Comic books. Children buy them because they don't like reading pages with a lot of words. Grown men buy them because they love muscly guys with secrets. Despite my inexperience with the comic book world, I am beginning to understand it all. Right now, every superhero is protecting some form of New York City, which is the only place worth saving. Bad guys laugh too long. Also, sexy women are intelligent and prefer little to no clothing. In other words, the comic book world is somewhat unrealistic.
Reading WWE Heroes has changed the way I think about life and myself. For years, I identified with Batman, what with his wealthy background, success with women, and ownership of a credit card made in his likeness. Now that I have seen the enthralling exploits of The Firstborn and The King of Shadows, I'm having a superhero identity crisis. Although I do not have a brother, I have fought a guy who looks exactly like me in World War II. I don't know what happened in the end because I got lost in his eyes, but there was fisticuffs at certain intervals.
As I try to figure out who I truly am, perhaps I will find some answers in the second issue of World Wrestling Entertainment's fantastic comic book series. So far, WWE Heroes has brought us through the ages, connecting an epic blood feud with professional wrestling. At some point in this series, I expect the two worlds to combine into one. The Firstborn and The King of Shadows will not settle their differences in a wrestling ring, but should serve as mentors to The Secondborn and The Prince of Shadows in the second season of NXT.
While this look at the second issue will be The Swerved's last commentary on WWE Heroes, I shall do my best to keep up with future issues. Until then, let us enjoy the paneled fruits of Titan Comics' labour. Those brothers better get along. At the very least, they should act civil towards each other before Flag Day. They have until June 14th to get their act together. They must do it for the flags.
Following a brief recap of the first issue of WWE Heroes, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler prepare viewers for a WrestleMania main event matchup between Triple H and The Undertaker. Even though Triple H and The Undertaker fought at WrestleMania X-Seven, I am going to assume that this is a new WrestleMania bout. Furthermore, it seems as though the only event that WWE holds is WrestleMania. Join WWE next week for Monday Night WrestleMania, Friday Night WrestleMania, and WWE Vintage WrestleMania hosted by "WrestleMania" Gene WrestleMania.
Ross and Lawler wonder if Hunter and The Undertaker love, like, dislike or hate each other. In my opinion, I think their relationship is purely sexual. Somewhere in the crowd, Reverend Mr. Clean appears after managing to escape the fiery church. Behind him, he ignores the mysterious substance on the women's chest and mutters evil words under his breath. Booooong. His statement triggers the ominous toll of The Undertaker's bell, or the introduction of a slow motion, spiritual smoking session.
For a moment, the crowd silently marvels at The Undertaker's entrance. Then, the Deadman's determination to look as displeased as possible is for nought as Triple H is able to attack him from behind with a sledgehammer. In the midst of the ambush, senior referee Mike Chioda intervenes and tries to take the sledgehammer away from Triple H. For his troubles, Triple H hits him in the chin with the sledgehammer. This act effectively eliminates the biggest threat to Hunter's main event spot.
With Triple H momentarily distracted, The Undertaker battles back and punches Hunter in the gut. Jerry Lawler insists that a punch to Triple H's abdomen is a low blow. If Triple H's man-business is positioned that high on his body, I'm not sure why he has been allowed to walk around like that for so long. On the other hand, if Lawler is talking about Triple H's uterus, The King already knows too much.
In the boiler room of whichever stadium is holding WrestleMania CCXXIII, a group of bad guys are toting deadly plastic weapons. At the same time, they have taken several men and women hostage. Every hostage is wearing a maroon shirt. I think we can all agree that if you wear a maroon shirt, you're just asking to be taken hostage. The first lesson I was taught was to look both ways before crossing the street. The second lesson I was taught was to never wear a maroon shirt in a comic book. Thanks, Sesame Street.
Reverend Mr. Clean arrives at the scene and has a brief discussion with his henchmen. They tell him that they have secured all stadium exits. If anyone tries to escape, Reverend Mr. Clean will activate the detonator and send the building to the ground. I know Reverend Mr. Clean wanted to see a fresh main event matchup for once, but blowing up the stadium will not make his wish come true. If need be, Vince would force Triple H and The Undertaker to wrestle over the stadium ruins.
A pudgy security guard enters the stadium's boiler room while Reverend Mr. Clean is busy shining his hunting knife. The guard wants to know what Reverend Mr. Clean and his henchmen are doing with plastic weapons. In response, Reverend Mr. Clean's henchmen force the guard out of the room. Reverend Mr. Clean determines his fate by asking his henchmen to off the guard.
This sequence proves that Reverend Mr. Clean equally despises pudgy security guards and people in maroon shirts. Recently, Reverend Mr. Clean signed up for eHarmony and found two possible matches. One woman was a pudgy security guard. The other woman wore a maroon shirt in her profile photo. Reverend Mr. Clean switched to Lavalife.
Returning to the ring, the match between Triple H and The Undertaker continues. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler feel sorry for Triple H, but feel sorrier for Mike Chioda, who may never wrestle in the main event again after Hunter's brutal sledgehammer shot. I think Triple H vs. Chioda could have been our modern-day Austin vs. Hogan. Then again, Steve Austin and Hulk Hogan are still kind of mobile. Perhaps they could return to ring action at the same time and be the new Triple H vs. Chioda.
