The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 25th

Donkey Kong vs. Rey Mysterio

Who's that chucking barrels at me?
K-O-N-G
Donkey Kong's barrel throng
When the ape is here, the princesses jeer
The plumbers show fear, better stay clear

Go!
Up the steel girders it's Mysterio
Scaling up the ladders toward his foe
What's he gonna do when a barrel comes close?
He better jump over it or he's milk toast
Kong's like, "What in the world?" in an inquisitive tone
"This dude is racking up points while I fight up here alone?"
Straight from WWE, working for the W, see
No losses clocking in at victory factory
Scamperin' and hammerin' on enemies
You can't beat Rey clean
Because he's wearing silver paint and it's really gross when he's all sweating and you try to grab him, but then there's this silver slippery paint all over your hands and you can't get it out with regular soap because the paint he used was heavy duty

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

Money, money. I guess not, I guess not.

AND

The Swerved Anniversary is nigh. Two weeks nigh.

The Never Dones

What feuds, matches, and team-ups have Vince McMahon and the Technicolour Hiptoss Association neglected to give us in copious amounts in the past and the present day? What sports and entertainment have wrestling fans not yet enjoyed? Taking ingredients from all three brands, here is my take on the type of greatness we continue to live without.


Shawn Michaels vs. Finlay Feud
What's interesting about the Irish is that many embrace the alcoholic fighter stereotype as if the label was a badge or participation ribbon of honour. Fit Finlay is a man who embodies the Irish brute persona yet his character is missing one important characteristic. What is typical of the Irish people? I know you know it. Say it with me now--they hate getting kicked in the face. Ireland is a country bred from strong arms and steel fists. An Irishman has never used his feet in a fight because ankles, heels, and toe attacks are for sissies. Whoever fights with their lower body is a pretty little princess. If Michaels wishes to superkick Finlay in the face, he will have to be stealthy. Finlay does not prefer it.

WWE likes to start off feuds by having people throw liquids onto other people. I suggest the Michaels-Finlay feud begin with Shawn Michaels accidentally throwing holy water onto Finlay. In turn, Finlay will throw potatoes at HBK.

For lack of a better description, Shawn Michaels and Finlay will have excellent bouts. Shawn will use his speed and agility to his advantage while desperately trying to keep the stringy hairs on his head in place so we don't see that his once boyish mane is thinning. Meanwhile, Finlay will deal clubbing blows and smacks to Michaels' noggin with his meaty knuckles. A shillelagh will be there. Hornswoggle might be there. Triple H can be Shawn Michaels' Hornswoggle. He can wear a leprechaun's outift. He will wear a leprechaun's outfit to amuse me. If you are not joining the Triple H-echaun Bandwagon, I have no use for you. Be gone.


William Regal vs. John Cena Feud
Sir William Regal is a distinguished gentleman who drinks Earl Grey Tea and bathes in a tub of dry wit, which he purchased at an online Bed, Bath, Pharmaceuticals, and Beyond along with other things. In turn, John Cena once drank a mixture of cough syrup and Ovaltine while swimming in an inflatable pool of money. Regal versus Cena is not a money-making feud, though it is worthy of a few upper-card Pay-Per-View matches. William Regal tends to bore casual fans for they do not understand his European uppercuts because the accent of the uppercuts are too thick. Casual fans also do not enjoy seeing Regal wrestle because he is an old-school performer who makes big things out of little things. One knee from William Regal becomes about four knees since he performs the move with such precision and accuracy. On the other hand, Cena is a flashly performer. Young children adore him because he too likes shiny things. Little girls and women love him for his personality. If this feud were to go down, the clash of styles in the ring would be great, but promos between these two personas would make up for any weaknesses tenfold. If I were to write this feud, William Regal would be inspired by Cryme Tyme and adopt his Summerslam 2007 Dancing-Hip-Hop-Self as his new character. He would come out with his hat on sideways and pour a 40-ounce bottle of tea on downed opponents. One day, Cena would ask, "What the dilly, Regal?" In reply, Regal will say, "It's Slick Willy now, homes and gardens," before decking Cena with a pimp cup. Why am I not writing for WWE now? Because they have begged me numerous times but they have always phoned during my beauty rest; I do not like that at all.


Cody Rhodes managed by "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes
The most noteworthy feature of Cody Rhodes is his tights. They are very colourful; he stands out because nobody in the company wears yellow and green. Having interesting wrestling gear is probably the easiest way to get noticed on television and by arena audiences, but so few wrestlers choose to don the colours. This is neither here nor there nor far nor away, but if Ken Doane kept on wearing pink and black tights rather than his super charismatic plain black trunks, I think he'd be in a better place now on Smackdown. Currently, he is a ghost. A very bland ghost.

"The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes is a fantastic talker. I do not know why he is not ulitized as a manager for a young grappler or a rising star not yet polished on the microphone. Yes, Dusty tends to talk about the funkiness of monkeys a lot, but who doesn't? I prefer kangaroos, but I am willing to stand his monkey talk as long as he appears on television alongside his son and provides the goods. The possibilities are limitless with a long-term Rhodes-Rhodes tandem. Dusty Rhodes can come out dressed as a Texan oil mogul, equipping himself with a bull rope. If Cody (wearing yellow and green cowboy boots) is in trouble in a match, Dusty can interfere by tripping the opponent with the rope or draping the cowbell over the top turnbuckle as a weapon. With this pairing, a feud with Cade and Murdoch is a given. Who is the best representation of Texas? I don't know. I've never been there. What do I know? WWE would be foolish fools to not make this pairing a reality.


The King Booker, Queen Sharmell, and Their Loyal Jester Stevie Ray Stable
Due to recent findings, the King and Queen will not be celebrating anything for a few months. Why? There is no laughter in their lives. They need an entertainer of fancy humour and flighty feet. Stevie Ray should don the multicolour jester hat with jingle bells that hang at its pointy ends. He will juggle with slapjacks to the merry delight of all witnesses. To tell you the truth, I do not know the exact materials required to make a slapjack. I have always assumed that a slapjack is a black Dr. Scholl's insole, loaded with pennies or metal washers. I know I'm wrong.

Jester Stevie Ray will be the third wheel of the group, trailing behind the King and Queen, playing his bugle. He will skip down the aisle, then skip around the ring while the King battles unworthy challengers. "Here ye, here ye," the Jester will say. "Thy moveset is weaker than my Lord's sword. May he slay thou with his mighty might. What ho, you speak? Spinaroonie, spinaroona. Spinaroontie, spinaroonta. Thy suckles at the teat of a yak, I holla." Do not scratch your head at Jester's aforementioned speech because he does not take kindly to suckas. After the bout, King Booker will raise his pinky in the air in triumph; Queen Sharmell will bow to his pinky; Jester Stevie Ray will bring out the King's trusty steed--Ahmed "Big T" Johnson. Finally, the King and Queen will ride together into the sunset with the Jester not far behind, performing the Harlem Heat theme on a pan flute. I'm all for serious gimmicks. Jester Stevie Ray is pure drama. This is serious material here. Jester Stevie Ray will raise several roofs. Are you ready? Are you insured for that much structural damage?


Undertaker vs. Umaga Feud
The Armando Alejandro Estradaless Umaga is a Monday Night RAW terror. Due to his Samoan stomach tattoo, his Samoan strength has increased to level fourteen. What can he do with his newfound power and furious will? I feel Umaga needs to take on the bigger and the badder, rather than the smaller and the weaker. In the buffet that is WWE, Umaga has devoured all the side dishes and entrées. I do believe it is time for him to take on the big steak. Oh no, Jim Ross, this is no two-dollar steak. In fact, this steak is one juicy piece served on a gigantic platter. Umaga can't Samoan Spike his way through his one. He'll have to get his grill all up in it to win it. He'll have to purchase that win online, along with some other things.

