World Heavyweight Championship Match Jack Swagger (c) vs. King Hippo
Hey look, it's the king of all the hippos Just act casual even though you've never seen a king of hippos before Yeah, it's the king of all the hippos Come on — they don't show The Biggest Loser on Hippo Island
Get ready to fight him 'Cause you'll never know If punch him hard enough in the navel To canvas, he'll go It's the king of all the hippos
The Question: Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
CM Punk's hair grew back pretty fast. It looks like a mask.
As far as I know, I am a human. When you cut me, I bleed. More often than not, I bleed blood. Because you can read this sentence, I am going to assume that you are a human as well. You bleed like any other bleeding individual. In my dangerous line of work (professional wrestling analysis), blood is a common sight for me. If you are not bleeding, you are not analyzing. With that said, that does not mean I want to see blood in wrestling. Thankfully, WWE's no-blood policy has and will continue to put a stop to the bloody madness.
You see, children are fragile creatures. They must be taught the rights of life before they embrace the wrongs. As a child, I witnessed wrestlers bleed for dramatic effect, only for those images to tarnish my innocent mind. Once I entered elementary school, all I knew about life came from watching violent wrestling on television. Every time I met someone new, I greeted them by bashing him or her in the face with a steel chair. When they bled, I deemed them worthy enough to become my friend. If hardcore wrestling fans have their way, our children and our children's children will be running around, hitting each other with chairs and the chairs of their children's children. Do you want that? Do you want multi-generational chair greetings, occasionally involving time travel to acquire chairs from the past, present, and future? I sincerely hope not.
Of course, prohibiting blood from WWE programming cannot entirely stop the bleeding. As long as wrestlers have blood, they will have the ability to bleed. However, at least a wrestling promotion has the guts to do what any respected company should do — raise and protect children that are not theirs. If your children are watching WWE, they are living under WWE's roof and must abide by their rules. They can only watch television on Mondays, Tuesdays, Fridays, and some Sundays. They must buy every piece of merchandise featuring their favourite wrestler. Last but not least, they must believe that the majority of people bleed candy.
I urge hardcore wrestling fans to realize that times have changed. Their brand of violence is dead. Parental guidance is goodness. The general public thinks blood is icky and gross; I tend to agree. If they don't need blood, you and I can live healthy lives without blood, too. Thirty minutes ago, I drained my entire body of blood and I feel perfectly jumping spaceship monkey wheelbarrow.
Fun Facts About Blood:
- Blood is a red fluid that sends oxygen and nutrients throughout your body. Apparently, your body is too cheap to hire a professional to do it for you. In other words, blood makes you lazy. - The sight of an action hero's blood gives him a second wind in climatic fights against insecure, foreign antagonists who did nothing wrong. - The average man has approximately 5.6 litres in his body. The average, American-made man has 0.8 litres of blood in his body and 4.8 litres of mysterious blue and white liquids. The average lifespan of an average, American-made man is a patriotic yet brief two minutes. - The average woman has about 4.5 litres in her body. According to Michael Cole's blood, a WWE Diva's blood is sexy, smart, and powerful. - Bonus fact: Michael Cole’s blood can talk. "Good grief," says Jerry Lawler's blood. - "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair's blood has bled skin in 99% of his wrestling matches.
Not So Fun Facts About Blood:
- If you are a Southern belle like many WWE Superstars, the sight of blood will make you fan yourself with a lace fan. Next, you will gingerly collapse onto the ground and say, "Oh, the vapours." - At an early age, watching wrestlers bleed is the leading cause of bleeding children. Accidents on the playground or in the household are not responsible. - Time is faster than blood at healing wounds. Time is already money. In conclusion, time is a greedy bastard. - If an adult's blood vessels were laid end to end, that wouldn't be convenient at all. - The act of “blading” involves cutting oneself to draw blood out of the body. This practice inspired the modern art of "rollerblading,” which involves punishing oneself with repeated viewings of the 2002 remake of Rollerball. Shane "Here Comes The Rollerball" McMahon and Paul "Rollerjam Man" Heyman give excellent performances.
Advantages of Blood in Wrestling:
- Continual support of voluntary bloodletting in professional wrestling matches supports the struggling, razor blade black market. - Bloody wrestlers inspire children at home to cover their faces in their own blood, taking money right out of the pockets of crimson mask manufacturers. - The appearance of blood in a WWE-sanctioned match causes a referee stoppage, giving fans a break from the constant, fast-paced wrestling action. Can they momentarily close up that guy's wound with glue? I’m not sure. I'm too busy taking a breather. I tried to breath during those Burn Notice promos, but only characters were welcome there. They said nothing about breathers. - Wrestling rings have proven to contain super-absorbent polymers that can soak up and trap any amount of blood. This discovery has created a new market for lady's wrestling rings. If you're flowing, get your personal ring crew to put a lady's wrestling ring on it. - If you are a psychotic, lesbian stalker looking to improve your kissing techniques with your unconscious idol, bleeding from the nose can be quite beneficial to your cause.
