I will live like Alberto Del Rio. I wish to be a highly educated, well-dressed, and honourable hermit.
AND
I'm stuck in a basement, sittin' on a tricycle, girl gettin' on my nerves. Goin' outta my mind, I thought she was fine, don't know if her body is hers.
In the wrestling community, few authority figures are as respected and revered as promoter Dixie Carter. When people aren't confusing her with the late actress who starred in Designing Women, they are praising Dixie for her business savvy and wrestling knowledge. Among my peers, she is known as a M.I.L.F.O.T.S. (Mother I'd Like to Feature on the Site) due to her astounding level of success in the personal and professional world. Total Nonstop Action Wrestling is lucky to have such a vibrant and lovely woman at the helm. Jeff Jarrett did nothing for me, but I am sure he is vibrant and lovely to someone.
So far, every executive decision made by Dixie Carter has altered TNA for the better. Bringing in Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff to work their creative and productive juices into the promotion brought TNA back to the good old days of early 2000 WCW. Briefly moving TNA iMPACT! to Monday nights as a means to compete with WWE RAW encouraged viewers to appreciate the value of watching the show on Thursdays. The signing of "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair served as a grim yet necessary reminder of our own mortality. With TNA Pay-Per-View buy rates hovering at and around the range of five glorious figures, Dixie deserves most if not all the credit.
Lately, certain gutless analysts have criticized Dixie Carter's unorthodox views and opinions about the wrestling industry and life in general. For some inexplicable reason, these critics have even gone as far to attack her Twitter posts — which they believe contain cryptic and passive-aggressive messages directed toward them. Although I strongly disagree with these so-called critics, I have decided to analyze the posts for myself to determine what Dixie actually wishes to communicate. Once I complete this process, I shall prove that these attackers are nothing more than uneducated slanderers.
Regular folk should be glad that Dixie is willing to take time out of her busy schedule and interact with them. She could be doing something more productive, such as manufacture a popular brand of paper cups or collect bananas with her boyfriend Diddy in his Kong Quest, but she chose to speak with you. I wish I could be like Dixie and interact with my fanbase, but I am currently in a legal battle with a foolish man. He claims to be me, owns a Twitter account in my name, and managed to link my site to his account without my knowledge or consent. If he wasn't so attractive, funny, and charming, I would be furious.
Tragic: The Posting
In this post, an exhausted Dixie Carter claims that a TNA Adrenaline Rush is better than sleep. Eight hours spent lying comfortably on a mattress is no match for two hours spent watching 1,000 tourists enjoy air conditioning at the same time. Too bad those sweaty dudes flipping at each other in the foreground don't get to cool off for a bit. Truly, it's no wonder why TNA has so many storylines and feuds based on unexpected betrayal. Nobody would need to tire themselves out and get sweaty if every member of the TNA roster decided not to form a tag team.
While this message is fairly positive, Dixie's reference to a midnight "MTG" is clearly a shot at passionate, collectible card gamers. For those of you who prefer to play Magic: The Gathering in the daytime, Dixie is having none of it. Like other cool people who are not lame nerds, she prefers acquiring mana at around 12:00 a.m. in the morning. She's not going to cast spells at brunch. Get at her.
Brother Raymond and his Three-Dimensional, Permanent Angry Face
This time, Dixie is happy to inform the loyal fans of TNA that the sport of soccer and football are one in the same. Although American football is arguably the most popular sport in the country, Dixie is the only woman who understands the true form of football. In particular, she knows that actual football involves the use of a body part known as the foot. In a future post, I expect Dixie to tell these fans where that part is located on the body. International stars already know the foot's exact location, but is Brother Ray aware? Since he is not an international star, I doubt it.
According to this post, Bubba Ray is likely the only American soccer fan on the TNA roster. Despite USA's strong showing at the World Cup, I assume Bubba's fandom got the best of him. When USA lost to Ghana, he must have felt as though the world was coming down upon him, specifically injuring his butt with the impact of fifty Bubba Bombs.
Penultimate Fighting Championship
The recent release of TNA iMPACT! for the Playstation Portable and Nintendo DS excites Dixie muchly. On second thought, she seems a little too excited for a video game she might never play. Yesterday, I contacted a few inside sources in the industry. They told me that Dixie has another superstar signing to announce. If you are a fan of mixed martial arts and the Ultimate Fighting Championship, you may know UFC Welterweight Champion Georges St-Pierre. Even though TNA does not have the money to sign him up for an appearance or two, you guys and gals are in for the next best thing. Any day now, get ready for the debut of Philippe St-Pierre — Georges St-Pierre's distant and estranged brother.
Georges St-Pierre has a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Strangely enough, Philippe St-Pierre has a black belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, too. Do not ask him where he got the belt, though. Just be content that Philippe is in possession of one until George can contact the authorities. After researching his name on Google, TNA fans should know that PSP is not only a trained mixed martial artist. During the weekends, he works part-time at a store that sells musical instruments. Nice. I can hear it now. Every time he wrestles, fans will be chanting for discount tubas.
All I Have to Do is Dreamer
Wait a Nashville, Tennessean minute, Dixie. Hold onto your delicate undergarments, lady. Dreamer's influence on TNA has been rather beneficial and entertaining, especially to me as I can now confirm that Rhyno, Raven, and Stevie Richards are alive and well. Nevertheless, do not get too hot and bothered in the pelvic region for Tommy Dreamer. Any twelve-year-old knows that when a girl says, "the more extreme the better," they are legally obligated to reply with the phrase, "That's what she said." The petals were plucked from your flower a long while ago, though that does not mean you should communicate your explicit thoughts on the Internet.
For goodness sake, you are the strong female figurehead of a national wrestling promotion. At least you salvaged this post by mentioning your flagship program by its appropriate name. If you didn't clarify what type of impact you meant, who knows what those twelve year olds would say? Maybe they could say, "You're anticipating an impact alright. An impact in your pants."
