Professional wrestlers have many errands. Life on the road fifty-two weeks a year can be quite tiresome. First, there's a 5 AM wake-up call, followed by a strenuous workout. They pump iron, they get fit, then they eat breakfast. During breakfast at the local wafflehouse, they must somehow fit in time for a WWE meet-and-greet, autographing some guy's old magazine and some nameless kid's foam title belt with a broken faceplate. After that, they work out once more while appearing on The Morning Zoo Show at 96.5 XBX FM, featuring Zany Pete, Frantic Frederick, and Jane the Traffic Reporter.
Next, an afternoon of driving is at hand as they attempt to move through stationary traffic jams in order to make it on time to the arena. If they arrive early, wrestling officials lecture them on the fundamentals of the entertainment sport. If they arrive late, wrestling officials lecture them on time management. If they arrive at the exact time they are expected to come, wrestling officials kick them off of the program, suspecting that the young superstars believe they are better than the old-timers due to their excellent punctuality. At the end of the show, the grapplers work out a third time while eating craft service scraps as dinner in the empty backstage area. Finally, they drive back to their hotel, forced to entertain themselves until slumber by watching informercials about bowel control. When they wake up in the next morning, the day starts all over again.
These arduous schedules force the performers and companies of wrestling that we all know and love to keep track of their futures by keeping personal checklists. While some lists involve important tasks that require a significant deal of effort to complete, there are others that do not need much care at all.
So, what do these checklists entail? Let's take a look.
Lashley is a busy, busy, busy, busy, busy, busy, bizz-ay man. Recently, he can be seen on almost all weekly progams provided by World Wrestling Entertainment, spearing and clotheslining the McMahons and Umaga to the delight of at least ten people. Surprisingly, he was about to appear on Heat, but he doesn't know where WWE put it. Well, did he check the glove compartment in WWE's car?
The Incredible Feats of Bobby Lashley to Garner the Love of the Audience
X Winning the ECW World Championship
X Shaving Vince McMahon's Head
-- Defeating Three Men at Once
-- Righting the Leaning Tower of Pisa
-- Resurrecting the Dinosaurs from Prehistoric Mosquitos Stuck in Amber
Wrestlemania 23 promoted many things, including the Ford Mustang's capablity to be driven by reckless individuals. In modern car commercials, stuntmen drive shiny vehicles in a beautiful and swift fashion through winding turnpikes, bridges, and rollercoaster tracks, but at least those advertisements are accompanied with a warning. Because professional drivers are behind the wheel, these stuntment are allowed to go nuts on asphalt. In turn, normal folk are advised to drive safely for they are not trained in such an occupation, yet that does not stop John Cena. He will continue to drive violently through things whether we like it or not. Keep your loved ones at home, human beings. John Cena is hankering to make another flashly entrance.
John Cena's Vehicular Casualties
X Wrestlemania 23 Pane of Glass
X Triple H's Barbarian Throne
X The RAW Main Event Scene
-- Comedy
-- Schoolhouse Full of Needy Orphans
As of late, RAW's enormous giant makes his living by disappearing every two weeks, only to return to defeat a small cruiserweight in ten seconds. Sadly, WWE does not let us know the person behind the incomprehensible yelling and arm raising and chopping and hurting and largeness from this sports entertainer. Therefore, it should be of no shock to anyone that Khali is a mysterious man, but did you know that he thoroughly enjoys to watch motion pictures in his spare time? Of course you didn't. World Wrestling Entertainment teaches us nothing. Hey, I didn't know Randy Orton could pin Shawn Michaels lying lifeless on his back. I had no idea two plus plus equalled twelfthteen. Kudos, publicly shared company. Many a kudo.
The Great Khali's Netflix Queue
X WWE Judgment Day (2006)
X The Longest Yard (2005)
X See No Evil (2006)
-- The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (2005)
-- Pooh's Heffalump Movie (2005)
The grandest stage of them all proved to be one of the worst stages of them all for Vince McMahon's scalp. To have your head shaved is one of the most embarrassing consequences of losing a wrestling match. In real life, having a bald head is similar to walking around town without any pants, yet you can't fix the mistake because it's somewhat permanent. A few weeks ago on RAW, Shane McMahon put his hairdo on the line against Bobby Lashley and lost by disqualification. Apparently, hair cannot change hands on a disqualification, but the NWA World Championship of TNA can. This is an insane world we're living in at the moment. People are using cellular phones, young kids are impregnating each other, and black silhouettes are dancing to music in front of neon backgrounds. Have you ever met a black silhouette? I don't trust them. They have no ears, eyes, or throat.
