When I look back on March 30th, 2008, I cannot help but reminisce. That Sunday, I saw “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair wrestle for the very last time until he returns in about two months or so. I witnessed internet darling and former independent wrestling superstar CM Punk shock everyone to win Jeff Hardy’s Money in the Bank briefcase, which he will use to gain a shot at the prestigious World Tag Team Titles at WrestleMania XXV. Lastly, I saw Kim Kardashian, an international celebrity whose posterior is sure to be a future member of the WWE Hall of Fame. On a night of everlasting memories, I felt like a kid in a candy store, but the candy store did not sell candy; it sold memories.
In about two hundred years, I will get old and grey. On my rickety porch, I will sit in my rocking chair and try to remember the better days. Although these WrestleMania moments will fade from my mind, I will make sure to tell my children and grandchildren about the legend of the Pay-Per-View before I bow out of this world with dignity and grace, two qualities synonymous with this here blog. May the Stephens and Stephanies of tomorrow be aware that WrestleMania XXIV showcased more immortals than you can shake an immortal stick at. And, may they know that Jerry Lawler likes every song that becomes the soundtrack to a WWE event and Raven Symoné. I get it, Lawler. You have terrible taste in music and you like boobies. Can we move on now?
Pope Todd Grisham III Interviews Edge
The Pope Todd Grisham III speculates about possible WrestleMania moments to come. I see blue smoke emanating from the Vatican chimney. This blue smoke means that Pope Todd Grisham III is having pancakes for dinner. Spread the word.
Edge enters the shot with his shiny WCW belt and declares that there will be more history to come tonight. He takes the Pope Todd Grisham III on a trip down memory lane, back to WrestleMania VI and the death of Hulkamania. Edge claims that his innocence was lost at that WrestleMania. Where did WrestleMania VI touch you, Edge? Similar to himself way back when, the World Heavyweight Champion speculates that the optimistic young fan counts on Undertaker to win at WrestleMania, but he will pluck the innocence out of that child when he beats the Deadman. Where did Edge touch you, hypothetical little boy?
PyroMania
With “Snow (Hey Oh)” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and “Light It Up” by Rev Theory in the background, Jim Ross talks about the “majedry” of WrestleMania XXIV. If you like absurd pyro displays, this is the pyro display for you. Hey, I was about to use that pyro to feed my family. What am I going to use now? Food.? What good will that do?
Playboy BunnyMania Tag Team Match
WWE Women’s Champion Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon and Melina vs. 2008 Playboy Covergirl Maria and 2007 Playboy Covergirl Ashley
Holy son of the Pope Todd Grisham III, Snoop Dogg, the BunnyMania Master of Ceremonies, has a Mercedes pimp cart. S-N-DOUBLE O-P-M-O-B-I-L-E, M-O-B-I-L-E. Snoop Dogg drives his cart down the ramp to lead the lumberjills to the ring, taking five millenniums to do so. He must have one of those hybrid pimp carts that run on 50% hydrogen and 50% pimp juice. Jim Ross states that Snoop Dogg called him his “dawg” earlier that day. I done told you. I done told you, son. Jim Ross and Snoop Dogg are best friends for life. They play squash and everything.
Your lumberjills are: Kelly Kelly, Victoria, Maryse, Layla, Cherry, Mickie James, Jillian Hall, Michelle McCool, Eve and what appears to be Katie Lea Burchill. I’m going to guess it’s Katie Lea Burchill because this girl has light brown hair and looks like she wants to have intimate relations with her storyline brother.
Snoop Dogg announces the first team as “Two Fly Honeys Who Are All About The Playboy Bunny.“ For a second there, I thought he said two-ply. To my disappointment, Ashley and Maria do not come out in Playboy Bunny outfits. As a quick side note, if I have learned anything from Ashley Massaro and Maria Kanellis in this lifetime, it is that I too can compete in a WrestleMania match if I pose for Playboy. Since I am not a woman, I don’t know if I can pose for Playboy, but I’m going to try. My favourite brushes in the whole entire world are airbrushes.
