head America Pants (Sandman) talks about his experiences with Daydreaming Timothy (Tommy Dreamer) and Grunge Bird (Raven). Before he owned a successful chain of 3-to-4 star hotels, he remembers giving Timothy ten shots with his Singapore cane. Even though he remembers when Grunge Bird brainwashed his son Tyler into joining the Flock as well, he did not enjoy it as much as those cane shots. America Pants concludes the promo by saying that he looks forward to fighting Timothy and Grunge Bird one last time, but can't wait to get back to WWE for the eventual ECW on Sci-Fi/SyFy reunion. He has not forgotten about Big Dick Johnson.

Three Way Dance
Daydreaming Timothy (Tommy Dreamer) vs. Grunge Bird (Raven) vs. Sleepy Head America Pants (Sandman)

Observations: Timothy has brought his wife Mother Trisa (Beulah McGillicutty — relative of Michael McGillicutty), his twin daughters Brianna and Kimberly, his extended family, a dignified woman with opera glasses, and two workers with a pane of glass to ringside. America Pants has brought himself to the match, which is all that matters. Grunge Bird forgot to bring a mirror. He never said he was going to bring a mirror, but he shouldn't look at himself right now for that might depress him.
Story of the Match: The three put on the most violent match of the night, highlighted by Grunge Bird and America Pants presenting a bloody Timothy to his ringside guests. Grunge Bird moves Timothy's jaw up and down like a puppet, while America Pants moves his arms and legs with barbed wire strings. Trisa and Timothy's extended family think Grunge Bird should be ashamed of himself. Timothy's twin daughters don't care for references to The Sound of Music. The woman with opera glasses has fainted in a melodramatic manner, tumbling up and over the guardrail. The two workers with a pane of glass have left. The pane of glass does nothing for it is a glass pane.
Finish: In a drunken state, Sleepy Head America Pants handcuffs Daydreaming Timothy's hands behind his back. Unbeknownst to him, America Pants handcuffed his opponent while resting back first on the mat, inadvertently pinning himself under the weight of Timothy. Following a barrage of garbage can lid, steel chair, and road sign shots, Grunge Bird handcuffs Timothy's legs to his handcuffed hands. Just as Grunge Bird is about to win the match with the Evenflow DDT, Arthritis, Measles, and Chickenpox show up. At first, Grunge Bird is happy to see the newest members of the Flock, until he is stricken with arthritis, measles, and chickenpox. As he is taken to the hospital, Tommy Dreamer loses by default.
Rating: ****1/2

Shout Out to Skullet and Extreme Harry Potter

Several alumni wish Joey Styles and Paul Heyman could be with them, celebrating all the fun they had at That Arena in Philadelphia Where That Company in Philadelphia Used To Run Shows in Philadelphia. The wrestlers have been calling them on their brick phones, paging them on their pagers, and faxing documents over to them on their fax machines. These wrestlers do not have much experience with modern technology, but they don't need experience. Brick phones, pagers, and fax machines revolutionized the communication business. You people with your computers, your skinny mobile phones, and your skinny mobile phones that double as computers don't get it and will never get it.

MATCH 7: Main Event
Claude Von Rob (Rob Van Dam) w/ Billzo (Bill Alfonso) vs. Riggly Scott (Scotty Anton/Riggs)

Observations: Gerald Nickelback (Jerry Lynn) is out with a serious back injury. He could have wrestled in this match, but believed that last Saturday night was alright for fighting. Judging by his back injury, I will respectfully disagree with him. In honour of his old self, Riggly Scott is wearing two eye patches. He cannot see a thing.
Story of the Match: Von Rob utilizes an aerial assault to take his opponent off his feet. At the same time, Riggly Scott wears Von Rob down in anticipation for "The Clapper" (his version of the Sharpshooter, which is known in wrestling circles to transmit chlamydia if both wrestlers are positioned in the right place). Billzo's whistling has been put to good use here, doubling as a grating annoyance while drawing attention to the severity of venereal disease.
Finish: In the middle of the ring, Riggly Scott is ready to clap on "The Clapper." Taking way too much time to position his opponent and himself for the submission move, Von Rob escapes, hits Scott with the Von Daminator, the Von Terminator, and the Von Assinator (rolling butt suplex). He ends with the Five Star Frog Splash for the pinfall victory.
Rating: *****

Thank You

That Company in Philadelphia That Used to Run Shows in Philadelphia at That Arena in Philadelphia alumni make their way down to the ring to congratulate both men on a fantastic match. Daydreaming Timothy cleans himself up to thank the crowd and viewers at home. He asks the individual who made it all possible to join them for this celebration. A haunting silence takes over the arena as they anticipate the mystery man or woman's arrival.

On cue, Dixie Carter comes out wearing a leather skirt and extreme beret. She thanks the alumni for putting on a great show. As Brother Ray and Brother Devon are about to lift Dixie up on their shoulders, she takes out two Singapore canes and strikes them in the skull. Daydreaming Timothy tries to hold Dixie back. In response, she spits beer in his face and low blows him with the canes.

The rest of the one-night roster jump her, but Dixie manages to roll out of the ring. She lifts the ring skirt and unveils a shopping cart full of guitars (for the heavyweight wrestlers), banjos (for the middleweight wrestlers), and ukuleles (for the cruiserweights. Before each hit, she pretends to play the instruments in a style reminiscent of Hulk Hogan playing the WCW Championship.

With bodies lying everywhere, Dixie takes out a box of cigars and smokes five at once. Stephanie McMahon is on notice. The show ends.

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