This month, 30 WWE Superstars from RAW, Smackdown, and ECW will compete in an over the top, over-the-top battle royal for the right to wrestle for a championship title in the fourth to last match at WrestleMania XXV. In the past, winners of the Royal Rumble have gone on to do great things. As the third entry in the 1992 Royal Rumble, Ric Flair attained an unbelievable victory, then became really old looking in the face area. In 1994, Bret Hart and Lex Luger were the first and only co-winners of the rumble, then shared a large banana split at Baskin Robbins (it wasn't even their birthday at the time). At the peak of the Attitude Era in 1999, current WWE Chairman slash limousine explosion survivour Vince McMahon defeated the incomparable Stone Cold Steve Austin to prove that bosses are superior to their employees in the context of a Royal Rumble Match. If you are an employee and wish to fight your boss in a future predetermined match, do not choose the Royal Rumble. From the beginning of time, bosses have been trained to win the Royal Rumble. If you must wrestle your boss at a Pay-Per-View, please find the means to do it in a match that does not future twenty-eight other guys, twenty-eight of whom do not bother you in a professional or personal manner.
Every January, I look forward to the Royal Rumble. I enjoy seeing two big men having a standoff in the center of the ring for no discernable reason other than the fact that they are of similar height and or weight and or build. No matter which competitors involve themselves in the match, I can't get enough of ten guys working together to throw a fat man up and over the top rope. Based on my own experiences, fat men cannot clumsily tumble up and over the top rope by themselves. Therefore, I am glad that ten guys can put their differences aside for the sake of banishing the morbidly obese from their Royal Rumble society. More often than not, witnessing one wrestler pretending to shove another to the floor while the other pretends to have difficulty holding onto the ropes is a fun visual for everyone. And finally, Shawn Michaels skinning the cat is never not outstanding. In particular, this aforementioned Royal Rumble moment inspires me to skin a dog. Skinning a dog consists of skinning the cat, except that you dress the dog in hilarious human clothes after you do so.
Although I have no doubt that the 2009 Royal Rumble will be a tremendous Royal Rumble avec fromage, I wish to create my own Royal Rumble out of sheer curiosity. If I had to guess, the winner of the 2009 Royal Rumble will be Lilian Garcia for she will announce the rules of the match beforehand -- thereby establishing herself as the first entrant -- then leave under the top rope to keep herself in said bout without actually competing. When the referee raises Randy Orton's hand, Lilian will sneak up from behind, hit the Jon Secada Bomb, then eliminate the tatooed one. At No Way Out, Lilian will defeat Randy Orton, JBL, Shawn Michaels, Kane, and CM Punk in the RAW Elimination Chamber Match to solidify her spot at WrestleMania XXV versus John Cena. While I cannot wait to bear witness to the Age of Lilian, I want to know who will be the victor of my Royal Rumble first.
Of course, World Wrestling Entertainment assures its viewers that their Royal Rumble is an unpredictable and random event, but any intelligent wrestling fan knows that they are lying. In order to function in the day, they eat, lie, eat, and lie some more. They are liars who lie in the green grass of lies. If they were a Chinese panda at the famous San Diego Zoo, their name would be Lie Lie. They love their hammocks because hammocks allow them to rest in the shade and lie. They are Mr. Kennedy when interviewers ask him about steroids in wrestling. In turn, what is The Swerved's version of the Royal Rumble? Honest greatness.
The Swerved Royal Rumble Rules:
- In total, the match will consist of 30 wrestlers: twelve RAW Superstars, twelve Smackdown Superstars, and six ECW Superstars. Why only six ECW Superstars, you ask? I do not want to see Tony Atlas in this match... twice. Do you?
- With current storylines and injuries in mind, I will choose the 30 participants based on personal preference, level of athleticism, level of charisma, entertainment potential, and general scent. For those superstars who smell like an arctic breeze, this is your lucky day.
- I will determine the entrance number of each competitor via random drawing. After consulting with NASA and Mensa International to determine the best possible way to conduct this random drawing, their conclusion was the following: draw names out of a hat, you foolish fool. Fifteen billion dollars later, here we are, changing the game for the better.
- When I draw a name from the Random Hat of Virtue, that competitor will be officially eliminated. Next, I will draw a second name from the hat to determine the wrestler who caused the elimination. At this point, I will return the second name to the hat. The last name remaining in the hat will become the winner of The Swerved Royal Rumble for the year 2009.
- The Swerved Royal Rumble is brought to you by Michael Cole. Michael Cole: In wine country, everything is vintage.
CM Punk, Cody Rhodes, Dolph Ziggler, Kane, Kofi Kingston, Mike Knox, Randy Orton, Rey Mysterio, Santino Marella, Shawn Michaels, Ted DiBiase,
William Regal
Dolph Ziggler: At this point, everyone knows his name, but do they know the real Dolph Ziggler? Since the Royal Rumble is one of the biggest events of the year, this match is Ziggler's perfect opportunity to reveal his true self. Why does he insist on reminding every member of the RAW roster that his name is Dolph Ziggler? Is Dolph Ziggler the ziggling man of German ancestry that WWE fans have grown to know and love, or does he project a false persona? What is beneath the ziggling? A lasting emptiness?