In the balcony, two henchmen watch the match, blocking the view of irritated fans. These fans are so irritated with the sudden obstruction that they don't see the deadly plastic weapons in the henchmen's hands. Elsewhere, a father accompanies his son to the washroom, only to be stopped by a second pair of henchmen who are blocking an exit rigged with explosives.
The boy must urinate, yet the father wants to be on television. In order to make both of them happy, I am going to produce a game show called Pee Races. In each episode, two fathers cheer on their sons as they weave their streams through a complicated maze. The first son to reach the finish line gets $1,111 and a living room urinal installation in his family’s home.
Reverend Mr. Clean and his henchmen infiltrate the WWE Broadcast Truck. The henchmen move the production crew to the back of the truck as the Reverend redirects the feed. The fact that they have every member of production crew at gunpoint is unsettling. One of them was just chilling on a couch, watching the other guys work. Give that guy a suspension with pay, not a plastic bullet to the head.
Reverend Mr. Clean shows up on the TitanTron as Triple H and The Undertaker engage in a lockup. The Undertaker, a manly waitress at a bar, an old guy, and Jerry Mathers' family are simultaneously surprised to see him on the screen. They are big fans, but wonder why Mr. Clean dropped his successful cleaning business to work under the Lord.
The Reverend announces that he has the stadium under his control. He urges everyone in attendance to remain in their seats or feel the wrath of fiery explosions. If you are a young boy with a bladder full of urine, you're not getting to that bathroom. Young boys have terrible aim and Reverend Mr. Clean does not want to retain his cleaning duties. He exemplifies his power by threatening a member of the production crew with a knife. Jerry Mathers' family looks on in horror, partly because this predicament reminds Jerry Mathers of that time Beaver Cleaver got trapped in that gigantic coffee cup.
Backstage, Edge, Carlito, a blonde Mickie James or regular Kelly Kelly, John Cena, The Big Show, Shawn Michaels, and Batista are freaking out over the Reverend’s declaration. Meanwhile, Rey Mysterio is reading The Zombie Survival Guide because he isn't smart. The bright colours on his ring gear are finally messing with his head. Soon enough, he will have to get a Rey Mysterio tattoo to remind him of who he is.
Reverend Mr. Clean and his cleanliness team confront Vince McMahon and the WWE Superstars. Before Vince can protect his talent from harm, Reverend Mr. Clean knocks him out with the wooden end of an axe. He is using it wrong. After throwing the axe down, he takes the WWE Superstars hostage and leads them to the ring. That's too bad. Rey Mysterio was about to consult The Babysitter's Club: Kristy and the Haunted Mansion for help.
The Reverend cuts his first in-ring promo with WWE talent in tow. He instructs his henchmen to search the wrestlers for any foreign objects that could be used against him in a violent manner. You see, this is what happens when Reverend Mr. Clean skips a stint in Florida Championship Wrestling. He needs more work.
Fed up with the Reverend's rant, Chris Jericho steps up and begins attacking the henchmen. Despite getting some shots in on one of the bad guys, another man trips Jericho up and drags him out of the ring. As four henchmen restrain him, Reverend Mr. Clean asks them to make another example of Jericho. He says, "Do it backstage." Whether they kill him or make love to him, they will be using knives. They're kinky like that.
Chris Jericho is like the town bicycle. Everyone wants to gang up and make love to it with the assistance of knives.
Post-knife-y-coitus, Reverend Mr. Clean tells the group to mourn with him, but Triple H wants nothing to do with the ceremony. Chris Jericho has been fatally violated with knives who knows where. The least that Triple H could do is keep his mouth shut for the bell salute.
Hunter gets in the Reverend's face, only to be struck with the ring bell. John Morrison and what looks to be Heath Slater hold Hunter back as they watch the Reverend rub his chin in deep thought. The Reverend has almost no idea who this Heath guy is. He hasn't been watching the product lately. He preferred the Attitude Era.
Reverend Mr. Clean asks the other WWE Superstars to exit the ring, leaving Triple H with what he calls an "aptly demonic foe." Either Double H is here to get his third H back, or Quadruple H will debut, asking Triple H to take full custody of his fourth H.
Assuring the roster that he will be fine, Triple H and The Undertaker end up being the last two men in the ring. The Undertaker insists that the man who comes out victorious in their unfinished match will be the one who takes out Reverend Mr. Clean. A brief battle ensues, ending with Triple H busting The Undertaker's nose with his knee. This one move knocks out his opponent, leading me to believe that the power never came from The Undertaker's urn. The power came from his septum.
An unrecognizable WWE Diva asks why the Reverend is doing these evil things. The Reverend directs her question to Triple H, whom he also knows as The Firstborn. In response, Triple H falls out of the ring or jumps out of it to attack Reverend Mr. Clean. This panel leads to an attack by a Godzilla-sized version of The Firstborn, who sets fire to the city.
In this issue, I feel like I'm getting to know The Firstborn better. The Firstborn is not a fan of big businesses like Spooner Industries and Burto, Incorporated. He supports Mom and Pop stores over Wal-Mart. Good for him.
Triple H is not alive.
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