This November, how will you "Smackdown Your Vote"? Until this year, Candice Michelle and Batista did not know how to Smackdown Their Vote. Sadly, they spent most of lives "Monday Night RAWing" their vote. For obvious reasons, "Monday Night RAWing" your vote does not count in the blue states. If you plan to vote for the next President of the United States by initiating a lengthy feud with a voting booth, be prepared for disappointment. Yes, you could have an arm wrestling match with a voting booth, but that is not how you vote for a cause, nor is it the most proficient method to vote for a person. Also, you could attempt to have a push-up contest with the booth à la Triple H and Scott Steiner. Then again, voting booths don't have arms. At least, voting booths used to have arms until I showed up on the scene. Now these booths must shield their single arms from my double-arm attacks. In the gentleman's game of one-upmanship, I defeat voting booths every time. Thank you for blessing me with two arms, Arm Fairy.
In 2008, voting will be hard work. If I was an American, I wouldn't know which party to pick. In my opinion, both parties look fun. I want to attend both parties in my Kenzo Suzuki Underoos and watch the 2004 Great American Bash ten times over. The Democratic Party has celebrities, Bill Clinton, and the colour blue. The Republican Party has old people, older people, and the colour red. For the Democrats, you have a Senator from Illinois who sort of sounds like The Rock. On the negative side, his middle name is Hussein. Man, I hate that name so much. Hussein Fitzgerald, my elementary school gym teacher, is an enemy of mine. What a poor elementary school gym teacher, he was. Half-court basketball in an empty gym, Mr. Fitzgerald? What were you thinking? For the Republicans, you have a war hero who never gives people enough crinkle-cut fries when they need them. On the plus side, a good-looking version of Peggy Hill supports him in his race to become the best frozen food manufacture in all the world. Although, this woman doesn't bring many crinkle-cut fries to the fry-depleted table.
In the end, the choice may be easy for you. Perhaps you are a 21st century hippy who drives a hybrid wagon made out of recyclable hemp and rainbows. Perhaps you prefer to visit the Arctic and shoot polar bears in the face. If you fall into one of these two categories, do not read this piece further. To be honest, I do not want to affiliate myself with such folk. Unlike hippies, I am a fan of soap. Plus, in my spare time, I use polar bears for short-distance transportation. Polar bears are soft and have direct access to Coca-Cola products.
For those of you young Americans who remain on the pointy, voting fence, I have fantastic news. Of course, I am not from your great country. I cannot bleed red, white, and blue for my blood is bald eagle deficient. Despite my inability to exist in America as an American, I wish to will my way to permanent American citizenship. This week, I will force my mother to go back in time, move to the United States, give birth to me, move back to Canada, then go forward in time. Why? With your vote and the backing of Pope Todd Grisham and the newly formed Swervic Party, I will become the next President of the United States of America. Move over, qualified candidates with real-world experience. I am ready to rule you with a jewel-encrusted fist.
As the nominee of the Swervic Party for the office of the President of the United States, Stephen Rivera and his running mate, Pope Todd Grisham, have an absurd amount of qualifications. Through this abundance of qualifications, Rivera, Grisham and the Swervic Party want to build a sturdy and aesthetically pleasing dam to house the country's Swervesociates. If qualifications remain after the production of this dam, the Rivera Administration will proceed to build poorly constructed announce tables for all three WWE broadcasts.
Notable Qualifications:
- Stephen Rivera once used the Master Lock, the finishing move of former WWE Superstar Chris Masters, to successfully secure his bicycle to a bicycle rack.
- Stephen Rivera predicted the Montreal Screwjob when it was known as "The Montreal Screwhobby."
- Pope Todd Grisham has glasses.
- Pope Todd Grisham is a pope.
- Stephen Rivera is pro-gun, but anti-bullets. If you haven't killed a man with bubbles, you haven’t lived.
- If Stephen Rivera unzip his pants in Canada, at least one part of his body crosses the United States border.
