Shaquille O'Neal is one of the most dominant centres in National Basketball Association history. As a four-time NBA Champion, he knows what it means to be a winner. As wrestling fans look up to modern heroes like John Cena and Triple H — who enjoy winning titles while joking with each other with hilarious results — I believe they should look to number 34 as their new saviour. Shaq cannot comprehend losing. Every time he steps onto the court, he is out to destroy the competition. This is Shaquille O'Neal. This is the life of a Shaquillicious superstar.
After watching Shaquille O'Neal rule Monday Night RAW for a week, I can only hope that he will return in the nearest of futures. No RAW Guest General Manager has been as great as Shaq. For me, a World Wrestling Entertainment without Shaquille O'Neal is like a World Wrestling Entertainment with Lilian Garcia — better than nothing, even though I'd rather have something. Years from now, I don't want to look back on Shaq's appearance in sadness. This can't be the end. Rap your way back to me, Shaquille. I know you “gotz skillz.”
I cannot show you how to be Shaquillicious, but I can tell you. More often than not, Shaquilliciousness just happens. One minute it’s not there, the next, it’s at your doorstep. You can't do anything about, nor can you get rid of it. Becoming Shaquilliciousness is similar to blossoming into a woman, except you're not blossoming into a woman. You're blossoming into Shaquille O'Neal. Many men before me have tried and died in the fight to be Shaquillicious. Last year, a group of miners ventured one-hundred feet underground in search for Shaquilliciousness, but never returned to the surface due to a lack of oxygen. The canary barely survived to pass this tale onto me, which I now pass onto you. I pray that you follow these steps so you do not suffer the same fate.
While I wait for the Titantron to display the instructions you will need to become Shaquillicious, dream about a world where everyone is as cool as Shaquille O'Neal. Next, dream about a world where everyone is as Michael Cole as Michael Cole. Welcome to heaven, my friend. We are currently living in a pearly-gated community.
When Shaquille O'Neal called Chris Jericho "Christina," a naming revolution was born. Now, everybody is using girl names in place of boy names. I have never called male wresters by female names before, but if Shaq is doing it, I better start. You see, Chris is a boy's name, but Christina is most likely a name for a girl. Oh, snap into it like a Slim Jim. Also, snap into it like a Slim Jimmifer. The winds they are a-changin’.
O'Neal is dropping diss bombs from his Kazaam-inspired flying carpet, which is somewhat shaped like a ghetto blaster. Take cover or suffer. From this point forward, I suggest that Chris Jericho should lay low, perhaps in some sort of fallout shelter with girl name protection. If guys named Leslie, Courtney, and Kelly wish to enter said fallout shelter, let them in, Chris. Shaq is relentless. First of all, he won't even need to alter their names to insult them. Second of all, he's up for another forehead make out session. Whatever you do, you must look out for your fellow men, who appear to be women on paper.
Shad Gaspard and JTG are the best liars, cheaters, and stealers since the late Eddie Guerrero and that other dude who keeps losing to Hornswoggle. I think his name is something Guerrero. In this parentally-guided era of World Wrestling Entertainment, the children need proper role models. At the same time, Shaquille needs a hip, professional wrestling posse who appear as though they accidentally stumbled out of a commercial for Lugz boots. As a means to kill two birdlike stones with one stony bird, Cryme Tyme is here to appease both of them.
When I grow up and become a contributing member of society, I want to be just like Cryme Tyme. That way, I can have it all: money, money again, the ability to be in agreeance with another, the ability to be in agreeance with another twice, and Kanye West's sunglasses with poor UV protection. What more do you need? An education? I got an education, white-skinned gentleman. Cryme Tyme's "Word Up" segment teaches me random words they found on Urban Dictionary. They are excellent teachers. I don't know about you, but I'm about to give a pair of positive Rate My Professor reviews. Shad and JTG get a 4.5 for ease, which is a jackin' score, I guess. I'm not sure. I wasn't paying attention to that lecture. I was too busy understanding English.
For those of you who dislike the idea of a weekly guest host for Monday Night RAW, I think I know why you do. So far, Batista, Seth Green, and ZZ Top have been adequate general managers, making matches the WWE way (for no reason whatsoever). Although, they have been missing one important ingredient. When wrestlers walk into a general manager's office, what is the first thing they want? A match with somebody. What is the second thing they want? A impromptu basketball game in an office. Shaquille O'Neal, with his Official NBA Basketball Hoop, can bring the goods to you.
The next time Randy Orton and Legacy storm into the office, I hope Shaq is there to greet them. They can argue all they want about unfair treatment, lost title opportunities, and handicap matches, but you know what? Pickup basketball games in executive offices are pretty fun. They should try it some time. Randy Orton, Ted DiBiase, and Cody Rhodes will be the Los Angeles Lakers. Shaquille O'Neal, Hornswoggle, and Michael Cole will be whatever team Vince McMahon despises at the time. How dare Stan Kroenke treat Vince in such a disrespectful manner. Monday Night RAW is the greatest show around. For instance, there's an Official NBA Basketball Hoop in the general manager's office. That’s entertaining enough.
Depending on what he ate or how long he slept, The Big Show is a seven-foot tall, five-hundred pound monster with skillets for hands and hands for skillets. Next to Shaquille O'Neal, The Big Show might as well be Floyd Mayweather. To be Shaquillicious is to stand eye to eye with The Big Show. Of course, Show may weigh five hundred pounds, but when you're Shaquille O'Neal, your celebrity status somehow weighs more.
This invisible weight gives you the extra power and strength that is necessary for making The Big Show look bad. Snoop Dogg had that weight when he took out Santino at WrestleMania XXIV. Seth Green was one thousand pounds when he punched Cody Rhodes in his Cody face. Judging by his attack on an unsuspecting Show, Shaq is large. In fact, he is so much bigger than The Big Show that he is actually made up of smaller basketball players. When Muggsy Bogues retired, he became Shaq's left shin.
Until I turn Shaquillicious, only two people on Earth can claim to retain this quality. These two people are Shaquille O'Neal and Michaelle O’Cole. In the past, I have been Cole's harshest critic. When I discovered that Michael Cole was "Shaquillicious," I realized I was in the wrong. Michael Cole has always been Shaquillicious. Mine eyes were simply too ignorant to see this pleasing sight. When Heidenreich pinned Cole against the wall and had his poetic way with him, that was Michael being Shaquillicious. The day that Michael Cole first said "Oh my!" was the first time that Michael was Shaquillicious. Michael Cole is Shaquillicious in the morning, Shaquillicious in the evening, and Shaquillicious from 4:00 to 8:00pm every other Saturday. On Sundays, he is Michael Cole.
If you are Michael Cole, you are living the good life. I hope Kobe knows how your ass tastes because you're about to give him a running butt avalanche of Shaquilliciousness. As a warning, I do not recommend non-Shaquillicious wrestling fans to force Shaquilliciousness onto them. Shaquiliciousness is not a right; it is a privilege, such as living every day as Michael Cole. Shaquille O'Neal never gave you the fist pump, Michael, but I will. Shaquillicious twin powers active. Form of Dr. Phil. Let’s get out of these shackles via absurd methods.
No comments:
Post a Comment