In the past, I have presented several revolutionary ideas for the betterment of the professional wrestling industry. While I am aware that I am nothing but an enormously gifted and respected analyst on the internet, my proposals have been ignored and or shot down by the higher-ups of World Wrestling Entertainment and Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. The lack of feedback has not crushed my spirits, but I am beginning to wonder what I must do to get WWE and TNA to heed my advice. Yes, I have never run my own independent, national, or international wrestling organization. And, yes, my net worth is a measly ten quindecillion dollars. Despite my shortcomings, I am a visionary. Not only am I able to think outside of the box and bun, I can predict upcoming events and trends in the wrestling world as well. For example, the day before Survivo(u)r Series 1997, I played out the Montreal Screwjob with my Milton Bradley Karate Fighters (Bret Hart spin kicked Vince McMahon's head off in my scenario, but that was the nature of the toy). Hours before WCW Bash at the Beach 1996, I slipped on my Hulkamania t-shirt which fell on the ground and leg dropped my Randy Savage Wrestling Buddy. If Vince McMahon and the zany 99.7 TNA FM morning crew that is Dixie Carter and her ragtag group of wrestling minds are not convinced of my abilities, I will have to show them. In my opinion, the current wrestling programming available today is okay. Since WWE and TNA know that I love to take naps, their respective bookers have provided matches and segments boring enough to give me those restful Zs. Though I thank them for their contributions to the maintenance of my sleep regimen, I wish to give a booking hand to them. For their benefit and yours, I am going to show the world why I am the best wrestling booker ever.
Starting this week and continuing monthly throughout the year, I will be utilizing the tools that wrestling bookers around the globe employ to book their live shows and weekly television programs. Before I reveal my booking methods of mayhem, let me warn The Swerved's loyal fan base of famous female underwear and swimsuit models that these tools are for professional wrestling experts only. These specific instruments are expensive and dangerous and should not be used without years of extensive training. If you feel the urge to emulate my methods, The Swerved is not responsible for any minor or major injuries you may cause to yourself or others, any damage caused to the structural foundation of important city buildings and historical landmarks, or any accidental pregnancies. With those warnings out of the way, I will let you in on the secret: to book my company, I will be using my head, my heart, and Extreme Warfare Revenge.
What is Extreme Warfare Revenge, your ignorant mouth asks from your feeble noggin? In 2002, some British programming guy named Adam Ryland created Extreme Warfare Revenge, a wrestling management text simulator which allows the player to run a wrestling promotion of his or her choice. How does the player run a wrestling promotion? The player most likely runs the wrestling promotion into the ground by giving the entire roster an “Evil Pimp Gimmick,” but I digress. On second thought, giving the entire roster an Evil Pimp Gimmick is genius. The average wrestling fan can relate to an evil pimp because an evil pimp’s lifestyle mirrors that of a young male teenager from suburbia. In the end, aren't we all evil pimps, pimp slapping our way to personal and professional success? If you're not pimp slapping your way to personal and professional success, you are failing. Let me put that statement out there post-haste.
For the sake of timeliness, I will be using the most recent rosters for this magical endeavour. Without further ado, it's time to curl up with a good book... ing.
Rules and Changes:
- World Wrestling Entertainment will be renamed Swerved Wrestling Entertainment. In the next few days, I will begin a rebranding campaign with the tagline, "Out of this world." Mere seconds after I start this campaign, I will be given the world in exchange for my creativity.
- All Pay-Pay-Views will be renamed after song lyrics by Chingy, my absolute favourite philosopher on money, the accumulation of money, women, and the accumulation of women. Furthermore, Chingy is a world-renowned expert on the mispronounciation and misspelling of English words and phrases. He is super good.
- All wrestlers, managers, valets, announcers and personalities are up for grabs. Wrestlers will become managers, managers will become wrestlers, valets will become announcers, announcers will become valets. Conversely, personalities will stay personalities. Why? They have personality; it says so in their description. I may be a visionary, but I'm not crazy.
- All championship titles will be vacated. In 2000, this move worked for Vince Russo in World Championship Wrestling. Therefore, how could this move go wrong for me? It doesn't--that's your answer.
