Due to WWE's recent switch to high definition programming, wrestling fans will have to pay much more of the dollar-dollar to get their WrestleMania fix. With the the latest price increase of the HD and SD versions of Stamfordian Pay-Per-Views, viewers who purchase WrestleMania XXIV will be expecting a lot more from the grandest stage of them all than a bunch of colourful spotlights and a match involving two scantily clad girls rolling around the ring for five minutes in a vain attempt to hide their lack of wrestling ability. In this day and age, seventy dollars is a lot of money. Recently, seventy dollars bought me a Malibu mansion in the hills of Miami. You may find it odd that I own a Malibu mansion in the hills of Miami, but did you know that seventy dollars was enough to buy me a supersonic jet plane that takes me from Malibu to Miami and back as well? Now that I think of it, the fact that you don't know this information is weird.
Current plans for WrestleMania XXIV are as up in the air as my supersonic jet plane from Malibu to Miami. Some fans appreciate the uncertainty of the event, while others are squirming in their bean bag chairs, fearful of what Sunday, March 30th will bring to their televisions. As a whole, WrestleMania is a spectacle that mostly hits and rarely misses. Because this Pay-Per-View means so much to the company and the industry, World Wrestling Entertainment puts in a significant amount of effort to make the event as good as it can be. Surely, WWE does not need outside help to get the job done, but if they feel that they would be better off with some assistance, their tried and true best friend is present to save the company. In the past, I have been the brains behind such successful Pay-Per-View extravaganzas as The Major League Eating Championship Finals: Can One Man Eat Another? and The Farrah Fawcett Playboy Special: Bosom Calligraphy. If Vince needs me, I can be his fire extinguisher behind that protective glass case which reads "For WrestleMania Emergencies Only." I was born to put out WrestleMania fires, or so it says on my birth certificate.
Do not let me down, Vincent. Lose me with a bad Pay-Per-View and you will lose the world forever. Let's get to stepping.
What Will Happen:
Finlay vs. Vince McMahon for the custody of Hornswoggle
What I Want to Happen:
No Disqualification Tag Match
Finlay and Hornswoggle vs. Vince and Shane McMahon (with Mick Foley: Special Guest Referee)
As much as the world adores this father-illegitimate son angle, I have a few problems with it. For one, Hornswoggle is not a kid, yet Vince McMahon treats him as if he is five years old. Does World Wrestling Entertainment know that little people do not equal little kids? Just because Hornswoggle is shorter than average does not mean that Vince McMahon (the character, not the person) should go on television and treat him like a child. What kind of kid makes a tunnel in the wall using spray paint anyway? On the plus side, at least Vince McMahon provides his illegitimate son with the best childhood luxuries. Then again, if Vince McMahon doesn't, I call neglect and indirect abuse. Brother better hook up Hornswoggle with a Capri Sun. Shoot. He better put the straw in right too.
For months and months, Vince McMahon treated Hornswoggle with tough love. He has pitted the young leprechaun against such gruesome fighters as the Coach, the Coach once more and himself. On the next RAW, Vince McMahon is set to face Hornswoggle in a cage match. While I do not have a problem with the match itself, the road to WrestleMania XXIV for Mr. McMahon and Hornilicious does not look intriguing to me. In recent segments, Finlay and Vince have been hinting at a supposed "deal" that was made between the two. As Finlay seems to be mad at Vince for not holding up his end of the deal, Vince is telling Finlay to stop mentioning said deal. Using the advanced technology of NASA and a team of ten white-coated, smart-looking scientists, I conclude that Finlay is Hornswoggle's adopted father. When Finlay found out that Mr. McMahon was Hornswoggle's biological Papa, Finlay handed over Hornswoggle to Vince in hopes that the WWE Chairman could provide the leprechaun with a better life that does not involve living under a ring with random black streaks on his face. Now that Finlay knows Vince for the father that he truly is, he wants Hornswoggle back but Vince refuses to budge. This whole custody battle will lead them all the way to a hard-hitting fight in the confines of the Citrus Bowl. Do I love this idea? Not really. Do I like this idea? Yes, but it could be better.
In the next few weeks, Shane McMahon must appear in this angle as the jealous step-brother who does not think Hornswoggle deserves to be called a McMahon. Before WrestleMania XXIV, Shane and Hornswoggle will fight each other in a match. As Hornswoggle gains the upper hand with Finlay's interference, Vince will attack Hornswoggle with Finlay's shillelagh. From a high place, Shane will fall on Hornswoggle and crush a bag of packing peanuts in the process. Confident that they have taken out Hornswoggle for good, Vince and Shane will challenge Finlay to a No Disqualification Match at WrestleMania. As Finlay accepts, he tells them that he gets to pick the guest referee. Vince and Shane begrudgingly accept and begin to prepare for what they believe to be a handicap match in hilarious ways. At the Pay-Per-View, Vince and Shane will have Finlay on the ropes. Before they go for the pin, Hornswoggle will show up and low blow both of them ten times over with shillelagh-style crutches. In the end, Finlay launches Hornswoggle into Vince and Shane for a Van Terminator/Van Hornswogglenator, then Hornswoggle pins Vince in a finish ripe with poetic justice.
