The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 18th

Carlito vs. Prune Juice

I spit in the face of people who don't want to be regular
You know what regular is?
I'm not talking about types of gasoline for your motorized vehicle here
Nothing beats being regular

Get your prune on
You better be drinking
When you're regular
You can go when you want
You can go all you want
You better be regular
Regular like me

Ricardo
Romanian
Regular

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

Justin Shapiro is Justinterviewerved.

AND

I award myself 5 Schrute bucks for being so tremendous. You have been deducted 50 Schrute bucks for being you.

The Motion Pictured - Nacho Libre: Part 2

Jack Black dons the role of flying fat man in Paramount Pictures' Nacho Libre. This film has been rated PG for violence, crude content, and unavoidable presence of orphans. Lastly, Nacho Libre is not recommended for young children due to their bias for mixed martial arts.

xvi) Friar Nacho and the Childrenseses
Nacho shows Chanco, Salad Lovin' Kid, and rest of the No Parents Brigade around the city. He points to a chipmunk nest, some delicious corn, the place where he gets old tortilla chips for the orphans, and a crazy lady (Super Crazy's crazy old crazy mother -- Guadalupe Crazy).

From afar, the group notices a large man in black, Ramses, Zaius IV, and Zaius V exit from a Costco, most likely. Salad Lovin' Kid says Ramses is the best; Chanco disagrees. Nacho walks toward Ramses and asks for an autograph and a picture for the orphans. Ramses turns around and ignores him. Nacho gets his attention once more, but this angers Ramses and he shoves Nacho into a cart of watermelons. One of my favourite moments in wrestling is the time Shawn Michaels won the WWE Title from Bret Hart at the 1997 Survivor Series Event in Montreal. Bret was mad at Vince, so he ate a watermelon. What's so great about this? Bret had Vince's favourite watermelon. When Bret was done, he spit the watermelon seeds in Vince's face. Good wrestling is good wrestling is good wrestling.

xvii) Dressing Up for Ramses' Party
Nacho and Steven put on extravagant white clothes. Sister Encarnación knocks on Nacho's door. Nacho opens the door slightly and converses with her. Encarnación asks Nacho where he has been. Nacho answers that he has been sleeping. Encarnación asks to come in, but Nacho insists that if she does, people will think she is a floozy. If you look up floozy in the dictionary, the dictionary will have sex with you. No joke.

xviii) In Ramses' Party, Partly
Nacho and Steven are prohibited from entering the shindig. To improvise, Nacho lifts Steven up and over a wall on the side of the building. Nacho asks to be lifted, but Steven says he is too fat. Nacho calculates in his mind if his percentage of body fat is appropriate for a man of his age and height. Next, a van parks in front of him holding the house band for the night. Nacho follows.

Inside the box social, Steven introduces himself as "Esqueleto the Luchador" to Ramses and his cowboy-hatted manager. Steven says that he and Nacho are ready to go pro. Ramses LOLs at the idea of fighting Esqueleto in the ring. The manager tells Steven that if he wishes to go pro and fight Ramses, he will have to win a battle royal that is taking place next week.

A large woman in a pink dress locks eyes with Steven from across the room. She is enamored with his large teeth and volumized hair. He leaves in discomfort.

xix) He's in the Band
The band appears before the party people. Nacho is playing an upright bass, but is not exactly playing it well. He softly sings along with the band, which brings great suspicion to the minds of Ramses and Manager of Ramses.

Meanwhile, Steven walks upstairs and is intrigued by a doll collection. He is startled by the sudden presence of the large woman, who has used a secret tunnel to quickly ascend to the second floor. In an attempt to seduce him, Steven runs away in disgust.

Back with the band, Nacho leads a song of his own. If the ditty was featuring Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy Kong Racing, it would go something like this:

I am a-singing at the party (uh huh)
I am singing, it's my turn to sing at the party (that's right)
Everybody is dancing happy at the party (Bad Boy Entertainment)
But Ramses is not dancing, he does not dance at the parties (2007, baby)
Ramses is #1, he knows the secrets to desire (hit that)
Ramses is the one, puts the people all on fire (heat it up, heat it up like marshmallows during summer camp)

Ramses responds to the song by spilling his wine over Nacho's white shirt. In the same area, Steven tries to escape the clutches of the large woman. Nacho hears Steven's girlish screams and attempts to nail the large woman over the head with his upright bass, but accidentally strikes Steven on the behind instead. Somewhere in the world, the Honky Tonk Man is mad at Jeff Jarrett who is mad at the botching of the move.

Nacho and Esqueleto leave the party, only to find out that a group of shady men have let out the air from Nacho's motorycle. One of the men points his switchblade in their direction. Esqueleto flings his corn on a stick at one of the henchmen. It penetrates the guy's eye. How come when I throw my corn at people, it just bounches right off of them? Am I using dent corn when I should be using sweet corn?

xx) The Next Morning
Still in their fancy clothes, Nacho returns to his wooden bungalow in anger. He expresses his dislike for Ramses. Esqueleto proposes that Nacho enter the battle royal so he can face Ramses one-on-one. Nacho bites back by saying that he is a friar first. He blames Steven for his lack of food-attainment for the orphans. Steven, sick of Nacho's talk, says he hates all the orphans in the whole world. They fight in a verbal and physical fashion before Nacho skips back to the orphanage.

xxi) Churchy Opportunities
Sister Encarnación cooks in the kitchen as Nacho enters. She asks him where he's been. Say, Encarnación, can't a man just go out and have fun at the spa for a while without having to explain why? It's called "Me Time", sister girl. Nacho confesses that he attended a lucha libre wrestling event. Sister Encarnación says Smackdown and ECW are coming to the Bell Centre on May 27 for the Wrestlemania Revenge Tour. See all your favourite superstars competing... including Shawn Michaels (injured), Mr. Kennedy (injured), The Undertaker (injured), and much, much more (sucky). Don't wait, get your tickets now.

In actuality, Encarnación tells Nacho that wrestling is a sin. She claims that wrestlers fight for false pride. As for me, I don't like to call it false pride; I say it's pride entertainment. At the same time, Encarnación insists to Nacho that wrestling is only right when you fight for something noble, or for something who needs help. Have any of you seen Jamie Noble on television lately? I think he needs all the help he can get, so we're covered.

xxii) Forgivenessing
Nacho asks God why he has given him a strong desire to wrestle, but has also made him a stinky warrior. Nacho works over ideas in his head as to why God has put him in this position. At the same time, a candle gets knocked over and sets his cloak on fire.

Nacho runs out of the church to stop, drop, and roll. When he regains his composure, he stands up in front of Sister Encarnación, his fellow friars, and the orphans, only to find out that the fire has burnt half of his cloak to nothing. With his stretchy pants revealed, he reveals that he is "Nacho the Luchadore". Chancho is happy, Salad Lovin' Kid is thinking 'bout salad, and Sister Encarnación is disappointed.

Shunned by the authoritative figures, Nacho promises that he will have God by his side as he will compete in the battle royal and win 10,000 pesos for the orphans. Man, it seems as though Salad Lovin' Kid needs a lot of salad. Addicted to thousand island, much? Oh, Nacho wants to buy a bus to take the children on field trips. I'm sure Salad Lovin' Kid will want to travel to the forest, just to strip the bark of all leafy greens.

Nacho leaves with his head hung low, then high. He puts on his mask and walks out of the shot.

xxiii) The Battle Royal(e)
The royal battle is about to begin. Your participants are:

- It's The Human Tornaaado as "El Snowflake"
WT. 185 lbs.
HT. 5'11''

Signature Move:
The Inverted Tope Reversal

- El Chino
WT. 155 lbs.
HT. 5'8''

Signature Move:
Cobra Strikes

- Carlos Rosales
WT. 162 lbs.
HT. 5'9''

Signature Move:
Chair Strikes

- Dynasty
WT. 200 lbs.
HT. 6'1''

Signature Move:
The Locust

- Muneco
WT. 200 lbs.
HT. 5'0''

Signature Move:
El Suastica Submission

- Silencio (the man in black from Ramses' Crew)
WT. 306 lbs.
HT. 6'7''

Signature Move:
Throwing People (If he can have throwing people, my signature move is "wrestling towards you".)

