Single White E-mails

In this installment of The Swerved: Special Edition, I comment on an article I typed sometime around October of the year 2005. What a unique time it was. Leaves were falling on the ground... and there was a pumpkin somewhere. The following piece was the first of an entire series entitled Single White E-mails. To this day, people wonder if the questions I answered came from actual fans. To set the record straight, these queries were from true wrestling enthusiastics. For instance, former fifty-thousand-time WWE Women's Champion Trish Stratus wrote a letter to me. Why would I lie about that?

*****
The Wrestling Professor is a lot like The Ultimate Warrior. For instance, he just recently changed his first name to "The Wrestling". Also, he wears neon tassels and runs a lot. Honestly, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have no introduction.

(You don't have to be The Ultimate Warrior to own arm taseels. You don't even have to be The Ulimate Warrior to run a lot. At the end of the day, we can't always be Ultimate. Sometimes, we're lucky to be The Penultimate Water Boy.)

Although, I actually do.

You see, the world is a busy place. We are all busy in a way. What way is that exactly? When I mention that most of us have to inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide on a consistent basis, you will understand why children today have to be raised by television and microwaves rather than their own parents. The Wrestling Professor is one of those select individuals with little time to spare. As a human being, he simply cannot reply to every single letter he receives. Therefore, I will try my hand at answering questions from the heralded mailbag, some even directed towards me. Due to this being a mailbag of the electronic variety, I feel slightly detached from the process. So, I took it upon myself to fill a potato sack with large pieces of confetti. I will be disappointed every time I try to grab a letter from the sack, but it's going to be quite the celebration when I do.

(When I win my first professional wrestling championship, I'm not going to celebrate with confetti raining down on me. It's too overdone. To the readers of this entry, please remind me to replace the confetti supply in the rafters with knives. My victory celebration will be superb.)

Anyway, here are your questions and my answers:

Lend Me Your Cheers

What is your favourite catchphrase? -Jonathan Velasquez of Portland, Oregon

S: One of the most profitable wrestling catchphrases that I've heard recently would have to be the "What time is it? It's Summer Time!" line said by Summer from the 2005 RAW Diva Search. I think summer is a wonderful time period and since I do not have a clock that can tell me which season it is, that young woman has helped me greatly; let it be known that I cannot thank her enough. I tried using Vader's catchphrase in a useful way, but I found it to be damn near impossible. "It's Time! It's Time! It's Vader Time!" does not play a part in my daily routine as I do not know what time "Vader Time" actually is. Is Vader Time relegated to a certain time zone and/or hemisphere? Could it be a time different from the top of the hour? Is it half past Vader now and if so, what time is that really? There are just too many confusing questions that go along with Vader Time as opposed to Summer Time. Now, if you're talking about PRIME TIME BABY, that's entirely different. If you don't know when PRIME TIME BABY is, I suggest you go back to school to obtain your SED (Skipper Equivalency Diploma).

(If I ran a wrestling company, Elix Skipper would be my top star. Just as Triple H had Evolution, Skipper would have a stable named Elixir. He would be the leader, Prince Iuakea would be the grizzled veteran, and Disorderly Conduct would still lose every match ever.)

No Stratusfaction

"I'm such a great fan of your sexy, sexy work. You're the greatest person ever. You should be the WWE World AND Women's Champion of writing. I can't tell you how much I love what you do. Maybe we should get together some time to talk about how great you are. You know, why don't we get ourselves a hotel room and have a little fun? You can (expletive) my nice (expletive) as I (expletive) your hot (expletive). As we (expletive) all day in that (expletive), we can go into a steamy (expletive) until you (expletive) on my fine (expletive) and I (expletive) until I can't (expletive) no more. We can then (expletive) and (expletive) my big (expletive) as I walk over and (expletive) that long (expletive) and (expletive). All through the night we'll (expletive) and (expletive) that (expletive) while we (expletive) on a credenza among the company of giraffes. If you’re interested, contact me at (number withheld)."
-Hungrily yours, Trish Stratus

