Monday, May 03, 2010

Comical: WWE Heroes #1


Without question, the good people of World Wrestling Entertainment have perfected the entertaining art of professional wrestling. Unlike their competition, Vince McMahon has built and maintained a multi-million-dollar product that is here to stay. Now that they have conquered the wrestling industry, what more could they do? If you said comic books, you must be a witch. As villagers set you on fire in their village square, I would like to congratulate you on a fantastic guess. While you're painfully burning at the stake, feel free to give me any stock tips you might have. Although, please speak up for it will be difficult to hear you over the crackling flames.

The marriage between WWE and comics is long overdue. For years, WWE Superstars have proven themselves to be larger-than-life characters with dynamic personalities and supernatural abilities. By now, one could argue that the fine men and women of WWE are better than the superheroes in your average comic book. Superman can fly and run pretty fast, but how fast is he in jean shorts? Spider-man can climb buildings and shoot webs from his wrists, but when was the last time he shot sledgehammers from his wrists?

I think it's about time that hidden talents like John Cena and Triple H get their chance to shine in the spotlight. With WWE Heroes, wrestling and comic book fans alike will learn how super these men truly are. As for myself, I don't read comic books because girls talk to me, but I am willing to make an exception. For the next few weeks, I will be a comic boy in a comic world. I will be wrapped in something nerdy. It will be fantastic, yet also nerdy.

A wise, old, fictional woman in a okay superhero movie about Willem Dafoe's love for throwing pumpkins at things once told me that great power and great responsibility go hand in hand. Because I only take advice from these type of women in these type of movies, I shall do my part in my analysis of WWE Heroes. I spent upwards of eight dollars on these comics, so they better be worth eight trips to the dollar store. If not, I will be mad.



Kelly Kelly and Michelle McCool are protecting Triple H, or are they protecting Triple H from you?


"And On The Third Day, There Was Blood."

Two guys who look like Triple H are fighting in front of a volcano. I am going to assume that they are fighting over the volcano. One of the Triple H look-alikes uses a rock to hit the other in the face. On the first day, the volcano told one of the Triple Hs that he loved him. On the second day, the volcano expressed his admiration for the second Triple H. This volcano is a playa, y'all. He got two baby mommas.


"And With That Betrayal, The Entire Course of History Shifted Away From Our Lord..."

The grudge between these two brothers — "The Firstborn" and "The King of Shadows" — is compared to the rivalry between The Undertaker and Kane. At some point during their eternal feud, "The Firstborn" must have low blowed his brother, just like how Kane low blowed The Undertaker (as depicted in the comic). After shoving his brother's face in a pit of lava, The Firstborn walks away, expecting payback from The King of Shadows at a later date. Boys will be boys.

If your brother low blows you, I think the joke is on him, though. He had to touch your dangly parts with his forearm, which is almost as bad as getting your face melted by hot molten lava.




"Let The Sum of This Pain Become Too Great for The Firstborn to Ignore."

In a fiery church, Reverend Mr. Clean speaks to his Caucasian congregation. He urges them to wreak havoc in the name of The King of Shadows, indirectly causing pain to his brother. If all goes according to plan, The Firstborn will reveal himself and say, "Hey. What's going on over there? Cut it out, you guys. I'm watching MTV Teen Cribs."

As the congregation leaves, a muscular shape shows up behind Reverend Mr. Clean and gets his attention. Reverend Mr. Clean looks intrigued and aroused, which is what happens to you after several lonely years of cleaning other people's dirty kitchens.



"As Your Synapses Cool and Your Brain Begins to Rot, So Shall I Rip The Memories From Your Little Mind."

In a golden version of Triple H's Barbarian-like armour, The King of Shadows confronts Reverend Mr. Clean. He asks him why he has failed to find The Firstborn. Like Two-Face, half of The King of Shadows' face has been horribly scarred. Unlike Two-Face, I think that The King of Shadows' career is alive and well, King.

The King of Shadows ends Reverend Mr. Clean's life through one-handed strangulation. The Arm and the Hammer from the Arm & Hammer logo are next. Thankfully, Toilet Duck is safe.



"Camelot is Out of Your Reach. You'll Find Nothing Here But Death At My Hands."

We leap forward in time to the year 720 AD, where horses and knights are quietly sleeping on a grassy field. Among the tired masses, The King of Shadows meets his brother. The Firstborn reveals that The King of Shadows destroyed Rome, but will not be able to destroy him, nor his kingdom. Apparently, The Firstborn is King Arthur in this time period. Meanwhile, The King of Shadows stole stuff from a wizard and became Mordred. In Arthurian legend, Mordred was a traitor with a melted Triple H face.



"Stay Out of My Way, Hardy. Orton is Mine."