- Esqueleto
WT. 115 lbs.
HT. 6'2''

Signature Move:
Standing Kick

- Nacho
WT. 208 lbs.
HT. 5'5''

Signature Move:
El Cangrejo Submission

Highlights of the Battle Royal:
-Rosales hits people with chairs Lance Storm style
- Nacho squeezes Dynasty's nipple. He says, "nipple squeeze" while he does so. In this instance, I bet this is how Stephanie wooed Triple H.
- In the corner, El Snowflake dances and kicks Muneco in his Minicos.
- El Chino eliminates El Snowflake with Sweet Chino Music.
- Nacho rolls through and monkey flips Dynasty out of the ring.
- Silencio spins Esqueleto and El Chino, disposing them from the ring.
- Silencio with the Tombstone! The Tombstone! Pepperoni and cheese! Freezer aisle! Nacho is eliminated, I suppose.

xxiv) The Green Mile
Still wearing his tights, Nacho walks in sadness through the halls of the orphanage as the others observe him in silence. He arrives in his room to gather his belongings. He announces, "You can't win 'em all," and leaves in a huff. Chancho runs after Nacho and asks where he is going. Nacho says that he is going to the wilderness to die. Chancho gives him his mother's lucky machete. Oh, that's where that thing was. Nacho wishes Chanco all the best as he departs.

xxv) The Wild Nacho
Nacho walks along the mountain range and watches a bird screech and fly overhead. He throws an object at the bird in anger.

He arrives at a cactus and slices it open, eating and drinking the contents inside. Finally, he poorly builds a home of twigs to sleep in for the night.

In the morning, Steven appears riding Nacho's cool motorcycle of greatness. He tries to walk away, but Steven catches up to him along the mountainside. Steven was able to find him due to the fact that Nacho's home in the wilderness is about two inches away from the village. Steven explains that Silencio will not be able to face Ramses due to an injury (bruised bunyons, which Steven gave to him when he ran over Silencio's foot with Nacho's motorcycle). Steven insists that Nacho should fight for the orphans, for he does not hate them anymore. He presents Nacho his mask; Nacho nods his head in super agreeance.

xxvi) Letter
Steven knocks on Encarnación's door and hands her a letter, supposedly written by Nacho:

"Dear Sister,

I know you probably hate my guts by now, and already believe that I must have died long ago in the wilderness. But you are wrong. I am still alive. Tonight I will be fighting the greatest wrestler who ever lived, the great Ramses. I know you don't like wrestling. But know that I am leaving all my monies to the orphans and if I die in the ring, Know that I always loved you... as a brother in God." -Ignacio

P.S.- If we didn't end up taking our vows of celibacy, we could maybe get married and have a family with some niños. But, you know. Whatever.

ooxxooXoXXx

xxvii) The Preparation of Ramses
Backstage in some arena, Ramses gets ready for his match-up with Nacho. An assistant secures the mask over Ramses' face. Two assistants rub oil on Ramses' chest and back to make him shiny like what. While he is getting a deep tissue massage, one of the assistants assures Ramses of his superiority:

Ramses is the number one
His legs are number one
His eyes are number one
His muscles are number one

You know, if Silver King told Eric Bischoff this in WCW, he would've been chosen to end Goldberg's streak. Finally, Ramses puts on some lip balm, because the conditions in the ring are frigid and do not act kindly to sensitive skin.

xxviii) The Preparation of Nacho
Nacho tells his manager Steven that he wrote a song for Sister Encarnación during his stay in the wild wilderness:

When the fantasy has ended
And all the children are gone
Something good inside me
Helps me to carry on

I ate some bugs
I ate some grass
I used my hand
To wipe my tears

To kiss her mouth, I'll break my vow
No, no, no, no, no, no way Jose
Unless you want to, then we'll break our vows together

Encarnación (x4)

With this amazing act of physical preparation, the match is right about now the funk's soul brother.

xxix) Nacho vs. Ramses
Nacho enters with a look of nervous fright on his mask. Ramses enters in elaborate fashion with pyro, a woman on each arm, and a title around his waist. The entranceway is shaped like his mask, so he enters from the mouth, which is a nice touch because it looks as though Giant Ramses is throwing up a smaller version of Ramses.

In a surprising move, Steven, who had always believed in science rather than God, prays with Nacho before the battle. The stare down between Nacho and Ramses is stare-o-licious. Nacho asks for a high five, but Ramses smacks his hand away. Just for that, I'm taking off a star rating for every future match of yours, Ramses.

The timekeeper blows his whistle to start the match. Is there a more unimpressive way to start a match than blowing a whistle? If I were to open up a fortune cookie to signal the start of a wrestling match, would that be awesome, or not so awesome to you?

After the tie-up, Ramses picks up and throws Nacho down to the mat. Nacho counters with a hammerlock and accompanying headlock. Ramses snapmares Nacho over himself. The rarely seen test of strength follows, resulting in the more common tie-up, capped off by the prevalent vertical suplex.

Ramses runs his head into Nacho's gut and spins him adequately in the fireman's carry position. FU! The Mark Henry and the Chocolate Fountain Splash! The pin gets a two. Ramses sets Nacho up for a powerbomb, but Nacho drops down to the mat. He goes through Ramses legs and mule kicks him in the buttesque vicinity. Nacho celebrates by eating a watermelon. Relax, it's not Bret's melon.

Angered by the chants for Nacho, Ramses runs at Nacho in the corner and slams his opponent's face into the watermelon slice. Sure, it's not Bret's melon, but man is Bret going to be furious at Ramses for his complete lack of respect for delicious fruits. Ramses stomps Nacho and punches Steven off the apron. Riding Nacho's back, he unmasks him in front of the entire audience. Nacho fights out of a groin and leg submission and gives Ramses a wedgie. In premature celebration, Nacho dances around the ring, only to be dropkicked into the turnbuckles. Against the ropes, Ramses attacks him with punches and elbows before choking him with his boot on the mat.

As the situation appears dire, Nacho notices the arrival of Sister Encarnación and the masked orphans. Nacho gains a second wind and it's the Supa Cena Comeback of Lovely Hopes and Dreams. He monkeyflips the golden one out of the ring and takes to the top turnbuckle. Spreading his arms out like an eagle, Nacho prepares to launch himself at Ramses. As Nacho's opponent tries to flee through the sold-out crowd, Nacho flies through the air and lands on top of Ramses to the crowd's delight. In the greatest scene of the entire bout, Nacho sets up Ramses for a majistral cradle with a ridiculous hand signal and stance. The referee counts the pin out of the ring, which is absurd, but I don't mind it. Although, if you, Workaholic Wesley, are sitting in your little cubicle prison right now, fuming at the thought of a referee inaccurately counting a pin in a comedy like Nacho Libre, what is your frequency, Kenneth? You could say this film is a bad wrestling movie, but it's not a wrestling movie. It's a movie that uses wrestling as a backdrop to a bigger story. Now, Ready to Rumble is a wrestling movie. Do with that what you will.

Nacho celebrates his victory inside the ring, jumping and kicking his way to happiness.

xxx) The Magic Orphan Bus
Nacho, wearing a teal cloak to match his wrestling attire, drives his newly purchased bus of swankiness to a local temple. Sister Encarnación, Steven, and the orphans are sitting in the bus with treats. Nacho shares a loving stare with Encarnación. They so did it. They so ate toast again and talked about life.

Nacho and gang walk up to the pinnacle of the temple, overlooking the city. Sister Encarnación gives Nacho the thumbs up; Nacho smiles back at her. End.

The Verdict: I give this movie three blackjacks out of a possible five Jack Blacks.

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 17th

WWE Title Match
John Cena vs. A Box

Errr.... corrugated

Here comes cardboard
There's some cardboard
Here comes cardboard
Lots of cardboard

This box is up, its side is down
You can't flip it, its side is down
Belongings all up in it, boy its fragile now
You can't flip it, its side is down

In case you forgot it's meant for storage, so put your stuff away
Like Khali's coat, winter boots, and winter Escalade
The essentials tucked in this to win this
You hear that duct tape stretchin' over flaps cause he's finished
A packer, he'll forever be organizin'
If there's space left over, it'll be surprisin'
Ain't no way you'll tear it apart, it's durable now
Khali enforced the outside with a second box around
He'll be moving on up to be champ, that is no question
Cena tried to get make a box once, but couldn't get it erected
It had no support, it flopped all over the place
Like a helping of J-E-L-L-O on a convex plate
With containers, Khali's no stranger, he keeps his name tag at home
While Cena waits on hold on the box helpline phone
If you hate, don't be hatin', Khali's not commisteratin'
At least that's what I was hearing, I never know what he's sayin'

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

Ramses is not dancing. He does not dance at the parties.

