As World Wrestling Entertainment takes desperate measures to retain your viewership, Total Nonstop Action is effortlessly on the rise. Homegrown stars such as AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, and Beer Money, Inc. are shining in the spotlight. Currently, the TNA Knockouts Division is head, shoulders, knees, and toes above the lacklustre WWE Women's Division. Most of all, Dixie Carter has dethroned Linda McMahon as the best looking figurehead in the professional wrestling business. Sorry, Linda McMahon. I hope you don't take this news falling down to the side of Steve Austin's shoulder five seconds too early. At least you have your honest and loyal husband to console you.
Without question, World Wrestling Entertainment is the number one wrestling promotion in the world. Then again, Total Nonstop Action wrestling is lurking in the total nonstop shadows, ready to usurp the industry throne. In the fight for wrestling supremacy, WWE will not have an easy time for TNA brings what they do not. Total Nonstop Action has two more sides of the ring, one more entranceway hole, and one more Bobby Lashley than WWE. Your move, Vince McMahon. Your move. I await the coming of the Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday Wars. On the weekend, WWE and TNA will rest, but on weekdays, you better believe they will be warring. Both promotions will put on their warring galoshes and everything.
Today, WWE reminds me of a elderly grandfather who cannot and refuses to understand popular culture. In this case, TNA is the hip and trendy grandson, playing his Li'l Wayne CDs while eating from a disposal tube of yogurt. In his grandfather's day, yogurt did not come in tubes. They came in cups and nobody complained. In 2009, tubes are in and cups are out, Gramps. Once WWE realizes that they must get with the times, I predict that TNA will pass them by, leaving them in their dusty dust. The start of the revolution begins with TNA merchandise in all its glory.
Last week, WWE took centre stage with their product line. This week, Total Nonstop Action will blow many things out of the water with their products. First off, they shall blow WWE out of the water. With time permitting, they will blow your collective socks off, but you must get out of the water before they can do so. In the meantime, cop these products like an looter of expensive underpants during a riot.
Do you like professional wrestling? How about baseball? If you are one of the millions of fans who have always wanted professional wrestling and baseball to combine into one incomprehensible sport, the Suicide Autographed Baseball is your ticket to confusion. Be one of the 30 lucky owners of this unique piece of merchandise before the other 29 owners realize the mistake they made in their impulsive purchase. Don West claims that the Suicide Autographed Baseball will serve as a priceless conversation piece in your beautiful home. Like West, I wholeheartedly agree with this statement. When people ask why you own an Official Major League Baseball with some professional wrestler's name on it, watch the sweat drip as you try to find a satisfactory answer. Imagine the amount of weight you will lose from your brow sweat alone when a lovely lady arrives at your place, looks at that autographed baseball on your mantle, and begins to question your sanity and sexuality. "Suicide” “Comes” “Alive," the baseball says? I can't think of a better way to promote TNA, Suicide’s maturation into manhood, and the act of ending one’s own life than a baseball protected by glass.
If you don't take advantage of this fantastic piece of merchandise, I will. Truly, I want the complete set; I don't want the collection to end with Suicide. I want a Homicide Autographed Baseball. Once TNA debuts a wrestler by the name of Apicide, I will buy ten baseballs sporting that man's autograph. I hate bees with the passion of a thousand romantic novel covers. Don't even bring up the possibility of an Algicide Autographed Baseball. The only thing I hate more than bees is algae. Total Nonstop Action can help me express my hatred in the outside world.
One day, you will become a TNA World Heavyweight Champion. Maybe it'll happen when you sleepwalk to the Universals Studios lot, or when you bump into Kurt Angle as he shops for discounted linens at a Wal-Mart. However you become champion, please do not deny yourself of this honour. Few men get to hold a title as prestigious as the TNA World Heavyweight Championship in their lives. Off the top of my head, I can only think of about twenty or so belts that hold greater to equal prestige. As the owner of said belt, you will gain mad respect in the wrestling world. You will be able to be as crazy as you want to be without repercussion. Furthermore, you will have unlimited access to mahi-mahi dinners. Take that, Road Dogg Jesse and or BG James.
As long as you're the TNA World Heavyweight Champion, you might as well put your title in a fancy box. Of course, this TNA Championship Belt Display Box does not come with a world title, but it's best to be safe. You’ll get that title soon enough.