Snoop introduces their opponents as “Vicious and Delicious,” which means that Scott Norton and Buff Bagwell are making surprise WrestleMania appearances. Actually, Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon and Melina make their way down the aisle with Santino Marella in tow, dressed in a boa. Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon and Melina hold feathery wings, similar to the ones seen on the headdresses of Las Vegas showgirls. Meanwhile, Snoop Dogg sits at ringside on his pimp chair. I have no words or sentences.
To start, Ashley, the technical marvel, takes on Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon with elbows and a hurricanrana pin attempt. As their respective partners tag in, Maria chucks Melina out of the ring to get semi-pummelled by the faces. With Melina back inside, Maria executes a Bronco Buster in the corner. It didn’t work for X-Pac, Torrie Wilson, or Stephanie McMahon. When Maria pulls off the Bronco Buster, the streak continues. She lifts Melina up and wanders to her corner. Ashley slaps Maria on the shoulder to tag into the match or strike Melina on the butt by accident. Then, Ashley hits Melina to strike her on the butt or tag into the match by accident. Ashley never fails to amaze the world. Ashley for President of the Galaxy in 2012.
Ashley attacks Melina with a tilt-a-whirl head scissors and a front facebuster from a middle rope mount position. Behind the referee’s back, Melina counters a move by shoving Ashley into Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon’s shoulder in a sloppy manner. The heel divas semi-pummel Ashley on the outside before sending her back into the ring. Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon hoists Melina on her shoulders and flips her onto Ashley for an assisted moonsault that almost murders everyone in sight. Maria is able to break up the count before three.
Ashley tags her partner, but a blackout occurs during Maria’s comeback. I think the Citrus Bowl is on a bathroom break or a beer run as well. The emergency spotlight, also known as the Citrus Bowl’s nightlight to prevent bad dreams, turns on to let fans witness Maria use pseudo-Trish Stratus moves. Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon lifts Maria up for a move, but she counters with a Rey Mysterio-esque bulldog. Make up your mind, Maria. Who are you going to copy? Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon fails to connect with a charge to the ropes and collides with Melina instead. At ringside, Ashley flies off the apron with a cross body on the heel divas. If Ric Flair bleeds in almost every match, let it be said that Ashley injures herself in almost every match. Alas, she did not injure herself with that move, but it was close. If you are disturbed with the fact that I compared Ashley Massaro to Ric Flair, go right ahead and be disturbed. I’m not stopping you.
Back in the ring, Maria uses a top turnbuckle bulldog on Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon. Before three, Santino pulls Maria off the pin. Jerry Lawler stands up for Maria and all wrestling Playboy Bunnies by walking over to Santino and punching him in his Italian face. I’m a big fan of Jerry Lawler being a big fan of Raven Symoné. A final return to the ring allows Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon to pin Maria with the assistance of the Fisherwoman's Buster.
During the post-match celebration, Santino taunts a fallen Maria. As Santino spins around, Snoop Dogg enters the ring and knocks him down with an amazingly strong clothesline. Next, Snoop Dogg awards himself with a disturbing make out session featuring one Maria Kanellis. And with that visual, I take back my request for a match at WrestleMania. Snoop Dogg is cool and all, but nobody wants that WrestleMania moment. Nobody, except Snoop.
Overall, this match should have been Santino Marella versus Snoop Dogg. The end.
Rating: *½
Triple Threat Match for the WWE Championship
Randy Orton (c) vs. Triple H vs. John Cena
WWE Championship Match Entrances at a Glance:
1) A marching band plays “My Time Is Now” as John Cena’s fight song. Cena sprints down the ring, pastier than usual. Since I am a fan of college fight music, Cena gets a pass.
2) Triple does nothing new for his entrance. I suppose he appears with a new bottle of water, but that observation does not count nor is it humourous. I have failed you.
3) Randy Orton walks down the ramp with the WWE Championship over his shoulder. This entrance is equal in innovation to Triple’s, yet Orton gets the opportunity to look at both opponents with scepticism. Oh, no. Two opponents is more than one. If Randy isn’t careful, he might have to face Lilian too.
