As far as I know, I am a human. When you cut me, I bleed. More often than not, I bleed blood. Because you can read this sentence, I am going to assume that you are a human as well. You bleed like any other bleeding individual. In my dangerous line of work (professional wrestling analysis), blood is a common sight for me. If you are not bleeding, you are not analyzing. With that said, that does not mean I want to see blood in wrestling. Thankfully, WWE's no-blood policy has and will continue to put a stop to the bloody madness.
You see, children are fragile creatures. They must be taught the rights of life before they embrace the wrongs. As a child, I witnessed wrestlers bleed for dramatic effect, only for those images to tarnish my innocent mind. Once I entered elementary school, all I knew about life came from watching violent wrestling on television. Every time I met someone new, I greeted them by bashing him or her in the face with a steel chair. When they bled, I deemed them worthy enough to become my friend. If hardcore wrestling fans have their way, our children and our children's children will be running around, hitting each other with chairs and the chairs of their children's children. Do you want that? Do you want multi-generational chair greetings, occasionally involving time travel to acquire chairs from the past, present, and future? I sincerely hope not.
Of course, prohibiting blood from WWE programming cannot entirely stop the bleeding. As long as wrestlers have blood, they will have the ability to bleed. However, at least a wrestling promotion has the guts to do what any respected company should do — raise and protect children that are not theirs. If your children are watching WWE, they are living under WWE's roof and must abide by their rules. They can only watch television on Mondays, Tuesdays, Fridays, and some Sundays. They must buy every piece of merchandise featuring their favourite wrestler. Last but not least, they must believe that the majority of people bleed candy.
I urge hardcore wrestling fans to realize that times have changed. Their brand of violence is dead. Parental guidance is goodness. The general public thinks blood is icky and gross; I tend to agree. If they don't need blood, you and I can live healthy lives without blood, too. Thirty minutes ago, I drained my entire body of blood and I feel perfectly jumping spaceship monkey wheelbarrow.
- Blood is a red fluid that sends oxygen and nutrients throughout your body. Apparently, your body is too cheap to hire a professional to do it for you. In other words, blood makes you lazy.
- The sight of an action hero's blood gives him a second wind in climatic fights against insecure, foreign antagonists who did nothing wrong.
- The average man has approximately 5.6 litres in his body. The average, American-made man has 0.8 litres of blood in his body and 4.8 litres of mysterious blue and white liquids. The average lifespan of an average, American-made man is a patriotic yet brief two minutes.
- The average woman has about 4.5 litres in her body. According to Michael Cole's blood, a WWE Diva's blood is sexy, smart, and powerful.
- Bonus fact: Michael Cole’s blood can talk. "Good grief," says Jerry Lawler's blood.
- "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair's blood has bled skin in 99% of his wrestling matches.
- If you are a Southern belle like many WWE Superstars, the sight of blood will make you fan yourself with a lace fan. Next, you will gingerly collapse onto the ground and say, "Oh, the vapours."
- At an early age, watching wrestlers bleed is the leading cause of bleeding children. Accidents on the playground or in the household are not responsible.
- Time is faster than blood at healing wounds. Time is already money. In conclusion, time is a greedy bastard.
- If an adult's blood vessels were laid end to end, that wouldn't be convenient at all.
- The act of “blading” involves cutting oneself to draw blood out of the body. This practice inspired the modern art of "rollerblading,” which involves punishing oneself with repeated viewings of the 2002 remake of Rollerball. Shane "Here Comes The Rollerball" McMahon and Paul "Rollerjam Man" Heyman give
- Continual support of voluntary bloodletting in professional wrestling matches supports the struggling, razor blade black market.
- Bloody wrestlers inspire children at home to cover their faces in their own blood, taking money right out of the pockets of crimson mask manufacturers.
- The appearance of blood in a WWE-sanctioned match causes a referee stoppage, giving fans a break from the constant, fast-paced wrestling action. Can they momentarily close up that guy's wound with glue? I’m not sure. I'm too busy taking a breather. I tried to breath during those Burn Notice promos, but only characters were welcome there. They said nothing about breathers.
- Wrestling rings have proven to contain super-absorbent polymers that can soak up and trap any amount of blood. This discovery has created a new market for lady's wrestling rings. If you're flowing, get your personal ring crew to put a lady's wrestling ring on it.
- If you are a psychotic, lesbian stalker looking to improve your kissing techniques with your unconscious idol, bleeding from the nose can be quite beneficial to your cause.
- Minimal to zero appearances by Doctor With Gloves. Wrestling's Doctor With Gloves is a dynamic, thought-provoking character who makes you wonder why your family doctor rarely wears gloves when performing check-ups on you.
- Soon enough, First Blood Matches will become frequent as World Wrestling Entertainment begins to appeal to an untapped yet dangerous demographic — vampires with their vampire parents' money.
- Chalices filled with blood distract vampire clan leaders from extinguishing rings of fire. Usually, they just step over them while grinning in an evil manner. Vampire clan leaders with puffy white shirts have been the number one cause of entrance ramp fires since 1999. Gothic lackeys in pleather are the number two cause of entrance ramp fires, followed by large bald guys who used to wear cool masks.
- Bleeding from the mouth makes undead zombie things think twice about sticking out their tongues, thereby lowering their self-esteem. The last thing an undead zombie thing needs is self-doubt.
- Blood is often symbolic of a wrestler's personal sacrifice in the ring, similar to music made by a kneeling Scott Stapp.
- At WrestleMania 13, a submission match between Stone Cold Steve Austin and Bret "The Hitman Hart" came to a dramatic finish. As Hart locked Austin in his patented Sharpshooter, a new megastar was born. A Clamato-drenched Stone Cold refused to submit before losing consciousness. Wrestling historians believe that the robust combination of clam and tomato increased Austin's threshold for pain.
- Arguably, WrestleMania XIX's most iconic image was a lead-pipe-wielding Vince McMahon — covered in strawberry syrup after violently devouring an ice cream sundae — peering over the ring apron. Unlike his spoon-wielding opponent (Hulk Hogan), Vince McMahon had to eat his sundae with a lead pipe. The act of eating his sundae with a lead pipe exhausted the WWE Chairman, leading to his eventual defeat.
- In an infamous promo on Monday Night RAW, Ric Flair boasted to Randy Orton that he could make virgins read. Good for Ric Flair, getting young ladies interested in literature. Devirginized people will never appreciate Nicholas Sparks like these girls do.
- During a 2002 Hell in a Cell Match between Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker, Lesnar nailed his opponent in the face with a set of ring steps. The impact did not open up The Undertaker to the point where he bled into Lesnar's mouth, but did result in the Deadman turning black and white while profusely sweating cherry Gatorade. With his thirst quenched, Brock took the win and the title. Atop the hellish cell, Lesnar celebrated his victory by smearing the drink all over his chest.
- The first Hell in a Cell Match featured Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker. This match occurred at one of my favourite Pay-Per-View events in WWE history — Badd Ketchupp.
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