Monday, August 09, 2010

The Answered: The Answering Machine

Over the years, readers have grown to consider me an expert on all things professional wrestling. If you have a wrestling-related question in mind, I may have already answered it several times before. What does it take to run a successful wrestling promotion? Who will be the next mainstream megastar and why? Due to my condition down there, is it possible for my husband and I to have children? Even if you don’t agree with my point of view, you must admit that I am the most informed professional wrestling analyst/part-time gynaecologist that no money can buy. You can't name a professional wrestling analyst/part-time gynaecologist who is better than me because that person does not exist. I know more about WWE, TNA, and their lady holes than they could ever know.

Being this knowledgeable has its disadvantages, though. While I am out in public, ready and willing to answer wrestling-related queries behind back alleys, fans are looking for a more down-to-earth and relatable answer man. Why question the all-knowing one when you can get a quicker reply from a normal, like-minded peer? I respect those who prefer to get their answers as if they are speeding past a drive-thru window of knowledge, but I do not recommend others to take this convenient route. In the end, fast questions will produce processed, greasy, and bland answers with a ton of trans fat.

Thanks to online services like Yahoo! Answers, random strangers are being treated as authorities on subjects like professional wrestling. I'm sure PantlessNinja08674 and Buttface_Da_Merciless are smart people with good intentions, but why should you trust them more than me? I do not hide behind a username, nor do I protect my true identity with a pseudonym. Besides, that ninja betrayed his friends by carrying out his ninja duties, bottomless and cold. Every day, PantlessNinja08674 is disobeying the Ninja Code of Honour. Unlike other buttfaces, Buttface_Da_Merciless does not show compassion toward his butt-faced brethren. These individuals are anything but trustworthy authorities on any subject.

As a gift to the wrestling community, I have taken time out of my busy schedule to respond to questions on Yahoo! Answers. I have not committed any illegal crimes to justify this community service, but I might have to if people like PantlessNinja08674 and Buttface_Da_Merciless keep leading wrestling fans astray. You guys think you know. Let me tell you that you have no idea. I am "The Answering Machine." Leave a question at the beep, son.

How Many Roads Must A Melina Walk Down Before They Call Her A Melina?

To say the least, Be Miz is shocked that Melina Perez has returned to Monday Night RAW. When Melina Tripplehorn returned to RAW, he didn't even care. According to the ratio of exclamation to question marks in his question, he is eight times more excited than confused for Melina's return. Ever since her injury, Be Miz must have been hoarding these exclamation marks in his home, as seen in that new TLC show, Exclamation Mark Hoarders. He did not know how it happened, but it could have something to do with the recent passing of his two periods.

During a late 2009 house show, Melina tore her ACL in a six-woman tag match. Despite doctors proving that her injury was legitimate, World Wrestling Entertainment did not believe that the tear was serious. After all those times she did the splits under the bottom rope without injury, WWE wondered how could she injure herself, taking part in such a meaningless stunt like wrestling in a six-woman tag match. Every week, they invited her to make her return, but only if she could walk from Manchester, New Hampshire — where she suffered the injury — to the site of the next show. Almost eight months later, Melina was able to walk to San Antonio for the August 2nd edition of RAW. Although they are glad to have her back, World Wrestling Entertainment still believes that she faked the whole thing.

Brett "The Indecision Man" Favre

Good question, deerhunter20068. For a while, I have been wondering when Brett Favre would agree to go to TNA. Out of all the wrestling-related questions I would love to answer, that one is near the top of my list. Brett has been on the fence for the entire wrestling off-season, but I think I have an idea about his next move after consulting with my sources.

World Wrestling Entertainment's guy is Aaron Rodgers, which has forced Brett out of the company. The addition of Mark Sanchez to Ring of Honor takes away another option for him, too. Total Nonstop Action Wrestling has a strong offense, what with the fact that people are often offended by their brand of professional wrestling. Brett would be a perfect fit for the aging core, but is the price right?

He is commanding big money. I'm talking about TNA Knockout money. I'm talking about three cents and a wooden bowl of rice per appearance. Brett Favre is used to two bowls of rice, but he will settle for one if he can come in minutes before a Pay-Per-View, main event it, and try to win the championship. For weeks, he has been wrestling with high school kids in Mississippi, throwing around the body. He's good to go. Just say when.

The Beef

I wouldn't be surprised if Scott Hall had a real-life feud going with Goldust. In particular, I remember their 1996 storyline being rather risqué. Goldust used mind games to gain an advantage over “The Bad Guy,” showing his man-love for Razor with heart-shaped tattoos and inappropriate touching. Even though this storyline was darker and dirtier than most in the WWF’s cartoon era, I think Goldust took it a little bit too far for Hall's liking. As wrestlers, their job is to entertain the fans and make money. Depending upon the person, inappropriate touching is not its own reward.

With that said, I doubt Scott Hall would want to bring Dustin Rhodes' brother into their rivalry. Cody Rhodes has nothing to do with the time when Scott Hall and Goldust shared a steak dinner. That beef is between those two gentlemen. I'm sure it was delicious, yet expensive. Goldust must have handed over the cheque to him. That is why Hall is so mad.