After the in-ring introductions, Orton snatches the belt away from the referee and hits Hunter in the face with it. Of course, this sneaky move means that Cena is the first on offense with a bulldog and a fisherman’s suplex that looks more like a vertical suplex. Triple H returns to the ring and throws Cena out because three people cannot fight at once. If three people cannot fight at once, World Wrestling Entertainment, how come humans were born with two hands? If you don’t know the answer, humans were born with two hands to fight two other people. Everybody knows this fact. I heard it in the audio version of the Bible once. Hunter takes Randy to the ECW announce table, attacks him on it, then returns him back to the ring. Hunter’s indecisiveness is pretty extreme. It's a shame that he doesn't work Tuesdays.
With Orton in the sleeper, Cena interrupts Hunter’s rest hold and attempts to FU both men, but Triple H escapes and kicks Cena in the midsection/ball section. Once Hunter taunts Cena, Orton catches him in the “Above Average” Mike Sanders 3.0. If you don’t know Mike Sanders, you are no chum of mine, chum. Orton attacks Hunter and Cena with a Garvin Stomp each. Next, Cena and Orton battle on the turnbuckles until Hunter hoists Cena on his shoulders. Orton executes a cross body, only for Cena to roll through with superhuman strength for another FU attempt that proves to be unsuccessful.
For my favourite move of WrestleMania XXIV, Orton drapes Cena and Triple H over the middle rope and executes a double DDT. To my recollection, Rob Van Dam took that DDT the best. Plus, I liked the way he took the RKO. Now that I think of it, WWE should hire RVD and have him work a lighter schedule, just so he can make Orton’s moves look devastating. They can pay him in comic books constructed with hemp paper. As Orton goes for the RKO, Cena counters and Randy ends up elbowing Hunter on the way down.
As Triple H rolls out of the ring, Cena puts Orton in the STFU in the center of the mat. Every time he locks on that submission, Cena appears as though he is making angry man love to his opponent. As we all know, there is nothing wrong with angry man love, but I don’t need to see it happen at WrestleMania. Angry man love is for the Great American Bash and the Great American Bash only. Hunter helps Orton to the ropes, punches Cena to break the submission, and throws him into the steel steps outside. Triple cinches in a submission hold of his own with an Indian Deathlock. Cena comes back to whip Hunter up and over the ropes to put Orton in the STFU once more. Brother needs some angry man love like whoa. Hunter returns and gets Cena in a crossface. While I like the crossface, I am not ready to see it used on a regular basis yet. Cena’s will to compete or desire to touch snazzy orange objects lets him squirm over to the ropes for the break. You’re not the only one who loves those ropes. They be freaking greatness.
Cena and Hunter exchange several “Boo!” and “Yay!” punches until Cena gains the upper hand with the Protoplex. The controversial John Cena utilizes his controversial Five Knuckle Shuffle to take out Hunter in controversial fashion. Cena lifts Hunter over his controversial shoulders for the FU, but Triple H slides off for a try at the controversial Pedigree. As Cena counters with a controversial FU attempt, Hunter counters with a kick that faces minimal scrutiny. Six out of seven controversies is not a bad number. I want seven, though.
Cena misses a clothesline off the ropes and Hunter comes back with a spinebuster. He fights off Orton on the apron, then walks into another FU attempt. This time, Triple H slides off and executes the Pedigree. While he waits for the three count, Randy Orton shows up and punts Hunter in his Face of Faces. Orton wins before Hunter can recover.
After the bout, Randy Orton kisses the belt with great passion, but does not go overboard with the smooching like Snoop Dogg. Thank you, Randy. Surely, this battle was no Hunter/Benoit/Michaels from WrestleMania XX. With that said, I enjoyed this match, especially Orton’s story and the ending. Hip hip hooray for life.
