Ladies, gentlemen, and other, we are about to begin our descent into the second part of The Swerved's WrestleMania XXV review. Do not be alarmed for I will review the event at a safe distance so I will not suffer any major injuries from close contact with this particular, grand Pay-Per-View. The sound you just heard is millions of wrestling fans, gathering in front of their computer screens to read my pearly pearls of reviewing wisdom. For readers on the East Coast, the faint sound you just heard is a person crying. I am not saying who is crying, but don't rule me out after watching this event for a third, fourth, and fifth time. The crier in question does not have something in his or her eye. He or she does not have allergies either. He or she is straight up upset. What in the balls, World Wrestling Entertainment?
WrestleMania XXV weather is sunny with a chance of confusion and disappointment, depending upon the execution and outcome of the final four matches. The temperature is a breezy 14 degrees Celsius, or 57 degrees Fahrenheit. Also, I thought I saw a ghost of WrestleMania past, but it turns out it was just the Intercontinental Championship. How did that title get a WrestleMania match anyway? Did somebody lose a bet? For years, internet wrestling fans have wished for a competitive Intercontinental Championship match at a modern WrestleMania — the 21st century version of Steamboat versus Savage, if you will. Now that we have JBL versus Rey Mysterio, we are sure to get that match. I am so sure that we will get this match that I am more or less than 65% sure.
Barring any booking mishaps, WWE hopes to turn this WrestleMania review into a pleasant experience for me. For the first two hours, I was satisfied but not ecstatic. In the last two hours, World Wrestling Entertainment must wow me like they have never wowed me before. I'm talking fast-paced matchups, dramatic moments, and appearances by Stone Cold Steve Austin's ATV. I sense WWE is going one or one-and-a-half for three this year, but what do I know? I am nothing more than a professional wrestling analyst who can predict the past and present and sometimes future.
I love having you, the reader, on board with me on this wonderful journey. I look forward to seeing you again in the WrestleManias to come. Please enjoy your stay while thinking about all the good things WWE has done for us in the past. I recall those specific years. Those were excellent years. Nice work, past WWE.
Randy Orton: Preparation for H
In the locker room, "The Viper" Randy "The Viper" Orton "Viper" "The Viper" prepares for his WWE Championship match by taking off his shirt. Step one of ninety is complete. Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes look concerned because only one man gets the privilege to oil up their leader. This is WrestleMania, which means zero handouts for those who want to oil up dudes on the grandest oiling stage of them all.
WWE Intercontinental Championship Match
John "Bradshaw" Layfield (c) vs. Rey Mysterio
For the first time since WrestleMania X-8, the prestigious WWE Intercontinental Championship will be on the line. I would compete for it myself, but I liked it better when it had a purple leather strap. That strap matched the colour of my man-purse.
In all his flabby glory, JBL appears on the ramp with a microphone:
"This is the greatest day in JBL's great life. Months ago, I had a WrestleMania vision that just as Julius Caesar returned to Rome the conquering hero, I would return to Texas... champion. At a time when, quite frankly, Texas, you've got no champions; Texas, you've got no men. You sit around. You drink your little lattes, you do your Pilates... looking through the Houston Chronicle trying to find a job. At this point in life, you need hope. And along comes your hero: JBL.
Tonight, I'm gonna give you the treat of someone that grew up in Sweetwater, Texas... John Layfield and became the great JBL. You yourself will never improve your lot in life, but at least you can look at me and be proud of the fact that I'm your hero because today, I will give you the most dominant victory in WrestleMania history. I will then hop back on my charter plane, return to the greatest city in the world, to my famous wife... New York City... as still your hero."
John "Bradshaw" Layfield is married to New York City? How do you have intimate relations with a city? What a metrosexual.
Rey Mysterio is next. At WrestleMania 19, he came out looking like Daredevil. At WrestleMania XX, he was The Flash. At WrestleMania 21, he was a Mexican who had great difficulty keeping his mask over his face. This year, Rey Mysterio shocks the world by looking like The Joker — the biggest little maniacal murderer that WWE City has ever seen. On second thought, Rey's floppy green wig and shiny purple suit don't emulate Heath Ledger's Joker that well. If The Joker wanted to look like a frazzled Doink The Clown, Rey Mysterio's attire is perfect.
Jerry Lawler informs the audience that Rey looks like The Joker. Unlike the late Heath Ledger, Jim Ross says, "I think that Rey's career is alive and well, King." Wow. What did Heath Ledger ever do to you, Jim Ross? I'm sorry Jim Ross, but what you just said is no, "I'm sorry. I love you." To the principal's office, James.