S: Excuse me, fair maiden? I just dropped my monocle in a fine glass of Chardonnay in reaction to this. For shame, Ms. Stratus. While I do appreciate your comments, I cannot say the same for the questionable adult content of your letter. Perchance on a moonlight dreary you have thought to yourself such vile and sinful thoughts, but I am a man of forthwith distinction and will not partake in your request. Believe you me when I say with great conviction that I find you quite attractive to mine eye, but your words are distinctly opposite. This is not everyday speak from a WWE Diva and I am flabbergasted to an considerable degree. Firstly, you cannot (expletive) an (expletive) without the proper diving equipment and a swimming buddy in tow. Second of all, this question and answer section is solely reserved for professional wrestling related queries. Finally, this fine publication is targeted towards small children and families. With that said, we must uphold ourselves to such honorable standards at all times. So, I reluctantly thank you for your input. Please keep reading otherwise.

P.S.: To (expletive) on a credenza is illegal in North America, but I'm in on the giraffes. I'll be in Room (number withheld) at (name withheld) in (location withheld).

(She never got to meet me. Oh, that poor young woman. She wanted the life of luxury on Boardwalk and Park Place, but ended up marrying the mayor of 2nd Place Beauty Contest Winnerville.)

Russoriffic?

What do you think of Vince Russo?
-Wince Busso of Yew Nork, Yew Nork.

(When TNA fans chanted "Fire Russo!" at a recent Pay-Per-View, I frowned. Vince Russo's writing may not hit it out of the park every time, but when it comes down to the 4th quarter, he'll get the empty net goal into the uprights. Upon hearing such chants, Vince Russo's heart must have sunk into his chest and filed for bankruptcy of affection. For shame, TNA fans. You are no better than WWE, what with your incoherent screaming, unique odours, and questionable fashion sense.)

S: I think Mr. Russo is a tremendous person. If I were the Queen, and lived in England, and had a tiara and a horse carriage, and had a palace that I could call my very own, and had a delicious meal one day, and watched old episodes of Nitro, and saw Vince Russo on them, and saw Thunder right after, and had another scrumptious meal, and saw him win the WCW Title, and then walked around for a little bit because my left leg was cramping up, and then used a rotary telephone to order pizza, and then watched WCW Saturday Night, and then had a nap, and then woke up a little groggy so I rested in a daybed, and then woke up again, and then flew a kite, and then came back inside to put on my large hat with twig-like decorations, and then drank some tea with two teaspoons of sugar, and then ate the delivered pizza by having one maid hold my mouth open as the other dispensed the food while making airplane noises, and then thought about stuff...I would maybe most likely probably consider knighting Vince Russo sometime this millennium.

Today, Not Tomorrow Nor Yesterday

Who do you think are the best wrestlers still competing today?
-Clementine Pratt of Calgary, Alberta

S: Here are a few off the top of my head:
-Eddie Guerrero (There is no explanation needed for this, homes. You can count on that, gardens. Oil of Olay, Vato. Pizza la raza.)
-Kurt Angle (With injuries and all, he's still one of the most talented individuals I'll ever see in a wrestling ring. Additional kudos to him as I'm told that he plans to name his next son or daughter 90 Degree.)
-Jay Leno (I gave his 1998 Road Wild Match 4.5 stars because I admired his finishing maneuvre -- The Pin. It was so great that Stephanie McMahon stole the move for her very own.)
-Chris Benoit (Still great for his age and could put on a good match with a broomstick and a Match of the Year Candidate with a unused Swiffer Sweeper. On a related note, I think that putting your significant other in The Crippler Crossface during the wintertime is a great way to both warm their captured hand in place of a mitten and for them to touch you intimately.)
-Carson Daly (One of the greatest wrestling talk show hosts to never wrestle. He's this low on the list as I find his "Being Carson Daly" gimmick greatly offensive to other hosts in general and Latinos. Otherwise, he's excellent.)
-"The Macho Man" Fred Savage (Wrestlemania VII: Kevin Arnold reunites with Miss Winnie Cooper after losing to Wayne Arnold. Enough said. He's still as awesome now as he was then, if not better.)

(I heard that Carson Daly's style is akin to King's Road. I don't what that means, but I assume it has something to do with being not good at the funny.)