Disadvantages of Blood in Wrestling:
- Minimal to zero appearances by Doctor With Gloves. Wrestling's Doctor With Gloves is a dynamic, thought-provoking character who makes you wonder why your family doctor rarely wears gloves when performing check-ups on you. - Soon enough, First Blood Matches will become frequent as World Wrestling Entertainment begins to appeal to an untapped yet dangerous demographic — vampires with their vampire parents' money. - Chalices filled with blood distract vampire clan leaders from extinguishing rings of fire. Usually, they just step over them while grinning in an evil manner. Vampire clan leaders with puffy white shirts have been the number one cause of entrance ramp fires since 1999. Gothic lackeys in pleather are the number two cause of entrance ramp fires, followed by large bald guys who used to wear cool masks. - Bleeding from the mouth makes undead zombie things think twice about sticking out their tongues, thereby lowering their self-esteem. The last thing an undead zombie thing needs is self-doubt. - Blood is often symbolic of a wrestler's personal sacrifice in the ring, similar to music made by a kneeling Scott Stapp.
Famous Moments in Wrestling Which Involve No Blood Whatsoever:
- At WrestleMania 13, a submission match between Stone Cold Steve Austin and Bret "The Hitman Hart" came to a dramatic finish. As Hart locked Austin in his patented Sharpshooter, a new megastar was born. A Clamato-drenched Stone Cold refused to submit before losing consciousness. Wrestling historians believe that the robust combination of clam and tomato increased Austin's threshold for pain. - Arguably, WrestleMania XIX's most iconic image was a lead-pipe-wielding Vince McMahon — covered in strawberry syrup after violently devouring an ice cream sundae — peering over the ring apron. Unlike his spoon-wielding opponent (Hulk Hogan), Vince McMahon had to eat his sundae with a lead pipe. The act of eating his sundae with a lead pipe exhausted the WWE Chairman, leading to his eventual defeat. - In an infamous promo on Monday Night RAW, Ric Flair boasted to Randy Orton that he could make virgins read. Good for Ric Flair, getting young ladies interested in literature. Devirginized people will never appreciate Nicholas Sparks like these girls do. - During a 2002 Hell in a Cell Match between Brock Lesnar and The Undertaker, Lesnar nailed his opponent in the face with a set of ring steps. The impact did not open up The Undertaker to the point where he bled into Lesnar's mouth, but did result in the Deadman turning black and white while profusely sweating cherry Gatorade. With his thirst quenched, Brock took the win and the title. Atop the hellish cell, Lesnar celebrated his victory by smearing the drink all over his chest. - The first Hell in a Cell Match featured Shawn Michaels and The Undertaker. This match occurred at one of my favourite Pay-Per-View events in WWE history — Badd Ketchupp.
Despite her recent release from WWE, the legend of internet darling Mickie James will go on forever, much like Kate Winslet's heart in Titanic. Following Mickie's stint in World Wrestling Entertainment has been a pleasure. Her evolution from a psychotic fangirl with homosexual tendencies to a lady who smiles and jumps around a lot in the same clothes four weeks in a row was a highlight of modern-day, wrestling television. Surely, her sudden departure has left a gaping hole in the WWE Divas' division for years to come.
After all these years, you would think that the bond between Mickie and wrestling was everlasting, but things change. People change. One day, you're winning championships, making a ton of money, and seeing the world. The next day, you're wearing wings while a blurry guy watches you from afar on your first country album cover. For those of you diehard Mickie James who need their fix, let "Strangers & Angels" soothe your soul. Are you a stranger, or an angel? Can't you be both, or are you neither? Who are you anyway? Think about it.
On this edition of The Audible, I shall give Mickie James' "Strangers & Angels" the most critical of critiques. I must admit that I am not the biggest country fan, but I live in a country and have drank its time lemonade. I know what I'm doing. Don't bother reading Rolling Stone or Pitchfork because they're not going to be honest with you. I have been reviewing wrestling-related music for a while now. If you can't trust me, you might as well not trust anyone.
I want "Strangers & Angels" to be the Space Jam Soundtrack of our time — a brilliant masterpiece from start to finish that encourages youngsters to model themselves after Michael Jordan. You might think that I have high expectations for this album, but I think you have low expectations. I know "Strangers & Angels" will make children want to be like Mike. I just feel it. If this music makes them want to be like Scottie Pippen, I'm so out of here.
Track 1: Are You With Me?
I drive a Chevrolet pickup truck American made, that's how I was raised up I like the boys with the Southern drawl Lord knows it's sexy when they say, "Hey y'all"
As a fan of country music, have you ever thought to yourself, Man, that Gretchen Wilson is proud to be a redneck, but what would a less popular, cookie-cutter imitation have to say? With "Are You With Me," Mickie James has arrived to field that question. Unlike her predecessors, Mickie James is a country girl who enjoys partying in an American fashion.
Her hobbies include not involving herself in politics, looking at cornbread on a plate without eating it, and the fine and illegal art of "stop sign bullet hole." If you're not with her, she doesn't exactly have a solution for you. On her behalf, I must apologize. She's too busy having fun only one day a week and speeding her Chevrolet pickup truck down to nowhere in particular. Also, doesn't mind being American. Yeah, yeah, yeah-ah-ah. It’s a party in A-mer-i-ca.
