Every wrestling fan believes they can book World Wrestling Entertainment to greatness. They ponder dream matches in their head and map out memorable moments that will last twenty lifetimes. You, the reader who reads, has dedicated your undivided attention and paper dollars to the talented people of WWE for years, yet you still think that you can do better than the professionals. This week, The Swerved assumes the role that wrestling enthusiasts across the land wish to have. Without further delay, I will become the booker for the company you have grown to hate yet love at the same time: World Wrestling Entertainment. I am no magician. I am not a miracle worker. Unlike the gentle carpenter, I cannot tune water into wine.
What I can do is transform WWE into a dynamic and unstoppable entertainment juggernaut.
Brace yourselves, strap on your seatbelts, and take note of the emergency exits to your left and to your right. With the mere power of my own mind, I give you the second installment of The Booker. Gather around, townspeople. Let us rejoice and read plans from The Good Book.
Refresher Notes: - World Wrestling Entertainment has been changed to Swerved Wrestling Entertainment. Why? Because Swerved Wrestling Entertainment is out of this world. See what I did there? I took five years off to think up that gem. Are you happy? I forgot what food tastes like. Does it taste like paint by any chance? - Swerved Wrestling Entertainment begins from square-circled one. The company brings you brand new matches, feuds, rivalries, interviews, and segments for your personal enjoyment. Sadly, I will not be able to top The Great Khali's segment on Smackdown in which he offered a goat to the Big Show. In my neck or neckular area of the woods, goats are beardtastic yet sparse. Sorry. - Swerved Wrestling Entertainment does not reflect the current state of World Wrestling Entertainment. In other words, William Regal has not been suspended, the Undertaker has not "left" WWE, and Mike Adamle is not a constant delight. - Wrestlers will stick to wrestling on their designated brand. If you need to see Hornswoggle on all three shows, may the Pope Todd Grisham have mercy on your sports entertainment soul. - In the archives section of this site, check the first edition of The Booker to admire the golden days of yesteryear. Do you remember the good old days of last month? Pepperidge Farm doesn't because it is a farm. - Each installment of The Booker concludes with a monthly Pay-Per-View. As a professional wrestling analyst, I am not a machine. I am a boy carved out of wood.
Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist -- Swerved Wrestling Entertainment's first ever Pay-Per-View event -- brings together the stars of RAW, Smackdown, and ECW to take hard earned money from your manly wallets and change purses before you wise up and buy food, shelter, and clothing. Unlike WWE Night of Champions, Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist features feuds and matches that matter. You won't see wrestlers tripping each other in a cutesy way. You won't see two men fighting over a toaster strudel; rather, you will witness intense rivalries over prestigious championships. Take a trip to the fantasy world and order Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist from your non-existent Pay-Per-View provider today.
SWE Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist Pay-Per-View Card June 29, 2008 Presented by Carlito. Carlito: I don’t like Triple H. I want to get fired.
SWE Championship Match Triple H (c) vs. William Regal
World Heavyweight Championship Match Undertaker (c) vs. Umaga
SWE Intercontinental Title Match Mr. Kennedy (c) vs. CM Punk
SWE United States Title Match MVP (c) vs. Shawn Michaels
SWE Women's Championship Match Mickie James (c) vs. Natalya
ECW Championship Tournament Semifinal Matches AJ Styles vs. John Morrison Samoa Joe vs. Tommy Dreamer
***
RAW
News: - Rehab for Garrison.
Lance Cade is addicted to "The Liquid Mistress." That’s a shame. Trevor Murdoch can't help you anymore. He's too busy singing country songs to zero crowd reaction while wearing a trucker hat and a silver garbage bag. For your infotainment, silver garbage bags are "hefty" responsibilities. Me make a funny.
Television Results:
JUNE 2, 2008
- SWE Champion Triple H attempts to begin RAW with another twenty-minute opening segment. This time, he's the guest on Chris Jericho's Highlight Reel. At the five-minute mark, William Regal joins Hunter and engage in a stare down with the champion. As the ultimate insult, Regal calls Hunter "scattered clouds" rather than the tried and true "sunshine.” Oh no he did not. Triple H challenges Regal to a fight, but William refrains. Regal looks at the showy belt with a maniacal expression, then walks back up the ramp.
MATCH 1:
Cryme Tyme defeats the Highlanders. After the match, Homicide and Hernandez (LAX) debut, beating Shad Gaspard's wifebeater and attacking JTG's exposed shin. You deserved it, JTG. If you wear pants with one leg rolled up to the knee, you're asking for trouble. You're saying, "Hey, I don't need a functional shin anymore. Why don't you shatter it?" - Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela tries to interview LAX about their attack on Cryme Tyme. Homicide and Hernandez bow down to Korpela and rush out of the shot without saying a word. - For the first time, Natalya appears on RAW to run down the women's division. Pish Tosh. Ashley Massaro is a technical marvel. Natalya vows to win the SWE Women's Championship at any cost. As a homage to her father, Natalya strokes her beard... down there. Nice work, lady.
MATCH 2: SWE Women's Championship Match
Mickie James defeats Beth Phoenix by reversing the Fisherwoman's Suplex into the Mickie DDT. At the commentary table, Natayla stands up and shines the imaginary women's title around her real waist. In response, Mickie shines the actual title belt. In my opinion, Natalya's imaginary championship appears shinier. Go figure. - A video montage hypes the arrival of Rey Mysterio to Monday Night RAW. Since the clips are quick and Mysterio's various attires are so colourful, children become susceptible to a sight I like to call "The Epileptic Rainbow." What fun we are having. - Backstage, Chris Jericho watches the hype video and smirks. What are you up to, Jericho? Perhaps something worthy of a smirk. - Vince McMahon makes history by hyping the Intercontinental Championship, a title held by such superstars as The Rock, Steve Austin, and Billy Gunn. He announces that ten superstars will compete in a battle royal on the next edition of RAW to determine the new Intercontinental Champion. As he walks out of the ring, Mr. Kennedy comes down to proclaim that he will be the next best Intercontinental Champion of our generation. Better than Billy Gunn? I think not. He was "The One." You might be "The Two," but you are not "The One."
MATCH 3:
Mr. Kennedy defeats Val Venis with multiple Mic Checks. Over Val's fallen body, Kennedy announces his win on the dangling microphone. - At the commentary table, RAW colour analyst JBL hypes up his RAW main event match against Triple H. John initiates his serious face and promises a bloodbath of bloodbathian proportions. Before battle, JBL downs a bottle of MamaJuana energy drink. Silly, JBL. You can't defeat Triple H by doing him.
MATCH 4: Main Event - Street Fight
Triple H defeats JBL with the Pedigree on the steel steps. After the match, William Regal walks down to the ring, applauds Triple H's victory, and hands him the belt. Hunter reacts to Regal's gesture by snatching the title away and cursing him out. You show him, Hunter. You're "mildly sunny" on your worst day, man.
Triple H claims that JBL was working too stiffly. Of course he was working too stiffly, Hunter. Prior to your match, he drank MamaJuana. He could have impaled you with his wiener. Consider yourself lucky.
JUNE 9, 2008
MATCH 1:
In her RAW debut match, Natalya defeats Jillian Hall with the Sharpshooter. While Mickie observes the match from the entranceway, she witnesses Natalya cinch in the submission move on Jillian. Without fail, the pain allows Jillian to sing well. RAW referees try to pry Natalya's hands away, but she maintains a strong hold on Jillian. For the entire time, Natalya maintains eye contact with Mickie. One moment later, Natalya leaves the ring triumphant. Meanwhile, Mickie looks concerned... down there. - Via video message, King William Regal announces that he supports Triple H as WWE Champion. As the King of WWE, he does not strive for war. He desires peace. You go, Regal. You go. - Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews Chris Jericho about his feelings on Rey Mysterio's upcoming RAW debut. Jericho claims that he will welcome Mysterio with open arms. Korpela asks Jericho about the meaning of "open arms" as a phrase because no human being can unveil the contents of his or her arms without suffering massive blood loss. In return, Jericho smacks him. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment allows its wrestlers to smack Jack Korpela for being Jack Korpelan, but not Todd Grisham. After all, he is the Pope.
MATCH 2:
In their RAW debut, Deuce 'N Domino defeats Cryme Tyme with the Crack 'Em in the Mouth to Shad. Bah-dah-bup-baa-bah... Dominios. With JTG's shin at about 2% thanks to LAX's sneak attack, Shad wrestles in what is essentially a handicap match against the leather-jacketed ones. After the match, Shad helps JTG to the back and scours the building for Homicide and Hernandez. - Through video, Homicide and Hernandez taunt Cryme Tyme at length with a video of their attack on JTG's shin. You should've known better, JTG or JTG's shin.
MATCH 3: 10 Man Battle Royal for the vacant SWE Intercontinental Championship
Mr. Kennedy defeats Super Crazy, Carlito, Santino Marella, Mark Henry (RAW debut), Hardcore Holly, Jim Duggan, Paul Burchill, and CM Punk (RAW debut). Mr. Kennedy survives the wrath of Hacksaw Jim Duggan to win the coveted SWE Intercontinental Championship. Actually, nine guys begin the match by tossing Mark Henry up and over the ropes like an enormous bag of hazardous materials. Then, Mr. Kennedy avoids strenuous physical activity until he takes out Hardcore Holly with a clothesline. In the final minutes of the match, CM Punk shows up and cleans house of the bad guys to get to Mr. Kennedy. At the finish, Kennedy counters Punk's Go 2 Sleep into a low blow and a back drop suplex onto the floor. Punk looks on in anger as Kennedy shouts his name over the dangling microphone. - In a special segment, John Cena answers questions from his fans in a segment entitled "The John is Here." Mary from Twin Falls, Idaho asks, "Why are you so dreamy?" John has no answer. Good segment, John. - Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela recovers from Jericho’s smack to interview Mr. Kennedy about his Intercontinental title win. Ken shouts his name a bunch of times, then looks around the backstage area for Punk. One minute later, he hears a noise in the background and runs off in a frightened state. Like his idol Stone Cold Steve Austin, Mr. Kennedy runs away from harm. - JBL leaves the commentary table to prepare for his title match against Triple H. Watch out, Hunter. He's going to drink a case of MamaJuana Energy drinks. His bone is for you.
MATCH 4: Main Event - WWE Championship Match
Triple H defeats JBL with interference from William Regal and a desperation Pedigree. As the referee hands Hunter his title belt, Regal runs into the ring and nails Hunter in the back of the head with brass knuckles. Regal props Hunter up and clasps the belt around the champion's waist. He says, "Here is your champion." To close the show, Regal waves to the fans and applauds the fallen Triplicate H. How awesome you are, Regal.
JUNE 16, 2008
- Chris Jericho walks down to the ring and announces that Rey Mysterio will be on RAW in two weeks. Jericho declares that Mysterio's career on RAW will begin with an appearance on the Highlight Reel. No wicked shenanigans ever occur on the Highlight Reel. Those who enjoy highlights in reel form are aware of this obvious fact.
MATCH 1:
Chris Jericho defeats Super Crazy with the Walls of Jericho. Next, he reminds the crowd that Rey Mysterio is coming to RAW. Sadly, the fans will forget what he just said because they are wrestling fans. As a follower of professional wrestling myself, I have become forgetful too. Unless you present me aspects of the past in the style of a unnecessary video recap after an inconvenient commercial break, I have zero clue what took place beforehand. Wait, what was I saying? - William Regal makes his grand entrance to the ring and waves to the fans from a golden throne that is mounted on an elaborate English float. When Regal enters the ring, he gloats about his attack on Hunter. He states that Triple H is nothing but a self-proclaimed king and does not deserve to be called champion. Regal calls for footage of his attack on Hunter to be played on the Titantron. Through watery eyes, he watches the footage with pride. While he attempts to view the video once more, John Cena walks out to ruin the party. Cena claims that Regal was, is, and will never be king as long as "The Champ" is around. Regal laughs at the comment, informing Cena that he needs to be an actual champion in order to be called "The Champ." Oh no he did not again. Before a fight breaks out, Cena and Regal agree to engage in a competition of fisticuffs at show’s end.