Undertaker enjoys resurrecting himself up from under the earthy soil. Since he does it so much, why doesn't he marry the soil? Nevertheless, Undertaker will live again at Unforgiven. He will sit on Mark Henry, confusing him with a puffy bean bag chair, then defeat him by Tombstoning that bean bag chair into a mess of polystyrene beads and broken pleather. After Undertaker defeats Henry, Umaga needs to make himself known to the Undertaker by stealing his Quaker Oats Hat and gloating about it. Umaga will put it on in matches, grinning with a big smile all the while. In backstage and frontstage segments, he will wear it inside out to taunt the Undertaker. Finally, when Undertaker chases Umaga for the hat, Umaga will sidestep him and steal his coat too. Undertaker will be all cold and perish by hyperthermia in his cloud of billowing entrance smoke. This is but the beginning of a Wrestlemania calibre feud. Umagataker will run free on WWE programming while Underaker waits his six months to rise from the ground and retaliate once more. Although, he might even have to wait longer for it's not summer in his billowing smoke fog until about mid-March. This is a Wrestlemania calibre feud. Undertaker need not rise and shiver.


London and Kendrick vs. The Hardys Feud
Weeks before the last WWE Draft Lottery, Jim Ross showed his sensitive side and feared for Matt Hardy's well-being. He said, "The Hardys might be broken up. Matt Hardy could go to Smackdown!" Ross uttered these words without knowing that Matt Hardy was already on Smackdown. I guess what I'm trying to say is Matt Hardy is powerful like that. He can trick Oklahoman wrestling announcers into believing that he belongs where he does not. Matt Hardy must use this gift to his advantage when he and his brother feud with Paul London and Brian Kendrick.

The Smiling One and Spankilicious Jones are just as insane as the Boys Hardy. London and Kendrick wear masks to the ring for no reason. They have colouful pants. Somebody lock them up. If I were in charge of this feud, London and Kendrick would be backstage eating something outrageous, like a pizza. Matt and Jeff Hardy would walk by eating something crazy, like spaghetti. As both teams head in opposite directions, London and Kendrick would accidentally spill pizza toppings over The Hardys. At the same time, The Hardys would douse London and Kendrick in spaghetti sauce. The two would begin to fight in the halls before the battle is broken up by WWE officials. As you know, wrestlers spilling stuff on other wrestlers is what makes professional wrestling feuds great. I am merely continuing the exciting tradition.

The Hardys and London and Kendrick would feud for several months, culminating in a ladder match at Wrestlemania. The first team to grab the OxiClean stain remover hanging high above the ring wins. By the conclusion of this match, we will all know which team is better than the other. We will all know who can get their whites the whitest.


Edge vs. CM Punk Feud
CM Punk lives hardcore straight-edge. Oddly enough, Edge lives hardcore straight-CM Punk. In a day and age of drinking and debauchery of all types, CM Punk is that shining light in a hall of darkness. Perhaps it will be Mr. Punk who will lead the children of today into successful lives of tomorrow, but for now, he must deal with those who embrace a hedonistic and careless existence. Edge, The Rated R Superstar, is currently injured on a shelf with a torn sexing muscle which is used for the sex, but he will soon make his return to the ring. He is an individual who throws the moral and ethical rulebook out the window in a window store. If one man is the antithesis of CM Punk, it is Edge. Their feud is as much a given as the sky is blue (depending on whether or not the observer of the sky is colourblind.)

On the next episode of the Cutting Edge, the host will be the embodiment of all that is wrong in society. He will be drinking on the job while driving in a car which is having unprotected relations with another car. CM Punk will walk down the aisle in protest of his antics, drinking Pepsi moderately with a sizable straw. A fight will ensue between the fellows in an attempt to determine the supreme lifestyle. The months shared between these wrestlers will be entertaining, full of Edge forcing booze into CM Punk's ears, nose, and throat, and CM Punk showing Edge an instructional video about appropriate and inappropriate conduct in the workplace.

You can thank me later, World.


Triple H vs. Umaga Feud
The Kingly Cerebral Gaming Assassin of Kingly X is back and better than ten torn quadricep muscles combined. The baddies of RAW are shaking in their tightly laced wrestling boots, fearing for their lives under the colossal shadows cast by Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Pedigrees to those who oppose his viking power. Pedigrees to his critics across the land. Pedigrees to the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker. Pedigree in a pile of Pedigree dog food. Triple H's rampage tour began with a bang, but will conclude with a whimper due to a confrontation with Umaga.

The wrestling world will change forever when Triple H tangles with Umaga. Hunter's sledgehammer is mighty, but what if Umaga had a sledgehammer too? Triple H has travelled far and wide, vanquishing giants on land and superstars in space. Sadly, Umaga is a force that is beyond the comprehension and power of a normal human being as well as the limits of time and space. Triple H can spit water, grow and shave a beard with the snap of a finger, and fold his brow into infinite furrows. Alas, Umaga spits on the talent of spitting water; beards are no match for his dreadlocks; brow furrows bow down to his gut furrows. The feud will initiate when Umaga interferes in a WWE Title Match between John Cena and Triple H. From corner to corner, Umaga will run his butt into Triple H's face. Unfortunately, Hunter's nose will be lodged into Umaga's hefty backside. This predicament will be quite uncomfortable for both wrestlers. Let the billions of dollars roll into WWE on a red carpet as Triple H and Umaga fight throughout the winter on RAW, trying to separate their body parts from one another while struggling to co-exist as Tag Team Champions.


Elijah Burke vs. Ric Flair Feud
ECW's Elijah Burke has the whitest teeth in the game. When studying for classes, college students stay up long nights under the bright light of his teeth. Sometimes, doctors display their patients' x-rays right on his incisors. Ric Flair is the dirtiest player in the game. In fact, Flair is so dirty that one must rent a high-power wet-dry vaccuum in order to clean him. More often than not, WWE interns must follow Ric Flair around with a mop and bucket as he leaves his dirty tracks behind him. It is a shame that these two charismatic juggernauts have not yet tussled, but don't you think it is about time that they battled? I do.

Burke and Flair have a lot in common. For one, they like to slide their kneepads down to their shins. Do they have anything else that is comparable? I'm looking at a Viewmaster right now; I'll get back to you later. Don't go there, Aladdin and Jasmine. Jafar is there.

The bottom, top, left, and right line is that the promos and interviews of Burke and Flair should be outstanding. In an unexpected turn, Flair will say, "Woo!" so hard in Elijah Burke's face that Burke's hair beads will fly completely off his head. As payback, Burke will execute the Figure Four Leglock on Ric Flair's loose skin. Burke has chosen a very poor way to fight back yet this is what happens when his dreads are not decorated with colourful beads aplenty. Many fans claim that Ric Flair is in no condition nor age to compete. Although I agree to a certain extent, Ric Flair: The Old Wrestler is more talented and competent than most of the roster. Even the idea of Ric Flair: The Old Wrestler is more talent and competent than most of the roster. Of course, Ric will probably have to take a nap halfway through each match with Burke, but I don't think the fans will mind. Ric Flair needs his rest. If he does not get his daily recommended nap, he will not have enough energy to love the women. The virgins will escape without blood loss. Who wants that to happen?


Gregory Shane Helms and Shannon Moore Tag Team
World Championship Wrestling is like the girl I once knew who used to be attractive but turned gruesome overnight. In addition, the girl had a lot of management problems and lost millions of dollars and viewers for poor decisions. I remember you fondly, Jane.

In the dying days, one of WCW's brightspots was the three-man stable of Shane Helms, Shannon Moore, and Evan Karagias. Together, they formed a boy band trio named 3 Count. They stood on their green circles, dancing and lip synching horribly in unison. Tank Abbott was there; he was moving with the grooving too. In conclusion, I loved 3 Count. If World Wrestling Entertainment can find it in their pure soul to reunite Helms and Moore together as 2 Count (and a Kickout), I will be grateful. I will throw coins into all wishing wells for them. I will thaw out my seven-year-old leftovers from WWF New York and eat them with glee.

