Single White E-mails

In this installment of The Swerved: Special Edition, I comment on an article I typed sometime around October of the year 2005. What a unique time it was. Leaves were falling on the ground... and there was a pumpkin somewhere. The following piece was the first of an entire series entitled Single White E-mails. To this day, people wonder if the questions I answered came from actual fans. To set the record straight, these queries were from true wrestling enthusiastics. For instance, former fifty-thousand-time WWE Women's Champion Trish Stratus wrote a letter to me. Why would I lie about that?

*****
The Wrestling Professor is a lot like The Ultimate Warrior. For instance, he just recently changed his first name to "The Wrestling". Also, he wears neon tassels and runs a lot. Honestly, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have no introduction.

(You don't have to be The Ultimate Warrior to own arm taseels. You don't even have to be The Ulimate Warrior to run a lot. At the end of the day, we can't always be Ultimate. Sometimes, we're lucky to be The Penultimate Water Boy.)

Although, I actually do.

You see, the world is a busy place. We are all busy in a way. What way is that exactly? When I mention that most of us have to inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide on a consistent basis, you will understand why children today have to be raised by television and microwaves rather than their own parents. The Wrestling Professor is one of those select individuals with little time to spare. As a human being, he simply cannot reply to every single letter he receives. Therefore, I will try my hand at answering questions from the heralded mailbag, some even directed towards me. Due to this being a mailbag of the electronic variety, I feel slightly detached from the process. So, I took it upon myself to fill a potato sack with large pieces of confetti. I will be disappointed every time I try to grab a letter from the sack, but it's going to be quite the celebration when I do.

(When I win my first professional wrestling championship, I'm not going to celebrate with confetti raining down on me. It's too overdone. To the readers of this entry, please remind me to replace the confetti supply in the rafters with knives. My victory celebration will be superb.)

Anyway, here are your questions and my answers:

Lend Me Your Cheers

What is your favourite catchphrase? -Jonathan Velasquez of Portland, Oregon

S: One of the most profitable wrestling catchphrases that I've heard recently would have to be the "What time is it? It's Summer Time!" line said by Summer from the 2005 RAW Diva Search. I think summer is a wonderful time period and since I do not have a clock that can tell me which season it is, that young woman has helped me greatly; let it be known that I cannot thank her enough. I tried using Vader's catchphrase in a useful way, but I found it to be damn near impossible. "It's Time! It's Time! It's Vader Time!" does not play a part in my daily routine as I do not know what time "Vader Time" actually is. Is Vader Time relegated to a certain time zone and/or hemisphere? Could it be a time different from the top of the hour? Is it half past Vader now and if so, what time is that really? There are just too many confusing questions that go along with Vader Time as opposed to Summer Time. Now, if you're talking about PRIME TIME BABY, that's entirely different. If you don't know when PRIME TIME BABY is, I suggest you go back to school to obtain your SED (Skipper Equivalency Diploma).

(If I ran a wrestling company, Elix Skipper would be my top star. Just as Triple H had Evolution, Skipper would have a stable named Elixir. He would be the leader, Prince Iuakea would be the grizzled veteran, and Disorderly Conduct would still lose every match ever.)

No Stratusfaction

"I'm such a great fan of your sexy, sexy work. You're the greatest person ever. You should be the WWE World AND Women's Champion of writing. I can't tell you how much I love what you do. Maybe we should get together some time to talk about how great you are. You know, why don't we get ourselves a hotel room and have a little fun? You can (expletive) my nice (expletive) as I (expletive) your hot (expletive). As we (expletive) all day in that (expletive), we can go into a steamy (expletive) until you (expletive) on my fine (expletive) and I (expletive) until I can't (expletive) no more. We can then (expletive) and (expletive) my big (expletive) as I walk over and (expletive) that long (expletive) and (expletive). All through the night we'll (expletive) and (expletive) that (expletive) while we (expletive) on a credenza among the company of giraffes. If you’re interested, contact me at (number withheld)."
-Hungrily yours, Trish Stratus

S: Excuse me, fair maiden? I just dropped my monocle in a fine glass of Chardonnay in reaction to this. For shame, Ms. Stratus. While I do appreciate your comments, I cannot say the same for the questionable adult content of your letter. Perchance on a moonlight dreary you have thought to yourself such vile and sinful thoughts, but I am a man of forthwith distinction and will not partake in your request. Believe you me when I say with great conviction that I find you quite attractive to mine eye, but your words are distinctly opposite. This is not everyday speak from a WWE Diva and I am flabbergasted to an considerable degree. Firstly, you cannot (expletive) an (expletive) without the proper diving equipment and a swimming buddy in tow. Second of all, this question and answer section is solely reserved for professional wrestling related queries. Finally, this fine publication is targeted towards small children and families. With that said, we must uphold ourselves to such honorable standards at all times. So, I reluctantly thank you for your input. Please keep reading otherwise.

P.S.: To (expletive) on a credenza is illegal in North America, but I'm in on the giraffes. I'll be in Room (number withheld) at (name withheld) in (location withheld).

(She never got to meet me. Oh, that poor young woman. She wanted the life of luxury on Boardwalk and Park Place, but ended up marrying the mayor of 2nd Place Beauty Contest Winnerville.)

Russoriffic?

What do you think of Vince Russo?
-Wince Busso of Yew Nork, Yew Nork.

(When TNA fans chanted "Fire Russo!" at a recent Pay-Per-View, I frowned. Vince Russo's writing may not hit it out of the park every time, but when it comes down to the 4th quarter, he'll get the empty net goal into the uprights. Upon hearing such chants, Vince Russo's heart must have sunk into his chest and filed for bankruptcy of affection. For shame, TNA fans. You are no better than WWE, what with your incoherent screaming, unique odours, and questionable fashion sense.)

S: I think Mr. Russo is a tremendous person. If I were the Queen, and lived in England, and had a tiara and a horse carriage, and had a palace that I could call my very own, and had a delicious meal one day, and watched old episodes of Nitro, and saw Vince Russo on them, and saw Thunder right after, and had another scrumptious meal, and saw him win the WCW Title, and then walked around for a little bit because my left leg was cramping up, and then used a rotary telephone to order pizza, and then watched WCW Saturday Night, and then had a nap, and then woke up a little groggy so I rested in a daybed, and then woke up again, and then flew a kite, and then came back inside to put on my large hat with twig-like decorations, and then drank some tea with two teaspoons of sugar, and then ate the delivered pizza by having one maid hold my mouth open as the other dispensed the food while making airplane noises, and then thought about stuff...I would maybe most likely probably consider knighting Vince Russo sometime this millennium.

Today, Not Tomorrow Nor Yesterday

Who do you think are the best wrestlers still competing today?
-Clementine Pratt of Calgary, Alberta

S: Here are a few off the top of my head:
-Eddie Guerrero (There is no explanation needed for this, homes. You can count on that, gardens. Oil of Olay, Vato. Pizza la raza.)
-Kurt Angle (With injuries and all, he's still one of the most talented individuals I'll ever see in a wrestling ring. Additional kudos to him as I'm told that he plans to name his next son or daughter 90 Degree.)
-Jay Leno (I gave his 1998 Road Wild Match 4.5 stars because I admired his finishing maneuvre -- The Pin. It was so great that Stephanie McMahon stole the move for her very own.)
-Chris Benoit (Still great for his age and could put on a good match with a broomstick and a Match of the Year Candidate with a unused Swiffer Sweeper. On a related note, I think that putting your significant other in The Crippler Crossface during the wintertime is a great way to both warm their captured hand in place of a mitten and for them to touch you intimately.)
-Carson Daly (One of the greatest wrestling talk show hosts to never wrestle. He's this low on the list as I find his "Being Carson Daly" gimmick greatly offensive to other hosts in general and Latinos. Otherwise, he's excellent.)
-"The Macho Man" Fred Savage (Wrestlemania VII: Kevin Arnold reunites with Miss Winnie Cooper after losing to Wayne Arnold. Enough said. He's still as awesome now as he was then, if not better.)

(I heard that Carson Daly's style is akin to King's Road. I don't what that means, but I assume it has something to do with being not good at the funny.)

Chandler and Moniker

If you could pick a nickname to call yourself, what would it be?
-Wesley Bernard of Tampa Bay, Florida

S: To answer this question, I need to use a quirky and humorous anecdote:

I was eating lunch one day at a restaurant when "You Can't See Me" played over the speakers and John Cena stepped into the place flailing his arms everywhere and angrily spinning his belt at the elderly and tiny babies. Fed up with his antics, I grabbed a microphone from a nearby microphone vending machine and cut a freestyle on him, remarking "You think you're street when you're all just bunk. You're not fully crunk unless you're Zest-fully crunk". He then grabbed a microphone, pumped up his high-top shoes, and called me "Stephen-2-Thrifty-When-It-Comes-To-Fruit-Flavoured-Brand-Name-Cereals". I walked up to him and raised his arm in humble defeat. Therefore, I think Stephen-2-Thrifty-When-It-Comes-To-Fruit-Flavoured-Brand-Name-Cereals would be my nickname. I can't help but admit that what he said is true. I like Rainbow Rings as opposed to Fruit Loops. He caught me.