- I will create new feuds, tag teams, and stables. Specifically, I will conjure up an innovate feud in which two wrestlers do not like each other. Hence, I will win at life.
- The brands will be concrete. Unlike the real WWE, wrestlers will stick to wrestling on their brand’s show.
In-Game Start Date: June 2008
I am tired of high-definition suckage. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment will dish out the goods and the services, if you want. I might be keeping the show names, but RAW, ECW, and Smackdown will go through drastic alterations. I'm talking about the Pope Todd Grisham getting mad paid here. His Popemobile will be rolling on dubs and what not. The Cristal will be popping and such.
Announcers: Jim Ross and JBL: The Cowboy Hat Brigade
Tuesday: ECW on Sci-Fi
Announcers: Pope Todd Grisham and Armando (Alejandro) Estrada
Friday: Friday Night Smackdown
Announcers: Mike Adamle and Jonathan Coachman: The Dream Team
Say farewell to the grandeur and pageantry of WrestleMania. Say salutations to the mystic wonder that is Sample Dat Ass. Thank you muchly, Chingy. You have provided Swerved Wrestling Entertainment with the best Pay-Per-View names professional wrestling has never offered.
Girl, Can I Touch You Where It's Sunny?
FEBRUARY
Do I Care Ho?
MARCH
She Was Wit Her Mom In Bank America
APRIL
Sample Dat Ass
MAY
Got The Drink And Izzerb
JUNE
Don't It Look Like 100 Moons On My Wrist?
JULY
Equipped With Much Ding-A-Ling
AUGUST
Mobster Eating Pasta
SEPTEMBER
Physiology Ain't Too Furr
OCTOBER
Softer Than A Cactus
NOVEMBER
Carrots All In The Dezzy
DECEMBER
Adjustin' To Fine Meat
For starters, I will limit myself to five trades. Only fools who are too cool for school make six trades. I am cool enough for school. Also, I have knowledge for college.
1) Shawn Michaels (to Smackdown) for Mark Henry (to RAW)
In my opinion, Friday Night Smackdown lacks star power. Conversely, RAW lacks wrestlers who look like Predator. Since I run the show now, Shawn Michaels for Mark Henry is a beneficial trade that will balance the WWE landscape.
2) CM Punk (to RAW) for Jeff Hardy (to ECW)
According to CM Punk, he is addicted to competition. According to myself, the ECW has zero competition, unless you count Nunzio who makes up 95% of the competition. A change of scenery for Punk to Monday RAW will give him the adequate competition he requires to stave off the alcoholic beverages, the marijuana cigarettes, and the promiscuous sexing with the ladies. At this point in his career, Jeff Hardy has two strikes out of three in an industry that does not pitch balls. Though I still have faith that Jeffrey will make it out of his terrible predicament as a better individual, I am hesitant to trust him. So, Jeff Hardy will Twist of Fate towards Tuesdays. Actually, he will simply appear on ECW on Sci-Fi, but Jim Ross will think that he is executing the Twist of Fate.
3) Umaga (to Smackdown) for Rey Mysterio (to RAW)
The Samoan Bulldozer has bulldozed most of the RAW roster many times over. Umaga's extended stint on RAW is similar to a houseguest who refuses to leave your home, even when you force him to sleep in the tub. On Fridays, the recovering Rey Mysterio has been on Smackdown since the 13th century. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment represents a new beginning in the industry. When Umaga goes to Friday and Mysterio goes to Monday, a new beginning will be as new as something very new, such as a really old person.
4) London and Kendrick (to Smackdown) for Deuce and Domino (to RAW)
Before my reign, the exciting high fliers that are Paul London and Brian Kendrick got the chance to showcase their skills in two-minute matches which usually ended with a roll-up. On the other hand, the throwback team of Deuce and Domino punched and kicked for eternity in the low-card basement of Friday nights. In Swerved Wrestling Entertainment, I'm giving London and Kendrick the opportunity to showcase their skills in three-minute Smackdown matches which end with a small package. On the other hand, Deuce and Domino will punch and kick for eternity in the low-card basement of RAW, but they will shove too. Enjoy.
