Despite her recent release from WWE, the legend of internet darling Mickie James will go on forever, much like Kate Winslet's heart in Titanic. Following Mickie's stint in World Wrestling Entertainment has been a pleasure. Her evolution from a psychotic fangirl with homosexual tendencies to a lady who smiles and jumps around a lot in the same clothes four weeks in a row was a highlight of modern-day, wrestling television. Surely, her sudden departure has left a gaping hole in the WWE Divas' division for years to come.
After all these years, you would think that the bond between Mickie and wrestling was everlasting, but things change. People change. One day, you're winning championships, making a ton of money, and seeing the world. The next day, you're wearing wings while a blurry guy watches you from afar on your first country album cover. For those of you diehard Mickie James who need their fix, let "Strangers & Angels" soothe your soul. Are you a stranger, or an angel? Can't you be both, or are you neither? Who are you anyway? Think about it.
On this edition of The Audible, I shall give Mickie James' "Strangers & Angels" the most critical of critiques. I must admit that I am not the biggest country fan, but I live in a country and have drank its time lemonade. I know what I'm doing. Don't bother reading Rolling Stone or Pitchfork because they're not going to be honest with you. I have been reviewing wrestling-related music for a while now. If you can't trust me, you might as well not trust anyone.
I want "Strangers & Angels" to be the Space Jam Soundtrack of our time — a brilliant masterpiece from start to finish that encourages youngsters to model themselves after Michael Jordan. You might think that I have high expectations for this album, but I think you have low expectations. I know "Strangers & Angels" will make children want to be like Mike. I just feel it. If this music makes them want to be like Scottie Pippen, I'm so out of here.
American made, that's how I was raised up
I like the boys with the Southern drawl
Lord knows it's sexy when they say, "Hey y'all"
As a fan of country music, have you ever thought to yourself, Man, that Gretchen Wilson is proud to be a redneck, but what would a less popular, cookie-cutter imitation have to say? With "Are You With Me," Mickie James has arrived to field that question. Unlike her predecessors, Mickie James is a country girl who enjoys partying in an American fashion.
Her hobbies include not involving herself in politics, looking at cornbread on a plate without eating it, and the fine and illegal art of "stop sign bullet hole." If you're not with her, she doesn't exactly have a solution for you. On her behalf, I must apologize. She's too busy having fun only one day a week and speeding her Chevrolet pickup truck down to nowhere in particular. Also, doesn't mind being American. Yeah, yeah, yeah-ah-ah. It’s a party in A-mer-i-ca.
Threw dinner on the floor
Packed up everything I was able
I don't need this no more
In this song, Mickie James' love for seeing cornbread on a plate without eating it has been lost. Ken Doane (her former fiancé) did something adulterous a long time ago. His wrongdoing forced Mickie to give back her engagement ring and beloved, engagement cornbread. Ken Doane had some explaining to do, but he blamed his cheating ways on his headband. For Mickie, the moral of this story is to never plan to marry a man who wears a security headband to get through the day. If you believe otherwise, prepare to lose some precious engagement cornbread to your kitchen floor.
Apparently, Mickie's break-up with Kenny makes a suitable Hollywood movie moment, comparable to Marilyn Monroe's break-up with Joe DiMaggio. Mickie is so confident in her claim that she thinks she could have sold tickets to the show. I don't know about you, but if I paid twenty bucks plus refreshments to see a woman angrily and poorly drive away from a pile of Ken Doane’s burning clothes, I wouldn’t be happy. I would most likely ask for a refund or voucher for a future screening of Khaluber.
Round after round with no referee
And I'm tired of having no one in my corner
Blood, sweat, and tears are falling and no one to wipe me down
Right at the start, I am giving this song bonus points for the inclusion of a mandolin. Although Mickie James might know how to play a mandolin, I am more inclined to believe that she kidnapped one of the Dixie Chicks. Once she untied her from the chair, Mickie made her play mandolin for this decent yet unremarkable song. If the Dixie Chick refused to play on the track, Mickie would threaten her by vigorously complimenting George W. Bush.