(Before you got swerved on this here blog, John Cena stomped my yard. He stomped it good. My lawn can't grow grass anymore. I would go to Home Depot to replace my yard, but I'm afraid he'll come back and make it tap out or something like that.)

SpikedTV?

Do you think Total Non-Stop Action Wrestling (TNA) can make it?
-J. Bailey of Sacramento, California

S: I asked a few fans about this and I've come to the conclusion that it definitely can. One fan responded with "What's a TNA? Can you eat it?". Another thought it was some sort of disease you get through intercourse (definition: combining two mini-golf courses into one). If those answers are any indication, Jerry and Jeff Jarrett have a moneymaker on their hands. Imagine if they named the promotion Incomplete Part-Time Postponement Tiddlywinks. They would have never made it, unless any of you believe otherwise. If you know what's good for you...you do not.

(Now that I ponder the thought, Incomplete Part-time Postponement Tiddlywinks would be a fantastic name for a wrestling federation. Wait, I believe I have ten million dollars in my trust fund. Maybe I should start my company right now. Somebody get Elix Skipper on the phone. Don't ask for Mean Mike or Tough Tom. They can be Chatty Cathys.)

Inside The Columnist's Studio

Hello there. Big fan of the site. I've interviewed the biggest stars in entertainment, and now I'd like to interview someone completely different. In terms of sports entertainment, I have always wondered what your answers would be to the following questions below...

(I think James Lipton just dissed me in the above paragraph. Oh, he "wonders" what my answers will be? Is he saying that I'm Wonder Bread or something? I'll show him. Let me summon the confetti from the ceiling first. His suit is definitely going to be riddled with pieces of thin, colourful, stray paper, and he won't be able to do anything to stop it.)

Sincerely,
James Lipton

S: 01. What is your favorite word?
Slammiversary

02. What is your least favorite word?
Wrestling

03. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
International objects, "modified versions" of moves, diva searching and finding

04. What turns you off?
Wrestling Gods, grappling priests, rapping monks

05. What is your favorite curse word?
Slammiversary

06. What sound or noise do you love?
You the know the noise when a wrestler is about to do a run-in, and his music hits, and the fans go nuts with insane anticipation for his arrival? You do? Good, because my answer to this question is the sound that a cowbell makes.

(A cowbell usually goes "Oooooh Chavo!" I don't recall where I found that cowbell. Possibly, I was playing the instrument incorrectly when it made the sound, though I cannot confirm that claim.)

07. What sound or noise do you hate?
Spitting in the face of people who want to be cool, but do not have the appropriate funding readily available to them to be cool. Spitting is always full of hatred and saliva, and costs ten grand each instance due to the newly enforced Inner Apple Exposure Tax, so why do it?

08. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Special Guest Bottom Turnbuckle

09. What profession would you not like to do?
Slammiversary

(Slammiversary is the new bingo. There was a farmer who had a dog and Slammiversary was it's name-o... S-L-A... and all that. I'm tired. Give me a break.)

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"I got everything I ever wanted, and I'll never give that back. Oh I know you hate X-Factor, but you ain't gotta look at me like that. You ain't gotta look at me like that..."

(Some entrance theme historians claim that X-Factor had the worst music in the history of wrestling. I beg to differ. Look, not everything on this planet can be rocking. Also, X-Pac was there. That's my argument. Good night.)

By the way, thanks for your support and good luck with your Cup-A-Soup franchise, Mr. Lipton.

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 15th

The answer to last week's Squared Circle of Fortune:

Hustle Loyalty Recycle

WWE Champion John Cena has the heart of the champion, the arms of a winner, the head of a fighter, the body of a wrestler, and the legs of a recycler. You can help the champ today by gathering stray aluminum cans to make future aluminum cans. Give an FU to those who lazily discard their old newspapers in the garbage. Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. Word life to your respective mothers.

*****

World Tag Team Title Match
The Hardys vs. The Hardy Boys

Affirmative
Enthusiastic scream

They're gonna look for some treasure
In a haunted cave, I presume
Detectives solving a mystery
Where the flying fudge is Nancy Drew?

They're gonna get in some trouble
But they'll hide behind some trees, yeah
In wooded areas and jungles
They look around preppily

The Question
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

I'll take a glance at something that happened in the past. Possibly, it will comedic.

AND

Why does an undertaker need a title? Why does an undertaker even wrestle? I want undertakers competing in a wrestling ring the same way I want gynecologists building houses for the unfortunate -- not very much.

Checklistlessness

Professional wrestlers have many errands. Life on the road fifty-two weeks a year can be quite tiresome. First, there's a 5 AM wake-up call, followed by a strenuous workout. They pump iron, they get fit, then they eat breakfast. During breakfast at the local wafflehouse, they must somehow fit in time for a WWE meet-and-greet, autographing some guy's old magazine and some nameless kid's foam title belt with a broken faceplate. After that, they work out once more while appearing on The Morning Zoo Show at 96.5 XBX FM, featuring Zany Pete, Frantic Frederick, and Jane the Traffic Reporter.

Next, an afternoon of driving is at hand as they attempt to move through stationary traffic jams in order to make it on time to the arena. If they arrive early, wrestling officials lecture them on the fundamentals of the entertainment sport. If they arrive late, wrestling officials lecture them on time management. If they arrive at the exact time they are expected to come, wrestling officials kick them off of the program, suspecting that the young superstars believe they are better than the old-timers due to their excellent punctuality. At the end of the show, the grapplers work out a third time while eating craft service scraps as dinner in the empty backstage area. Finally, they drive back to their hotel, forced to entertain themselves until slumber by watching informercials about bowel control. When they wake up in the next morning, the day starts all over again.

These arduous schedules force the performers and companies of wrestling that we all know and love to keep track of their futures by keeping personal checklists. While some lists involve important tasks that require a significant deal of effort to complete, there are others that do not need much care at all.

So, what do these checklists entail? Let's take a look.

Checklist #1: Robert Lashington, Esq.
Lashley is a busy, busy, busy, busy, busy, busy, bizz-ay man. Recently, he can be seen on almost all weekly progams provided by World Wrestling Entertainment, spearing and clotheslining the McMahons and Umaga to the delight of at least ten people. Surprisingly, he was about to appear on Heat, but he doesn't know where WWE put it. Well, did he check the glove compartment in WWE's car?

The Incredible Feats of Bobby Lashley to Garner the Love of the Audience

X Winning the ECW World Championship

X Shaving Vince McMahon's Head

-- Defeating Three Men at Once

-- Righting the Leaning Tower of Pisa

-- Resurrecting the Dinosaurs from Prehistoric Mosquitos Stuck in Amber

Checklist #2: John C. Na
Wrestlemania 23 promoted many things, including the Ford Mustang's capablity to be driven by reckless individuals. In modern car commercials, stuntmen drive shiny vehicles in a beautiful and swift fashion through winding turnpikes, bridges, and rollercoaster tracks, but at least those advertisements are accompanied with a warning. Because professional drivers are behind the wheel, these stuntment are allowed to go nuts on asphalt. In turn, normal folk are advised to drive safely for they are not trained in such an occupation, yet that does not stop John Cena. He will continue to drive violently through things whether we like it or not. Keep your loved ones at home, human beings. John Cena is hankering to make another flashly entrance.

John Cena's Vehicular Casualties

X Wrestlemania 23 Pane of Glass

X Triple H's Barbarian Throne

X The RAW Main Event Scene

-- Comedy

-- Schoolhouse Full of Needy Orphans

Checklist #3: Great Khali Miss Molly
As of late, RAW's enormous giant makes his living by disappearing every two weeks, only to return to defeat a small cruiserweight in ten seconds. Sadly, WWE does not let us know the person behind the incomprehensible yelling and arm raising and chopping and hurting and largeness from this sports entertainer. Therefore, it should be of no shock to anyone that Khali is a mysterious man, but did you know that he thoroughly enjoys to watch motion pictures in his spare time? Of course you didn't. World Wrestling Entertainment teaches us nothing. Hey, I didn't know Randy Orton could pin Shawn Michaels lying lifeless on his back. I had no idea two plus plus equalled twelfthteen. Kudos, publicly shared company. Many a kudo.

The Great Khali's Netflix Queue

X WWE Judgment Day (2006)

X The Longest Yard (2005)

X See No Evil (2006)

-- The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (2005)

-- Pooh's Heffalump Movie (2005)

Checklist #4: He's the other Ted Turner, damnit.
The grandest stage of them all proved to be one of the worst stages of them all for Vince McMahon's scalp. To have your head shaved is one of the most embarrassing consequences of losing a wrestling match. In real life, having a bald head is similar to walking around town without any pants, yet you can't fix the mistake because it's somewhat permanent. A few weeks ago on RAW, Shane McMahon put his hairdo on the line against Bobby Lashley and lost by disqualification. Apparently, hair cannot change hands on a disqualification, but the NWA World Championship of TNA can. This is an insane world we're living in at the moment. People are using cellular phones, young kids are impregnating each other, and black silhouettes are dancing to music in front of neon backgrounds. Have you ever met a black silhouette? I don't trust them. They have no ears, eyes, or throat.