From now on, please keep suggestive thoughts to yourself.
The Vatican Zone
For weeks, TNA fans tossed and turned in their TNA Adrenaline Rushes as D'Angelo Dinero dropped down the rankings. While I am happy that he has finally returned to keep himself in the Top 10, I do not share the same level of enthusiasm that Dixie conveys in this message. D'Angelo Dinero is a talented Pope, but I was hoping that Dixie was hinting at the debut of a second, injury-free Pope. I’m sorry to say that the durability of Popes in TNA has come into question. I highly doubt Dinero’s shoulder injury allowed him to keep his pimp hand strong. Many pimping Popes before him were forced to retire after suffering such ligament damage. Whose to say that Dinero will be any different?
When I refer to the possibility of signing a new Pope, I'm talking about big names such as Pope Benedict XVI or the real Pope (Todd Grisham). For all I know, Dixie could have been talking with Pope Todd Grisham, only to come out of those contact talks with nothing. Perhaps she shouldn't have offered to buy him a new robe. If I was Pope Todd Grisham, I would find that offer most insulting. His suit, glasses, and gelled hair are his robe. He may not condone sex before marriage, but he is all about the mousse.
In Dependence Day
As a female of United States citizenship, Dixie wishes that her fellow Americans and non-Americans can come together and safely use fireworks without setting each other aflame. Her humble admiration for the men and women who dedicate their lives to preserving American's freedom and independence tells me that she has been on a patriotic entertainment kick as of late. I think someone caught a late-night showing of Independence Day on cable and wants to join in on the fun.
In this scenario, Dixie Carter is Will Smith, welcoming aliens to Earth via punch to the face. Jeff Jarrett is Bill Pullman, flying his jet into the mothership to save the world. If Paul Heyman is about to join the company as rumours suggest, he can be Jeff Goldblum, making plans to fight the aliens while indecisively stammering. As for the aliens themselves, Vince McMahon and his family can step in for a cameo. To Triple H's dismay, Stephanie McMahon can play the alien who can only give birth to girls.
My Lovely Lady Hatch
Mere hours after Dixie expressed her thoughts of the LOST series finale on Twitter, critics misread this post as an accurate and ironic reflection of her management style in TNA. In response to these critics, I believe they are missing the entire point of the message. Like the hopelessly lost characters of the hit ABC drama, Dixie and the TNA roster booked a flight with Oceanic Airlines. Before they could get to Los Angeles from Sydney, the aircraft broke in two, crash landing in Orlando, Florida. Ever since the accident, Dixie and TNA have wandered the terrain, unable to make much sense of anything.
Years ago, Frankie Kazarian constructed a bamboo raft and set sail for the calm waters of World Wrestling Entertainment. In the end, he found himself back in the strange land that is TNA. Obviously, the Impact Zone is a peculiar place with magical powers. One fateful day, Dixie may decide to return the six-sided cork back into the center of the Impact Zone. Until that time comes, she is left wondering if every promoter promotes alone.
Chance Meeting
After reading Dixie's posts, I feel as though I know her better than I know myself. For the most part, I have that feeling because my self refuses to return my calls. Regardless, Dixie Carter's messages have taught me enough about her to determine the mystery man, woman, or child behind the meeting. Since she mentioned that we will eventually meet this individual as well, I shall assume that the person in question does not live life as a hologram. Since she posted the message on July 8th, it is safe to say that the day of the meeting rules out anybody who was born on or after July 9th. The potential main event matchup between Samoa Joe and a July 9th baby of similar size and shape would make tons of money, but I doubt we'll get ever it.
With these facts in mind, I conclude that Dixie Carter encountered her future self. Future Dixie could have warned Present Dixie Carter of what would become of TNA if she wasn’t careful, but Future Dixie Carter did not want to alter destiny. In place of telling her what not to do, Future Dixie Carter and Present Dixie Carter ended up chatting about girl stuff. Future Dixie Carter told Present Dixie Carter about the evolution of the shawl and little else. Future Dixie Carter sounds like a time-travelling beyotch.
WWE United States Championship Match The Miz (c) vs. Mystikal
Represent the states, but watch yourself Represent the states, but don't show me your Florida Represent the states, but watch yourself Represent the states, put back that dangling Florida
I came here moving thangs with my hands Don't make me leave with a surplus of thangs in my possession, let's haggle And don't worry about how I'm talking like this When I'm rapping I'm not angry, but I'm just disappointed in what you do I'm truculent with every single step More dignified than any other rapper who just served a long-term prison sentence You can't defeat me and you won't Except when you do and you did Take the mic, don't be trite, get your coat back Got some Kwik for my dogg pound, witnessing Killings at the theme park You think I'm lying? Miz, I wouldn't try it I'm sighing if you trip over words about voting for the Diva Search Kids rhyming weekly, acting like they're into me Hope this doesn't alarm you when I say I'm the man without the candy van (stranger danger) Came to play, but not this way You're in reality, not on MTV Get like a student and you'll learn We don't play by road rules because we're living in the real world
The Question: Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
I will climb a ladder and grab a briefcase, weeks before I have to climb a ladder and grab a briefcase for real.
Recently, WWE's official website conducted a series of interviews with the best and brightest of professional sports. They call this segment "Breaking the Count," which is a wrestling reference, but could very well be a Sesame Street reference. Members of the Chicago Blackhawks — the 2010 Stanley Cup Champions — were the most notable athletes to break the count, answering five tough questions with five tough, salary-cap-strapped answers. Also, Chris Carter of the New York Mets has done some answering with a sub-.250 response average. Therefore, he successfully gave a reply for every fourth question. Good for him.
