As a world famous analyst of professional grappling and professional grappling accessories, watching and observing a single company can get a tad tiresome. Surely, World Wrestling Entertainment was, is, and will forever be a sports entertainment juggernaut, but I can only take so many Diva Dance-offs before my brain implodes within my skull. "So, are you going to do that amazing arm pump and butt thrust dance, or are you going to shock the world by standing there and swaying back and forth in a seductive fashion?"
Other wrestling critics may claim TNA is the ultimate alternative for it provides fast-paced action and a younger and hungrier roster than WWE, yet I somewhat have to disagree. For every Christy Hemme versus Rotund Male Dancer mat classic I encounter, the company always mucks up my contentment with filler storylines and matches featuring performers such as Sparkly Coat Guy with Dollar Sign on Trunks Who's Unhappy with Everything, Pirate Cowboy Seeking Revenge on Drunk Cowboy, Old Facepaint Man Instilling Jesus in Kanekind Doppleganger, and Uncontrollable Brawl #1,756,486 between Balding Veiny Person and Jiggly Islander. Additionally, when I sit down in my comfy couch to watch some wrestling with a big bag of whatever commoners eat (quite possibly, these ilk consume some sort of gruel made up of Nutella and Cheetos,) I want to be able to enjoy my viewing experience in a span of more than two and a half minutes, except I can't do it since two and a half minutes is the average duration of three Impact main events.
Today, I look to Wrestling Society X to bring something new and different to the wrestling table not limited to explosions, electricutions, exploding explosions, electrical electricutions, exploding electricity, and electrical explosions. Most recently, WSX was on the brink of leaving the table altogether forever, but thankfully MTV changed their mind. To show my gratitude to Music Television, I'm changing my birthday plans. For my Super Sweet Sixteen Birthday Party, I don't want a diamond encrusted Mercendes Benz anymore. Instead, I want to pool those funds together to attain a ruby encrusted Mercendes Benz, then give MTV a $5 gift certificate to Arby's for their good nature and understanding.
A few days ago, I took some time out of my busy schedule of being super stupendous at everything to take a look at Episode 4 of Wrestling Society X. Sometimes, I like to take notes of the shows I am watching for future reference. I would not call them observations for that term is too simple, so let's call them Textual Snapshots of the Life Beautiful. Here they are:
1. Wrestling Society X Intro Begins
- Why am I flying through an abandoned Costco in this introduction?
- Whoa! Did you see that?!
- What a clothesline that was!
- Members of The Society, please welcome Clipse!
2. Clipse
- They're performing in front of the most cleanest, most well-dressed, most non-ugliest wrestling fans I have ever laid my eyes upon. If I didn't know any better, I would suspect their legitimacy.
- From what I can decipher from the song, Clipse is singing about ice cream and probably PVC pipes. If you don't like PVC pipes, you are a player hater.
3. Brent Ernst and Kris Kloss Tell Me Things
- Kris Kloss is sporting a mop top -- the unique trademark of every other young hipster living on this earthly soil. Kudos to him.
4. The Ring Announcer Runs and Screams
- His running and screaming have caused explosions. I'm making like wood cause I'm fairly petrified right now.
5. Matt Sydal w/ Lizzy Valentine Entrance
- If you squint your eyes hard enough, Matt Sydal looks like Alex Shelley. Surprisingly, if you squint your eyes hard enough once more, Lizzy Valentine looks like an image of Jesus Christ burnt onto a bean burrito. I'm impressed.
6. Scorpio Sky Entrance
- Scorpio Sky is carrying his high school awards to the ring to convey that out of all of the things high school has taught him, how to carry plaques with both hands was the most important lesson.
7. Match 1: Matt Sydal versus Scorpio Sky
- Scorpio Sky learned that hurricana in home economics class, no doubt.
- What was the point of Sydal executing a backflip before landing on his feet, only to drop a leg down on Sky's throat soon after? Maybe I should parachute from a plane and float onto a tire fire in order to cook marshmallows on a twig. It would make just as much sense.