MATCH 2:
Natalya and Beth Phoenix defeat Mickie James and Melina when Melina submits to Natalya’s Sharpshooter. Natalya continues the tradition of not breaking submission holds and digs down deep in an attempt to break Melina's back. As Mickie returns to her feet, she runs after Natalya, only for the lady Neidhart to evade the attack. Natalya watches as Mickie tends to Melina... down there. - Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews Natalya about her upcoming match at Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist against Mickie. Natalya wishes to break Mickie's back and take her title. This battle is going to be delightful. - Jim Duggan walks down a hallway with 2x4 in hand for his match against Ken Kennedy. Wrestling fans love this segment because they love hallways.
MATCH 3: SWE Intercontinental Title Match
Mr. Kennedy defeats Jim Duggan with the Mic Check. Mr. Kennedy taunts Duggan for the entire match, then puts Hacksaw out of his misery with a Mic Check on the SWE Intercontinental Championship. From the rafters, Ken calls for the dangling microphone to lower, but the microphone does not. Mr. Kennedy argues with the ringside crew about the whereabouts of his microphone. While he stands on the apron with his back to the ring, CM Punk walks through the crowd and gestures to the rafters for the microphone. Punk grabs the microphone, taps Mr. Kennedy on the shoulder, then hands him the microphone. Ken looks back and sees Punk, who punches him in the facial region. Kennedy bounces off the apron and leaves. Punk mocks Kennedy over the microphone. A feud for the Intercontinental belt, I say? I am bonkers. - Back from another important commercial break, Cryme Tyme stand in the ring and call out LAX. At this point, JTG's shin is in a cast, which is good. although, JTG chooses to expose his other shin by rolling up his pant leg. I am going to guess that JTG doesn't like having shins. From afar, LAX talks smack about Shad and JTG. In noticeable pain, Cryme Tyme invites LAX to enter the ring. Without hesitation, Hernandez and Homicide run down but back off once Cryme Tyme use tire irons to either prepare themselves to fix automobiles or defend themselves. Any way you put it, Cryme Tyme is ready. - Paul Burchill and Katie Lea Burchill commend William King for his efforts as King of SWE. Paul and Katie inform him that they support his cause every step of the way. This segment is very British. If you watch this segment five times in a row, you will become Michael Caine. - Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela gets a hold of Homicide and Hernandez. LAX mocks Cryme Tyme and urges them to fight like real men. LAX fights nothing like an airport.
MATCH 4: Main Event
William Regal defeats John Cena with brass knuckles to the back of the head. Regal caps this episode of Monday Night RAW by kissing those brass knuckles and waving to the fans. Meanwhile, Cena is either unimpressed or unconscious. If I had to guess, I say that John is definitely unimpressed by this turn of events. You can tell that he is unimpressed by the way in which the lines of drool trickle from the corner of his mouth.
JUNE 23, 2008
- With the old-school, grey curtain behind him, CM Punk sends Mr. Kennedy the following message: Kennedy is one and done at Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist. CM Punk is addicted to competition and sending lame messages.
MATCH 1:
CM Punk defeats Carlito with the Go 2 Sleep. Punk counters sneak attacks by Santino Marella and avoids Carlito's Backstabber. As Punk hoists Carlito in the Go 2 Sleep position, he says Kennedy's name twice in a sarcastic fashion. You sure showed him, Punk. Go ahead and celebrate with some non-alcohol Kool-Aid or whatever you boring, straight-edge people drink. How about some bottled, lukewarm water with no ice? On second thought, don't drink that water. You're the designated driver tonight. You don't want roadside officers to catch you somewhat refreshed. - Backstage, Deuce 'N Domino eat Dominios. In the locker room, they come across a perturbed Cryme Tyme. They make fun of Shad and JTG and claim that Cryme Tyme is afraid of LAX. Shad and JTG react to their opinions with a backstage brawl. Some of Heat's greatest legends break up the scuffle. The world is yours, Val. - Chris Jericho presents the last Rey Mysterio hype video before the man’s debut on RAW. He cannot wait to interview Mysterio on the Highlight Heel and find out Rey’s plans for the future. He hopes to introduce fans to the real Rey Mysterio -- the Rey Mysterio that resembles a balding toddler. - Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews SWE Women's Champion Mickie James. Mickie responds to Natalya's comments with a warning. Natalya better watch her back because Mickie will be present at the announce table tonight. Uh oh. At the top of the hour, she's going to call you a poopy head. Be careful.
MATCH 2:
Natalya defeats Melina with the Sharpshooter. Last week, Natalya tenderized Melina's back with the submission move. This week, Natalya almost injures her for good. Mickie James runs in and attacks Natalya with a flurry of punches. She grabs Natalya's legs and tries to execute the Sharpshooter, but Natalya slinks away before she gets the chance. Natalya nurses her wounds... down there. - The montage of Regal's attack on Triple H plays. You know what? We haven't seen Triple H in a while. We will never see him again. I bet my life savings on black. - John Cena arrives in a daze. Hooray for lateness and wrestlers who choose to ignore serious storyline concussions.
MATCH 3:
Cryme Tyme defeat Deuce 'N' Domino with the G-9. Sadly, G-9 fails to give them BINGO. Once the match concludes, Shad and Gaspard challenge LAX to show their faces. On the Titantron, Homicide and Hernandez greet them and inform the team that they will meet them in the streets next week. West Side Story time, beyotches. - Your Lord and Saviour Jack Korpela interviews William Regal. The King of SWE tells Korpela that he is saddened about John Cena's condition. While he does not think Cena will be able to compete tonight, he will show up for the match. Also, Regal gives a shout-out to Triple H. What, what. Holla at yo boy.
MATCH 4: Main Event
William Regal and John Cena wrestle to a draw. With a fallen Cena at ringside, Regal retrieves his set of brass knuckles, but Triple H interferes to brawl with the King of SWE around the ring. Hunter snatches the brass knuckles from Regal's hand. With Regal’s head against the ring post, Triple H leans in for the death blow. To his disappointment, Regal escapes. As Regal runs up the ramp, Hunter follows. Show done. Go home.
Current Feud Ratings: Triple H vs. William Regal: 87% CM Punk vs. Mr. Kennedy: 89% LAX vs. Cryme Tyme: 76% Mickie James vs. Natalya: 38%
***
Smackdown
News: -Mick Foley has sustained a brutal neck injury from sitting in a chair behind a desk. He will be out for eight months... right here... in Madison, Wisconsin. Yeah.
Television Results:
JUNE 6, 2008
Jamie Noble refuses to lose to Vladimir Kozlov. Two can play at this game, fellow. I refuse to believe that Nunzio is not your cousin anymore. How about that?
MATCH 1:
In their Smackdown return, London & Kendrick defeats Jesse & Festus with Sliced Bread #2. Paul London and Brian Kendrick win a match? That’s news. Because they are back on Smackdown, London and Kendrick get to wrestle in matches which are longer than two minutes. In the end, this match goes three minutes. Mega million win for the both of you. - A mock instructional video plays to introduce karate masters Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter. Together, Doane and Jeter are The Cobras, a tag team set to bring honour and spirit to Friday Night Smackdown. Ken Doane breaks a wooden board with a forceful exhale, then Johnny Jeter roundhouse kicks a broken merry-go-round to make it spin. Finally, the tandem of Doane and Jeter work as one to demolish an old building with knife-edge chops. In conclusion, The Cobras are my new best friends. - New Smackdown talent Shawn Michaels arrives in the building. Stars like The Heartbreak Kid are always late for shows, but the fans don't care. Punctuality is not a quality that factors into fans' interest with a professional wrestler. Mostly, they dig it when a wrestler finds his way through a corridor that only leads one way. If the wrestler gets lost in that corridor, expect many jeers. - In the ring, Shawn Michaels greets the Smackdown fans, but Montel Vontavious Porter interrupts the introduction. Porter runs down Michaels accomplishments. He tells Shawn that he is no match for MVP. Shawn and MVP engage in a shoving match before magic occurs to spark the band of Smackdown referees to intervene. The two men are separated, which allows MVP to gloat from a distance. Unwilling to let Porter free, Michaels marches back into the ring, superkicks Porter's face off, and trades in his HBK brand cowboy hat for MVP's do-rag. Flawless victory for Shawn. - Backstage, London and Kendrick meet Jimmy Wang Yang and Shannon Moore. Yang and Moore claim that they're the best high-fliers on Smackdowns; London and Kendrick disagree. Following ten minutes of awkward conversation, the two teams walk out of the shot. Success, I guess. - In the ring, Chavo Guerrero challenges any wrestler in the back to a match. Hornswoggle appears to Chavo's delight, but Finlay follows to Chavo's chagrin. Bam Neely looks on like Roadkill if Roadkill loved the Bowflex.
MATCH 2:
Finlay defeats Chavo Guerrero by countout. During the match, Finlay manhandles Chavo and throws him out of the ring. Neely steals Finlay's shillelagh and hands it over to Chavo. After the ten count, Chavo clocks Hornswoggle with the shillelagh and makes a run for it, giggling with Neely. Let me tell you that Swerved Wrestling Entertainment does not condone calculated violence on innocent bystanders. With that said, random violence on innocent bystanders is okay. - New Smackdown interviewer Maria regains her charming, ditzy persona in an interview with Edge. She chooses to call him "Corner" and "Surface." The former World Heavyweight Champion promises the audience that he will be on top of Swerved Wrestling Entertainment in no time, starting with his main event match versus the Big Show. Actually, nobody can be on top of Swerved Wrestling Entertainment because my company is not a thing. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment is a state of mind, such as euphoric or hungry. - A new segment is born that will be the sure-fire highlight of every Friday night. The Great Khali hosts the first episode of Night Khals, an interview segment which involves sit-down interviews with SWE's greatest superstars of today and tomorrow. Tonight, Khali's guest is Vladimir Kozlov. Khali and Kozlov discuss teen pregnancy, the war in Iraq, and Kozlov's favourite breakfast treat. The answer may surprise you. Move aside, Charlie Rose.
MATCH 3:
Vladimir Kozlov defeats Jamie Noble with an inverted DDT. Jamie Noble argues that dry cereal should be everyone's favourite breakfast treat. Wrong answer.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Edge defeats Big Show with interference from Vickie Guerrero and the Spear. Big Show dominates the match and seeks to finish Edge off with the Chokeslam. At the last minute, Vickie Guerrero clangs a steel chair against Show's head behind the referee's back, climbs to the top turnbuckle, and pulls off the Shooting Star Press on the fallen big man. Vickie calls the move "Vickie's Vapour Rub," a clever but nonsensical name for anything involving Vickie Guerrero. As Big Show stands up, Edge and Vickie flee on an old-timey railroad handcar. Oh, old-timey railroad handcar. You are a hilarious, turn-of-the-century mode of transportation. You are as hilarious as Triple H sporting a handlebar moustache while he rides a high wheel bicycle. - In the last segment of the show, Mike Adamle introduces Umaga -- Smackdown’s newest and perhaps best acquisition. Umaga makes his Smackdown debut with a vicious attack on Adamle and several SWE officials and referees. No, Charles Robinson, no. Umaga props Little Naitch in the corner and runs at him with his own butt, which hurts despite the cushion of said butt. In the center of the ring, Umaga screams out to the rafters for the Undertaker. In the final seconds of Friday Night Smackdown, Umaga hears a loud gong and turns to the entranceway. End of show. Suspense-a-mundo.