I do not take kindly to the name Gregory Helms. He probably bought it at an online store, along with some other items. I do not take kindly to the name Shannon Moore either, but that is his real name so I can't really do anything about that. Evan Karagias is no longer with us because he was too Karagias. Even so, to bring back two of three of the best boy band singers slash wrestlers to national television would be Christmas and a half. I propose a feud with Jamie Noble and Jimmy Yang, the former Jamie-San and Yang of the Jung Dragons trio. Kaz Hayashi can come too, if and only if he brings the Glacier costume. I love Glacier like I love glaciers. If you ask anyone who knows me, the first thing they will tell you is that I adore glaciers very much. They are a natural wonder.

I can't get 3 Count outta my heart, people. Everybody 3 Count with me. One. Two and three are coming in the mail.

Playin' the Feud: Touching Down

I surveyed 100 counts of alleged assault:

*****

NEXT WEEK

1-2-NO! I'm kicking out of my own teaser.

AND

This house paint tastes really good.

The Next WWE Play-By-Play Announcer

The following entry was written all the way back in August of the year 2005. At the time, World Wrestling Entertainment was swimming through the announcing talent pools for the next big Marc Lloyd. In my opinion, I have announcing talent at or slightly under the level of a Steve Romero. Hence, I chose to plead my case to the higher-ups. I didn't know this fact at the time, by it turns out that I wasn't actually selling myself to WWE executives but people in suits who were standing on really tall shelves. For that joke, here's my comedy license. Somebody cut it up. I am terribly sorry for causing you drastic pain and suffering.

-Stephen

*****
To my understanding, World Wrestling Entertainment is searching the fifty galaxies for the next great play-by-play announcer of our modern day. As I am a spectacular specimen in both appearance and intelligence (my pet fish told me this years ago before his untimely passing in his counter-clockwise coffin), I have decided to apply for the position. While I am not 100% certain I am qualified for the job, I will get by on my looks as I am told that’s what the American dream is all about. Actually, I don't know even know what professional wrestling is exactly. Don't get me wrong as I have watched it on the rectangular viewing box, but I have no clue what's going on. In my opinion, it looks like people yelling at, then hugging each other, mixed in with extreme shuffleboard. Call me insane, but I'd be a damn fool not to want to be a part of that. Here is what I have to offer:

(I'm hoping that the 2007 Raw Diva Search will feature the contestants engaging in a free-for-all extreme shuffleboard battle. All shuffleboard cues for themselves. Think about it--disks sliding everywhere, broken bones, and fallen ladies. If this happens, World Wrestling Entertainment must give the winner a shuffleboard gimmick. She will feud with those who play Bridge on a Sunday afternoon. If WWE does not go down this route, they will make money; I know they don't want to do that.)

1) My Skills

These are tools that will make me stand out from the rest of the pack. I believe I have them in spades.

(I also have them in hearts and diamonds but not clubs. I need a heart to live. A diamond is a girl's bitchy friend who's trying to put a barrier between my love and I. Finally, clubs are not relevant to my life. Clovers can Kiss My Ass Club.)

-The English Language (I learned English with the help of such learning aids as mathematical flashcards and this wrestler I met once; I think his name was Jimmy Snooker. That gentleman had eloquence.)

(Today, I learned his name is actually Jamie Snuka. "The Supperflew" Jamie Snuka.)

-Sitting down (I can sit down, one leg at a time, just like anybody else. Though, the significant difference about the way I sit is that every time I do so, I throw glitter into the air. I'm a showman. What can I say?)

(When Rico Constantino was employed by WWE, his finishing move should have been Glitter in the Face. Why was he released? Because his finishing move was not Glitter in the Face. Mariah Carey's movie was called Glitter. Why didn't it do well? Because it should have been c... it wasn't good.)

-Standing up (I can stand up, one leg at a time, just like anybody else. I'm usually out of glitter by the time I do this, so I throw grizzly bears instead.)
-Wearing a headset (Little do people know that the headset is one of the most difficult accessories to place on the head. That is why I use children’s laughter to keep mine in place. I don't want to sound arrogant, but I am amazing at it.)
-8 years tap (Jealous?)

(I summon the image of The Great Khali performing a soft-shoe routine with either Shirley Temple or Fred Astaire. Is he wearing a straw hat with streamers off the back? Yes he is. Disengage missiles of funny onto Haha Village.)

2) My Stage Name

I will need a flashy persona that will grab the attention of the viewers. Who is going to remember a normal name anyway? That is why I am searching for one with lots of style and flare. Years from now, it will be the kind of name that will make people think back and smile. When I die, it will say on my tombstone "Man he had a great name! I so wanted that name!" with a small picture of a guy looking envious below.

(I summon the image of The Great Khali appearing green with envy, and green with wrestling ability.)

-Johnny B. Troublesome Sometimes (This has a lot of potential, making me popular with both rebels and the cautious. The rebels will say "This guy likes his risks." At the same time, the cautious comment "Although, he has his limits and I respect that." That cannot not get over.)

(Marc Mero is a thorn in the side of World Wrestling Entertainment. A marvelous thorn. He puts frowns on the faces of WWE.)

-Crowny McBarbeque-Sauce (I read that Kingy "The Lawler" Jer and Jim Joss are announcers for Monday Wrestling Raw Show. I've decided to combine aspects of both names into a single excellent one. As the saying goes, when life gives you lemons... you keep them.)

(As you can see, Crowny's mother wanted to be a forward-progressing feminist. She took her husband's name, but also put hers in front of his to pass on to the child. Because wrestling does not currently have a character with a hypenated surname means that the entire industry are chauvinistic bacons. Now I'm being a forward-progressing critic--I've progressed that pig into a breakfast-themed delicacy.)

-Skippy Saskatchewan Scrabble (Listening to digital music, wearing baseball caps slightly to the side to resemble a human sundial, and alliteration are all the rage with kids today. It only makes sense for me to be Skippy Saskatchewan Scrabble as I can do introductory vignettes from the Regina cornfields, spitting triple word scores in the faces of people that don't want to play Scrabble. The crowds will chant "There are no more letters in the bag," whenever I come down the entranceway for announcing duties. I'm definitely considering this one.)

(I've been relegated to simply Skippy for abbreviation purposes. My name on a scrabble board only gets me about ten points now. I am of anger. If I were a county officer, I'd snatch my hat from atop my head and crumple it up all mad-like. I'll get them varmints. I'll get them good.)

3) Trademark Sayings

Everyone loves catchphrases. "Where's the beef?" "Wassup?" "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." They all blow my mind. It's time for me to be equally prolific.

-"Knock, knock. Who's there? Sports entertainment." (Anytime Vince McMahon appears on television talking about his excellent business savvy and groundbreaking ideas, he will be received with this response. After speaking this comment, I may be offered to write for the WWE creative team but I will politely decline as that occupation is too prestigious for my lowly peasant way of living.)
-"Guys just wanna have pun." (When Orlando Whatever asks Captain Lou Super Mario "Oh Daddy, don't you know you're still number pun?", I unleash this gem. Orlando then dyes his hair red and skips along the streets with John Hatman Hatfield, happily clad in their leopard print skirts.)

(Poor Orlando Jordan. Yes, he must be pretty poor these days. I bet your bindle is filled with additional bindles.)

-"This is why you love wrestling." (The statement is uttered during every match of the Visceroy vs. Snitsko Best-11-Out-Of-21 Falls WWE Championship Series.)
-"He just put his chocolate in his peanut butter." (This will be used when a heel wrestler clocks the babyface with a sweet object, such as an oversized lollipop, to the crotch a.k.a. the creamy center.)

(I know that WWE will hate this catchphrase. On the other hand, ESPN Sportscenter will love it.)