At this time, I am not a professional athlete, but I have dabbled in numerous competitive sports in the past. In high school, I was a part of the school's soccer, baseball, and basketball teams. They used to call me "Superstar" for my dynamic athleticism. The only problem was that I played these sports simultaneously. Before kicking the soccer ball into the net, I would try to hit it with a baseball bat while shooting the J with my other hand. This technique may not sound that unorthodox to some of you, but while I was trying to play three sports at once, I did so underwater. The swim team needed me.
Even though I am now fully committed to the Internet writing/gangster rap game, that does not mean I am willing to leave my sporting life behind. Thanks to WWE's Breaking the Count, the marriage between my old and new self has been made. After I answer these questions, who knows what could happen? The Swerved could be drafted by a sports organization somehow. LeBron James and I could be hooping it up on the same team, winning title after title for the Vancouver Grizzlies. I might bolt to Russia and play in the Kontinental Hockey League as a left winger. The possibilities are infinite.
In sports, sources tell me that it does not matter whether you win or lose, but how you play the game. As far as wrestling-related interviews are concerned, I am undefeated with the majority of my victories decided by unintentional count-out against Primo. With that sparkling record, I guess I'm playing the game in an awesome to super awesome fashion. I am going to rule these queries with an iron-answering fist.
1. Who was your favourite Superstar growing up?
I would have to say that my favourite wrestler as a child was The Godfather. He was such a vibrant, family-friendly character who appealed to any and all age groups. While the neighbourhood kids were playing Cops and Robbers or Cowboys and Indians, I was playing Pimps and Hoes. The object of Pimps and Hoes is similar to tag in that the hoes must run away from the pimps in order to gain their freedom. As for the pimps, they must chase after the hoes to gain their cut of the profits. The game ends when either the hoes start a new life — studying psychology at community college and working part-time shifts at Denny's — or the pimps get their money and return the hoes to their Ho-V (recreational Hummer for prostitutes).
Plus, I was a big fan of The Godfather's Ho Train. Unlike other young boys, I was not enamoured with the sexy yet skanky ladies. I just enjoyed watching a group of people moving in a train-like formation. Who doesn't these days? The Quad City DJs would have been quite proud of such a train.
2. What's your best memory of WWE?
My favourite memory of WWE was Mae Young's enthusiastic display at the 2000 Miss Royal Rumble swimsuit contest. While such legendary Divas as The Kat and Barbara Bush showed their attractive thingies, Mae's shocking appearance shall enlighten my soul for the rest of my life. Once I saw Miss Young's aged, prosthetic, anterior protuberances out in the open, I gained a newfound appreciation and respect for the legally blind. My eyes allow me to take in the beauty of my surroundings, but maybe I don't need that kind of luxury anymore. Thanks to Mae Young, I have decided to interact with the world around me through Braille only.
Certain moments in WWE history should feel good to the touch, such as Sable's handprint bra unveiling or every other Diva Pillow Fight. On the other hand, I do not look forward to any event that features the de-pantsing of Triple H or Ric Flair. My innocent hands aren't ready to cope with traumatic experiences yet.
3. What would the name of your signature move be?
In my opinion, the name of a wrestler's signature move is as important as the name and personality of the wrestler himself. For instance, I am not going to cheer for a wrestler who ends his matches with a hip toss called "This is a Hip Toss." That name is neither flashy nor creative, which suggests to me that the man behind the name is no better. The best signature moves in wrestling are the ones with a catchy yet simplistic name that can be hit on anyone from anywhere, such as the Stone Cold Stunner, Rock Bottom, and the Superkick/Sweet Chin Music. For my signature move, I will not settle for anything less than a name fit for a WWE megastar.
Taking my own personal interests and athletics abilities into account, I have invented a move that combines the unpredictable and flashy Inverted 450 Splash with the atomic deadliness of the leg drop. The working name for it is "That Time John Stamos Went Skydiving on the Day of His Wedding on Full House, Only to Get Stuck in a Tree." I shall signal for the move by summoning The Rippers with an electric conch, which was given to me by The Beach Boys after performing with them in Hawaii.
4. Which Superstar or Diva, past or present, would you like to escort you to the ring?
Maryse's recent pairing with Ted DiBiase has inspired me to take on Maryse Ouellet as my valet. You see, Ted and I are similar in that we both have millions of dollars to spend on valets that can accompany us to the top of the ramp, but do not wish to walk any further. A girl who chooses to watch me accompany myself the rest of the way when she is supposed to walk down the entire ramp is my kind of woman. My other kind of woman is a lady who needs my assistance when entering the ring. Since I hired her, it is my job to safely get her into the ring as I get into that same ring without any help whatsoever.
If I had to pick a former or present WWE Superstar to escort me to the ring, I would give the honour to "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. For years, he has been wandering around America with a 2x4 in hand. A construction site wants that 2x4 back and I am trying to return it to them. I would buy them a new one, but they know what their 2x4 looks like. I couldn't fool them.
5. How is your sport like WWE?
Professional wrestling analysis is a lot like World Wrestling Entertainment in that at any time, my kneecap can just kind of blow over to the side of my leg. Every week, I am in danger of tearing my entire pectoral muscle completely off my shoulder. Intense sessions of wrestling criticism have forced me to have surgery five times in my left knee. The other day, my tendon was torn off the bone and I couldn't hardly lift my leg anymore. With my every article I write, my body and my life are on the line.
In conclusion, perhaps I should stop writing articles with my kneecap, my pectoral muscle, my left knee, and my leg. I believe using those body parts rather than my fingers and hands might have something to do with my injuries. Sadly, I never learned how to type on the computer in any other way. I hope I am safe while driving and eating as I tend to steer with my face and eat with my elbow.