5) Maria (to Smackdown) for Natalya (to RAW)
I used to be fond of the bubbly Maria. Then, one day, she posed for Playboy Magazine and lost her standout persona forever. For those who don't know, Natalya is Nattie Neidhart, the goatee-less daughter of Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart. Because the WWE brain trust likes to sniff paint on the weekends, Natalya is stuck wrestling for peanuts on Fridays. Meanwhile, Maria wrestles in every other Divas title match for she is the only competent female competitor available on RAW aside from Mickie James (Ashley Massaro is Ashley Massaro, after all). While most fans use Divas matches as bathroom breaks, I am interested in women's wrestling. If Natalya is a wrestler and Maria barely passes for a wrestler, you cannot stop me from switching this whole situation up because I'm going to switch this whole situation up something fierce.
Professional wrestlers have to feed and clothe their families. The Swerved cares for its employee's well-being, so I will be delivering five pink slips. These pink slips will be constucted out of cotton candy and can double as a raincoat. You're welcome in advance.
1) Snitsky (RAW)
You're still in World Wrestling Entertainment, Snitsky? Why? Do you live in World Wrestling Entertainment or something? How can you live in a publicly traded, international wrestling company? Does a publicly traded, international wrestling company have a guest room? Why are you here, Gene? Are you installing cable? Are you here to fix the washer-dryer? You go can now, Gene Snitsky. Wait, why are you here again? Are you hungry? No? Are you thirsty? Do you want a drink or a fun size bag of tortilla chips before you exit? Please leave.
2) Chuck Palumbo (Smackdown)
Dear Chuck; your gimmick consists of the fact that you enjoy riding bikes. I can safely say that you like riding bikes more than you like not riding bikes. In all, your gimmick is dynamic with infinite potential, but my company does not have room for you. Without Billy Gunn, you don't look so good to me. Your severance pay will be a tricycle. My budget did not allow me to get you a bicycle, nor a motorcycle for that matter. I bought you a wicker basket with flowers painted on the front instead. I know how you dig your posies.
3 & 4) Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder (Smackdown)
Hawkins and Ryder, otherwise known as the charismatic duo of La Familia, are too charismatic for Swerved Wrestling Entertainment. I'm sure that they will find their charismatic selves in an environment that takes full advantage of their ability to resemble brothers in major and charismatic manner. Sigh and three-fourths of a sigh.
5) Ashley Massaro (RAW)
Fly, Ashley Massaro, fly. You are free. Spread those
Five TNA talents of my choice will sign on the solid line. They would sign on the dotted line, but I don't believe in dotted lines. Dotted lines are just rebellious solid lines with low self-esteem.
1) AJ Styles (to ECW)
Currently, AJ Styles is stuck in the middle of TNA. Though he is the Prince of Phenomenal in the company, he will have to wait a bit to become the King of Phenomenal. With this acquisition, Prince AJ Styles will be immediately upgraded to the President of the Phenomenal States of Phenomena.
2) Disco Inferno (to ECW)
Swerved Wrestling Entertainment did not have Disco Fever... until now for the Disco Inferno will be the new General Manager of ECW. In the next few weeks, I hope the fans contract Disco Fever, Disco-itis, and the always important Disco Gonorrhea. In conclusion, Disco is not dead; it is simply waiting to be awoken from a light slumber.
3 & 4) LAX: Homicide and Hernandez (to RAW)
The Latin American Xchange lost the E in Xchange due to pressure from “The Man.” In order to take on “The Man,” Homicide and Hernandez will attempt to own Monday Nights with the help of random, interstitial protest footage. Move aside, Cryme Tyme. Homicide and Hernandez does not understand the actual Cryme Tyme on a standard, wall-mounted, analog clock. They're guessing it's 3:03 PM Coordinated Universal Time. Are they right, or do they have to mess some fellows up? Sadly, Salinas will not join LAX in SWE because my company does not have the space for her ample anterior protuberances. Maybe next time.
5) Samoa Joe (to ECW)
I got your champion, Total Nonstop Action. What you want, TNA? What you want? Without Samoa Joe, you are Partial Frequent Action. You will bring the action in between Chess matches in the park on a Sunday afternoon.