AND

This bran extension is over. It's time to mix my cereal with my baked goods, players.

The Motion Pictured - Nacho Libre: Part 1

Jack Black dons the role of professional wrestler in Paramount Pictures' Nacho Libre. This film has been rated PG for violence, crude content, and coarse usage of corn on a stick. Lastly, Nacho Libre is not recommended for young children due to their lack of understanding about nachos and libraries.

Cast of Characters:

Jack Black - Ignacio (Nacho)
Héctor Jiménez - Steven/Esqueleto (Steven/Skeleton)
Ana de la Reguera - Sister Encarnación (En-car-na-ci-ó-ó-ón)
Cesar Gonzalez (Silver King) - Ramses (Golden King)
Darius Rose - Chancho (Joanie Loves Chancho)

i) The Opening
In the title sequence, a portly Young Ignacio gathers the following to create a makeshift wrestling outfit:

1) a burlap sack to construct a wrestling cape
2) a knitted tablecloth to add frills to his wrestling cape
3) a rose from a tombstone to decorate his cape with petals
4) a rosary necklace to spell Nacho on his cape
5) a mask, appearing out of nowhere over his head to keep his skull in place

With the costume on his person, Young Nacho attacks graveyard statues with punches and slaps before taking a quick nap on top of someone's burial site. Suddenly, friars rush in and untie Young Nacho's cape from his neck, hastily taking him away from the graveyard. To cleanse him of the sinful act of wrestling, Nacho is washed with a garden hose, beaten with pillow cases, and robbed of his mask, finally forced to toil as a cook in the orphanage's kitchen, where he has lived most of his orphan life. Acting out in frustration, he drops an elbow on a bowl full of tortilla chips. In response, the chips execute a hurancanrana on Young Nacho. If you do not believe plain chips can pull off hurancanranas, you are correct. Only Cool Ranch can be efficient with such maneuvers.

ii) Meal Appeal
Many years later, Nacho still cooks in the kitchen, making vomit-coloured gruel for the orphans. One hungry boy, unhappy with his dull meal, asks Nacho why he cannot make scrumptuous meals like a salad. Nacho assures the boy that the gruel before him is actually delicious, but gags and spits on the spoonful when he tries to eat it. Suddenly, Tommy Dreamer from the year 2002 appears in the scene, eats the gruel, the spoon, the young boy, and the bowl that housed the gruel on a dare. In the end, he is still not popular with anybody anywhere.

iii) Hanging Out with Sis

Nacho knocks on the door of Sister Encarnación, the beautiful new teacher at the orphanage. He shoves a plate of toast under the door. He asks her to eat toast with him; she reluctantly agrees, neglecting the time of day the request was processed (late at night). The two converse about their lives. Encarnación tells Nacho she enjoys the colour tan and volleyball. Oddly enough, Nacho enjoys the exact same things. I bet this was how Triple H wooed Stephanie.

Nacho expresses his frustration as a cook, unable to make the amazing food he is capable of cooking because of the limited funding provided by the Justice League of Friars. He recalls to her of the arrival of Ramses into town, a famous masked luchador whose arrival is met with great excitement by all. Nacho wishes for the same kind of respect. I've never seen Silver King (as Ramses) wear such a nifty suit. His mask is part of the suit as well, and, therefore, he is wearing a four-piece suit. If this is a case of WCW cruiserweight one-upmanship, El Dandy is down 36-33.

iv) Ignacio Gets to Steppin'

In reaction to the fellow friars' continual mistreatment of him, Nacho leaves the orphanage and says to Chancho, a boy reminiscent of Young Nacho way back when, the following words: "I will have my glory in the hot sun." BikerNacho leaves the orphanage in a swank motorized bicycle. There goes the Mexican Badass, hopefully not endorsed by Limp Bizkit.

v) Tag Team Recruitment
Nacho sneaks through town to find the man who previously stole a bag of tortilla chips which was originally intended for the orphans' consumption. He sets a trap by sprinkling a handful of chips in the alleyway. At this moment, I'm almost positive this is how Triple H lured Stephanie during their courtship. A lanky, desheveled man (Steven) appears from a ledge and devours the chips with a fury of chomping and swallowing. Nacho slowly creeps behind him, then passes gas before pouncing on him. If an independent wrestler out there will adopt passing gas as the set-up to their finisher (jumping on a dude), I promise to build you a mid-toot statue that will sit proudly for all days in my city. The struggle between Nacho and Steven is rough, but eventually, the fight is settled when Steven escapes and runs away. Nacho asks Steven to become his tag team partner, but Steve refuses and writes him off as crazy. To entice him, Nacho tells him they will receive 200 pesos if they are victorious in their match. In turn, Steven agrees. Hey reader, will you be my tag team partner for tonight's match? If we win, we get 5,000,000 rupees.

vi) Training Session
Nacho returns to the orphanage in a stealthy manner. From the exterior of the building, he asks Chancho to borrow some sweats. He is given a pair of grey sweatpants and a matching sweatshirt that is five sizes too small. All of my clothes are five sizes too small because I brush my teeth twice a day with steroids.

Nacho and Steven take to the fields of Mexico to train for their debut match. Steven uses two trees and a stretchy fabric to create a gigantic slingshot. He aims a cantaloupe at Nacho's chest and nails him with the fruit. Next, Nacho smears cow dung over Steven's face and eyes to disorient him before shooting him in the back with an arrow. Every time I watch ECW with high hopes, I feel as though metaphorical cow dung is being smeared all over my face as I am hit in the back with the harsh arrow of a bleak McMahonized reality. After the event, Steven ties a cape around Nacho's neck and watches him get gored by a bull. To counter Steven's challenge, Nacho throws a beehive at Steven while is picking flowers. Finally, they run in slow motion along the trail as Chancho watches from a cliff. Whose side is Chancho on?

vii) The Big Match
A Mexican Bruce Buffer appears from a tall building looming over the ring. He speaks into a megaphone to introduce the participants of the tag match. The star of the bout is a tall and skinny man with a creepy mustache. He throws his red robe to his lady fans and they scream with joy. His tag team partner is on the apron chilling next to him. Moments later, Nacho and Steven (now dubbed Esqueleto) are announced. Esqueleto's strategy is to prevent his opponents from attaining an adequate intake of calcium. If all goes well, by the conclusion of the match, they will not have healthy bones and teeth.

Nacho, in a mask made out of a dark stocking, encourages Steven to start the match. Esqueleto is manhandled by the salty-skinned mustache man. Nacho asks for the tag and he gets it. He ties up with Mustache's partner and surprisingly gains the upper hand. He drags him around the ring, stomps on his back, and executes The Anaconda Squeeze (suspended bearhug). After his opponent passes out, Nacho celebrates in triumph, only to get knocked out with a kick from the mustached one. Apparently, getting kicked like that equals a loss because Mustachio and Co. are immediately deemed victorious by the referee after the move. Tomorrow, I am going to dropkick everyone I see to beat Goldberg's streak.

Nacho and Esqueleto mend their wounds and argue amongst themselves about their disappointing performance. Before they physically get at each other's throats, the promoter walks into the locker room and hands them sweety sweet dollar dollar bills, y'all. They gettin' paaaaaaaaaaaaaid.

viii) Salad for All
Nacho returns as the orphanage cook with many a vegetable. He is able to make a plethora of delicious salad bowls for all orphans, priests, and one nun. He hands the dish to the boy who requested a salad for a future meal. The boy reacts with much delight at the reds and greens in front of him. Nacho walks up to Sister Encarnación at the faculty table with a enormous salad bowl. He pours an ocean of dressing on the salad, topping it off with crushed tortilla chips. He seductively blows the chips in her face. I'm not going to say that move is another sultry advance invented by Triple H to gain the adoration of a female, but I bet he probably used this with Chyna. That's all.

ix) Home Economics Time
Nacho and Steven gather supplies for their new luchadorian outfits. The items are as follows:

1) a large red velvet sheet from a coffin to construct his cape
2) a teal dinner tableclotch to create tights for the team
3) golden sofa tassles to create tassle-y trim for Nacho's cape
4) sand from an aquarium to decorate the cape/because sand feels good to the touch

Steven sews the costumes in a competent fashion. If a street urchin were to sew me a similar outfit, I would take him in as he were my own... street urchin.