Rating: ***½
“The Greatest Fighter in the World” Versus “The Largest Athlete in the World”
Floyd “Money” Mayweather vs. Big Show
If I had the choice between being the greatest fighter or the largest athlete in the world, I’d rather be the former. Since I have lost five hundred pounds with my Bowflex, I have given all of my largest athlete clothes to all of my largest athlete friends. Let’s hope they enjoy my bike shorts.
Big Show comes out ready to fight. You can tell he’s ready because he looks mad. Big Show raises his hand to the sky, which sets off a pyro display. Man, what doesn’t set off a pyro display? If I was there and I chose to wear a sweater rather than a jacket, would I get pyro? I hope so.
Accompanied by members of Mayweather Productions, Floyd’s entrance begins with a money shower on the audience. Unlike Donald Trump’s Titantron appearance on Raw last year, Mayweather’s dollar-dollars are not real. For those of you who have attained Mayweather money as souvenirs, I suggest that you try to use them at various establishments. Start small with a ninety-nine cent store, then work your way up to ninety-nine million dollar store. Good luck to you all. Mayweather emerges from the back with his posse. He is adorned in red boxing gloves and a velour/leather/fur get-up. While I can’t explain his look in accurate terms, his appearance is similar to a box of Neapolitan ice cream, if you were colourblind or thought everything in life related to zebras. If you enjoy the word pictures I am painting with my writing, please tell your friends. In the ring, Floyd’s hand gestures spark a pyro display. No fair. As I write this review, I still don’t have one.
In the first minute of the match, Floyd uses his quickness to make the Big Show look like a fool. He evades an attack in the corner and punches Big Show several times in the midsection as Big Show jabs the air above Mayweather. If Big Show does not know how to angle his punches down, he deserves to lose. Floyd proceeds to strike Show in the face with rapid right and left jabs, then takes a break in the corner by drinking from a pimp cup. If pimps drink from a pimp cup, hoes must drink from a ho tumbler, but I digress. Big Show reacts to the time-out by attacking one handler from Mayweather Productions who has provided Floyd with the pimp cup. Aw, man. Look what you did. I’m not going to clean it up for I am a pimp. Are you, Big Show? An infuriated Show hip tosses Mayweather’s pal into the ring and slaps him in the corner with his skillet-like hand. I don’t care what you do; you’re cleaning that mess, Show. Do you want to go to McDonald's or not?
As Mayweather goes for another combination, Show grabs his hands and sets them down to the mat. He tries to stomp on them but Mayweather gets away. Mayweather is speedy for a box of zebra-flavoured Neapolitan ice cream. Big Show sits Floyd on the top turnbuckle, then Mayweather counters Show with punches and a sleeper. Big Show drops to a knee but manages to release the hold and put the boots to Mayweather’s hand--Floyd‘s money-makers, if you will. Mayweather’s white-suited manager tells Big Show that “He can’t be doin’ that.” Big Show won’t listen, guy. He still hasn’t cleaned up the pimp cup spill. Where are his manners? That’s it. He’s not getting a Happy Meal. Show’s offense continues with a chest slap that echoes throughout the outdoor arena. He follows up that move by standing on Floyd. Apparently, he can’t be doin’ that. He can’t be doin’ that. He can’t do that. Pick it up, Floyd. It’s fo’ yo’ kids. The ref don't care about no kids.
The crowd gets into the action as Big Show sets down Floyd with a sideslam. The white-suited manager doesn’t say a thing, which must mean that Big Show can be doin’ that. For the second time, Big Show steps on Mayweather as Lawler says, “He can’t be doing this.” What in the hell can he do? Everything is frowned upon. Right in front of Mayweather’s crew, Big Show drops a large elbow, but they pull Floyd out of the ring before he do more damage. Supposedly, say that “they out.” While Mayweather Productions walk to the back, Big Show runs after them and takes Floyd back to the ring. Big Show prepares for the Chokeslam but another handler hits him in the back with a chair. Show gives the handler the Chokeslam instead, then Floyd strikes Show in the gut with the chair. Big Show counters with a hand to the throat, only for Floyd to low blow Show in his small attractions. To be honest, Floyd can’t be doin’ that. Floyd levels Show with numerous shots to the head and finishes him off with a brass knuckles knockout to the chin. Jim Ross declares that Floyd can do that because it’s “anything goes.” You can’t be sayin’ that. Show tries to get to his feet before the ten count but fails. Victory is yours, Floyd. Use it wisely.