Sounds Like: A police officer giving a speeding ticket to a stranger.
Track 2: Hollywood Movie Moment
I left the diamond ring on the table Threw dinner on the floor Packed up everything I was able I don't need this no more
In this song, Mickie James' love for seeing cornbread on a plate without eating it has been lost. Ken Doane (her former fiancé) did something adulterous a long time ago. His wrongdoing forced Mickie to give back her engagement ring and beloved, engagement cornbread. Ken Doane had some explaining to do, but he blamed his cheating ways on his headband. For Mickie, the moral of this story is to never plan to marry a man who wears a security headband to get through the day. If you believe otherwise, prepare to lose some precious engagement cornbread to your kitchen floor.
Apparently, Mickie's break-up with Kenny makes a suitable Hollywood movie moment, comparable to Marilyn Monroe's break-up with Joe DiMaggio. Mickie is so confident in her claim that she thinks she could have sold tickets to the show. I don't know about you, but if I paid twenty bucks plus refreshments to see a woman angrily and poorly drive away from a pile of Ken Doane’s burning clothes, I wouldn’t be happy. I would most likely ask for a refund or voucher for a future screening of Khaluber.
Sounds Like: An angel is wasting perfectly good cornbread.
Track 3: I Call The Fight
I just can't get used to living in this ring Round after round with no referee And I'm tired of having no one in my corner Blood, sweat, and tears are falling and no one to wipe me down
Right at the start, I am giving this song bonus points for the inclusion of a mandolin. Although Mickie James might know how to play a mandolin, I am more inclined to believe that she kidnapped one of the Dixie Chicks. Once she untied her from the chair, Mickie made her play mandolin for this decent yet unremarkable song. If the Dixie Chick refused to play on the track, Mickie would threaten her by vigorously complimenting George W. Bush.
In "I Call The Fight," Mickie looks at her strained relationship with you as a boxing match. During this bout, punches are thrown. Each side gets knocked down by the other. People get sweaty and bloody, depending on the time of the month. Floyd Mayweather, Jr. is holding out for more money. In my opinion, the biggest problem with this relationship is that it is sanctioned by the Nevada Boxing Commission. They've got their own issues.
Sounds Like: A stranger taking an angel to the 12th round.
Track 4: Freedom Song
I got a fast car, bass cranked up I got green lights up and down the boulevard I got a fast car and I know how to drive it
I highly recommend this song to country music fans who are looking for a metaphysical listening experience. Wait, who I am kidding? Country music fans are always looking for a metaphysical listening experience. Silly me. Mickie James' "Freedom Song" consists of her singing a song about driving along to a "Freedom Song" in her car. In other words, Mickie is singing about the song she is singing about in the song. You don't see me right now, but I am a baboon. I am holding up a baby lion cub on a cliff while celebrating the life of his father and deceased grandfather. Elton John is backing me up. The circle is complete.
During the second verse, Mickie James insists that she has a leather skirt and knows how to use it. Mickie is a grown woman. At the very least, I hope she knows how to use a leather skirt. If she needs to tell me this fact through song, I am worried for her well-being. I knew a girl in high school who had a leather skirt. To my dismay, she used her skirt to farm Sockeye salmon. While was mildly successful, I think she lucked out. She would have made millions if she actually used some sort of net enclosure.
Sounds Like: An angel whose knowledge about leather skirts has come into question.
Track 5: Strangers & Angels
What if these strangers are telling me something? Oh, I've got to slow up, I'm always in a rush What if these strangers are really my lessons? In a little while heaven's gonna be enough Baby, I should be thankful 'cause I'm being so ungrateful For all of these strangers What if they're angels?
This touching piano ballad chronicles Mickie James' everyday adventures, which are halted by the strangers in her life. She encounters a man who is taking up her time, asking her for exactly ten cents. At this moment, I empathize with her. Whenever poor people ask me for a specific amount change, they become such a hassle. I put my money towards singing a song about them instead. Next, Mickie wonders why a girl is holding up the line, causing her to be late for her podiatrist appointment. Suddenly, Mickie wonders if these strangers are helping her, rather than hurting her. In the span of one minute, she has a change of heart. These people are angels.
This song in itself is a worthwhile life lesson. The next time a man comes up to you asking for ten cents, thank him for interfering in your daily activities, then walk away. If a woman is holding up the line, offer to help by asking what's wrong, then cut in front of her. Sometimes, strangers can be angels in disguise. Other times, they are selfish, inconsiderate jerk faces.
Sounds Like: An angel is taking the last shopping cart in the store. What a douche.
Track 6: Make Me Feel Like A Woman
Now don't you hold back nothing Leave me more than satisfied Make me feel like a woman I'll show you what a real woman feels like
Hold one end of the tin can phone for a second. When I agreed to listen to this song, I didn't agree to do anything more. I'm reviewing this music and nothing else, yet Mickie James wants me to make her feel like a woman. To be honest, I'm not sure I know her well enough to do that for her. What kinds of food condiments does she like and dislike? I’m scared. If I have to compromise my morals and tire myself out for the sole purpose of feeling her, what I will I have to do once I feel her? This predicament is a slippery slope in more ways than one.