The new RAW General Manager is a mystery, a authority figure that no one sees. Who could it be? So far, I have narrowed him or her down to anyone in World Wrestling Entertainment who knows how to use an e-mail account and is willing to have maintain close communication with Michael Cole. In other words, I have narrowed the GM’s identity down to three people. In my quest to determine the man or woman behind the e-mail address, I manage to accidentally stumble upon a series of messages that Michael did not read on the air. Thanks, Fisher Price Hacking Playset. I could not do this without you.
According to law, I have been told that my actions are less than legal. Well, if caring about WWE's well-being is illegal, throw me jail and keep me there until I roll two dice of the same number or pay fifty dollars in fake, pink money. Monday Night RAW is not a toy. Whoever this RAW General Manager may be, I pray that he or she is doing what is right for the company. After revealing that he was the GM of WWF RAW and WWE RAW, I do not need another Bret-Hart-like situation. He was controlling two shows in two companies, yet nothing was done to stop him. I, for one, am glad that his reign of tyranny is over.
The following e-mails serve as a telling window into this mystery GM's soul. Before you continue reading, prepare to be shocked, offended, and invigorated. For some of you, don't be surprised if you end up pregnant with the RAW General Manager's general babies. Surely, his or her words are powerful and sexually potent. If you are currently pregnant with child, do not even bother to read these e-mails because the GM's baby will defeat and replace the one that is already in your womb. To be honest, I'm not sure how that is physical possible, but I learned about the miracle of birth from various children's pop-up books. Don't take my word for it.
Wherever you are, mystery GM, I wish you good luck in your present endeavours. May your decisions send many a shockwave throughout RAW and change the landscape of the wrestling industry forever. To my knowledge, you shall be the first general manager to accomplish these lofty goals for nobody has tried what you're trying before. Early congratulations to you and yours, my no-named friend.
E-mail #1: Learning the Basics
In this e-mail, the RAW General Manager discovers the wonders of sending messages through electronic means. At the same time, Michael Cole makes plan to give the mystery GM limited access to his Facebook account.
E-mail #2: An Excellent Business Opportunity
No more than one week removed from being announced as the new RAW General Manager, the mystery man or woman informs Michael Cole of a sure-fire way to make them big bucks. Once Michael Cole is finished selling knives door to door for a substantial profit, he will be more than happy to join in on this deal.
E-mail #3: Stop Acting Like a Michael Cole, Michael Cole
In this e-mail, RAW's mysterious manager wants Michael Cole to read his messages like a man. As of this writing, Michael Cole is working part-time at an apprenticeship to become a real man. In my opinion, I highly doubt that working part-time will do the trick — unless he wants to be a part-time man.
E-mail #4: Knowing Your Superiors
The RAW General Manager and Vince McMahon are getting closer by the day. Whenever Vince McMahon sees Michael Cole reading an e-mail from the mystery manager, Vince says, "Is that the manager? Did the GM say anything about me?" In turn, the RAW General Manager is very interested in Vince's likes and dislikes and wants to make him a mixtape. Linda is jealous of their blooming relationship.
E-mail #5: Suit and Nothing Else
In the game of life, you either win or lose. In the game of dressing up in a formal manner while employed by WWE, you either win or lose, too. Why? The RAW General Manager does not accept ties. Michael Cole better take notes and start showing some upper chest.
E-mail #6: Take Care of Einstein for Me
Michael Cole and the RAW GM's exciting adventures through time have provided them with many lasting memories. Yet, for every action in time is met with an equal and opposite reaction. They are messing with the time-e-mail-message continuum. They must face the consequences. Their future e-mails are in danger.
E-mail #7: Celebrity Cameos A-Go-Go
World Wrestling Entertainment's decision to continue with the RAW Guest Host idea sits well with the mystery GM. Celebrities condescendingly interacting with wrestling and the wrestling audience has been a staple of the industry for the longest time. Why mess with tradition?
E-mail #8: The Debut
One day, the RAW General Manager shall emerge from the shadows, generally managing from locations with increasingly better light sources. On that day, we shall see his or her face and rejoice. Michael Cole believes he is talking to Batman. I see no reason why Batman is not the RAW General Manager. He has nothing better to do.
Forgive me, Father of Wrestling Confessions, for I have returned. I have not spoken to you in quite a while. I consider myself to be a man of faith, but I do not care for confession booths. Whenever I enter one to tell you my deepest, darkest, wrestling-related secrets, I know what you're doing. I can hear you unwrapping your block of cheese. Don't bother trying to grate that stuff against the screen because I won't be returning the flakes to you. Please grate your fresh parmesan on your own time, Father.
The weight of these secrets have burdened me long enough. Everywhere I go, wrestling fans ask me about my true thoughts and feelings about the industry. While I am more than willing to divulge some of those thoughts and feelings on this site, I am keeping many for a future tell-all book entitled, "Ending Sentences I Began During Conversations with Wrestling Fans." The book will feature nothing but the last few words to incomplete sentences uttered years ago about professional wrestling. Because I don't remember which fan asked me what question, I will simply direct the answer to a detailed, physical description of a person. Based on my excellent, long-term memory, those descriptions are likely contain the phrase "person with human features."
Once you hear these secrets, you may not see me in the same positive light ever again. In your eyes, one secret could make me a saint, while another could turn me into a saintlier saint. In the case of readers who come across these confessions, I hope they do not think less of the real me. Despite my squeaky-clean reputation, I am far from perfect. Now and again, I am bound to make mistakes. For example, imagine my surprise when my weekly javelin practice in the Gulf Coast went awry. My hover yacht, from where I threw my javelins, was moving all over the place.
I urge you, Father of Confessions, to show me how to absolve my sins. Last time, I cleansed myself of wrongdoing by taking a shower in water rather than liquid gold. Although I still felt dirty for taking a regular person's shower, my conscience was clear. As you quietly unwrap your block of cheese on the other side of this confession booth, please work your magic once more.