I wouldn’t call this a wrestling match, but Mayweather versus Show was great entertainment. You couldn’t have asked for better performances as everyone played their roles well, including Floyd’s crew. Unlike some members of the World Wrestling Entertainment roster, Mayweather just gets it. He knows how to put on a show. I call upon Floyd Mayweather to create a stable with Kevin Federline immediately.
Rating: ***
WrestleMania XXV Promo
WrestleMania XXV comes to you live from Reliant Stadium in Houston, Texas on April 5, 2009. WrestleMania XXV is brought to you by Kid Rock’s song “Cowboy,” for World Wrestling Entertainment loves to stay current with the music scene. Where’s Limp Bizkit at? What’s up with my boys Chumbawumba?
Guest Hostess Kim Kardashian Keeps Up With A WrestleMania XXIV Attendance Announcement
Kim Kardashian announces that WrestleMania XXIV has set a new Citrus Bowl attendance record of 74,635 people. She orders the crowd to stand up and give themselves round of applause for existing as human beings. Girl, did you learn anything from Raven Symoné? Dang. She adds, “It’s big, that’s really big.” That’s what she said… when she announced a new attendance record.
World Heavyweight Championship Match: Title Versus Streak
Edge (c) vs. Undertaker
For the Deadman’s entrance, the druids come out in their black coats and flaming sticks. I don’t know what they’re chanting, so I’m going to assume that they’re performing the Saved By The Bell theme. What can he say? Undertaker digs Nerdstrom. With his sleeveless Ministry coat on his person, Undertaker makes his chilling entrance down the ramp through fire, smoke, and a whole bunch of lights. Personally, I did not enjoy the Ministry incarnation of the Undertaker because I don’t like Tom Cruisian Witchcraft, but to each his own. Cole says, “The magnificence that is the fabled, the legendary, the Undertaker.” What a weirdo.
You think you know him. Edge strolls out through a cloud of thick smoke as his entrance theme says, “On this day, I see clearly.” No, that’s not true. He has 55% visibility at best. Smackdown Wheelchair Pusher Theodore R. Long assists Smackdown General Manager Vickie Guerrero to the top of the ramp. Vickie and Edge share a passionate kiss before the champion leaves to defend his title. Seriously, even that kiss was better than Snoop’s public display of affection. Edge’s entrance receives an elaborate pyro display. Does that shock you? Of course it does with the grandeur and the magic and splendor and what not.
Jonathan Coachman will be the colour commentator for your WrestleMania XXIV main event. Oh, hamburgers and hot dogs. Edge starts with right hands galore, but Undertaker fights back with a clothesline to the mat and a second one that sends Edge to the outside. Edge attempts to pull Undertaker back into the ring, but his opponent counters with a stunner on the top rope. Is that Vintage Undertaker, Cole? No? How about a leaping clothesline? Yes? Alright then.
The Michael Cole-ism checklist is as follows:
- “Vintage Undertaker.”
- “Classic Undertaker.”
- “Undertaker is the best pure striker in the history of sports entertainment.”
- “Edge is the ultimate opportunist.”
- “Yummy, yummy, yummy, I’ve got love in my tummy and feel like loving you.”
I predict that Michael Cole will go five for five at this WrestleMania. Good for him. That’s interesting. That’s interesting. An Old School attempt is countered by Edge, which is then countered again into an arm drag. He can’t be doin’ that. Wait, that’s the wrong match. My apologies. While Undertaker connects with a high knee, the momentum takes him all the way down to ringside. With Undertaker on the apron, Edge spears him. At what point will moves be considered as “Vintage Edge?” If anything, this one is the move. Edge executes a neat little spinning neckbreaker to the top rope. As the current WWE Championship has taught us, spinning things are better than stationary things.
