Stepping down as the CEO of WWE, Linda McMahon is ready to step up and take on the man. She is not a career politician, but she sure is a career ass whooper. She knows how to stomp mud holes in places that do have such holes. Using her charisma, magnetic personality, and impressive physical strength, Linda is going to fly herself down to Washington D.C. and make many names for herself. One of those names is political legend. Another one of those names is immortal senator. Also, they'll probably call her Lindz for short, which is cool, she guesses. Whatever you call her, she'll be child-rearing the underworld, also known as raising hell.
Unlike those stiff suits in the capital, Linda knows the struggles of the common man or woman. Years ago, she was nothing, only to make herself into something. Her family may have millions of dollars in their golden bank accounts, but she's like the rest of you. Every day, she puts on one pant leg at a time. Next, she puts on one shoe at a time. Forgetting to put on a top like the common man or woman, Linda heads out the door. Cleaning off the dirt from her naked lady mud flaps, she gets in her pick-up truck. What does she do in that pick-up truck? She listens to some Backstreet Boys. Apparently, they are back, alright. Linda is here for you because she is you — the valued American individual.
The first thing Linda McMahon wants done is to get that piece of crap out of her senate. Actually, she doesn't just want to get him out of her senate, but wants him out of Connecticut. Why, you ask? Because Linda McMahon has proved, son, — without a shadow of a doubt — that Christopher Dodd ain't got what it takes anymore. He sits there with his legislative power and he votes yay or nay, yet that didn't get him anywhere. He talks about his propositions, talks about creating and revising laws. He talks about his Dodd 3:16. Well, Linda 3:16 said she just took his seat. All Christopher has to do now is to go buy him a cheap donkey and try to ride his Democratic ass out of her sight. As the Republican representative of Connecticut, Linda is serving notice to every single one of the senate superstars. She doesn't give a damn what they are. They are all in her rolodex, and that's Stone Cold Linda's rolodex. And Linda is fixing to contact all of them… with her fists.
As far as this upcoming election is considered, son, Linda doesn't give a damn whether Dodd gets to hobnob with Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, Yo Yo Mama, or a gigantic llama. Linda McMahon's time has come. When she gets that shot, you're looking at the next member of the U.S. Senate. And that's the cushioned chair because Linda McMahon will win the right to sit on it.
Linda McMahon doesn't give a damn if Jim Ross has one ball, two balls, or a large children's ball pit full of balls. If she wants the job done, she has no choice but to stick her Payless pump right into Good Ol' JR's Oklahoma state line. She's going for the extra point somewhere around the 40-plus-yard line. Linda is doing this for her state. Listen up, Connecticut; if you keep Senator Dodd in the U.S. Senate, who will be there to kick Jim Ross in the testicles? Nobody. That's who. Vote Linda McMahon for the United States Senate. She's on the ball.
As we all know, Linda McMahon is a beast. Her animalistic attitude inside and outside of the ring has proven that she always means serious business (as opposed to serious pleasure). Since she can dish it out like the best of them, she can take a bunch of punishment, too. Let's say her own daughter were to slap her in the face. Of course, World Wrestling Entertainment would never let that happen. Regardless, Linda McMahon wouldn't flinch. She would take it like a good mother would. If Linda McMahon concentrates hard enough, she may be able to shape-shift her cheek into a open hand of her own and slap back. She is that good. Linda for Senate 2010: A Linda McMahon in Washington equals a better tomorrow in Connecticut.
Here we go, people. Oh, no she is not going to do such a thing, except that she is. The hypothetical slappee shall become the slapper. Revenge is a dish best served as a hand to the face. If you have been an avid watcher of WWE in the past decade, you have seen Stephanie McMahon attack her mother with what I like to call "Open Fist Punches." Well those attacks were fine and dandy, but a mother knows that no open fist punch is sweeter than one unto the daughter.
When you grow up, turn into a middle-aged woman, and have children of your own, I bet you hope to open-fist punch your daughter in the face on national television. With these attacks on video, you and your family could relive such special moments at a later time. In place of a stack of photo albums, you would own piles upon piles of DVDs that show yourself pummelling your kin with open palms. I think Linda is on to something with this child abuse strategy. Child services in Connecticut are liking it. Linda McMahon: Open-fist punching the children of our future in their faces.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with WrestleMania X-Seven, it was arguably the best WrestleMania of all time. To compare it to something that the general public knows, WrestleMania X-Seven was the American Idol: Results Show to American Idol. Austin versus The Rock didn't get any better than this particular WrestleMania. In addition, you had a fantastic Tables, Ladders, and Chairs Match, featuring Edge and Christian getting help from a sweaty and toned lesbian. You got Undertaker versus Triple H in a WrestleMania match that wasn't the main event, wasn't for a world title, and wasn't another win for Hunter. Best of all, you had Linda McMahon looking sleepy in a wheelchair.