Like a good Joker, Rey Mysterio bonds with the little children, talking to them in close quarters, while giving playing cards to others. I watched The Dark Knight many times, but I think I missed the part where The Joker handed out prizes to people while sucking on his mouth scars. I shall rent the special edition and take another gander.
Due to the length of this matchup, let's look at the cliff notes version:
- The referee tries to explain the rules to Mysterio's Joker, but JBL kicks Rey in the face before the referee can finish. Thank you for staying true to The Joker, JBL. The Joker doesn't care about rules. He cares about his one phone call.
- Against the referee's wishes, JBL continues to kick and punch Mysterio's Joker in the corner. In this case, JBL does not fashion his strategy after Christian Bale's Batman, but Alicia Silverstone's Batgirl from Batman & Robin. You're not putting me in the cold pun.
- As the bell rings, Rey Mysterio pulls off an Enziguri on JBL, then 6-1-9s him. You know where he got those scars? His father tried to 6-1-9 his mother, but Mysterio intervened. I don't know what happened after that, but Maggie Gyllenhaal is freaked out.
- Mysterio connects with a top rope splash. A three count makes him the new WWE Intercontinental Champion in twenty-one seconds. The boyhood dream has come true for The Joker. This WWE needs a new kind of Intercontinental Champion, but they will never let Rey give it to them.
- A furious JBL makes WrestleMania history by calling it quits. Before JBL, a WWE Superstar has never called it quits at WrestleMania. On the other hand, nobody really cared about that fact. Did you know WWE ran more shows in China than the MLB, NFL, and The Simpsons combined last year? If anybody wants me, I'll be in my room. Don't fall off your horse, WWE. Your horse is rather high off the ground.
Was this a match? Yes. Was this a good match? Next question, please. Why, yes. Mayonnaise is very enjoyable.
Rating: *
Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels
"The Lightbreak Kid" Shawn Michaels makes his holy entrance on a cherry picker that WWE teamsters lower onto the ramp. When the man upstairs made his presence felt at a WrestleMania, he didn't use a mechanical cherry picker. He lowered himself onto the ramp under his own power. Also, he borrowed wires from an Off-Broadway production of Peter Pan. They weren't paying attention at the time. Don't worry, though. He'll give them back. He should be returning any minute now. Coming down to "Sexy Boy" seems pretty sacrilegious, but Michaels prayed for a pyrotechnic display. This prayer should even things out.
The Undertaker follows Michaels' entrance by rising from the depths of Reliant Stadium. Am I to assume that the depths of Reliant Stadium are hellish in nature? Well, they shouldn't have built the stadium there then. That's mediocre to poor stadium planning. Without druids, Undertaker looks lonely and bored, but he did summon flames from the ramp with his hands. This act should even things out.
The undead living zombie thing begins the match with his patented, undead living zombie thing, MMA stance. Michaels avoids the attacks and peppers the Undertaker with knife-edge chops and punches. I didn't know Hell has MMA training facilities, but I've never visited. For all I know, they could have a Baskin Robbins. Finally, Undertaker subdues Michaels by countering a punch into a throw to the corner. On the middle turnbuckle, Michaels tells Undertaker to suck it in the most Christian way possible. Undertaker responds to this gesture with an Irish whip and a back body drop. I didn't know Hell had a professional wrestling school either. Turns out I don't know a lot of things.
In the middle of the ring, the Undertaker weakens Michaels’ arm and shoulder, then ventures to the top rope to go Old School. I've been to several old schools in my area, but they don't look anything like a forty-year-old guy attacking another forty-year-old guy with a club to the back. I must have been to the wrong old schools. Next, Michaels avoids an Undertaker avalanche and goes for the knee to soften him up for a variation of the Figure Four Leg Lock. This submission hold is similar to the Figure Four, except it is not. Breaking the hold, the Undertaker attempts a Chokeslam, but HBK puts him in the Crossface. Just because Shawn Michaels faced "He Who Shall Not Be Named" at WrestleMania XX does not mean he gets to use the Crossface; the same can be said for Triple H. If we're going by WWE rules, Shawn Michaels faced Chris Masters more than once. Therefore, why doesn't he use the Master Lock more than once? Master Locks are challenging.