Vince McMahon's Hat Sequence

X Fedora

-- Bowler

-- Sombrero

-- Hulkamania Bandana

-- Tiara

Checklist #5: They were together, then they were apart, and now they're back together. Is that you, Rachel and Ross?
The RAW after Wrestlemania 23 solidified Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch as two dudes who can almost win the World Tag Team Titles they already won mere weeks after their WWE debut. If it wasn't for Matt and Jeff Hardy, Cade and Murdoch would be standing upon the marble pedestal of greatness, looking down on the legendary Cryme Tyme, the world's greatest tag team The World's Greatest Tag Team, and Viscera and his Pajamas. At WWE Backlash, the duo will get their hands on Hardys one more time. Can they take advantage of this opportunity and secure tag told for the second time? You can give WWE forty dollars to find out, though I bet their answer will be a countout.

Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch's Evolution of Monikers

X Texas and Tennessee

X Cade and Murdoch

-- A Wrestler Named Garrison and Stan Dupp

-- Chappy Jones and The Fat Man

-- The Jobby Job Job Junior Shabadoos

Checklist #6: Appearing in Playboy Magazine is an accomplishment equivalent to attaining a correspondence degree in Food Technology.
Ashley Massaro, the 2005 RAW Diva Search winner, lit it up at Wrestlemania 23, putting on a zero-to-five star match against Melina. Unfortunately, her momentum was halted when she was attacked by Jillian Hall on a recent episode of Friday Night Smackdown, succumbing to the career-threatening injury that makes a person scream in pain like they're laughing or having awkward intercourse. If that's what actucally happens when a women gets injured, I think I've been accidentally injuring women for at least a few years. Sorry, lady parts and owners of lady parts. Biggest apologies, Glen.

With that said, Ashley Massaro is set to return any day now. If her checklist is correct, she will definitely return with a big bang.

Ashley Massaro's Ladder to Success

X Wear a Backwards Hat

X Stick Your Tongue Out A Whole Bunch

X Get Photographed Naked

X "Wrestle"

-- Academy Award

Checklist #7: Sim Punk
The feud between the ECW Originals and the New Breed has escalated to a new level of intensity. Previously courted by both factions, former independent wrestling superstar CM Punk chose to side with the huddled masses led by one Elijah Burke. Punk has not yet indicated the true reason behind his choice, but maybe his checklist will reveal his intentions. Has Punk turned on the fans of ECW, or is he trying to disband the young group from the inside out? Tune in to ECW on Sci-Fi. Maybe you'll find out. Maybe Snitsky will look perturbed. I'm not guaranteeing anything.

CM Punk's Explained Reasons for Joining the New Breed

X Exposure

-- Comradery

-- Profit

-- Dental Benefits

-- Unlimited Vampirical Guidance

Checklist #8 Total Non-stop Non-stopping
The additions of Sting and Kurt Angle has given TNA a clear boost to the upper echelon of sports entertainment. If the hiring of these big names was supposed to bring the company some buzz, it worked. As of now, two more people know that TNA is a wrestling company and not an abbreviated name for womanly bumps and humps. Now, Total Non-stop Action is venturing to new worlds outside of the stagnant environment of the TNA Impact Zone (like Missouri), but they will never be able to compete with World Wrestling Entertainment unless they unleash the big guns. So, what are these guns that are big? Electricity. Gimmicked electricity.

Electrified Things to be Presented by TNA's Creative Team

X Steel Cage

-- Hexagonal Ring

-- Don West

-- Mike Tenay's Infinite Tuxedo

-- Swinging Towel Man's Towel

Checklist #9: The Alfalfa Male
Marcus Cor Von's shoulder tackle finisher has not been named by WWE. Possibly, they are afraid of naming it for its impact transcends any measure of explanation from the English language. When a large man bounces you off of the ropes, only to bounce himself off the ropes to thrust his body into your person, you are going to hurt. If they just named it Hurty Hurty Gumdrops, I would accept it as a legimitimate and scary maneuver. Well, Hurty Hurty Gumpdrops is the name for my finishing move, so Cor Von cannot use it. Though, perhaps he can use another great name... if either he or WWE wants to think of one.

Names for Marcus Cor Von's Finishing Move

X "What a Move"

X "I Love That Move"

X "Devastating Move"

X "Impactful Move"

-- "Forward Thrusting Dragon Inverted Front Side Special Dragon Collision Ocelot 2007"

Checklist #10: Italian Gondolas Ferraris Godfather Fashion Spaghetti Italic Meatballs of Italy
On April 16, 2007, OVW's Boris Alexiev debuted on RAW as an international wrestling fan named Santino Marella. His amazing Intercontinental Championship victory proved to the world that this fellow is not afraid of Vince McMahon, nor Umaga, nor the angry slaps of Jim Cornette. According to the provided storyline, Santino's dream was to wrestle for World Wrestling Entertainment, and the fulfillment of his dream has made him very happy. If you ask me, they hired the wrong "fan". They should've hired RAW GM For A Day Michael Peña. I think he could show Umaga a thing or two. One of those things would be his sweet decoder ring.

Gimmicks for WWE Intercontinental Champion Santino Marella

X Red-shoes-wearing Guy

X Man with a Lot of Tattoos Who Also Wrestles

X Wrestler with Italian Accent

-- Plumber Who Delves into Magical Worlds to Save A
Beautiful Princess

-- Released

Squared Circle of Fortune - The Champ Is Over There

The answer to last week's Squared Circle of Fortune:

The Great Kelly
ECW's resident exhibitionist Kelly Kelly is many things. Surely, being "great" is one of the two. In the coming year, look for Kelly to break away from the Extreme Exposé and brain chop her way to the WWE Women's Title. She may not be as beautiful as The Great Khali, but she sure can do handsprings. Look at her do handsprings all damn day. She can't help herself. She's great.

*****

Can you solve this week's puzzlelzzup?


*****

NEXT WEEK

Oh, I don't know. How about you hit me in the fist with your face really hard? That sounds like a party.

AND

BALLIN'.

Wrestlemania 23: One Too Many Bald Guys - Part 2

Wrestlemania 23 was quite the Pay-Per-View, featuring ladders, Donald Trump, and previews of The Condemned. Apparently, if you want to watch The Codemned, you will need to climb a ladder and attain Donald Trump, who is trapped inside of a briefcase held high above your local multiplex. As for me, I will see the PG-rated, hilarious, family comedy Firehouse Dog instead. It's about this dog that works in a firehouse. Take that, Steve Austin.

On April 1, 2007, bodies were bruised and broken. Wrestlers put it all on the line for Wrestlemania glory. Also, Ashley competed. It was what it was. We will see all of these matches once more at Backlash and Judgment Day, but for now, bask in the superness of this grand, one-of-a-kind event.

*****

Segment 4
Vince McMahon and Girl Hunter and Baby Girl Hunter
Vince McMahon encountered his daughter Stephanie in his office. She had with her the babiest carriage of them all. Aurora Rose and her grandfather had a heart-to-heart talk about matters of the heart. Without warning, we were provided with a camera angle in which we saw Vince from the perspective of the infant. That's cuckoo bananas. I just a bought a state-of-the-art video camera the other day but it doesn't do that. I got robbed.

Vince McMahon spoke baby talk. It was surreal. It was phantasmagoric. Joy literally emanated out of my ass during his entire exchange with Aurora. The WWE Chairman expressed his anger towards Donald Trump and vowed to show him how he does it in The OC. Vince commented to Stephanie that Aurora smelled odd and must have taken a "Trump". Well, a Donald Trump Jr. maybe, but it certainly wasn't an Ivanka. Stephanie responded with a "Wha?", so Vince was like "Grrr." Steph said, "Whateva," and Vince was all "Nuh-uh, baby girl." Of course, this dialogue was stolen form Schindler's List.


*****

Match 5
The New Breed (Kevin the Vampire w/ Ariel, Matt Striker the Disgraced Teacher, Marcus Cor Von the Monty Brown, and Elijah Burke the Terkayless)
vs.
The ECW Originals (Rob Van Dam, Sabu Van Dam, Sandman Van Dam, and Tommy Dreamer's Suspenders)
The New Breed entered together. I'm glad Elijah Burke was wearing a red bolero to the ring because it can get cold in Ford Field... in the halfway-up-the-torso region. The ECW Originals were next, entering through the fans. I don't know how true this is, but when WWE was still running ECW house shows, my friend Gibralter had front row seats. He came a little late to the show and tried to rush to his section. When he jogged down the stairs to his seat, he opened a beer can and slipped on one of the stairs, accidentally smashing the beer can on his head in the process. WWE thought he was Sandman and made him lose against Kevin Thorn in two seconds. What a company.