Shawn wants Edge. You'd like to, wouldn't you, Shawn? I'd like to dress up as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea and ride a neon unicorn with Kelly Kelly, who is also dressed as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea, if possible, but you can't always get what you want.
JUNE 13, 2008
MATCH 1:
Shannon Moore defeats Brian Kendrick with a roll-up. Kendrick attempts to match Moore move for move, but Shannon manages to surprise his opponent with the quick pinfall. While Kendrick stews in the ring, Moore and Yang walk up the ramp with grins aplenty. So far, my 1,300,520th favourite wrestler of the year is Shannon Moore. Therefore, this feud is nice. - In the ring, Maria interviews Edge, Chavo Guerrero, and Vickie Guerrero about their recent tomfoolery. Smackdown General Manager Vickie Guerrero states that Edge and Chavo do what they need to do to win, which is a strategy that other Smackdown superstars are too stubborn to adopt. In the middle of the segment, Finlay arrives to confront Chavo, but Edge interferes in his business. Vickie announces that Edge will face Finlay in the main event. Good idea, you wheelchairlicious hussy. - Backstage, Batista speaks of unfinished business with Umaga, whom he defeated at WrestleMania XXIV. When Batista can't compete in matches for the World Heavyweight Championship, look for him to bully people for no apparent purpose.
MATCH 2:
MVP defeats that dastardly Funaki with the Playmaker. Take that, Funaki. How do you like a leg over your neck, then you spin a little, then you fall on your back? Not a whole lot, I bet. MVP squashes Funaki with the might of five Funakis, talking trash about Shawn Michaels at various points in the bout. - Once Porter gets the three count, he heads backstage. While he tries to turn the corner, he meets HBK. Michaels' foot emerges from the backstage curtain to superkick Porter in the face for the second week in a row. For the record, unexpected, foot-related violence is welcome in Swerved Wrestling Entertainment as well.
MATCH 3:
Matt Hardy defeats Gregory... Helms in a match that proves that Gregory... Helms has come back too soon. Matt Hardy pins Helms with the Twist of Fate. As Helms hits the canvas, his head flies right off his neck. I conclude that Gregory Helms did not let his injures heal long enough. - On this episode of Night Khals, The Great Khali gives Jamie Noble the forum to refute Vladimir Kozlov's breakfast food claims. Other topics that The Great Khali and Jamie Noble touch upon are the positives and the negatives of the new 3G iPhone, the long-term benefits of fibre, and the dwindling quality of M. Night Shyamalan films. Unfortunately, Vladimir Kozlov is not present to respond to Noble’s comments with his fists. - Chavo Guerrero searches for Edge in the backstage area, but meets the Big Show instead. After Chavo insults him, Big Show chokes the man until Bam Neely appears to protect Chavo. As Bam and Chavo walk away, Big Show laughs. In my mind, Big Show laughs like a shy Japanese school girl. Also, Mark Jindrak.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Edge defeats Finlay with a Hornswoggle shot to the skull. Both wrestlers brawl around ringside for a significant portion of the match, then take it into the ring for the finish. Outside the ring, Chavo picks up Hornswoggle and hands him to Bam Neely, who then hands him to Edge. With a dazed Finlay on the ropes, Edge throws Hornswoggle at him. This act marks the first time that a son has been used as an international object to defeat a father in a professional wrestling match. Congratulations, team. Vickie Guerrero attempts to orchestra a beat down on Finlay and Hornswoggle, but the Big Show appears to clean house by existing. This thang is not over. - With Smackdown security behind his back, Theodore Long calls out Umaga to the ring. The Samoan Bulldozer complies and stares at Long, who reprimands him for his actions last week. Umaga goes nuts and takes out Long with the Samoan Spike. He continues his rampage with Samoan Spikes to the Smackdown security team. That wasn’t secure at all. - The arena turns pitch black with the lightning and what not. When the lights return, Undertaker stands behind Umaga with a furious look on his face. As Umaga looks over his shoulder, the lights switch off. When they come back, Undertaker is nowhere to be seen. End of show. I'm so excited, I'm so excited, I'm so excited. I'm so scared.
JUNE 13, 2008
MATCH 1:
In the opener, Paul London defeats Jimmy Wang Yang with a roll-up. London and Kendrick work together to outwit the team of Yang and Moore when Brian shifts the momentum of Paul back onto Jimmy. This time, Yang and Moore are not happy campers. They are not happy professional wrestlers either, but they do camp now and again. If you ask nicely, Shannon Moore can be punk in the wilderness. Bears are attracted to women's menstrual blood, but they are quite afraid of Shannon Moore's shiny pants. Store your food and other belongings in his shiny pants and they will be safe. - On this episode of Night Khals, The Great Khali invites Jamie Noble back on the show to express his feelings about high gasoline prices, advancements in robot technology, and Vladimir Kozlov. Noble badmouths Vladimir for his views and wrestling ability. The Great Khali tries to end the segment, but Noble gets in his face. Next, Noble jumps up to slap The Great Khali. This match is on like a kid with a bonbon.
MATCH 2:
The Great Khali defeats Jamie Noble with the Khali Vice Grip. As Noble passes out, he continues to diss Vladimir. The Great Khali shakes his head in disbelief for Jamie Noble seems to be a poor judge of character. You see, Nidia was a decent person. She had her eccentricities, but she had a good heart. Too bad Jamie didn't agree. - Maria interviews Batista about his match against Umaga tonight. The Veiny One declares that he will hurt Umaga. If I were Umaga, I would not wrestle Batista. While Batista's words could mean that the man wants to cause physical pain on you, he may want to inflict emotional pain. Umaga may have skeletons in his closet that he is unwilling to acknowledge. Knowing Batista, anything could happen. He knows about the time you had to wear headgear to your junior prom, Umaga. He's in your kitchen. - Edge, Chavo Guerrero, Vickie Guerrero, and Bam Neely hang out backstage and laugh in a maniacal fashion. What they do have up their sleeves? Most likely arms. Keep cool, Big Show and Finlay. - In their second instructional video, Ken Doane and Johnny Jeter teach viewers how to fight back against the most powerful enemies -- kindergarteners. To prepare, The Cobras paint fences, smooth out patio decks, and wash vintage cars before their playground battle against a entire class of five-year-olds. By the end of the segment, young children are down on the ground, bloodied and battered. Doane mentions that The Cobras are here to stay. Johnny Jeter agrees, then tells the kids to not drink from unmarked bottles found under the sink. I love you. - Maria interviews the Big Show about his upcoming tag match. Hornswoggle stares up at Show in awe as Finlay smacks the end of his shillelagh against the palm of his hand. Big Show tells La Familia to bring along Bam Neely because he enjoys the company of people with names that rhyme with Cam Neely. Who doesn't?
MATCH 3:
Edge and Chavo Guerrero defeat Finlay and the Big Show with interference from Bam Neely. At the conclusion of the match, Hornwoggle connects with the Tadpole Splash on Edge and Chavo. As Big Show picks both men up for the double chokeslam, Bam Neely interferes and strikes Show with the shillelagh. Finlay should stop bringing that shillelagh with him to matches. Honestly. This incident is the reason why I don't bring my chainsaw-throwing trebuchet with me to the grocery store. - Through video message, Shawn Michaels tells MVP that he will Superkick his way to the United States Championship. What do you plan to do, Shawn? Superkick the belt out of his hands? Actually, I would pay good money to see you Superkick the United States Championship from MVP's hands. Superkicks solve many global problems. Can you superkick global warming for me? - Umaga prepares for his match against Batista. How does a Samoan savage prepare? Not well.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Umaga and Batista wrestle to a double count out at ringside. Batista attempts to finish Umaga off with a Batista Bomb on the black mats, but Umaga escapes and takes him out with The Samoan Spike. Umaga walks up the ramp. The arena darkens. When the lights return, the Undertaker appears and chokes Umaga out with one hand. With Umaga in his grasp, he decides to shove him backwards to the waiting Batista. In turn, Batista wastes no time to clothesline The Samoan Bulldozer.
JUNE 27, 2008
- In the ring, Chavo Guerrero informs the crowd that Smackdown GM Vickie Guerrero has booked a match that will pit Hornswoggle against a member of La Familia. With great reluctance, Finlay and Hornswoggle walk to the ring and find out Hornswoggle's opponent. At this point, Chavo Guerrero introduces Hornswoggle to Bam Neely.
MATCH 1:
Bam Neely defeats Hornswoggle so the young boy who is actually a grown man can gain more sympathy from the audience. First, Bam Neely knocks down Finlay, then pins Hornswoggle with a single slam. Chavo and Neely embrace up the aisle. Sometimes, Mexican Warriors and associates of Mexican Warriors have to hug. - As they enter the backstage area, the Big Show ambushes Chavo and Neely. Chavo and Neely rush over to Vickie Guerrero's office. Vickie throws the Big Show out of the building. Well, she can't literally throw him because he's large, but she gets Smackdown security to escort him out of the arena. If she could throw him, I want to see that on DVD with the extras and everything. - Backstage once more, London and Kendrick confront Yang and Moore. London and Kendrick congratulate Yang and Moore on their win two weeks ago. In return, the latter team compliments the former team on their victory last week. The teams wish one another good luck in their match tonight, only for both teams to claim that they don't need any well-wishes. They don't need well-wishes? What am I going to do with these two flower bouquets?
MATCH 2:
Paul London and Brian Kendrick defeat Jimmy Wang Yang and Shannon Moore. Throughout the match, both teams attempt to win with a roll-up. As the match winds down, Kendrick goes to Plan B and uses Yang's standing moonsault against him. Look at those webs. By the way you two teams weaved them, they are tangled. - This episode of Night Khals features a roundtable discussion with The Great Khali, Vladimir Kozlov, and Jamie Noble. Khali and Vladimir criticize Jamie Noble's recent actions. In return, Jamie Noble tells them that they are responsible for his actions because their questionable conduct has driven him to madness. Khali tells Noble that he must be accountable for his behaviour. Vladimir chimes in to add that if the entire population was accountable for their actions, we would be living in a better world. Next, Jamie Noble slaps both men in their faces. This night will not end well for one tiny man.
MATCH 3:
The Great Khali and Vladimir Kozlov defeat Jamie Noble by being The Great Khali and Vladimir Kozlov. By releasing the Khali Vice Grip, Khali launches Noble in the air. On Noble's way down, Kozlov slams him on the mat with an inverted DDT. I present to you the civilized version of D-Generation X. - Shawn Michaels invites MVP to have a heart-to-heart chat in the ring. Montel Vontavious Porter emerges from the back with a lady on each arm and relays to Shawn that he doesn't have the time to talk. Porter bids farewell and tells HBK that he will see him at the Pay-Per-View. With Porter's back turned, Shawn follows him up the ramp, gains his attention, and nails another Superkick. I look forward to the day that Shawn Michaels can only execute the Superkick. On that day, I will finally be happy. - Edge shares a moment with Vickie in her office, which is ruined by Finlay. Father and son demand retribution. Vickie rewards Finlay's tenacity by throwing the father and the son out of the building. That's cold.
MATCH 4: Main Event
Umaga defeats Batista with the Samoan Drop. Seconds into the match, Umaga catches Batista off-guard with the Samoan Spike. For the remainder of the contest, Batista struggles to fight back. He eventually loses to the forceful, ethnic drop. - Ever so slowly, the Undertaker makes his dramatic entrance and waits in the corner of ring. With Umaga in the opposite corner, both wrestlers get ready to fight. As they are about to sprint full speed at each other, the Smackdown security team prevents them from touching. Umaga and the Undertaker battle through the crowd and connect with light punches to the head, but get forced apart. Go home again. If you are home, leave your house, then return to your house. It's Pay-Per-View time.