1) Ever since Carlito's release from World Wrestling Entertainment, I have been inconsolable. In protest, I have gathered a large group of supporters who shall continue to have a slight dislike for apples. Outsiders will say, "Hey, supporters. Do any of you guys want to eat some delicious apples?" In response, we will say, "No, not really. We're tired of hiding from all of these doctors."
2) I know the mystery man behind TNA's "Ace Card" attacks on Shannon Moore and Jesse Neal. Even though Orlando Jordan was the first to use a playing card (The Wild Card) on his opponent, he is not responsible. If you want to know the man's true identity, look inside every wrestler's standard deck of playing cards — which he receives upon signing with TNA. If an Ace of Spades is missing, somebody is in trouble.
3) The other day, I entered a Fatal Four-Way with three beautiful ladies. To our dismay, nobody died or won a championship. In the end, we found ourselves sexing with each other. What was the point?
4) As a guidance counsellor for impressionable teens, young men and women often come to me for advice. Whenever they ask me how to French kiss their significant other, I get nervous and tell them to watch Maryse. To this day, I indirectly responsible for concussing three-quarters of the teenage population in my area.
5) I first taught female wrestlers the back handspring as a fun and flashy way to deliver the sandwiches they made to male wrestlers. Today, those females are ending the move with an elbow and nobody is getting sandwiches. My work was for nothing.
6) As a young boy, I thought that the sunset flip involved the moon leaping over a bent sun and putting it in a pinning predicament. With no referee present, the sun would kick out at around 6 A.M. I was a tender, innocent, seventeen-year-old child.
7) Rumours of an Extreme Championship Wrestling storyline in TNA could very well fulfill an impossible dream of mine. One day, broken-down, middle-aged men will have heated arguments at a theme park. On that day, my life will be complete.\
8) I have tried to grant citizenship to foreign objects, but they are unwilling to get married to objects born in this country.
9) John Cena and Batista's I Quit Match at Over The Limit has inspired me to take on my nemesis in an I Quilt Match. The first man who admits his love for stitching squares of fabric together to make colourful blankets will be the loser (or the winner, depending upon your opinion of public quilting).
10) After his successful run of imitating "The Macho Man" Randy Savage, I'm glad that Jay Lethal finally gets to be himself — an imitation of "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair.
11) The unforgiving steel cage is giving me the silent treatment. I have apologized to the cage numerous times for leaving it for a more understanding cage, but it will not return my calls. Also, every time I see the unforgiving steel cage around town, it shows off by grinding on top of a wrestling ring.
12) I heard that Rey Mysterio was only able to conceive his three children with his wife draped over the middle rope. Mr. and Mrs. Mysterio tried to conceive a fourth child, but his wife was out of position by the time they were ready.
13) Due to Percy Watson's sudden popularity, I am afraid that I must humble him by stifling his rise to the top of the wrestling world. In the next few weeks, watch out for the debut of faraway eye charts.
14) Last Monday, I like to think that Ted DiBiase took the hundred-dollar bill from Virgil's mouth because he mistook him for a big chain bank. In turn, I think average, middle-class people are doing a disservice to their savings by not holding them in Virgil's mouth. I assume his mouth has a low interest rate.
15) Although I do not have the authoritative power to fire WWE Superstars, I convinced the promotion to fire Daniel Bryan. Despite his years of experience and superior wrestling skills, I could really use a new Coldplay album right now.
16) When the Acolyte Protection Agency ran their Always Pounding Ass Bar & Grill, I refused to visit. I did not want to witness Bradshaw and Faarooq have butt relations with a restaurant. Butt relations are not sanitary.
17) I am not afraid of Kane. In fact, I feel sorry for him. Unlike other Big Red Machines, he wears one, coloured contact lens. Maybe he shouldn't have spent all of his money on one fancy, coloured contact lens. With his salary, he could have bought himself a decent pair of regulars. You cannot reason with him.
18) Hulk Hogan's Hall of Fame ring gives aspiring stars the power and confidence needed to excel in the wrestling business. After conducting a survey with wrestling fans, I have concluded that Hulk Hogan's Hall of Fame ring gives them the power and confidence needed to see what else is on Thursday-night television.
19) I wonder why former abductees who are featured in the news don't act like Samoa Joe and randomly interfere in wrestling matches. If I was a child who was recently abducted, I would want nothing more than to randomly interfere in wrestling matches. Forget about getting justice against my abductors. I’m hankering to mess people up in the Impact Zone.
20) I planned the NXT Rookies' assault on Bret Hart. With that said, I never instructed them to shove him into a limousine, then have the driver violently reverse the limousine into other cars. I just told them to open up his shirt without asking him. Calgarians loathe buttoning up their shirts. If they have to do it twice, forget about it.
In an unprecedented and genius move, World Wrestling Entertainment handed over the booking reigns to their universe. In turn, the WWE Universe gave us a one-time, voting extravaganza that we will not soon forget. Last Monday, the Divas competed in a rare yet familiar Over The Bottom, Middle, or Top Rope Battle Royal. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper returned to exact revenge on a guy who played another guy playing a guy that Piper used to dislike. Last and kind of least, that District 9 dude was confused. If I were him, I would be confused, too. One day, you're a bug person jonesing for some delicious cat food. The next day, Gene Okerlund is dissing you.
Wrestling fans with a working, long-term memory might argue that WWE has done a Viewer's Choice Night before. I would not disagree with you, but aren't you glad we can relive the good times for free? Like that Motown song says about birds and bees on welfare, the best things in life are definitely free. To get an opportunity to vote for matches and match stipulations that have minimal to no impact on a storyline, feud, or character is the greatest freebie no money can buy.