Underwhelming is the best description for this 8-man tag. It was nice to see the ECW brethren at Wrestlemania, but I wouldn't want to watch this again. After basic exchanges between the competitors, Rob Van Dam pinned Matt Striker with the Five Star Frog Splash for the "WWE Wants to Keep You Around" victory. Striker was entertaining for once, flipping and flopping every which way. If he was never on offense, he would be my 149th favourite wrestler named Matt. I'm for serious here. No fooling.


Winners and Extremists: The ECW Originals

*****

Match 6
Battle of the Cash Money Billionaires: Hair versus Hair: Trump versus McMahon: Episode 7: The Two Towers
Umaga with Armando Alejandro Estrada and Vince McMahon
vs.
Bobby Lashley with Donald "Money, Money, Money, Money, Money, Money, Money, Money" Trump
Special Guest Referee: The Ringmaster
The barber chair came down the aisle accompanied by pieces of string. This is the barber chair's first Wrestlemania appearance since Wrestlemania XX in the Molly Holly versus Victoria WWE Women's Title Match. What an impressive showing for the barber chair at Wrestlemania XX. Sure, it botched a Shooting Star Press, but it's a barber chair. I'm amazed it can wrestle competently.

Vince McMahon power-walked down the aisle and mimicked shaving off Trump's do with scissors. Trump should have been scared. Vince was doing a very bad job at fake cutting Donald Trump's hair. He was literally the worst fake barber ever. I will never get my pretend haircut at Vince McMahon's imaginary barbershop.

Umaga appeared in black tights with orange graphics at its sides. Savages like the fall colours, so don't be hating. Armando had a snazzy suit on his person. Believe me, if I could choose between becoming a manager or a wrestler, I would pick the former. My catchphrase would be "Ha ha ha... no constant lower back or neck pain for me."

Donald Trump came out. His entrance music consists of the word "money" sung over and over again. I say change it up to "Money, money, money, money, 'currencay'." Bobby Lashley followed with the ECW Title around his waist and pyro behind him. I do the same pose and no pyro for me. I do not see what WWE sees in Bobby Lashley. Every time I watch him, I ask "Where's Bob Sapp?" but that's neither here nor there. In the next lifetime, Stone Cold Steve Austin appeared in a referee shirt sponsored by WWE Films. I'm still not seeing the Condemned until they put a dog in the film. A dog who is employed by a house that somehow relates to fires. He flipped off four sides of the ring and possibly my grandmother. Hey, Steve Austin, don't be like that with Grandma. She likes her Owen Hart. Give her a break.

Trump and McMahon paced at ringside as Bobby Lashley started to beat up Umaga. Part of Lashley's offense was to punch Umaga with intensity, then punch him some more. While Lashley was positioned near the ropes, Umagagaga came flying at him, but Lashley ducked. Umaga went back first on the ringside mat with the thuddiest thud of them all. That wasn't for Samoa, was it? Umaga and Lashley continued to brawl until the bulldozer gained the advantage and choked the ECW World Champion. Steve Austin told Umaga, "I think ECW has had enough." Umaga disagreed. Austin used his Stone Cold skills to pull Umaga off of Lashley by his hair. Umaga disapproved. Austin would do this many times throughout the match. Umaga did not attack him until the third time. I believe he used the Samoan Spike. That was for Detroit and not Samoa in this instance.

Twinkletoe Ramirez himself (Shane McMahon) came out to put a bottom whipping on Lashley. Shane's punches were sloppy. If his name was Joe I would have called him Messy Hamburger. Vince assisted Shane by holding a trash can in front of Lashley's face, who was slouched over in the corner. Shane scaled the adjacent turnbuckles and nailed the Van Shane-inator to the trash can. He sure showed you, trash can. Man, he does not like garbage. Shane took off his shirt to reveal a referee shirt. He counted Umaga's pin on Lashley, but was yanked from the ring by Austin. Steve killed him with punches and threw him into the steel steps. Go see The Condemned.

As Vince was about to interfere in the bout, Trump came running at him. Trumpacanrana! Trump is luchariffic. Trump's punches were sloppy too. If his name was Joe I would have called him Unorganized Meat Sandwich Joseph. Back in the ring, Umaga bounces off of the ropes, only to be speared by Lashley. Austin counts the pin and Vince is quite surprised at this news.

McMahon tries to sneak out of the building, except he's not doing it well enough. A red exclamation mark appears above his head as Lashley, Trump, and Austin see him trying to bail. McMahon tries to run away but Lashley catches up to him. With the barber chair already in the ring, Trump and Lashley do the honours and shave him bald as Austin holds him in place. Vince is not happy with this event. They used shaving cream and everything. They did a way better job at shaving somebody's head than James Mitchell did with Raven. Shaving cream was all over Vince's face and scalp, which sort of alleviated the horrifying sight of his baldness. Vince left disgusted, weeping and groaning at his misfortune. Austin shared a beer with Trump and Lashley for a moment before stunning Donald. He did it so quickly, the camera almost didn't catch it. Trump took the move like a billionaire who has no business taking wrestling finishers should -- poorly. It wasn't as bad as Austin's stunner on Linda McMahon, though it was some kind of awful.

I was hoping that Omarosa-aga would debut and powerbomb Umaga to the depths of the underworld, but that was not meant to be. Here's to Donald Trump for being a competent wrestling personality, and here's to Vince McMahon for agreeing to have his hairdo undone. Here's to Lashley for reminding me that WWE needs to sign Bob Sapp.


Winners: Donald Trump, Bobby Lashley, and the Bald Population

*****

Match 7
WWE Women's Title Lumberjill Match
Melina (c) vs. Ashley
Melina entered wearing a cougar pelt. It was either a cougar pelt or the remnants of the show Tough Enough. The paparazzi were taking photographs of her since coming down to the ring for a professional wrestling match is incredibly scandalous.

The way Melina carries around her title bothers me. She should either wear the belt around her waist, or carry it over her shoulder. If she's only going to hold it up over her head clasped together like that for her entire reign, give the belt to some other lady. It's as if she doesn't know what a belt actually does. For example, if somebody were to give me a headband, I wouldn't put it around my ear or use it to extract juice from various fruits; I would wear it on my head. Melina has a lot to learn.

If Melina has much lessons ahead of her, Ashley hasn't even opened the textbook yet. It's always difficult watching her wrestle because she doesn't have the type of body that can absorb constant punishment. For example, Mickie James has attractive and useful cushion in her womanly places. Most importantly, she has enough there to handle the pain of landing back first onto the canvass a billion times over. On the other hand, whenever Ashley falls or takes a suplex, it appears as though every bone in her body has shattered within her. If Mickie James were the women's wrestling equivalent of a pillow, Ashley is a glass vase that cracks at the slightest gust of wind.

Almost every single WWE diva surrounded the ring. Even ECW's Trinity was there to show off her frontward protusions. The crowd was dead silent as Melina and Ashley had their match. It was so silent, I could hear a pin drop in a pin dropping factory from outer space. The lumberjills weren't really lumberjills at all since they stood around and did nothing for the entire two minutes of the match. Melina did a wacky surfboard/bow-and-arrow submission on Ashley. If Ashley had her punk hat on, she would've reversed that submission with much vigor. The two rolled around some more to execute what I assume to be several professional wrestling moves until Melina got the pin with a schoolboy. I think she held the tights, which made the faces slightly angry. The crowd did not care.

After the match, the women went at it. It was a big fight that did not arouse anyone in the entire world ever. I may be the only man to admit this, but a large group of women rolling around and pulling at each other's hair is not very attractive. Now, put them in a ball pit and maybe I'll take notice.


Winner and Constant Raiser of the WWE Women's Belt Over Her Head Like A Beyotch: Melina

*****

Match 8The Main Event
WWE Title Match
John Cena (c) vs. Shawn Michaels
Currently a one-man stable, Shawn Michaels is either the D or the X in DX. I guess he's whatever letter is the more Jesus-y. Oh, he must the X because there's a big X hanging from the set. The Showstopper came down to the ring to an adequate reception. Not unlike Elijah Burke, Shawn Michaels was adorned with a flashy red and white bolero. He has always worn that entrance attire, but I thought I should mention that WWE thinks wearing boleros is the new pogs. Michaels summoned the power of Christianity to spark a pyro sequence on the elaborate steel beams above.

Minutes later, we were treated to lengthy video of a Mustang convertible speeding around the streets of Detroit. No other vehicles are on the streets with the car. Who is special enough to block off traffic for several hours? Please, WWE. Let Shawn Stasiak be the driver of this here automobile. The car came to a sudden stop in front of Ford Field. Sadly, I knew right there it wasn't Shawn Stasiak. Please, WWE. Let Glacier be the driver of the Mustang.

The Mustang went into the rear or side entrance of Ford Field and kept on speeding. It made another stop. Is Jerry Flynn driving? Just when I couldn't stand the suspense, the car skidded and smashed through a Wrestlemania 23 pane of glass. Aw nuts. John Cena is driving. Get out of the way. That was the breakiest glass of them all.

