The new RAW General Manager is a mystery, a authority figure that no one sees. Who could it be? So far, I have narrowed him or her down to anyone in World Wrestling Entertainment who knows how to use an e-mail account and is willing to have maintain close communication with Michael Cole. In other words, I have narrowed the GM’s identity down to three people. In my quest to determine the man or woman behind the e-mail address, I manage to accidentally stumble upon a series of messages that Michael did not read on the air. Thanks, Fisher Price Hacking Playset. I could not do this without you.
According to law, I have been told that my actions are less than legal. Well, if caring about WWE's well-being is illegal, throw me jail and keep me there until I roll two dice of the same number or pay fifty dollars in fake, pink money. Monday Night RAW is not a toy. Whoever this RAW General Manager may be, I pray that he or she is doing what is right for the company. After revealing that he was the GM of WWF RAW and WWE RAW, I do not need another Bret-Hart-like situation. He was controlling two shows in two companies, yet nothing was done to stop him. I, for one, am glad that his reign of tyranny is over.
The following e-mails serve as a telling window into this mystery GM's soul. Before you continue reading, prepare to be shocked, offended, and invigorated. For some of you, don't be surprised if you end up pregnant with the RAW General Manager's general babies. Surely, his or her words are powerful and sexually potent. If you are currently pregnant with child, do not even bother to read these e-mails because the GM's baby will defeat and replace the one that is already in your womb. To be honest, I'm not sure how that is physical possible, but I learned about the miracle of birth from various children's pop-up books. Don't take my word for it.
Wherever you are, mystery GM, I wish you good luck in your present endeavours. May your decisions send many a shockwave throughout RAW and change the landscape of the wrestling industry forever. To my knowledge, you shall be the first general manager to accomplish these lofty goals for nobody has tried what you're trying before. Early congratulations to you and yours, my no-named friend.
In this e-mail, the RAW General Manager discovers the wonders of sending messages through electronic means. At the same time, Michael Cole makes plan to give the mystery GM limited access to his Facebook account.
No more than one week removed from being announced as the new RAW General Manager, the mystery man or woman informs Michael Cole of a sure-fire way to make them big bucks. Once Michael Cole is finished selling knives door to door for a substantial profit, he will be more than happy to join in on this deal.
In this e-mail, RAW's mysterious manager wants Michael Cole to read his messages like a man. As of this writing, Michael Cole is working part-time at an apprenticeship to become a real man. In my opinion, I highly doubt that working part-time will do the trick — unless he wants to be a part-time man.
The RAW General Manager and Vince McMahon are getting closer by the day. Whenever Vince McMahon sees Michael Cole reading an e-mail from the mystery manager, Vince says, "Is that the manager? Did the GM say anything about me?" In turn, the RAW General Manager is very interested in Vince's likes and dislikes and wants to make him a mixtape. Linda is jealous of their blooming relationship.
In the game of life, you either win or lose. In the game of dressing up in a formal manner while employed by WWE, you either win or lose, too. Why? The RAW General Manager does not accept ties. Michael Cole better take notes and start showing some upper chest.
Michael Cole and the RAW GM's exciting adventures through time have provided them with many lasting memories. Yet, for every action in time is met with an equal and opposite reaction. They are messing with the time-e-mail-message continuum. They must face the consequences. Their future e-mails are in danger.
World Wrestling Entertainment's decision to continue with the RAW Guest Host idea sits well with the mystery GM. Celebrities condescendingly interacting with wrestling and the wrestling audience has been a staple of the industry for the longest time. Why mess with tradition?
One day, the RAW General Manager shall emerge from the shadows, generally managing from locations with increasingly better light sources. On that day, we shall see his or her face and rejoice. Michael Cole believes he is talking to Batman. I see no reason why Batman is not the RAW General Manager. He has nothing better to do.
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