Shawn Michaels: At the moment, Shawn Michaels is fairly busy, working at his new job, looking sad and frustrated while JBL sports a hat that is not made of straw. On the other hand, the Royal Rumble needs the star power of Shawn Michaels. Without Shawn, what is the Royal Rumble? A three-ring, sixty-man battle royal at WCW World War III? I don't think so. Glacier shouldn't get the chance to win any match, let alone one with royal implications.
Mike Knox: Mike Knox and Mike Knox Beard should be separate entrants, but since they cannot enter at separate times, they will work together. Mike Knox Beard holds the power of Chris Jericho's old goat beard, the Highlanders' beards that competed on Internet Heat, and Edge's beard from hell. You cannot deny the awesome power of his awesome beard. I bet I can find buried treasure or the lost city of Atlantis in his beard.
Goldust: Unfortunately, the enigmatic Goldust will not compete in The Swerved Royal Rumble. In this economy, I am not willing to shell out the two dollars that Goldust requires to purchase gold paint. Unless Dustin Rhodes wants to buy his own gold paint, he's a healthy scratch. Perhaps he can staple gold jewelry to his face, or make out with a golden robot. The robot does have to be attractive or fun to be around, but the robot must be gold.
Manu: To my dismay, Manu is the least intimidating, Samoan power wrestler in the history of World Wrestling Entertainment. I would prefer to clone Umaga and place him in the match than give Manu this precious spot. I would hire Rikishi's posterior to be the thirtieth entrant before I would let Manu into the contest. I know someone who looks exactly like Manu. Her name is Rosalita, who makes my bed when I am not passed out on it. She never leaves mints.
Sim Snuka: Once again, Sim Snuka looks so much like "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka that it is if as though they are not related by blood at all. If Sim Snuka does not clean his act up and apologize to Domino and Cherry for leaving them, may Arthur Fonzarelli use him as water skis while he attempts to jump over a shark in a lake. Sundays are not happy days for you, Simothy. Get your leather jacket back and Kick somebody named 'Em in the mouth, or don't bother wrestling anymore.
Big Show, The Brian Kendrick, The Great Khali, Hurricane Helms, Ken Kennedy, MVP, R-Truth, Shelton Benjamin, Triple H, Umaga, Undertaker, Vladimir Kozlov
Ken Kennedy: Like World Wrestling Entertainment, I don't mind shamelessly plugging direct-to-video projects that feature talent who have never acted in legitimate films before. Ted DiBiase, Jr. in The Marine 2, anyone? Sign me up on one of several dotted lines on the non-existent, sign-up sheet. In the film industry, lack of experience or credibility equals success. Hence, Ken Kennedy is the perfect candidate to star in WWE's latest and greatest action film release. While I have not seen Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia yet, I plan to watch it with a grin on my face. In the end, I hope Kennedy's character saves that donkey from Juan Valdez, kills Juan Valdez with a Mic Check that creates a fiery explosion somehow, then retains high quality coffee beans for all. Assuming that he saves the world, I'll let him into the Rumble.
MVP: In general, Montel Vontavious Porter creates his own luck. In other words, he is a poor luck creator. I am not sure where WWE wants to take Montel Vontavious Porter, but as long as he continues to breathe right with that Breathe Right Nasal Strip, I am happy for him. Out of pity, MVP will participate in The Swerved Royal Rumble. Although, he will participate at a price. He shall put his Breathe Right Nasal Strip on the line.
Hurricane Helms: The man formerly known as Gregory, who was formerly known as The Hurricane, will receive his shot in the Royal Rumble Match to establish his tweaked character: he is a hurricane whose real name is Gregory. In lieu of a hurricane coming through, Gregory comes through, which is a much more dangerous natural disaster than a hurricane. Three years ago, a Gregory came through Swerved City. What became of Swerved City? The city boasts two Gregorys. I'm thinking about moving now.
Kung Fu Naki: The elder statesmen from Japan who others believe to be Chinese sometimes will compete in The Swerved Royal Rumble for legal reasons. You see, The Swerved is not certified to allow stereotypical Asian characters into the Royal Rumble because stereotypical Asian characters are the worst. In fact, stereotypical Asian characters are so offensive and bland that Jimmy Wang Yang prefers to act like a stereotypical cowboy from the Southern United States instead. World Wrestling Entertainment might as well go back in time, force Funaki to become an expert violinist at thirteen months old, then physically and verbally abuse him when he fails to get straight As on his elementary school report card. Funaki will become a doctor or his family will disown him.
Festus: Every time a bell rings, Festus, who is an angel in his own right, does not receive a pair of wings. Whenever Festus hears the bell, he gets angry because he knows that he will never receive those wings. If I was Festus, I would be mad as well, but I don't need his angry self in the match. As his tongue hangs out, the other wrestlers will bring their stamps. Nobody wants to see wrestlers send and receive letters for sixty minutes straight.