As his music began, Cena shoved the door open and revealed himself. Driving badly is not a fantastic feat, John Cena. I do it every day, except I drive a scooter. He walked down the aisle to face Shawn Michaels, waiting in the ring. HBK is not impressed. Before the match was to begin, I saw a mysterious figure in the corner of the shot without pants on his lower body. "Is that you, Meng?" I asked the television before me. It turns out that the man in question was a streaker who was only down to his underwear. Referee Mike Chioda showed him what's what and took him out. Chioda speared and jackhammered him to spawn his new gimmick -- Chiodaberg.

Michaels started off slow with Cena, applying headlocks and knife-edge chops to the WWE Champion of All That Spins. Whenever Cena would try to hit Michaels, Shawn would duck and chop him to the mat. The Detroit crowd was similar to the Chicago crowd of Wrestlemania 22, with the adult males aged 18-34 booing him until they could not breathe and the females and children cheering as if he was an amalgamation of their dreams and desires. It was the exact response women and children would give a present-giving Santa Claus, if Santa Claus was also a good listener and enjoyed shopping for drapes on Sunday.

Cena and HBK wandered outside of the ring and brawled. Shawn replaced Hunter as the guy who allowed the audience to go "Yay!" whenever he punched Cena. Conversely, John was the "Boo!" provider. Michaels incapacitated Cena long enough to take to the air with a beautiful Asai moonsault from the ring apron to the announce table. The table did not break. They get the finest furniture for Wrestlemania, I tell you what.

Back inside of the ring, Michaels worked on Cena's leg. In real life, John Cena's leg was not injured, yet in scripted life, it was supposed to be. Michaels began to bleed after an accidental collision with the ringpost. John spent a decent amount of time acting like his leg was hurt until he forgot it was during the offensive rally. Apparently, John Cena's leg is Wolverine. It's only his leg, though. The rest of his body is... Gambit or something. Shawn tried to hit the Sweet Chin Music on Cena, but nailed the referee with it. This is an inconvenient but unavoidable event of human life.

John Cena tried to take Michaels out with the FU but Michaels countered with a DDT (FUDDT). One time, this girl tried to hug me. I did not feel the same way about her because one of her teeth was a tad crooked, so I countered her hug into an octopus stretch until she passed out. I know where you're coming from, Shawn. Counters rule. Shawn took Cena out of the ring and pushed aside the top section of the steel steps in order to piledrive Cena's noggin on the second set. Cena bled from the top of his head because when somebody lets you fall head first onto a hard surface, you are going to feel discomfort.

Upon their return to the ring, Michaels tried for Sweet Chin Music but Cena came back with a clothesline. John executed the FU and went for the pinfall. One, two, nope. Cena was not done and granted HBK admission into STFU (Stepover Toehold Facelock University) but Michaels escaped. I guess he's holding out for the University of California, Berkeley.

In one of the superb moments of the match, John Cena and the referee argued in the corner. Shawn Michaels casually walked up to his opponent. What happened? Superkick. All. Up. In. John. Cena's. Mouf. John Cena went down like two and a half bags of bricks or one wheelbarrow full of cinder blocks (I forgot the saying). Amazingly, Cena kicked out because his leg continues to be Wolverine. Damn his healing body parts. Damn them all to Kentucky. Cena came back with another STFU in the middle of the ring. This is very reminiscent of Wrestlemania 22. Shawn, with thinning hair all over his tired and aged face, squirmed for a while, then tapped out. Cena is still your champ. He gets the end-of-the-show fireworks display.

Triple H tapped out at Wrestlemania 22. Shawn Michaels tapped out at Wrestlemania 23. This can only mean one thing -- John Cena will face Chyna at Wrestlemania 24.


Winner and Still WWE Champion of All That Spins: Jon Seena

*****

Wrestlemania Lessons of 2007:
- Ladders break when you fall on them.
- Mr. Kennedy hates little people.
- Moolah and Mae Young will outlive us all.
- Giant hooks don't win you matches.
- The Undertaker is the most agile undertaker. Embalmers are almost as agile, but not quite.
- Matt Striker monkeyflips are cool.
- "Shake it off, Bobby! Come on, Bobby! Shake if off, Bobby!
- Umaga snazzy tights must mean he has a seamstress.
- Trumpacanranas are the new hurancanranas.
- Vince McMahon somewhat disapproves of his bald head.
- Watching Ashley wrestle is like witnessing a broom with a large mop at the end wrestle.
- Do not carpool with John Cena.
- Cena's leg regenerates into a healthy one about two minutes after aggravation.
- Shawn Michaels is good.
*****

Wrestlemania 24 Match Predictions
- Edge vs. Undertaker
- John Cena vs. Ken Kennedy
- The Never Before Seen Match: Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels

Squared Circle of Fortune - BLARGH

Can you solve this week's puzzuzzuzzle?

Note: Letters can be used again because this is the Squared Circle of Fortune, you Michael Cole.

*****

NEXT WEEK

Do you want it? Boom! Do you need it? Boom! Let me hear it! Ladies and gentleman and others, it's the Wrestlemania 23 Review -- Part Deux.

AND

While you're at, The Boogeyman, get me that falafel I requested.

Wrestlemania 23: One Too Many Bald Guys - Part 1

Wrestlemania 23 was an event for the ages. It solidified the superstars of tomorrow and paid homage to the legends of yesterday. Also, Ashley wrestled. The aforementioned was what it was.

Wrestlemania 23 was an event for the ages. It solidified the superstars of tomorrow and paid homage to the legends of yesterday. Also, Ashley wrestled. The aforementioned was what it was.

Did Vince McMahon get his head shaved bald? Was Money in the Bank money in the bank? Were a thousand WWE legends dancing for no reason? You will find out in this review.

Wrestlemania 23: All Grown Up
April 1, 3007 (April Fools... it's actually 2007. What a great prank. What laughs had by all.)
Live from Ford Field in Detroit, Michigan, United States of America, North America, Earth, Universe
*****
Segment 1
Aretha Franklin Sings "America the Beautiful"
To celebrate the 20-year anniversary of Aretha Franklin's appearance at Wrestlemania 3, Aretha Franklin came back for reasons unbeknowst to me. If I had to guess, I think she's a big fan of The Great Khali. "That guy is Great and Khali. It's win-win," she said to nobody in conversation because I just made her line up on the spot. I'm going to be honest here and admit that Aretha doesn't look so good after 20 years, but then again, I bet I'll lose my looks over two decades too. Goodbye, old face. Hello, face transplant made of titanium.

As far as her performance went, I was impressed. I was doubtful before, but Aretha singing "America the Beautiful" finally proved to me that the United States is a wonderful country where some girl named Amber says farewell to grain and planes are made out of fruit. I teared up and such.

*****

Match 1
Money in Bank 3
Winner Receives A World Title Opportunity (Valid Up to Wrestlemania 24) and a Free Hat
Edge vs. Randy Orton vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy vs.

Finlay vs. Booker T vs. CM Punk vs. Mr. Kennedy vs. Ladderboy: Half human boy, half ladder (I don't want to know how he was conceived.)
The main objective of this match was to attain a black briefcase hanging high above the ring. The second objective of this match was to get hurt real bad off of high and unstable places. I've always believed six wrestlers was two too many for one match, but then WWE gives us eight. Trying to comprehend everything that was going on in this match was like trying to watch the three Matrix movies at once. "Alright. Okay. I think I get it. Wait, which one is Frodo?"

One wrestler executing his finisher on his fellow seven competitors was the soup of the day. Edge speared everybody, Randy Orton RKOed everybody, and Hornswoggle outawesomed everybody. Surprisingly, Booker T brought out Hornswoggle's ladder out from under the ring, but I didn't laugh. Why? One time, a tiny ladder used by a Finlayan leprechaun sexually harassed me. I don't want to talk about it.

The craziest spot of this match was Jeff Hardy jumping off a ginormous ladder and hitting Edge in the torso with the brute force of his butt. This butt fall broke the ladder in half. This butt fall put Edge on a stretcher. Too bad it wasn't a Money in the Bank Butt Fall Match, because Jeff Hardy would have a decent shot at a victory.

After Kennedy steamrolled Hornswoggle off of the Ladderest Stage of Them All, CM Punk tried to scale another ladder to gain the contract. It appeared as though he was going to succeed, but we were quickly reminded that he was from the ECW brand when Kennedy incapacitated Punk for days with an extreme ladder thrust to his gut. In the end, Kennedy got the case and screamed a whole bunch with excitement. Mr. Kennedy is Mr. Money in the Bank. Rob Van Dam is also Mr. Money in the Bank, but he's from ECW. He doesn't count.

Winner and Mr. Money in the Bank, Shawty What You Drank: Ken Kennedy
*****
Match 2
"You Don't Want It? Well, You Still Got It" Match
The Great Khali vs. Kane

On the road to Wrestlemania, the pattern for the Khali/Kane feud was the following: Khali wanted some competition, so he went to Smackdown and attacked Kane. In turn, Kane was mad at Khali for doing what he did, so he visited Raw to seek revenge. Khali and Kane engaged in light fistcuffs for several weeks on both shows until Kane appeared one evening with his See No Evil Hook. Khali was scared, so he grabbed his nearest weapon, The Longest Yard's Adam Sandler, and threw him at Kane. As Wrestlemania was fast approaching, Sandler took Kane's hook and made a Halloween costume out of it. "I'm Hook Back Man. I have a damn hook on my back. Give me some candy. Don't put the candy on the hook. I can't reach it back there."

