Love is a four-letter word that every man, woman, and child should say on television and in movies all the time. When wrestlers and or wrestling personalities fall in love, the world becomes a beautiful place in which to live. When wrestlers are in love, they don't want to wrestle. They just want to love each other, pinning their lovers to the mat with hugs and kisses. Professional wrestlers are comparable to you and I, except that their love is scheduled for one fall with a twenty-minute time limit. Disqualifications and count outs are not part of this match because love is not a bout that can be thrown around for free. Love is a feeling that is best left for Pay-Per-View events, where WWE talent can love in a graphic, TV-14-rated form.
A wrestler's love is unconditional in that no matter how tough the relationship gets, the love will continue because both lovers agreed to participate in the romance three weeks prior to the bout during an intense and dramatic contract signing. One wrestler built up his female (or male) lover as a worthy competitor who deserved the tender love of another. Next, the other wrestler deemed that love does not cost a thing, other than the forty dollars it takes to watch the love unfold on Pay-Per-View. Once in a while, the love will continue on the next Pay-Per-View, but I wouldn't guarantee that the love will be as good as before. As a means to keep the love fresh, perhaps WWE will try to place their love in a Texas Bull Rope Match. Sure, you may enjoy the sight, but the match is difficult for the lovers. They may enjoy the bull rope part, but not the Texas part.
Love makes a professional wrestler do crazy things, such as purchasing a fragrant bouquet of flowers or elbow dropping an opponent from the top turnbuckle to the ECW announce table. Love is the feeling one gets when you climb the ladder ever so slowly, reach up ever so slowly, and grab the Money in the Bank briefcase as Shelton Benjamin looks on as the loser for the trillionth time. As the moonlight falls upon this sleepy city, I pray to love and be loved one day. I wish upon several falling stars that I can love another like a wrestler loves another. Wrestlers in love seem so well-adjusted. I want that life, not just for myself, but for the fans--the wrestling fans of wrestling love.
This week, let us take a belated look at the romances of World Wrestling Entertainment in a segment I like to call, "The Love." On second thought, I don't like to call it "The Love." I love to call it "The Love." Did you see what I did there as you sit in your boxer briefs, eating Cheetos by yourself and crying to the RAW theme song? You just want to be, want to be luh-uh-oved. Do not be afraid to let WWE teach you the true meaning of love.
Wrestling history has proven that the ladies love Santino Marella. In particular, Beth Phoenix--the most ladylike of ladies--is rather sweet on the man. The romance between Beth and Santino is your typical love story: woman beats up man, man cries as woman beats him up, man gains feelings for woman who beats him up, and woman grabs girly man's ass to reciprocate the feelings. Every relationship should follow the Marella-Phoenix template, but life is not perfect. In dreams, Santino Marella and Beth Phoenix are the ideal wrestling couple. Now and again, I scour the land for my Beth Phoenix, only to find out that the average female bicep does not taste delicious at all. I'm jealous of Santino Marella for reasons other than the fact that he is Santino Marella.
Unfortunately, Rosa Mendes has involved herself in the romance picture. What is to become of the Marella-Phoenix love? I knew a woman who looked a lot like Rosa Mendes. Even though she was quite fetching in the looks department, she ruined everything in the everything department. She put maple syrup on my bacon, bacon on my pancakes, and multiple ethnicities in my bedroom. At best, my boudoir has the capacity to hold three ethnicities at best. According to my name, I am a combination of at least two ethnicities. Unless my eyes have mistaken me, Rosa Mendes is more than one ethnicity. After we had our fling, my bedroom exploded because the girl was both Costa Rican and Czech. Since I am no Santino Marella, what will happen to Santino when Rosa gets a hold of his pasta fagioli? Beth Phoenix better watch out for that hussy. Rosa is about to “home wreck” their Tuscan villa.
Estimated love time left: Santino and Beth are soulmates, but Rosa Mendes will devour their souls. I give their romance two months, just in time for a certain 25th edition of a certain annual Pay-Per-View spectacular. In other words, Santino and Beth will be done at Love-atholon XXV. Sucks to be them.
When Layla ditched that lovable scamp Jamie Noble for the 2008 King of the Ring and King of Women's Bathing Suits, I was heartbroken. Noble may not be the rich lottery winner he once was, but he had more to give her than money. For example, he had love to give Miss Layla El. While I am not sure about William Regal and Layla’s romantic relationship, Jamie Noble believes their love to be true. Hence, who am I to doubt Jamie Noble--the noblest of Jamies in the entire company? Layla fell for a gentleman who resembles a fashionable English grandmother. No mortal man can compete with William Regal.
The love between Regal and Layla is strong. At the same time, the love between Regal and Layla is not. On RAW, Layla never greets Regal with a loving embrace. She never gives him a passionate tongue cleaning. For the sake of the children, we may be better for the lack of this visual, yet their relationship struggles because of it. Where are the candlelit dinners? Where are the romantic comedies with Renée Zellweger? Where are the double-date, feathered hair appointments with the Undertaker and Michelle McCool? William Regal may be a talented technical fighter, but he is a poor technical lover. He cannot lovingly thrust his way out of a paper (or plastic) bag.
