Jack Black dons the role of flying fat man in Paramount Pictures' Nacho Libre. This film has been rated PG for violence, crude content, and unavoidable presence of orphans. Lastly, Nacho Libre is not recommended for young children due to their bias for mixed martial arts.
Nacho shows Chanco, Salad Lovin' Kid, and rest of the No Parents Brigade around the city. He points to a chipmunk nest, some delicious corn, the place where he gets old tortilla chips for the orphans, and a crazy lady (Super Crazy's crazy old crazy mother -- Guadalupe Crazy).
From afar, the group notices a large man in black, Ramses, Zaius IV, and Zaius V exit from a Costco, most likely. Salad Lovin' Kid says Ramses is the best; Chanco disagrees. Nacho walks toward Ramses and asks for an autograph and a picture for the orphans. Ramses turns around and ignores him. Nacho gets his attention once more, but this angers Ramses and he shoves Nacho into a cart of watermelons. One of my favourite moments in wrestling is the time Shawn Michaels won the WWE Title from Bret Hart at the 1997 Survivor Series Event in Montreal. Bret was mad at Vince, so he ate a watermelon. What's so great about this? Bret had Vince's favourite watermelon. When Bret was done, he spit the watermelon seeds in Vince's face. Good wrestling is good wrestling is good wrestling.
Nacho and Steven put on extravagant white clothes. Sister Encarnación knocks on Nacho's door. Nacho opens the door slightly and converses with her. Encarnación asks Nacho where he has been. Nacho answers that he has been sleeping. Encarnación asks to come in, but Nacho insists that if she does, people will think she is a floozy. If you look up floozy in the dictionary, the dictionary will have sex with you. No joke.
Nacho and Steven are prohibited from entering the shindig. To improvise, Nacho lifts Steven up and over a wall on the side of the building. Nacho asks to be lifted, but Steven says he is too fat. Nacho calculates in his mind if his percentage of body fat is appropriate for a man of his age and height. Next, a van parks in front of him holding the house band for the night. Nacho follows.
Inside the box social, Steven introduces himself as "Esqueleto the Luchador" to Ramses and his cowboy-hatted manager. Steven says that he and Nacho are ready to go pro. Ramses LOLs at the idea of fighting Esqueleto in the ring. The manager tells Steven that if he wishes to go pro and fight Ramses, he will have to win a battle royal that is taking place next week.
A large woman in a pink dress locks eyes with Steven from across the room. She is enamored with his large teeth and volumized hair. He leaves in discomfort.
The band appears before the party people. Nacho is playing an upright bass, but is not exactly playing it well. He softly sings along with the band, which brings great suspicion to the minds of Ramses and Manager of Ramses.
Meanwhile, Steven walks upstairs and is intrigued by a doll collection. He is startled by the sudden presence of the large woman, who has used a secret tunnel to quickly ascend to the second floor. In an attempt to seduce him, Steven runs away in disgust.
Back with the band, Nacho leads a song of his own. If the ditty was featuring Puff Daddy/P. Diddy/Diddy Kong Racing, it would go something like this:
I am a-singing at the party (uh huh)
I am singing, it's my turn to sing at the party (that's right)
Everybody is dancing happy at the party (Bad Boy Entertainment)
But Ramses is not dancing, he does not dance at the parties (2007, baby)
Ramses is #1, he knows the secrets to desire (hit that)
Ramses is the one, puts the people all on fire (heat it up, heat it up like marshmallows during summer camp)
Ramses responds to the song by spilling his wine over Nacho's white shirt. In the same area, Steven tries to escape the clutches of the large woman. Nacho hears Steven's girlish screams and attempts to nail the large woman over the head with his upright bass, but accidentally strikes Steven on the behind instead. Somewhere in the world, the Honky Tonk Man is mad at Jeff Jarrett who is mad at the botching of the move.
Nacho and Esqueleto leave the party, only to find out that a group of shady men have let out the air from Nacho's motorycle. One of the men points his switchblade in their direction. Esqueleto flings his corn on a stick at one of the henchmen. It penetrates the guy's eye. How come when I throw my corn at people, it just bounches right off of them? Am I using dent corn when I should be using sweet corn?
Still in their fancy clothes, Nacho returns to his wooden bungalow in anger. He expresses his dislike for Ramses. Esqueleto proposes that Nacho enter the battle royal so he can face Ramses one-on-one. Nacho bites back by saying that he is a friar first. He blames Steven for his lack of food-attainment for the orphans. Steven, sick of Nacho's talk, says he hates all the orphans in the whole world. They fight in a verbal and physical fashion before Nacho skips back to the orphanage.
Sister Encarnación cooks in the kitchen as Nacho enters. She asks him where he's been. Say, Encarnación, can't a man just go out and have fun at the spa for a while without having to explain why? It's called "Me Time", sister girl. Nacho confesses that he attended a lucha libre wrestling event. Sister Encarnación says Smackdown and ECW are coming to the Bell Centre on May 27 for the Wrestlemania Revenge Tour. See all your favourite superstars competing... including Shawn Michaels (injured), Mr. Kennedy (injured), The Undertaker (injured), and much, much more (sucky). Don't wait, get your tickets now.