Based on shampoo and tampon commercials, normal women like to frolic in their underwear and splash blue urine on absorbable objects. Almost every woman I have met in my life has enjoyed partaking in similar activities. As for Mickie James, she wants to use me as her personal lovemaking robot. I am not a light switch that she can turn on and off whenever she feels like it. I am a faucet with faulty knobs. I often leak. Leave me alone, Mickie. I'm suing this song for sexual harassment.
Sounds Like: A stranger wants to violate my angelic areas.
Track 7: Fallin' Over Again
I'm fallin' all over again for you And baby don't you know the truth is I’m hoping your heart will catch fire when I do When I do 'Cause I'm fallin' all over again for you
Thanks to "Fallin' Over Again," I won't have to look at myself in the mirror in shame, my body used and abused for the earthly pleasures of another. Mickie has found love again. Run through the streets and ring the church bells, everybody. She is willing to take back Ken Doane and let Johnny, Mitch, Nicky, and Mikey return to their guest room. Finally, I can take off my chastity belt and my backup chastity belt. You can never be too careful. I heard bears are attracted to unprotected crotches.
Backed by that dependable Southern twang, Mickie James says that she counts Ken Doanes in her sleep, not sheep. Because I am aware of only one Ken Doane on this planet, I disagree with her methods. Mickie must be the easier sleeper ever. If I were her, I would count sheep ten out of ten times. Twenty of my acquaintances are sheep, though most think of themselves as close friends. Yeah, right. They’re not coming to my birthday party. They’ll just eat my cake and leave.
Sounds Like: An angel has knit a headband for her stranger.
Track 8: When You Come Home Tonight
We won't need candles, we won't need words Forget about dinner, just let it burn I'm gonna be a little busy taking my time Whatever you want, baby, I'll let you decide
Listening to the second part of this album, I am beginning to notice a theme. Country music is about love lost and gained, but Mickie James is looking to get in on that good stuff. Her version of loving seems to involve two things: ruining food and letting one person take complete sexual advantage of another. Strangely enough, I sensed that the WWE Originals album had the same theme (especially Kurt Angle's "I Don't Suck" and Rey Mysterio's "Crossing Borders"), though this song drives the message home in four minutes.
During the chorus, Mickie tells her lover that will she barely let him get through the door before getting it on with him. To me, that statement makes Mickie sound like a hypocrite. In one song, she expresses her dislike for people who hold her up in life, yet she is one that is holding up her lover in "When You Come Home Tonight"? Then again, is that the point of the song altogether? Perhaps Mickie is the stranger who turns out to be a kind, friendly, and sex-starved angel. This album kind of somehow makes a little bit of sense now. Regardless, she should stop wasting food.
Sounds Like: A stranger-turned angel, hall-thrusting someone to the bedroom.
Track 9: I'm No Good At Pretending
You just make one more mistake And it won't be your heart that breaks
Never in my life have I been this verbally and physically threatened until I listened to “Strangers & Angels.” Mickie's "I'm No Good At Pretending" carries on the feel-good pattern of a songstress demanding something from somebody, then attacking that person whether he gives it to her the right or wrong way. I fear for the lives of her past, present, and future lovers. Run away while you can because she has more than one album in her. In two years, she might be good at pretending. What will you do then?
I should have known that Mickie James was insane, but I always gave her the benefit of the doubt. Now that the angel has shown her strange face, the world of wrestling and music will never be the same. The Mickie James Country Music Jamboree has begun and we are all invited to the fun and fatal festivities. I should have told someone. I should have told everyone, but who would have believed me? For the sake of all that is holy, she put on her hand on Trish Stratus' feminine junk, then licked her fingers. It's too late to apologize. We need to go back, but we can’t.
Sounds Like: An angel giving a stranger the taste of the back of her hand.
Track 10: Don't Apologize
Baby, tell me how this love got so tough Can't you believe that my all was enough? My heart is broken and my face is in my hands So many unspoken words I'll never understand
Mickie James is a piece of work. After abusing the majority of the male population and I throughout this album, Mickie says that we shouldn't bother apologize for our behaviour. You see, this gradual break-up has brought her to tears. Somehow, we are equally responsible for the end of the relationship, yet all we did was sit back and let her ruin our shelter, food, and clothing. She did the opposite of what the Oregon Trail computer game taught us to do, leaving our relationship to die of dysentery.
Even though her sentiments seem genuine, she has proven in the past to be a indecisive and manipulative woman. I wouldn't be shocked if she took us back, set our homes on fire, and locked us inside, creating charred graves of lies and broken promises. This "Strangers & Angels" business needs to stop. As we approach the last track of the album, I beg of her to conclude this musical travesty on a positive, non-threatening note.
Sounds Like: A stranger's death will become the next unsolved mystery.
