After months of mentoring, wrestling mentors, voting, drinking soda, and having deep discussions about flowers, World Wrestling Entertainment has found their next superstar. In Wade Barrett, WWE finally has a sports entertainer who doesn't like to correctly wear suit jackets. You might say that Wade was lucky to be a part of NXT, but I say that NXT was lucky to be a part of Wade Barrett's life. Polls don't lie. Forget about Daniel Bryan and Michael Cole's increasing sexual tension. Without a doubt, Wade Barrett will be number one in our hearts and minds for a long time to come.
As one tremendous season of NXT ends, a second one is about to emerge from a cocoon, turn into a butterfly, and appear on SyFy. This time around, eight up-and-comers will vie for a chance to become the next Wade Barrett, Justin Gabriel, or David Otunga. In order to be David Otunga, many of these NXT Rookies will have to marry Jennifer Hudson. With only so many Jennifer Hudsons available, look for this season to be full of great suspense and drama. Rookies will win, while others will lose. They might have to carry two kegs. I can't wait.
This season's NXT Pro lineup is a roll call of WWE's best and brightest. Co-Women's Champions Michelle McCool and Layla are ready to teach their rookie how to be flawless in a simplistic way. Current Intercontinental Champion Kofi Kingston will show his rookie how to embrace, then disown Jamaica. In addition, Montel Vontavious Porter gets to do something without William Regal borgarting his man. Skip Sheffield would have won if he had MVP's inflatable tunnel. Regal ruined it. He ruined it all.
The second season of WWE NXT will debut on June 8, but you might as well get your party supplies out now. In advance, I have prepared eight piñatas, modeled after the eight NXT Rookies. Even though I did not know what these rookies look liked when making the piñatas, I think I'll be okay. All eight NXT Rookies look like rainbow-coloured donkeys, right? If so, I'm golden. Thank heavens.
In his hype video, Husky Harris describes himself as a third-generation superstar. His grandfather is Blackjack Mulligan and his father is Mike Rotunda, also known as "The I.R.S. Man." He claims that he has been waiting for someone to let him off the leash and let him go. I don't know who this "someone" is, but I urge him or her to let him off the leash and let him go already. Not only did he have to change his last name to get onto WWE television, but he had to change his first name to an adjective that sensitively describes a fat person. Hasn't "The Husky Harris Man" suffered enough, someone?
Due to his lineage and pairing with second-generation superstar Cody Rhodes, I expect husky things from Husky Harris. Let's hope Cody's time with Hardcore Holly taught him how to treat potential superstars with dignity and respect. Do you remember that time Hardcore Holly showed up on Tough Enough, wrestled with Matt Cappotelli, and bought him ice cream? On second thought, let's hope Cody Rhodes learned nothing from Hardcore Holly.
NXT Pro John Morrison describes Eli Cottonwood as a “giant redwood tree.” For those of you who don't understand this comparison, Eli Cottonwood is a giant redwood tree in that he is taller than the other trees in the forest. Furthermore, he is able to sexually and asexually reproduce. As Eli's mentor, Morrison believes that he can teach him how to burn the entire forest down to the ground. While Morrison has good intentions, he shouldn't promote forest fires. Smokey the Bear might be a member of the WWE Universe. I would contact him to make sure, but I don't believe in bears taking up work as forest rangers. They are already bears. They have too much on their plate.
Cottonwood claims that he wants to win NXT and "inflict pain and carnage" amongst all the people who step in his path. Standing over seven feet tall and weighing over three hundred pounds will help him achieve both of his goals, but what about his secret, third goal? Does Eli want to produce lumber for the sturdy construction of buildings or not? He can't achieve all three goals. He must set his priorities straight.
First of all, Montel Vontavious Porter wants Percy Watson to understand that being a WWE Superstar takes hard work, dedication, and sacrifice. Montel's mentor — Sherri Sheperd from The View — was the one who first taught him this important lesson. Also, she showed him that you don't have time to know if the earth is flat or round when you've got kids to feed. If Percy Watson wants to be as successful as Montel and Sherri, he must put an end to his partying ways. When you're a WWE Superstar, you shouldn’t party as you will be too busy training and wrestling on a flat planet. Lose focus for one second and you might fall off the edge.
According to Percy, he is a "Sexy Star Stud Stallionaire." For now, I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt. That's four things he claims to be. I'll need to conduct a background check to determine if he's telling the truth. I'll especially need to look into the stallionaire part. I haven't been to his home in South Beach, but I doubt his place has room to house millions of stallions. Perhaps he could put a few thousand in his pool or under a cushion. Nevertheless, this guy seems charismatic, yet shady.
