Monday, August 02, 2010

Kid Play: Part 2

Attention mothers, fathers, and family members forced to take care of children in a Party of Five situation. Don’t bother shelling out upwards of 60 to 70 dollars on violent video games about space marines supporting controversial alien immigration laws with bullets. Why? World Wrestling Entertainment has got you covered in the gaming department with a huge selection of online titles at WWE Kids' official website. When I'm talking about the WWE Kids' website, I'm referring to If you go to, you'll only find young wrestling fans talking about the possibility of John Cena running for governor in Queensland, Australia. I don't recommend that site. Those children aren't experts on the touchy subject of Australian politics.

This fun collection of games will bring happiness and meaning into your wrestling fans' lives. As a working legal guardian, you don't have time to make them happy yourself. You've got better things to do, such as get tipsy on wine with your snooty married friends or compete in ladder matches to attain custody of your other children. While your away, let little Sally and little Mustafa play wrestling-related games on the Internet. Food, water, and shelter are excellent gifts, but guiding a flying Matt Hardy through an assault of fire-breathing pterodactyls keeps the child within the child alive.

As I continue to channel my younger self, I am beginning to appreciate the simple pleasures of childhood again. Gone is the desire to needlessly nitpick every single flaw of professional wrestling. Goodbye to passive-aggression criticism toward hard-working people. Hello to playing a bunch of games that feature the faces of WWE Superstars and not much else. When you're playing a game at WWE Kids, you don't need to see the rest of body. Kids know what they look like. They're body-shaped bodies, dude. Move on with it because I think I have one.

This second look at the WWE Kids website will showcase some of my positive and negative experiences with these games. Two years ago, I was a part of a professional video game league called MLG. I specialized in fourth-person shooters until the commissioner informed me that those games did not exist. Will my time in MLG help me become a WWE Kids gaming pro? I hope so. I want more endorsements. This hope is brought to you by Vagisil.

Most Favourite

Triple H's Whack-an-Orton

Pictured: Triple H spitting water in ecstasy as a tiny Randy Orton with a large head appears next to his crotch. Not pictured: What happens after you win "The Game."

Objective: Whack as many Ortons as you can without whacking any Hunters, who the game says is the "good one." Well excuse me, mini-game. I like Triple H's leather jacket with jean sleeves and all — which he only uses to return from injury or invade someone's home — but Orton is just as good. He wears a flesh jacket with sleeves that look like a hodgepodge of tattoos. Whackers gonna whack.
Likes: Attacking people with oversized heads is fun for the whole family and helps control the world’s big-headed population. You might as well kill them off while you can because they won’t live a long life with heads that big. Once they get into a pool or fall from a high place, forget about it. They will be goners — badminton birdie style.
Dislikes: WWE Kids forgot to put an exclamation point at the end of the game's name. If they're not excited about it, who's going to be?
Fun Rating: 8 out of 10

Fix Rey's Face!

Objective: Rey Mysterio is a broken broke guy with a broken face and a broken butt and his broken butt smells and he likes to break his own butt. In this game, re-arrange the slide puzzle pieces so Rey can live a normal life again. When you’re done, wish him well. May he press his fixed face against children like me in a creepy way for many years to come.
Likes: I think this game is teaching me about the structure of the human face. While I prefer eating over learning, we're talking about Rey Mysterio's face. One day, I want my face to be like his face, growing its own colourful wrestling masks and spreading joy throughout the land.
Dislikes: In one try, this slide puzzle took me about 217 seconds to complete. I was aiming for 619 seconds, but I gave myself a running start.
Fun Rating: 8 out of 10

Cena Goes For The Gold!

Look around your neighbourhood for 37 "You Can't See Me" logos and 3 gigantic hats. If you find them, a World Heavyweight Championship is near.

Objective: Is John Cena going for the gold? Yes. On your way to the title, you must collect logos and hats by climbing ladders, jumping over spikes, and keeping yourself balanced on floating steel steps. You have three lives and three minutes to get your championship. If you fail, you must start all over again. As long as you keep yourself alive, the first or second greatest prize in WWE can be yours. You won't even have to compete in that thing called a wrestling match.
Likes: I am no different than any young fan in the WWE Universe. John Cena is my idol. If I can't grow wrestling masks on my face, I want to run and climb ladders like Cena. He can sprint on one foot without moving the other. He can go up rungs without even looking at them. He's the man.
Dislikes: Super Mario is going to be mad. Bowser has moved on, setting his sights on the hustling, loyal, and respectful one. Now, Mario has to get his cakes and princesses from somewhere else.
Fun Rating: 10 out of 10

Matt Hardy's Dino Dodger!