Track 11: Dumb Bitch
You're a dumb bitch You must think that I am like a smart bitch When you step across that line 'Cause this bitch is gonna cut you down to size Teach you not to mess with what's mine You dumb bitch
Well, that was unexpected. On the final track of "Strangers & Angels," Mickie James addresses a certain wife of a current and popular WWE Champion. Mickie claims that his wife should not have messed with her, partly due to the fact that she is an intelligent bitch. That argument sounds valid. As for this current and popular WWE Champion, I suggest he stop associating himself with any type of bitch. That way, he wouldn't have these problems. He has 99 Problems and the bitch is the 1st to 99th problem.
Upon a third, fourth, and fifth listen to this song, I do not encourage young females to purchase this album. If you look up to Mickie James, I urge you to find another role model. By listening to this kind of music, you're going to grow up and sing about another woman's slutty shenanigans. Although "Slutty Shenanigans" is the perfect name for a Irish punk band, do not give Irish punk bands any of your good ideas. You're going to make things worse for you, that other woman, and that Irish punk band.
Sounds Like: A bitch.
The Verdict: **1/2 This album will change the way you think about bitches.
Ted DiBiase's abrupt transformation into the next incarnation of "The Million Dollar Man" is rather exciting. In professional wrestling, I look forward to two things and two things only. First of all, I enjoy compelling storylines that lead to fast-paced, dramatic, and decisive matches. Secondly, I love it when trust funds kick in after WrestleMania. An average fan decorates his room in wrestling memorabilia. As a professional wrestling analyst, my entire palace is covered in iconic photos depicting trust funds kicking in after WrestleMania.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm enthralled by this particular aspect of wrestling. If I had to guess, I would say that it might have something to do with my own trust fund. Unfortunately, my trust fund was supposed to kick in after Judgment Day. Thanks to World Wrestling Entertainment, I will never know what it's like to be like Ted DiBiase. Therefore, I have no choice but to live vicariously in his shoes. I think his shoes feel uncomfortable yet rich, similar to a pimp coat made out of jagged diamonds.
I know what you're thinking — Ted DiBiase is okay and all, but wouldn't you rather be someone better? I disagree, your thoughts. Ever since Ted adopted his new identity, I have tried to figure out how to model my own life after him. After consulting my team of researchers and scientists, I think I have found a way. Sometimes, you have to spend money to get money suddenly handed to you by a WWE writing team. Cody Rhodes never learned this lesson, which is why he can't afford knee pads and a second elbow pad. Randy Orton sort of learned this lesson until he visited a cheap tattoo parlour. Now, the ink has run all over his arms. That slow-drying ink is no good.
The road to becoming "The Million Dollar Son" is an arduous one, full of potholes, plot holes, cracks, forks, and a nonsensical, one-time appearance from your brother Brett. To take the road more travelled is safe, but to take Ted's route will allow me to see my brother Brett for once. We lost touch over the years. What happened, you ask? Life happened.
Tip 1: Get Yourself A Million Dollar Father
Ted DiBiase Sr's generous treatment of his son proves that money can buy you love and happiness. In this world of wrestling, you need a million dollar father in order to become a quality, million dollar son. If your father has a four-figure salary, ask him to take a second, third, and fourth job to bring his income up a few more figures. If your father has a five-figure salary, ask him to engage in some narcotrafficking on the side to get himself over the six-figure hump. He must mingle with the shady Colombians and attend Colombian Tupperware parties when invited. He must buy or rent a white suit, complete with dress shirt featuring an abnormally large and wide collar.
For those of you with a father who refuses to do these things for you, I'm sorry. He doesn't love you. For those of you with a father who actually wants to help, get him working. You're got no work to do.
Tip 2: Have The Same Name As Your Million Dollar Father
You took your father's money, wisely using a portion of it to begin production on a series of WWE films entitled The Marina. You cast yourself in the title role, playing a harbour trying to save a kidnapped yacht from the evil Indonesian Yacht Racing Team. Critics are ready to praise your excellent docking skills, but is that enough? Absolutely not. Your father's money can only take you so far. You will need your father's name to match and surpass his achievements. As Ted DiBiase once said, he is not his father's son. Ted's father is his son's father. His mother remains the same person. Their dining room has turned into a second living room, though.
With your new persona, you're not a junior anymore. Junior stands for second. Junior means inferior. You are the hybrid car to your father's gas-powered sedan. By taking out the junior from your name, everybody will automatically forget about your dad. That's a rule. Ever since Ted DiBiase came into WWE, I forgot who his father was. For a second, I thought that I was his father, but Maury sent me the results a few moments later. I was relieved, yet somewhat disappointed. Can I still love him as if he were my own? I need some time to think.
Tip 3: Get Yourself A Million Dollar Belt
Dear average individual living on Earth; you are not the son of Ted DiBiase, Sr. I thought you knew that, but there you go. While your average father might be a nice person, he most likely does not have any Million Dollar Belts lying around the house. If he doesn’t have one, you will need to get your own. Please keep in mind that stealing the DiBiase family’s Million Dollar Belt will not do the trick. You must acquire that belt the old fashioned way. Without hesitation, you must fight through the money ranks until you beat the richest man in the world in a sanctioned championship match.
