Wrestlemania 23 was an event for the ages. It solidified the superstars of tomorrow and paid homage to the legends of yesterday. Also, Ashley wrestled. The aforementioned was what it was.
Wrestlemania 23 was an event for the ages. It solidified the superstars of tomorrow and paid homage to the legends of yesterday. Also, Ashley wrestled. The aforementioned was what it was.
Did Vince McMahon get his head shaved bald? Was Money in the Bank money in the bank? Were a thousand WWE legends dancing for no reason? You will find out in this review.
April 1, 3007 (April Fools... it's actually 2007. What a great prank. What laughs had by all.)
Live from Ford Field in Detroit, Michigan, United States of America, North America, Earth, Universe
*****
Segment 1
Aretha Franklin Sings "America the Beautiful"
To celebrate the 20-year anniversary of Aretha Franklin's appearance at Wrestlemania 3, Aretha Franklin came back for reasons unbeknowst to me. If I had to guess, I think she's a big fan of The Great Khali. "That guy is Great and Khali. It's win-win," she said to nobody in conversation because I just made her line up on the spot. I'm going to be honest here and admit that Aretha doesn't look so good after 20 years, but then again, I bet I'll lose my looks over two decades too. Goodbye, old face. Hello, face transplant made of titanium.
As far as her performance went, I was impressed. I was doubtful before, but Aretha singing "America the Beautiful" finally proved to me that the United States is a wonderful country where some girl named Amber says farewell to grain and planes are made out of fruit. I teared up and such.
*****
Match 1
Money in Bank 3
Winner Receives A World Title Opportunity (Valid Up to Wrestlemania 24) and a Free Hat
Edge vs. Randy Orton vs. Jeff Hardy vs. Matt Hardy vs.
The main objective of this match was to attain a black briefcase hanging high above the ring. The second objective of this match was to get hurt real bad off of high and unstable places. I've always believed six wrestlers was two too many for one match, but then WWE gives us eight. Trying to comprehend everything that was going on in this match was like trying to watch the three Matrix movies at once. "Alright. Okay. I think I get it. Wait, which one is Frodo?"
One wrestler executing his finisher on his fellow seven competitors was the soup of the day. Edge speared everybody, Randy Orton RKOed everybody, and Hornswoggle outawesomed everybody. Surprisingly, Booker T brought out Hornswoggle's ladder out from under the ring, but I didn't laugh. Why? One time, a tiny ladder used by a Finlayan leprechaun sexually harassed me. I don't want to talk about it.
The craziest spot of this match was Jeff Hardy jumping off a ginormous ladder and hitting Edge in the torso with the brute force of his butt. This butt fall broke the ladder in half. This butt fall put Edge on a stretcher. Too bad it wasn't a Money in the Bank Butt Fall Match, because Jeff Hardy would have a decent shot at a victory.
After Kennedy steamrolled Hornswoggle off of the Ladderest Stage of Them All, CM Punk tried to scale another ladder to gain the contract. It appeared as though he was going to succeed, but we were quickly reminded that he was from the ECW brand when Kennedy incapacitated Punk for days with an extreme ladder thrust to his gut. In the end, Kennedy got the case and screamed a whole bunch with excitement. Mr. Kennedy is Mr. Money in the Bank. Rob Van Dam is also Mr. Money in the Bank, but he's from ECW. He doesn't count.
"You Don't Want It? Well, You Still Got It" Match
The Great Khali vs. Kane
On the road to Wrestlemania, the pattern for the Khali/Kane feud was the following: Khali wanted some competition, so he went to Smackdown and attacked Kane. In turn, Kane was mad at Khali for doing what he did, so he visited Raw to seek revenge. Khali and Kane engaged in light fistcuffs for several weeks on both shows until Kane appeared one evening with his See No Evil Hook. Khali was scared, so he grabbed his nearest weapon, The Longest Yard's Adam Sandler, and threw him at Kane. As Wrestlemania was fast approaching, Sandler took Kane's hook and made a Halloween costume out of it. "I'm Hook Back Man. I have a damn hook on my back. Give me some candy. Don't put the candy on the hook. I can't reach it back there."
With that said, the bout was not terrible. Jim Ross labeled Khali's offense as "bowling shoe ugly," but at least he was moving around the ring in a fairly agile manner (for a gigantic dude). I may be alone in this but Khali's brain chops were "bowling shoe beautiful" to me. Additionally, Khali's entire moveset improved to the point in which the constant raising of his arms in triumph was received with an enormous amounts of boos from the Detroit crowd. If he keeps that kind of performance up, expect him to raise a leg or possibly two next year in Orlando. I'm sure Kane can raise his legs as well, but can he raise his arms all great-like? Sure, he raises his arms during his ring entrance, but he does it just to set them back down again. That's not great. That's not even good.