The Undertaker rises to his feet, releasing the hold with a side slam. Michaels combats the wrath of the Undertaker with a flying elbow, a series of inverted atomic drops, and a clothesline. Undertaker catches Michaels off the top rope and tries for the Chokeslam, but Michaels counters into an actual Figure Four Leg Lock, which is countered again into Hell's Gate. I thought Hell's Gate was Reliant Stadium. I swear... World Wrestling Entertainment doesn't know what they're doing sometimes. Michaels crawls to the ropes to break the hold, only for the Undertaker to shove him to the outside. A failed apron legdrop later, Michaels fights off the Undertaker with a baseball slide. Outside, Michaels' moonsault off the top turnbuckle misses when the Undertaker swats him away. What's the big deal about WrestleMania moonsaults? I do moonsaults every day. Yesterday, I did a moonsault off an elderly lady. She didn't mind because I helped her walk across the street via top turnbuckle moonsault.
In the near-death moment of the night, Undertaker flies out of the ring with a suicide dive to the floor. Michaels pushes the referee away, then pulls a cameraman in the way. The Undertaker falls face first onto the mat at ringside, a foot or so in front of the cameraman waiting to catch him. This accident is the exact reason why I don't trust cameramen to catch me whenever I attempt suicide dives. Although, timekeepers are reliant for they are always on time. Back in the ring, HBK instructs the dazed referee to count the Undertaker out. Predictably, the Undertaker returns before ten, proving that he is more alive than dead.
An angered Michaels sets Undertaker up for Sweet Chin Music, but Undertaker moves out of the way and catches HBK with a Chokeslam for a near-three count. Jim Ross states that the Undertaker got all of that "clothesline." I disagree, Heath Ledger hater. Michaels squirms out of a Tombstone and another Chokeslam attempt in order to nail the Undertaker in the face with the Superkick. This kick receives a near-three count as well. When one wishes to Superkick another, you might as well kick them in the face... with a "clothesline." Isn't that right, Jim Ross? Where in the extra Z is Tazz?
Escaping the Last Ride, Undertaker counters the counter with a successful Last Ride for the 2.999999135 count. While the Deadman leans on the bottom rope, Michael Cole notices the frustration in the eyes of the Undertaker, but I can only see exhaustion and eyeliner. Both of those exist on the outside of the eyes of the Undertaker. The Deadman's trip to the top turnbuckle results in a missed elbow drop. Moments later, Michaels skins the cat. As he flips himself over, Undertaker catches him for a Tombstone that results in another kickout. The healthy ringside cameraman zooms in on Undertaker's face. He is rather surprised. What will it take to beat Shawn Michaels? Baldness. Complete and involuntary baldness.
Defying my instructions, the Undertaker pulls his straps down and calls for Michaels' head. That won't beat him at all, man. That may impress Michelle McCool, but that doesn't impress anyone else. Following a Tombstone attempt, Michaels reverses the move into a DDT that almost drives Undertaker's head into the mat. When I mean “almost,” I mean almost. Unless there was an invisible, three-inch-thick steel chair under the Undertaker’s head, Michaels did not connect with that DDT. Even the fans know that it didn't connect. They're not even pulling their straps down. That's unfortunate, my ladies. A flying elbow and Sweet Chin Music puts down Undertaker, but Michaels cannot get the win. What will it take to beat the Undertaker? An urn. A complete, involuntary, and balding urn.
Undertaker and HBK trade knife-edge chops and punches from a standing position. Some kicks connect, while others are reversed into successful kicks by the opponent. Michaels goes for a standing moonsault from the top turnbuckle. Predicting the move before he does it, the Undertaker catches Michaels and sends him down to the canvas with the Tombstone for the one, two, three, kids. Undertaker is 17-0 at WrestleMania. Meanwhile, The Swerved is 0-0. Hey, look at that — we are both undefeated. Streak versus streak at WrestleMania XXVI, fellows.
Years from now, we will look back on this match as the saviour of WrestleMania XXV. I think of this as the Hollywood Hulk Hogan vs. The Rock of 2009. When we look back on Triple H versus Randy Orton, we will know why we think so.
Rating: ****1/2
World Heavyweight Championship Triple Threat Match
Edge (c) vs. Big Show vs. John Cena
This winner of this match will gain the affection of Vickie Guerrero (unless you are John Cena). Also, the winner will get the World Heavyweight Championship (unless you are not John Cena).
Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Chavo Guerrero pushing his aunt's wheelchair. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome the guy who cannot remain champion for more than a month or two — Edge. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome the Big Show and feign interest. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome one-hundred John Cenas. With this sight, I feel as though I am living in every misguided, twelve-year-old girl's sports entertainment fantasy. Word life. Syllable death. One-hundred John Cenas can't see each other. Maybe they shouldn't tilt the brims of their baseball caps that low. Next, the real John Cena comes out to guarantee that this entrance cannot trump his ghetto Royal Rumble starship. I would like to use his ghetto Royal Rumble starship to visit distant planets, such as Oregon. John Cena's new hand gesture seems to be a tribute to the Dudley Boyz, or an indication that he believes we are all a-holes. Same difference.
WrestleMania is airing live for the first time in Mexico and Israel tonight. On behalf of World Wrestling Entertainment, I am sorry, Mexico and Israel. Do you want me to lend you Gossip Girl on DVD? John Cena proves he is smarter and better than anybody else in the match by successfully attacking his opponents while Edge and Big Show fumble around the ring, knocking each other down with inadvertent strikes. Cena executes a running bulldog on Edge. As he tries to take Big Show out with a shoulder tackle, Show stands there being large. Unable to compete with his largeness, Cena bounces off Show and crashes to the mat. Edge encourages Show to double-team Cena, but Show responds to an attempted handshake by lifting Edge up by his arm, then dropping him crotch first onto the top rope. If he wants to drop me crotch first onto the top rope, I know how to counter it. All I have to do is detach my junk for a moment. Sounds difficult, but with the right tools, the process can be fairly easy.
Cena takes advantage of this opportunity with a go at the Attitude Adjustment. In response, Show knocks him down with a big boot. With Edge out of the ring, Show attacks Cena by standing on him twice. The first time was payback for Cena's reveal of the surveillance video, despite the fact that Cena promised not to show it if Vickie put him in the match. The second time had no reason behind it. The Big Show is just large. That's reason enough. Cena tries to fight back with punches, but Show sends him to the canvas by simply throwing him up in the air before leaving the rest up to gravity. The Big Show and gravity should form a tag team. Due to WWE's interest in tag teams and fancy names, they will be called, "The Big Show and Spencer 'Gravity' Winchester."
Cena avoids a Big Show ambush by letting his opponent crotch his own self on the top rope. Now neither Edge nor the Big Show can get it on with Vickie. Mission accomplished? Edge kicks the steel steps towards Show, which sends him forward to conveniently receive John Cena's top turnbuckle Famouser to the outside. Apparently, John Cena is "The One" now. Billy Gunn is "The Two." Neo has dropped down to "The Three." What a sad day for Neo. In the ring, Edge reverses Cena's Attitude Adjustment into the Edgecution for a two count. Jim Ross used to call it "The Impaler," but he also called Undertaker's Chokeslam a “clothesline.” I don't believe anything he says anymore. I bet that ring is covered in barbeque sauce.
Once Cena knocks Edge off the top turnbuckle, Big Show executes a side slam for another two- count. Cena momentarily gains the upper hand on Show with a flurry of right hands until Chavo Guerrero creates a WrestleMania moment by pulling John out of the ring. Cena returns the favour with the Attitude Adjustment on the ringside mats. No, not Chavo. In the ring, Show reacts to a shoulder block from Cena by conveniently tying himself up in the ropes. What are you doing, Big Show? Being large? Fair enough. Show watches Cena and Edge battle it out in front of him. He witnesses Cena's five-knuckle shuffle and Edge's accidental spear on a shrieking Vickie, who suddenly appeared on the apron mere seconds ago. How many times has Edge accidentally speared Vickie Guerrero? Five? That's five too many. You thought I was going to exaggerate the number of times that Edge has accidentally speared Vickie Guerrero, didn't you? Who's the foolish fool now? You are, Farlito Faribbean Fool. Don't fool in the fool of fools who don't fool to be fool. You are the fool.
After a double clothesline, Big Show uses the power of love (and instructions to the referee) to get out of the ropes. Avenging the damage done to his lover, Show attacks his opponents with shoulder blocks, chest slaps, and an avalanche in the corner that squashes Cena and Edge. Calling for the Chokeslam, he gets Edge, but not Cena. Ever so perturbed by Cena's sneakiness, Show clocks him with a knockout punch. At ringside, Show tries to chokeslam Edge into the Spanish announce table, but Edge counters into a DDT. These days, you cannot hurt the Spanish announce table for it is sacred. Launching himself off the steel steps, Edge shoves Show through the security wall with a light hug/dive. In the ring, Edge goes for the Spear, but Cena puts him in the STF for his troubles. I have never seen an STF hurt someone as much as it hurts Cena. Is he okay? His face turns purple, yet his opponent's face doesn't. Is he doing it wrong?