Matt Fact: Matt cannot grow wings.

Objective: You are Matt Hardy. You have travelled back in time to the Stone Age to find one of those buzzards that lives under your sink and eats your garbage. You will get one by any means necessary, even if you must take to the air and avoid hitting pterodactyls with your padded elbow. If you succeed, that buzzard is going to say some funny stuff under your sink like, "One man's junk is another bird's treasure." Real garbage disposals can't say that. Real garbage disposals are prop comics.
Likes: Any dinosaur that can breath fire is cool beans with me. If these pterodactyls are actually choking on the fire, somebody help them because I don’t know CPR. What do these guys have against Matt Hardy, though? He's just trying to get through the day and these guys already have a beef with him. Maybe he knows CPR and is doing nothing about it.
Dislikes: A while ago, I showed my uncle this game. He says he likes his women how he likes his Matt Hardys — shirtless and horizontal. He's in jail now.
Fun Rating: 9 out of 10

Least Favourite

Kofi Kingston's Bad Vibe Buster!

That blue ball looks pretty miserable trying to do Kofi Kingston. That red ball seems ready, though. He can’t wait to get it on with Kofi and that blue ball.

Objective: You are Kofi Kingston with a head that's big, but not as big as Randy Orton's head. Randy thinks Kofi's head is stupid. Kofi is a holy man who can walk on water, not unlike that man I read in that religious book once (Crazy Joe and His Water Shoes, published by Penguin Books). Your job is to defend the water against red, blue, and orange balls by shooting at them with smaller balls. Ew. You're hitting balls against other balls? What kind of game is this? I bet your sister likes this game.
Likes: I'm glad Kofi Kingston is defending his home country of Jamaica. The last thing Jamaica needs is more balls.
Dislikes: That's Ghana? What in the hell is a Ghana? Fudge this game. Your face is a Ghana.
Fun Rating: -1,000,000 out of 10

Santino Marella's Pizza Face!

Objective: At the Roman Coliseum, you are Santino Marella's face. Using your arrow keys to move around the picture, you must find slices of floating pepperoni pizza and stick them to your face. Attaching soccer balls to your face will double the speed of your face or stop it altogether for a moment. Collecting enough pizza splices within the time limit will send you to the next round.
Likes: Pepperoni pizzas are my favourite type of pizza. I eat them all the time because they are made up of the most important food groups — cheese (dairy), pepperoni (meats), stuffed crust (vegetables), and cheese stuck to the cardboard box (fruits).
Dislikes: Santino Marella's face would never run around the Roman Coliseum like that, trying to stick pizza to itself. I've never been to Italy, but I'm guessing Italian people would rather eat pizza that is anywhere close to their faces. If I'm wrong, no wonder why that coliseum is in ruins. Gladiators were bouncing all over the place, looking for airborne pizza.
Fun Rating: 2 out of 10

The Undertaker's Ghost-Patrol!

Objective: Ghosts are haunting the WWE entrance set. As The Undertaker, you are given the task of leading these ghosts back into their spooky mansion. This mansion is located in the top left, top right, bottom left, and bottom right corners of every WWE entrance set. Beating each level will add to the number of ghosts you need to deal with on screen.
Likes: Look, Mom. I'm a Ghostbuster. Watch me busts these ghosts. Are you watching? Mom? Mom. Watch what I do to these ghosts. Are you watching? Are you? Okay. Yeah. Take that, you dumb ghosts. Did you see that? I busted those ghosts good. Oh wait. You're not my mom. You're just The Undertaker, judging me from afar.
Dislikes: You are not really The Undertaker. I see him, standing right there in the background, chilling in the mist. He doesn't give you orders or compliment you on a job well done. He just looks into the distance, wearing his hat and coat. Thanks for nothing, Deadman. I don't care if you're in a vegetative state. Every night, I am in a vegetative state for eight hours. I call it sleeping. I'm doing this for you.
Fun Rating: 3 out of 10

CM Punk vs. Hornswoggle Stink Off!

What do CM Punk and Hornswoggle have in common? They find Mexican food painful, sad, promising, and stressful.

Objective: By clicking your left mouse button, follow the pattern of farting CM Punk and Hornswoggle faces until your parents stop arguing downstairs. In the night, wake up your brothers and sisters and peek through the staircase railing. What do you hear? Your parents are getting a divorce because they've raised a kid who likes playing a game about farting CM Punk and Hornswoggle faces.
Likes: That plate of Mexican food looks delicious. If you can't stand the nachos, get out of the kitchen and give them to me.
Dislikes: Farts are hilarious. Faces that fart are not as hilarious.
Fun Rating: 1 out of 10

The Verdict: WWE Kids is for kids.

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