In actuality, Encarnación tells Nacho that wrestling is a sin. She claims that wrestlers fight for false pride. As for me, I don't like to call it false pride; I say it's pride entertainment. At the same time, Encarnación insists to Nacho that wrestling is only right when you fight for something noble, or for something who needs help. Have any of you seen Jamie Noble on television lately? I think he needs all the help he can get, so we're covered.
Nacho asks God why he has given him a strong desire to wrestle, but has also made him a stinky warrior. Nacho works over ideas in his head as to why God has put him in this position. At the same time, a candle gets knocked over and sets his cloak on fire.
Nacho runs out of the church to stop, drop, and roll. When he regains his composure, he stands up in front of Sister Encarnación, his fellow friars, and the orphans, only to find out that the fire has burnt half of his cloak to nothing. With his stretchy pants revealed, he reveals that he is "Nacho the Luchadore". Chancho is happy, Salad Lovin' Kid is thinking 'bout salad, and Sister Encarnación is disappointed.
Shunned by the authoritative figures, Nacho promises that he will have God by his side as he will compete in the battle royal and win 10,000 pesos for the orphans. Man, it seems as though Salad Lovin' Kid needs a lot of salad. Addicted to thousand island, much? Oh, Nacho wants to buy a bus to take the children on field trips. I'm sure Salad Lovin' Kid will want to travel to the forest, just to strip the bark of all leafy greens.
Nacho leaves with his head hung low, then high. He puts on his mask and walks out of the shot.
The royal battle is about to begin. Your participants are:
- It's The Human Tornaaado as "El Snowflake"
WT. 185 lbs.
HT. 5'11''
Signature Move:
The Inverted Tope Reversal
- El Chino
WT. 155 lbs.
HT. 5'8''
Signature Move:
Cobra Strikes
- Carlos Rosales
WT. 162 lbs.
HT. 5'9''
Signature Move:
Chair Strikes
- Dynasty
WT. 200 lbs.
HT. 6'1''
Signature Move:
The Locust
- Muneco
WT. 200 lbs.
HT. 5'0''
Signature Move:
El Suastica Submission
- Silencio (the man in black from Ramses' Crew)
WT. 306 lbs.
HT. 6'7''
Signature Move:
Throwing People (If he can have throwing people, my signature move is "wrestling towards you".)
- Esqueleto
WT. 115 lbs.
HT. 6'2''
Signature Move:
Standing Kick
- Nacho
WT. 208 lbs.
HT. 5'5''
Signature Move:
El Cangrejo Submission
Highlights of the Battle Royal:
-Rosales hits people with chairs Lance Storm style
- Nacho squeezes Dynasty's nipple. He says, "nipple squeeze" while he does so. In this instance, I bet this is how Stephanie wooed Triple H.
- In the corner, El Snowflake dances and kicks Muneco in his Minicos.
- El Chino eliminates El Snowflake with Sweet Chino Music.
- Nacho rolls through and monkey flips Dynasty out of the ring.
- Silencio spins Esqueleto and El Chino, disposing them from the ring.
- Silencio with the Tombstone! The Tombstone! Pepperoni and cheese! Freezer aisle! Nacho is eliminated, I suppose.
Still wearing his tights, Nacho walks in sadness through the halls of the orphanage as the others observe him in silence. He arrives in his room to gather his belongings. He announces, "You can't win 'em all," and leaves in a huff. Chancho runs after Nacho and asks where he is going. Nacho says that he is going to the wilderness to die. Chancho gives him his mother's lucky machete. Oh, that's where that thing was. Nacho wishes Chanco all the best as he departs.
Nacho walks along the mountain range and watches a bird screech and fly overhead. He throws an object at the bird in anger.
He arrives at a cactus and slices it open, eating and drinking the contents inside. Finally, he poorly builds a home of twigs to sleep in for the night.
In the morning, Steven appears riding Nacho's cool motorcycle of greatness. He tries to walk away, but Steven catches up to him along the mountainside. Steven was able to find him due to the fact that Nacho's home in the wilderness is about two inches away from the village. Steven explains that Silencio will not be able to face Ramses due to an injury (bruised bunyons, which Steven gave to him when he ran over Silencio's foot with Nacho's motorcycle). Steven insists that Nacho should fight for the orphans, for he does not hate them anymore. He presents Nacho his mask; Nacho nods his head in super agreeance.
