At this time, fifty American, Canadian, or Swahilian dollars are in your pocket. Perhaps, those dollars are creating a fire in your pocket. World Wrestling Entertainment notices this fire and wishes to extinguish it for you. If you are willing to purchase one of their grand Pay-Per-View events, those dollars will not harm you anymore. In fact, you are doing yourself a disservice by allowing that fire to burn in your pants pouch. You are creating a brush fire near your crotch area. You are not even in California, son.
This year, Vince McMahon and the good people of WWE are changing up their Pay-Per-View lineup as if their old Pay-Per-View lineup is going out of style. So far, these new names are throwing up caution flags. You have your Breaking Point, which sounds like a hard Christian rock band if hard Christian rock bands exist in this world. You have your Bragging Rights, which must have been an early 90s action film starring Jean Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, or both. In the film, a wise Chinese guy told Jean Claude or Dolph — a retired karate champion or former soldier — that they must fight in a tournament to survive in some foreign land (probably Japan, which accommodates wise Chinese guys). Jean Claude or Dolph said, "Okay."
To be honest, I am a sentimental person. I keep numerous mementos and memories close to my heart, no matter how significant or insignificant they may be. Considering that WWE wants to change the Pay-Per-View game without my blessing, I feel a tad distraught. Those old Pay-Per-View may not be great, but they were good. They were good to me. I held them in my arms when they were little babies. And WWE is trying to take those babies away from me. Please, child. Don't look back. Just go. I don't want you to see the tears that are falling from my ducts.
As the wrestling world changes before my eyes, I'm not sure what to think, or what to feel. Am I supposed to be happy with these changes? You cannot tell a bird to fly when it does not have wings. You cannot tell a man to love a woman when he cannot love himself. Lastly, you cannot tell a professional wrestling analyst to accept a new Pay-Per-View lineup without concern.
World Wrestling Entertainment claims that Breaking Point — a Pay-Per-View in which the top matches are contested under submission rules — is a revolutionary concept. Even ECW play-by-play announcer Josh Mathews, who started a nosebleed revolution earlier this summer, believes this notion to be true. In my opinion, WWE is correct when they say that Breaking Point is a revolutionary Pay-Per-View. As far as I am aware, no company in the history of the wrestling business has put on a submission-heavy Pay-Per-View. Although, do you know what else is revolutionary? A Pay-Per-View in which every match must incorporate a banana. This event, which I will call "BananaRama I," will mark the beginning of a new era in professional wrestling. From that Pay-Per-View forward, wrestling fans will not be happy with their viewing experience until they witness a match with a banana in it. To combat my successful event, WWE will try to coax fans back to their programming with plantains. Good luck with that, Vincent. Wrestling fans aren't stupid. They know plantains when they see them.
Thankfully, Vince's talent roster is full of wrestlers with signature submission moves that are popular with the audience. For example, John Cena uses the STF, teaching young children to use a step-over toehold before they execute a facelock. Secondly, the Undertaker has Hell's Gate from that time he died and was about to fall into the grave, but lost his way and accidentally fell onto a seat at a UFC Pay-Per-View instead. I'm not entirely positive about the other wrestlers, but I'm sure they have excellent submission moves. Most likely, one of them owns a feather. He tickles guys into submission. Another wrestler tickles his opponents with his hands. When you're tickled by either during a wrestling bout, I'm guessing your breaking point would be rather low, especially if you are ticklish. If you are not ticklish, you would submit regardless because a grown man touching you with his hands or a feather is a weird and uncomfortable situation for all.
Internet rumours, which are always credible and true, state that WWE Bragging Rights may be turn out to be a Pay-Per-View with zero championship belts on the line. In response, I say, "What?" while stressing the middle of the word. Plus, I have a shocked expression on my face while doing so. Wrestling for bragging rights is no match for the chance to wrestle for shiny, gold championship titles. Since each championship division in WWE is quite strong and competitive. I would prefer if every Pay-Per-View was similar to Night of Champions. The thought of Bragging Rights leaves me empty inside. What is to become of the WWE Women's Championship picture? Michelle McCool reigns supreme, yet Melina is waiting in those wings of faith. I need my Melina updates every day. I wish television could give me a Melina update channel. That way, I would finally be satisfied. I must know what is going on with Melina and her traditional babyface gimmick of being a nosy bitch who gets into other people's business. I find no reason to boo her. All I can do is cheer a thousand cheers.