Kane employed the hook to damage Khali in his downstairs region. In another memorable moment, Kane scoopslammed Khali to mark what I assume to be the attempted recreation of Hulk Hogan slamming Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania 3. One of the minimal problems with this try was that Kane is no Hulk Hogan, Khali is no Andre the Giant, and Khali has been lifted off of the ground before. I would have been more interested if Kane was dressed in red and yellow and Khali came down the aisle in a motorized wrestling ring cart. It still would have been bad, but my stupid mind would have deem it genius.
Khali eventually got the win with the Tree Slam. That move needs a better name. Maybe somebody out there can write a letter to WWE and ask them nicely to change the name because if I asked WWE, they'd just call it The Great Tree Slam, so I won't bother.
Winner and Raised Arms Stance Man:
The Great Khali
With that said, the bout was not terrible. Jim Ross labeled Khali's offense as "bowling shoe ugly," but at least he was moving around the ring in a fairly agile manner (for a gigantic dude). I may be alone in this but Khali's brain chops were "bowling shoe beautiful" to me. Additionally, Khali's entire moveset improved to the point in which the constant raising of his arms in triumph was received with an enormous amounts of boos from the Detroit crowd. If he keeps that kind of performance up, expect him to raise a leg or possibly two next year in Orlando. I'm sure Kane can raise his legs as well, but can he raise his arms all great-like? Sure, he raises his arms during his ring entrance, but he does it just to set them back down again. That's not great. That's not even good.
Kane employed the hook to damage Khali in his downstairs region. In another memorable moment, Kane scoopslammed Khali to mark what I assume to be the attempted recreation of Hulk Hogan slamming Andre the Giant at Wrestlemania 3. One of the minimal problems with this try was that Kane is no Hulk Hogan, Khali is no Andre the Giant, and Khali has been lifted off of the ground before. I would have been more interested if Kane was dressed in red and yellow and Khali came down the aisle in a motorized wrestling ring cart. It still would have been bad, but my stupid mind would have deem it genius.
Khali eventually got the win with the Tree Slam. That move needs a better name. Maybe somebody out there can write a letter to WWE and ask them nicely to change the name because if I asked WWE, they'd just call it The Great Tree Slam, so I won't bother.
The Great Khali
*****
Segment 2
Eugene and Cryme Tyme Dance Party
Somewhere in the backstagest area of them all, Chad and JTG (Jontel Tontavious Gorter) expressed sympathy for Eugene, whose hair was shaved off by Vince McMahon on a recent episode of Monday Night Raw. Usually, when a wrestler changes his appearance, his persona undergoes a transformation as well. Therefore, when Eugene got his head shaved, he did not change at all. In fact, his heel turn on Jim Duggan, which occurred several months ago, was completely forgotten, enabling him to return to his timeless act of inoffensive buffoonery.
To cheer Dinsmore up, Cryme Tyme presented Extreme Exposé. The girls' dance was of a sensual and alluring nature, not suitable for all audiences. Kelly Kelly, Layla, and Brooke are the greatest trio of girls doing the Pump Your Arms and Thrust Dance in the history of the world.
Suddenly, Moolah and Mae Young entered the shot and shook their elderly groove objects; Dusty Rhodes danced on-camera to funky his monkey; Irwin R. Schyster entered the fray to announce that the The Shopping Cart had become the first deductable dance move; Jimmy Hart followed IRS to fix his megaphone, which could only powered by freaky deaky beats and not 2 AA batteries; even Slick joined in to bring confusion to young viewers everywhere. "Who is that guy? Is that The Godfather?" asked 7-year-old wrestling fan Tristan Spencer Isringhausen somewhere in the 10th row. Google it and you'll know, Tristan. Wikipedia that too.
The group danced for eternity. They danced into the 24th century, with enough time to spare to read ten novels, catch their own fish from the ocean to debone, cook, and eat, and then return to the 21st century. Wrestling legend and dragon Ricky Steamboat appeared in his karate uniform (also known as the official jersey of the Asian Stereotypes baseball franchise) to bust several moves. I danced in celebration too, but I was dirty dancing. I was ashamed.
I can't wait until the wrestlers of today appear in future dance skits. For instance, my wish is for Chris Benoit to appear in these type of skits ten years from today as a WWE legend. I hope he remembers to bring a cardboard mat, a boombox, and his bad self.
*****
Match 3
WWE United States Championship Match
Chris Benoit (c) vs. MVP (Montel Vontavious Porter)
Cheerleaders with pom-poms are introducing MVP at Wrestlemania. One of them is Mikey from the Spirit Squad with a wig, no doubt. Say, I have hired female cheerleaders too, but it's for medical reasons. I won't be able to Bring It On or Bring It On Again without them.