-"They're not Americans. They're Americools!" (I thought up this phrase for the resurrection of controversial characters Muhamhock Something and Cosgrove Watchamacalit. Instead of feeling discriminated against America, they criticize Wal-Mart for having strangely affordable prices.)

4) Product Knowledge

These are tidbits of wrestling that I know, but many others don't. I've heard the fans talk about all kinds of things, but do they really know all there is know about all there is to know about all there is to know? I'm not sure, but they sure do look funny. How do you chew food with only half of a tooth?

-The longest reigning world champion is Edmund "Crazy Left Buttcheek" Gillespie (This guy was a wrestler from March 2, 1965 to March 3, 1965. His gimmick was a news reporter by day... and a guy whose left buttcheek fought crime by night. He was cremated in 1993 and his ashes are contained within monsel powder. His greatest matches DVD is currently the number one seller.)

(Stupid gimmick pitches like these make me a bonafide Golden Child. "I'm Crazy! On the Left! With the Buttcheek!" his music will say à la Super Crazy's entrance ditty.)

-Every time a bell rings, an angel buys a condominium (When the ring bell sounds to signify the beginning or end of an extreme shuffleboard tournament between sweaty males, the heavenly being finds a quiet place to live somewhere on the West Coast.)

(I. Love. Shuffleboard. From this week forward, this blog will be about shuffleboard and shuffleboard-related news. Thanks for reading, fans of the wrestlings.)

-Wrestling was invented by Thomas Edison (The inventor of the light bulb and the kinetoscope thought up the idea of professional wrestling. He sold it to Vince McMahon shortly thereafter. Edison's inventions later invaded the WWE in 2001, but were defeated and buried once and for all at that year's November Pay-Per-View.)

(The 2001 Invasion Pay-Per-View will be memorable for two things. Firstly, Lita almost fell off the stage until Trish Stratus saved her. Secondly, Jeff Hardy almost fell off the stage in a match with Rob Van Dam. In history, when inept armies tried to invade enemy countries, they would fall off the stage too. This type of event is why they failed.)

In conclusion, watch me on WWE programming very soon.

(Nix that. Catch me on The Shuffleboard Channel instead.)

Playin' the Feud: Rock Star

I surveyed 100 fur coats:

*****

NEXT WEEK

Fetch me my chesterfield, Tazzwell. Young Snikskington wishes for a slumberous nap thusly.

AND

The Swerved One-Year Anniversary is almost upon us. Get ready for it this late September. Bring flare guns and an extra pair of underwear.

Diva Search & Rescue

Every year since 2004, World Wrestling Entertainment has given its fans the treat of watching a slew of beautiful ladies fight it out for a chance to be oogled at by those same fans for one guaranteed and profitable year. Past winners include Christy Hemme, who received two-hundred-and-fifty-thousand dollars for feeding her posterior baked goods, but was later let go due to the massive cost required to put her posterior through college. In 2005, Ashley Massaro took the Diva Search Crown and proceeded to injure herself on it several times over. And yes, I do not blame her for crowns are too bejeweled. In the year that was 2006, Layla El took the title and proceeded to hang out with The Miz on Smackdown television, subsequently losing her winnings into thin air due to her association with the man. The Diva Search is a competition that tests wits, agility, and the patience of many. This 2007, RAW will host yet another installment. Will this year's competition be as exciting and enthralling as previous?

We may never see again the likes of Carmella and Christy calling each other derogatory terms such as "not a nice person (at times)" and "summertime procrastinator." Mine eyes will not be met once more with the joyous sight of watching Sgt. Slaughter guide models through a model obstacle course of skip-roping, potato-sacking, and almost-naked-but-not-quite danger in a land of tires. Kristal Marshall wowed the crowd once by pouring blue paint all over her person and painting a picture with her breasts. These are the glory moments, my professional wrestling appreciating chum. Twenty years from now, we will look back with fondness at WWE Diva Searches and wonder what happened to the magic. We will be in our rocking chairs, sipping lemonade under the setting sun. You will ask, "Hey, remember when that girl Summer tried to do a kick in the air and fell on her ass?"

"Yes. Good times. Great memories," I will say while sharing a Werther's Original with my ungrateful, naive, and stupid grandchildren. "You have take it out of the wrapper first, Thurston. Why the hell did they name you Thurston anyway? That's terrible. No, I'm not in the mood to show you how to eat an Oreo. You'll screw up my Oreos. Go play virtual video games or something."

Dear wrestling viewer, do not be annoyed by the WWE Diva Search for there is nothing to be annoyed about. Truly, the 2007 WWE Diva Search could be our saviour in this depressing world. It may even start the next wrestling boom period. Eight women may spark the revolution with their tanned, grating voice glory. Let us meet the force behind the power.


Taryn It Up
Contestant #1
Taryn Terrell
22
Mandelville, LA
"A student and model, Taryn also has extensive training in powerlifting and weight training, and stays fit through rollerblading, kickboxing and drill training with the New Orleans Saints, to name a few ways. Taryn is a master scuba diver, and has done charity work with the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation." - WWE.com
From her description, it seems as though Taryn has a lot of energy. In my opinion, energy is a great tool in The Game of Life. Energy can take a person to the highest of highs and the peakiest of peaks.

One time, I finished a delicious dinner at a fancy restaurant with a fancy name. When the check came to my table, I reached into my wallet for my Visa card, only to finger through the empty slits. I sifted through the folds and flaps of my coin purse for loose change and or bills, but was unsuccessful in my attempt to attain legal tender. When the waiter came over to take my money, I gave him energy instead. He looked at his earnings and said, "Thank you forever. This is the greatest tip of all." Taryn will go far in this competition because she has loads of energy. In fact, she has so much energy that she must store most of her energy in her bra. Here, here, sister girl. You have the gift that women desire and several others envy. You have the gold that male prospectors dig all their lives to extract from the rocks. Use it. Don't abuse it. God speed, Miss Terrell.

Prediction: She will be hired for her mind.

*****

Na-o-mi, Na-o-ma, Life Stops Here
Contestant #2
Naomi Kirk
21
Los Angeles, CA
"This Canada native is a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader and Dallas Mavericks dance team member. A model and TV host, Naomi says her supreme self-confidence is what has gotten her so far at a young age." - WWE.com
I am a distinguished writer. I have won countless awards for my general writing superiority and ability to stick my nose up at others. With that said, Naomi is an adorable basket of shimmering rainbows. Some may say that they just want to take her home and eat her up, but I am not a fan of cannibalism; not even a casual one.

Naomi Kirk has the Maria Kanellis Factor working for her. World Wrestling Entertainment already has a Maria on their roster, but they could use a Naomi. Together, Maria and Naomi could form a new stable called The Babysitter's Club in which they and other WWE Divas gather around in a circle and talk about girly things like monster trucks and double pinfalls. The brunette to blonde ratio seems very low in the company. They will need someone like Naomi who can balance the ratio to a respectable level like 1 brunette for every 2,000,000 blondes. I for one will cheer for Naomi because her hair colour is elusive in the world of World Wrestling Entertainment. And, no, hair colour is not the most ridiculous thing I've celebrated about a person before. Fpr instance, Mickie James has a smoking hot left eyebrow. Oh, to be that girl's right eyebrow.

Prediction: Captainess Kirk--set phasers to superstardom.

*****

I Respect You, Brookerman
Contestant #3
Brooke Gilbertsen
21
San Diego, CA
"A self-proclaimed risk-taker, Brooke loves the spotlight. The native Californian’s interests include modeling, fitness instruction for children, dancing and hopping on her pink Vespa with her toy poodle in tow." WWE.com
Even though she will most definitely be only called Brooke, I believe Gilbertsen is a charismatic wrestling name. From a professional wrestling standpoint, other money-making names include but are not limited to Schneebly, Butts, and Poppelgunderman.

