Monday, May 19, 2008

The Swerved Recordings: Vickie Guerrero

This summer, as you sweat off the many pounds of blubber from your ghost-white frame, you'll need some music to help you have a modicum of fun in the proverbial, vitamin D-rich sun. While normal people prefer to play Top 40 music on their iPod in surroundings that play Top 40 music, we all know from experience that you're not normal. For instance, you watch professional wrestling in your Mark Henry-sized pyjamas. Yes, I myself watch professional wrestling, but I analyze it for your enjoyment; on the flipside, you have no excuse. To please your eclectic tastes, The Swerved Recordings is about to release a unique offering from one of WWE's most popular divas. Some of you have been asking this woman to put out an album for a long time. On the other hand, the rest of you have tried to prevent her from speaking. To the latter group, double shame on you. How dare you once. How dare you for a second time.

If you are anything like me, you like your ears. Since your ears have never scarred you emotionally or physically, you desire to reward your ears for their sympathetic treatment. Obviously, you want to give your ears some aural goodness, but you don't know what that goodness should be as you have never bought a gift for your ears at this peculiar time of year. This week, The Swerved has something for you and your lobes. For those of you who want to treat your ears to a musical delight, trek to your nearest online or offline music store and pick up Vickie Guerrero's " The Sound of Vickie."




The Swerved Recordings'
Vickie Guerrero - “The Sound of Vickie”


Wheelchair music hasn't been heard like this before. In fact, wheelchair music hasn't even been invented yet, yet that won't stop Vickie from showing and blowing up the scene. She is an musical innovator wrapped in a musical marvel wrapped in another musical innovator wrapped in another musical marvel. Yes, you read that right--Vickie Guerrero is two sets of two musical people at once. She doesn't apologize for nothing.

Vickie Guerrero delves into the musical world with her debut release. For years, Vickie Guerrero's beautiful tone has been compared to the greatest vocalists of our past and present generations, such as Elvis Presley, Frank Sinatra, and Ashlee Simpson. If you enjoy music, take caution with her first album for her talent may be too overwhelming for you to observe. One fine day, heaven lost an angel in Vickie Guerrero. When she touched down to Earth, she began a quest to touch our lives. I thank the skies above for letting us experience her fantasticality. Let the sound of a heavenly harp getting it on with a grand piano grope your heart and many other places of your person.

Whenever I hear her voice Friday Night Smackdown, I get confused. Is that Smackdown General Manager Vickie Guerrero, or Julie Andrews? In comparison, Vickie Guerrero is equivalent to ten Julie Andrews--five Mary Poppins and five Fraulein Marias. Why buy an album by a proven artist or band when you can play Vickie Guerrero's "The Sound of Vickie" over and over again for the remainder of your life? Don't waste your money on ridiculous background noises when you can listen to Vickie Guerrero all damn day. In a sentence, her voice is a pocketful of love on a hateful day. When the hearing-impaired come across her music, they suddenly gain their hearing back for a brief period of time. In some public buildings, her amazing voice replaces the fire alarm during accidental blazes. Actually, when fire comes into contact with Vickie Guerrero's "The Sound of Vickie," the fire extinguishes itself in order to hear the album without interruption, but it's all good in the hood, understood?

Without fail, Vickie Guerrero's "The Sound of Vickie" will blow your mind. If you are a coal miner, it will blow your mine too. I hope you have fifteen minds and fifteen mines because Vickie Guerrero will destroy each and every one with the assistance of fifteen life-changing, inspiring tracks. Check these out for they will haunt your dreams in the best way possible.


Track Listing:

1. We'll Assistant General Manage
2. (The Hills Are Alive With) The Sound of Vickie
3. This Song Sounds Familia
4. My Wheelchair (Is A Chair on Wheels) ft. Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder
5. Undertake Yourself Before You Underbreak Yourself
6. On Edge
7. Roll Down Ev'ry Rampway
8. Do-Re-Me Want You
9. A Spoonful of Us
10. Make Love, Not Warrior
11. SupercalifragilisticexpialiVickie
12. Theodore's Long Goodbye
13. Smackups
14. Smackdowns
15. We'll General Manage

A minute ago, all the critics were talking about Vickie Guerrero's "The Sound of Vickie." In fact, I heard a few critics conversing in a restaurant, but I was eating tacos at the time so I couldn't hear their comments during across-the-border bites of hard-shelled deliciousness. Critics talk about a lot of things these days, but for a moment, they were talking about Vickie. If you were in the same restaurant with me, let me know if I missed anything. One day, I hope the critics will talk about her again. Until then, take a gander at the overwhelmingly positive feedback for Vickie's album.

"An uplifting journey of everlasting pain." - The WWE Audience

"The ultimate opportunistic album... to the skull." - Michael Cole

"Vickie Guerrero's 'My Wheelchair (Is A Chair on Wheels)' is the theme to the next WWE Pay-Per-View. Therefore, it is great, JR." - Jerry Lawler

"I have never met her in my life." - Chavo Guerrero

"I was once with Lita. Did you know that?" - Edge

"What is 'music'?" - Vince McMahon

"Aw yeah. That's my jam, girlfriend. Mmm hmm." - Undertaker

*uncontrollable weeping* - Lilian Garcia

You see? Do you see? If you don't see, take a trip to Lenscrafters, get yourself a pair of spiffy bifocals, then come back here and tell me if you see what I am seeing. I am seeing promise. I am seeing stars. I am seeing dollar signs. I am seeing the next big hit. If you don't get yourself a copy of Vickie Guerrero's "The Sound of Vickie,” I will personally come to your youngest child's intramural indoor soccer game and kick a colourful soccer ball straight into his or her Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. If you can't inform your children about quality music, your children don't deserve to reap the benefits of teamwork from an extracurricular activity. If you don't have any children, I will personally come to one of your grandparents' intramural indoor soccer game and do the same. Amount of fooling I am dishing out right now equals nada.

In conclusion, buy "The Sound of Vickie with a smile on your face. You better mean it too or so help me I will fix a bunch of wagons. Are you fully aware of the number of colourful soccer balls that I have? I have a lot. I am willing to part with a large percentage of my balls to get my point across.

The Swerved Recordings'
Vickie Guerrero - "The Sound of Vickie"
In Stores When They Allow It

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