Current Feud Ratings: Undertaker vs. Umaga: 88% MVP vs. Shawn Michaels: 84% Paul London and Brian Kendrick vs. Jimmy Wang Yang and Shannon Moore: 59%
***
ECW
News: Stuff is happening.
Television Results:
JUNE 3, 2008
- To start off the first episode of SWE's ECW on Sci Fi, Disco Inferno debuts as the new General Manager of the show. He declares that an eight-man tournament will be held to determine the new ECW Champion. Disco puts his stamp on ECW by installing a mirror ball high above the ring. As the show goes to commercial, Disco dances all the way to the back. If Disco was not available in this fantasy world, you know that I would have hired Alex Wright. If you are not a fan of Disco Inferno or Alex Wright, I hate you so much right now. - Back from break, ECW's new play-by-play announcer Pope Todd Grisham blesses Disco Inferno and the fans of ECW. Next, the Pope Todd Grisham and new colour analyst Armando Alejandro Estrada introduce the first tournament bout: Tommy Dreamer versus Elijah Burke.
MATCH 1:
The returning Boogeyman defeats Mike Knox with a sit-down choke bomb. After the match, Boogeyman sets up a dinner table and eats his worms on a clean white plate. In Swerved Wrestling Entertainment, The Boogeyman must eat like a gentleman. For the sake of the children, use your worm fork, Boogert. - An elaborate video hypes the debut of a new wrestler. A dark figure eclipses the setting sun. Venezuela Bartholomew is ecstatic.
MATCH 2:
Shelton Benjamin defeats Stevie Richards with an inverted bulldog thingy. While Benjamin takes out his frustrations on Stevie Richards, Charlie Haas is living it up on RAW, making out with the elderly. In Charlie's opinion, the lips of an old woman tastes like an aged wine -- musky yet rich.
MATCH 3: Main Event - ECW Championship Tournament Quarter-Final Match
Tommy Dreamer defeats Elijah Burke with the Death Valley Driver. On this special occasion, Tommy Dreamer stops wearing black-t-shirts that promote upcoming Pay-Per-Views and begins to wear t-shirts that promote past films promoted by World Wrestling Entertainment. Dreamer wants you to watch Norbit. Have you ever made a really big mistake? Yes, you have. You haven't watched Norbit yet. Do it now.
JUNE 10, 2008
- The second installment of SWE's ECW on Sci Fi begins with GM Disco Inferno in the ring. He welcomes Matt Sydal to the show, the newest signee to the ECW brand. Before Sydal gets the chance to speak, Disco Inferno holds another disco dance party. Pope Todd Grisham blesses Disco for the second time. The arena audience stays alive.
MATCH 1:
Matt Sydal defeats Matt Striker with a double foot stomp from the top turnbuckle. Striker's gear is so tight that you can see his man bulge, a bodily feature decorated argyle style. Like Striker, I want my junk to be adorned in argyle. If my junk is dressed in argyle clothing, my junk will look like a disgraced former social studies teacher too. - Pope Todd Grisham interviews Kofi Kingston on his upcoming quarter-final match. Though Kofi does not know his opponent’s identity, he is optimistic to come out of the match looking like Beenie Man. In that case, Kofi is an automatic winner.
MATCH 2:
Shelton Benjamin defeats Nunzio with an inverted bulldog thingy again. While Benjamin takes out his frustrations on Nunzio, Charlie Haas is living it up on RAW, watching Vince McMahon clumsily dial numbers on a telephone with extra large buttons. In Charlie's opinion, Vince McMahon's telephone skills are amusing. - The dark figure returns (in a video). In two weeks, ECW is about to get a whole lot more Samoan. Can ECW get any more Samoan than Colin Delaney? Only television can tell through moving pictures.
MATCH 3: Main Event - ECW Championship Tournament Quarter-Final Match
John Morrison defeats Kane via evil plan. The Palace of Wisdom is a Palace of Fraud. At the conclusion of the match, The Miz shows up to distract Kane. Morrison guillotines his opponent on the top rope and finishes him off with the Moonlight Drive. Morrison rejoices and skips up the ramp as if he was on mushrooms. He sees some guy in a hat. That's crazy.
JUNE 17, 2008
MATCH 1:
Big Daddy V defeats Matt Sydal with a splash. His ample breasticles flop around and knock the first ten rows unconscious. Matt Striker celebrates V's win by hanging from one of the man's breasticles and ringing Big Daddy V like a town square bell. Hear ye, hear ye, yonder on the farmhouses. Glorious. - Matt Sydal is treated by that doctor that shows up on television with the white gloves and the creepy, high-pitched voice. No, that man is not Michael Cole. Kelly Kelly walks into the room and asks if Sydal will be all right. Sydal says, "Hey, I used to be a male model" Kelly says, "Hey, I used to be horrible at everything." True, true. - Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin knock on the door to Disco Inferno's office. Both men argue that they deserve better, but Disco can't hear them because he is playing his groovy records too loud. As Burke and Benjamin try to destroy the record on the turntable, Disco Inferno stops them. He assures the two men that they will get their shot. Burke and Benjamin walk off mad, shouting that Disco needs to switch to MP3s. Disco doesn't know what that means.
MATCH 2:
Elijah Burke and Shelton Benjamin defeat the mighty Nunzio and Stevie Richards. They raise their arms to the fans dismay, then argue with people at ringside as they head backstage. - A video montage declares that a certain Samoan someone will debut next week. No, it's not Colin Delaney. He's already in ECW. What a non-Samoan fool, you are.
MATCH 3: Main Event - ECW Championship Tournament Quarter-Final Match
AJ Styles (ECW debut) defeats Kofi Kingston with the Styles Clash. AJ Styles has come to SWE to get away from the people at Universal Studios. Specifically, Mike Tenay was a pain because he always wants to ride The Incredible Hulk Coaster. If you say no to Mike, he gets mad, he gets green, and he rips his attire, except for his underwear. You won't like Mike Tenay when you see him in green and in his underwear. As the show goes off the air, Styles helps Kofi up and they shake hands as a sign of respect. Kofi says, "Welcome to SWE. Jerry Lawler wants to hear from you about the excitement that one can find on the Jurassic Park River Adventure.” Nuts.
JUNE 24, 2008
- Mike Knox opens the show by predicting that he will defeat The Boogeyman. I don't think you will, Mike Knox. I sense that you are a poor psychic.
MATCH 1:
The Boogeyman defeats Mike Knox with the sit-down choke bomb. Seeing dudes defeat Mike Knox is a lot of fun. Do you know those crane games that let you play until you win? I like to think that defeating Mike Knox provides similar satisfaction. - Matt Sydal sucks it up for a match against Big Daddy V and Matt Striker. Kelly Kelly approaches him and wonders if he needs any help to get to the ring. Matt Sydal assures Kelly that he will be fine. Matt Sydal is not going to live.
MATCH 2:
Big Daddy V and Matt Striker defeat Matt Sydal in a handicap match. Sydal succumbs to the Big Daddy V splash for the second time. Backstage, Kelly Kelly looks concerned for the former male model. Former male models have immaculate but brittle bones. - In the ring, The Miz calls out his mystery opponent for the ECW Championship Tournament. He runs down some names of possible opponents. Could it be? Essa Rios up in this mother? As he continues to ponder the list, his opponent arrives. Samoan Joseph is here.
MATCH 3: Main Event - ECW Championship Tournament Quarter-Final Match
Samoa Joe (ECW debut) defeats The Miz with the Coquina Clutch. In a one minute match, Joe destroys The Miz with kicks, chops, and a brutal submission move. John Morrison appears on the ramp to help his friend, but decides that The Miz will be fine and backtracks. Samoa Joe poses in the ring to end the show.
Current Feud Ratings: Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles: 86%
***
SWE Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist Pay-Per-View Results
Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist brings in the cheddar. I would sing the song that Vince uses for the Million Dollar Giveaway, which was once Donald Trump's theme, but I don't recall how it goes. That song is too complicated.
SWE CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
William Regal defeats Triple H with the Regal Stretch. At the start of the bout, the referee confiscates Regal's brass knuckles. In the end, Paul Burchill factors into the match and hands Regal another pair of brass knuckles. Regal escapes the Pedigree, then takes Hunter out. The British National Anthem plays as Regal cries with joy.
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Undertaker defeats Umaga with the Tombstone. After the pinfall, Umaga rises to his feet and eats a second piledriver. After a third piledriver, Umaga gets up and gives Undertaker the Spike.
SWE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE MATCH
Mr. Kennedy defeats CM Punk with the Mic Check. Kennedy flees with the Intercontinental belt before CM Punk can regain his bearings.
SWE UNITED STATES TITLE MATCH
MVP defeats Shawn Michaels via overturned decision. Minutes before the finish, Shawn Michaels accidentally superkicks the referee. While Michaels wins the match with a Superkick on MVP, the victory is given to Porter by Smackdown GM Vickie Guerrero. Since Shawn attacked an authority figure in a reckless fashion, Shawn loses the match. An irate HBK takes out the second ref with the Superkick.
SWE WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Natalya defeats Mickie James via submission with the Sharpshooter. Natalya keeps the Sharpshooter on Mickie until the referee hands her the title. Mesmerized by the golden goodness, Natalya breaks the hold and wears the belt... down there.
ECW CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT SEMIFINAL MATCH
AJ Styles defeats John Morrison with the Spinal Tap. The Miz' attempt to interfere with a chair backfires, which allows Styles to kick Morrison in the head with the Pelé, then climb up top for the finisher.
ECW CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT SEMIFINAL MATCH
Samoa Joe defeats Tommy Dreamer with the Muscle Buster. Dreamer tries to bring weapons into the ring, but Joe cuts him off to win.
ECW CHAMPIONSHIP TOURNAMENT FINALS MATCH
Samoa Joe defeats AJ Styles with the Muscle Buster. With Styles standing on the top turnbuckle for the Spinal Tap, Joe jumps to his feet, crotches his opponent on the turnbuckle, then executes his finisher.
***
NEXT TIME
Will Triple H get his revenge? When will The Cobras strike? When will Jamie Noble learn? Important questions like these and more will be answered in the next edition of The Booker.
In the past few weeks, Vince McMahon's unsuccessful Million Dollar Mania has proven that the chairman of WWE is a whole new kind of crazy. At his age, Vince needs a combination of a straitjacket, a hug, and a punch in the face. If you somehow become as crazy as Vince McMahon, give your one million dollars to Vince to calm him down. With the million, he will not do anything crazy. He just wants to build a rocket ship for iguanas out of stardust.
***
Rick Astley vs. Rick Astley
When Vince goes batcrap insane Tune in to RAW on Mondays You knew he wants you to view Don't make him show his ass again
Make him stop with the calling His ratings aren't even falling A truth I just can't falsify He's not really learning It's not really working He probably needs another try
Rick Astley forever with telephone swerves Rick Astley forever with you Vince can't get the reference He's too out of touch Rick Astley songs up your wazoos
The Question: Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
We'll learn from the good book.
AND
I took my love down to Violet Hill. There we sat in snow.
When I look in the mirror, I see a one-of-a-kind work of art. During Chris Masters' run with WWE as "The Masterpiece," I wondered whether or not the company was on crazy pills because masterpieces are not glistening muscly men who utilize padlock puns for their own amusement. In my view, masterpieces are objects or individuals that visually inspire awe and admiration. While I am not saying that I am the only masterpiece in the world, I will admit that black-masked crooks are currently attempting to pass through an intricate, red laser security system and a series of soft, velvet ropes to steal me. Of course, action movies have taught us that red laser beams are no match for agile thieves, but I'm hoping that the texture of those velvet ropes will distract them from the heist. They will never believe the softness of those velvet ropes. No one does.