Nacho puts on the tights in his room. He laces his bright red boots and cape. As he tries to put the mask over his face, Chancho observes Nacho from afar. Nacho notices him there and explains that sometimes men have to wear stretchy pants. The aforementioned is the most accurate claim about wrestling in the movie.

Other Accurate Claims About Professional Wrestling:

1) Steel chairs are made out of butter. When wrestlers take chair shots, they go "Mmmm!" before impact. On the odd occasion, a wrestler will hold up a piece of bread if he has it on him.
2) Counting a pin to three was originally meant to teach wrestling fans, who live life as dumb rednecks, how to count past one.
3) Squared circles are possible because mating a square with a circle isn't gaysauce.

x) The Second Fight
Bending the rules, Chancho changes the television channel in the orphan common area to wrestling. Nacho and Esqueleto wait in the ring for their opponents. They hear grumbles in the audience. As the sounds get louder, two little people in Dr. Zaius masks jump onto the apron. As the match begins, the two Zaiuses outwrestle Nacho with kicks, body splashes, elbows, and biting. Nacho hot tags Esqueleto, but he does not come back with clotheslines, which are mandatory according to the North American Code of Sports Entertainment. Esqueleto shoves Zaius IV out of the ring and throws Zaius V over the top rope, but the smaller team is resilient. Zaius IV returns with a 6-1-9 on Nacho. That's not a local call and you know it, man. The crowd throws Zaius V at Esqueleto, who flails around in a helpless mess, accidentally knocking Nacho off the top rope. Zaius IV executes a plancha onto Nacho and attacks him with punches on the outside. Nacho fights back by slapping Zaius IV in the face with a churro.

As Nacho returns to the ring, the Zaiuses attack Nacho and Esqueleto with a fantastic beating. Nacho and Esqueleto end up losing, but are still rewarded with much coin after the bout. The next day, they celebrate their lack of victories with a shopping spree. Steven adorns himself with snazzy clothes, eats corn on a stick, gets a pedicure, and poses for a charcoal portrait of himself. Nacho buys groceries and purchases a white and teal wardrobe of sexification, complete with white shoes.

xi) The Orphans Try This At Home
Chanco, wearing a mask and cape, airplane spins the Salad Lovin' Kid as the other orphans observe from a few feet away. Nacho walks past them and is slightly disturbed. Sister Encarnación intervenes and separates the two. Nacho tells the orphans that although piledriving your fellow man is fun, the Bible says not to wrestle your neighbour. If I were to wrestle the person four doors down from me, would they still be my neighbour? Cause... I did already. Chanco asks Nacho if he has ever wrestled. Nacho denies partaking in the activity.

Nacho admires that wrestlers gets all the fancy ladies, clothes, creams and lotions (in that order), but unconvincingly claims that he enjoys his days as a friar. Sister Encarnación admires his speech. He admires her nuniness.

xii) Nacho Fight
Steven helps Nacho impress Sister Encarnación. Nacho wishes to show Encarnación his immense strength, so Steven proposes a staged fight in the streets between Nacho and a crew led by Steven in which they would let Nacho win.

Nacho manages to bring Encarnación along for the fight, claiming that he wanted to walk in the streets to talk to two bums about the gospel (which I do all the time). As he waits for the group to arrive, he poses in his recreation clothes to show Encarnación his attractive, rotund physique.

A group of two men walk past Nacho. Mistaking them for the attackers, Nacho takes off his shirt and prepares to battle wihout a torso garment. Steven's gang appears late to the confrontation, just in time to witness Nacho get knocked out legit like what.

xiii) Do the Dodo
So far failing to be the great fighter he wishes to be, Nacho expresses his frustration to Steven by slapping corn from his hands, which results in a small scuffle. As Nacho calms down, Steven mentions to him that he may be able to attain the strength he desires by attaining a magic eagle egg. Magic eagle eggs are presented by WWE Films' The Condemned starring Stone Cold Steve Austin, in half of a theatre now, and Skittles.

Nacho and Steven appear in a boat with a unkempt gypsy, who instructs Nacho that he must find an eagle egg and eat the yolk within to become a great fighter. Nacho leaves the boat and climbs up a steep rocky mountain to the large eagle's nest not far from the peak. He grabs an egg, knocks it with a rock, then consumes its contents. Triple H did this after his quad injury in 2002 to the music of U2's Beautiful Day. I already know what happens.

xiv) Eagle Powers
In their next tag match, Nacho summons his eagle powers, only to be schooled once more in the art of eagling. Esqueleto does not receive any powers from osmosis and is equally beaten to a considerable mush. In a match montage, they are stretched, slapped, and knocked out by their adversaries. Ramses watches with great delight at their misfortunes.

xv) Malnutrition
The eagle egg proves to add nothing to Nacho's arsenal. The team receives their pay as Nacho and Steve talk about a way to learn success from Ramses, the best wrestler in the whole world of WCW and this movie.

After the match, they leave the arena and notice Ramses and his manager talking about utilizing Febreze to make Ramses' mask smell like the morning dew of a meadow filled with playful bunnies. Nacho tells Steven that they need to convince Ramses' manager that they mean business before they can summon the help of Ramses. Why is Silver King so hard to summon nowadays? WCW guys used to say, "Hey, that king who is silver over there -- get over here," and he would show up lickety split. The times have changed, my brethren. Earth is Mars, up is down, Jarrett is cheered, Vince is champ, and Cade and Murdoch are entertaining. This is a scary planet.

TO BE CONTINUED

Playin' the Feud: Super Santino World

I surveyed 100 whom enjoy complimentary garlic bread:


*****

NEXT WEEK

I dragon suplex a dragon.

AND

On May 21, get a prostate exam at The Swerved and receive a free prostate of equal or lesser value.

The Swerved Recordings: The Great Khali

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. The Doors. Paul Wall. Throughout the years, geniuses of music have shown the world the limitless potential of song. Their ditties are known classics, yet they have relevance in the modern world as well. The impact these individuals have had on our culture has been nothing but monumental. Their music makes us think, makes us laugh, makes us cry, and makes us pee sometimes with excitement. It's safe to say they will forever be etched into the history of our time. Simply put, they are the greats.

This summer, The Great Khali joins the other greats with his first hip-hop/gangster jazz/death bluegrass album. When he first debuted for World Wrestling Entertainment, he took Smackdown by storm. He yelled a whole bunch, stood next to Daivari, and gently touched his hand against the Undertaker's face to suggest a punch while confined inside of a cage made of wooden pick-up sticks. About a day or so after that, he entered Extreme Championship Wrestling to combat the titanic forces of Nunzio and spiky-mohawked Shannon Moore. Currently, the superstars of RAW must deal with the wrath of the giant from the Punjab Jungle. How will they survive? Well, he has a weakness. You see, there's only one thing Khali admires more than defeating adversaries with one-half of a move in a five second bout -- crackers.


The Great Kahli's Khali Want A Cracker

1. Gotsta Git Salty
2. Cracker Soft
3. Cracker Too Hard
4. Saltine Slam (ft. Toucan Slam)
5. Biskick to the Face
6. What's Soup?
7. Lgjshfoiehflahjdhl Part 1
8. Any Which Wafer But Soggy
9. Daivari Calls It A Cookie (That's Why He Doesn't Manage Me Anymore)
10. Gotsta Git Salty (Punjab of Flavour Remix)
11. Lgjshfoiehflahjdjl Part 2
12. Cracker Just Right
13. Is John Cena's Belt Made of Shiny Crackers? (If So, I'll Be Taking It Then)
14. WWE Super-Oy-Star
Although Khali loves nothing more than to display his unfaltering strength every Monday night, the light crispiness of a salted cracker tugs at his tastebuds. He may be larger than life itself, but he is reduced to mere inches in comparison to the delectable flavour explosion of a plain and toasted biscuit of dough. There's no doubt about it -- he loves crackers; he wants you to love it too. If music be the food of love, Khali is ready to croon a smorgasbord of crackling deliciousness into your CD and or MP3 and or old-timey gramophone music player post haste.

