The Swerved Recordings: The Great Khali

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. The Doors. Paul Wall. Throughout the years, geniuses of music have shown the world the limitless potential of song. Their ditties are known classics, yet they have relevance in the modern world as well. The impact these individuals have had on our culture has been nothing but monumental. Their music makes us think, makes us laugh, makes us cry, and makes us pee sometimes with excitement. It's safe to say they will forever be etched into the history of our time. Simply put, they are the greats.

This summer, The Great Khali joins the other greats with his first hip-hop/gangster jazz/death bluegrass album. When he first debuted for World Wrestling Entertainment, he took Smackdown by storm. He yelled a whole bunch, stood next to Daivari, and gently touched his hand against the Undertaker's face to suggest a punch while confined inside of a cage made of wooden pick-up sticks. About a day or so after that, he entered Extreme Championship Wrestling to combat the titanic forces of Nunzio and spiky-mohawked Shannon Moore. Currently, the superstars of RAW must deal with the wrath of the giant from the Punjab Jungle. How will they survive? Well, he has a weakness. You see, there's only one thing Khali admires more than defeating adversaries with one-half of a move in a five second bout -- crackers.


The Great Kahli's Khali Want A Cracker

1. Gotsta Git Salty
2. Cracker Soft
3. Cracker Too Hard
4. Saltine Slam (ft. Toucan Slam)
5. Biskick to the Face
6. What's Soup?
7. Lgjshfoiehflahjdhl Part 1
8. Any Which Wafer But Soggy
9. Daivari Calls It A Cookie (That's Why He Doesn't Manage Me Anymore)
10. Gotsta Git Salty (Punjab of Flavour Remix)
11. Lgjshfoiehflahjdjl Part 2
12. Cracker Just Right
13. Is John Cena's Belt Made of Shiny Crackers? (If So, I'll Be Taking It Then)
14. WWE Super-Oy-Star
Although Khali loves nothing more than to display his unfaltering strength every Monday night, the light crispiness of a salted cracker tugs at his tastebuds. He may be larger than life itself, but he is reduced to mere inches in comparison to the delectable flavour explosion of a plain and toasted biscuit of dough. There's no doubt about it -- he loves crackers; he wants you to love it too. If music be the food of love, Khali is ready to croon a smorgasbord of crackling deliciousness into your CD and or MP3 and or old-timey gramophone music player post haste.

The critics are unanimous. Khali Want A Cracker is the best album yet. If you don't agree, you are most likely a neanderthal who tree slams infants. Also, possibly you have a stupid preference for bread and bready only:

"I pictured him as more of a toaster strudel enthusiast. Still good, though." - WWE Champion John Cena

"We have to shut down our factories due to his immense obsession for crackers. One of our workers was holding a cracker recently. Khali barged into the facility, ate the cracker in the man's hand, then ate the man's hand before eating the man entirely. He was 26 years young."
- The Nabisco Corporation

"He's a monster... of talent."
- WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler

"It's The Great Khali. It's crackers. My life is complete."
- Vince McMahon

"Look at The Great Khali. He's big. He just did a horrible looking move right there, but don't pay attention to that. Oh, that other move was bowling shoe ugly in a ugly tenth lane of Ugbowlerama, but please look away. He's pretty huge. Focus on the largeness. Large. Ness. Big."
- RAW Head Announcer Jim "Skittle Braü" Ross

"The most articulate album you'll ever listen to in 2007"
- Umaga
This summer, The Great Khali puts it on the Ritz. A little birdie told me that this album was actually ill-conceived and a black-eye on the music industry. It also claimed that Khali was the worst musician ever, in addition to the crappiest wrestler in WWE today. It turns out that bird has recently died of natural causes via some sort of freak accident involving the bird's face and a large, pointy rock owned by me. Unfortunately, he did not have life insurance, so his family will not receive Grievance Crackers. Alas, this is what fate will get you when you don't go out, purchase, and adore this album.

The Swerved Recordings
The Great Khali - Khali Want A Cracker
In stores when he feels like it.

*****

This WWEek in WWE Khalis of the WWEek

Q: Did you know that The Great Khali, the RAW giant currently dominating Monday nights, is actually a gigantic robot controlled by a group of about 1,000 WWE employees?

A: Sure.