Unlike myself, some of WWE's brightest superstars of yesterday, today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, the day before yesterday, the day two weeks removed from the day before yesterday, and Christmas are not one of a kind. To mine eye, they are mere doppelgangers and impersonators to other notable celebrities of our time. Which celebrities do these fellows resemble? If I wanted to be jerk about this whole situation, I wouldn't tell you, but I'm not a jerk. I'm a one-of-a-kind work of art. Do you see how that works? Whatever the case may be, let The Swerved present to you professional wrestlers who are two of a kind.
Minnesota Twins first baseman Justin Morneau and John Cena
The sport of baseball is known as America's Pastime, next to the sport of suing everyone who brushes by you and being fat. In 2008, the act of watching World Wrestling Entertainment and professional wrestling in general have emerged as America's newest pastime, besides starring in a reality show and committing unapologetic adultery. Like WWE, the Minnesota Twins -- a well-respected contender from the American League's Central Division -- boasts an impressive roster of talented athletes who can hit baseballs, catch baseballs, and mostly important play with their own baseballs to the cheers of stadium crowds. In particular, powerhouse first basemen Justin Morneau wows Major League Baseball fans with double-decker home runs aplenty. Moreover, Justin Morneau wows The Swerved with his ability to look like former five-bazillion-time WWE Champion John Cena.
Watching a Twins game can be a challenging endeavour for Justin Morneau appears to be John Cena's twin. Conversely, the act of watching RAW is difficult because John Cena appears to be Justin Morneau's twin. While Justin Morneau hails from western Canada, any wrestling fan knows that John Cena comes from West Newbury, Massachusetts. Judging from Cena's video for the song "Right Now," the citizens of West Newbury are allowed to wrestle their buddies in a shirtless state on green grass, which is a no-go in Canada. If Morneau were to wrestle another guy on Canadian grass without a shirt, he would be given a shirt, forced to put on that shirt, forced to level the green grass on which he chose to wrestle, then thrown out of the country for messing up the grass. In other words, Morneau and Cena come from different parts of the continent, but why haven't I seen them in the same room? Have you ever seen both men in one place at one time? If you say you have, you are a liar. Also, you are a magical fairy in a tutu for no good reason. Thanks for nothing, deceptive twinkletoes.
San Diego Padres pitcher Greg Maddux and Finlay
San Diego Padre Greg Maddux -- a former Chicago Cub, Atlanta Brave, and Los Angeles Dodger -- is a legendary hurler with a guaranteed spot in the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame. As of this writing, Maddux has won 350 games and holds a career 3.12 earned run average. Some have deemed him one of the greatest pitchers of the 90s. Many have claimed him to be one of the best of our generation. If you are a baseball fan, Greg Maddux is a household name. In fact, he is such a household name that he is sitting on your living room couch right now. You better get the man some Gummi bears before he starts something. To me, Greg Maddux is a fantastic player, or is that Finlay? Me so confused.
If you put photos of Greg Maddux and Fit Finlay side by side, you get dizzy. Whenever I think of getting tripped out on the acidic substances, I look at pictures of Maddux and Finlay instead. Which one is the pitcher? Which one is the professional wrestler? Time and time again, I will take a glance at Smackdown and find an Irish-looking Greg Maddux taking out his opponents with a shillelagh. On this side of the border, I do not receive ESPN, but I am going to assume that the actual Greg Maddux refrains from striking out batters with a 90-mile-per-hour shillelagh. Furthermore, I guess the real Greg Maddux doesn't have a leprechaun who is skilled in the art of super soaking for a son. Actually, if you told me that he does, I would be even more impressed because super soaking does not seem to run in his family. In the end, his name is Finlay or Maddux and he likes to fight or pitch.
Ben Folds of Ben Folds and Ben Folds Five fame and Hardcore Holly
For the benefit of the young ones on the web who listen to nothing but a wooden spot banging against a pot, Ben Folds is a critically acclaimed singer-songwriter and the former frontman of the trio known as Ben Folds Five. Until my thirteenth birthday, Ben Folds Five was the band that provided the soundtrack to my life story. Back then, I called my life story "Triple H: The King of Kings; There Can Only Be One," which was a strange title at the time, but I picked it anyway because it represented the person I used to be in an accurate and honest manner. After thirteen, I switched over to better bands like Ace of Base to learn how to see signs. Nevertheless, Ben Folds and Ben Folds Five were my dawgs and might still be my dawgs. By visual association, Bob "Hardcore" Holly is my dawg for looking like Ben Folds. Put Holly in front of the piano, dye what little hair he has left back to his original hair colour, make him somewhat civil and you will have a dead or alive ringer for the folded one.
However, I doubt Hardcore Holly would pen melodic songs about abortion. Then again, I don't know Hardcore Holly as a person. For all I know, he could be named "Hardcore" for his hardcore devotion to book restoration. Forget his radical transformation from a nobody in the J.O.B. Squad to a somebody in the late 90s via WWF's Hardcore Division. Let Holly restore those books. On RAW, a week does not pass without Hardcore Holly looking angry. Do you know why Hardcore Holly is so angry? He found out your shelf is full of mangled books. You have a tattered paperback copy of He's Just Not That Into You and you don't want to restore that classic? For shame.
Former WWE and World Heavyweight Champion Randy Orton and Ted DiBiase Jr.
Before I compare little Tedward to young Randall, I want to send a message to the fine people of World Wrestling Entertainment. Listen up, McMahons and the employees stuck up your various holes: I'm not going to think less of Ted DiBiase Jr. if you let him keep the junior title. Just because you take the junior away from his name does not mean that he has become automatically better. Rey Mysterio is no greater than Rey Mysterio Jr. Chavo Guerrero is not a significant improvement over Chavo Guerrero Jr. In fact, Chavo Guerrero is worse than Chavo Guerrero Jr. How did that happen? For the sake of juniors everywhere, let me assure you that the junior title does not equal inferiority. Isn't that right, WWE Junior? Great. Cool beans.
Without witnessing the man wrestle a single match on WWE television, I think Ted DiBiase II shows promise. For one, his mouth is not full of marbles. For two, he looks like he cares whenever he talks on the ramp. On the flipside, Ted DiBiase II does not resemble his wealthy father as much as he appears to be Randy Orton's son. Perhaps Ted and Randy have similar haircuts. Perhaps they have identical bone structure. All I know is that Ted is Randy and Randy is Ted. I am well aware that Randy Orton is not old enough to father Ted DiBiase II, though with modern technology these days, I would not be surprised if he was “The Baby Daddy.” If you told me that I had an eighty-year-old daughter, the news would not shock me either. You see, I have powerful swimmers that can impregnate ladies from past and present generations, women from overseas continents, and female aliens from outer space. When you are a celebrated professional wrestling analyst like myself, the world is your sex oyster.
P.O.D. lead singer Sonny Sandoval and Bret Hart
San Diego, Californian nu metal band P.O.D. (Potatoes on Dialysis) features singer and rapper Sonny Sandoval on lead vocals. With Sonny, P.O.D. has succeeded in the music business as a mutli-platinum act loved by millions of fans around the planet. Together, the band have lent their talents to hit tunes such as "Youth of a Nation," "Boom," and Rey Mysterio's "Booyaka 619," the theme which they performed on top of fake Chicago skyscrapers at WrestleMania 22. One day, The Swerved hopes to author popular articles from fake Chicago skyscrapers. When Americans talk about the American Dream, I believe that they are talking about doing stuff on top of fake Chicago skyscrapers. What else would they desire?
In the past, I mentioned that P.O.D. singer Sonny Sandoval is the love child of Matt Hardy and Bret "The Hitman" Hart. Since that time, I have determined through costly scientific testing that Matt Hardy and Bret Hart cannot procreate because they are both guys. With that theory debunked, I now declare that Sonny Sandoval of P.O.D. (Pennsylvanian Ornery Dieticians) is Bret Hart's look-alike. Whether he is Bret's twin or clone is unknown. Although, I can tell you that both Sonny Sandoval and Bret Hart prefer dark clothing. Think about that fact. Think about that fact forever. Plus, the instance that I catch Sonny put someone in the Sharpshooter or Bret Hart rap-rocking it up, I'll make sure to call you first.
Sam the Eagle from The Muppet Show and Vladimir Kozlov
As a stern lecturer on all matters upright and appropriate, Frank Oz' Sam the Eagle is a moral muppet. Unlike that beloved green nincompoop Kermit the Frog, Sam the Eagle stands for decency, demands excellence, and bleeds patriotism. He is a bald eagle because he feels that hair corrupts the sanctity of the scalp. He sports a unibrow because he believes that a parted brow suggests a parted nation. Out of the entire muppet clan, Sam the Eagle is an American hero. When I grow up to be a muppet, I plan to model myself after Sam the Eagle. The process of turning my body into an eagle of foam and fleece will take decades to complete, but I am willing to go through the procedure if I am able to right the ways of the Swedish Chef. Bork, bork, bork yourself in private, you pervert. To be honest, don't bork yourself at all.
Like Sam the Eagle, Russian big man wrestler Vladimir Kozlov seeks to bring honour and respect to World Wrestling Entertainment programming. If you followed Vladimir's first introduction to television audiences, you know that Vladimir loved WWE. If you want to know why Vladimir does not love WWE anymore, look no further than Friday Night Smackdown. Every week, performers commit immoral acts without suffering negative consequences. In Kozlov's mind, Friday Night Smackdown is a night for anarchy. Yes, Edge and La Familia are up to no good, but that dastardly Funaki is always up to shenanigans as well. Without the aid of entrance music and with the aid of a spotlight and shimmering white tights, Vladimir Kozlov longs to continue Sam the Eagle's quest to better our world. Get that dastardly Funaki, man. Get him.
Additionally, Kozlov wants to look like a muppet. Mission accomplished ten times over, don't you think?
If you think WWE Champion Triple H only looks out for himself, you are wrong, wrong, wrong. Triple H helps others every day, except you don't know about it because he helps others in his mind. In the dark caves of his cranial cavity, Triple H is The Cerebral Assister, assisting the human race whenever he is needed. Bless you, Hunter. As long as you think about helping others, you're good people.
***
Can you solve... anything?
Note: Letters can be used again because letters don't go on trees.
*****
NEXT WEEK
I guess we should fight for the title now or something.
AND
Well, you actually have excellent bone structure there.
Oh, readers of this site. Do I have news for you. Well, do I have news for you? To answer my own question, yes I do have news. If I didn't have news, what kind of person would I be? A non-news-telling guy? As some of you know, I am many things, but a non-news-telling guy is not one of them. Whatever you believe I am, the news I have for you is a doozy and a third. You might not like this news. On second thought, you might dislike this news very much. Without going into significant detail, I am about to tell you this news before this news becomes old news and therefore not news at all.
Extra, extra. Hear all about it. I think I'm falling out of love with you.
Don't go crazy now. Don't say things you might regret. Please refrain from calling me Y2Cheap for you know that is the absolute worst name to call another human being. While I'm not in love with you anymore, I still love you and will always love you. With those kind words, you fail to satisfy my needs as a professional wrestling analyst of hilarious proportions. You watch RAW every week, despite the fact that you are witnessing the same old matches and feuds again and again. You claim that Jeff Hardy versus Umaga is an entertaining rivalry when it is obviously played out. This past Friday, you watched Smackdown and cheered Jimmy Kimmel Live's Cousin Sal in his bout against Santino Marella. Do you have any idea who Cousin Sal is? No, you don't. If you knew anything about Jimmy Kimmel's mediocre talk show, you'd know that Cousin Sal is annoying and Guillermo the parking lot attendant is the only one who brings the funny. Most of all, you have horrible taste in wrestling-related music. For the thousandth time, I don't want to listen to tunes featuring tone-deaf guys who scream like the Cookie Monster. From this point forward, I can't act as though you are an intelligent wrestling fan. I just can't. This charade needs to stop.