Ezekiel Jackson: As The Brian Kendrick's bodyguard, Ezekiel Jackson will not be available to wrestle in The Swerved Royal Rumble. During the match, he will dedicate half of his time to save Kendrick from elimination, then spend the other half looking confused and concerned. "Did I close the garage door before I left? Did I remember to turn off the stove? Are my whites their whitest, or should I switch to Gain?" Ezekiel Jackson is a complicated fellow with his own wants and needs.
Matt Hardy, John Morrison, The Miz, Mark Henry, Finlay, DJ Gabriel
The Miz: Some claim that The Miz is the John Oates of the Hall & Oates tandem that is Morrison & Miz, but I respectfully disagree. For one, The Miz is a chick magnet. In a Royal Rumble against 29 baby chickadees, The Miz has got this win in the bag. In a Royal Rumble against 29 magnets, he's going to repel against them, which could be quite interesting.
Finlay: I assume Hornswoggle desires to take part in The Swerved Royal Rumble, but you know what? He doesn't have his parent's permission. Perhaps, he lost his permission form on his way to leprechaun school. He had a lot on his mind that day. He had a quiz on pot of gold protection; the quiz did not end well. In his disappointed state, Finlay will step in and fight for the right of his son. Good fathers let their leprechaun sons compete in The Swerved Royal Rumble. Then again, great fathers replace their leprechaun sons when they are feeling down.
DJ Gabriel: Every week, Donna Joe Gabriel amazes me with his ability to dance his way to victory. If Disco Inferno and Alex Wright had the appropriate reproductive organs to make an offspring, that offspring would be DJ Gabriel. Also, I would steal that offspring and raise him as my own. With the addition of this gentleman, WWE and The Swerved Royal Rumble have automatically improved. Can you go wrong with this dancing wrestler? No, you cannot. You can only win all dang day.
Tommy Dreamer: If Tommy Dreamer does not win the ECW Championship by early June, he will retire. If Tommy Dreamer does not compete in The Swerved Royal Rumble this month, he continue to wear t-shirts that promote the WWE Pay-Per-View of the month to cover his extreme flab. If I do not include Tommy Dreamer in The Swerved Royal Rumble, I will be okay. I want a pair of velour pants, though.
Ricky Ortiz: Despite the positive implications of Ricky Ortiz's inclusion into The Swerved Royal Rumble, the negative implications outweigh them. What will happen if Ricky Ortiz enters the match with a new haircut? I do not condone any haircuts in the future of one Ricky Ortiz. Forever and ever, I want him to resemble a mature, muscly, male version of Little Orphan Annie. He will dance with Daddy Warbucks or the sun will not come out tomorrow. At best, he is a risk.
The Boogeyman: In his WWE career, The Boogeyman has wrestled negative two times, one of which ended up in a disqualification when he tried to get his worms to wrestle for him. The Swerved Royal Rumble is for wrestlers. Technically, The Boogeyman is a wrestler, but officially, he is a strange man with a questionable, daily food regimen. When he learns two more moves, and understands that worms are part of a complete breakfast rather than the entire breakfast, I will reconsider my decision.
1 (The "Biggest Little Man Who Lies on the Canvas Until the Final Moments of the Match" Spot): Shawn Michaels
2: Mark Henry
3 (The "The Number Three" Spot): The Brian Kendrick
4: Hurricane Helms
5: Shelton Benjamin
6: William Regal
7: The Great Khali
8 (The "Ziggling" Spot): Dolph Ziggler
9: John Morrison
10 (The "Home Meats" Spot): Vladimir Kozlov
11 (The "Home Cheeses" Spot): Santino Marella
12: Matt Hardy
13 (The "Behind Frenemy Lines" Spot): Ken Kennedy
14: The Miz
15 (The "Tanner Household" Spot): DJ Gabriel
16: Undertaker
17: Big Show
18 (The "Eighteen Vipers Viping" Spot): Randy Orton
19 (The "Oxygen Stealer" Spot): Cody Rhodes
20 (The "Decorative Facial Hair" Spot): Mike Knox
21 (The "Batman" Spot): Rey Mysterio
22 (The "Belongings for Second Hand Chicken Broth" Spot): MVP
23: Kane
24: Umaga
25 (The "Convenient Head Violence Forgiveness" Spot: Ted DiBiase
26: Finlay
27: CM Punk
28: R-Truth
29: Kofi Kingston
30 ( The "Took Too Long Voluntarily Looking for Naked Vickie Guerrero Pictures on eBay" Spot): Triple H
As the winner of The Swerved Royal Rumble, RAW Superstar Kofi Kingston receives the WrestleMania XXV opportunity to face John Cena for the World Heavyweight Championship, Jeff Hardy for the WWE Championship, or Jack Swagger for the ECW Championship. Obviously, WWE releases Kofi Kingston before WrestleMania XXV.
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