The critics are unanimous. Khali Want A Cracker is the best album yet. If you don't agree, you are most likely a neanderthal who tree slams infants. Also, possibly you have a stupid preference for bread and bready only:

"I pictured him as more of a toaster strudel enthusiast. Still good, though." - WWE Champion John Cena

"We have to shut down our factories due to his immense obsession for crackers. One of our workers was holding a cracker recently. Khali barged into the facility, ate the cracker in the man's hand, then ate the man's hand before eating the man entirely. He was 26 years young."
- The Nabisco Corporation

"He's a monster... of talent."
- WWE Hall of Famer Jerry "The King" Lawler

"It's The Great Khali. It's crackers. My life is complete."
- Vince McMahon

"Look at The Great Khali. He's big. He just did a horrible looking move right there, but don't pay attention to that. Oh, that other move was bowling shoe ugly in a ugly tenth lane of Ugbowlerama, but please look away. He's pretty huge. Focus on the largeness. Large. Ness. Big."
- RAW Head Announcer Jim "Skittle Braü" Ross

"The most articulate album you'll ever listen to in 2007"
- Umaga
This summer, The Great Khali puts it on the Ritz. A little birdie told me that this album was actually ill-conceived and a black-eye on the music industry. It also claimed that Khali was the worst musician ever, in addition to the crappiest wrestler in WWE today. It turns out that bird has recently died of natural causes via some sort of freak accident involving the bird's face and a large, pointy rock owned by me. Unfortunately, he did not have life insurance, so his family will not receive Grievance Crackers. Alas, this is what fate will get you when you don't go out, purchase, and adore this album.

The Swerved Recordings
The Great Khali - Khali Want A Cracker
In stores when he feels like it.

*****

This WWEek in WWE Khalis of the WWEek

Q: Did you know that The Great Khali, the RAW giant currently dominating Monday nights, is actually a gigantic robot controlled by a group of about 1,000 WWE employees?

A: Sure.

Playing' the Feud: DUB-DUB-E

I surveyed 100 surveyors:

*****

NEXT WEEK

Undertaker is injured, but I thought you couldn't get injured when you're an undead zombie guy thing. Life doesn't make sense anymore.

AND

I'm gonna make like a banana... and encase myself in a protective peel until I ripen.

Vince McMahon is Extreme

Vince McMahon and his Incredible Do-rag of Wonder © captured the ECW World Title at Backlash. The WWE Chairman, who was recently embarrassed by Donald Trump and Bobby Lashley at Wrestlemania 23, showed the world that wearing different cranial accessories can lead one to professional and personal redemption and success. Surely, Donald Trump could be heard weeping uncontrollably from his ivory tower, adorned with gold and Domino's Pizza, after his viewing of the Vince McMahon victory.

Now, the elder McMahon, a former WWF World Champion, must venture in the uncharted world of extreme. While he may talk the talk, and possibly walk the walk, he has never talked and walked under extreme rules. What will he do when he doesn't have the Samoa Bulldozer by his side to help him win and scream gibberish? Who will he turn to when his out-of-shape son Shane is not there to overpower stronger and more athletic opponents in an absurd and unbelievable way? Vince must adopt an arsenal that matches up to the skills of the Van Dams and the Sabus of the world if he wants to dominate Tuesday nights.

So, how can Vince McMahon keep his precious ECW World Championship? These are some suggestions.

Suggestion Un: Build a bomb shelter underground. Upon it's completion, Vince should strike his opponent(s) with the bomb shelter.

Suggestion Deux: The night before Bobby Lashley challenges for the ECW World Title, Vince should sneak into Bobby's hotel room with some supplies. Once he gains entrance into the room, he'll place a lump of shaving cream in Bobby's right hand, then dip Bobby's other hand in a bowl of warm water. When Vince finds a feather, he should tickle Bobby in the face with it. Next, just as Bobby is about to wake up from slumber, Vince should throw him out the window.

Suggestion Threeve: Replace all metal chairs under the ECW ring with inflatable chairs.

Suggestion Cuatro: Vince will undress and adorn all strands of body hair with Elijah Burke's beads. In his next title match, Vince should shed his clothes and spin around his opponent really fast. The impact of the beads against the opponent's head and torso should incapacitate the challenger for the pinfall.

Suggestion Fifthly: Vince should gather the ECW locker room around him, then offer them food. As the extreme wrestlers and personalities devour delicious cakes, cookies, and pies, Vince should take his ECW title and jump in a deep pool. Because their stomachs will be full, the ECW wrestlers will have to wait at least one hour until they can join him. This will allow Vince to bide some time to escape.

Suggestion Sicksth: Fall from a high place into some cushions. It works for Shane.

Suggestion Number Sleven: Lose muscle, gain fat. Wear a grimy hat and carry around a large cell phone. If Vince can grow a ponytail on his head or a backstage pass around his neck, he'll will gain the trust of every ECW alumni and mid-90's fan in the entire world.

Suggestion Ate: Begin to wear American flag pants, then gradually switch to Connecticut flag pants. ECW doesn't even know what a Connecticut is or does.

Suggestion Nein: Knit a wool sweater and bring it to the next title match. As Vince and his adversary are about to lock up, Vince should make his opponent wear the sweater. If the plan is executed correctly, the sweater will be very itchy and the opponent will want to scratch himself a lot. This process should secure Vince the win. Have you ever tried to wrestle a guy who was really itchy? Well, it's a blast as well as a guaranteed victory.

Suggestion Amount Before Eleven: Purchase a large quantity of TNT from the ACME store. Place the TNT in an abandoned cave, then attach it to a line that leads to a detonator. Next, Vince should dress up in drag and lure his opponent to the cave with flirtacious advances. When the title challenger takes the bait, Vince will try to explode the cave but fail. At this point, he should be looking at the camera, charred in black. He'll be carrying a sign that says "Ouch", then he'll throw it away to run after his opponent. Vince will ignite his rocket roller skates, then unsuccessfully follow his opponent off of a cliff. He'll be running in the air and he'll keep on running. Now, Vince will be so surprised, his eyes will bulge out several feet from his face. Standing in place, he'll quickly fall down to the ground below. A Vince-shaped hole will be seen on the desert ground. He will not win, but will keep his title on a DQ... if his opponent is the Roadrunner.

Suggestion XI: Wear a second do-rag.

Suggestion OneTwo: In a drastic move, Vince could have his shoulders surgically removed. Therefore, he can never be pinned. You can't get any more reasonable.

Suggestion the 13th: Challenge any wrestler on the RAW, Smackdown, and ECW roster to a Last Man Standing Title Match inside a tall locker. The bout will likely be called a draw.

Suggestion For Teenth: Vince could very well take the extreme route and go New Jack on ECW. He'll attain a cart of weapons to bring down to the ring. While his theme is playing, Vince will take out a fork, then shoot his opponent with a gun.

Suggestion Fifteenty: Vince will lure his opponent into the ring for a chance at the ECW World Championship. He'll challenge him to taste the difference between Coca-Cola Zero and the rival name brands. The opponent will be unable to notice a discrepancy. Vince will be victorious.

Suggestion Super Sweet Sixteen: Vince will flex at his adversary. Blinded by the gleam emanating from Vince's enormous muscles, the opponent will contract tuberculosis.

Suggestion Number Sleventeen: Vince will utilize his millions and millions of dollars to hire a team a scientists. They will develop a finishing move that will never result in a kick-out. The team will rack their brains and spend sleepless nights watching tapes from all decades of wrestling to come up with a maneuver to strengthen Vince McMahon's moveset. Upon completion of the project, Vince will announce to the WWE audience that he will unveil his new finisher in his next title defense. In the match involving former title holder Bobby Lashley, Bobby will try to execute the spear on a tired chairman; Vince will counter by slicing Bobby's legs off from the rest of his body. The project should be a success.

Suggestion Legal Adult: Vince will stack five tables on top of one another. He'll douse the tables with lighter fluid, then light a match to set them ablaze. Vince will signal for the powerbomb,though will run away instead. Afraid of being fired if he does not comply, the opponent will voluntarily powerbomb himself through the tables and pin himself to give Vince the win. Hey, a wrestler got kids to feed. Shoot.