Now, I wasn't going to reveal this bit to you, though I feel that the cat is already out of the cat bag. You see, I've met somebody else. She's a classy bartender who dances to creative hip hop remixes of today's catchiest dance music. Unlike you and your black t-shirt-wearing self, she knows what sounds good. In the history of my life, I have attracted all kinds of ladies. The other day, the Statue of Liberty boarded a plane somehow, found out where I live, knocked on my door, and tried to liberate my statue. I could write a book about all my former lady friends, but this one is special. I would write an entire encyclopedia for her, then put it online somewhere because nobody reads encyclopedias in this internet-savvy world.
Between you and I, maybe we'll get back together somebody. Once you realize the error of your stupid, stupid ways, maybe I can forgive you for liking Rev Theory, Jerry Lawler's favourite band until the next sound-alike comes along to provide the soundtrack for a future WWE Pay-Per-View. Until that time comes, let me be happy. Let me live my life. Let me get down on one knee, take out a small black box, and ask my new squeeze to take a listen to WWE: The Music, Vol. 8. Before I pop the big question, I must determine whether or not the latest installment of the World Wrestling Entertainment entrance theme compilation series is worthy of her aural attention.
This week on The Swerved, it's listening time, folks.
WWE: The Music, Vol. 8
The eighth installment of WWE: The Music was released in late March of this year. Since I am a fantastic internet celebrity, this album was handed to me on some sort of platter that is silver in composition and colour. Thank you for giving me WWE: The Music, Vol. 8 on a fancy dish that is usually reserved for red telephones, fellow internet person. For your selfless deed, I give you positive karma in return. Go easy on that karma, guy. You could put your eye out with that thing.
Ratings for each song are based on listenability, originality, and relevance to the wrestler's gimmick.
1. Jeff Hardy EndeverafteR - "No More Words"
When I see a band name like EndeverafteR, a name which uses capital letters where capital letters should not be used, I prepare myself for the worst. Upon first glance, band names such as EndeverafteR may appear interesting on paper, but then you realize that capitalizing the last letter of a band name makes it look as though somebody forgot to take his or her finger off the caps lock key, or someone believes that capitalizing the last letter of the name makes the band seem automatically edgy. While I do not like the band name, the song is not bad. EndeverafteR's "No More Words" is not as recognizable as Jeff Hardy's previous theme, but I can live with it. I find the song inoffensive in the same way that I find Jack Korpela's WWE updates inoffensive. Jack Korpela's job is to be a tool. The job of Jeff Hardy's contribution to the album is to start off WWE: The Music, Vol. 8 with a bang. Both Jack Korpela and EndeverafteR's "No More Words" do their jobs well.
In this hard-rocking tune, EndeverafteR begins with the line, "I got a chopstick. I keep it in my pocket." No, you did not incorrectly read that line. EndeverafteR's "No More Words" starts with the line, "I got a chopstick. I keep it in my pocket." For one, I love chopsticks. For two, I love chopsticks kept in pockets in a secure fashion. How can you not love a chopstick kept in a pocket? If you don't love a chopstick kept in a pocket, you are a fool from Foolington Gardens. If you wish to get to the meat of the song, listen to the chorus and you might enjoy it. In all, I don't think Jeff Hardy's song is a great entrance theme, but I don't hate it. The number of things and people I hate in this world are numerous. To declare for the second time, I don't hate "No More Words." GooD JoB EndeverafteR.
Sounds Like: - An optimistic anime theme about fighting, succeeding, and doing the right thing to get to the top - The soundtrack to extreme snowboarding footage - A superior version to whatever Jeff Hardy's band Peroxwhy?gen calls music
Rating: **1/2
2. Kofi Kingston Collie Buddz - "SOS"
Mike Adamle's favourite wrestler who makes him crazy based on nationality alone debuts on WWE: the Music, Vol. 8 to add some reggae flavour to the mix. In the past, I mentioned how much I enjoy "SOS" for it delivers the characteristics I look for most in a wrestling theme. For those of you who have been following this site since the beginning, you will not be surprised when I claim that I like my themes distinct, unique, and catchy. While Collie Buddz' "SOS" is no New World Order, the tune is one I can listen to away from the WWE screen, which is a statement I cannot apply to many entrance themes.
In comparison, do you want to put Cody Rhodes' theme on your iPod? How about Paul Burchill’s song? How about the themes of two-thirds of the talent pool? Because "SOS" is unlike any other theme in WWE, Kofi stands out. Part of the reason why I paid attention to Kofi in the first place was for this song. In my view, the song succeeds because it doesn't make my ears bleed and helps me buy into his character. To get in my good graces, Collie Buddz' "SOS" is aware that you should not attempt to stab sharp needs directly into my ear canals on our first meeting. I for one appreciate the song's courtesy.
Sounds Like: - A Jamaican robot with a cold - Shaggy after eating a very sour lemon - Drumsticks on a washer-dryer in place of a steel drum
Rating: ****1/2
3. Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon "Glamazon"
Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon has a magical theme, straight out of some sort of story about wizards and warlocks. After listening to Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon's "Glamazon," I think that Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon has fitting music for her gimmick. With the first note, you know that Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon will be appearing because no other diva or superstar has this kind of entrance. Whenever I hear Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon's "Glamazon," I envision myself wandering through a fantastical forest, searching for treasure, truth, and friendship. In other words, Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon's "Glamazon," is a theme which takes me to the mysterious land of Kentucky. He who dares to enter the land of Kentucky may never make it out alive, what with the fire-breathing dragons and all. To tell you the truth, I've never been to Kentucky, but I am assuming that it is fairly mythological, much like the fantasy world of Oregon.
Aside from Jillian Hall, Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon is the diva with the most recognizable entrance theme. If you think Triple H is coming out to Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon's "Glamazon," you are unfortunately wrong. Man, what I would give to see Triple H skip down to the ring to this song. I would probably give a lot.
Sounds Like: - Mythical techno - Rock pan flute - The theme to an 80s cartoon show about ninjas stuck in Medieval Times
Rating: ***1/2
4. Mark Henry Heet Mob - "The Wall"
As far as rap and hip hop music goes, I prefer my tunage to be high energy, club bangers. Songs from this genre must rock the party. Furthermore, these songs must rock the body. If the roof is not on fire by the end of the song, the music fails, leaving the party with an uncooked ceiling. For just over three minutes, Heet Mob speaks of the strength of "The Wall," a supposed metaphor for Mark Henry’s awesome power. Are you sure, Heet Mob? Are you talking about Mark Henry, or do you just really like walls? For instance, I enjoy carpeting. When I write a song about it, I will be upfront about my carpet love. Why do you have to hide your love for walls behind a theme for Mark Henry? Don’t be ashamed.
With this bass-heavy, lumbering theme, Heet Mob sell a tune that I have no interest in buying. Sure, the chorus is somewhat memorable, though the chorus does not make up the entire song. Although they attempt to rap in an aggressive manner, I don't feel it one bit.
Quite possibly, I may be the only one who misses Three 6 Mafia's take on the Mark Henry theme with their song entitled, "Some Bodies Gonna Get It.” Am I the only sane individual on this planet? Somebody's gon' get their wig split. The promising of wig splitting is much more exciting than two dudes praising a wall. For your information, gentleman, you can't simply praise one wall. You have to praise four walls. Man, what kind of wall praisers are you? Without the other three walls, the foundation will be weak and your building will crumble. Don't you know that?
Sounds Like: - A bonus track from the 1996 film Space Jam, starring NBA legend Michael Jordan - A poor man's Wu Tang Clan - Two teenage boys from Orange County, California, rapping in an industrial warehouse when they should be painting my fence instead
Rating: **
5. Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder Disciple - "In The Middle Of It Now"
Ow, ow, ow. This song is something else. I'm not sure how Disciple's "In The Middle Of It Now" did it, but they managed to destroy my ear drums, then repair those same ear drums in a way that allows me to hear nothing but terrible music. Unless I am mistaken, this rap-rock hybrid music was first popularized by Limp Bizkit's Fred Durst, my best friend and yours. As of late, I thought my ears had the privilege of not hearing any music from this genre ever again. Sadly, Disciple shows up to ruin my good time. If you're hankering for four minutes of yelling about topics like not taking nothing from nobody and poor bathroom decor, this is the song that will tide you over for the day.
Now that I think of them, I've watched Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder on Smackdown for several months, yet I continue to know nothing about them. When they joined up with Edge, I was under the impression that they would be given unique gimmicks to play around with in order to sculpt two distinctive personalities. Since they proceed to be nobodies on Friday nights, I will assume that they have no personalities whatsoever. During their first promo with Edge, either Curt Hawkins or Zack Ryder claimed that they loved long walks on the beach. Yes, long walks on the beach is a tired joke, but I'm guessing beach sand is more intriguing than both wrestlers combined. Go away Hawkins and Ryder. Can't I watch some beach sand for once?
Sounds Like: - Rage Against The Machine throwing up - A rebellious seven-year-old skateboarder who means serious business - Background music in a paintball arena
Rating: *
6. Jillian Hall "Sliced Bread"
Before I cup my ears to this little ditty, let me remind you of a time when former WWE superstar Daivari joined Jillian Hall in the rousing duet of "Summer Lovin'." Although the audience reacted to the one-time performance with loud booing, I saw dollar signs. Two incredible talents like Daivari and Jillian could have made it big in the company and in Hollywood. They could have starred in a Bollywood-type romance in which Jillian played a small-town girl who travelled to the Middle East in search of adventure, only to fall into the arms of strapping young Daivari. As the film moved along, Daivari's parents would disapprove of Jillian, though that would not stop the two from running away together, hiding behind trees in a flirtatious manner for the rest of their lives. Another brilliant idea wasted. Have fun with your lack of viewers, Stamfordians.
In this radio-friendly dance song, Jillian specifies that she is the best thing since an entire loaf of sliced bread. Therefore, Jillian's "Sliced Bread" gains double the points in some non-existent game I made up seconds ago. In this day and age, references to actual amounts of sliced bread are a rare find. For example, you never hear Beyoncé boast about her quarter loaves. If modern artists could find the creativity within themselves to include the quantity of sliced bread to which they are equal to or greater than in their music, the world would be a better place. In conclusion, Jillian's "Sliced Bread" proves that the success of her "Jinglin' with Jillian" Christmas album was not a fluke. Yes, Jillian may not be the WWE Women's Champion as of this writing, but to me, Jillian is the ultimate pop princess.
Sounds Like: - A prepubescent Britney Spears - Jessica Simpson with a set of nose plugs - A melodious Lilian Garcia (Oh, snap, crackle and or pop, Lilian Garcia. That's right. I said it. Rice Krispies all up in your bowl, miss.)
Rating: ***1/2
7. Mr. McMahon Theory of a Deadman - "No Chance In Hell"
If you enjoy the gargles of Nickelback, you will discover that Theory of a Deadman is your bag of tea. Dig in to that bag of tea, fellows. With WWE, you can tell what renditions the company admires. Once you see the theme used on a permanent basis on television, you have yourself the sports entertainment stamp of approval. Until I see Theory of a Deadman's "No Chance In Hell" replace Vince McMahon's current version, my theory is that this deadman should stay dead.
Personal bias aside, Theory of a Deadman's version is not so much a re-imagining of the Mr. McMahon theme as it is an almost note-for-note cover with some macho vocal posing sprinkled on top. For the fake tough guys in the land of the web that is worldwide, get your Affliction shirts ready because when this theme blasts in your 4X4, you better be rocking out or drinking a beer or holding a boulder above your head with a stained expression on your face. If you don't, you are probably some sort of regular person. Who wants to be a regular person? Do you? What a nerd.
