Wrestlemania 23 was quite the Pay-Per-View, featuring ladders, Donald Trump, and previews of The Condemned. Apparently, if you want to watch The Codemned, you will need to climb a ladder and attain Donald Trump, who is trapped inside of a briefcase held high above your local multiplex. As for me, I will see the PG-rated, hilarious, family comedy Firehouse Dog instead. It's about this dog that works in a firehouse. Take that, Steve Austin.
On April 1, 2007, bodies were bruised and broken. Wrestlers put it all on the line for Wrestlemania glory. Also, Ashley competed. It was what it was. We will see all of these matches once more at Backlash and Judgment Day, but for now, bask in the superness of this grand, one-of-a-kind event.
*****
Vince McMahon and Girl Hunter and Baby Girl Hunter
Vince McMahon encountered his daughter Stephanie in his office. She had with her the babiest carriage of them all. Aurora Rose and her grandfather had a heart-to-heart talk about matters of the heart. Without warning, we were provided with a camera angle in which we saw Vince from the perspective of the infant. That's cuckoo bananas. I just a bought a state-of-the-art video camera the other day but it doesn't do that. I got robbed.
Vince McMahon spoke baby talk. It was surreal. It was phantasmagoric. Joy literally emanated out of my ass during his entire exchange with Aurora. The WWE Chairman expressed his anger towards Donald Trump and vowed to show him how he does it in The OC. Vince commented to Stephanie that Aurora smelled odd and must have taken a "Trump". Well, a Donald Trump Jr. maybe, but it certainly wasn't an Ivanka. Stephanie responded with a "Wha?", so Vince was like "Grrr." Steph said, "Whateva," and Vince was all "Nuh-uh, baby girl." Of course, this dialogue was stolen form Schindler's List.
The New Breed (Kevin the Vampire w/ Ariel, Matt Striker the Disgraced Teacher, Marcus Cor Von the Monty Brown, and Elijah Burke the Terkayless)
vs.
The ECW Originals (Rob Van Dam, Sabu Van Dam, Sandman Van Dam, and Tommy Dreamer's Suspenders)
The New Breed entered together. I'm glad Elijah Burke was wearing a red bolero to the ring because it can get cold in Ford Field... in the halfway-up-the-torso region. The ECW Originals were next, entering through the fans. I don't know how true this is, but when WWE was still running ECW house shows, my friend Gibralter had front row seats. He came a little late to the show and tried to rush to his section. When he jogged down the stairs to his seat, he opened a beer can and slipped on one of the stairs, accidentally smashing the beer can on his head in the process. WWE thought he was Sandman and made him lose against Kevin Thorn in two seconds. What a company.
Underwhelming is the best description for this 8-man tag. It was nice to see the ECW brethren at Wrestlemania, but I wouldn't want to watch this again. After basic exchanges between the competitors, Rob Van Dam pinned Matt Striker with the Five Star Frog Splash for the "WWE Wants to Keep You Around" victory. Striker was entertaining for once, flipping and flopping every which way. If he was never on offense, he would be my 149th favourite wrestler named Matt. I'm for serious here. No fooling.
Battle of the Cash Money Billionaires: Hair versus Hair: Trump versus McMahon: Episode 7: The Two Towers
Umaga with Armando Alejandro Estrada and Vince McMahon
vs.
Bobby Lashley with Donald "Money, Money, Money, Money, Money, Money, Money, Money" Trump
Special Guest Referee: The Ringmaster
The barber chair came down the aisle accompanied by pieces of string. This is the barber chair's first Wrestlemania appearance since Wrestlemania XX in the Molly Holly versus Victoria WWE Women's Title Match. What an impressive showing for the barber chair at Wrestlemania XX. Sure, it botched a Shooting Star Press, but it's a barber chair. I'm amazed it can wrestle competently.
Vince McMahon power-walked down the aisle and mimicked shaving off Trump's do with scissors. Trump should have been scared. Vince was doing a very bad job at fake cutting Donald Trump's hair. He was literally the worst fake barber ever. I will never get my pretend haircut at Vince McMahon's imaginary barbershop.