For me, Viewer's Choice Nights belong on Mondays. I believe WWE put an end to the original Taboo Tuesday and Cyber Sunday because they were too good for those Pay-Per-View days. People were willing to pay millions of dollars to watch them, only for WWE to say, "Hey, we don't want your money. We don't know where that money has been." Plus, the Tuesday Alliance Against Discrimination was mad that WWE portrayed Tuesday as a special needs weekday. You see, Tuesday is not like the other days. His helper Wednesday assists Tuesday whenever it needs to go to the bathroom. Wednesday encourages Tuesday to learn about social dos and don'ts with flashcards.
In anticipation for the next Viewer's Choice Night, I have prepared several voting ideas. While WWE has not scheduled another three-hour voting special, I am willing to do the grunt work for them. From last week's RAW forward, every Monday should be left to the voters. They vote presidents to office and American Idol contestants to superstardom. Therefore, they should be more than able to be improve WWE programming.
How will John Cena return from the NXT assault? (WWE viewers pick entrance)
Choices: - Rolling down the ramp in a wheelchair - Walking with a limp - Sprinting to the ring without showing any ill effects - Pulling a train through deep space
Following an impromptu invasion by the NXT Season 1 Rookies, John Cena was left a battered and bruised mess. Due to his exit on a stretcher, one might think that Cena would be unable to make an appearance on the next Monday Night RAW. As for me, I have complete faith that he will return, but under condition will we see “The Champ”? Going through spotlights couldn't hurt him. Going through tables was a slight annoyance. Vehicular homicide attempts made him itchy rather than dead. Has NXT finally put out Cena for good?
How will Justin Roberts look after tie strangulation? (WWE viewers pick facial expression)
Choices: - Exhausted - Furious - Elated - Like an inconvenienced Popeye with shampoo in his eyes
RAW Announcer Justin Roberts — the fresh-faced voice of Monday nights — suffered a similar fate to that of John Cena. With NXT Rookies destroying wrestlers, officials, and equipment alike, he got caught in the crossfire as victim of the dreaded Windsor Knot Choke. For years, wrestlers have tried to find a way to use formal wear against ring announcers. In 2010, nobody with microphone in hand and tie on neck is safe from such NXT Rookies as the forever-employed Daniel Bryan. Those who prefer bow ties shall feel the wrath next. Unfortunate gentlemen who enjoy wearing dickeys should go into hiding before it is too late.
What has become of Justin Roberts? The tie is in your hands.
What will Matt Hardy do with Drew McIntyre's hair? (WWE viewers pick use)
Choices: - Keep it in a sealed container (Years from now, future scientists will open the container, use the hair to make a Drew McInytre clone, and question the life decisions they made to get to this point.) - Add them to his own hair - Take a few strands from Tiffany's head, then play with both in his Hair Dream House - Follow the hairs' verified Twitter account
Matthew Hardy's obsession with "The Chosen One" Drew McIntyre has consumed him. Ever since his indefinite suspension from SmackDown, Matt has desperately sought means for retribution. On the Viewer's Choice edition of RAW, he put a revenge plan into motion, ripping luxurious strands of hair from McIntyre's head. In my country, taking hairs from someone's head is the ultimate form of payback besides actually getting payback. Has Matt's plan come together, or is this only the beginning?
What will Edge use next to aggravate Randy Orton's shoulder injury? (WWE viewers pick person, place, or thing)
Choices: - Uncomfortable shoulder massage with sensual undertones - Open a door on it - Shut a window on it - Invite Randy Orton's shoulder to a dinner party with healthy and wealthy shoulders to make it feel inadequate
The R-Rated Superstar's recent attacks on Randy Orton suggest that Edge is not fooling around this time. His own storied history of injury woes has frustrated him to the point that he is taking it out on other people's injuries. Dear shoulders; hide your wives and injuries from Edge for he has his eyes on you. He will sleep with your significant other, suffer a freak injury, and cap the night off by temporarily holding you down with a shoulder pad. Clearly, Edge is not done tormenting Orton's shoulder. Wherever Orton's shoulder goes, Edge will be right behind him.
What is his next move? The choice is yours.
What is causing Jerry Lawler's computer problems? (WWE viewers pick reason)
Choices: - Computer is new - Computer is an older model - WWE refuses to shell out money for a decent WiFi connection - Facial recognition software does not detect a real face
In the midst of showing viewers the ease of voting online, Jerry "The King" Lawler proved that the process was not easy at all. Being a man of tussling nobility, I do not expect Lawler to be a tech-savvy king, but I do expect him to have some semblance of control over his personal computer. Past instances of computer problems lead me to believe that something has gone awry in the relationship between royal man and machine. If Jerry Lawler is not at fault, what is the computer’s problem with Lawler?
Who will Quinton "Rampage" Jackson face in his first professional wrestling match? (WWE viewers pick opponent)
Choices: - Ted DiBiase - Irwin R. Shyster - Virgil - A stronger pair of handcuffs made of materials other than paper or air
This summer, Quinton Jackson plays B.A. Baracus, combining the powers of having a bad attitude and being an abacus whittled out of a barracuda. Mixed-martial arts fans know him as a former UFC Light Heavyweight Champion, but Jackson has expressed an interest to take part in the world of professional wrestling. Can he translate his powerful fighting style to a wrestling ring? No, you silly goose. Light heavyweights aren't heavyweights. The Great Khali would kill him based on size alone.
Nevertheless, who will be his first opponent? You can vote here. It’s not a handicapped zone.
Who will be Tamina and The Usos biggest rivals? (WWE viewers pick enemies)
Choices: - The Hart Dynasty - Santino Marella & Vladimir Kozlov - John Morrison & R-Truth - Slippery top turnbuckles
The Usos are the twin sons of Rikishi. Tamina is the daughter of Jimmy Snuka. Together, they are the Samoan Smart Team, bent on showing viewers that they are not your average Samoans. Unlike their stereotypical ancestors, they are not savage islanders or thonged dancers with gigantic posteriors. They wear modern clothes. One of them is sometimes seen in a sweater vest, also known as the intimidator's garb. For the most part, they are not in sync with one another’s movements.