Dream Card

WrestleMania XXIV has come and gone, except in the heart of Jason. In his world, RAW, SmackDown, and TNA have come together to put on the best WrestleMania XXIV imaginable. From top to bottom, I am impressed by the star power on this card. In addition to modern-day stars like Chyna, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, and Al Snow, we've got up-and-coming talents in the form of Triple H, The Undertaker, and Kane. With this many superstars in every match, who will come out victorious? I think I can tell you.

1st Match: Big Show will defeat Shamus — a bunch of ShamWows piled on top of each other to form a ShamWow statue of Sheamus — by forcing it to soak up way too much water.

2nd Match: Former Cuban President Fidel Castro will help Tazz win the Hell in a Cell Match. Out of the four participants, Castro will declare Tazz the automatic winner due to his resemblance to a stocky Cuban cigar. Put a pair of orange sunglasses on a stocky Cuban cigar. You'll understand.

3rd Match: Randy Orton will win the WWE Championship over The Undertaker, Sting, and Mick Foley by angry pinfall. All three men will wander and crawl around the ring, out of position for punts and RKOs aplenty, leading Randy to rage his way to the title.

4th Match: Hulk Hogan will win Money in the Bank because this is his specialty match. In the past, he has gone through hip replacement surgeries, but only to make room for robotic hips with built-in springs. He does not need a ladder. He will hop once and grab the title off the hook. Meanwhile, Rob Van and D'Lo Brown will stick to their ground game and come close.

5th Match: D-Generation X. The Four Horsemen. The Guys Who Always Pound Ass. Three legendary teams in one cage is too much for me. I put my money on Bradshaw and Farooq. They know how to pound ass with efficiency. The other two teams are novices.

Main Event: Shane McMahon will win. How are you supposed to defeat a guy who can fall from anywhere without getting hurt? The more you drop him on his head, the more he will dance. Shane is unstoppable.

Too Many Referees on the Referee Floor

I think tman02 has a right to feel insecure. Some wrestling fans are uncomfortable watching unlicensed referees call official matchups. "You're not licensed, but you're counting the pinfall. Is this call official, or must we take this decision up to the North American Wrestling Commission?"

Personally, I believe that you can never have too many special referees. When one of your regular referees goes down with the flu after feeling the forceful wind of a grazing punch, who is going to save him? You will need the assistance of a second referee. Then, what happens when the second referee gets knocked out by a spinning foot? You bring out a third referee. If that third referee suffers an accidental blow to any part of his body or hair, he's a goner, too. Who will save him now? A fourth referee? Is TNA made of money or something? Anybody who has one hand, owns a shirt with stripes, and has the ability to count to three is good enough for them.

Why can't they be good enough for you?

The Mixed Martial Grappler

For an evil version of Barney made up of several pink women, this question does not seem that evil. Perhaps Evil Barney has mellowed out over the years. Has he found love with Baby Bop? If that is the case, you are one evil dinosaur, purple sir. I would like to have a word with you. Come to my house with fruity alcohol and prophylactics. When you enter, make yourself at home in the kitchen. I just need to change my clothes, do the laundry, or change my laundry. Don't mind the police outside the windows. They're tending to the garden.

To answer your question, I would say that Rey Mysterio has a great chance to succeed in MMA. While he is small in stature, he will get to fight in his own weight class. Plus, fans of the UFC are no different than those of WWE in that they love their underdogs.

Then again, I can't see Rey Mysterio using submission holds or anything. He will have to use his wrestling skills to get victories. If the referee or one of the judges would be kind enough to open the cage door for him during a round, Rey can swing around and hit his opponent with the 619 for the knockout. Before he makes contact, his opponent will have to climb up the cage and drape his body over the cage wall, but I'm sure that won't be a big problem.

How To Invent The Wrestler

Don't let the name of Stu Pidazz fool you. His posterior may be stupid, but judging by his question, the rest of him is somewhat intelligent. Using my own two hands and brain, he has allowed me to build an ideal professional wrestler. In real life, I am not in favour of playing Wrestling God for he is one of the weaker deities. Monster Truck God and Roller Derby God laugh in the face of Wrestling God. For this question, I am willing to make an exception.

Using my creative powers, I present to you my professional wrestler. His name is H. Colton Jeffries. When he is not having yacht parties on the speedboat that is sitting in his parents' front yard, he is wrestling in boat shoes and five colourful polo shirts. His finisher is an obscure Japanese move that he calls, "Working On My Screenplay At Starbucks." His entrance music is "The Penicillin Donkey Comes to Town (Space People Like Their Earth Medicine)" by a band that sounds similar to The Arcade Fire. He carries around a guitar that he does not know how to play. This person is based on a friend of mine. On second thought, this person is based on a friend of a friend of mine. Yes.

Real Talk

Wrestling (WWE to be exact) is fake? Therefore, The Doors are certain that TNA Wrestling is the only thing that is real? That's it. I'm gone. Jim Morrison would never lie to me.

Whoever wants to join me, I'm about to watch this gritty documentary about the Matrix. This is your last chance, unless we are currently in the Matrix. We're in the Matrix, aren't we? We're in the Matrix part of the Matrix. We are in the fake part of the fake whole that is the Matrix within the Matrix. I should've known. They're still wrestling in a professional manner in here and I don't like it one bit.

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