Suggestion Neintene: Vince will challenge his opponent to eat more than one Lay's potato chip. Lay's BBQ flavour violates the Wellness Policy. There you go.

Suggestion Twentay: Vince will melt his ECW World Title down into the WWE Cruiserweight Title. By doing so, he'll never defend it.

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 16th

WWE Women's Title Match Match
Sanjaya (c) vs. Mickie James

Girl, he's always on TV
He got me so I cannot watch TV
Yeah, he's always on the news
He got WWE so he'll be Women's Champion

Yeah, he's always on the news
He got me so I prefer him to Melina's screaming
Oh yeah, he's always on the news
He got me so I will now sport a mohawk

There he is on TV
Melina's yelling at me
Can I take a bathroom break, please?

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****
NEXT WEEK

I'll try to keep it sexy, but I'm not guaranteeing anything.

AND

At Backlash, I will ride one of those cool entrance set hooks. It's going to be great.

Single White E-mails

In this installment of The Swerved: Special Edition, I comment on an article I typed sometime around October of the year 2005. What a unique time it was. Leaves were falling on the ground... and there was a pumpkin somewhere. The following piece was the first of an entire series entitled Single White E-mails. To this day, people wonder if the questions I answered came from actual fans. To set the record straight, these queries were from true wrestling enthusiastics. For instance, former fifty-thousand-time WWE Women's Champion Trish Stratus wrote a letter to me. Why would I lie about that?

*****
The Wrestling Professor is a lot like The Ultimate Warrior. For instance, he just recently changed his first name to "The Wrestling". Also, he wears neon tassels and runs a lot. Honestly, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I have no introduction.

(You don't have to be The Ultimate Warrior to own arm taseels. You don't even have to be The Ulimate Warrior to run a lot. At the end of the day, we can't always be Ultimate. Sometimes, we're lucky to be The Penultimate Water Boy.)

Although, I actually do.

You see, the world is a busy place. We are all busy in a way. What way is that exactly? When I mention that most of us have to inhale oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide on a consistent basis, you will understand why children today have to be raised by television and microwaves rather than their own parents. The Wrestling Professor is one of those select individuals with little time to spare. As a human being, he simply cannot reply to every single letter he receives. Therefore, I will try my hand at answering questions from the heralded mailbag, some even directed towards me. Due to this being a mailbag of the electronic variety, I feel slightly detached from the process. So, I took it upon myself to fill a potato sack with large pieces of confetti. I will be disappointed every time I try to grab a letter from the sack, but it's going to be quite the celebration when I do.

(When I win my first professional wrestling championship, I'm not going to celebrate with confetti raining down on me. It's too overdone. To the readers of this entry, please remind me to replace the confetti supply in the rafters with knives. My victory celebration will be superb.)

Anyway, here are your questions and my answers:

Lend Me Your Cheers

What is your favourite catchphrase? -Jonathan Velasquez of Portland, Oregon

S: One of the most profitable wrestling catchphrases that I've heard recently would have to be the "What time is it? It's Summer Time!" line said by Summer from the 2005 RAW Diva Search. I think summer is a wonderful time period and since I do not have a clock that can tell me which season it is, that young woman has helped me greatly; let it be known that I cannot thank her enough. I tried using Vader's catchphrase in a useful way, but I found it to be damn near impossible. "It's Time! It's Time! It's Vader Time!" does not play a part in my daily routine as I do not know what time "Vader Time" actually is. Is Vader Time relegated to a certain time zone and/or hemisphere? Could it be a time different from the top of the hour? Is it half past Vader now and if so, what time is that really? There are just too many confusing questions that go along with Vader Time as opposed to Summer Time. Now, if you're talking about PRIME TIME BABY, that's entirely different. If you don't know when PRIME TIME BABY is, I suggest you go back to school to obtain your SED (Skipper Equivalency Diploma).

(If I ran a wrestling company, Elix Skipper would be my top star. Just as Triple H had Evolution, Skipper would have a stable named Elixir. He would be the leader, Prince Iuakea would be the grizzled veteran, and Disorderly Conduct would still lose every match ever.)

No Stratusfaction

"I'm such a great fan of your sexy, sexy work. You're the greatest person ever. You should be the WWE World AND Women's Champion of writing. I can't tell you how much I love what you do. Maybe we should get together some time to talk about how great you are. You know, why don't we get ourselves a hotel room and have a little fun? You can (expletive) my nice (expletive) as I (expletive) your hot (expletive). As we (expletive) all day in that (expletive), we can go into a steamy (expletive) until you (expletive) on my fine (expletive) and I (expletive) until I can't (expletive) no more. We can then (expletive) and (expletive) my big (expletive) as I walk over and (expletive) that long (expletive) and (expletive). All through the night we'll (expletive) and (expletive) that (expletive) while we (expletive) on a credenza among the company of giraffes. If you’re interested, contact me at (number withheld)."
-Hungrily yours, Trish Stratus

S: Excuse me, fair maiden? I just dropped my monocle in a fine glass of Chardonnay in reaction to this. For shame, Ms. Stratus. While I do appreciate your comments, I cannot say the same for the questionable adult content of your letter. Perchance on a moonlight dreary you have thought to yourself such vile and sinful thoughts, but I am a man of forthwith distinction and will not partake in your request. Believe you me when I say with great conviction that I find you quite attractive to mine eye, but your words are distinctly opposite. This is not everyday speak from a WWE Diva and I am flabbergasted to an considerable degree. Firstly, you cannot (expletive) an (expletive) without the proper diving equipment and a swimming buddy in tow. Second of all, this question and answer section is solely reserved for professional wrestling related queries. Finally, this fine publication is targeted towards small children and families. With that said, we must uphold ourselves to such honorable standards at all times. So, I reluctantly thank you for your input. Please keep reading otherwise.

P.S.: To (expletive) on a credenza is illegal in North America, but I'm in on the giraffes. I'll be in Room (number withheld) at (name withheld) in (location withheld).

(She never got to meet me. Oh, that poor young woman. She wanted the life of luxury on Boardwalk and Park Place, but ended up marrying the mayor of 2nd Place Beauty Contest Winnerville.)

Russoriffic?

What do you think of Vince Russo?
-Wince Busso of Yew Nork, Yew Nork.

(When TNA fans chanted "Fire Russo!" at a recent Pay-Per-View, I frowned. Vince Russo's writing may not hit it out of the park every time, but when it comes down to the 4th quarter, he'll get the empty net goal into the uprights. Upon hearing such chants, Vince Russo's heart must have sunk into his chest and filed for bankruptcy of affection. For shame, TNA fans. You are no better than WWE, what with your incoherent screaming, unique odours, and questionable fashion sense.)

S: I think Mr. Russo is a tremendous person. If I were the Queen, and lived in England, and had a tiara and a horse carriage, and had a palace that I could call my very own, and had a delicious meal one day, and watched old episodes of Nitro, and saw Vince Russo on them, and saw Thunder right after, and had another scrumptious meal, and saw him win the WCW Title, and then walked around for a little bit because my left leg was cramping up, and then used a rotary telephone to order pizza, and then watched WCW Saturday Night, and then had a nap, and then woke up a little groggy so I rested in a daybed, and then woke up again, and then flew a kite, and then came back inside to put on my large hat with twig-like decorations, and then drank some tea with two teaspoons of sugar, and then ate the delivered pizza by having one maid hold my mouth open as the other dispensed the food while making airplane noises, and then thought about stuff...I would maybe most likely probably consider knighting Vince Russo sometime this millennium.