Umaga appeared in black tights with orange graphics at its sides. Savages like the fall colours, so don't be hating. Armando had a snazzy suit on his person. Believe me, if I could choose between becoming a manager or a wrestler, I would pick the former. My catchphrase would be "Ha ha ha... no constant lower back or neck pain for me."
Donald Trump came out. His entrance music consists of the word "money" sung over and over again. I say change it up to "Money, money, money, money, 'currencay'." Bobby Lashley followed with the ECW Title around his waist and pyro behind him. I do the same pose and no pyro for me. I do not see what WWE sees in Bobby Lashley. Every time I watch him, I ask "Where's Bob Sapp?" but that's neither here nor there. In the next lifetime, Stone Cold Steve Austin appeared in a referee shirt sponsored by WWE Films. I'm still not seeing the Condemned until they put a dog in the film. A dog who is employed by a house that somehow relates to fires. He flipped off four sides of the ring and possibly my grandmother. Hey, Steve Austin, don't be like that with Grandma. She likes her Owen Hart. Give her a break.
Trump and McMahon paced at ringside as Bobby Lashley started to beat up Umaga. Part of Lashley's offense was to punch Umaga with intensity, then punch him some more. While Lashley was positioned near the ropes, Umagagaga came flying at him, but Lashley ducked. Umaga went back first on the ringside mat with the thuddiest thud of them all. That wasn't for Samoa, was it? Umaga and Lashley continued to brawl until the bulldozer gained the advantage and choked the ECW World Champion. Steve Austin told Umaga, "I think ECW has had enough." Umaga disagreed. Austin used his Stone Cold skills to pull Umaga off of Lashley by his hair. Umaga disapproved. Austin would do this many times throughout the match. Umaga did not attack him until the third time. I believe he used the Samoan Spike. That was for Detroit and not Samoa in this instance.
Twinkletoe Ramirez himself (Shane McMahon) came out to put a bottom whipping on Lashley. Shane's punches were sloppy. If his name was Joe I would have called him Messy Hamburger. Vince assisted Shane by holding a trash can in front of Lashley's face, who was slouched over in the corner. Shane scaled the adjacent turnbuckles and nailed the Van Shane-inator to the trash can. He sure showed you, trash can. Man, he does not like garbage. Shane took off his shirt to reveal a referee shirt. He counted Umaga's pin on Lashley, but was yanked from the ring by Austin. Steve killed him with punches and threw him into the steel steps. Go see The Condemned.
As Vince was about to interfere in the bout, Trump came running at him. Trumpacanrana! Trump is luchariffic. Trump's punches were sloppy too. If his name was Joe I would have called him Unorganized Meat Sandwich Joseph. Back in the ring, Umaga bounces off of the ropes, only to be speared by Lashley. Austin counts the pin and Vince is quite surprised at this news.
McMahon tries to sneak out of the building, except he's not doing it well enough. A red exclamation mark appears above his head as Lashley, Trump, and Austin see him trying to bail. McMahon tries to run away but Lashley catches up to him. With the barber chair already in the ring, Trump and Lashley do the honours and shave him bald as Austin holds him in place. Vince is not happy with this event. They used shaving cream and everything. They did a way better job at shaving somebody's head than James Mitchell did with Raven. Shaving cream was all over Vince's face and scalp, which sort of alleviated the horrifying sight of his baldness. Vince left disgusted, weeping and groaning at his misfortune. Austin shared a beer with Trump and Lashley for a moment before stunning Donald. He did it so quickly, the camera almost didn't catch it. Trump took the move like a billionaire who has no business taking wrestling finishers should -- poorly. It wasn't as bad as Austin's stunner on Linda McMahon, though it was some kind of awful.
I was hoping that Omarosa-aga would debut and powerbomb Umaga to the depths of the underworld, but that was not meant to be. Here's to Donald Trump for being a competent wrestling personality, and here's to Vince McMahon for agreeing to have his hairdo undone. Here's to Lashley for reminding me that WWE needs to sign Bob Sapp.