As many viewers will see in the coming weeks, Brooke is a sassy blonde. Sassy blondes are one of a kind in sunny California. Now, if Brook loves the spotlight so much, I have ten spotlights in my bomb shelter that I am not using at the moment. Would she care for a light of spot or two? Lovely Brooke is adept at posing with a half-playful, half-sultry smirk. Additionally, she can playfully and sultryryly smirk with one arm rested above her gorgeous Goldilocks locks. World Wrestling Entertainment would be quite foolish not to snatch her up, whether or not she is voted as the winner of the 2007 Raw Diva Search. If you look at her interests, she is fit for the job more than any other female in the contest. She fitness instructs children, for Vince's Illegitimate Son's sake. From my experiences with kids, all they do is pick their scabs and down Elmer's glue straight from the bottle. Brooke actually teaches them how to curl heavier and heavier bottles of glue before they drink out of them. Also, vote for her or she will continue her scooter rampage. Her poodle does not deserve to be dragged on the cement like that.

Prediction: Babbling Brooke runs through Competition River.

*****

Looks Lead to Beauty. Beauty Leads to Attention. And Attention Leads to Mindless Subtle Dancing in a Ring.
Contestant #4
Lena Yada
28
Los Angeles, CA
"A native Hawaiian, Lena is ranked No. 8 in the world in professional tandem surfing and is a former Miss Hawaiian Tropic Japan. Lena’s also starred in TV commercials and had a role in the recent movie I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry." - WWE.com
For the sake of reader knowledge, I am going to misinterpret her surname as Yoda from this sentence onward. Lightsabre mastery and old-timey wisdom should benefit her in this competition.

It is a shame that WWE has little to no Asian-American representation in their company. Sure, Jimmy Wang Yang and Funaki are three-dimensional characters that inspire us all, though I certainly do not count on them to be effective role models for Asian-American youths. Jimmy Wang Yang is not my boy. Funaki is not the number one Smackdown announcer. In wrestling history, perhaps it was Yoshihiro Tajiri that can claim the title of Greatest Asian Ever. Do you remember when Jonathan Coachman asked Tajiri (a Japanese descendant) to get him food, but it was Chinese food? Yes, World Wrestling Entertainment treated him and only him perfectly. When it came to Tajiri, his character was given the utmost respect. Someday, I wish Yoda will revolutionize the wrestling industry. Never again will Asians be associated with strictly Asian things. If we're lucky, WWE may even let her use a spoon instead of a chopstick.

Prediction: Hired she will be. I sense much vacancy in her.

*****

Even Eve-n
Contestant #5
Eve Torres
22
Los Angeles, CA
"This L.A. Clippers Spirit Dancer loves running, aerobics, kickboxing and salsa dancing. Eve isn’t just a pretty face – she’s known to be adept at solving a Rubik’s Cube, too!" - WWE.com
I am sitting here with mouth agape. Drool is flowing from seven of my nineteen orifices. Eve Torres is a beautiful breath of fresh air in a stank and dank wrestling industry. There are not a lot of descriptions in the English language that can accurately convey the greatness that is Eva. Therefore, I will shout her power to the mountains with loud yelps; they will bounce off mountain ropes and five-knuckle-shuffle my conscience. Step aside, Melina. You will be hating life when Eva comes to town, Michelle McCool. Step aside again, Melina; you did not step aside far enough. Eve Torres is the new everything. Historians are etching it official on a tablet right now.

Lest we forget her name for she will ride my waves of admiration into the main event. Once there, she will never wrestle. She will simply exist and the three world titles will be hers. The ECW Championship will levitate into her hands, drawn by her extreme eyes. The World Heavyweight Championship will leave the soft hands of the Smackdown champ and knock at her doorstep with a bouquet of posies. Finally, the WWE Championship will spin for all time. A picture of Eve's face will adorn the spinning title. Its graphic will hypnotize you. Millions of critics claimed that Vince was crazy for implying that three wrestlers could be the best in the world at the same time. I tend to agree. You see, Eve Torres is not the tri-champion of one world. Truly, she is the tri-champion of three worlds. First, she conquers Mercury, Venus, and Earth. Then, she will wear Orion's belt fashionably and seductively. Who knows what her beauty will do next? What's that new ninth planet called? Orb #37485.9? Well, she'll rule that one too.

Prediction: I can be her Adam, ladies. I can take away her pain. I will watch these RAWs forever. And she can take my vote away.

*****

Counting Jessicas Before They Hatch
Contestant #6
Jessica Hatch
25
Houston, TX
"This Texas native is a sports enthusiast who played college volleyball and softball. Jessica has also taken top honors at various fitness shows, and even plays a mean game of bowling." - WWE.com
Jessica is a Southern Belle that all the fellows out there want to bring home to mother and father and sister and brother and ex-lover. Also, she is yet another blonde in a sandy hair city.

When you're a WWE Diva, you need to stand out from the rest of the pack. Jessica, with her tanned skin that almost transforms her into a different ethnicity, fails to make herself known due to her bland appearance. Jessica, with her fit physique and bleachy mane, cuts cookies. Although she cannot be unique with the look that she currently possesses, Jessica's abilities and talents could be her selling point. If Jessica is as athletic as she claims, she will need the assistance of the type of sport that can amaze the crowds in nationwide arenas and viewers at home. What do I suggest? Jessica will need a pommel horse. A snazzy two-minute routine with leg scissor swipes and torso twirls will do. Perform that session to a fast-paced country song and we will have ourselves the next WWE Diva. Jessica does not look like a marvel, yet she can be marvelous with action. Pommel horse action. Everything is big in Texas. Jessica will be another one of those big things.

Prediction: Pommel horse it for the win.

*****

Kim Kiminy, Kim Kiminy, Kim Kim Ki-roo
Contestant #7
J. Kim
21
Catawba, NC
"A former Miss Hawaiian Tropic, this Carolinian says she’s a country girl at heart, and enjoys getting dirty while bow hunting, fishing and four-wheeling. A true fitness buff, J. is a personal trainer and loves helping others accomplish their fitness goals." - WWE.com
Like all wrestling fans, I judge beautiful woman by the kind of fitness goals they can help me accomplish. If J. Kim can find it in her super-sexy frame to help me set some personal fitness goals, she will gain my approval in this year's Diva Search. Firstly, I wish to gain ten pounds of muscle, then lose those same ten pounds. Nextly, I plan to go on a kind of diet in which I watch nothing but RAW and eat nothing but raw meat. As a third goal, I want to beat ECW Champion John Morrison in a game of Who Has The Most Abs That Can Be Seen Outside Their Body? So far, Morrison is the proud owner of six abdomen muscles. If J. Kim assists me, I think I can push out a seventh that will make the ladies scream with joy. "Inhuman," they will shout. "No, Kimpossible!" I will reply with cleverness. Somewhere on Sci-Fi, John Morrison will be shedding his tears. They will rain down on his abs. Only six abs will glisten. I will laugh in victory. Tears of joy on those seven abs, people.

Since J. Kim does not appear to have a complete first name, I will assume that "J." was written on her birth certificate. Her mother and father thought for a fortnight, wondering what to name their little pretty bundle of joy and pep and joyous pepness, but could not accurately put into words what to call her lovely being.

Prediction: J. Kim will be shipped off to Ohio Valley Wrestling in Louisville, Kentucky to work the WWE-style of names. One day, if she works hard enough, she might attain enough letters in training to complete her first name. The letters may not fit in relation to one another, but it'll get her a call-up to the big leagues. Here's you to, Jhoxuysl Kim.