Because you are just starting out, you will start at the bottom of the card, battling for the Ten Dollar Belt against a seven-year-old girl selling lemonade. Once you climb that mountain, you must win the One-Hundred-Dollar Championship against a twelve-year-old boy with a weekday newspaper route. As you move up the ranks, Richie Rich will be training and waiting for you in Richville, USA. The ladder to wealth consists of rung after run of beating up innocent children. Do what you have to do to get the job done.
Tip 4: Get Yourself A Black Guy
While the sensitive people of WWE understand that the dynamic between "The Million Dollar Man" Ted DiBiase and his servant Virgil was less than politically correct, they also want you to get the most important message about this partnership. Black guys are helpful, which isn't a racist claim to say at all. In fact, it is rather complimentary. Are you telling WWE that black guys aren't helpful? You monster. I bet you never watched The Mighty Ducks. Terry and Jesse Hall were the playmakers to Guy Germaine’s sniper.
In case that the actual Virgil/Vincent/Shane/Curly Bill/Mike Jones has prior engagements, be active and look around your local area for a possible candidate. The next time you come across a large, African-American male, offer him money to run various, demeaning errands for you. If he agrees to help you, I offer you congratulations. You have found yourself a Virgil. If he kills you, I guess you'll have to come back to life somehow and try again. Good luck.
Tip 5: Put Stuff in Envelopes
Once in a while, Puerto Rican brothers are going to require compensation for their dirty work. For the purpose of discretion, you must determine how to compensate them in public without showing the world how much money you truly have. Being that you are a millionaire, you should be able to afford a few, sturdy containment devices, which will discreetly contain this form of compensation. When life gives you Carlito and Primo, you hand them envelopes.
These envelopes do not even have to contain dollar bills or coins. The shapes seen within the envelopes lead me to believe that Ted didn't give the Brothers Colon any money whatsoever. In my opinion, I think Ted satisfied Carlito's craving for apples by giving him an envelope of apple sauce. Also, Ted fulfilled Primo's dream of sporting a grown-up facial by buying Mike Knox's beard before Mike went out the door. Just because you're rich doesn't mean everybody wants your money. Now and again, they will seek envelope sauce and hair in a paper pocket. Pay them back right.
The name's Poochie D And I'm back on the TV Returning from the dead 'Cause doggie heaven couldn't see me in HD
But in these gentler times I'm making gentler rhymes If you think you're so fly Wait, where am I?
The Question: Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
I visit Mickie James' biggest fan with a machete and a machine gun. You know what that means — I'm throwing a Rambo-themed birthday party for Mickie James' biggest fan.
Comic books. Children buy them because they don't like reading pages with a lot of words. Grown men buy them because they love muscly guys with secrets. Despite my inexperience with the comic book world, I am beginning to understand it all. Right now, every superhero is protecting some form of New York City, which is the only place worth saving. Bad guys laugh too long. Also, sexy women are intelligent and prefer little to no clothing. In other words, the comic book world is somewhat unrealistic.
Reading WWE Heroes has changed the way I think about life and myself. For years, I identified with Batman, what with his wealthy background, success with women, and ownership of a credit card made in his likeness. Now that I have seen the enthralling exploits of The Firstborn and The King of Shadows, I'm having a superhero identity crisis. Although I do not have a brother, I have fought a guy who looks exactly like me in World War II. I don't know what happened in the end because I got lost in his eyes, but there was fisticuffs at certain intervals.
As I try to figure out who I truly am, perhaps I will find some answers in the second issue of World Wrestling Entertainment's fantastic comic book series. So far, WWE Heroes has brought us through the ages, connecting an epic blood feud with professional wrestling. At some point in this series, I expect the two worlds to combine into one. The Firstborn and The King of Shadows will not settle their differences in a wrestling ring, but should serve as mentors to The Secondborn and The Prince of Shadows in the second season of NXT.
While this look at the second issue will be The Swerved's last commentary on WWE Heroes, I shall do my best to keep up with future issues. Until then, let us enjoy the paneled fruits of Titan Comics' labour. Those brothers better get along. At the very least, they should act civil towards each other before Flag Day. They have until June 14th to get their act together. They must do it for the flags.
The Undertaker, Beth Phoenix, and Triple H do not take kindly to futuristic clothing racks. This is where The Undertaker's MMA training will come in handy. Futuristic clothing racks only know how to hip hop their abs.
"I Can See The Back of The King's Neck, And I Assure You, For Once He's Not Lying, Folks."
Following a brief recap of the first issue of WWE Heroes, Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler prepare viewers for a WrestleMania main event matchup between Triple H and The Undertaker. Even though Triple H and The Undertaker fought at WrestleMania X-Seven, I am going to assume that this is a new WrestleMania bout. Furthermore, it seems as though the only event that WWE holds is WrestleMania. Join WWE next week for Monday Night WrestleMania, Friday Night WrestleMania, and WWE Vintage WrestleMania hosted by "WrestleMania" Gene WrestleMania.