Another rumour suggests that Bragging Rights will be Cyber Sunday under a new and spiffy name. Because WWE is run by a democracy in which everyone in the promotion gets equal say, I think Bragging Rights should reflect company policy. In other words, fans should continue to retain the privilege to vote for matches and match participants on this particular Pay-Per-View. In the past, Cyber Sunday was an event that was for the fans and made by said fans. Remember that time when Ric Flair shouted that he wanted Triple H in a cage enough times to sway fans to vote for that match at a Cyber Sunday? That's democratic choice right there. That’s WWE telling fans what to do and when to do it. If only I had the freedom to choose what WWE demands me to choose. I would have total independence.
The Undertaker is the master of the Hell in a Cell match, beating legends like Triple H, Shawn Michaels, and Mick Foley. Also, he chokeslammed Rikishi into a bed of hay, which is one of my five favourite surfaces upon which to chokeslam people. With that said, World Wrestling Entertainment is not dumb. They know which man needs to be the focus of their new Hell in a Cell Pay-Per-View. That man is someone who is dead, but not dead enough to not get a tan. Sadly, Hell in a Cell will replace No Mercy as WWE's October Pay-Per-View. In the end, everything shows mercy. You can't fight it for long. At first, Undertaker didn't want to be tan. Then, he showed mercy.
Like the Elimination Chamber, Hell in a Cell is a specialty match that WWE has not yet exploited. Would a Hell in a Cell Pay-Per-View exploit the match? Probably, but that inevitability won't stop Vince McMahon. As a quick aside, the one thing I do not get about the Hell in a Cell match is why the cell itself is the most fragile structure in wrestling. In almost every Hell in a Cell match, somebody finds a way to break the cell. A Pay-Per-View with a bunch of Hell in a Cell matches better have some backup cells. While one could break the seal of the cell in case of an emergency, that would defeat the purpose of the backup cells, wouldn’t it? That cell is like Batista.
Ladders. Tables. Chairs. In life, I use them. You use them. You use a ladder to climb up onto a high chair in order to eat at a high table. I use them to create intricate sculptures expressing my frustrations and criticism of the social milieu. If you are wrestling a professional wrestling match, you are using them as weapons to subdue your opponent. Meanwhile, I am sending my unwanted tables, ladders, and chairs to help children in third world countries beat up their opponents in wrestling matches.
After an exhilarating world title match between CM Punk and Jeff Hardy at Summerslam, the thought of a Tables, Ladders, and Chairs Pay-Per-View is "Money in the Bank" (without tables and chairs). WWE could take advantage of the match's popularity, but I am glad they are backing away from this idea. I don't believe fans enjoy TLC matches as much as WWE thinks they do. Some of the best matches of the past decade have been those which employed a few tables, a ladder here, and a chair there. Although, I am not convinced that a Pay-Per-View featuring numerous TLC matches is wise. Ask around and you realize that people love ladders and tables, but not chairs. For them, chairs are the X-Factor Albert of the TLC match. You can’t perform a high risk move from any sort of chair without the visual coming off as ridiculous. Booster seats don't count.
With this trend of Pay-Per-View naming in mind, I propose the return of stable-themed events. For all of you D-Generation X fans who love to recite catchphrases with Shawn Michaels and Triple H, you are in for a treat within a tastier treat. Are you ready? Pay-Per-View watchers; are you ready? For the thousands in attendance, and the millions watching at home: ladies and gentlemen… let's get ready for a suck-themed Pay-Per-View extravaganza in the form of "Backsuck." So long, Backlash. If you're not down with a suck-themed Pay-Per-View extravaganza, Shawn Michaels and Triple H are going to make you suck something anyway. You can't refuse to suck it. The Divas are watching. You better suck something or WWE will be very mad. D-Generation X is waiting for the suckage. They are not patient individuals.
I find it strange that two grown men make fun of Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase’s relationship with homophobic insults, yet they are the ones who are keen on a simultaneous, worldwide, man-on-man-on-men pleasure fest. Frankly, I do not understand this logic. This situation must be an instance of the pot calling the kettle black, or calling it gay because it tags with another kettle. These days, the kettle does not have many options for a tag partner. The pot is tagging with the pan. The fork ran away to tag with the spoon. Due to an incident with an espresso machine involving hot water and hurt feelings, the kettle's only option is another kettle of the same make. The kettle steamed those bridges too early in its career.
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