Swerved Wrestling Entertainment's official developmental territory will continue to be Florida Championship Wrestling. I have never been to Florida, but I assure these demoted wrestlers that they will have a ton of fun. You probably don't want the worldwide exposure and big Pay-Per-View bonuses that Swerved Wrestling Entertainment provides. I think you'd much rather have tuna sandwich dinners and constant battles with tornadoes and flooding.
1) Cody Rhodes (from RAW)
I cannot sum up Cody Rhodes' gimmick on a page, let alone a paragraph. Cody Rhodes' gimmick is fairly elaborate, involving a complicated system of pulleys, levers, and an automated robot army. To simplify the persona of Dusty Rhodes’ offspring, I'm sending young Cody to Florida so he may come back better and Cody-er than ever. Do not come back until you become a boring, do-gooder with an everyday DDT finisher. I’ll be waiting with open arms.
2) DH Smith (from RAW)
If you look back to a recent article of mine, you will discover that I have big plans for DH Smith. King Regal's reign on RAW requires a group of supporters to back up his onscreen tyranny. When the time is right, DH Smith will take on the role of the Duke of RAW. Until then, DH Smith must go to Florida Championship Wrestling to study up on famous Dukes. At a younger age, I thought former WWF superstar Duke "The Dumpster" Droese was a Duke, but it turned out that was simply a scruffy dude with a trash can. So far, I have met several scruffy dudes with trash cans. To me, Droese seems to be quite Dukeworthy.
3) Eve Torres (from Smackdown)
While I was glad that Eve Torres won the 2007 Diva Search, she has done nothing on Smackdown since her victory. I would claim that World Wrestling Entertainment are daft for not coming up with something for Eve to do, though I don't have a clue either. I'm positive that Eve is a wonderful lass; I just have no ideas for her at the time. She has an exotic look in a company with numerous exotic women. She looks the part yet is not capable of acting the part. In this conundrum, I'm sending her to Florida Championship Wrestling. Do what you will, FCW. In case of emergency, give her a top hat, a monocle, and a cane. She can be Mrs. Peanut, Mr. Peanut's promiscuous wife. I told you once and I’ll tell you again: I’m not crazy.
4) Layla El (from ECW)
Insert Superman joke here. I think Layla is foxy enough to do great things in Swerved Wrestling Entertainment, but not at the moment. A few months in Florida Championship Wrestling should do wonders for her. Hopefully, Florida will turn her curly, frizzy hair permanently straight somehow. I will except no other outcome.
5) Lena Yada (from ECW)
Lena Yada will not be back on SWE television until she transforms into Lena Yoda, the Asian descendant of Yoda from the Star Wars "Sexlogy." That's. The. End. Of. The. Story. Or, in Lena Yoda's words, "End of the story, that is." Isn’t that right, Yode-dawg?
1) Chris Harris (to ECW)
I believe that the former and blander half of America's Most Wanted did not get the attention that he deserved in TNA. Sure, "The Tennessee Cowboy" James Storm is allowed to stroll around the Impact Zone in his camouflage trench coat, but I despise camouflage trench coats. What is James Storm accomplishing by wearing a camouflage trench coat? Storm does not grasp the concept of camouflage. I can see him in that trench coat no matter where he goes. Is he supposed to blend in with the six-sided ring? If so, he fails. When Chris Harris was in TNA, he had a trench coat, except it was made of white latex. When it came down to it, white latex does not make a good gimmick. As Chris Harris shows up on Swerved Wrestling Entertainment programming, I'm giving him a second trench coat that will consist of living and breathing orphans to put over his white latex coat. With a coat of abandoned children, Harris will become ECW's most hated heel. Boo. Abandoned children are not articles of clothing.