In my humble opinion, you cannot write a better conclusion to a feud between an Irish wrestler from WCW and a billionaire who constantly pants himself than mine.
What Will Happen:
WWE Women's Title Match
Beth Phoenix (c) vs. Candice Michelle
What I Want to Happen:
WWE Women's Title Match
Beth Phoenix (c) vs. Candice Michelle
Note to the great people of WWE--if you must all of my ideas, give me some credit over here. To be honest, I do not ask for much. Get me a bag with a dollar sign on it and fill it with diamonds and Dodo birds. I do not see how this request is unreasonable. If you wish, let me give you a green marker to draw the sign on the bag.
Since October, Candice Michelle has been on the injury shelf with a broken clavicle. When she took that nasty fall, Candice's chance to regain the coveted World Wrestling Federation Women's Championship in a Two Out of Three Falls Match with "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon" © ™ ¶ ® ? ! passed her by. When the match was complete, she became yet another victim of "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon." Now that Candice is set to return to RAW in the very near future, she must go after "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon" and take back what is rightfully hers. I am tired of "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon" and her Fisherman's Buster, the finisher of "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon." On March 30th, I await the execution of the Candy Wrapper--the one move that will secure Candice's sweet victory. To prepare for the event, I am eating every piece of candy that I own. By the time WrestleMania XXIV begins, my candy wrapper tribute fort will be ready.
Although the Swerved believes that Mickie James is an adorable sun basket of sparkly kittens in space and deserves to wrestle at every WrestleMania, Candice Michelle needs to get her storyline revenge on "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon" before it is too late. You see, I am a young wrestling analyst at the tender age of forty-five months, but the number of things I wish to accomplish in my life before the age of twenty-five are infinite. As far as World Wrestling Entertainment goes, my primary wish is to raise my hands up, raise my hands up, raise my hands up, raise my hands, raise my hands up, raise my hands up, raise my hands up, raise my hands up, raise my hands up, raise my hands up. If "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon" does not get her comeuppance, all eyes will be on a disappointing Pay-Per-View. Also, if Maria somehow wedges her naked Playboy self into the WWE Women's Title Match like previous covergirls, I will fall from the top turnbuckle of my living room and knock myself out in protest. The world would be a better place with a WrestleMania match between former champion Candice Michelle and current champion "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon." Make matches, not war. If WWE doesn't listen to me, they are in for a world of suffering.
Do you know why we have global warming? Every time I do not get the WrestleMania Women's Title Match I want, I cry lava tears. Watch it, WWE. Don't make me start a flood, or a lamp.
What Will Happen:
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Possible Participants: John Morrison, Shelton Benjamin, Jeff Hardy, Rey Mysterio, Umaga, Ken Kennedy, Carlito, Tommy Dreamer
What I Want to Happen:
My Participants: Kane, Big Daddy V, Mark Henry, The Great Khali, Batista, Snitsky, Mike Knox, Santino Marella
I am not sure whether this year's Money in the Bank Ladder Match will include six or eight participants, so my plans will involve the maximum number of wrestlers. Last year, I thought eight participants made the match too difficult to follow. When you have four competitors brawling on the outside and two sets of wrestlers exchanging moves on ladders in the ring, watching becomes a great challenge. Message to WWE: Eight is enough. The year you put ten wrestlers into the Money in the Bank Match will be the year that my eyes leap out of my skull and die from exhaustion.
For WrestleMania XXIV, I will call it now and give the metaphorical briefcase to Jeff Hardy. A Money in the Bank victory will be Jeff's consolation prize for not getting a spot in the WWE Title Match. If Rey Mysterio is able to wrestle through his bicep injury, he will without question tear the house--roof, foundation and all--down. Umaga has no chance to win but watching him try to climb a ladder will be amusing and entertaining. Likewise, the rest of the wrestlers that I mentioned have no shot. Of course, Shelton Benjamin will do an innovative ladder spot. Ken Kennedy will look and act like a fool. Other than those occurrences, Money in the Bank will be the Jeff Hardy Fun Time Variety Show.
As you can see from my proposed Money in the Bank Match, I am looking for nothing short of a seven star classic. Where I come from (Narnia), seven star match ratings are illegal. Even so, I am willing to take the risk and give the great fans of professional wrestling what they truly want. While they do not know that they want this match, they are in denial of their innermost desire. What more do you need, people? You have Big Daddy V and Mark Henry as the muscle of the match; you have the Great Khali as the crazed stuntman who will take death-defying falls from twenty-feet ladders without hesitation; you have Batista, who is "Money in the Bank" whenever he shoots his invisible, automatic machine gun at invisible terrorists. Most of all, Santino Marella will be there. During the match, Marella will use his hatred for those who do not like babies and puppies as inspiration to climb the ladder and claim the briefcase as his own. For instance, wrestling enthusiasts are well aware that Gene Snitsky does not like babies for he has punted plastic infants into the crowd in the past. At WrestleMania XXIV, Snitsky will be Santino's punching bag. In addition, my sister's friend's girlfriend's nephew's dog's grandfather's aunt's mailman's astronaut's ladybug's president's eye doctor told me that Kane does not care for puppies. I bet Kane thinks that they are cute at first, but then become burdens when they get older. Also, I think Kane uses his entrance pyro to ward off the affection of cute puppies. Somewhere in Italyland, Santino Marella is furious.