*****

Frieson Temperatures
Contestant #8
Lyndy Frieson
25
Vancouver, BC
"This outdoorsy Canadian was a Miss Hawaiian Tropic Canada and has a background in martial arts. Lyndy says she loves entertaining people and her interests include horseback riding and hiking." - WWE.com
Oh, you have stolen my heart like you have stolen that second Y in your first name. You didn't ask for that second Y; you just took it. You hail from my country 'tis of thee sweet land maple syrupy. You live in a city which is also the permanent host to the never-ending Stephen Rivera Chucklethon Festival. You have gorgeous blonde hair that is long. Your chestal area is as robust as coffee is caffeinated. I have never dreamt of a woman as Frieson-y as you. If you do not win the WWE Diva Search '07 Edition, I will march up to World Wrestling Entertainment Headquarters in Stamford, Connecticut and mutter a curse word under my breath, accompanied by a hearty fist shake for good measure. You cannot tear Lyndy and I apart, publicly traded sports entertainment company. We belong together in the same manner that Charlie Haas functions as the Lenny to Shelton Benjamin's Carl, except more sexier. A lot more sexier. Get another bushel basket because there's a whole lot of hot left to be picked from the hot tree.

Prediction: Winner winner potluck dinner made of paint thinner

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 24th

Triple H vs. King Friday XIII

TGIKF
Thank goodness it's King Friday

Count down to this, count down to this Friday
Count down to this, count down to this Friday

King Friday can't grin with his expressionless face
But he can move his arms while his head stays in place
Through the openings in the castle he makes his decree
Ruling neighbourhoods where it is all make-believe

King Friday was so jolly
Hey look, there's that trolley

Count down to this, count down to this Friday
Count down to this, count down to this Friday
Count down to this, count down to this Friday

The King of Fridays
There can only be 52 Fridays in one calendar year

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

Wait, hold on a second. I can't hear you. These people over here are talking so loud about how they don't like babies and puppies and things like that.

AND

Looks like them Duke boys are starting a joint checking account.

Want Advertisements

Wrestling fans across the universe sit solemnly in their ratty couches, dressed in slippers, torn shorts, and a stained tanktop, waiting to be chosen as a worthwhile contributor to society. Many individuals crowd before their television, analyze the week that was professional wrestling programming, and wonder if they too can make the big bucks akin to the performers of today. Young teenage wrestling enthusiasts, who are the whippersnappers of our future, are whipwrecked in dead-end jobs, working for mere dimes and day-old hamburgers. Even adult appreciators of the industry wish they could be innovative and successful employees of WWE, or TNA, rather than stuck in a maze of cubicles and incessant phone ring after phone ring. Due to the current economy, which has left us mostly down and mostly out, we continue to exist under a darkening cloud of unhappiness and unfulfilled aspirations. Many of you may have already thrown in the towel and accepted your mediocre lifestyle with off-white picket fences and only 1.5 children. But, there is hope.

What or who will rescue us from the rut? Newspaper classifieds. To the ignorant, want advertisements are nothing but 50-words-or-less jumbles of abbreviated words submitted by strangers wanting to get rid of their hand lawnmowers and smelly furniture in exchange for a few dollar-dollars. To the intelligent, encountering want advertisments in a newspaper is like finding an actual coin in the center of a chocolate coin. Everyday, national and local print publications showcase great deals and exciting employment opportunities. World Wrestling Entertainment and Total Nonstop Action Wrestling even partake in the advertising of their wants. Did you know that want advertisements is how that all major companies acquire their most loyal and productive hands? No, you don't, but you should because I told you. This is your chance to make a somebody out of your nobody self. This is it. Make it or break it. Choose it or lose it. Take it to the bank or leave it with the skank. Put it on the board or live inside your Ford. You need to become awesome or be hung upside down like a possum. I'm done. I need bed rest after prolonged fits of rhyming.

Now, I know professional wrestling breeds a pessimistic bunch; years of quick roll-ups and double disqualifications out of the ring have left you jaded. Additionally, even I have tried to stay positive during times which are quite trying yet I often fail in my attempts. With that said, I was taught a long time ago that giving up is not an option in life. In fact, when all hope tries to sink to the bottom of the whirlpool ocean of despair... hope floats. Let Sandra Bullock be your guide. Thank you, inanimate motion picture. Danke schoen, Speed 2: Cruise Control I guess.

Want are in the Wrestling Want Ads? Let's take look-see and see-look:

DJ for Theodore Long-Kristal Marshall Wedding Reception
To the lucky few who possess turntables and large headphones you only tuck between your shoulder and the side of your head, take my advice and do not agree to take this job. I am one but several sports entertainment writers/mixmasters in Western North America. I have pumped up numerous jams at wedding parties all over this di-province and tri-state area. Receptions involving wrestling show general managers and Diva Search Contestant losers are disastrous events that end in much sadness. If you have never trusted me before, please take my word for this one instance and do not DJ the Long-Marshall wedding. It will end in heartbreak. There will be no dancing. Any rhythmic movements you see on the body of Teddy Long will be purely coincidental. He will be running from the dance floor with tears streaming down his face. Between joyous fits of laughter, that good-for-nothing schemer Kristal Marshall will gather his tears in a bucket and sell them to the audience Cryme Tyme style. Vickie Guerrero will be there. Nothing good can come from this gig.



Agent for Karen Angle

Karen Angle is not the first legitimate spouse of a professional wrestler to be featured on television. In the heydays of World Championship Wrestling, Kimberly Page danced funky in unison with about seven or eight other women as the Nitro Girls while Diamond Dallas signaled for the Jay-Z Cutter and downed his opponents with 99 Problems. Years later, the Undertaker was joined on television by his wife, Sarataker, in his quest to vanquish that very DDP. Total Non-Stop Action may believe that Karen Angle is great for business, but you best believe to not put your business in that business. Do not get me wrong for Mrs. Angle is a fetching woman, yet if TNA is wishing to fetch ratings with her, they are super wrong. Take this job if you are the wife of an agent.

Replacement for Pacman Jones

Tennesseee Titan Adam "Pacman" Jones is not allowed to wrestle in TNA. Therefore, we need a replacement. He can ghost tag with Ron "Ms. Pac-Man" Killings all he wants, but his feet will never leave the apron. Jones is in need of another football player who is cleared to step inside the squared circular hexagon. Kevin Greene may have cut the mustard in World Championship Wrestling, but that was back then in the late 1700s. Today, we need a fresh footballer-turned-grappler. Michael Vick, if you listening to me and or reading this piece, please answer this advertisement. Total Nonstop Action Wrestling can only benefit from signing another player with a clean-cut image such as yourself. Professional wrestling requires credibility. According to my secret sources, Michael Vick's mother's maiden name was Credibility. Justine Credibility.

Support for Big Daddy V

ECW's resident monster, who's handled by a teacher with a retractable pointer and intimidating pocket protector, tears it up in the ring every week on Sci-Fi. While he manhandles no-name opponents who wear generic tights, his gargantuan body gets in the way of his path of destruction. Surely, his adversaries weigh a combined upward of a garbage bag of balloons though he cannot squash them to the best of his ability if his pectoral area continues to sway in the breeze like falling leaves from an apple tree, leaving his mobility and view substantiallly limited. So, to the unemployed readers of want advertisements, you will be able to help Big Daddy V in his struggle to not be so jiggly if you possess the power of ten men. If you have friends are family who also have the power of ten men, they may be hired too. Together, you, who has the power of ten men, will join nine of your cohorts, who should each have the power of ten men. One person who has the power of ten men multiplied by the ten men in your group equals a lot of numbers (with a remainder of three probably if you cross-multiply and divide). Big Daddy V is in need of a gaggle of supporters who will hold up his great anterior excess through life in lieu of a lady's bra. Do you have a flatbed truck, crane, tractor trailer, or a Rikishi Bed of Hay on Wheels? If so, a vehicle like one of the aforementioned will come in handy. For your work, you will be paid handsomely in the form of $1,000,000. Then, you will be charged ugly-ly in the form of $1,000,001. The American Dream has come alive.