2) Colt Cabana (to RAW)
Ring of Honor alumnus Colt Cabana was part of the Second City Saints stable with CM Punk and former WWE developmental talent Ace Steel, otherwise known as the guy who played Donald Trump in the infamous Trump versus Rosie match on a January 2007 edition of RAW. As a sidenote, Cabana worked for Wrestling Society X as the old school, masked wrestler named Matt Classic. Perhaps the most important fact about Cabana that you should know is that he used Barry Manilow's "Copacabana" as his Ring of Honor theme. With his promotion to the big leagues of Swerved Wrestling Entertainment, I will reunite Cabana with CM Punk. Although Cabana and Punk will not be a full-time tag team, they will become allies. When Punk is down and out, Colt Cabana will cue up "Copacabana" over the loudspeakers. Together, they will dance the Dance of Manilow. I don't know what the Dance of Manilow entails. Truly, I'm too frightened to find out. The dance sounds scary. Scarily awesome.
3 & 4) The Cobras: Ken
Doane and Jeter, the former members of the Spirit Squad, will debut on Smackdown as the babyface version of the Cobra Kai from the hit movie The Karate Kid. In my view, Ken looks like Johnny Lawrence, the film's villain who sweeps the leg like nobody's business. In addition, Johnny once wore a head wrap that was similar to Daniel Larusso's Tenegui. Deep down, I have always wanted to base wrestlers on The Karate Kid because the film’s characters are all Miyagiriffic in their own right. Since Cherry cannot lead Deuce and Domino to the ring with that team’s move to RAW, she will reinvent herself as Johnny Jeter's love interest. At Halloween, Johnny will put on a shower costume, Ken will don a skeleton costume, and Cherry will turn into Elisabeth Shue circa the 1980s. At first, Doane and Jeter will feud, but will eventually team up when Johnny utilizes the crane technique to defeat Doane in the All Swerved Karate Tournament. Doane will congratulate Johnny by saying, "You're alright, Jeter! Let's form a tag team." Of course, Johnny will say yes. Behind the scenes, I will force Johnny to paint my fence.
5) Matt Sydal (ECW)
This call-up is dedicated to the fallen Wrestling Society X and its followers. In Wrestling Society X, Matt Sydal had an entertaining male model gimmick which captured the hearts and minds of male models like myself and the one wrestling fan out there who doesn't smell like rotten liver. With his Swerved Wrestling Entertainment debut, I call upon Matt Sydal to revive that Abercrombie & Fitchy character for the ignorant masses. Don't shop at The Gap anymore. I have no use for their family-friendly commercials. Lest we forget Wrestling Society X. I'm pouring an exploding bottle of explosive liquor for my Wrestling Society X peeps. May Wrestling Society X’s bling ladder bling bright for years to come.
Swerved Wrestling Entertainment Heavyweight Championship Feud:
Triple H vs. William Regal
Before I start this feud, I would like to apologize to Triple H for stripping him of his coveted WWE Championship. To my dismay, Triple H is only a 12-time world champion. The last thing that Triple H needs in his career is less belts. To make up for his loss, he gets to engage in a lengthy feud with King William Regal. The King of Kings versus The King of WWE is a logical rivalry that might not wow the average wrestling fan but should result in compelling episodes of RAW. Triple H will battle King Regal in and out of the ring for power, facing the King himself and his loyal and royal stable. While DH Smith is down in Florida Championship Wrestling, Princess Katie Lea and Prince Paul Burchill will serve up the kingly beatings for their ruler until the Duke makes his presence known. To bring believability to the feud, both Triple H and Regal will wear crowns the entire time. I'm looking forward to a summer of constant crown-wearing. You should too.
World Heavyweight Championship Feud:
Undertaker vs. Umaga
If WWE is unwilling to pull the trigger on Umaga's move to Smackdown, Swerved Wrestling Entertainment will be happy to do so. In today’s wrestling scene, Undertaker can't get enough of facing Edge. At Judgment Day, Undertaker will face Edge for the 475,686,458,348th time, not counting handicap matches or bouts decided by a count out. On the Smackdown brand, Umaga's will debut by beating up Undertaker's druids at the May Pay-Per-View. Man, I hate those druids so much. They think they're all that with their oversized cloaks and large torches, but you know what? They are so not all that. They are not even some of that. In high school, I was about to be a druid, but I decided that I didn't want to be totally lame sauce. You can't get girls with a fiery stick and dark attire that covers your face.
