On a dark and stormy September evening in the year 2005, I heard a violent knock at the door. Adorned in my Undertaker pajamas, complete with urn footsies, I left my comfy leather couch and stumbled towards the noise. As the seconds passed, the knock grew louder until the sound beat as hard as the raindrops on the city streets that night. With great hesitance, I peered through the tiny peephole and noticed a dark figure shivering and shuffling on the welcome mat in front of the shrouded entrance of my home.
"Can I help you?" I asked, gently placing my hand over the pristine golden doorknob.
There was no response. I jogged to the nearest window in an attempt to gain a better view of the mysterious being, but all I that I could see was a vague shape of a suffering human with nowhere to go.
"Who's there?" I said, slowly stepping back to the foyer in a Undertakian manner.
"Open up. It's Jimbo."
The man's voice startled me greatly. After his reply, I don't know how I did it, but I guessed that fellow Armpit Wrestling writer was standing at my door. The tone in which he spoke was comforting, yet truly peculiar. I have never heard him speak before. Based on his popular wrestling columns, I assumed his verbal speech consisted of loud, brief, piercing taps emanating from an old computer keyboard.
I swiftly opened the door to welcome my professional tussling cohort into my creative abode of wonder and merriment, yet he just stood there in his damp attire with a look of disdain on his tired, masked face.
"What's the matter?" I said.
Suddenly, Jimbo revealed a ring bell from behind his back. Just as he was about to strike my temple with the bell, I ducked under his swinging arms and called down a lightning strike from the heavens above. The bolts pierced through the clouds and shattered the concrete ground and soil out from under our feet. Jimbo threw down the bell in frustration and scurried away from the scene, hopping over mounds of ruined walkway and grassy rocks.
As I stood at my doorway with my eyes rolled all the way back into my head, Jimbo stood tall in the distance. He raised his arms and set them quickly sent them right back down. Bursts of fire were brought forth from the four ring posts strategically placed in my neighbourhood to form a squared circle shape.
From that day forward, Jimbo was my rival. One day, I vowed to face him at Wrestlemania. Until that time comes, I will place upon him the biggest shame of all -- Your Friendly Neighbourhood Jimbo is the next subject of The Interviewered.
The Interviewerved (Against Communism): Jimbo [Part 1]
Jimbo: Statistics
- Writer and owner of Slackers Against Communism at www.slackersagainstcommunism.blogspot.com
- Portrayed the fifth rung of the second ladder utilized in the TLC Tag Team Title Match between The Hardy Boyz, The Dudley Boyz, and The Edge & Christian
Boyz at Wrestlemania X-Seven
- If we do not meet at Wrestlemania 23, I fully expect face him at Wrestlemania 24. Our feud will consist of him putting chocolate in my peanut butter, while I return the favour by cutting his vehicle's chocolate-coloured brakes... with peanut
butter.
- Wrestlemania Finishing Move: Hangman's Noose Eyepoke
10 Questions
1) Wrestlemania 23 will come to us live from Ford Field in Detroit, Michigan. I predict the Wrestlemania 23 entrance set will have something to do with cars, The Detroit Tigers and or Pistons, and Eminem. Quite possibly, giant statues will be erected of Eminem wrestling a tiger and or piston inside of a Ford Mustang convertible. If you could design the Wrestlemania 23 stage with no spending limitation, what would it consist of?
J: When I think of Detroit, I think of a lot of things, but mainly RoboCop. The WWE would be so blowing it this year if they didn't utilize a RoboCop theme, just like at my junior prom. I went as that guy that plays Red on That 70s Show and my date went as an ED-209 and it was magical.
S: RoboCop is so romantical. No wonder why they used a Robocop motif for your junior prom. I bet your date was part human, part machine, but all woman.
On the other hand, I never had a junior prom. One year, for the first time in my high school's history, they were about to have a junior prom but it never happened. You see, I was the head of the Prom Committee that year, so obviously, I chose a N-N-N-New World Order theme. All lovely prom couples would be dancing on the gym floor to the lovely nWo theme until I would appear from the rafters wearing face paint with a baseball bat in hand. As I cleaned house on all prom goers in the gym, I would be left alone with my date, who would be dressed as Fake Sting. As we approached each other, about to fight it out to determine the superior Sting, I would embrace her and whisper in her ear, "You may be fake, but your love is real to me." End credits somewhere would roll as we engaged in Sting-on-Sting action.