Basketball for The Great Khali

The reigning World Heavyweight Champion loves to play team sports. As fluid as he is in the squared circle, The Great Khali's force does not always equal fun in other environments. There are times when his inhuman strength becomes a weakness rather than a strength. In his great spare time, The Great Khali loves to play basketball and dunk on his opponents by standing in place. Although, gripping the ball can be challenge. Last week on Smackdown, the Great Khali destroyed a basketball with his iron claws. Despite what viewers believe, he did not deflate the ball on purpose. He was looking to play pick-up with his homies; his excitement overpowered the basketball. What does Khali have to do to shoot some hoops around here without smashing every basketball he caresses with his milky hands? Well, this is where you come into the employment picture. Can you roll into a ball? Are you orange and a tad leathery? Are you an official sphere of the National Basketball Association? If you have answered yes to at least two of these three questions, you qualify to be The Great Khali's human basketball. The pay may not be much (in the realm of two Khali Laughs per hour) but the amount of job satisfaction lasts a lifetime.

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 23rd

Scrappy-Doo vs. Chavo Guerrero

Ooooooh Chavo
Hi, I'm Scrappy-Doo

Chavo
Scrappy-Dappy-Doo
Chavo
Guerrero-Derro-Doo
Chavo
Played-Out-Feudy-Deudy-Doo

Doin' it for Eddie power!
Ooooooh Chavo

Scrappy-Dappy-Doo!

Oooooh Chavo-Davo-Doo!

The Question
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

Those who do not slam in the summer will be unforgiven in a series that will pit a survivor against an armageddon that shows no mercy.

AND

Dear Randy, keep on reaching for the cherries. There you go, my friend.

The Swerved Recordings: Vince McMahon

Like a 60-some-odd-year-old phoenix rising from the ashes of his exploded white limousine, Vince McMahon has returned to World Wrestling Entertainment with the vengeance of a thousand vengeful warriors. In light of recent steroid controversy and speculation surrounding the publicly owned company, and professional wrestling in general, Vince is fighting back with snide replies and underhanded responses. As the attacks become more frequent, and the criticisms are expressed to growing national and international audiences, Vince shows his brave face. His recently grown hair is his steel armour. His bulky suit is his impenetrable shield of justice. His swagger shakes off the crowd of violent townspeople set on burning his magical being to the stake. In a day and age in which it would be easy for Vince McMahon and his WWE to run for cover, they are running alright. They are running towards the enemy.

Along with his cast of oiled up, outlandish, and muscly performers, Vince is ready to dish out the hurt just as well as he has taken it. People like Finlay embody the tireless spirit of the chairman for he too does not back down from a fight. Take that, Marc Mero, and your tight-skinned facial features. Finlay will slay you with comebacks containing roundabout truths and buzz phrases. John Cena is but another loyal henchmen for the cause. Larry King has been humbled by Cena's talent for answering what is really on the mind of the wrestling fan: "How good is a good wrestler?" Good?" Vince McMahon will not back down from a challenge, whether it originates in the media or in the public. He will yell at the challenge, feud with the challenge for many months until everyone yawns with boredom, then feud with the challenge for another year, then have the challenge kiss his posterior, and then bring in Shane to feud with the challenge. In the game of Win, Lose, or Draw, Vince McMahon wins every time while he draws the loser being all loser-y with a loser face on a sketch pad made of losers.

How will he take victory to the next level, you ask? How will Vince vent his frustrations? Through song, of course. This late summer, get ready for...


The Swerved Recordings
Vince McMahon's
Ventilation

Track Listing

1. This is Vince McMahon's Jam, Damnit (Interlude)
2. Your Mother is a 2.5 Rating
3. Limo Go Boom, I Go Zoom
4. The Media is One Big Carnivorous Cyclops Monster from the Depths of the Underworld
5. Illegitimate Children Legitimately Make Me Angry
6. How Dare You Ask Me Questions Begging Much Needed Answers
7. Congress is a Bunch of Smiling Paul Londons
8. Steph by Steph
9. Blame it on the Shane
10. Backed into the Corner w/ R. Kelly (Parts I-L)
11. I Like My Muscles How I Like My Wrestlers (Big and Veiny)
12. Hunterback ft. Triple H
13. Squared Circle of Life
14. Barney Fife is an Outdated Pop Culture Reference (But I Will Use It Anyway Because It Has Comedic Relevance to Me, and Therefore, The Whole World) [Judge Ito on a Rotary Phone Remix]
15. You're Friared
16. Vince McMahon's Out, Damnit (Exitlude)

The Swerved Recordings is proud to present Vince McMahon's debut LP entitled Ventilation. Vince McMahon dons the uniform of an air conditioner repair man to rid to world of hot seats. He has not created a spoken word album, but a soulful album that speaks to you in a metaphoric manner so he does not have to. Never again will he have to answer to the curious peoples. The temperature is getting pretty toasty. Vince will be installing four units of honesty with eight settings of facts (Factual Facts, True Facts, Factual True Facts, True Factual Facts, Factual Facts of Truth, True Factual Facts of Truth, True Factual Facts of Truth Facts, and Breezy). In this interrogation room we call Earth, things are about to get a lot more comfortable.

The summer air is heavy. This room is filling up with warm lies. Turn on the air conditioning so we may feel the relief of Vince McMahon's cold truths.

What is the word on the street about Ventilation? Real nice-sounding words... like "acquiescene" or "meat". Here are a few reactions to this cool album:

"Computing aural data into mainframe. Conclusion--Mister Mackman has done it again. Fear him or he will destroy you. End of verbal transmission." - The Gerald Brisco Robot Without Personal Opinion or Dignity

"If you listen very closely, you can hear his grapefruits tapping lightly against the studio microphone. Nice touch." - Grapefruit Sounds Appreciation Society

"If they are the size of grapefruits, he should not be bragging about them. He should see me immediately. That is not normal." - Vince McMahon's Doctor

"Thank you Jesus, thank you Vince, thank you ITunes Gift Card." - The Iron Sheik

"I am just here to get embarrassed by Vince once again. There you go. Ten seagulls just crapped on my face. If you need me in a dress anytime soon, I'll be in the waiting room." - Eric Bischoff

"If each of my ears had a face, they would be smiling right now. Sports entertainment music at its finest." - WWE Fan #1054895 Being Interviewed for Television

"Oooooh." - The Ghost of Vince McMahon, Sr.

"This is actually bad, but I'm going to say it's good because it's all we have." - The Wrestling Industry Post-April 2001

Any other reactions? If Tony the Tiger was alive today, he would tighten his neckerchief and say, "Brrrr....great!" in reaction to the album. You see, Vince McMahon has also installed an air conditioner in Tony the Tiger's posthumous Frosted Flake Condominium. It's very hot outside, but cold inside. This is how air conditioning works, friend. Don't question it. Just buy it.

The Swerved Recordings
Vince McMahon
Ventiliation
Dropping Very Soon. Like, Right Now or Something.

This WWEek in Vince McMahon Commentary of the WWEek:

Q: Did you know that Vince McMahon, fake deather and WWE Chairman, is having a party and will cry if he wants to?

A: I hope you choke on your apple. Real bad.

Homer Sezings Once More

Wrestling historian Homer Jay Simpson continues to inform:

*****

NEXT WEEK

Hey, that's my novelty flying disc. Give it back, Hunter. You are ruining the biggest party of the summer.

AND

I will fight you, but first, care for some pink lemonade in my gazebo?

RAW Improvement

As of this writing, World Wrestling Entertainment is operating in panic mode in reaction to the smallness of Monday Night RAW's ratings. You'd think that this past week's episode was a smash hit, due to the main event which was made up of Randy Orton distracting John Cena by flailing his limbs like a overturned cockroach. In a study I read or may have dreamt, males in the 18-to-34-year-old demographic enjoy watching violence, sensual depictions of lady parts, and bug acting (in reverse order). Alas, no matter how hard they try, the current RAW talent cannot capture the hearts and minds of the people. S.S. Monday Night has a broken mast. Its sails are wilting on the decks of mediocrity. The crew plays violin as the passengers try to escape from the carnage on rafts. Women and children are first. We are all doomed.

But, are we really?