ECW World Championship Feud:
Samoa Joe vs. AJ Styles
Look what I got, TNA. I got your wrestlers, man. What you gon' do, Dixie? What you got, DJ Jazzy Jeff Jarrett? I ain't tripping. Samoa Joe and AJ Styles will be blazing up ECW like a mothertrucker. I'm talking off-the-wall mothertrucking where straight-up wrestling equals no countsies and drawing blood gets you triple-word scores. Word to your next of kin, your family friend, and your local pediatrician. Jigga what? Jigga whom? I'm still not crazy.
Swerved Wrestling Entertainment Women's Championship Feud:
Mickie James vs. Natalya
With this feud, Swerved Wrestling Entertainment will take full advantage of the truth that Natalya does not look like Jim Neidhart in any way, shape, or form. If you want to compare her to The Anvil, she's the sexamified version of him, which is both an odd and arousing claim. By moving Natalya to RAW, I run the risk of converting her into a clone of Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon, but Natalya isn't a glamorous Amazon.com; she is a sexamified Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart. Are you paying attention at all? The Mickie-Natalya feud will contain no lingerie pillow fights, nor any battles with water guns; rather, these two females will go at it like two determined beyotches at a one-day sale on wedding dresses. To those of you who are offended by this comment, go to the one-day, wedding dress sale some time. You will understand my analogy forthwith.
Swerved Wrestling Entertainment Intercontinental Championship Feud:
CM Punk vs. Mr. Kennedy
CM Punk is straight-edge. Ken Kennedy says his name twice with the assistance of dangling microphones. Could they be any more similar? CM Punk has done anything and everything in Extreme Championship Wrestling, including wrestling against Matt Striker, the best disgraced, former Social Studies teacher that ECW has to offer. At the same time, Mr. Kennedy is not up to much right now. Yes, he is having a spat with King Regal, but I don't expect that feud to last long. After he finishes losing to William, he will need direction. Swerved Wrestling Entertainment will give him direction by pitting him in an Intercontinental Title feud with Punk. The winner obtains an Intercontinental Breakfast consisting of a plate of bacon and eggs which has been hand passed from every person on Earth. Delicious indeed.
World Tag Team Championship Feud:
LAX vs. Cryme Tyme
I prefer to look at Shad and JTG as the G-Rated variant of Homicide and Hernandez. My signing of the Latin American Xchange will give Cryme Tyme something to chant about. Homicide and Hernandez don't care about Euros. In fact, they have no idea what a Euro is. If Cryme Tyme wants to cash in on that number one contender shot that they won over a year ago and take the titles, they will have to defeat Hernandez's rainbow poncho first. Holy carp from a freshwater lake is that a colourful poncho. That poncho must produce Skittles.
Swerved Wrestling Entertainment United States Championship Feud:
Shawn Michaels vs. Montel Vontavious Porter
The Heartbreak Kid is not a kid anymore, but he can still move with two bum knees. With Shawn in the twilight of his professional wrestling career, Montel Vontavious Porter is on his way to the top of the company. I can't tell you why Shawn Michaels has never wrestled on Smackdown, but I will use my superhuman booking powers to bring him to Friday nights. One reason I have chosen to make Michaels and MVP feud is to witness the visual of Montel "Ballin'" off the ropes, only to receive a Superkick in his most valuable playing grill. Once I see that event on television, I will be content with my existence until I get my own candy slash firearms slash adult erotica factory.
Swerved Wrestling Entertainment Tag Team Championship Feud:
Paul London and Brian Kendrick vs. Shannon Moore and Jimmy Wang Yang
Because Smackdown has a wealth of babyface tag teams, one of these teams will have to turn heel. If you're thinking what I'm thinking, London and Kendrick will be the ones who will turn evil. You see, Brian Kendrick is showing heel tendencies already. In the past few months, he has walked out on Paul London during matches and looks at him with a disappointed glare. In professional wrestling, the disappointed glare signifies an upcoming heel turn, next to a sourpuss facial expression, the desire to put down an area's sports franchises, and the need to eat dark chocolate. The instant you see a professional wrestler eating dark chocolate on television, tell someone you trust.
Swerved Wrestling Entertainment runs its first month of shows. Who will win the big one? Who will lose the small one? Who will be disqualified during the medium one? Keep reading The Swerved for upcoming installments of The Booker.
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