They will have their day in the spotlight. One of them will leap into it several seconds before the other two, but I digress. Could another team beat them to the punch?
What move will the general public best recognize in a match between Chris Jericho & The Big Show? (WWE viewers pick maneuver)
Choices: - Body slam - Body slam - Body slam - That fake WWF stuff with Hulk Hogan, no doubt
Currently, the public's interest in professional wrestling is at a definite low point. Close-minded analysts who are not me predict that no current star or angle can bring wrestling back into the mainstream. In my view, WWE is closer than ever before. With Jericho set to host a game show on ABC (Downfall) and The Big Show about to appear in the first comedy by WWE Films (Knucklehead), mainstream audiences will be paying attention. Despite wrestling's poor reputation with the general public, they are educated viewers who want to love wrestling; they just don't know it yet.
One recognizable move can reel them into the entertainment sport. Which one will it be? Your vote counts.
I hear people say that I look like Edge They're adamant They call me Adam They want to see some spears
They see me in left or right field I often play in center field But when the people think that I'm Edge They start questioning my field They say, "Why are you playing baseball?" "Shouldn't you be pro wrestling?" "Why do you look so much like Edge?" "Can I touch your World Series ring?
I hear wrestling fans saying What baseball fans aren't saying They're not familiar with Edgeheads Perhaps Edge looks like me instead
I hear people say that I look like Edge They're adamant They call me Adam They want to see some spears, they want to see some spears They tell me this when I'm up to bat They ask about Lita while I make a catch They want to see some spears, they want to see some spears
The Question: Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
Ashton Kutcher will be here live... on tape... in another place... last week.
AND
Please, I know it's hard to believe to see a perfect forest through so many splintered trees.
After months of mentoring, wrestling mentors, voting, drinking soda, and having deep discussions about flowers, World Wrestling Entertainment has found their next superstar. In Wade Barrett, WWE finally has a sports entertainer who doesn't like to correctly wear suit jackets. You might say that Wade was lucky to be a part of NXT, but I say that NXT was lucky to be a part of Wade Barrett's life. Polls don't lie. Forget about Daniel Bryan and Michael Cole's increasing sexual tension. Without a doubt, Wade Barrett will be number one in our hearts and minds for a long time to come.
As one tremendous season of NXT ends, a second one is about to emerge from a cocoon, turn into a butterfly, and appear on SyFy. This time around, eight up-and-comers will vie for a chance to become the next Wade Barrett, Justin Gabriel, or David Otunga. In order to be David Otunga, many of these NXT Rookies will have to marry Jennifer Hudson. With only so many Jennifer Hudsons available, look for this season to be full of great suspense and drama. Rookies will win, while others will lose. They might have to carry two kegs. I can't wait.
This season's NXT Pro lineup is a roll call of WWE's best and brightest. Co-Women's Champions Michelle McCool and Layla are ready to teach their rookie how to be flawless in a simplistic way. Current Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston will show his rookie how to embrace, then disown Jamaica. In addition, Montel Vontavious Porter gets to do something without William Regal borgarting his man. Skip Sheffield would have won if he had MVP's inflatable tunnel. Regal ruined it. He ruined it all.
The second season of WWE NXT will debut on June 8, but you might as well get your party supplies out now. In advance, I have prepared eight piñatas, modeled after the eight NXT Rookies. Even though I did not know what these rookies look liked when making the piñatas, I think I'll be okay. All eight NXT Rookies look like rainbow-coloured donkeys, right? If so, I'm golden. Thank heavens.
Husky Harris and Cody Rhodes
In his hype video, Husky Harris describes himself as a third-generation superstar. His grandfather is Blackjack Mulligan and his father is Mike Rotunda, also known as "The I.R.S. Man." He claims that he has been waiting for someone to let him off the leash and let him go. I don't know who this "someone" is, but I urge him or her to let him off the leash and let him go already. Not only did he have to change his last name to get onto WWE television, but he had to change his first name to an adjective that sensitively describes a fat person. Hasn't "The Husky Harris Man" suffered enough, someone?
Due to his lineage and pairing with second-generation superstar Cody Rhodes, I expect husky things from Husky Harris. Let's hope Cody's time with Hardcore Holly taught him how to treat potential superstars with dignity and respect. Do you remember that time Hardcore Holly showed up on Tough Enough, wrestled with Matt Cappotelli, and bought him ice cream? On second thought, let's hope Cody Rhodes learned nothing from Hardcore Holly.
Odds of Winning: 20:1
Eli Cottonwood and John Morrison
NXT Pro John Morrison describes Eli Cottonwood as a “giant redwood tree.” For those of you who don't understand this comparison, Eli Cottonwood is a giant redwood tree in that he is taller than the other trees in the forest. Furthermore, he is able to sexually and asexually reproduce. As Eli's mentor, Morrison believes that he can teach him how to burn the entire forest down to the ground. While Morrison has good intentions, he shouldn't promote forest fires. Smokey the Bear might be a member of the WWE Universe. I would contact him to make sure, but I don't believe in bears taking up work as forest rangers. They are already bears. They have too much on their plate.
Cottonwood claims that he wants to win NXT and "inflict pain and carnage" amongst all the people who step in his path. Standing over seven feet tall and weighing over three hundred pounds will help him achieve both of his goals, but what about his secret, third goal? Does Eli want to produce lumber for the sturdy construction of buildings or not? He can't achieve all three goals. He must set his priorities straight.