Most of all, my match should answer the biggest question on the minds of internet wrestling fans everywhere: Will Mike Knox's boyhood dream come true at WrestleMania XXIV? Every night, I pray to the sky above to witness Mike Knox win a world title, gain a shot at a world championship, or win one single match. If WWE follows my WrestleMania XXIV plan, success will be Knoxing at his door. What do you think? Well, go ahead and get the bad pun police. I am tired of running.
What Will Happen:
ECW Title Match
Chavo Guerrero (c) vs. CM Punk
What I Want to Happen:
ECW Title Fatal Four-Way Match
Chavo Guerrero (c) vs. CM Punk vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Stevie Richards
At first, Chavo Guerero's return from questionable extracurricular actions was mediocre. He expressed his frustations with Vickie Guerrero's relationship with Edge, then made amends with the two, then formed a partnership with the lovebirds and that tag team who wear Edge's old tights and majorly look like brothers. On a recent edition of ECW on Sci-Fi, Chavo defeated longtime champion CM Punk in a No Disqualification Match to become the newest title holder. To be the champion of the modern day ECW is to be the best smelling gentleman at an independent wrestling show, but I digress. Kudos to Chavo for becoming ECW Champion; further kudos to CM Punk for dressing up like a mariachi band member in order to sneak attack Chavo. History has proven that mariachi band members are the most entertaining part of weekly wrestling television. Look back no further than early 2004 when Brock Lesnar danced in the ring to mariachi music. If I was going to face Brock Lesnar in his next MMA match, I would simply enter the octagon with a mariachi band. Together, we would dance around a Mexican hat to perpetuate the Mexican stereotype. The battle would end in a draw, but I digress again.
The recent Gulf of Mexico match between Chavo and CM Punk was interesting for it was innovative. If ECW means chucking your opponent into a large body of water, I will take that over gingerly hitting someone in the face with a closed fist. While Chavo and Punk will have decent to good matches in the future, another rematch does scream WrestleMania to me. Since Shelton Benjamin appears to be the next in line to feud with CM Punk, why not start the angle early? Moreover, it looks as though WWE wants to elevate Stevie Richards from nothing to something. In my opinion, a feud between Richards and Benjamin is a possibility. When you tie in Richards and Benjamin, the match becomes a bit more appealing. When it comes to ECW, I am not a miracle worker; I am simply trying to add an exciting dynamic to the match. Nobody is buying WrestleMania XXIV to see an ECW Title Match. Therefore, I see no harm in a fatal-four way bout. Of course, WWE will shorten the match to four minutes because of the change but at least Stevie Richards will get to show things at WrestleMania. At the very least, people should see the things that Stevie wishes to show on a grand stage. His things are worth showing. His things are worth seeing, whatever they are. I'm guessing he has rare pogs.
What surprises await wrestling fans at the biggest event of 2008? I don't know. I'm not a psychic, nor a garbage man. If I had to guess the unexpected, I would predict the following:
- This year, the WWE Hall of Fame will induct influential figures such as Mae Young, Gordon Solie, Rocky Johnson, and Peter Maivia. Johnson and Maivia will be inducted by The Rock. For my WWE Hall of Fame, I pick "Das Wunderkind" Alex Wright (Disco Inferno as presenter), Kenzo Suzuki (Rene Dupree as presenter), and the Swerved (God as presenter). All inductees will accompanied to the stage by Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse and Mighty Mouse for no particular reason. If you do not think God would present the Swerved as an inductee, let me tell you that the man upstairs is a fan of my dream matches. He finds them light, amusing and non-threatening.
- Maria will come out and greet Orlando with free copies of Playboy. In turn, Santino will snatch the copies from the fans and be ever so perturbed. Finally, Stone Cold Steve Austin will show up, compliment Maria, then stun Santino (for the second time) into a pile of Playboy magazines. Santino will weep, swimming in the pictorial sea of Maria nakedness, reminiscing about their time on the tea cups at Disney World.
- Some professional athlete from Orlando will be shown in the crowd. For instance, maybe Dwight Howard, star center of the Orlando Magic and 2008 All-Star Slam Dunk Champion, will be seated front row and give peace signs to the camera. Meanwhile, the camera will stay on Dwight for longer than it should, making Dwight and the viewers watching at home quite uncomfortable.
- In the main event, Triple H will nail the Pedigree on Randy Orton. As an exhuasted Triple H crawls over to cover him, John Cena will execute the STFU on Orton. Randy will tap out in Triple H's face. This ending will spark a lengthy feud between John Cena, the new champion, and Triple H, livid that Cena took the belt before he could. Also, "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon."
- CM Punk will throw Chavo Guerrero into Universal Studios. Chavo will be forced into the line of the next TNA Impact taping.
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