This may have been one of the sleeper matches of the night. It could have been more excellent if it would have gone on for ten more minutes, but this was what we got. Those ten minutes were reserved for Wrestlemania commercials to remind of us of many important developments. Hey, Shawn Michaels is all grown up. John Cena is too. Young Torrie Wilson was a boy in a wig. It's a good thing she's also grown up now.
In this match, the back and forth moves and counters were great. Montel showed me that he can be a decent to efficient grappler. Benoit conveyed his love for multiple German suplexes. Montel showed that he is quite athletic and has a unique arsenal of kicks, suplexes, and slams. Benoit still loves those multiple German suplexes.
Benoit won out of the blue with a swan dive headbutt. While I am aware that a guy driving his head into your chest would hurt pretty fierce, Benoit could've executed it differently It is Wrestlemania, after all. He should've pulled a Brock Lesnar and did a flip. Watching Chris Benoit today is likr watching a hologram of Chris Benoit -- a ten second clip of multiple German suplexes looped over itself. Benoit was the U.S. Champ at Wrestlemania 22 and his position on the card was no different at the 23rd edition. Maybe he is a hologram. If he's U.S. Champ at Wrestlemania 24, he's both a hologram and a robot.
*****
Segment 3
The Boogeyman, The Trumpeyman, and The Miss USAman
The Boogeyman, The Trumpeyman, and The Miss USAman
On the leatherest couch of them all, Donald Trump and Miss USA Tara Conner were chilling, relaxing, and chillaxing. Donald brought up Mr. McMahon, but was interrupted by The Boogeyman who emerged from the back of the couch. Tara Conner was scared, so she ran away because a damn drooling weirdo with face paint, missing teeth, and a large staff was about a foot away from her. In turn, Donald Trump was unaffected. "Hello, Rosie," Donald should have said in reply except he didn't because WWE is not as smart as I.
The Boogeyman and Trump started to talk about sandwiches. Donald asked Boogey to get him a sandwich. The Boogeyman suggested he should retrieve a worm sandwich. Donald agreed and shook his head in disgust. The Boogeyman never got him that sandwich. The absence of successful sandwich attainment made April 1st a sad day for professional wrestling.
*****
World Heavyweight Championship Match
Undertaker (c) vs. Underbatista
The champion entered first. It took Batista about 30 minutes to run from one end of the entrance set to the other. I didn't mind it because the set was amazing. Give me a bunch of screens and bright lights shining all up in there and I'm good. It would have been more splendid if someone fell off one of the pointed edges of the stage, either unintentionally or on purpose, but what can do you?
Undertaker's entrance was next. White light and smoke emanated from the back. It was reminiscent of Jericho's titantron in which light was coming out of his entire body, including his right thigh. Isn't it strange that the druids only show up with the Undertaker at Wrestlemania? That's not very loyal of them. Sure, they bring torches and all, but that doesn't make up for 51 weeks of betrayal and neglect. Anyway, the druids chanted a song. I don't know what they were singing about. I bet they were singing that Beyoncé "To the Left, To The Left" song. Undertaker embodies that tune.
This bout was one of the most entertaining matches of the night. I was completely astonished myself as I thought it would have been somewhat of a trainwreck due to Batista's asthma and Undertaker's undeadness. It was a back and forth match with Batista dominating Undertaker for first few minutes. Undertaker got in some strikes in the corner in between those minutes. JBL and Cole praised Undertaker as "One of the greatest strikers in WWE." A wrestling zombie guy has an MMA arsenal? Alright, fine. Can I ask rhetorically where did he learn to fight like that?
The match continued outside of the ring when Undertaker leaped over the ropes and took Batista out like a dart. Flashbulbs went off everywhere. I took a picture even though I wasn't in Detroit. Regarding Undertaker's leap, I think Hogan could have done that, but only on a Tuesday They brawled outside of the squared circle for a while until Batista got the upper hand and put Taker through an announce table with an front powerslam. Where was the Spanish announce table? I'm sure it feels left out of this. I want to be at Wrestlemania 24 with a Canadian announce table. It will be made out of bacon and eskimos.
Back inside, Undertaker and Batista began a series consisiting of about a million near falls. "We have a new champion!" said Michael Cole, dead wrong ten out of ten times. "The streak is over!" screamed Cole, the opposite of right ten out of ten times once more. Do not ask Michael Cole for his opinion on anything. He will be wrong every time. If you went into a music store, and Michael Cole was an employee at the store and had his own shelf of recommendations, every CD in his section would be Milli Vanilli. "These guys have longevity, sing their own songs, and will never be outed as frauds," he'd say.
Batista nailed the Batista Bomb, but Taker kicked out. He is immortal after all. Taker came back with a Tombstone and it was all over like rover. The fans were ecstatic; Undertaker was tired, but jubilated; Batista was sad; the druids were doing The Crip Walk in celebration backstage; I was content. Taker's Wrestlemania streak is now 15-0 and he's the new holder of the big gold belt.
No comments:
Post a Comment