With that said, the bout was not terrible. Jim Ross labeled Khali's offense as "bowling shoe ugly," but at least he was moving around the ring in a fairly agile manner (for a gigantic dude). I may be alone in this but Khali's brain chops were "bowling shoe beautiful" to me. Additionally, Khali's entire moveset improved to the point in which the constant raising of his arms in triumph was received with an enormous amounts of boos from the Detroit crowd. If he keeps that kind of performance up, expect him to raise a leg or possibly two next year in Orlando. I'm sure Kane can raise his legs as well, but can he raise his arms all great-like? Sure, he raises his arms during his ring entrance, but he does it just to set them back down again. That's not great. That's not even good.

Kane employed the hook to damage Khali in his downstairs region. In another memorable moment, Kane scoopslammed Khali to mark what I assume to be the attempted recreation of Hulk Hogan slamming Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania 3. One of the minimal problems with this try was that Kane is no Hulk Hogan, Khali is no Andre the Giant, and Khali has been lifted off of the ground before. I would have been more interested if Kane was dressed in red and yellow and Khali came down the aisle in a motorized wrestling ring cart. It still would have been bad, but my stupid mind would have deem it genius.

Khali eventually got the win with the Tree Slam. That move needs a better name. Maybe somebody out there can write a letter to WWE and ask them nicely to change the name because if I asked WWE, they'd just call it The Great Tree Slam, so I won't bother.

Winner and Raised Arms Stance Man:
The Great Khali

*****

Segment 2
Eugene and Cryme Tyme Dance Party

Somewhere in the backstagest area of them all, Chad and JTG (Jontel Tontavious Gorter) expressed sympathy for Eugene, whose hair was shaved off by Vince McMahon on a recent episode of Monday Night Raw. Usually, when a wrestler changes his appearance, his persona undergoes a transformation as well. Therefore, when Eugene got his head shaved, he did not change at all. In fact, his heel turn on Jim Duggan, which occurred several months ago, was completely forgotten, enabling him to return to his timeless act of inoffensive buffoonery.

To cheer Dinsmore up, Cryme Tyme presented Extreme Exposé. The girls' dance was of a sensual and alluring nature, not suitable for all audiences. Kelly Kelly, Layla, and Brooke are the greatest trio of girls doing the Pump Your Arms and Thrust Dance in the history of the world.

Suddenly, Moolah and Mae Young entered the shot and shook their elderly groove objects; Dusty Rhodes danced on-camera to funky his monkey; Irwin R. Schyster entered the fray to announce that the The Shopping Cart had become the first deductable dance move; Jimmy Hart followed IRS to fix his megaphone, which could only powered by freaky deaky beats and not 2 AA batteries; even Slick joined in to bring confusion to young viewers everywhere. "Who is that guy? Is that The Godfather?" asked 7-year-old wrestling fan Tristan Spencer Isringhausen somewhere in the 10th row. Google it and you'll know, Tristan. Wikipedia that too.

The group danced for eternity. They danced into the 24th century, with enough time to spare to read ten novels, catch their own fish from the ocean to debone, cook, and eat, and then return to the 21st century. Wrestling legend and dragon Ricky Steamboat appeared in his karate uniform (also known as the official jersey of the Asian Stereotypes baseball franchise) to bust several moves. I danced in celebration too, but I was dirty dancing. I was ashamed.

I can't wait until the wrestlers of today appear in future dance skits. For instance, my wish is for Chris Benoit to appear in these type of skits ten years from today as a WWE legend. I hope he remembers to bring a cardboard mat, a boombox, and his bad self.

*****

Match 3
WWE United States Championship Match
Chris Benoit (c) vs. MVP (Montel Vontavious Porter)

Cheerleaders with pom-poms are introducing MVP at Wrestlemania. One of them is Mikey from the Spirit Squad with a wig, no doubt. Say, I have hired female cheerleaders too, but it's for medical reasons. I won't be able to Bring It On or Bring It On Again without them.

This may have been one of the sleeper matches of the night. It could have been more excellent if it would have gone on for ten more minutes, but this was what we got. Those ten minutes were reserved for Wrestlemania commercials to remind of us of many important developments. Hey, Shawn Michaels is all grown up. John Cena is too. Young Torrie Wilson was a boy in a wig. It's a good thing she's also grown up now.

In this match, the back and forth moves and counters were great. Montel showed me that he can be a decent to efficient grappler. Benoit conveyed his love for multiple German suplexes. Montel showed that he is quite athletic and has a unique arsenal of kicks, suplexes, and slams. Benoit still loves those multiple German suplexes.

Benoit won out of the blue with a swan dive headbutt. While I am aware that a guy driving his head into your chest would hurt pretty fierce, Benoit could've executed it differently It is Wrestlemania, after all. He should've pulled a Brock Lesnar and did a flip. Watching Chris Benoit today is likr watching a hologram of Chris Benoit -- a ten second clip of multiple German suplexes looped over itself. Benoit was the U.S. Champ at Wrestlemania 22 and his position on the card was no different at the 23rd edition. Maybe he is a hologram. If he's U.S. Champ at Wrestlemania 24, he's both a hologram and a robot.

Winner and Toothlessly Agressive for the 5th Year in a Row: Cherman Suplexoit

*****

Segment 3
The Boogeyman, The Trumpeyman, and The Miss USAman

On the leatherest couch of them all, Donald Trump and Miss USA Tara Conner were chilling, relaxing, and chillaxing. Donald brought up Mr. McMahon, but was interrupted by The Boogeyman who emerged from the back of the couch. Tara Conner was scared, so she ran away because a damn drooling weirdo with face paint, missing teeth, and a large staff was about a foot away from her. In turn, Donald Trump was unaffected. "Hello, Rosie," Donald should have said in reply except he didn't because WWE is not as smart as I.

The Boogeyman and Trump started to talk about sandwiches. Donald asked Boogey to get him a sandwich. The Boogeyman suggested he should retrieve a worm sandwich. Donald agreed and shook his head in disgust. The Boogeyman never got him that sandwich. The absence of successful sandwich attainment made April 1st a sad day for professional wrestling.

*****

Match 4
World Heavyweight Championship Match
Undertaker (c) vs. Underbatista
The champion entered first. It took Batista about 30 minutes to run from one end of the entrance set to the other. I didn't mind it because the set was amazing. Give me a bunch of screens and bright lights shining all up in there and I'm good. It would have been more splendid if someone fell off one of the pointed edges of the stage, either unintentionally or on purpose, but what can do you?

Undertaker's entrance was next. White light and smoke emanated from the back. It was reminiscent of Jericho's titantron in which light was coming out of his entire body, including his right thigh. Isn't it strange that the druids only show up with the Undertaker at Wrestlemania? That's not very loyal of them. Sure, they bring torches and all, but that doesn't make up for 51 weeks of betrayal and neglect. Anyway, the druids chanted a song. I don't know what they were singing about. I bet they were singing that Beyoncé "To the Left, To The Left" song. Undertaker embodies that tune.

This bout was one of the most entertaining matches of the night. I was completely astonished myself as I thought it would have been somewhat of a trainwreck due to Batista's asthma and Undertaker's undeadness. It was a back and forth match with Batista dominating Undertaker for first few minutes. Undertaker got in some strikes in the corner in between those minutes. JBL and Cole praised Undertaker as "One of the greatest strikers in WWE." A wrestling zombie guy has an MMA arsenal? Alright, fine. Can I ask rhetorically where did he learn to fight like that?

The match continued outside of the ring when Undertaker leaped over the ropes and took Batista out like a dart. Flashbulbs went off everywhere. I took a picture even though I wasn't in Detroit. Regarding Undertaker's leap, I think Hogan could have done that, but only on a Tuesday They brawled outside of the squared circle for a while until Batista got the upper hand and put Taker through an announce table with an front powerslam. Where was the Spanish announce table? I'm sure it feels left out of this. I want to be at Wrestlemania 24 with a Canadian announce table. It will be made out of bacon and eskimos.

Back inside, Undertaker and Batista began a series consisiting of about a million near falls. "We have a new champion!" said Michael Cole, dead wrong ten out of ten times. "The streak is over!" screamed Cole, the opposite of right ten out of ten times once more. Do not ask Michael Cole for his opinion on anything. He will be wrong every time. If you went into a music store, and Michael Cole was an employee at the store and had his own shelf of recommendations, every CD in his section would be Milli Vanilli. "These guys have longevity, sing their own songs, and will never be outed as frauds," he'd say.

Batista nailed the Batista Bomb, but Taker kicked out. He is immortal after all. Taker came back with a Tombstone and it was all over like rover. The fans were ecstatic; Undertaker was tired, but jubilated; Batista was sad; the druids were doing The Crip Walk in celebration backstage; I was content. Taker's Wrestlemania streak is now 15-0 and he's the new holder of the big gold belt.

