Wrestling with "Wrestling with Confessions"

Forgive me, Father of Wrestling Confessions, for I have returned. I have not spoken to you in quite a while. I consider myself to be a man of faith, but I do not care for confession booths. Whenever I enter one to tell you my deepest, darkest, wrestling-related secrets, I know what you're doing. I can hear you unwrapping your block of cheese. Don't bother trying to grate that stuff against the screen because I won't be returning the flakes to you. Please grate your fresh parmesan on your own time, Father.

The weight of these secrets have burdened me long enough. Everywhere I go, wrestling fans ask me about my true thoughts and feelings about the industry. While I am more than willing to divulge some of those thoughts and feelings on this site, I am keeping many for a future tell-all book entitled, "Ending Sentences I Began During Conversations with Wrestling Fans." The book will feature nothing but the last few words to incomplete sentences uttered years ago about professional wrestling. Because I don't remember which fan asked me what question, I will simply direct the answer to a detailed, physical description of a person. Based on my excellent, long-term memory, those descriptions are likely contain the phrase "person with human features."

Once you hear these secrets, you may not see me in the same positive light ever again. In your eyes, one secret could make me a saint, while another could turn me into a saintlier saint. In the case of readers who come across these confessions, I hope they do not think less of the real me. Despite my squeaky-clean reputation, I am far from perfect. Now and again, I am bound to make mistakes. For example, imagine my surprise when my weekly javelin practice in the Gulf Coast went awry. My hover yacht, from where I threw my javelins, was moving all over the place.

I urge you, Father of Confessions, to show me how to absolve my sins. Last time, I cleansed myself of wrongdoing by taking a shower in water rather than liquid gold. Although I still felt dirty for taking a regular person's shower, my conscience was clear. As you quietly unwrap your block of cheese on the other side of this confession booth, please work your magic once more.


1) Ever since Carlito's release from World Wrestling Entertainment, I have been inconsolable. In protest, I have gathered a large group of supporters who shall continue to have a slight dislike for apples. Outsiders will say, "Hey, supporters. Do any of you guys want to eat some delicious apples?" In response, we will say, "No, not really. We're tired of hiding from all of these doctors."

2) I know the mystery man behind TNA's "Ace Card" attacks on Shannon Moore and Jesse Neal. Even though Orlando Jordan was the first to use a playing card (The Wild Card) on his opponent, he is not responsible. If you want to know the man's true identity, look inside every wrestler's standard deck of playing cards — which he receives upon signing with TNA. If an Ace of Spades is missing, somebody is in trouble.

3) The other day, I entered a Fatal Four-Way with three beautiful ladies. To our dismay, nobody died or won a championship. In the end, we found ourselves sexing with each other. What was the point?

4) As a guidance counsellor for impressionable teens, young men and women often come to me for advice. Whenever they ask me how to French kiss their significant other, I get nervous and tell them to watch Maryse. To this day, I indirectly responsible for concussing three-quarters of the teenage population in my area.

5) I first taught female wrestlers the back handspring as a fun and flashy way to deliver the sandwiches they made to male wrestlers. Today, those females are ending the move with an elbow and nobody is getting sandwiches. My work was for nothing.

6) As a young boy, I thought that the sunset flip involved the moon leaping over a bent sun and putting it in a pinning predicament. With no referee present, the sun would kick out at around 6 A.M. I was a tender, innocent, seventeen-year-old child.

7) Rumours of an Extreme Championship Wrestling storyline in TNA could very well fulfill an impossible dream of mine. One day, broken-down, middle-aged men will have heated arguments at a theme park. On that day, my life will be complete.\

8) I have tried to grant citizenship to foreign objects, but they are unwilling to get married to objects born in this country.

9) John Cena and Batista's I Quit Match at Over The Limit has inspired me to take on my nemesis in an I Quilt Match. The first man who admits his love for stitching squares of fabric together to make colourful blankets will be the loser (or the winner, depending upon your opinion of public quilting).

10) After his successful run of imitating "The Macho Man" Randy Savage, I'm glad that Jay Lethal finally gets to be himself — an imitation of "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair.

11) The unforgiving steel cage is giving me the silent treatment. I have apologized to the cage numerous times for leaving it for a more understanding cage, but it will not return my calls. Also, every time I see the unforgiving steel cage around town, it shows off by grinding on top of a wrestling ring.

12) I heard that Rey Mysterio was only able to conceive his three children with his wife draped over the middle rope. Mr. and Mrs. Mysterio tried to conceive a fourth child, but his wife was out of position by the time they were ready.

13) Due to Percy Watson's sudden popularity, I am afraid that I must humble him by stifling his rise to the top of the wrestling world. In the next few weeks, watch out for the debut of faraway eye charts.

14) Last Monday, I like to think that Ted DiBiase took the hundred-dollar bill from Virgil's mouth because he mistook him for a big chain bank. In turn, I think average, middle-class people are doing a disservice to their savings by not holding them in Virgil's mouth. I assume his mouth has a low interest rate.

15) Although I do not have the authoritative power to fire WWE Superstars, I convinced the promotion to fire Daniel Bryan. Despite his years of experience and superior wrestling skills, I could really use a new Coldplay album right now.

16) When the Acolyte Protection Agency ran their Always Pounding Ass Bar & Grill, I refused to visit. I did not want to witness Bradshaw and Faarooq have butt relations with a restaurant. Butt relations are not sanitary.

17) I am not afraid of Kane. In fact, I feel sorry for him. Unlike other Big Red Machines, he wears one, coloured contact lens. Maybe he shouldn't have spent all of his money on one fancy, coloured contact lens. With his salary, he could have bought himself a decent pair of regulars. You cannot reason with him.

18) Hulk Hogan's Hall of Fame ring gives aspiring stars the power and confidence needed to excel in the wrestling business. After conducting a survey with wrestling fans, I have concluded that Hulk Hogan's Hall of Fame ring gives them the power and confidence needed to see what else is on Thursday-night television.

19) I wonder why former abductees who are featured in the news don't act like Samoa Joe and randomly interfere in wrestling matches. If I was a child who was recently abducted, I would want nothing more than to randomly interfere in wrestling matches. Forget about getting justice against my abductors. I’m hankering to mess people up in the Impact Zone.

20) I planned the NXT Rookies' assault on Bret Hart. With that said, I never instructed them to shove him into a limousine, then have the driver violently reverse the limousine into other cars. I just told them to open up his shirt without asking him. Calgarians loathe buttoning up their shirts. If they have to do it twice, forget about it.