Estimated love time left: I sense a coldness between William Regal and Layla, similar to the coldness between myself and Vince McMahon. Limousines tend to explode more often than you think, Vince. Why didn’t you listen to me? Regal and Layla's relationship will be over by tomorrow.
Currently, WWE Tag Team Champions Carlito and Primo Colon are in a battle with World Tag Team Champions John Morrison and The Miz for the affection of Brie and Nikki Bella. In this tag team love triangle, I do not see a future for either possible couple. As we all know, Carlito cares more about propelling fruits from his mouth than spending time with women. As for Primo, he easily falls out of love, but then springs back into love with an '80s style comeback. John Morrison may dig the ladies, but not as much as he loves his sparkly abdominal muscles. In addition, The Miz is half as good as John Morrison, so Mizanin doesn't count for anything. Now, when you take a long look at this triangle, you cannot help but think twice about the Bella Twins themselves. Are they worth the trouble?
Many red-blooded men think twins are hot in sexual temperature because one looks women looks exactly like the other. On that note, I am not an ordinary, red-blooded male. If I wanted my tag team partner and or my brother and I to date women who looked like each other, I would take one woman, clone her, then give the clone to my Marty Jannetty. I'm sure the Marty Jannetty half of my team wouldn't mind. Even then, I wouldn't be happy about it. Of course, The Bella Twins are attractive, but they are not worth the cloning process. In fact, the only women that I would clone is Kelly Kelly. That way, our travelling family band would have stereo tambourines. In the end, don't we all want stereo tambourines?
Estimated love time left: The battle between the Colons and Miz and Morrison will end in heartbreak. Neither team will attain the love of the Bella Twins because they are the Colons and Miz and Morrison. On the next episode of Smackdown, the Colons and Miz and Morrison will date to try things out for a bit. Let them experiment.
Depending on the hour of the day, Edge is the current World Heavyweight Champion, WWE Champion, World Heavyweight Champion then WWE Champion, WWE Champion then World Heavyweight Champion, or Smackdown General Manager Vickie Guerrero's husband who obsesses about winning the World Heavyweight Championship or WWE Championship. On a recent Smackdown, after Vickie Guerrero asked the adoring fans to excuse her, Edge stepped in and requested that they should excuse her as well. Wherever you're from, that's a sign of love. One day, I wish to be lucky enough to request that the fans excuse my Smackdown general managing wife. Perhaps, my wife will be Vickie Guerrero or some other widow-turned-general manager. Either way, I will love her. We shall ride the teeter-totter, feeding each other grapes before a soft camera lens.
As a wrestling expert, Edge's love for Vickie is genuine; I can see it in his eyes. His R-Rated eyes never lie. They may contain scenes of violence, coarse language, nudity, and suggestive themes with a trout and a motorized golf ball cleaner, but his eyes are fairly truthful. In turn, Vickie Guerrero's eyes are honest. She loves Edge in an unconditional manner because his lack of a surname has allowed her to keep the Guerrero name as her own. Although Eddie Guerrero is not here with us today, I bet he's happy that Vickie has found love again. After all, Vickie was able to steal Edge's heart. One day, she shall steal ours.
Estimated love time left: The romance between Edge and Vickie Guerrero is raw and authentic, best compared to the love that Edge and Lita shared. Therefore, Edge and Vickie's love will last forever.
Have you seen the cat? If not, the cat is out of the bag. Tell your friends. After Randy Orton took out Stephanie McMahon with the RKO, none other than Triple H came out to tend to his real-life wife and stare at Orton as if he was concentrating on an antagonist bowel movement. Those bowels don't move themselves, Hunter. Push them. Use your anger towards Orton as porcelain motivation.
Hunter and Stephanie have been married for over five years. They have two children together. They are so in love that they are able to communicate with each other through crotch chops only. I was never one of those foolish analysts who believed Hunter Hearst Helmsley married Stephanie McMahon in order to cement his main event position in World Wrestling Entertainment. You see, human beings do not get the choose with whom they fall in love. Sometimes, love just blossoms like a flower in the spring time or a Mayim Bialik on NBC. Years ago, I fell in love with a girl who turned out to be the Statue of Liberty. One time, Brick Tamland fell in love with an ornate lamp. When you grow up, wrestling fans, you'll understand what I'm talking about when I talk about love. For now, reconsider hating Triple H for more logical reasons, such as the fact that his Lemmy-inspired beard appears uneven at times. What kind of superstar is this guy? Uneven beard? Un-even-believable.
Estimated love time left: Their love is as pure as white snow or high quality cocaine. They will be together for forever and a day.
No comments:
Post a Comment