WWE Women's Title Lumberjill Match
Melina (c) vs. Ashley
Melina entered wearing a cougar pelt. It was either a cougar pelt or the remnants of the show Tough Enough. The paparazzi were taking photographs of her since coming down to the ring for a professional wrestling match is incredibly scandalous.
The way Melina carries around her title bothers me. She should either wear the belt around her waist, or carry it over her shoulder. If she's only going to hold it up over her head clasped together like that for her entire reign, give the belt to some other lady. It's as if she doesn't know what a belt actually does. For example, if somebody were to give me a headband, I wouldn't put it around my ear or use it to extract juice from various fruits; I would wear it on my head. Melina has a lot to learn.
If Melina has much lessons ahead of her, Ashley hasn't even opened the textbook yet. It's always difficult watching her wrestle because she doesn't have the type of body that can absorb constant punishment. For example, Mickie James has attractive and useful cushion in her womanly places. Most importantly, she has enough there to handle the pain of landing back first onto the canvass a billion times over. On the other hand, whenever Ashley falls or takes a suplex, it appears as though every bone in her body has shattered within her. If Mickie James were the women's wrestling equivalent of a pillow, Ashley is a glass vase that cracks at the slightest gust of wind.
Almost every single WWE diva surrounded the ring. Even ECW's Trinity was there to show off her frontward protusions. The crowd was dead silent as Melina and Ashley had their match. It was so silent, I could hear a pin drop in a pin dropping factory from outer space. The lumberjills weren't really lumberjills at all since they stood around and did nothing for the entire two minutes of the match. Melina did a wacky surfboard/bow-and-arrow submission on Ashley. If Ashley had her punk hat on, she would've reversed that submission with much vigor. The two rolled around some more to execute what I assume to be several professional wrestling moves until Melina got the pin with a schoolboy. I think she held the tights, which made the faces slightly angry. The crowd did not care.
After the match, the women went at it. It was a big fight that did not arouse anyone in the entire world ever. I may be the only man to admit this, but a large group of women rolling around and pulling at each other's hair is not very attractive. Now, put them in a ball pit and maybe I'll take notice.
WWE Title Match
John Cena (c) vs. Shawn Michaels
Currently a one-man stable, Shawn Michaels is either the D or the X in DX. I guess he's whatever letter is the more Jesus-y. Oh, he must the X because there's a big X hanging from the set. The Showstopper came down to the ring to an adequate reception. Not unlike Elijah Burke, Shawn Michaels was adorned with a flashy red and white bolero. He has always worn that entrance attire, but I thought I should mention that WWE thinks wearing boleros is the new pogs. Michaels summoned the power of Christianity to spark a pyro sequence on the elaborate steel beams above.
Minutes later, we were treated to lengthy video of a Mustang convertible speeding around the streets of Detroit. No other vehicles are on the streets with the car. Who is special enough to block off traffic for several hours? Please, WWE. Let Shawn Stasiak be the driver of this here automobile. The car came to a sudden stop in front of Ford Field. Sadly, I knew right there it wasn't Shawn Stasiak. Please, WWE. Let Glacier be the driver of the Mustang.
The Mustang went into the rear or side entrance of Ford Field and kept on speeding. It made another stop. Is Jerry Flynn driving? Just when I couldn't stand the suspense, the car skidded and smashed through a Wrestlemania 23 pane of glass. Aw nuts. John Cena is driving. Get out of the way. That was the breakiest glass of them all.
As his music began, Cena shoved the door open and revealed himself. Driving badly is not a fantastic feat, John Cena. I do it every day, except I drive a scooter. He walked down the aisle to face Shawn Michaels, waiting in the ring. HBK is not impressed. Before the match was to begin, I saw a mysterious figure in the corner of the shot without pants on his lower body. "Is that you, Meng?" I asked the television before me. It turns out that the man in question was a streaker who was only down to his underwear. Referee Mike Chioda showed him what's what and took him out. Chioda speared and jackhammered him to spawn his new gimmick -- Chiodaberg.
