Stephen Rivera here from The Swerved with Stephen Rivera to tell you about the best, the coolest, the most fantastic wrestling merchandise I have ever seen in the history of seeing wrestling merchandise. A lot of people know my background. I was in the professional wrestling analysis business for days, then months, then years; you've seen my superior, expert analysis on an invention of mine that I like to call "The Internet." Although, the thing I admired the most, the thing that gets my attention no matter where I am or what I'm writing about is — believe it or not — overpriced wrestling memorabilia. In my mind, overpriced wrestling memorabilia are the most overpriced products in entertainment sports. So, I got to thinking, why keep this great merchandise under wraps? Why can't I show you what WWE and TNA have to offer their fans? I'm not just talking about any overpriced wrestling memorabilia. I'm talking about the kind of overpriced wrestling memorabilia that you can display in your homes, bronzed and placed within the safe confines of a bullet proof, glass case.
As some TNA fans may know, Don West is a salesman. Before he was a part of Total Nonstop Action wrestling, he was swimming in Ken Griffey, Jr. rookies. Now that Taz(z)[z] has taken over Don’s position as Impact's colour commentator, West is back where he belongs. Don West might be a seller unlike anyone in the business, but I can sell, too. Many people call me the ultimate sell out because I am great at selling products to anyone and everyone. One time, I sold a glass of lemonade to some guy. While that feat is not impressive in itself, were you aware that I sold that glass of lemonade in November? The weather wasn't even that hot. Plus, the guy wasn't that thirsty. Checkmate, sirs and madams. All your Monopoly pieces are mine.
To all the tightwads and penny-pinchers on the world wide web, I suggest you take out your purses, wallets, and coin purses this instant. At first, you may struggle, but under my influence, you will cave in and buy yourself something nice. As a salesman extraordinaire, I have never failed. Therefore, you might as well give your money to someone you can trust. I solemnly swear that I will use this money for the good of the industry. I will purchase decorative hats for millions of fans. I will buy confidence for lonely males. I will pay off sexy women, who will pretend to like those lonely males. Do not think that I will waste this money on a solid gold statue of myself because that is a ridiculous thought. Seriously, that idea is the seventh to last thing I would do with the cash.
Without further delay, let's make this article worthwhile to the buyer. Let's make this article one of the greatest ones that has ever appeared on The Swerved. For those of you who do not have enough money to buy these valuable items, please look away from this site for about two weeks. When those two weeks are up, please don't look here again. I don't think I can face someone who doesn't have fifty dollars in his pocket to buy an embarrassing t-shirt with a picture of a sweaty dude on it. Sweaty dude pictures keep wrestling alive, son.
Do you think you can tell Santa Claus what to do? Do you know he's coming down the chimney for you? You better crotch chop some carrots for Rudolph, or crotch chop some type of colourful garden salad. Rudolph isn't picky. Unlike myself, wrestling critics said it couldn't be done, but World Wrestling Entertainment has done it (whatever "it" is). For wrestling fans, Christmas comes early with the D-Generation X Christmas Stocking. I am told that if you hang this stocking with care, your mantle will look as though it is adorned with The Grinch's severed foot. All in a day's work for Triple H and Shawn Michaels. They'll deal with you later, Scrooge. One body part of their choosing will be missing from your person soon enough.
The Attitude Era alone has proven that Hunter and Shawn are naughty fellows, but don’t they deserve one to one thousand dollars of your hard-earned money? They told you a whole bunch of pee-pee jokes already. Give them a break for once. Feel free to let a strange old man into your home to fill your stocking. Surely, that man will stuff your stocking in the middle of the night as you sleep in your bed, unbeknownst to his arrival. The next day, you shall be in for a surprising wakeup call indeed. The preceding statement cannot be construed in any way, other than a PG fashion.
Before their online shop runs out of stock, I need to get me one of those stockings. My current stocking is not comically rebelling against any sort of establishment. I don't want to be left out of the d-generating loop.
Little children love Rey Mysterio because they can relate to him. If I was a young lad, I know I would find characteristics of Mysterio in myself. When I was younger, I ran around in neon pleather masks and baggy pants, too. Nobody wanted to play with a shirtless, tattooed child, but I knew I was cool. I could feel it in my cool bones. Now that children have the Rey Mysterio Lunch Cooler, their lunch can be as cool as him. Never again will kids have to spend useless minutes eating their meals at lunchtime. Now, they can wait until the end of the school day to eat while they spend their lunchtime whooping Dolph Ziggler's ziggling ass.