Edge attacks Undertaker in the corner with a second spear and a dropkick. Edge’s spear is one of the least impressive spears in the business, but he gets away with it because he brings so much else to the wrestling table. As Edge climbs to the top turnbuckle, Undertaker shoves him off and does an athletic yet predictable suicide dive, up and over the top rope to the floor. Though I find the move exciting, he needs to do something different to get my attention. Perhaps he bakes a cake in mid-air. I don’t know. Undertaker continues to punish Edge with a leg drop on the apron, which Coachman deems as a “dropkick.” These great calls are the reason why he gets paid the big bucks. I want him to do the Charleston again.
Due to his injured back, Undertaker buckles under Edge’s weight for the Last Ride. Edge takes advantage of his opponent’s weakness by kicking the Deadman in his dead face. At ringside, Edge back body drops Undertaker on the edge of the barricade. Even though the barricade is padded and this is a scripted sport, I’m going to say, “Ow.” To subdue the challenger, Edge uses a Half Boston Crab. With this submission, Michael Cole calls Edge a “master psychologist.” What a master weirdo.
As Undertaker breaks the hold, they exchange a flurry of right hands. Undertaker gains momentum with a set of running clothesline and a snake eyes drop. Soon enough, Edge returns on the offensive with a dropkick. The back and forth moves continue as Undertaker tries to pull off the chokeslam twice, only for Edge to counter with an Edge-O-Cution from the days of yore. After a near-three count, Undertaker blocks the spear with a knee and takes Edge down with a Chokeslam. To the surprise of Cole, Coachman, and myself, Edge kicks out. Undertaker looks for Old School but Edge dead crotches the Deadman on the top rope and pulls off a superplex for another near fall. So far, this match is good, but several levels under Ric Flair’s bout with Michaels, at least in terms of emotion.
With Edge perched on the middle rope, Undertaker holds him up for the Last Ride. Edge escapes and executes a neck breaker for the two-point-seven-five count. Prior to this match, Undertaker and Edge coated themselves in butter in order to counter each other’s moveset with fluidity and efficiency. Undertaker returns the favour by countering a back body drop attempt with a successful Last Ride. The Spirit Squad in the crowd is pleased, as am I. At the same time, Mitch still sucks.
Undertaker signals for the Tombstone, but Edge counters with the Edge-O-Matic of an era long, long ago. With the third try, Undertaker finally connects with Old School. As he bounces off the ropes, his kick accidentally connects with Smackdown referee Jimmy Corderas. Rest in peace, Jimmy Corderas. Undertaker is 15.25-0 at WrestleMania. With the referee down, Edge low blows the Deadman and hits him with a camera, which I doubt is high-definition. Edge tries the finish him off with a Tombstone but Undertaker counters with one of this own. In dire need of a referee, Charles Robinson sprints down the ramp like an Ultimate Charles Robinson and counts a two-point-eight-zero count. Next, Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins run to the ring like a couple of foolish fools. Undertaker greets either Zack or Curt by chokeslamming one onto the other on the outside. Once Undertaker turns around, Edge nails him with a spear for a two-point-nine-nine count. Towards the finish, Edge strives to get the win with another spear. As he pulls it off, Undertaker captures Edge in the Gogoplata for the tapout. Somewhere in the back, Michelle McCool is McPleased. Cole says, “The immortal Undertaker‘s fabled streak continues at WrestleMania.” Yes, it does, but still--what a fabled weirdo.
While I thought Undertaker was going to win, I applaud WWE for instilling some doubt in me with Edge’s exciting set of near falls in the last five minutes. At 16-0, I think WWE needs to keep that streak going until Undertaker has twenty wins. Some claim that Undertaker is old, but he’s an undead living zombie guy thing who does MMA moves. He’s more than immortal. I see him wrestling for another five or five thousand years until he puts the urn on the mantle.
Rating: ***½
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