The Swervic Party is dedicated to keeping Swerved Nation safe from Batista's Pit of Danger. The Swervic Party does not want you to walk for miles in said dangerous pit in order to preserve enough energy to welcome and allow weapons into World Wrestling Entertainment matchups. That commitment is reflected in an agenda that emphasizes the strength of our growing nation, clever comedic parody, affordable health care for my pet lizard named Dragon "The Ricky" Steamboat, retirement security for wrestlers who don't know what retirement means, a government that hosts Brawl For Alls in the parking lot of a Sears, and civil rights for two-thirds of X-Factor. Sorry, Justin Credible. I never got what I wanted. I'm never going to get that back.
The Swervic Party has a flawless plan to form a secure and proficient America. We seek:
1) Semi: Primo Colon's forgotten brother
2) Chris Jericho's serious business suit for serious leisure time
3) William Regal's man blouse maker
4) Rey Mysterio's broken spirit that has been repaired by millions of dollars in merchandise revenue
5) DVD Pay-Per-View Anthologies without blur
6) A peanut butter ladder for Jim Ross' chocolate ladder to create the ultimate Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Ladder
7) What R-Truth designates as "up"
8) A Network TV that one can possess
9) An upside down, ceiling-mounted wrestling ring to Heaven
10) Energy independence
The Swervic Party is committed to victory in forty-nine states. To accommodate the party's alternative methods, Alaska and Hawaii must work together to form a powerful, humanoid robot state that wields some type of metallic battle axe. We're getting started for the future victory parade right now with a massive effort. We're using the state's top rope for leverage during abdominal stretches, low blowing the other parties behind the referee's back, and prematurely leaving each state during the contest to spark interest in a moneymaking, Pay-Per-View rematch with both major parties.
What is the Swervic Party's ultimate goal? Forty-nine states of loyal Swervesociates, brought together to form an omnipotent, indestructible, humanoid robot state that wields some type of golden battle axe while it dances like Alex Wright in a crowded, sweaty German discotheque.
The Swervic Party does not necessarily care for representing, respecting, and protecting the interests of hardworking Americans. Deep down in the darkest of bellies, the Swervic Party despises the interests of hardworking Americans. Does the party come to your two-storey outhouse and tell you how to raise your bratty tax deductions? Does the party visit your workplace and tell you how to exotically strip for diminutive Japanese businessman with mommy issues? In the middle of the night, does the Swervic Party sneak into bedroom and make out with your wife while she sleeps? No, the Swervic Party does not commit any of these actions (on a frequent basis). Since the Swervic Party doesn't tell hardworking Americans how to do their jobs, hardworking Americans should not tell the Swervic Party what to do.
On September 2, 2008, the Rivera Campaign and the Swervic National Committee unveiled "American, Not Americannot: The Swervic Platform for Swerving," a trailblazing initiative to include American wrestling fans in our platform process.
In total, one million meetings were held with one person in attendance per meeting from 4:33 PM to 4:37 PM. Americans stood by themselves in empty warehouses, bathroom stalls, dentist offices, skate parks, utility closets, fruit trucks, ninja training facilities, and conference rooms to engage in a thorough discussion about the Swervic Party's unexplained absence. At one meeting, an attendee thought Stephen Rivera had arrived to take out the garbage, only to find out that the individual in question was the cleaning lady.
"This was an informative meeting. I learned about myself and the lives of others. In the back of the room, a large potted plant from California showed up. Towards the end of the meeting, the plant fainted. I wasn't sure what to do. I thought it was dead. As I gave the plant mouth-to-roots resuscitation, I found out it was just fake. I am grateful to the Swervic Party for this opportunity to get to first base with one of the nation's greatest ornamental plants. I was safe at first base for sure, if you know what I mean." - Poughkeepsie, New York
"Hey, is that Stephen Rivera, the leader of the Swervic Party? Why is he emptying the garbage? Is this the beginning of the Emptying Garbage Initiative? I am a part of history. Somebody mention me in a textbook before it's too late." - Portland, Oregon
"The meeting in a stranger’s backyard was a tremendous success. One out of one of us in attendance had never visited that stranger's backyard before. Within the first few minutes, we were giddy and started backyard wrestling with ourselves. We moonsaulted on a bag of fertilizer, then used a cheese grater on our back.
