As Black Friday shoppers line up for cheap, high-definition televisions and laptop computers, I'm lining up at my local Wal-Mart for a special sale. Actually, I see no line, but I guess that means I am the first to arrive. You people can have your futuristic electronics, but nobody — and I mean nobody — is going to get first dibs on the DVD release of The Marine 2 before me. While I'm not one for hyperbole, I have a feeling that The Marine 2 will be the The Marine of our generation.
Some people think I'm crazy, lining up for a film that does not come out until December 29th. In turn, I think they’re cuckoo bananas for not lining up with me. Of course, I'll be missing out on Christmas, but the sacrifice is worth it. Being the first person to get The Marine 2 on release day will feel like two Christmases This film is going to be huge. If his lively, on-air personality is any indication, Ted DiBiase is going to be the next big Hollywood star. I'm talking Rob Schneider big.
Until that glorious December day comes, I shall tide myself over with what I believe to be the trailer of trailers. You see, the trailer for The Marine 2 is so action-packed that whenever you watch it, your television screen explodes. I hope those Black Friday shoppers get two televisions because they'll need them after they witness the trailer for The Marine 2. As for me, I am always prepared. In my place of residence, I have a wall of televisions that will simultaneously play the movie trailer. As they all explode at once, I shall dramatically dive away in slow motion.
This week, breaking down the ground-breaking trailer shall be a great privilege. For those of you who are on the edge of your seats, you won't even need the whole edge. By the end of this trailer, you will be on the edge of the edge of your seats. Do you smell what I am smelling right now? I'm smelling Oscars for The Marine 2. Let us commence with the viewing experience.
0:00: This film is Rated R for I really, really, really want to see this movie. WWE Films in association with 20th Century Fox present The Marine 2. This film is inspired by true events, like that time when marine existed, or that time something blew up somewhere.
0:01 to 0:11: "Hi, baby," says the mildly attractive, blonde lady who sits in front of a computer webcam. "Hey, sweetheart," says Ted DiBiase on the other end, showing off his excellent conversating skills in this talking picture. Next, the mildly attractive, blonde lady says, "You remember me talking about my super-rich client who owns like a bazillion different businesses, real estate, hotels, casinos?" "Yeah," says Ted. Hold on, Ted DiBiase. You don't want to win too many awards with your acting.
Apparently, Ted DiBiase's baby is in charge of a super-deluxe, invite-only, opening bash at her client's new resort. That's some mighty fine responsibility for a mildly attractive, blonde lady.
0:12 to 0:18: According to the announcer, a faraway place that few ever see is very mysterious. According to my eyes, a faraway place that few ever see contains a bunch of grassy islands, beautiful beaches, an airplane, a wooden canoe, and a kid, knee-deep in the ocean, catching who knows what with his fishing line. Well, I don't know what the kid is catching, but I do know what The Marine 2 will be reeling in come December 29th: DVD sales aplenty.
Riding on a plane, the mildly attractive, blonde lady and Ted DiBiase's character stare at each other, pretending to be in love. Unlike you fake love birds, I don't have to feign love. I already love this movie. I want to take The Marine 2 to a faraway place that few ever see.
0:19 to 0:26: The mildly attractive blonde lady and Ted DiBiase's character share fun, beach-y times that consist of dipping their hands into the ocean, walking along the shore, and grooming each other in the water. If I took my woman to this place, I wouldn't waste time grooming her in the water. We'd probably just get it on under the sea so Sebastian the lobster and his cartoon friends can sing a song about it.
0:27 to 0:36: A lady with a strange accent announces that they will be having an opening party to the resort tomorrow night. For a faraway place that few ever see, this resort sure has a lot of people. Fast forwarding to tomorrow night, extras are having a jolly good time with other extras at the party. These extras are trying to out mingle each other in the hope that a casting agent will take notice. Sorry, extras. Casting agents only cast quality actors, such as Ted DiBiase.
When the fireworks go off, capping a successful party, Ted shows up in the foreground. He has two drinks in his hands. This predicament makes him look away from the fireworks somehow. Your drinks are fine, Theodore. Those little umbrellas will protect them.
0:37 to 0:41: In the smoky fog, a masked man uses a rocket launcher. He shoots a rocket through a walkway lit up with Tiki torches and nails a guard tower. This man's mask appears to be made of hardened white and dark chocolate, which almost discredits my theory that Rey Mysterio is the villain of this movie. At this point, the announcer claims that a trip to paradise has become a mission that only a marine can handle. With this announcement, Ted has decided to put on a jacket. Good for him. He doesn't want to catch a cold during this mission.
The fact that some strange man has shot a rocket at a guard tower isn't alarming to me. What is alarming is that this man is wearing two types of chocolate on his face. In my opinion, he shouldn't be wearing chocolate at all.
0:42 to 0:48: Back in the smoky fog, a group of masked and armed men invade the once peaceful resort. The middle-aged jazz singer from the opening party asks the main villain, "Who are you? What do you think you're doing here?" I hate that jazz song. Play something else.
In return, the man with the chocolate mask points a machine gun at the singer’s throat. Upon closer inspection, his mask has a skull on one side and the face of Tiny Lister, Jr. on the other. That mask is racist, yet delicious if it is truly made of two types of chocolate.
0:49 to 1:01: The mildly attractive, blonde lady clears things up and calls these masked invaders “separatists,” who are fighting the spread of Western influence on their country.