Odds of Winning: 2:1
Percy Watson and Montel Vontavious Porter
First of all, Montel Vontavious Porter wants Percy Watson to understand that being a WWE Superstar takes hard work, dedication, and sacrifice. Montel's mentor — Sherri Sheperd from The View — was the one who first taught him this important lesson. Also, she showed him that you don't have time to know if the earth is flat or round when you've got kids to feed. If Percy Watson wants to be as successful as Montel and Sherri, he must put an end to his partying ways. When you're a WWE Superstar, you shouldn’t party as you will be too busy training and wrestling on a flat planet. Lose focus for one second and you might fall off the edge.
According to Percy, he is a "Sexy Star Stud Stallionaire." For now, I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt. That's four things he claims to be. I'll need to conduct a background check to determine if he's telling the truth. I'll especially need to look into the stallionaire part. I haven't been to his home in South Beach, but I doubt his place has room to house millions of stallions. Perhaps he could put a few thousand in his pool or under a cushion. Nevertheless, this guy seems charismatic, yet shady.
Odds of Winning: 8:1
Titus O'Neil and Zack Ryder
Apparently, Zack Ryder is planning to teach his NXT Rookie how to dress, get girls, and get "Zacked." Although Titus should look forward to learning the first two lessons, he could do without the third lesson. Zack Ryder taught me how to get "Zacked" before. The overall procedure and results were underwhelming at best. Zacking mostly involves cutting one of your pant legs, then cutting communication with your former brother Curt Hawkins. I have no problem with my former brother Curt Hawkins. After cutting communication with him, he snuck into my house and sewed the pant leg back onto my pants while I slept. He's good people.
Stone-faced powerhouse Titus O'Neil hopes that "a lot of his movements" will put him in a position to win. I assume that he is looking to move himself into the winning position by standing there. If not, I don't understand what these movements are. Titus insists that this process will be difficult and challenging, which leads me to believe that NXT has turned into a calculus course or "The Eliminator" — the final obstacle course on American Gladiators.
Odds of Winning: 4:1
Kaval and Lay-Cool
Michelle McCool and Layla are the first-ever, female, NXT Pros, proving to young and impressionable girls everywhere that it takes two women to do one man's job. Since Kaval gets to learn the ropes from two professionals, I expect twice as much out of him. He can't be one of those low-key wrestlers who are content to fly under the radar. With Lay-Cool by his side, I suggest that Kaval emerge as NXT's fighting, Japanese warrior. I know TNA had one of those guys, but I forgot his name. Oh, wait. I remember now. That guy was Cute Kip. Kaval must become a Billy-Gunn-esque warrior.
Brooklyn's own does not care how big or tough his opponents may be for he will fight tooth and nail until the very end. I am in favour of undersized individuals taking on tooth decay and tetanus, but Kaval is a wrestler. He should use his experience to help him win NXT, not serve as the world's dentist or doctor. Let tooth decay and tetanus sufferers figure out a solution on their own. They should have flossed more, or watched where they were stepping. That's their fault.
Odds of Winning: 40:1
Lucky Cannon and Mark Henry
Mark Henry thinks that Lucky Cannon believes himself to be lucky. With a name like Lucky Cannon, he better think he is lucky. Otherwise, he would probably think he was a cannon and try to involve himself in an old-timey war of some sort. On top of being lucky, Mark Henry thinks that Cannon is lucky to have him as a mentor. In conclusion, Mark's thoughts have a gigantic ego. Mark Henry's thoughts should cool it with the ego stroking.
Due to a few close calls in his life, Cannon's family and friends named him Lucky. Actually, I don't think that makes him lucky at all. After years of being Jason (his placeholder name), Cannon's family and friends had to get together and have a lengthy discussion about what his actual name would be. Normal names such as Jeff, Joe, and Horseshoe Face were thrown around before they settled on Lucky.
In Lucky's hype video, he admits that he has a never-say-die attitude that prevents him from stopping. Having a predisposed lack of mental and physical control seems unfortunate rather than lucky.
Odds of Winning: 30:1
Michael McGillicutty and Kofi Kingston
Obviously, Michael McGillicutty is the son of WWE Hall of Famer Mr. McGillicutty. Unlike Mr. Perfect, Mr. McGillicutty was not perfect at everything. He couldn't play golf or basketball, but he did know how to cook an egg really well without breaking the yolk.
Kofi Kingston thinks that Michael is going to make his own mark, though neglects to explain why. Kofi just has that feeling about him. As for me, I don't believe anything Kofi says anymore. I bet he's not even from Ghana either. When WWE asked him where he was actually from, he took a globe, spun it, and put his finger on a random country. I hear them shouting, I hear them lying.
In one word, Michael McGillicutty's in-ring style is ruthless. In two words, Michael McGillicutty's in-ring style is ruthless and aggressive. In three words, Michael McGillicutty has Jamie Noble Hair. He wants you to call him wrestling royalty. Mr. McGillicutty knew how to cook eggs and was the reigning king of professional wrestling? I have to sit down for a minute. Michael's life is The Princess Diaries.
Odds of Winning: 3:1
Alex Riley and The Miz
Michael Cole and I are glad that The Miz has agreed to be a Pro on the second season of NXT. As for The Miz, he is glad to not be paired up with an arrogant, egotistical loser like Daniel Bryan. This June, The Miz will be paired up with an arrogant, egotistical loser like "The Talent Of" Alex Riley. "The Talent Of" is my favourite wrestling nickname of the 21st Century. The talent of what exactly? Before you answer, stop right there. Whatever it is, it sounds talented.
From the sight of his sleeveless letterman's jacket, Alex Riley appears to be a pompous frat boy who sold his sleeves to buy a servant monkey that doesn't exist. Alex is lobbying to change the show's name from NXT to Alex Riley and the Seven Dorks. I highly anticipate the debut of Alex Riley and the Seven Dorks. Any show that perpetuates the idea that Alex Riley is the leader of dorks is a good and accurate one.