Sounds Like: - Nickelback having intimate relations with Nickelback - Metallica's James Hetfield with a mouthful of gravel - A manlier Cher
Rating: **
8. ECW Saliva with Brent Smith from Shinedown - "Don't Question My Heart"
In a nutshell, this is a Saliva song. If you've heard Saliva, you are aware of the Salivan sound. Does the theme fit Extreme Championship Wrestling on the Sci-Fi Channel? Absolutely. With brand's current state, any song would be perfect for ECW. Because Heat has gone the way of the Tiger Ali Singh, ECW has taken its place as the show that five people and their pet hamster watch. You could get Barry Manilow to sing the ECW theme and it wouldn't matter. Go ahead. Give Barry Manilow a shot. Well, you came and gave me Mike Knox matches. But I don't want to watch you, ECW.
Judging from the song title, Saliva seems pretty insecure about people questioning their heart. If you ask me, I'm not sure how Brent Smith from Shinedown feels about public doubt concerning the most important organ in Saliva's body. From the start, the fact that Saliva tries to deter the listening audience from questioning their heart brings up a red flag for me. Until I read the title, I was not going to pose any questions to Saliva’s heart. Now that I have witnessed Saliva‘s anxious behaviour before me, do I have reason to question their heart? What's your heart trying to say, Saliva? Does your heart speak of radical views concerning national health care, the government, and the children of our future? I'm not so crazy about Saliva's heart already. Look what you've done, Saliva and Saliva's heart. Maybe Brent Smith from Shinedown wants others to question your heart, yet you've gone and shut down the Q & A session without consulting him first. Don't tell me what and what not to question. I'm a person. I have rights. I'll question any organ I please. What the hell is wrong with you, gallbladder? Why are you so smug? You've got some gall, gallbladder. I'll give you that much.
Sounds Like: - An on-par Puddle of Mudd - A sub-par Monster Magnet - Saliva without Brent Smith from Shinedown
Rating: **
9. Jesse & Festus "Biscuits & Gravy"
Jesse and Festus’ “Biscuits & Gravy” brings hope to this world. I have no other words.
To quench my thirst for knowledge, I have a query: how does biscuits and gravy make you a man exactly? Yesterday, I ate biscuits and gravy to become a man, except I ended up becoming an elderly Korean woman. The next time I see Jesse and Festus, they will have to inform me on useful biscuit and gravy methods so I can finally become a man. If I turn into a lizard for some reason, I will stop eating all types of biscuits and gravy.
Wait, does the theme state that I have to eat biscuits and gravy at the same time or biscuits before gravy? What about gravy before biscuits? Why are World Wrestling Entertainment themes so confusing? The themes of TNA are much simpler. They're all rip-offs. Easy as an Easy Bake Oven.
Sounds Like: - Biscuits - Gravy - Greatness
Rating: *****
10. Candice Michelle "What Love Is"
Poor Candice Michelle. On the World Wrestling Entertainment shelf with a broken clavicle, Candice’s professional wrestling career is in limbo. Of course, Candice can always fall back on her role as the GoDaddy.com spokesmodel who doesn't speak, but I still believe that she can make one last effective run in the women's division before she bows out. Despite what WWE thinks, Candice Michelle will never be Trish Stratus. Even so, Candice is clearly a hard-worker who is willing to do whatever it takes to improve in the ring and gain the respect of her peers and wrestling fans everywhere. If she does come back, "What Love Is" might be the perfect theme... for a coked up ballerina who can't find the bathroom at a 2 AM rave.
According to WWE, Candice Michelle's theme an energetic tune that supposedly pumps up arena audiences around the globe. If you kept World Wrestling Entertainment in a basement for thirty years, then set it free in the real world, "What Love Is" would be their definition of dance music. Some music man must have said, "People repeat things in dance music. People repeat things a whole bunch. Let's loop 'Raise your hands up' until the crowd cuts off their own hands so they don't have to raise them." On second thought, that man must have been Vince McMahon. Kudos, boss. Now I can't listen to Daft Punk anymore.
Sounds Like: - The soundtrack to a elementary school, talent show performance by four enthusiastic yet inept 5th grade girls - A stammering drag queen - A laser light show riot at your local planetarium
Rating: **
11. John Morrison "Ain't No Make Believe"
Morrison's "Ain't No Make Believe" has a psychedelic 60's vibe that conjures up thoughts of peace, love, and hedonistic living. If John Morrison was modeled after Jimi Hendrix, this theme would be perfect for him. Alas, John Morrison is modeled after The Doors' frontman Jim Morrison, so I don't understand the connection, other than the artists' affiliation with the same era. When I first heard the theme on ECW, I thought it was an appropriate one for the former ECW Champion, until I changed my mind. Since Morrison likes to spout nonsensical phrases, WWE could do a lot with John Morrison's music. They could add in John's pretentious poetry about suplexes and emus. Also, The Miz could show up and stress the importance of wearing stylish hats to the ring over not wearing stylish hats to the ring.
Let Morrison and The Miz perform spoken word dialogues for ten to twenty minutes and you will have yourself an absurd yet charming musical accompaniment to a hair-blowing entrance.
Sounds Like: - "Safe Style" Jimi Hendrix - An acid trip during a spin-the-bottle party featured on an after-school television special - What foreigners without American television believe current popular music to be
Rating: ***
12. Shelton Benjamin Axel - "Ain't No Stoppin' Me"
Ain't no stoppin' me from reviewin’ this song now. Extreme Championship Wrestling's Shelton Benjamin is floundering in a tiny sea of flounders. Week to week, ECW never fails to amaze me. If you are a WWE superstar and you desire to find yourself in purgatory, look no further than ECW. What a shame.
From the background beat alone, Axel's "Ain't No Stoppin' Me" sounds superior to the original. The beat is not innovative but recalls back to the underground hip hop beats you heard during the Lugz' Boot of the Night. Don't forget about the Lugz' Boot of the Night. During that span, the boots and nights were plenty. As of now, we have limited boots and nights to go around. Time flies by, no doubt.
Minor lyric changes to the verses and chorus improve the song as well. In several instances, Axel claims that he is "never gonna stop" and that he is "gonna give it to you." Good on him for his steadfast determination. I like the cut of his jib. Have a cookie, Axel. Ain't no stoppin' me from givin’ you what you deserve now.
Sounds Like: - A bootleg T.I. album you found at Value Village - Cam'ron in an intense gum-chewing session - Lyte. Funky. Ones. Gone. Gangsta.
Rating: ***1/2
13. Mr. Kennedy Airbourne - "Turn Up The Trouble"
If Mr. Kennedy's theme was up to me, he would have a pompous, orchestral theme, similar to Ric Flair or "The Macho Man" Randy Savage. Before every match, he would walk down to the ring in a tuxedo, then utilize his dangling microphone as a foreign object on unsuspecting opponents.
Back to reality, the original "Turn Up The Trouble" was neither pompous nor orchestral, but it got the job done in terms of relaying Mr. Kennedy's gimmick (saying things twice). In today's WWE, Mr. Kennedy is a face, recently dethroning William Regal, the former king of the company and the current king of pharmaceuticals. Airbourne's rendition of "Turn Up The Trouble" jazzes things up a notch with a fast-paced take on the familiar tune. Even though I would never listen to this song away from professional wrestling programming, Airbourne's version wakes me up from the slumber that the original gave me on Monday nights.
As Kennedy ascends to the top of the WWE ranks, let me know when he needs a new theme. In my closet, I have a forty-piece orchestra, still in its original package. You know my phone number: five-something-something, four-something-something-something.
Sounds Like: - An okay AC/DC cover band - A horrible AC/DC - A wannabe Stone Cold Steve Austin
Rating: **1/2
14. Chris Jericho Jim Johnston - "Break The Walls Down" (James Grundler Remix)
Can you hear me, Jebus? It's me, the number one professional wrestling analyst on the internet. Yes, you can have my autograph later. Anyway Lord, did you receive my message? Last week, I specifically mentioned that I wanted WWE: The Music, Vol. 8 to give me songs that I would like. Besides the three Wal-Mart exclusive bonus tracks, the James Grundler Remix for Chris Jericho's "Break The Walls Down" is the track which concludes the album. Lord, does WWE truly think that this rendition of "Break The Walls Down" is a worthy final song? The added guitars and violent vocals add little to the theme. As I hear the track, I guess James Grundler was bored in the studio and decided to add heaps of extra crap onto a song made out of solid gold.
Together, Jim Johnston and James Grundler turned "Break The Walls Down" into a monster. This version makes me angry, tainting my admiration for Jericho, one of my favourite wrestling personalities ever. Congratulations, boys. Does anyone have a mop or a rag? I need to clean off all this crap from this once excellent theme.
Sounds Like: - Death to your ears - A screwdriver to your crotch (for men and women) - I need to build some of those walls up again (Necessary Reconstruction Remix)
Rating: *
The Verdict: WWE: The Music, Vol. 8 might not be fair to my lady. Two out of five holes to heaven up in that midnight sky.
Can you solve word-turning letter puzzle problems, word-turning letter puzzle problem solver?
Note: Letters can be used again because the economy is in a dire state and we must conserve letters in order to stop global warming and keep my snowcone business afloat.
*****
NEXT WEEK
How are you doing? Good? That's great. How am I doing? I'm feeling pretty divaliciously extreme myself. Thanks for asking.
AND
If you listen to DMX, the baby comes out goin' "Unnngghhh!"
I am Stephen Rivera--a legal practitioner, a witch doctor, a level 40 elf, the vice president of the galaxy, and the president of something. I am the personal attorney of Mr. or Mrs. some sort of relative of yours who used to work with the International Take Naive People's Money Away and Laugh Out Loud from My Third World Country Company on the planet of Earth. Your male or female relative used to be my client. In the month of October in the year 2005, my client, his wife, his mistress, their only son, their only daughter, their only dog, their only other son or daugther or dog, and a fish were involved in a car-boating accident along some sort of dangerous highway or lake. Despite initial thoughts, all occupants of the unique vehicle unfortunately lost their lives in the accident for a car-boat is actually a flimsy structure of four wheels glued under a dinghy. The car-boat is made to work on land and at sea, yet it seems to not operate well on either. Since that time, I have made several enquiries to nobody to locate any of my client's extended relatives, but I'm too lazy. Give me your money now while I type from a clandestine internet cafe.
After several unsuccessful tries, I decided to track someone gullible over the internet. Therefore, I thought I would give you a try because you like wrestling. Because mainstream media has taught us that wrestling is for dum-dums, you are a dum-dum. You should be watching quality television instead, such as The Hills. Whatever the case, I have electronically messaged you to assist me in repartriating a sum valued at a look back at the second part of Randy Orton's Legend List, an amount left by whatever relative you haven't seen in a while. You must retrieve this fund before it gets confisicated, stolen, declared unserviceable, or declared unsexy by the The Swerved Firm, the site where this entertaining piece is held. The firm has given me clearance to provide the next of kin with a swindling, replacing this piece with a cornucopia of nothing within the next official one working hour if you do not act soon.
Since I am trying to ruin you over the web, I seek your permission to declare you as the next of kin to your male or female relative because you kind of look like that man or woman if I close my eyes, then envision a completely different person in my mind. If you agree, the total amount of this account can be given to you. After I attain your permission, we will talk about a method to transfer this fund over to you in the most sketchy way possible. To make this transfer happen, you will need to back up your claim as the next of kin. All I require from you is your cooperation, your life savings, your social security number, your credit card number, your area of residence, your workplace address, your family history, your family's social security numbers, your trust, your family's trust, and your life. I assure you that this scam will be executed under legitimate arrangement to protect you from being not scammed.
I can't wait to scam you.
Many thanks and best regards, The Swerved
***
In case you weren't aware, Randy Orton is set on killing legends at every opportunity. He has already cemented his legacy by RKOing such extraordinary superstars as "The Sarge" Sgt. Slaughter, "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair, "The Crippler" Chris Benoit, and "WWE Diva" Stacy Keibler. Some speculate that he is far from done. My recent discovery of his hit list only solidifies that notion; I will present it to you shortly.