Michaels started off slow with Cena, applying headlocks and knife-edge chops to the WWE Champion of All That Spins. Whenever Cena would try to hit Michaels, Shawn would duck and chop him to the mat. The Detroit crowd was similar to the Chicago crowd of Wrestlemania 22, with the adult males aged 18-34 booing him until they could not breathe and the females and children cheering as if he was an amalgamation of their dreams and desires. It was the exact response women and children would give a present-giving Santa Claus, if Santa Claus was also a good listener and enjoyed shopping for drapes on Sunday.
Cena and HBK wandered outside of the ring and brawled. Shawn replaced Hunter as the guy who allowed the audience to go "Yay!" whenever he punched Cena. Conversely, John was the "Boo!" provider. Michaels incapacitated Cena long enough to take to the air with a beautiful Asai moonsault from the ring apron to the announce table. The table did not break. They get the finest furniture for Wrestlemania, I tell you what.
Back inside of the ring, Michaels worked on Cena's leg. In real life, John Cena's leg was not injured, yet in scripted life, it was supposed to be. Michaels began to bleed after an accidental collision with the ringpost. John spent a decent amount of time acting like his leg was hurt until he forgot it was during the offensive rally. Apparently, John Cena's leg is Wolverine. It's only his leg, though. The rest of his body is... Gambit or something. Shawn tried to hit the Sweet Chin Music on Cena, but nailed the referee with it. This is an inconvenient but unavoidable event of human life.
John Cena tried to take Michaels out with the FU but Michaels countered with a DDT (FUDDT). One time, this girl tried to hug me. I did not feel the same way about her because one of her teeth was a tad crooked, so I countered her hug into an octopus stretch until she passed out. I know where you're coming from, Shawn. Counters rule. Shawn took Cena out of the ring and pushed aside the top section of the steel steps in order to piledrive Cena's noggin on the second set. Cena bled from the top of his head because when somebody lets you fall head first onto a hard surface, you are going to feel discomfort.
Upon their return to the ring, Michaels tried for Sweet Chin Music but Cena came back with a clothesline. John executed the FU and went for the pinfall. One, two, nope. Cena was not done and granted HBK admission into STFU (Stepover Toehold Facelock University) but Michaels escaped. I guess he's holding out for the University of California, Berkeley.
In one of the superb moments of the match, John Cena and the referee argued in the corner. Shawn Michaels casually walked up to his opponent. What happened? Superkick. All. Up. In. John. Cena's. Mouf. John Cena went down like two and a half bags of bricks or one wheelbarrow full of cinder blocks (I forgot the saying). Amazingly, Cena kicked out because his leg continues to be Wolverine. Damn his healing body parts. Damn them all to Kentucky. Cena came back with another STFU in the middle of the ring. This is very reminiscent of Wrestlemania 22. Shawn, with thinning hair all over his tired and aged face, squirmed for a while, then tapped out. Cena is still your champ. He gets the end-of-the-show fireworks display.
Triple H tapped out at Wrestlemania 22. Shawn Michaels tapped out at Wrestlemania 23. This can only mean one thing -- John Cena will face Chyna at Wrestlemania 24.
- Ladders break when you fall on them.
- Mr. Kennedy hates little people.
- Moolah and Mae Young will outlive us all.
- Giant hooks don't win you matches.
- The Undertaker is the most agile undertaker. Embalmers are almost as agile, but not quite.
- Matt Striker monkeyflips are cool.
- "Shake it off, Bobby! Come on, Bobby! Shake if off, Bobby!
- Umaga snazzy tights must mean he has a seamstress.
- Trumpacanranas are the new hurancanranas.
- Vince McMahon somewhat disapproves of his bald head.
- Watching Ashley wrestle is like witnessing a broom with a large mop at the end wrestle.
- Do not carpool with John Cena.
- Cena's leg regenerates into a healthy one about two minutes after aggravation.
- Shawn Michaels is good.
- Edge vs. Undertaker
- John Cena vs. Ken Kennedy
- The Never Before Seen Match: Triple H vs. Shawn Michaels
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