Towards the end of the epic Shane versus Vince match, Linda rose up from her wheelchair and gave her husband the Jim Ross Special. For a minute there, I thought she was sleepy. In my opinion, she’s pretty good at looking sleepy. Forget Ken Kennedy in Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia. Linda McMahon is the greatest actor/actress of our generation. As I watched her in that wheelchair, I was about to give her a blanket so she wouldn't shiver in her sleep, but she got me. She got me good. Linda McMahon: Asleep at the wheelchair. Just kidding, you guys. She’s kicking some nuts instead.
Linda McMahon will be the next member of the United States Senate, but did you know that she will double as a magician as well? Move over, David Blaine and your weird hanging class contraption that is usually in Times Square. Fun fact: Linda McMahon is the only Senate member who can deprive herself of food, water, and vitamins while standing upside down for seventy-two hours.
During her time in WWE, you saw her making magic in the arms of Kane. When the Big Red Machine forced her to the cold steel on an breathtaking edition of Monday Night RAW, Linda used her amazing wizard powers to keep her head from colliding with the ramp. You may have seen her mom haircut touch the steel, but that was part of the illusion. You were imagining things. She was acting, using her superior acting skills as the greatest actor/actress of our generation. Linda for Senate. She's David Blaine with a mom haircut.
In the future, robots shall rule the earth, roaming the barren lands in search of a place to build their new robotic civilization. To build this civilization, they will construct their villages, towns, and cities with our bones. Understanding this future to be inevitable, Linda McMahon has adopted a monotone robotic voice to fool the robotic overlords into believing that she is one of them. As she gains their trust, she will slowly corrupt their government, then kill the robot race with some kind of futuristic chainsaw she made out of her jewelry.
If you are still weary of the notion that a former WWE CEO can be successful in politics, Linda's initiative should ease your mind. Senator Dodd cannot and will not adopt a monotone robotic voice because he doesn't think such robots are real. Now, what does that tell you about the character of one Christopher Dodd, Connecticut? Linda McMahon knows that robots are taking over and is currently preparing for the worst. When these robots come for us, who will you trust? Linda for Senate. Thank you very much-o, Mrs. Linda.
Linda McMahon has enough excitement in her life, what with the fact that she will get to sit on a Senate seat in due time. After all, sitting in seats is exhilarating. In order to solidify her butt to that senate chair, she is willing to add a little more spice to her already exciting life. From his time in WCW and WWE, Eric Bischoff has taught us that he is a pimp and a half. He has pressed his lips against many lovely ladies, ranging from Mae Young to Mae Young's crotch area to Rikishi's ample backside to Stephanie McMahon. With all those ladies on his pimp score card, none compare to Linda.
For your vote, Linda is willing to feel the leather-jacketed embrace of Eric once more. Getting mack-attacked by Vince won't work. She has tried it again and again, yet the only thing that she got out of it were two children. Most likely, locking it up with Easy E will guarantee her one of them primo seats. If she is desperate enough, she may go for Dixie Carter to complete the wrestling business trifecta, but hasn't she made enough of your dreams come true, Connecticut? Seriously now. Linda McMahon for U.S. Senate 2010: Your mack mommy.
People of Connecticut; Stone Cold Steve Austin is coming for you. He is mad at the fact that you will not let him drive his ATV on your private properties. He is close to giving each and every one of you Stone Cold Stunners. Please let your representative will step in and take one for the state.
Snatching Linda by the neck, Austin will drop her onto his shoulder. In an act of great sacrifice and bravery, Linda will awkwardly slide away from Austin's shoulders and softly collapse to the mat. You, the people of Connecticut, will think that she has somehow blocked the move, but no. She will awkwardly slide off his shoulders and softly collapse to the mat for you. Chris Dodd doesn't deserve a pat on the back, but Linda McMahon does for taking the Stone Cold Stunner. Linda McMahon: She doesn't know how to take a Stone Cold Stunner, but that doesn't stop her, does it? I didn't think so. Now let's go back to the country club and be snooty on horseback.
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