Think of a scenario in which you are carrying around the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. You have to put it down for a minute, but where? Don't put it on the floor for that would be disrespectful to the title. Don't hand it over to a friend. Your friend isn't the TNA World Heavyweight Champion. He's just a friend of the TNA World Heavyweight Champion. At this point, the best option you have is to place it in this box. Some wrestling fans believe that you can solve this problem by simply wearing the belt, but nobody wears championship belts anymore. That's foolish. I put every single one of my belts — clothing or championship — in a display box. My pants are always falling down, but look how cool that piece of rope looks in that box.
Unfortunately, I did not have time to celebrate Kevin Nash's Big Sexy Tour in 2008 as I was too busy celebrating my own Medium Attractiveness Festival that year. Medium attractive bands from all over North America joined me during last year's celebration of medium attractiveness. For example, that Randy Newman rip-off who sang Rob Conway's "Just Look at Me" attended, not to mention many other huge names in the medium attractive business. For missing Kevin Nash's Big Sexy Tour, I don’t deserve souvenirs, but that doesn’t mean that you have to pass on this item. While I don't think I deserve this shirt, you are different. You were present for the tour. Even if you didn’t know you were part of the tour, you were. If you or anyone you know met eyes with Kevin Nash when that tour occurred, you are now carrying his big, sexy, and grey-haired child. I'm happy for the both of you.
Kevin Nash is so exhausted from his Big Sexy Tour 2008 that he is not ready for a tour in the year 2009. In the tour’s absence, recall the oodles of noodles of fun had by Nash, you, and yours with this commemorative shirt. Perhaps the big and sexy question that everyone wants answered is if Nash will have a Big Sexy Tour in 2010. On second thought, maybe the Big Sexy Tour is similar to the Olympics in that it occurs every four years, featuring hundreds of nations from around the world. If so, you better get ready as soon as possible. I shall carry the Big Sexy Torch along the Pacific Coastline. Buy this shirt today if you wish to be the next torchbearer.
The team of Super Eric, Shark Boy, and Curry Man made up the Prince Justice Brotherhood — a rag-tag group of masked superheroes who saved the day from the baddies of TNA. Curry Man had the power to wear a plate of curry on his head. Shark Boy had to power to shamelessly imitate Stone Cold Steve Austin. Finally, Super Eric had the power to put "super" in front of his first name. Together, their powers rivalled those of one Jessica Alba. Since Super Eric has become an angry young man without hair, we must remember better times in the form of a Super Eric 8 X 10 Photograph. Why 8 x 10? Super Eric was so super that TNA fans ate up his comedic shtick ten times over.
Super Eric did not have time to autograph this picture, but please forgive him. Superheroes have people to save. Also, superheroes don't use pens. Spider-man prefers using the silk that comes out of his wrists. Aquaman talks to sea creatures, who then type out his responses on a typewriter under the sea. If anything, Super Eric gave TNA fans an emotional autograph whenever he entertained them on screen. You cannot sell an emotional autograph on EBay, but would you want to? Or, would you rather frame that emotional autograph to place over the wounds in your fragile soul?
Samoa Joe is a one man Nation of Violence, which means that he wears baggy pants and draws on his face with a black magic marker. Luckily, being the Nation of Violence comes with certain perks, such as getting the chance to use scented magic markers on your face. On the other hand, that black magic marker usually smells like stale licorice. Therefore, being Samoa Joe is both good and bad, depending on your opinion of licorice. Although, this minor setbacks shouldn't stop you from buying a Samoa Joe "Tiki" Baseball Cap. At night, Samoa Josephs love to hunt and kill their prey with a rusty knife. In the day, they enjoy keeping a low profile as they shop for lettuce at the grocery store.
With this baseball cap, hardly anyone will suspect that you an out of shape, Samoan version of Elvis Presley. In my life, I have tried to distance myself from being an out of shape, Samoan version of Elvis to no avail. This time, you and I are going to get what we want. Execute the Muscle Buster and Kokina Clutch in secret by placing this casual chapeau on your noggin. Many fans will suspect an out of shape, Samoan version of Elvis Presley to pull off a sneak attack, but few will suspect a man in fashionable disguise to do the same. Stop trying to keep your baggy pants from falling and start living a carefree lifestyle. Hats off to TNA for this great cranial accessory. Or, is that hat >on to TNA? Ha ha. Laughter.
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