On the outside, Show grabs Cena by the neck and pulls him out of the submission hold. Back in the ring, Cena and Edge work together to suplex Show, then take him up and over the top rope with a double clothesline. Immediately, Edge turns his back on Cena with a sneak attack and pin attempt, but Cena regains his composure and heads to the corner. Off the top turnbuckle, Show pushes Cena into an incoming Spear. Surprisingly, people who don't want to work together cannot work together. What in the world? Jim Ross claims that this is anybody's ball game, but this is not a ball game. This is a wrestling match. Jim Ross is off his ball game tonight. Edge attempts to knock Show out with a sleeper, but John Cena intervenes with an Attitude Adjustment on Show. In the end, Cena drops Edge onto Show with another Attitude Adjustment for the three-count. John Cena is the new World Heavyweight Champion and attitude adjuster. Tonight, he has adjusted several attitudes.
His opponents are upset. Cena is happy. With his hand gesture, he thinks we are a-holes once more, which makes me sad. You cannot adjust this attitude, Cena. Not with your attitude.
As far as triple threat matches at WrestleMania are concerned, this one didn't offend me. At the same time, I wasn't entertained until Edge speared Cena off the top rope. I know Cena needs a WrestleMania victory and all, but couldn't he face JBL instead and celebrate with those smiling Japanese fans from WrestleMania 21? I missed them. Their technology was superior to mine. Houston fans don't cut it.
Rating: **
Hall of Fame: Class of 2009 Roll Call
Your Hall of Fame Class of 2009 is as follows: Terry and Dory Funk Jr, "Cowboy" Bill Watts, Howard Finkel, Koko B. Ware, The Von Erich Family (represented by Kevin Von Erich), Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat," and Stone Cold Steve Austin.
Austin celebrates his induction by leaving the stage, then returning in his trademark ATV. I don't think Sheriff Austin was a legendary character, but I'll take whatever Austin I can get. He drives around the ring a few times before starting a beer bash in the ring. Stone Cold Steve Austin is great. I hope the little kiddies understand his greatness. If he can wrestle one final match, I'd like to see him take on the Disco Inferno for the right to the Stone Cold Stunner/Chartbuster. That match would sell more tickets than Austin versus Hogan and Austin versus Goldberg... combined... times infinity.
WWE Championship Match
Triple H (c) vs. Randy Orton
Whenever WrestleMania comes around, you can count on many things: an Undertaker win, an entertaining performance by Shawn Michaels, an exhilarating Money in the Bank Ladder Match, and a Triple H title match. Every year, "Somebody’s Gonna Face Triple" is my subtitle to WrestleMania, but WWE never uses it. Why not, WWE? That saying is truer than true. In 2009, Randy Orton is "Gonna Face Triple H." Why must you rob me of my happiness? WWE claims that this match is five years in the making, but I'm thinking it's really five months in the making. Remember when Randy jumped out of that cake to surprise Evolution? For me, that cake surprise was enough. I was good before. I am better now.
Backstage, Vince and Shane McMahon silently wish Triple H luck in the main event. Randy Orton comes out to "Voices." He appears tan, but not as tan as Hunter Hearst Helmsley: The King of WrestleMania Tan Kings. Ted DiBiase and Cody Rhodes are nowhere to be seen. Neither man got to oil Randy Orton because they did not want to ruin their friendship. Kudos I must give them. When it's time to play the game (7 pm EST), Triple H appears, staring at a reflection of himself in the mirror. Mad at his own reflection, he shatters the mirror with his sledgehammer. You're not the problem, Triple H. Don't hate the playa, hate the... oh. That's still you. For a man wanting to avenge a personal attack on his family, Hunter is angry, but not that angry. If Randy Orton hurt my family, I would probably run at him, then engage in a tie up like a true sportsman. That's how a professional wrestler gets his retribution.
Triple H begins the match with a plethora of punches and kicks in the corner. Referee Scott Armstrong reminds Hunter that he will lose the championship if he gets disqualified. This slight distraction allows Orton to pull off an RKO. A finisher in the first minute of the match. Really? Whatever floats your sinking boat, WWE. I know Randy Orton is a viper, but vipers know how to pace a wrestling match. After missing a punt, Triple H counters with the Pedigree. Two finishers in the first minute of the match? Whatever sinks your sinking boat, WWE. Is this some kind of reverse matchup?