Ross and Lawler wonder if Hunter and The Undertaker love, like, dislike or hate each other. In my opinion, I think their relationship is purely sexual. Somewhere in the crowd, Reverend Mr. Clean appears after managing to escape the fiery church. Behind him, he ignores the mysterious substance on the women's chest and mutters evil words under his breath. Booooong. His statement triggers the ominous toll of The Undertaker's bell, or the introduction of a slow motion, spiritual smoking session.
"It's Triple H! Damn Him!! He's Blindsided The Undertaker!"
For a moment, the crowd silently marvels at The Undertaker's entrance. Then, the Deadman's determination to look as displeased as possible is for nought as Triple H is able to attack him from behind with a sledgehammer. In the midst of the ambush, senior referee Mike Chioda intervenes and tries to take the sledgehammer away from Triple H. For his troubles, Triple H hits him in the chin with the sledgehammer. This act effectively eliminates the biggest threat to Hunter's main event spot.
With Triple H momentarily distracted, The Undertaker battles back and punches Hunter in the gut. Jerry Lawler insists that a punch to Triple H's abdomen is a low blow. If Triple H's man-business is positioned that high on his body, I'm not sure why he has been allowed to walk around like that for so long. On the other hand, if Lawler is talking about Triple H's uterus, The King already knows too much.
"A Prince May Walk With Beggars, But His Feet Will Never Touch The Ground."
In the boiler room of whichever stadium is holding WrestleMania CCXXIII, a group of bad guys are toting deadly plastic weapons. At the same time, they have taken several men and women hostage. Every hostage is wearing a maroon shirt. I think we can all agree that if you wear a maroon shirt, you're just asking to be taken hostage. The first lesson I was taught was to look both ways before crossing the street. The second lesson I was taught was to never wear a maroon shirt in a comic book. Thanks, Sesame Street.
Reverend Mr. Clean arrives at the scene and has a brief discussion with his henchmen. They tell him that they have secured all stadium exits. If anyone tries to escape, Reverend Mr. Clean will activate the detonator and send the building to the ground. I know Reverend Mr. Clean wanted to see a fresh main event matchup for once, but blowing up the stadium will not make his wish come true. If need be, Vince would force Triple H and The Undertaker to wrestle over the stadium ruins.
"It is Said That Death is Only the End of the Beginning; And That Beginning is the End of Death."
A pudgy security guard enters the stadium's boiler room while Reverend Mr. Clean is busy shining his hunting knife. The guard wants to know what Reverend Mr. Clean and his henchmen are doing with plastic weapons. In response, Reverend Mr. Clean's henchmen force the guard out of the room. Reverend Mr. Clean determines his fate by asking his henchmen to off the guard.
This sequence proves that Reverend Mr. Clean equally despises pudgy security guards and people in maroon shirts. Recently, Reverend Mr. Clean signed up for eHarmony and found two possible matches. One woman was a pudgy security guard. The other woman wore a maroon shirt in her profile photo. Reverend Mr. Clean switched to Lavalife.
"Poor Triple H! The Referee Should Have Never Allowed That!"
Returning to the ring, the match between Triple H and The Undertaker continues. Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler feel sorry for Triple H, but feel sorrier for Mike Chioda, who may never wrestle in the main event again after Hunter's brutal sledgehammer shot. I think Triple H vs. Chioda could have been our modern-day Austin vs. Hogan. Then again, Steve Austin and Hulk Hogan are still kind of mobile. Perhaps they could return to ring action at the same time and be the new Triple H vs. Chioda.
In the balcony, two henchmen watch the match, blocking the view of irritated fans. These fans are so irritated with the sudden obstruction that they don't see the deadly plastic weapons in the henchmen's hands. Elsewhere, a father accompanies his son to the washroom, only to be stopped by a second pair of henchmen who are blocking an exit rigged with explosives.
The boy must urinate, yet the father wants to be on television. In order to make both of them happy, I am going to produce a game show called Pee Races. In each episode, two fathers cheer on their sons as they weave their streams through a complicated maze. The first son to reach the finish line gets $1,111 and a living room urinal installation in his family’s home.
"What The Hell is Going On Here?"
Reverend Mr. Clean and his henchmen infiltrate the WWE Broadcast Truck. The henchmen move the production crew to the back of the truck as the Reverend redirects the feed. The fact that they have every member of production crew at gunpoint is unsettling. One of them was just chilling on a couch, watching the other guys work. Give that guy a suspension with pay, not a plastic bullet to the head.
Turn Your Eyes Away From Spectacle, That You May Receive The Word From Above."
Reverend Mr. Clean shows up on the TitanTron as Triple H and The Undertaker engage in a lockup. The Undertaker, a manly waitress at a bar, an old guy, and Jerry Mathers' family are simultaneously surprised to see him on the screen. They are big fans, but wonder why Mr. Clean dropped his successful cleaning business to work under the Lord.
The Reverend announces that he has the stadium under his control. He urges everyone in attendance to remain in their seats or feel the wrath of fiery explosions. If you are a young boy with a bladder full of urine, you're not getting to that bathroom. Young boys have terrible aim and Reverend Mr. Clean does not want to retain his cleaning duties. He exemplifies his power by threatening a member of the production crew with a knife. Jerry Mathers' family looks on in horror, partly because this predicament reminds Jerry Mathers of that time Beaver Cleaver got trapped in that gigantic coffee cup.