(Stacy Keibler almost won Dancing with the Stars, a show in which one lucky celebrity can win obtain a tacky mirror ball stuck to a golf tee. She placed third in the competition, losing out to former NFL wide receiver Jerry Rice and former 98 Degrees member Drew Lachey. Even though she wasn't first, I give her credit. When you go up against somebody who used to be in 98 Degrees, you're in for the fight of your life. Hence, Stacy Keibler is not a legend, but a double legend.)
This young man is something else, let me tell you. So what if he is a third-generation superstar? Doesn't it matter to anyone that he's a first-generation, cold-blooded killer? Vince McMahon--what have you done? You’ve created a monster. The chills that run along my spine are not from excitement; they are from fright, terror, and the coldness that emanates from his victims' bodies. If this is sports entertainment, I don't want any part of it. No sir. If I have to stick with something, I'd rather stick with plain old wrestling. As scary as that sounds, I'm willing to try it out.
(When I'm alone at night in my solid gold shanty, the last thing I want to do is watch traditional professional wrestling. This year, watch out for horror films based on stupid teenagers getting strange phone calls from tradtional professional wrestling. They'll be all lathering up in the shower singing to themselves, then the phone will ring. They'll hurry out of the stall and answer the phone, only to witness two hairy, fat guys abdominal stretching each other for one hour straight. The moment they come across that sight and sound, they will die. Whatever, traditional professional wrestling. Where are the chairs? Where is the blood? Where is the partial male nudity that shows up on television for laughs, but is actually kind of creepy?)
Regardless, here is the second part of Randy Orton's Legend Hit List:
6. The Female Species
Females are wonderful. For one, they don't smell like garbage. Furthermore, mirrors don't melt when they look into them. Finally, a woman is like fine wine: you drink one from a glass and she filters through your body, eventually becoming urine. What's hotter than that?
(What's hotter than that? Absolutely ziltch, self from under three years ago. You hit the nail on the head, you drove that nail into that piece of wood, and then you took that wood and built yourself a fine habitat for humanity. Good work. Reward yourself with a meatball sub. You did the world a solid.)
That fact is what makes Randy Orton's plan so dastardly and devious.
He will destroy the female species by taking away their entire supply of sun tan lotion. Then, Randy will leave all women on Earth in the blistering summer heat for a considerable amount of time. A few hours later, they will be RKO'd simultaneously with the use of a complicated pulley and lever system which will consist of discounted Evolution t-shirts and wrist tape. While the fillies fry like bacon in the sun, Orton will lather the lotion on himself and roll around in a children's ball pit. He screams "Tee hee hee! I'm an earthworm!" with inconceivable delight.
(Dang, Randy. Why you gotta be like a earthworm? You already peed in a children's sandbox. Why does your lotion-y self have to roll around in a ball pit? Haven't you had enough satisfaction? Despite what you've heard in the public domain, at least Triple H doesn't roll around in a children's ball pit. He has better things to do, like wear luchadore masks with Shawn Michaels in Mexico to underhandedly mock the Mexican culture, which is rarely a bad time. Randall, Randall, Randall. No wonder why you'll never pin that man ever again.)
Unfortunately, he has a back-up plan too. If the first one somehow does not work, Randy will dress up as a doctor and build himself a mammography machine. He will invite women to his makeshift doctor's office for a free check-up. As they walk up to the mammography machine, Randy will RKO their left breast followed immediately by an RKO to their right breast. As he stares at his body of work, the mere shock of this event will incapacitate the females. This act will be heralded as the "Tit For Tattoo" medical procedure in the American Journal Of Medicine. He will scream with giddiness, "Tee hee hee! I'm an earthworm!" until he returns to the ball pit.
(This earthworm business has got to stop, Randy. Don't you have any hobbies? You should take up stamp collecting, or coin collecting. Maybe if you collect coins and stamps, you won't have to waste your time RKOing women's boobs. How would you like it if a lady RKOed your wang? Actually, that's a pretty nifty sensation, but not for you.)
7. The Rock
Arguably the most charismatic individual to ever step foot in a WWE ring, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is now one of the most sought after actors in Hollywood. Of course, that makes him the perfect target. Do you smell what The Randy is cooking? I do--it’s a recipe for disaster... made possible by Betty Crocker's Disaster Helper.
(Similar to Hamburger Helper's Helping Hand, the Betty Crocker Disaster Helper mascot will be a hand of five different colours. The hand will be based on the United States Department of Homeland Security's Terror Alert Chart. Of course, when the mascot glows red, you've got a horrible disaster... on your hand.)
Orton will invite the most electrifying man in sports and entertainment to riverboat gamble. Just as The Rock sits down for a rousing game of poker, Randy will RKO him so hard that he bounces off the edge of the boat and falls into the murky Mississippi swamp. Dwayne Johnson will struggle for his life by raising his eyebrow to try to ascend to the surface, though that will simply excite arena crowds rather than assist him out of the water.
Eventually, The Rock will meet a pack of hungry alligators. They will surround him, then just as they are about to attack, The Rock will take off his sock (in place of an elbow pad) and throw it into the imaginary stands. He will attempt The People's Elbow, but will be devoured in a matter of minutes. "Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon, Rocky," says Randy as he twirls his cane and tips his top hat to the gentleman's remains.
(The thought of Randy Orton channeling Boy George makes me giddy like a school girl who has recently pondered the thought of Randy Orton channeling Boy George. Although, the thought of Kanyon channeling Boy George makes me depressed. Turly, Chris Kanyon's whole run in WWF/WWE made me sad, aside from his "Invasion MVP" shirt. Once the aliens invade Earth, I will duplicate that shirt and give it to the alien leader. If the alien leader starts to channel Boy George, I'll move to Mars.)
8. The Legend of Ron Burgundy
Everybody knows San Diego's own Ron Burgundy. The dashing Channel 4 anchorman has been a trusted and fictional news personality for years, consistently being invited into viewers' homes five days a week. You may have even seen a motion picture based on him that has a significant number of admirers. So, who doesn't like this man? Let's just say that The Legend Killer won't be playing jazz flute with him anytime soon.
(I believe that the wrestler most likely to take up the jazz flute is Hardcore Holly. Old Bobert seems like the kind of fellow who prefers his flutes to be jazzy. I guess he's angry because not all flutes can be jazzy. In the world today, conventional flutes are not as jazzy as they once were. When he beat up Rene Dupree, I bet Dupree said something derogatory about jazz flutes. Okay, I'm done.)
In an underhanded and admittedly clever move, Randall Orton will don a maroon suit and black mustache to become Robert Goulet. He will be vehemently set on destroying Mr. Burgundy in any way possible. Randy will pick up a phone in the shape of Goulet's head and dial Burgundy's number. As Ron is about to send off the broadcast with another "Stay classy, San Diego!" salute, he will answer the call from a nearby telephone. Next, Burgundy will be met by a chilling voice that echoes, "Dinkle, donkle, dinkle, donkle, someone's killing you, Orton." Ron Burgundy will instantly die on the news desk by a verbal RKO that magically picks him up and drops him down onto the table. His legend, his heart, and his powder blue suit will be killed instantly. Randy will celebrate on the other end of the line by eating an entire wheel of cheese and defecating in a refrigerator.
I am practically speechless in regards to this plan, but I do have one suggestion: Run, Brick Tamland, run. Don't let Randy Orton invite you to his pants party.
(Randy Orton's pants parties are so dull. Every time I attend one, I end up making an excuse to leave early. My last excuse was that I was being deported by authorities out of all parties hosted by Randy Orton, which is the fifth time I have used that excuse this month alone. As you've seen on World Wrestling Entertainment programming, Randy doesn't even wear pants. Cowboy Bob Orton never taught Randy how to wear pants. What a shame. Randy must think that pants won't let him be an earthworm.)
9. My November 26, 2005 Lobster Dinner
I like lobster. To me, they're like shrimp on steroids. The food screams out an automatic induction into the WWE 2006 Crustacean Hall of Fame. When it comes down to it, eating lobster is a one-stop train ticket to Yumsville--population: me.
So, as I suspected, Randy Orton is one step ahead of this person before you. In fact, he is so far ahead of me, I won't be able to stop myself from experiencing this inevitability. By the time I fully understand what's about to happen, the damage will be done.
The following will occur at or around 8:26 pm:
I will sit down to eat a wonderful and legendary lobster dinner with an incredibly striking female companion, but will be shocked to see Randy Orton execute a run-in through the restaurant. He will RKO every lobster dinner in the place to the ground. My lady friend will be horrified to the point that her wig comes off. In the end, the woman will be revealed to be not a woman at all, but Randy Orton once more. He will RKO the entire restaurant into bankruptcy. Since he would have killed The Legend of the Female Species beforehand, I will conclude that I should've known better as there are now no more vaginas to go around. I will stand in the ruins in complete disbelief. Next, I will continue to eat the complimentary breadsticks that are rightfully mine to have.
(I'm starting to think that Randy Orton enjoys RKOing people, places, and things. I'm unsure as to which of the three entities he enjoys RKOing the most, so I will assume that he loves to RKO places. As with all wrestling fans, I hope to see Randy attempt to RKO the Sphinx at Giza. Surely, he may have done it before because the Sphinx doesn't have a nose anymore. Quite sneaky of you, Orton. Golf claps and poetry-reading snaps to you.)
10. The Air That We Breathe
Oxygen is the life-giving gas of mankind. Therefore, Randy Orton is its carbon monoxide. Naturally, this plan of his is simple, yet incredibly deadly.
With raining pyrotechnics, Randy Orton will use his "arms spread" pose thingy and release harmful matter into the air. He will repeat this motion hundreds of times. In somewhat of a flapping, bird-like motion, he will waft the toxic fumes outside the arena and into the atmosphere. While he begins to fly into the sky, pollution will start to blanket the city. Not only will the harmful smog level kill the fans in attendance, it will suffocate every human being in the city. The remaining survivors will make their way to a local supply shop to retrieve gas masks, but will die via RKO to their larynxes.
Why isn't Randy Orton dead too, you ask? Well, he will purchase every single gas mask in the area one day before the attack. After the dying humans come to this grave realization, Randy will mock the suffering by wearing all the masks on his face and performing the Mexican Gas Mask Dance.
(For you information, a Mexican Gas Mask is a gas mask made out of cherry pickers' unrealistic dreams for a better life in America. Hey, that's cool. You're right, Triple H. Poking fun at Mexico and Mexicans is a blast.)
Alas, that’s just how Randy Orton does the damn thing.
Conclusion:
The list does not stop at this point, though I choose not to read further or reveal more information for the sake of our collective sanity. I don't know how to put this lightly, but Randy Orton is an unstoppable killing machine. His rampage will continue until there are no humans left on the planet, a fate that will force him to RKO species on faraway planets and uncharted moons. One could warn them of such a terrible premonition, but I'm afraid that the message will take billions of light years to reach those helpless beings.
(Watch out, X-Zglorg of Epselon Ten: alien leader of the Jzelgnorp Society. You won't get your "Invasion MVP" shirt if Randy gets to you first. Do you want your shirt or not, whatever you are?)
If I were you, I'd utter my final goodbyes to my friends and loved ones. Also, I'd do the things I have always wanted to do.
Bungee jump off that cliff, skydive over those mountains, take a trip around the world, and enjoy your time left on this 3rd rock from the sun.
Why?
Randy Orton is coming for you. He is coming for all of us.
(On that note, our look back at Randy Orton's Legend Hit List concludes. If you are interested in a mimed transcript of this article, please send ten dollars to that silver guy who never talks and breakdances on your city street. Man, he's so silver. He must be from the future. His father must have done it with a whole tray of silverware.)