Steven knocks on Encarnación's door and hands her a letter, supposedly written by Nacho:
"Dear Sister,
I know you probably hate my guts by now, and already believe that I must have died long ago in the wilderness. But you are wrong. I am still alive. Tonight I will be fighting the greatest wrestler who ever lived, the great Ramses. I know you don't like wrestling. But know that I am leaving all my monies to the orphans and if I die in the ring, Know that I always loved you... as a brother in God." -Ignacio
P.S.- If we didn't end up taking our vows of celibacy, we could maybe get married and have a family with some niños. But, you know. Whatever.
ooxxooXoXXx
Backstage in some arena, Ramses gets ready for his match-up with Nacho. An assistant secures the mask over Ramses' face. Two assistants rub oil on Ramses' chest and back to make him shiny like what. While he is getting a deep tissue massage, one of the assistants assures Ramses of his superiority:
Ramses is the number one
His legs are number one
His eyes are number one
His muscles are number one
You know, if Silver King told Eric Bischoff this in WCW, he would've been chosen to end Goldberg's streak. Finally, Ramses puts on some lip balm, because the conditions in the ring are frigid and do not act kindly to sensitive skin.
Nacho tells his manager Steven that he wrote a song for Sister Encarnación during his stay in the wild wilderness:
When the fantasy has ended
And all the children are gone
Something good inside me
Helps me to carry on
I ate some bugs
I ate some grass
I used my hand
To wipe my tears
To kiss her mouth, I'll break my vow
No, no, no, no, no, no way Jose
Unless you want to, then we'll break our vows together
Encarnación (x4)
With this amazing act of physical preparation, the match is right about now the funk's soul brother.
Nacho enters with a look of nervous fright on his mask. Ramses enters in elaborate fashion with pyro, a woman on each arm, and a title around his waist. The entranceway is shaped like his mask, so he enters from the mouth, which is a nice touch because it looks as though Giant Ramses is throwing up a smaller version of Ramses.
In a surprising move, Steven, who had always believed in science rather than God, prays with Nacho before the battle. The stare down between Nacho and Ramses is stare-o-licious. Nacho asks for a high five, but Ramses smacks his hand away. Just for that, I'm taking off a star rating for every future match of yours, Ramses.
The timekeeper blows his whistle to start the match. Is there a more unimpressive way to start a match than blowing a whistle? If I were to open up a fortune cookie to signal the start of a wrestling match, would that be awesome, or not so awesome to you?
After the tie-up, Ramses picks up and throws Nacho down to the mat. Nacho counters with a hammerlock and accompanying headlock. Ramses snapmares Nacho over himself. The rarely seen test of strength follows, resulting in the more common tie-up, capped off by the prevalent vertical suplex.
Ramses runs his head into Nacho's gut and spins him adequately in the fireman's carry position. FU! The Mark Henry and the Chocolate Fountain Splash! The pin gets a two. Ramses sets Nacho up for a powerbomb, but Nacho drops down to the mat. He goes through Ramses legs and mule kicks him in the buttesque vicinity. Nacho celebrates by eating a watermelon. Relax, it's not Bret's melon.
Angered by the chants for Nacho, Ramses runs at Nacho in the corner and slams his opponent's face into the watermelon slice. Sure, it's not Bret's melon, but man is Bret going to be furious at Ramses for his complete lack of respect for delicious fruits. Ramses stomps Nacho and punches Steven off the apron. Riding Nacho's back, he unmasks him in front of the entire audience. Nacho fights out of a groin and leg submission and gives Ramses a wedgie. In premature celebration, Nacho dances around the ring, only to be dropkicked into the turnbuckles. Against the ropes, Ramses attacks him with punches and elbows before choking him with his boot on the mat.
As the situation appears dire, Nacho notices the arrival of Sister Encarnación and the masked orphans. Nacho gains a second wind and it's the Supa Cena Comeback of Lovely Hopes and Dreams. He monkeyflips the golden one out of the ring and takes to the top turnbuckle. Spreading his arms out like an eagle, Nacho prepares to launch himself at Ramses. As Nacho's opponent tries to flee through the sold-out crowd, Nacho flies through the air and lands on top of Ramses to the crowd's delight. In the greatest scene of the entire bout, Nacho sets up Ramses for a majistral cradle with a ridiculous hand signal and stance. The referee counts the pin out of the ring, which is absurd, but I don't mind it. Although, if you, Workaholic Wesley, are sitting in your little cubicle prison right now, fuming at the thought of a referee inaccurately counting a pin in a comedy like Nacho Libre, what is your frequency, Kenneth? You could say this film is a bad wrestling movie, but it's not a wrestling movie. It's a movie that uses wrestling as a backdrop to a bigger story. Now, Ready to Rumble is a wrestling movie. Do with that what you will.
Nacho celebrates his victory inside the ring, jumping and kicking his way to happiness.
Nacho, wearing a teal cloak to match his wrestling attire, drives his newly purchased bus of swankiness to a local temple. Sister Encarnación, Steven, and the orphans are sitting in the bus with treats. Nacho shares a loving stare with Encarnación. They so did it. They so ate toast again and talked about life.
Nacho and gang walk up to the pinnacle of the temple, overlooking the city. Sister Encarnación gives Nacho the thumbs up; Nacho smiles back at her. End.
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