Apparently, Zack Ryder is planning to teach his NXT Rookie how to dress, get girls, and get "Zacked." Although Titus should look forward to learning the first two lessons, he could do without the third lesson. Zack Ryder taught me how to get "Zacked" before. The overall procedure and results were underwhelming at best. Zacking mostly involves cutting one of your pant legs, then cutting communication with your former brother Curt Hawkins. I have no problem with my former brother Curt Hawkins. After cutting communication with him, he snuck into my house and sewed the pant leg back onto my pants while I slept. He's good people.
Stone-faced powerhouse Titus O'Neil hopes that "a lot of his movements" will put him in a position to win. I assume that he is looking to move himself into the winning position by standing there. If not, I don't understand what these movements are. Titus insists that this process will be difficult and challenging, which leads me to believe that NXT has turned into a calculus course or "The Eliminator" — the final obstacle course on American Gladiators.
Michelle McCool and Layla are the first-ever, female, NXT Pros, proving to young and impressionable girls everywhere that it takes two women to do one man's job. Since Kaval gets to learn the ropes from two professionals, I expect twice as much out of him. He can't be one of those low-key wrestlers who are content to fly under the radar. With Lay-Cool by his side, I suggest that Kaval emerge as NXT's fighting, Japanese warrior. I know TNA had one of those guys, but I forgot his name. Oh, wait. I remember now. That guy was Cute Kip. Kaval must become a Billy-Gunn-esque warrior.
Brooklyn's own does not care how big or tough his opponents may be for he will fight tooth and nail until the very end. I am in favour of undersized individuals taking on tooth decay and tetanus, but Kaval is a wrestler. He should use his experience to help him win NXT, not serve as the world's dentist or doctor. Let tooth decay and tetanus sufferers figure out a solution on their own. They should have flossed more, or watched where they were stepping. That's their fault.
Mark Henry thinks that Lucky Cannon believes himself to be lucky. With a name like Lucky Cannon, he better think he is lucky. Otherwise, he would probably think he was a cannon and try to involve himself in an old-timey war of some sort. On top of being lucky, Mark Henry thinks that Cannon is lucky to have him as a mentor. In conclusion, Mark's thoughts have a gigantic ego. Mark Henry's thoughts should cool it with the ego stroking.
Due to a few close calls in his life, Cannon's family and friends named him Lucky. Actually, I don't think that makes him lucky at all. After years of being Jason (his placeholder name), Cannon's family and friends had to get together and have a lengthy discussion about what his actual name would be. Normal names such as Jeff, Joe, and Horseshoe Face were thrown around before they settled on Lucky.
In Lucky's hype video, he admits that he has a never-say-die attitude that prevents him from stopping. Having a predisposed lack of mental and physical control seems unfortunate rather than lucky.
Obviously, Michael McGillicutty is the son of WWE Hall of Famer Mr. McGillicutty. Unlike Mr. Perfect, Mr. McGillicutty was not perfect at everything. He couldn't play golf or basketball, but he did know how to cook an egg really well without breaking the yolk.
Kofi Kingston thinks that Michael is going to make his own mark, though neglects to explain why. Kofi just has that feeling about him. As for me, I don't believe anything Kofi says anymore. I bet he's not even from Ghana either. When WWE asked him where he was actually from, he took a globe, spun it, and put his finger on a random country. I hear them shouting, I hear them lying.
In one word, Michael McGillicutty's in-ring style is ruthless. In two words, Michael McGillicutty's in-ring style is ruthless and aggressive. In three words, Michael McGillicutty has Jamie Noble Hair. He wants you to call him wrestling royalty. Mr. McGillicutty knew how to cook eggs and was the reigning king of professional wrestling? I have to sit down for a minute. Michael's life is The Princess Diaries.
Michael Cole and I are glad that The Miz has agreed to be a Pro on the second season of NXT. As for The Miz, he is glad to not be paired up with an arrogant, egotistical loser like Daniel Bryan. This June, The Miz will be paired up with an arrogant, egotistical loser like "The Talent Of" Alex Riley. "The Talent Of" is my favourite wrestling nickname of the 21st Century. The talent of what exactly? Before you answer, stop right there. Whatever it is, it sounds talented.
From the sight of his sleeveless letterman's jacket, Alex Riley appears to be a pompous frat boy who sold his sleeves to buy a servant monkey that doesn't exist. Alex is lobbying to change the show's name from NXT to Alex Riley and the Seven Dorks. I highly anticipate the debut of Alex Riley and the Seven Dorks. Any show that perpetuates the idea that Alex Riley is the leader of dorks is a good and accurate one.
2 comments:
Haha, good article! They better change the "wild and young" theme... Eli Cottonwood is 35 years old. Go Alex Riley!
Well, 35 years is young... for a Giant Redwood NXTree Rookie.
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