Chandler and Moniker

If you could pick a nickname to call yourself, what would it be?
-Wesley Bernard of Tampa Bay, Florida

S: To answer this question, I need to use a quirky and humorous anecdote:

I was eating lunch one day at a restaurant when "You Can't See Me" played over the speakers and John Cena stepped into the place flailing his arms everywhere and angrily spinning his belt at the elderly and tiny babies. Fed up with his antics, I grabbed a microphone from a nearby microphone vending machine and cut a freestyle on him, remarking "You think you're street when you're all just bunk. You're not fully crunk unless you're Zest-fully crunk". He then grabbed a microphone, pumped up his high-top shoes, and called me "Stephen-2-Thrifty-When-It-Comes-To-Fruit-Flavoured-Brand-Name-Cereals". I walked up to him and raised his arm in humble defeat. Therefore, I think Stephen-2-Thrifty-When-It-Comes-To-Fruit-Flavoured-Brand-Name-Cereals would be my nickname. I can't help but admit that what he said is true. I like Rainbow Rings as opposed to Fruit Loops. He caught me.

(Before you got swerved on this here blog, John Cena stomped my yard. He stomped it good. My lawn can't grow grass anymore. I would go to Home Depot to replace my yard, but I'm afraid he'll come back and make it tap out or something like that.)

SpikedTV?

Do you think Total Non-Stop Action Wrestling (TNA) can make it?
-J. Bailey of Sacramento, California

S: I asked a few fans about this and I've come to the conclusion that it definitely can. One fan responded with "What's a TNA? Can you eat it?". Another thought it was some sort of disease you get through intercourse (definition: combining two mini-golf courses into one). If those answers are any indication, Jerry and Jeff Jarrett have a moneymaker on their hands. Imagine if they named the promotion Incomplete Part-Time Postponement Tiddlywinks. They would have never made it, unless any of you believe otherwise. If you know what's good for you...you do not.

(Now that I ponder the thought, Incomplete Part-time Postponement Tiddlywinks would be a fantastic name for a wrestling federation. Wait, I believe I have ten million dollars in my trust fund. Maybe I should start my company right now. Somebody get Elix Skipper on the phone. Don't ask for Mean Mike or Tough Tom. They can be Chatty Cathys.)

Inside The Columnist's Studio

Hello there. Big fan of the site. I've interviewed the biggest stars in entertainment, and now I'd like to interview someone completely different. In terms of sports entertainment, I have always wondered what your answers would be to the following questions below...

(I think James Lipton just dissed me in the above paragraph. Oh, he "wonders" what my answers will be? Is he saying that I'm Wonder Bread or something? I'll show him. Let me summon the confetti from the ceiling first. His suit is definitely going to be riddled with pieces of thin, colourful, stray paper, and he won't be able to do anything to stop it.)

Sincerely,
James Lipton

S: 01. What is your favorite word?
Slammiversary

02. What is your least favorite word?
Wrestling

03. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
International objects, "modified versions" of moves, diva searching and finding

04. What turns you off?
Wrestling Gods, grappling priests, rapping monks

05. What is your favorite curse word?
Slammiversary

06. What sound or noise do you love?
You the know the noise when a wrestler is about to do a run-in, and his music hits, and the fans go nuts with insane anticipation for his arrival? You do? Good, because my answer to this question is the sound that a cowbell makes.

(A cowbell usually goes "Oooooh Chavo!" I don't recall where I found that cowbell. Possibly, I was playing the instrument incorrectly when it made the sound, though I cannot confirm that claim.)

07. What sound or noise do you hate?
Spitting in the face of people who want to be cool, but do not have the appropriate funding readily available to them to be cool. Spitting is always full of hatred and saliva, and costs ten grand each instance due to the newly enforced Inner Apple Exposure Tax, so why do it?

08. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Special Guest Bottom Turnbuckle

09. What profession would you not like to do?
Slammiversary

(Slammiversary is the new bingo. There was a farmer who had a dog and Slammiversary was it's name-o... S-L-A... and all that. I'm tired. Give me a break.)

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"I got everything I ever wanted, and I'll never give that back. Oh I know you hate X-Factor, but you ain't gotta look at me like that. You ain't gotta look at me like that..."

(Some entrance theme historians claim that X-Factor had the worst music in the history of wrestling. I beg to differ. Look, not everything on this planet can be rocking. Also, X-Pac was there. That's my argument. Good night.)

By the way, thanks for your support and good luck with your Cup-A-Soup franchise, Mr. Lipton.