Vince McMahon's Hat Sequence
X Fedora
-- Bowler
-- Sombrero
-- Hulkamania Bandana
-- Tiara
The RAW after Wrestlemania 23 solidified Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch as two dudes who can almost win the World Tag Team Titles they already won mere weeks after their WWE debut. If it wasn't for Matt and Jeff Hardy, Cade and Murdoch would be standing upon the marble pedestal of greatness, looking down on the legendary Cryme Tyme, the world's greatest tag team The World's Greatest Tag Team, and Viscera and his Pajamas. At WWE Backlash, the duo will get their hands on Hardys one more time. Can they take advantage of this opportunity and secure tag told for the second time? You can give WWE forty dollars to find out, though I bet their answer will be a countout.
Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch's Evolution of Monikers
X Texas and Tennessee
X Cade and Murdoch
-- A Wrestler Named Garrison and Stan Dupp
-- Chappy Jones and The Fat Man
-- The Jobby Job Job Junior Shabadoos
Ashley Massaro, the 2005 RAW Diva Search winner, lit it up at Wrestlemania 23, putting on a zero-to-five star match against Melina. Unfortunately, her momentum was halted when she was attacked by Jillian Hall on a recent episode of Friday Night Smackdown, succumbing to the career-threatening injury that makes a person scream in pain like they're laughing or having awkward intercourse. If that's what actucally happens when a women gets injured, I think I've been accidentally injuring women for at least a few years. Sorry, lady parts and owners of lady parts. Biggest apologies, Glen.
With that said, Ashley Massaro is set to return any day now. If her checklist is correct, she will definitely return with a big bang.
Ashley Massaro's Ladder to Success
X Wear a Backwards Hat
X Stick Your Tongue Out A Whole Bunch
X Get Photographed Naked
X "Wrestle"
-- Academy Award
The feud between the ECW Originals and the New Breed has escalated to a new level of intensity. Previously courted by both factions, former independent wrestling superstar CM Punk chose to side with the huddled masses led by one Elijah Burke. Punk has not yet indicated the true reason behind his choice, but maybe his checklist will reveal his intentions. Has Punk turned on the fans of ECW, or is he trying to disband the young group from the inside out? Tune in to ECW on Sci-Fi. Maybe you'll find out. Maybe Snitsky will look perturbed. I'm not guaranteeing anything.
CM Punk's Explained Reasons for Joining the New Breed
X Exposure
-- Comradery
-- Profit
-- Dental Benefits
-- Unlimited Vampirical Guidance
The additions of Sting and Kurt Angle has given TNA a clear boost to the upper echelon of sports entertainment. If the hiring of these big names was supposed to bring the company some buzz, it worked. As of now, two more people know that TNA is a wrestling company and not an abbreviated name for womanly bumps and humps. Now, Total Non-stop Action is venturing to new worlds outside of the stagnant environment of the TNA Impact Zone (like Missouri), but they will never be able to compete with World Wrestling Entertainment unless they unleash the big guns. So, what are these guns that are big? Electricity. Gimmicked electricity.
Electrified Things to be Presented by TNA's Creative Team
X Steel Cage
-- Hexagonal Ring
-- Don West
-- Mike Tenay's Infinite Tuxedo
-- Swinging Towel Man's Towel
Marcus Cor Von's shoulder tackle finisher has not been named by WWE. Possibly, they are afraid of naming it for its impact transcends any measure of explanation from the English language. When a large man bounces you off of the ropes, only to bounce himself off the ropes to thrust his body into your person, you are going to hurt. If they just named it Hurty Hurty Gumdrops, I would accept it as a legimitimate and scary maneuver. Well, Hurty Hurty Gumpdrops is the name for my finishing move, so Cor Von cannot use it. Though, perhaps he can use another great name... if either he or WWE wants to think of one.
Names for Marcus Cor Von's Finishing Move
X "What a Move"
X "I Love That Move"
X "Devastating Move"
X "Impactful Move"
-- "Forward Thrusting Dragon Inverted Front Side Special Dragon Collision Ocelot 2007"
On April 16, 2007, OVW's Boris Alexiev debuted on RAW as an international wrestling fan named Santino Marella. His amazing Intercontinental Championship victory proved to the world that this fellow is not afraid of Vince McMahon, nor Umaga, nor the angry slaps of Jim Cornette. According to the provided storyline, Santino's dream was to wrestle for World Wrestling Entertainment, and the fulfillment of his dream has made him very happy. If you ask me, they hired the wrong "fan". They should've hired RAW GM For A Day Michael Peña. I think he could show Umaga a thing or two. One of those things would be his sweet decoder ring.
Gimmicks for WWE Intercontinental Champion Santino Marella
X Red-shoes-wearing Guy
X Man with a Lot of Tattoos Who Also Wrestles
X Wrestler with Italian Accent
-- Plumber Who Delves into Magical Worlds to Save A
Beautiful Princess
-- Released
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