- Sydal and Valentine dancing backwards in unison = I'm in love. The visual has stolen my heart and knocked up my world.
- Scorpio Sky learned that somersault plancha in social studies. So did I, Scorpio.
- The frontward moonsault is Matt Sydal's most effective frontward maneuvre. The second is his ability to walk.
- Valentine writes 'H8R' on Sky's back in lipstick. I guess Scorpio doesn't like PVC pipes.
8. Jack Evans Meets A Fan (In The Back Alley of Costco)
- Jack Evans has to bounce.
- Jack Evans has DVDs and the fan knows this.
- The fan also has DVDs.
- The fan's name is Marcus Riot. Maybe I should introduce him to my friend -- Montgomery Arson.
- Man, oh, man. I think they're saying man too much, woman.
- Marcus Riot gets kicked in his DVDs.
9. Ruckus Is Looking For His Gangsta Ladder
- Aw snap, crackle, pop, son. Ruckus is given a ladder with gleaming bling. Thank you, Slymm. Shine on, non-existent diamonds.
- How do you exactly "Keep It Gangsta?" Is there some sort of gym you have to attend on a weekly basis?
10. That 70's Team Entrance
- Disco Machine is wearing the same mask John Travolta wore in that great movie about the presence of a fever on Saturday night. For you movie buffs out there, if you guessed "Battlefield Earth", you are right.
11. Match 2: That 70's Team versus K.I.G. (Keepin' It Gangsta)
- Joey Ryan rubs oil on himself, then Disco Machine rubs nothing on himself to criticize the rising oil prices in the modern world.
- Apparently, "Keepin' It Gangsta" means to pull down somebody's tights and slap them on the behind. I guess I haven't Kept It Gangsta for a long while.
- Discoball to Ryan's discoballs.
- Somersault kick from the bling ladder! Wait, that kick from the bling ladder is the Quizno's Slamwich of the Match? That is definitely gangsta. Eat it Subway. Eat it fresh. You are not gangsta by any means.
12. "The Anarchist" Arik Cannon Promo
- He's beating up his friend and bragging about beating up his friend. Is that what friends are for?
- He's warning television viewers of his actions to come next week.
- What a terrible friend one has in Arik Cannon. He didn't even specify when he would be appearing next week. Thumbs down to The Anarchist. From now on, I will refer to him as "My Aunt Chris", who I dislike with a passion for reasons I won't reveal to the public.
13. The Ring Announcer Runs and Screams Some More
- The following match is set for... unbuttoned t-shirt.
- The Ring Announcer runs and screams some more.
14. El Hombre Blanco Enmascarado Ring Introduction
- If El Hombre hails from "Just North of the Border", why is he wearing a mask? Is he ashamed that he is not directly from the border?
15. The Human Tornado Entrance
- P-I-M-P. The Human Tornado has been laid out in the back by the constant spinning of the ring announcer. The announcer was trying to mimic the movement of an actual tornado to gather various trucks and farm animals into his deadly wind funnel, along with The Human Tornado himself. He could've been emulating Mary Tyler Moore too.
16. 6-Pac Enters The Ring
- Sean Waltman wants a piece of WSX Champion Vampiro. Alright, calm down, Pac. I'll get Justin Credible and Albert on the phone.
17. Vampiro Appears and Enters The Ring
- One fan is quite shocked by Vampiro's appearance. He's asking himself, "Did we go back in time? Is this WCW Thunder? Did I miss the party at the Nitro Grill? When is Prince Iaukea coming out to face Lodi?"
18. The Confrontation
- Scarred monster appears out of nowhere and attacks Vampiro before he can get to 6-Pac.
- Vampiro gets hit with nothing much really. For some reason, MTV's version of a fireball consists of a post-production effect somewhat reminiscent of invisible confetti. You've pimped my mind, MTV. Well played. I was going to give you a cookie, but you're a television network. Therefore, I plan to eat the cookie at my next Eating Cookies Society X meeting.
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