A computer monitor shows us breaking news from a network called NAN about the luxury resort under siege. The chocolate masked man and his cronies have the island visitors hostage. Ted DiBiase’s character wants NAN of this. "Over the last century, we have watched helplessly as the disease of the Western world has spread across our isles. Now it is your turn to watch," says the chocolate masked man. One balding hostage cannot help but cringe at the thought of wearing chocolate on his face.
I don't think the Western world is that bad. We brought them Hooters.
1:02 to 1:08: A sharp-dressed man who looks kind of Samoan thinks that this ordeal could turn into an international incident. Thanks for your opinion, Samoa Gary. Meanwhile, the people of the resort look on in horror. Perhaps they are looking at the unbuttoned top of Samoa Gary's dress shirt. They’re not buying what you’re selling.
In a dramatic and emotional voice that others will confuse with being robotic, Ted DiBiase (sans jacket) says, "With or without you, I'm going in." Next, Ted DiBiase looks behind him with a determined expression. He isn't wearing his jacket anymore. He’s super serious.
1:09 to 1:14: At night, Ted DiBiase snaps the neck of one of the henchmen. He runs toward another group of bad guys, who wait for him at the front entrance of the resort. For three seconds, the trailer makes sure that we know that Ted DiBiase can run by focusing on his running. This film teaches as much as it thrills.
1:15 to 1:21: On the balcony, an Asian man with a ponytail jumps away from an explosion. On the ground, Ted DiBiase shields the Asian man from the explosion. One moment later, Ted DiBiase and the Asian man pull themselves up and over a small wall. Finally, Ted DiBiase and the Asian man use a jeep to drive away from another explosion. I'm glad that Ted DiBiase and the Asian man are bonding. They don't get to see much of each other anymore. These times are rare and fleeting. Wait a minute. Who is this Asian man? He must be Ted's exotic man-mistress.
1:22 to 1:26: Ted DiBiase fights one of the henchmen underwater. I never thought I would say this, but I wish they didn’t have to fight like that. I would prefer that they groom each other instead.
1:27 to 1:32: Lots of things are happening at the same time. DiBiase throws a knife. Two henchmen double as ninjas and pose. Explosion among shacks. Ted DiBiase demands a henchman to tell him where the hostages are. He battles with the two ninjas. A villain with wet hair tells a villain with no hair that they must make a statement by killing the hostages now. Neither man is wearing a chocolate mask. I have no clue which one is the main villain. I’m losing interest.
1:33 to 1:40: More things are happening. My interest has been regained. A pillar explodes. A person off-camera throws water, urine, or Skittles on Ted DiBiase, whose hands are tied above his head.
Ted changes shirts and screams at a henchman, wanting to know the whereabouts of his mildly attractive, blonde lady. He’s not going to tell you unless you change your shirt back. You made a mistake. Ted DiBiase gets no answer, so he engages in a gun fight with the baddies. During the fight, he is holding a Snuggie for some strange reason. On second thought, he is simply holding a Snuggie. You don't need a reason to hold one.
A long-haired bad guy tosses a grenade at the screen. This isn’t Monsters vs. Aliens in 3-D, fool. Meanwhile, Ted DiBiase winces behind a pillar, holding a machine gun. Don't worry, young Tedward. I will go in there and get the Snuggie for you.
1:41 to 1:42: "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo," says the mildly attractive, blonde lady from a balcony. I know how you feel, mildly attractive, blonde lady. That was your Snuggie.
1:43 to 1:53: Bald baddie tells wet hair baddie that the message will be sent. This message is sent in the form of a timed explosion that the bald baddie secures on the back of some guy, or a pillow. I'm not sure. Ted DiBiase stands behind a pillar. Cue explosion. Ted DiBiase stands behind a pillar. Cue explosion. Get away from that pillar, dawg.
Taking my advice, DiBiase emerges from the smoky fog with his gun and what appears to be a backpack. Looks like Ted is going to take you guys to school. Somewhere out there, Shelton Benjamin adds that they better pack a lunch.
Ted rolls on the floor with a henchman, does an STO onto a table to remind you that he is a wrestler in a WWE film, and punches the henchman in the face. Wrestlers doing wrestling moves in mainstream movies is always cool and never not cool. I hope to see a testicular claw in the full-length feature film.
1:54 to 1:56: The announcer says, "Ted DiBiase stars in..." What does he star in, announcer? I can't take it anymore. I need to know. Ted's heavy breathing is making me more curious than before.
1:57 to 1:59: A grizzled man in a sleeveless shirt tells Ted that not everyone can be a hero. Oh yeah, sleeveless shirt guy? Explosion. I think I proved my point.
2:00 to 2:10: "The goal is to save people, not kill them to win," says a wise man whom I like to call Ted DiBiase, Jr.. The following people tend to agree or disagree with this statement: sad, third-world children, the mildly attractive, blonde lady, the guy with a bomb on his back, some guy with a Van Dyke, an explosion, Ted DiBiase, an injured black marine, that same guy with a Van Dyke (who is enjoying a water, urine, or Skittles shower at the moment), and Ted DiBiase using a rifle.
2:11 to 2:12: Ted DiBiase leaps into the water, avoiding another explosion. All that explosion wants is your forgiveness. Why don't you know that?
2:13 to 2:21: The Marine 2 is premiering on DVD and Blu-ray December 29th. My dinner premieres on my dinner plate every night at six-ish. In conclusion, I am excited for both premieres. Go America.
********** out of *****
In the future, I'm going to name my second child The Marine 2 for he or she will be the riveting sequel to my first, less entertaining child.
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