Today, Not Tomorrow Nor Yesterday

Who do you think are the best wrestlers still competing today?
-Clementine Pratt of Calgary, Alberta

S: Here are a few off the top of my head:
-Eddie Guerrero (There is no explanation needed for this, homes. You can count on that, gardens. Oil of Olay, Vato. Pizza la raza.)
-Kurt Angle (With injuries and all, he's still one of the most talented individuals I'll ever see in a wrestling ring. Additional kudos to him as I'm told that he plans to name his next son or daughter 90 Degree.)
-Jay Leno (I gave his 1998 Road Wild Match 4.5 stars because I admired his finishing maneuvre -- The Pin. It was so great that Stephanie McMahon stole the move for her very own.)
-Chris Benoit (Still great for his age and could put on a good match with a broomstick and a Match of the Year Candidate with a unused Swiffer Sweeper. On a related note, I think that putting your significant other in The Crippler Crossface during the wintertime is a great way to both warm their captured hand in place of a mitten and for them to touch you intimately.)
-Carson Daly (One of the greatest wrestling talk show hosts to never wrestle. He's this low on the list as I find his "Being Carson Daly" gimmick greatly offensive to other hosts in general and Latinos. Otherwise, he's excellent.)
-"The Macho Man" Fred Savage (Wrestlemania VII: Kevin Arnold reunites with Miss Winnie Cooper after losing to Wayne Arnold. Enough said. He's still as awesome now as he was then, if not better.)

(I heard that Carson Daly's style is akin to King's Road. I don't what that means, but I assume it has something to do with being not good at the funny.)

Chandler and Moniker

If you could pick a nickname to call yourself, what would it be?
-Wesley Bernard of Tampa Bay, Florida

S: To answer this question, I need to use a quirky and humorous anecdote:

I was eating lunch one day at a restaurant when "You Can't See Me" played over the speakers and John Cena stepped into the place flailing his arms everywhere and angrily spinning his belt at the elderly and tiny babies. Fed up with his antics, I grabbed a microphone from a nearby microphone vending machine and cut a freestyle on him, remarking "You think you're street when you're all just bunk. You're not fully crunk unless you're Zest-fully crunk". He then grabbed a microphone, pumped up his high-top shoes, and called me "Stephen-2-Thrifty-When-It-Comes-To-Fruit-Flavoured-Brand-Name-Cereals". I walked up to him and raised his arm in humble defeat. Therefore, I think Stephen-2-Thrifty-When-It-Comes-To-Fruit-Flavoured-Brand-Name-Cereals would be my nickname. I can't help but admit that what he said is true. I like Rainbow Rings as opposed to Fruit Loops. He caught me.

(Before you got swerved on this here blog, John Cena stomped my yard. He stomped it good. My lawn can't grow grass anymore. I would go to Home Depot to replace my yard, but I'm afraid he'll come back and make it tap out or something like that.)

SpikedTV?

Do you think Total Non-Stop Action Wrestling (TNA) can make it?
-J. Bailey of Sacramento, California

S: I asked a few fans about this and I've come to the conclusion that it definitely can. One fan responded with "What's a TNA? Can you eat it?". Another thought it was some sort of disease you get through intercourse (definition: combining two mini-golf courses into one). If those answers are any indication, Jerry and Jeff Jarrett have a moneymaker on their hands. Imagine if they named the promotion Incomplete Part-Time Postponement Tiddlywinks. They would have never made it, unless any of you believe otherwise. If you know what's good for you...you do not.

(Now that I ponder the thought, Incomplete Part-time Postponement Tiddlywinks would be a fantastic name for a wrestling federation. Wait, I believe I have ten million dollars in my trust fund. Maybe I should start my company right now. Somebody get Elix Skipper on the phone. Don't ask for Mean Mike or Tough Tom. They can be Chatty Cathys.)

Inside The Columnist's Studio

Hello there. Big fan of the site. I've interviewed the biggest stars in entertainment, and now I'd like to interview someone completely different. In terms of sports entertainment, I have always wondered what your answers would be to the following questions below...

(I think James Lipton just dissed me in the above paragraph. Oh, he "wonders" what my answers will be? Is he saying that I'm Wonder Bread or something? I'll show him. Let me summon the confetti from the ceiling first. His suit is definitely going to be riddled with pieces of thin, colourful, stray paper, and he won't be able to do anything to stop it.)

Sincerely,
James Lipton

S: 01. What is your favorite word?
Slammiversary

02. What is your least favorite word?
Wrestling

03. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
International objects, "modified versions" of moves, diva searching and finding

04. What turns you off?
Wrestling Gods, grappling priests, rapping monks

05. What is your favorite curse word?
Slammiversary

06. What sound or noise do you love?
You the know the noise when a wrestler is about to do a run-in, and his music hits, and the fans go nuts with insane anticipation for his arrival? You do? Good, because my answer to this question is the sound that a cowbell makes.

(A cowbell usually goes "Oooooh Chavo!" I don't recall where I found that cowbell. Possibly, I was playing the instrument incorrectly when it made the sound, though I cannot confirm that claim.)

07. What sound or noise do you hate?
Spitting in the face of people who want to be cool, but do not have the appropriate funding readily available to them to be cool. Spitting is always full of hatred and saliva, and costs ten grand each instance due to the newly enforced Inner Apple Exposure Tax, so why do it?

08. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?
Special Guest Bottom Turnbuckle

09. What profession would you not like to do?
Slammiversary

(Slammiversary is the new bingo. There was a farmer who had a dog and Slammiversary was it's name-o... S-L-A... and all that. I'm tired. Give me a break.)

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
"I got everything I ever wanted, and I'll never give that back. Oh I know you hate X-Factor, but you ain't gotta look at me like that. You ain't gotta look at me like that..."

(Some entrance theme historians claim that X-Factor had the worst music in the history of wrestling. I beg to differ. Look, not everything on this planet can be rocking. Also, X-Pac was there. That's my argument. Good night.)

By the way, thanks for your support and good luck with your Cup-A-Soup franchise, Mr. Lipton.

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 15th

The answer to last week's Squared Circle of Fortune:

Hustle Loyalty Recycle

WWE Champion John Cena has the heart of the champion, the arms of a winner, the head of a fighter, the body of a wrestler, and the legs of a recycler. You can help the champ today by gathering stray aluminum cans to make future aluminum cans. Give an FU to those who lazily discard their old newspapers in the garbage. Reduce. Reuse. Recycle. Word life to your respective mothers.

*****

World Tag Team Title Match
The Hardys vs. The Hardy Boys

Affirmative
Enthusiastic scream

They're gonna look for some treasure
In a haunted cave, I presume
Detectives solving a mystery
Where the flying fudge is Nancy Drew?

They're gonna get in some trouble
But they'll hide behind some trees, yeah
In wooded areas and jungles
They look around preppily

The Question
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

I'll take a glance at something that happened in the past. Possibly, it will comedic.

AND

Why does an undertaker need a title? Why does an undertaker even wrestle? I want undertakers competing in a wrestling ring the same way I want gynecologists building houses for the unfortunate -- not very much.

Checklistlessness

Professional wrestlers have many errands. Life on the road fifty-two weeks a year can be quite tiresome. First, there's a 5 AM wake-up call, followed by a strenuous workout. They pump iron, they get fit, then they eat breakfast. During breakfast at the local wafflehouse, they must somehow fit in time for a WWE meet-and-greet, autographing some guy's old magazine and some nameless kid's foam title belt with a broken faceplate. After that, they work out once more while appearing on The Morning Zoo Show at 96.5 XBX FM, featuring Zany Pete, Frantic Frederick, and Jane the Traffic Reporter.

Next, an afternoon of driving is at hand as they attempt to move through stationary traffic jams in order to make it on time to the arena. If they arrive early, wrestling officials lecture them on the fundamentals of the entertainment sport. If they arrive late, wrestling officials lecture them on time management. If they arrive at the exact time they are expected to come, wrestling officials kick them off of the program, suspecting that the young superstars believe they are better than the old-timers due to their excellent punctuality. At the end of the show, the grapplers work out a third time while eating craft service scraps as dinner in the empty backstage area. Finally, they drive back to their hotel, forced to entertain themselves until slumber by watching informercials about bowel control. When they wake up in the next morning, the day starts all over again.

These arduous schedules force the performers and companies of wrestling that we all know and love to keep track of their futures by keeping personal checklists. While some lists involve important tasks that require a significant deal of effort to complete, there are others that do not need much care at all.

So, what do these checklists entail? Let's take a look.

Checklist #1: Robert Lashington, Esq.
Lashley is a busy, busy, busy, busy, busy, busy, bizz-ay man. Recently, he can be seen on almost all weekly progams provided by World Wrestling Entertainment, spearing and clotheslining the McMahons and Umaga to the delight of at least ten people. Surprisingly, he was about to appear on Heat, but he doesn't know where WWE put it. Well, did he check the glove compartment in WWE's car?