The battle between The King of Shadows and The Knights of the Round Table is juxtaposed with Batista volunteering to beat up Randy Orton. Sure. Why not?

A blonde Matt Hardy in the best shape of his life, a skeptical Kofi Kingston, the love child of Orlando Jordan and R-Truth, and an unimpressed Drew McIntyre have his back, but Batista wants none of it. He already has his hands filled with two things. Each hand is filled with an ass kicking, but at least one holds a toy as well.




"FOOL!"

FOOL!


"His Fear of My Wrath Has Caused The Firstborn To Don The Guise of a Clown"

Back at the fiery church, The King of Shadows continues to yell at the lifeless body of Reverend Mr. Clean. Due to the lava accident, The King of Shadows' vision is not as good as it used to be. He has 30% vision in his left eye. This impairment is making it difficult for him in his quest to find the fiery church exit.

Shaking Reverend Mr. Clean in the air, The King of Shadows claims that The Firstborn is out there, donning a disguise to deceive them all. If I had to guess, I think The Firstborn is wandering around as either Cactus First or Dude Born.




"The Dead Are Rising. I've Never Seen A Battle Like This."

In the year 1501 AD, soldiers are fighting radioactive cheetahs. At least these radioactive cheetahs have the decency to wear loincloths. Otherwise, I don't believe I could tolerate their violent behaviour.

This century, The King of Shadows is a Mayan king, raising his arms like Triple H. In a soldier’s uniform, The Firstborn runs at his brother like John Cena (if John Cena had a tiny head). On the Aztec pyramid steps, the brothers fight while Hunter and Cena wrestle in the present. The brothers' battle ends with The Firstborn throwing The King of Shadows off the pyramid. In the ring, Cena throws Triple H over the top rope. These fights are similar because Triple H and John Cena are brothers from different mothers.



"Slavery. Is. Wrong. Brother."

We fast forward to 1864 AD as The King of Shadows and The Firstborn fight during the Civil War. Fighting for the Union has turned The Firstborn into Hulk Hogan. The comic compares this fight to a match between The Undertaker and Edge. One day, The Undertaker wanted to achieve independence for Hell's Gate, but Edge wanted none of that. Hell's Gate was and continues to be everyone's gate. Please share.

Allies try to escort General Firstborn off the battlefield, but The King of Shadows grabs a hold of him and continues the fight. He welcomes the general to a new world of shadows and pain, also known as the canopy of a stranger's van. As The Undertaker pins Edge in the present, General Firstborn retaliates with a sleeper hold on The King of Shadows in the past. History books never told me about rest holds in war. History books lied to me.



"He Continues To Elude Me, Josiah — But My Brother Is Not As Clever As He May Believe."

Reverend Mr. Clean has been dead for a while now, but The King of Shadows can't stop talking to him. A dead Reverend Mr. Clean is a pretty good listener. Even though he can't stop rolling his eyes, the amount of sassy talkback is held to a minimum.

Time-travelling through the ages, The King of Shadows has deemed that none of his adversaries is actually his brother. Well, that was time well spent, The King of Shadows. Letting his hatred for The Firstborn guide him, he travels to the year 1944 AD for World War II.




"How's My Size Twelve Feel, Klaus?"

The King of Shadows finds his fallen brother in the sea of bodies and helps him to his feet. Following a brief scuffle, The King of Shadows sends some sort of aqua-coloured beam from his hands to The Firstborn's sternum, creating a vortex.

This World War II fight is equal to the triple threat match at WrestleMania XXIV, which featured John Cena, Triple H and Randy Orton. Even in comic books, John Cena can't stop wearing hats.



"Death is Surprisingly Sweet, Is It Not? I've Had Countless Lives To Get Used To This Stench."

The aqua-coloured vortex in The Firstborn's chest increases in size, but that does not stop him from choking out his brother. Once he is reborn, The Firstborn vows vengeance to counter The King of Shadows' vengeful actions.

Panels later, his aqua-coloured vortex catches fire, leading to The Firstborn collapsing onto The King of Shadow's body during his final breaths. Next time, The Firstborn better keep his aqua-coloured vortexes in check.



"The Fire of My Hatred Has Lit The Way. The Firstborn Has Been Found."

In an act of retroactive continuity, John Cena pins Triple H at WrestleMania XXIV. Returning to the fiery church, a smiling King of Shadows is happy to have found his brother. He appreciates this find so much that he allows Reverend Mr. Clean to live. In his "un-life," Reverend Mr. Clean gives up some of his facial jewelry for one panel, then recovers it in the final panel on the page.

With his shiny jewelry back on his face, Reverend Mr. Clean agrees to do The King of Shadows' bidding. Get him the souls of The Firstborn and Jared from Subway.



The Verdict:






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