As a group of one, we recognize that our role in the upcoming election will not involve moonsaulting fertilizer bags or grating our backs to make human cheese for cannibals. Although, we appreciate the fact that the Rivera Campaign took the time and effort to not show up to or exert physical effort for their cause. We are thankful for the chance to backyard wrestle with ourselves in front of zero fans. After the meeting, we believe we are ready for a new President. Out of the three main choices, Stephen Rivera and the Swervic Party is definitely 'a choice.'" - Dover, Delaware
"From all one of our attendees, all felt an overwhelming sense of patriotic pride and loneliness. When the meeting ended, we were happy to play Solitaire in our one-bedroom apartments. In between games, we ate cold fish sticks through the tears. One day, maybe Trish Stratus can return, fall in love with us, and buy us a working microwave with her love. We want a woman and or cooked fish sticks." - Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania
"I seriously thought that cleaning lady was Stephen Rivera. Are you sure that wasn’t him? Well, that was one handsome cleaning lady." - Portland, Oregon
Thank you to each and every person who took the time out of their busy schedules to stand around. Congratulations to the fortunate few who realized that even though Stephen Rivera, Pope Todd Grisham, and the Swervic Party could not attend the meetings in person, they were there in spirit, waiting for the hot tag. Under the Rivera Administration, look for these meetings to continue until one and one-half people decide to attend.
This November, the Swervic Party cannot succeed on its own. In 2008, the Swervic Party will be your Shawn Michaels. Can you be the party’s Marty Jannetty? As one, we shall travel across America on a cross-country tour of barbershop windows. After that tour concludes, let's hope one of us becomes a legend. At this time of year, Stephen Rivera and the Swervic Party require a well-lit terrarium with plenty of food and water. Furthermore, Stephen Rivera only eats and drinks money. Go ahead and throw your wallet into a blender to prepare a dollar bill purée. Don’t be afraid to grind spare change to make a pot of coffee that tastes like dirty hands and nickel. Do your part to bring Stephen Rivera and the Swervic Party to the office of the President of the United States today.
How to Take Action:
- Volunteer your organs to the Swervic Party. The party may need these organs later to build a powerful yet misunderstood monster who throws a little girl in a lake, mistaking her buoyancy to that of a pretty summer flower.
- Register to vote for the Swervic Party. You cannot vote for the Swervic Party in the 2008 United States Presidential Election if you do not register. Vote or die or live and not vote. A Swervic Party victory will ensure the construction of a DQ in the honour of every disqualification, the isolation of a Hell in every Cell, and a shameless pat on the back in every "Did You Know?" segment on WWE television.
- Send your mascot suggestions to the Swervic Party Headquarters. The Democratic Party has a donkey. The Republican Party has an elephant. So far, the Swervic Party's mascot is
Stephanie McMahon's onscreen dog Lucy in an old-fashioned gentleman's costume. She's dressed for the opera, but would rather have a biscuit.
- Call your local radio stations and inform them about Stephen Rivera and the Swervic Party. Forget about free tickets to the Fig Newton Expo and spread the gospel. The lack of heated, talk radio discussions about professional wrestling analysts who run for office disturbs the Swervic Party. Breaker Breaker Jethro and Reverend PoPo of the Wakey-Breaky Morning Crew on 99.4 WOWO FM must get with the program.
- Sign petitions to make the Swerved Party the sole political party of your United States. Like WWE, Stephen Rivera strives for a monopoly so he does not have to do work or entertain you anymore.
- Go to the circus and steal their clown cars. The Swervic Party bets that clowns are planning something wicked and terrorlicious in that clown car. How could they not? Fifty clowns come out of that one car. They're not having a tea party in that clown car.
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