The Incredible Feats of Bobby Lashley to Garner the Love of the Audience

X Winning the ECW World Championship

X Shaving Vince McMahon's Head

-- Defeating Three Men at Once

-- Righting the Leaning Tower of Pisa

-- Resurrecting the Dinosaurs from Prehistoric Mosquitos Stuck in Amber

Checklist #2: John C. Na
Wrestlemania 23 promoted many things, including the Ford Mustang's capablity to be driven by reckless individuals. In modern car commercials, stuntmen drive shiny vehicles in a beautiful and swift fashion through winding turnpikes, bridges, and rollercoaster tracks, but at least those advertisements are accompanied with a warning. Because professional drivers are behind the wheel, these stuntment are allowed to go nuts on asphalt. In turn, normal folk are advised to drive safely for they are not trained in such an occupation, yet that does not stop John Cena. He will continue to drive violently through things whether we like it or not. Keep your loved ones at home, human beings. John Cena is hankering to make another flashly entrance.

John Cena's Vehicular Casualties

X Wrestlemania 23 Pane of Glass

X Triple H's Barbarian Throne

X The RAW Main Event Scene

-- Comedy

-- Schoolhouse Full of Needy Orphans

Checklist #3: Great Khali Miss Molly
As of late, RAW's enormous giant makes his living by disappearing every two weeks, only to return to defeat a small cruiserweight in ten seconds. Sadly, WWE does not let us know the person behind the incomprehensible yelling and arm raising and chopping and hurting and largeness from this sports entertainer. Therefore, it should be of no shock to anyone that Khali is a mysterious man, but did you know that he thoroughly enjoys to watch motion pictures in his spare time? Of course you didn't. World Wrestling Entertainment teaches us nothing. Hey, I didn't know Randy Orton could pin Shawn Michaels lying lifeless on his back. I had no idea two plus plus equalled twelfthteen. Kudos, publicly shared company. Many a kudo.

The Great Khali's Netflix Queue

X WWE Judgment Day (2006)

X The Longest Yard (2005)

X See No Evil (2006)

-- The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (2005)

-- Pooh's Heffalump Movie (2005)

Checklist #4: He's the other Ted Turner, damnit.
The grandest stage of them all proved to be one of the worst stages of them all for Vince McMahon's scalp. To have your head shaved is one of the most embarrassing consequences of losing a wrestling match. In real life, having a bald head is similar to walking around town without any pants, yet you can't fix the mistake because it's somewhat permanent. A few weeks ago on RAW, Shane McMahon put his hairdo on the line against Bobby Lashley and lost by disqualification. Apparently, hair cannot change hands on a disqualification, but the NWA World Championship of TNA can. This is an insane world we're living in at the moment. People are using cellular phones, young kids are impregnating each other, and black silhouettes are dancing to music in front of neon backgrounds. Have you ever met a black silhouette? I don't trust them. They have no ears, eyes, or throat.

Vince McMahon's Hat Sequence

X Fedora

-- Bowler

-- Sombrero

-- Hulkamania Bandana

-- Tiara

Checklist #5: They were together, then they were apart, and now they're back together. Is that you, Rachel and Ross?
The RAW after Wrestlemania 23 solidified Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch as two dudes who can almost win the World Tag Team Titles they already won mere weeks after their WWE debut. If it wasn't for Matt and Jeff Hardy, Cade and Murdoch would be standing upon the marble pedestal of greatness, looking down on the legendary Cryme Tyme, the world's greatest tag team The World's Greatest Tag Team, and Viscera and his Pajamas. At WWE Backlash, the duo will get their hands on Hardys one more time. Can they take advantage of this opportunity and secure tag told for the second time? You can give WWE forty dollars to find out, though I bet their answer will be a countout.

Lance Cade and Trevor Murdoch's Evolution of Monikers

X Texas and Tennessee

X Cade and Murdoch

-- A Wrestler Named Garrison and Stan Dupp

-- Chappy Jones and The Fat Man

-- The Jobby Job Job Junior Shabadoos

Checklist #6: Appearing in Playboy Magazine is an accomplishment equivalent to attaining a correspondence degree in Food Technology.
Ashley Massaro, the 2005 RAW Diva Search winner, lit it up at Wrestlemania 23, putting on a zero-to-five star match against Melina. Unfortunately, her momentum was halted when she was attacked by Jillian Hall on a recent episode of Friday Night Smackdown, succumbing to the career-threatening injury that makes a person scream in pain like they're laughing or having awkward intercourse. If that's what actucally happens when a women gets injured, I think I've been accidentally injuring women for at least a few years. Sorry, lady parts and owners of lady parts. Biggest apologies, Glen.

With that said, Ashley Massaro is set to return any day now. If her checklist is correct, she will definitely return with a big bang.

Ashley Massaro's Ladder to Success

X Wear a Backwards Hat

X Stick Your Tongue Out A Whole Bunch

X Get Photographed Naked

X "Wrestle"

-- Academy Award

Checklist #7: Sim Punk
The feud between the ECW Originals and the New Breed has escalated to a new level of intensity. Previously courted by both factions, former independent wrestling superstar CM Punk chose to side with the huddled masses led by one Elijah Burke. Punk has not yet indicated the true reason behind his choice, but maybe his checklist will reveal his intentions. Has Punk turned on the fans of ECW, or is he trying to disband the young group from the inside out? Tune in to ECW on Sci-Fi. Maybe you'll find out. Maybe Snitsky will look perturbed. I'm not guaranteeing anything.

CM Punk's Explained Reasons for Joining the New Breed

X Exposure

-- Comradery

-- Profit

-- Dental Benefits

-- Unlimited Vampirical Guidance

Checklist #8 Total Non-stop Non-stopping
The additions of Sting and Kurt Angle has given TNA a clear boost to the upper echelon of sports entertainment. If the hiring of these big names was supposed to bring the company some buzz, it worked. As of now, two more people know that TNA is a wrestling company and not an abbreviated name for womanly bumps and humps. Now, Total Non-stop Action is venturing to new worlds outside of the stagnant environment of the TNA Impact Zone (like Missouri), but they will never be able to compete with World Wrestling Entertainment unless they unleash the big guns. So, what are these guns that are big? Electricity. Gimmicked electricity.

Electrified Things to be Presented by TNA's Creative Team

X Steel Cage

-- Hexagonal Ring

-- Don West

-- Mike Tenay's Infinite Tuxedo

-- Swinging Towel Man's Towel

Checklist #9: The Alfalfa Male
Marcus Cor Von's shoulder tackle finisher has not been named by WWE. Possibly, they are afraid of naming it for its impact transcends any measure of explanation from the English language. When a large man bounces you off of the ropes, only to bounce himself off the ropes to thrust his body into your person, you are going to hurt. If they just named it Hurty Hurty Gumdrops, I would accept it as a legimitimate and scary maneuver. Well, Hurty Hurty Gumpdrops is the name for my finishing move, so Cor Von cannot use it. Though, perhaps he can use another great name... if either he or WWE wants to think of one.

Names for Marcus Cor Von's Finishing Move

X "What a Move"

X "I Love That Move"

X "Devastating Move"

X "Impactful Move"

-- "Forward Thrusting Dragon Inverted Front Side Special Dragon Collision Ocelot 2007"

Checklist #10: Italian Gondolas Ferraris Godfather Fashion Spaghetti Italic Meatballs of Italy
On April 16, 2007, OVW's Boris Alexiev debuted on RAW as an international wrestling fan named Santino Marella. His amazing Intercontinental Championship victory proved to the world that this fellow is not afraid of Vince McMahon, nor Umaga, nor the angry slaps of Jim Cornette. According to the provided storyline, Santino's dream was to wrestle for World Wrestling Entertainment, and the fulfillment of his dream has made him very happy. If you ask me, they hired the wrong "fan". They should've hired RAW GM For A Day Michael Peña. I think he could show Umaga a thing or two. One of those things would be his sweet decoder ring.

Gimmicks for WWE Intercontinental Champion Santino Marella

X Red-shoes-wearing Guy

X Man with a Lot of Tattoos Who Also Wrestles

X Wrestler with Italian Accent

-- Plumber Who Delves into Magical Worlds to Save A
Beautiful Princess

-- Released