The Winner and New Undead Zombie Dead Guy Thing and Stuff Champion: Undertaker

[TO BE CONTINUED]

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 14th

WWE Women's Title Match
Melina vs. Avril Lavigne

She’s like "I don't think so."
Then I'm like "Yeah, I think so."
We should be like "Yuh-huh to your nuh-huh."
And that’s what we should be singing about!

Hey! Hey! You! You!
Look at me I am so punk!
No way! No way!
I don't think you're punkier!
Hey! Hey! You! You!
I could be your champion!

Hey! Hey! You! You!
On this farm there is a punk!
No way! No way!
Here's a punk, there's a punk!
Hey! Hey! You! You!
Everywhere a punk, punk!

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

The Swerved will be back in 2 weeks with a review of Wrestlemania 23: Rich People are Arguing

AND

I bet you a dollar that I have a dollar. I win.

The Interviewerved (Against Communism): Jimbo [Part 2]

As some of the readers of The Swerved may already know, a good friend of the blog has decided to call it a day. Jimbo, the creator of Slackers Against Communism and former writer of The Armpit, is off to new endeavours in life, leaving the glamourous world of internet wrestling analysis for pastures that are surely greener than green.

I didn't know much about Jimbo when I first came aboard to write The Armpit about a year and a half ago. I had always enjoyed reading his articles from the first day I stumbled upon the site, but for some reason, I did not interact with him through e-mail until much, much, much later. When we finally did talk, it was no surprise to me that while we came from different worlds, we had many things in common.

Most of all, we shared a similar sense of humour. For a lot of my life on this here planet, I found it very difficult to connect with people who could or did not understand my personality. For every individual I could relate to, there was at least a million other people I shared nothing in common with except the air that we breathed. I never blamed those people for their lack of understanding, but I thought it was weird that not everyone believed dressing a potato up with a fake handlebar mustache and a cheesecloth to resemble the Iron Sheik was funny. I can't tell you how much of a relief it was for me to find another human being in Internetville whose mindset was equally absurd and ridiculous. While it is very unfortunate that Jimbo is hanging up his pen/keyboard, Mama says, "It just be's that way... sometimes."

Now, I'm the only one left from The Armpit Clan. It's bad news for most and good news for about three people, but nevertheless, I will do my best to bring you the same great Swervian masterpieces you have come to know, like, fondle, love, and leave. I cannot fill the void left by The Wrestling Professor and Jimbo, but with your help, I hope to bring The Swerved to newer, greater, and funnier heights. Writing has given me the appropriate outlet to put my true, crazy self out there. For many years, it has been my salvation from a world of hardships and heartbreak. Until I write the next great book, movie, and or television show, I will continue to spend my time entertaining you, the reader, for as long as you'll have me.

Here's to Jimbo. Good luck with everything and I hope you find what you're looking for.

-Stephen

*****

The Interviewerved (Against Communism): Jimbo [Part 2]
6) The Money in the Bank briefcase is one the most coveted briefcases I have ever laid my eyes upon in professional wrestling history. Of course, the briefcase contains a contract that will grant the winner of the ladder match a world title shot for events up to and including Wrestlemania 24. Pretend the briefcase contains something which you cherish quite greatly. Now, what is the item and why do seven other guys also wish to attain it?

J: The only thing I really cherish, I guess, would be this big box of old letters and notes and ticket stubs and other sentimental stuff. I'm not really sure why seven other guys would be willing to risk paralysis for it, unless they were somehow able to time travel and cash in my Arena Football tickets from 2002 when they were still redeemable.

S: Arena Football is cool because it's like regular football, but for athletes that prefer to be confined in a boxed-in rectangle sponsored by Vagisil and Papa Murphy's Pizza. When a quarterback makes a successful pass, the receiver will run, but his path will be limited. He may think, "Hey, cool. I can run anywhere I want to," but will be greatly mistaken. When he reaches the sidelines, he'll say, "Ow. That's a wall." Better than the NFL, I tells you.

7) On April 1, Batista could very well end Undertaker's 14-0 Wrestlemania winning streak. In turn, Undertaker could very well make his Royal Rumble 2007 victory count by defeating Batista and capturing his first big gold belt (World Heavyweight Championship). The atmosphere will be as electric as electricity. In total, how many Chokeslams, Tombstones, Spinebusters, and Batista Bombs will be seen in this bout?

J: I think the more important question is "Yeah, but will there be any exploding caskets?"

S: If wrestling has taught me anything in life (which it certainly has), it's that the quality of caskets increases based on their capability to explode. While I do not believe the Undertaker nor the Underbatista will employ an exploding casket in the match, one may be seen after the bout. I suspect that once the Undertaker captures the World Heavyweight Championship, his celebration will consist of chokeslamming Batista into the casket, closing the casket lid on Batista, then exploding the casket holding Batista inside. Taker will then drop to one knee and say, "Rest in pieces." At the same time, he'll be holding Batista's limbs in one hand and a box of Reese's Pieces in the other. Vince McMahon is right -- Wrestlemania is the punniest stage of them all.

8) If you could book a Wrestlemania match with current members of any of the three WWE rosters, who would be involved and why?

J: I'd like to see Shelton Benjamin and Triple H go forty plus for the World title at WrestleMania 24.

S: While I feel that would be a great match, I can't imagine that happening now due his Shelton Benjamin's drastic fall into nothingness. He used to be the on the cusp of the main event scene, but was was gradually relegated to Incontinental Champion of all Eternity Over Carlito. Now, he occupies a spot as a Heat regular with his sidekick Hobo Higgins. It's sad that The World's Greatest Tag Team is not so great after all since Benjamin and Haas can't even win the World Tag Team Titles. They should change their name to The World's Pretty Good, Sort of Alright Tag Team because if they don't, that's false advertising.

My dream Wrestlemania match was Shawn Michaels versus Eddie Guerrero, but due to circumstances out of everyone's control, that wish will never be granted. Other than that, there's not really anything I would clamour to see, except Chris Benoit versus The Undertaker or Johnny Nitro versus Rob Van Dam since they would be fresh feuds and matches. It amazes me that WWE has an enormous roster of talent, yet they end up doing the same matches over and over again.

9) The grandeur of Wrestlemania is what interests the majority of casual fans. In the vain of Shawn Michaels making his Wrestlemania XII entrance via zipline, what grandoise visual do you expect or wish to see at the event?

J: Well, I'm pretty sure he won't be doing that this year. I really hope they don't go all out ridiculous with the entrances like last year. Rey Mysterio as an Indian? That doesn't make sense on like, a whole lot of levels.

S: Sorry if I come off rude, but you're wrong. You are double wrong with wrongful sprinkles topped with a red cherry of wrongness inside a collectible ice cream dish of wronginity. Rey Mysterio did not have an Indian headress on, but was wearing an Aztecan headdress and decorative poncho. Aztecs were inhabitants of Central Mexico, whose civilization thrived in the 16th century. Furthermore, the band P.O.D., who performed Mysterio's theme song at Wrestlemina, were Aztecan leaders sent from the past to the distribute the message of Booyaka in the modern day. Booyaka all over your face.

10) Finally, the WWE Hall of Fame 2007 Inductee List if off to a great start. So far, "The American Dream Dusty Rhodes, "Mr. Perfect" Curt Hennig", and Jerry "The King" Lawler have been great picks. Let's say you have a choice to induct three members from any organization to this prestigious, nonphysical entity that is WWE's Hall of Fame. Who are they? (For example, my first pick would be WCW's Alex Wright, just so I could witness him accept his award by doing that dance of his the entire duration he is at the podium.)

J: First and foremost, Paul Heyman, for giving us the most "extreme" gift of all. From there on out, I'd just pick random luchadores from WCW circa 1996. I'd pay good money to see Silver King induct Super Calo, wouldn't you?

S: I would accept Super Calo into the WWE Hall of Fame, if only Duper Salo inducted him. If you aren't familiar with Duper Salo, he's a luchadore whose mask consists of a hat sewn onto his head, similar to Super Calo who has sunglasses sewn right into his mask. That's dang genius right there.

It's funny that you mention Super Calo because I met him once. It was an amazing experience. Here's how it went:

Dramatization

Date: September 1997
Location: The Nitro Grill
Stephen: Hey, Super Calo. Are those your sunglasses on that counter over there?
Super Calo: Nope. They are always here on my mask. They never leave my mask.
Stephen: That's super, Calo. Maybe I should sew contact lenses onto my eyes.
Super Calo: Okay, you do that...

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 13th

Bobby Lashley w/ Donald Trump vs. Magilla Gorilla w/ Vince McMahon (Special Guest Referee: Stone Cold Steve Austin)

WWE got a Bobby Lashley for sale
Bobby Lashley for sale
Won't you buy him
Pay-Per-View to try him
Bobby Lashley for sale

See on the TV, it's Bobby Lashley
Has positive qualities I know
Big, muscly, strong, and big
And Trump loves him also

Don't you want a little Lashley you can cheer on to win?
A Lashley who hates enhancing drugs and medicines?