I may not be employed by Vince McMahon and WWE but I know what's good for the gander and the goose. If they want ratings to soar to the sky, all they have to do is ask the pilot to take them there (ex. me). Just because I am not a professional wrestler does not mean I have inadequate knowledge of the business. In fact, since I am so far removed from the wrestling industry, perhaps I have a measure of superior and innovative insight most valuable to the Stamford, Connecticut millionaires. Good television is rare these days. You have to weed through the garbage to get to the gold. Whether WWE cares to listen to me or not is irrevelant for every Swerved reader knows that I lead us to the gold every week. If they cannot see what an estimated 2.3 billion readers see, may they wallow in their mansions made of garbage with a garbage mailbox and a 2-car garage made of garbage for the remains of the garbage day.


Suggestion 1: Surprises

For about a month, World Wrestling Entertainment needs to show vignettes on their programming involving the presentation of a can of mixed nuts. For example, one teaser will show a pair of white-gloved hands presenting the can on the silver platter to the audience. The next week, perhaps those same hands pop the lid slightly open but not all way. Up until the RAW season premiere in September, droves of fans and curious television viewers will crave mixed nuts; they will want to get inside that can as soon as possible, trying to claw their persons through the screen. Then, in the main event slot of the premiere, a final vignette is shown on the RAW titantron of the mixed nut can and a clock counting down its unveiling. Next, a man in a tuxedo with white-gloved hands appears atop the entranceway and opens the can. What happens? A snake pops out. Fans reactions include but are not limited to the following:

"Aw man, I thought there were nuts in there but it wasn't in there because a snake was in there. Nuts not being in there but a snake being in there makes me laugh and is entertaining because instead of nuts in there, there was a snake in there. Ah. I still feel like some mixed nuts. Let me see that can again. Oh, you got me once more."

"How did that snake do that? I've got to tune in next week and every week after that. Maybe they'll show me how that snake got there."

"Oh my, what an alarming surprise."

The next day, RAW's rating is a 10.1.


Suggestion 2: Take Note from the Past, Prepare for the Future

When RAW was at its peak in the late 1990s, performers such as The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin brought mega ratings via mega personas. Wrestling fans adored and admired these wrestlers for they brought a level of charisma and attitude to the grappling table that put past greats to shame. In addition to the two biggest names of the era, X-Pac brought amazingingity into our line of vision. He had educated feet and the patented Bronco Buster, now popularized by Mae Young. In addition to the aforementioned, his Hansen's Energy Drink ruled our world. In case you were not aware, X-Pac invented a new way to consume a beverage when he came down the aisle with a can of Hansen's Energy Drink in his tights. Halfway down to the ring, he would take out the can, take a drink, and grin in a refreshed and relieved manner. According to a friend of a friend of mine, X-Pac's drink, in reality, tasted like a stale caffeine boot.

Then again, according to X-Pac's actions, tucking objects into your pants makes terrible things more enjoyable.

Therefore, I propose to Vince McMahon and the USA Network to find a way to shrink Monday Night RAW broadcasts into a small enough broadcast so that we, as the collective wrestling community, may stick RAW in our respective pants. If we can leave it in there long enough, we too can partake in the same type of satisfaction X-Pac enjoyed when we take it out for a viewing. Thank you for this wonderful idea, X-Pac. Let the magic begin.


Suggestion 3: We Need More of What We Don't Need

Bonnie Hammer, the wife of Arm &, and the President of the USA Network and Sci-Fi, is encouraging Vince McMahon to alter RAW from a two-hour live broadcast to a three-hour scripted punching and kicking extravaganza. In response, the writers of the show have sighed in exhaustion while Vince himself is tearing the plaid off his suit somehow. Surely, three-hours did not do WCW Monday Nitro any favours when it took the plunge into Almost-The-Length-Of-Titanicdom, but World Wrestling Entertainment is suffering from an acute case of bird flu; the only presciption is more bird flu.

If WWE is smart (they are and a half), they will change Monday Night RAW from a two-hour broadcast to a four-hour orgasmic opera. What I am asking for is John Cena and Triple H having two-hour debates about ham sandwiches and hair care management. If one Diva Search concludes, I want two more to start. Bring back every legend who is still upright and put them in the ring against eager up-and-comers. The last time we saw Jimmy Snuka, he moved around the ring like a rusty robot. Let's bring back that gracefulness. More Santino being possessed by Italian Spaghetti Sauce Commercial Actors of the 80s. More Daivari losing in his shiny parachute pants. More I say. I want Carlito's Cabana to return. The Iron Sheik should get his own psychiatric advice show called The Camel Couch. The Great Khali knows very little English if any at all, so why not bring him back to RAW for the five thousandth iteration and give him a cooking show? Every proposal in these two paragraphs is handing WWE a license to print billion dollar bills of gold on bars in bank vaults for life.


Suggestion 4: Hi Def Mos Def

As Friday Night Smackdown prepares to broadcast in high definition, it is only fitting for Monday Night RAW to do the same. Since the beginning of time, wrestling audiences have complained about the fact that weekly programs are not clear and vivid enough to see the facial scars of their favourite superstars. I have received pleas from those within the wrestling spectrum to convince WWE to put Snitsky's cratered back in HD because it will allow viewers to engage in a simulated experience of walking on the moon. If you have always wanted to visit the big cheese globe in the sky, you can with high definition Gene Snitsky. Stick that flag in there and show them you've visited it. I bet his teeth are not simply yellow, but have an amber tinge as well. I cannot wait for HD wrestling.

Critics have criticized WWE with their criticism, critiquing their decision to switch to high definition programming. Although they claim that high definition may expose botched moves, grazed punches, and missed fists left undetected by low definition shows, I think HD is beneficial. You see, critics of the universe, HD could possibly sabotage fans' suspension of belief, but phantom moves and attacks are a good thing. For example, if one guy happens to take a swing at somebody, like a fellow wrestler perhaps, that individual can or cannot sue him depending on the outstanding evidence provided by the high definition visuals. I don't know about you, loyal reader, but I watch wrestling 71.2% of the time to if see if one person can sue another for something. I don't think I'm alone here.


Suggestion 5: F-R-E-E

Desperate times call for desperate measures. The time that World Wrestling Entertainment shifts to panic mode is the time to break open the In Case of Emergency Class Case and utilize Plan Z. If Vince McMahon and his crew feel a WWE show is being pulled into the vortex of suck, they need to reach deep down from within themselves for a solution. It may be a quick fix; it may not rectify the flaws of the company completely, but if they want their ratings, they must get them with fingertip reaching. Take the improbable situation of a Major Brothers versus Two No-Name Guys match in which fans react by sitting on their hands in REM sleep. Whatever the Major Brothers conjure up to show their personality and charisma to the audience does not excite the audience. They try to pump their fists in the air saying, "Yeah!" but the viewers continue to ignore them. They attempt to spark interest by executing front facelock after front facelock after side lock to no avail. Two No-Name Guys try to file for a name change but even they are met by the wall of crowd silence. What does WWE do? What can cure their ills?

Free candy for all.

Vince McMahon needs to show up during the dead segments and matches of his shows carrying sacks of jujubes, sour keys, Hershey's kisses, and Twizzlers over his shoulder. As long as he can throw candy far enough to the nosebleed seats, the audience in the arena and those at home will be mesmerized. The people at the event will want WWE to return as soon as possible so they may get their second dosage of free sugar. Cheap wrestling fans around the continent will line up at box offices the very next day to get their haul of complimentary candy sweetness. A bag of Hershey's kisses costs about one dollar, but the rewards are priceless. Free candy for all is but a small price to pay to get fans to love you once again. Plus, if another P.R. nightmare falls on WWE, even more candy for all. Jolly Ranchers for you, Nancy Grace. How about some Tootsie Rolls, Glenn Beck? Care for some Family Fun Size Snicker bars, Geraldo and or Bill O'Reilly? It's all good in the hood.