In "I Call The Fight," Mickie looks at her strained relationship with you as a boxing match. During this bout, punches are thrown. Each side gets knocked down by the other. People get sweaty and bloody, depending on the time of the month. Floyd Mayweather, Jr. is holding out for more money. In my opinion, the biggest problem with this relationship is that it is sanctioned by the Nevada Boxing Commission. They've got their own issues.
I got green lights up and down the boulevard
I got a fast car and I know how to drive it
I highly recommend this song to country music fans who are looking for a metaphysical listening experience. Wait, who I am kidding? Country music fans are always looking for a metaphysical listening experience. Silly me. Mickie James' "Freedom Song" consists of her singing a song about driving along to a "Freedom Song" in her car. In other words, Mickie is singing about the song she is singing about in the song. You don't see me right now, but I am a baboon. I am holding up a baby lion cub on a cliff while celebrating the life of his father and deceased grandfather. Elton John is backing me up. The circle is complete.
During the second verse, Mickie James insists that she has a leather skirt and knows how to use it. Mickie is a grown woman. At the very least, I hope she knows how to use a leather skirt. If she needs to tell me this fact through song, I am worried for her well-being. I knew a girl in high school who had a leather skirt. To my dismay, she used her skirt to farm Sockeye salmon. While was mildly successful, I think she lucked out. She would have made millions if she actually used some sort of net enclosure.
Oh, I've got to slow up, I'm always in a rush
What if these strangers are really my lessons?
In a little while heaven's gonna be enough
Baby, I should be thankful 'cause I'm being so ungrateful
For all of these strangers
What if they're angels?
This touching piano ballad chronicles Mickie James' everyday adventures, which are halted by the strangers in her life. She encounters a man who is taking up her time, asking her for exactly ten cents. At this moment, I empathize with her. Whenever poor people ask me for a specific amount change, they become such a hassle. I put my money towards singing a song about them instead. Next, Mickie wonders why a girl is holding up the line, causing her to be late for her podiatrist appointment. Suddenly, Mickie wonders if these strangers are helping her, rather than hurting her. In the span of one minute, she has a change of heart. These people are angels.
This song in itself is a worthwhile life lesson. The next time a man comes up to you asking for ten cents, thank him for interfering in your daily activities, then walk away. If a woman is holding up the line, offer to help by asking what's wrong, then cut in front of her. Sometimes, strangers can be angels in disguise. Other times, they are selfish, inconsiderate jerk faces.
Leave me more than satisfied
Make me feel like a woman
I'll show you what a real woman feels like
Hold one end of the tin can phone for a second. When I agreed to listen to this song, I didn't agree to do anything more. I'm reviewing this music and nothing else, yet Mickie James wants me to make her feel like a woman. To be honest, I'm not sure I know her well enough to do that for her. What kinds of food condiments does she like and dislike? I’m scared. If I have to compromise my morals and tire myself out for the sole purpose of feeling her, what I will I have to do once I feel her? This predicament is a slippery slope in more ways than one.
Based on shampoo and tampon commercials, normal women like to frolic in their underwear and splash blue urine on absorbable objects. Almost every woman I have met in my life has enjoyed partaking in similar activities. As for Mickie James, she wants to use me as her personal lovemaking robot. I am not a light switch that she can turn on and off whenever she feels like it. I am a faucet with faulty knobs. I often leak. Leave me alone, Mickie. I'm suing this song for sexual harassment.
And baby don't you know the truth is
I’m hoping your heart will catch fire when I do
When I do
'Cause I'm fallin' all over again for you
Thanks to "Fallin' Over Again," I won't have to look at myself in the mirror in shame, my body used and abused for the earthly pleasures of another. Mickie has found love again. Run through the streets and ring the church bells, everybody. She is willing to take back Ken Doane and let Johnny, Mitch, Nicky, and Mikey return to their guest room. Finally, I can take off my chastity belt and my backup chastity belt. You can never be too careful. I heard bears are attracted to unprotected crotches.