On the outside, Triple H drives Orton's head into the announce table, then douses himself with water. He drives Orton into the ring post, but Randy returns to the ring in decent condition. He asks Triple H to wait, but Hunter punches him instead. Hunter Heart Helmsley does not know the meaning of wait, nor does he know how to properly drink water from a bottle. In the middle of the ring, Triple H connects with a neckbreaker before Randy rolls away. At ringside, Orton counters an Irish whip into one of his own, sending Hunter into the steel steps. He continues to Irish whip him into non-Irish destinations with a second one that ends with Triple H tumbling up and over the barricade.
Orton meets Hunter in the ring with the Orton Stomp, modeled after the world-renowned Garvin Stomp. Several punches later, referee Scott Armstrong reminds Randy that he can be disqualified, too. I feel left out. Can I be disqualified for something, Scott? Randy settles down the match with a headlock, cranking Triple H’s neck as if he is trying to pull a fat man out of a sewer pipe. With Randy bouncing off the ropes, Hunter connects with that Harley Race-like knee. Triple H owns a replica of Harley Race's knee, which he puts over his own knee to execute that move. Impressive.
Orton regains the advantage, jumps off the middle turnbuckle, and meets Triple H's foot. Hunter goes for the Pedigree, but Randy rolls through for a pin attempt. After a failed RKO, he slams Randy down with a spinebuster. As Triple H tries for the Pedigree again, Randy counters with Mike Sanders' 3.0 for the near-three count. WWE never bothered to name this move, so you will have to remember "Above Average" Mike Sanders to understand what I'm talking about here. I'll never forget Mike Sanders, but I'm most likely the only one who won't. A revived Hunter leaps off the top turnbuckle for some sort of unidentified move. Unable to identity this move, Randy chooses to dropkick Hunter in the face instead. People are afraid of what they do not understand. According to this match, wrestlers dropkick what they do not understand. When I become a wrestler, I want to dropkick Scientology and ugly people.
Hunter grabs Randy's foot to prevent the infamous punt. Beside the ropes, he flips the challenger over the top. In front of the line of announcers, Triple H slams Randy's head against the Spanish announce table. Guess what? Spanish announce tables don't break anymore, son. Don't even try. When Triple H wields a television monitor, Scott Armstrong reminds him that he will be disqualified if he hits his opponent with it. I don't know Hunter well, but maybe he just likes watching shows while he holds a TV in his hand. Eventually, Hunter opts to discard the television monitor. On the RAW announce table, Hunter sets Orton up for the Pedigree, but Orton back body drops Triple H onto the Spanish announce table, which doesn't break. For the last time, Spanish announce tables are super awesome. A cool moment occurs when Randy hangs Hunter over the table, then drops him onto the floor with a snap DDT. Cool moments are scarce in this bout, so enjoy them while they last. They're as scarce as Shamrock Shakes.
While Triple H rolls back into the ring, Orton attacks him with another Orton Stomp. Punching and kicking Hunter in the corner, Scott Armstrong lays down the Armstrong Law. You tell him, brother of Road Dogg. As Triple H inadvertently collides with the referee, Randy throws Hunter into Amstrong’s gut to take the referee out of the match. Help your brother, Brad Armstrong. In the aftermath of an RKO, Randy gets a sledgehammer out from under the ring. When he returns to the ring, Hunter punts him in the face in the second of two cool moments. Sadly, Randy immediately gets to his feet, only for Hunter to hit him in the face with a sledgehammer. The crowd looks to the entranceway, but the ramp is empty. This match is not horrible, yet it could use a few interferers. How many Armstrong brothers exist again?
Triple H mounts Orton and lands a series of punches. Finally, he finishes him off with a second Pedigree. The proverbial, audience-attacking, WrestleMania fireworks go off as Hunter stands over Randy, holding the WWE Championship. In hindsight, all is well in McMahonland for a little bit less than twenty-four hours. Now let's bring out Vince, Shane, and St... oh. The Pay-Per-View ended. Too bad.
For a main event that was meant to settle the personal score between bitter rivals, the match was disappointing. Michaels versus Undertaker had more drama than this match, but Michaels versus Undertaker had nothing personal on the line in the first place. If they wanted a happy ending to WrestleMania, put Cena's win in place of Hunter's win. That way, Randy Orton gets the victory he deserves. World Wrestling Entertainment was this close to cementing Orton as a legitimate megastar, but they chose to play it safe. At least the WrestleMania buyrate was good, right? In fact, it was so good, WWE refuses to report it. Scott Armstrong has disqualified WWE for being WWE.
Rating: **1/2
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