Upon my next physical fight with a rival professional wrestling analyst, I will make sure to bring a Rey Mysterio Lunch Cooler with me. Since that battle is an inevitability, I want to be prepared. Learning my fighting techniques from the Smackdown: Here Comes the Pain video game, I will manhandle all one hundred or four hundred pounds of that scrawny or bulbous analyst by jumping out of helicopter onto a car. Next, that car will explode and send me flying onto an ambulance, which will explode as well. After I am victorious, I shall celebrate with a cool ham and cheese sandwich. I will have that ham and cheese sandwich on whole wheat bread, not white bread. I’m not an animal.
Jim Ross is one of the greatest play-by-play announcers in the history of professional wrestling. His ability to accurately convey the drama and suspense of the entertainment sport to the viewer is unmatched. In my opinion, nobody will be able to match the greatness that is Jim Ross. With that said, eat his jerky. Jim Ross' Beef Jerky is made to your liking. First of all, Kane has personally set JR's jerky on fire during an awkward sit-down interview that goes on ten minutes too long. Secondly, Vince McMahon has forced Jim Ross' Beef Jerky to join the Vince McMahon Kiss My Ass Club to seal in that Vince flavour. Furthermore, Santina Marella is in love with Jim Ross' Beef Jerky. They have done it several times under the pale moonlight. In other words, this jerky is cured to perfection.
That ladder is not made out of chocolate. That ladder is not even made out of imitation chocolate. That ring is not covered in barbeque sauce. I'm not sure why one would want to cover a ring in barbeque sauce, but just so you know, that ring has no barbeque flavour whatsoever. On the other hand, Jim Ross' jerky is made out of real beef. In a world where I don't know what to believe anymore, I am glad that Jim Ross' jerky continues to be beefy. They say the grass is green, but is it really green? Is the sky actually blue, or does our heart only wish it to be so? Does Jim Ross' Beef Jerky consist of beef and or beef-like ingredients? Yes. Always mostly yes.
"The Heartbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels has been an enigma to me for several years. I never understood why Shawn Michaels treated Bret Hart the way he did. I can't get my head around Shawn's wacky performance in a Summerslam 2005 match against Hulk Hogan. Although, as I look at the Shawn Michaels Teddy Bear, I get it. I feel as though I finally know him. Shawn Michaels is this teddy bear. This teddy bear is Shawn Michaels. One gander at the teddy bear's face serves as my window into HBK's sexy-boy soul. He is not the man I thought he was. In fact, he is not a man at all. Underneath that rough, hobo-riffic exterior is a scared young one, unsure of the future.
The facial expression of the Shawn Michaels Teddy Bear says it all. That face expresses doubt, fear, and a hopeful sadness. In those chaps, the Shawn Michaels Teddy Bear is urging the ladies to keep their hands off the merchandise. In actuality, the Shawn Michaels Teddy Bear is afraid of intimacy. Sometimes, a boy toy does not want to be a toy anymore. He needs others to see him for the person he is, not for the person he is to them. It's not wonder why Whisper fell in love with Shawn Michaels. While everyone else was throwing Nitro parties, he was at home, having a raw dance battle with himself. What a complicated and fascinating individual. Get this teddy bear and you will know the real Shawn Michaels.
The Kung Fu Naki Bandana is a perfect gift for any diehard fan of Kung Fu Naki. If you know or know of any Kung Fu Naki fan in your general area, please contact World Wrestling Entertainment immediately. They would benefit from having such useful information. Even though I haven't seen him for forever, I think Funaki deserves better than one bandana. For the sake of all that is Funaki, he's a former WWE Cruiserweight Champion — the most prestigious champion in the cruiserweight land. He follows in the footsteps of such luminaries as Oklahoma, Jacqueline, and Hornswoggle. Yes. Even the living legend that is Hornswoggle.
Smackdown's Number One Announcer need not be represented by a single bandana. If you wish to support Funaki, buy this bandana several times over in hopes that WWE will make more. I, for one, urge World Wrestling Entertainment to transition themselves from the Age of Orton to the Funtastic Future of Funaki as soon as possible. They must make enough kinds of Funaki bandanas to cover an entire person’s body. Wearing many bandanas at once, Funaki fans will look like Funaki mummies. Randy Orton can only take the wrestling business so far. Of course, Funaki has not shown an ability to take it further, but I have confidence in him.
He’s the best Smackdown announcer we’ve got. Unfortunately, I continue to be weary of Josh Mathews. At least Funaki's nose doesn't bleed out of nowhere. I demand consistency.
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