Backed by that dependable Southern twang, Mickie James says that she counts Ken Doanes in her sleep, not sheep. Because I am aware of only one Ken Doane on this planet, I disagree with her methods. Mickie must be the easier sleeper ever. If I were her, I would count sheep ten out of ten times. Twenty of my acquaintances are sheep, though most think of themselves as close friends. Yeah, right. They’re not coming to my birthday party. They’ll just eat my cake and leave.
Forget about dinner, just let it burn
I'm gonna be a little busy taking my time
Whatever you want, baby, I'll let you decide
Listening to the second part of this album, I am beginning to notice a theme. Country music is about love lost and gained, but Mickie James is looking to get in on that good stuff. Her version of loving seems to involve two things: ruining food and letting one person take complete sexual advantage of another. Strangely enough, I sensed that the WWE Originals album had the same theme (especially Kurt Angle's "I Don't Suck" and Rey Mysterio's "Crossing Borders"), though this song drives the message home in four minutes.
During the chorus, Mickie tells her lover that will she barely let him get through the door before getting it on with him. To me, that statement makes Mickie sound like a hypocrite. In one song, she expresses her dislike for people who hold her up in life, yet she is one that is holding up her lover in "When You Come Home Tonight"? Then again, is that the point of the song altogether? Perhaps Mickie is the stranger who turns out to be a kind, friendly, and sex-starved angel. This album kind of somehow makes a little bit of sense now. Regardless, she should stop wasting food.
And it won't be your heart that breaks
Never in my life have I been this verbally and physically threatened until I listened to “Strangers & Angels.” Mickie's "I'm No Good At Pretending" carries on the feel-good pattern of a songstress demanding something from somebody, then attacking that person whether he gives it to her the right or wrong way. I fear for the lives of her past, present, and future lovers. Run away while you can because she has more than one album in her. In two years, she might be good at pretending. What will you do then?
I should have known that Mickie James was insane, but I always gave her the benefit of the doubt. Now that the angel has shown her strange face, the world of wrestling and music will never be the same. The Mickie James Country Music Jamboree has begun and we are all invited to the fun and fatal festivities. I should have told someone. I should have told everyone, but who would have believed me? For the sake of all that is holy, she put on her hand on Trish Stratus' feminine junk, then licked her fingers. It's too late to apologize. We need to go back, but we can’t.
Can't you believe that my all was enough?
My heart is broken and my face is in my hands
So many unspoken words I'll never understand
Mickie James is a piece of work. After abusing the majority of the male population and I throughout this album, Mickie says that we shouldn't bother apologize for our behaviour. You see, this gradual break-up has brought her to tears. Somehow, we are equally responsible for the end of the relationship, yet all we did was sit back and let her ruin our shelter, food, and clothing. She did the opposite of what the Oregon Trail computer game taught us to do, leaving our relationship to die of dysentery.
Even though her sentiments seem genuine, she has proven in the past to be a indecisive and manipulative woman. I wouldn't be shocked if she took us back, set our homes on fire, and locked us inside, creating charred graves of lies and broken promises. This "Strangers & Angels" business needs to stop. As we approach the last track of the album, I beg of her to conclude this musical travesty on a positive, non-threatening note.
You must think that I am like a smart bitch
When you step across that line
'Cause this bitch is gonna cut you down to size
Teach you not to mess with what's mine
You dumb bitch
Well, that was unexpected. On the final track of "Strangers & Angels," Mickie James addresses a certain wife of a current and popular WWE Champion. Mickie claims that his wife should not have messed with her, partly due to the fact that she is an intelligent bitch. That argument sounds valid. As for this current and popular WWE Champion, I suggest he stop associating himself with any type of bitch. That way, he wouldn't have these problems. He has 99 Problems and the bitch is the 1st to 99th problem.
Upon a third, fourth, and fifth listen to this song, I do not encourage young females to purchase this album. If you look up to Mickie James, I urge you to find another role model. By listening to this kind of music, you're going to grow up and sing about another woman's slutty shenanigans. Although "Slutty Shenanigans" is the perfect name for a Irish punk band, do not give Irish punk bands any of your good ideas. You're going to make things worse for you, that other woman, and that Irish punk band.
This album will change the way you think about bitches.
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