As it turned out, I was never allowed to attend that particular high school ever again.
2) Because Ashley achieved every young girl's dream of getting naked for profit and publicity, she gets to face Melina for the WWE Women's Championship, instead of Mickie James, who got naked for profit before, but does not get naked for profit nor publicity now. Therefore, Mickie James will not be included in the title match. On the grandest stage of them all, it's time for Ashley Massaro to show off her wrestling prowess. What moves are you looking forward to seeing from the Playboy covergirl?
J: Ah, fantastic. Two blondes with no discernible talent stealing precious airtime that could be going towards a La Parka promo. Fact of the matter is, I just don't give much of a hoot about either of them. I'm only attracted to Eastern European ballerina-figure skater-types so the proposition of watching Melina and Ashley screw up spots isn't too appetizing. That being said, I'd love to see Ashley try one of those Steve Williams back body drop drivers, though.
S: Excuse me, kind lad, but Ashley has perfected the second rope elbow drop. It is the most devastating finisher I have ever seen. No great wrestler has employed such an elbow drop before. It has never even been attempted before for fear of grave injury or death. Therefore, three cheers for Ashley for being so brave and athletic. Let's all feast our eyes on an innovator, a pioneer, and a natural wonder.
3) Umaga represents Vince McMahon while Bobby Lashley represents Donald Trump in the Battle of the Billionairies Match, in which one of them will most
definitely become a Baldinaire. I've likened Donald Trump's hairdo to a thin piece of shredded wheat; I've compared Vince McMahon's hair to that of a sloth who has endured much stress and suffering in his life. When the world ends, would you prefer to have an abundance of shredded wheat, or a cornicopia of sloths?
J: Definitely the shredded wheat. Where else am I going to get my necessary dietary fiber and whole grains? From the government? I think not.
S: Stop badmouthing the government. I'm sure they could put on an event as good or even better than Wrestlemania. In fact, I hear rumours that Publi, the Republican Elephant, has chosen First Lady Laura Bush as his representative to wrestle Former First Lady Hilary Rodham Clinton, the representative of Badonkadonkey, The Democratic Donkey, in a Loser Stops Being Produced in Animal Cracker Form Match.
Plus, I hear the government gives people cheese. Now, I may not be a nutritionist or a food-making person, but I believe if you let cheese sit out in the sun for a long period of time, it eventually becomes shredded wheat. Take that, Jimbo. Take it like a free gift.
4) Speaking of shredded wheat and or sloths, Stone Cold Steve Austin will be the special guest referee in the Battle of the Billionaires Match. I assume he will be appearing at Wrestlemania 23 to promote his new film entitled The Condemned, the latest picture to be released by WWE Films. In comparison to The Marine starring John Cena, which movie will have the most explosions?
J: By default, The Condemned wins. Its protagonist is a guy that drinks Steve-weisers and hugs his boss and the villain is that dude that played the Juggernaut. That's the kind of movie that you sneak liquor into. I expect the film to have more explosions than dialogue. By contrast, The Marine has zero explosions because it was a dud. And yes, that's the wittiest thing I'll say in this interview.
S: If The Condemned movie screenings of the future encourage liquor smuggling, what did the screenings for The Marine encourage when it was out in theatres? If you wish to ask me, when I saw The Marine for the seventh time in the same day, I brought in a big bottle of Hawaiian punch, but there was no need to smuggle it; I just proudly drank that punch for the entire duration of the movie. The only time I didn't drink punch was when John Triton said "They've taken a hostage... it's my wife." After he said that, I switched to drinking Welch's grape juice. I thought it would be disrespectful to drink such a vibrantly coloured drink at such a solemn time, so I went for the refreshment that would convey the most sadness and despair.
5) Triple H is sidelined with a quadricep tear, which will prevent him from competing at Wrestlemania. Even with his injury, do you think Triple H will show up in Detroit? If so, how will he show up and what shenanigans will he commit?
J: I'm not quite sure, but if he doesn't show up wearing that barbarian outfit again, I'll be sorely disappointed.
S: He has always worn that barbarian outfit in my mind. He will never be without that barbarian outfit in my heart for he is the best human being in the world with such an outfit on his person. Do you remember in the olden days when barbarians would walk around town holding a bottled Evian in case they were parched? I don't, but it sounds fun.
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