How much is that Bobby Lashley on the TV?

Take our advice, in any way
A Lashley like Bobby is here to stay
It's Lashley
Bobby Lashley for saaaaaaaale

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

It's my farewell to Jimbo with part 2 of The Interviewerved.

AND

I use The Great Khali as a ladder in order to see planet Earth from outer space.

The Interviewerved (Against Communism): Jimbo [Part 1]

On a dark and stormy September evening in the year 2005, I heard a violent knock at the door. Adorned in my Undertaker pajamas, complete with urn footsies, I left my comfy leather couch and stumbled towards the noise. As the seconds passed, the knock grew louder until the sound beat as hard as the raindrops on the city streets that night. With great hesitance, I peered through the tiny peephole and noticed a dark figure shivering and shuffling on the welcome mat in front of the shrouded entrance of my home.

"Can I help you?" I asked, gently placing my hand over the pristine golden doorknob.

There was no response. I jogged to the nearest window in an attempt to gain a better view of the mysterious being, but all I that I could see was a vague shape of a suffering human with nowhere to go.

"Who's there?" I said, slowly stepping back to the foyer in a Undertakian manner.

"Open up. It's Jimbo."

The man's voice startled me greatly. After his reply, I don't know how I did it, but I guessed that fellow Armpit Wrestling writer was standing at my door. The tone in which he spoke was comforting, yet truly peculiar. I have never heard him speak before. Based on his popular wrestling columns, I assumed his verbal speech consisted of loud, brief, piercing taps emanating from an old computer keyboard.
I swiftly opened the door to welcome my professional tussling cohort into my creative abode of wonder and merriment, yet he just stood there in his damp attire with a look of disdain on his tired, masked face.

"What's the matter?" I said.

Suddenly, Jimbo revealed a ring bell from behind his back. Just as he was about to strike my temple with the bell, I ducked under his swinging arms and called down a lightning strike from the heavens above. The bolts pierced through the clouds and shattered the concrete ground and soil out from under our feet. Jimbo threw down the bell in frustration and scurried away from the scene, hopping over mounds of ruined walkway and grassy rocks.

As I stood at my doorway with my eyes rolled all the way back into my head, Jimbo stood tall in the distance. He raised his arms and set them quickly sent them right back down. Bursts of fire were brought forth from the four ring posts strategically placed in my neighbourhood to form a squared circle shape.

From that day forward, Jimbo was my rival. One day, I vowed to face him at Wrestlemania. Until that time comes, I will place upon him the biggest shame of all -- Your Friendly Neighbourhood Jimbo is the next subject of The Interviewered.

*****

The Interviewerved (Against Communism): Jimbo [Part 1]

Jimbo: Statistics
- Writer and owner of Slackers Against Communism at www.slackersagainstcommunism.blogspot.com
- Portrayed the fifth rung of the second ladder utilized in the TLC Tag Team Title Match between The Hardy Boyz, The Dudley Boyz, and The Edge & Christian
Boyz at Wrestlemania X-Seven
- If we do not meet at Wrestlemania 23, I fully expect face him at Wrestlemania 24. Our feud will consist of him putting chocolate in my peanut butter, while I return the favour by cutting his vehicle's chocolate-coloured brakes... with peanut
butter.
- Wrestlemania Finishing Move: Hangman's Noose Eyepoke

10 Questions

1) Wrestlemania 23 will come to us live from Ford Field in Detroit, Michigan. I predict the Wrestlemania 23 entrance set will have something to do with cars, The Detroit Tigers and or Pistons, and Eminem. Quite possibly, giant statues will be erected of Eminem wrestling a tiger and or piston inside of a Ford Mustang convertible. If you could design the Wrestlemania 23 stage with no spending limitation, what would it consist of?

J: When I think of Detroit, I think of a lot of things, but mainly RoboCop. The WWE would be so blowing it this year if they didn't utilize a RoboCop theme, just like at my junior prom. I went as that guy that plays Red on That 70s Show and my date went as an ED-209 and it was magical.

S: RoboCop is so romantical. No wonder why they used a Robocop motif for your junior prom. I bet your date was part human, part machine, but all woman.

On the other hand, I never had a junior prom. One year, for the first time in my high school's history, they were about to have a junior prom but it never happened. You see, I was the head of the Prom Committee that year, so obviously, I chose a N-N-N-New World Order theme. All lovely prom couples would be dancing on the gym floor to the lovely nWo theme until I would appear from the rafters wearing face paint with a baseball bat in hand. As I cleaned house on all prom goers in the gym, I would be left alone with my date, who would be dressed as Fake Sting. As we approached each other, about to fight it out to determine the superior Sting, I would embrace her and whisper in her ear, "You may be fake, but your love is real to me." End credits somewhere would roll as we engaged in Sting-on-Sting action.

As it turned out, I was never allowed to attend that particular high school ever again.

2) Because Ashley achieved every young girl's dream of getting naked for profit and publicity, she gets to face Melina for the WWE Women's Championship, instead of Mickie James, who got naked for profit before, but does not get naked for profit nor publicity now. Therefore, Mickie James will not be included in the title match. On the grandest stage of them all, it's time for Ashley Massaro to show off her wrestling prowess. What moves are you looking forward to seeing from the Playboy covergirl?

J: Ah, fantastic. Two blondes with no discernible talent stealing precious airtime that could be going towards a La Parka promo. Fact of the matter is, I just don't give much of a hoot about either of them. I'm only attracted to Eastern European ballerina-figure skater-types so the proposition of watching Melina and Ashley screw up spots isn't too appetizing. That being said, I'd love to see Ashley try one of those Steve Williams back body drop drivers, though.

S: Excuse me, kind lad, but Ashley has perfected the second rope elbow drop. It is the most devastating finisher I have ever seen. No great wrestler has employed such an elbow drop before. It has never even been attempted before for fear of grave injury or death. Therefore, three cheers for Ashley for being so brave and athletic. Let's all feast our eyes on an innovator, a pioneer, and a natural wonder.

3) Umaga represents Vince McMahon while Bobby Lashley represents Donald Trump in the Battle of the Billionairies Match, in which one of them will most
definitely become a Baldinaire. I've likened Donald Trump's hairdo to a thin piece of shredded wheat; I've compared Vince McMahon's hair to that of a sloth who has endured much stress and suffering in his life. When the world ends, would you prefer to have an abundance of shredded wheat, or a cornicopia of sloths?

J: Definitely the shredded wheat. Where else am I going to get my necessary dietary fiber and whole grains? From the government? I think not.

S: Stop badmouthing the government. I'm sure they could put on an event as good or even better than Wrestlemania. In fact, I hear rumours that Publi, the Republican Elephant, has chosen First Lady Laura Bush as his representative to wrestle Former First Lady Hilary Rodham Clinton, the representative of Badonkadonkey, The Democratic Donkey, in a Loser Stops Being Produced in Animal Cracker Form Match.

Plus, I hear the government gives people cheese. Now, I may not be a nutritionist or a food-making person, but I believe if you let cheese sit out in the sun for a long period of time, it eventually becomes shredded wheat. Take that, Jimbo. Take it like a free gift.

4) Speaking of shredded wheat and or sloths, Stone Cold Steve Austin will be the special guest referee in the Battle of the Billionaires Match. I assume he will be appearing at Wrestlemania 23 to promote his new film entitled The Condemned, the latest picture to be released by WWE Films. In comparison to The Marine starring John Cena, which movie will have the most explosions?

J: By default, The Condemned wins. Its protagonist is a guy that drinks Steve-weisers and hugs his boss and the villain is that dude that played the Juggernaut. That's the kind of movie that you sneak liquor into. I expect the film to have more explosions than dialogue. By contrast, The Marine has zero explosions because it was a dud. And yes, that's the wittiest thing I'll say in this interview.

S: If The Condemned movie screenings of the future encourage liquor smuggling, what did the screenings for The Marine encourage when it was out in theatres? If you wish to ask me, when I saw The Marine for the seventh time in the same day, I brought in a big bottle of Hawaiian punch, but there was no need to smuggle it; I just proudly drank that punch for the entire duration of the movie. The only time I didn't drink punch was when John Triton said "They've taken a hostage... it's my wife." After he said that, I switched to drinking Welch's grape juice. I thought it would be disrespectful to drink such a vibrantly coloured drink at such a solemn time, so I went for the refreshment that would convey the most sadness and despair.

5) Triple H is sidelined with a quadricep tear, which will prevent him from competing at Wrestlemania. Even with his injury, do you think Triple H will show up in Detroit? If so, how will he show up and what shenanigans will he commit?

J: I'm not quite sure, but if he doesn't show up wearing that barbarian outfit again, I'll be sorely disappointed.

S: He has always worn that barbarian outfit in my mind. He will never be without that barbarian outfit in my heart for he is the best human being in the world with such an outfit on his person. Do you remember in the olden days when barbarians would walk around town holding a bottled Evian in case they were parched? I don't, but it sounds fun.