"For Even False Leaders May Be Found Useful In Dire Circumstance."
Backstage, Edge, Carlito, a blonde Mickie James or regular Kelly Kelly, John Cena, The Big Show, Shawn Michaels, and Batista are freaking out over the Reverend’s declaration. Meanwhile, Rey Mysterio is reading The Zombie Survival Guide because he isn't smart. The bright colours on his ring gear are finally messing with his head. Soon enough, he will have to get a Rey Mysterio tattoo to remind him of who he is.
Reverend Mr. Clean and his cleanliness team confront Vince McMahon and the WWE Superstars. Before Vince can protect his talent from harm, Reverend Mr. Clean knocks him out with the wooden end of an axe. He is using it wrong. After throwing the axe down, he takes the WWE Superstars hostage and leads them to the ring. That's too bad. Rey Mysterio was about to consult The Babysitter's Club: Kristy and the Haunted Mansion for help.
"My Hope is That I Will Shepherd Each of You Out of Here Alive. But My Dream Depends on You."
The Reverend cuts his first in-ring promo with WWE talent in tow. He instructs his henchmen to search the wrestlers for any foreign objects that could be used against him in a violent manner. You see, this is what happens when Reverend Mr. Clean skips a stint in Florida Championship Wrestling. He needs more work.
Fed up with the Reverend's rant, Chris Jericho steps up and begins attacking the henchmen. Despite getting some shots in on one of the bad guys, another man trips Jericho up and drags him out of the ring. As four henchmen restrain him, Reverend Mr. Clean asks them to make another example of Jericho. He says, "Do it backstage." Whether they kill him or make love to him, they will be using knives. They're kinky like that.
Chris Jericho is like the town bicycle. Everyone wants to gang up and make love to it with the assistance of knives.
"Let Us Commemorate His Memory with the Traditional Ten Bell Salute."
Post-knife-y-coitus, Reverend Mr. Clean tells the group to mourn with him, but Triple H wants nothing to do with the ceremony. Chris Jericho has been fatally violated with knives who knows where. The least that Triple H could do is keep his mouth shut for the bell salute.
Hunter gets in the Reverend's face, only to be struck with the ring bell. John Morrison and what looks to be Heath Slater hold Hunter back as they watch the Reverend rub his chin in deep thought. The Reverend has almost no idea who this Heath guy is. He hasn't been watching the product lately. He preferred the Attitude Era.
"For So Far As A Man Walks, He Can Never Escape His Shadow."
Reverend Mr. Clean asks the other WWE Superstars to exit the ring, leaving Triple H with what he calls an "aptly demonic foe." Either Double H is here to get his third H back, or Quadruple H will debut, asking Triple H to take full custody of his fourth H.
Assuring the roster that he will be fine, Triple H and The Undertaker end up being the last two men in the ring. The Undertaker insists that the man who comes out victorious in their unfinished match will be the one who takes out Reverend Mr. Clean. A brief battle ensues, ending with Triple H busting The Undertaker's nose with his knee. This one move knocks out his opponent, leading me to believe that the power never came from The Undertaker's urn. The power came from his septum.
"I Won't Play Your Sick Game.”
An unrecognizable WWE Diva asks why the Reverend is doing these evil things. The Reverend directs her question to Triple H, whom he also knows as The Firstborn. In response, Triple H falls out of the ring or jumps out of it to attack Reverend Mr. Clean. This panel leads to an attack by a Godzilla-sized version of The Firstborn, who sets fire to the city.
In this issue, I feel like I'm getting to know The Firstborn better. The Firstborn is not a fan of big businesses like Spooner Industries and Burto, Incorporated. He supports Mom and Pop stores over Wal-Mart. Good for him.
Read the face that is written on my ball Oh that's my entire body, that's my entire body
It's a shame that this beach has no net An inanimate sphere becomes Tom Hanks' friend I wear this smile even though I have dots for eyes Overhead spike, overhead spike
Ooh These stitches are new and I'll make you serve me Ooh yeah You keep the rally going as long as I don't hit the boundaries Ooh And you put me on a stick And I will watch your beard as it grows thick
The Question: Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
The Swerved is shaved just like Jerry Lawler, except not on its crotch.
AND
Six o'clock doesn't work for me. That's when I have dinner with my family.
Without question, the good people of World Wrestling Entertainment have perfected the entertaining art of professional wrestling. Unlike their competition, Vince McMahon has built and maintained a multi-million-dollar product that is here to stay. Now that they have conquered the wrestling industry, what more could they do? If you said comic books, you must be a witch. As villagers set you on fire in their village square, I would like to congratulate you on a fantastic guess. While you're painfully burning at the stake, feel free to give me any stock tips you might have. Although, please speak up for it will be difficult to hear you over the crackling flames.
The marriage between WWE and comics is long overdue. For years, WWE Superstars have proven themselves to be larger-than-life characters with dynamic personalities and supernatural abilities. By now, one could argue that the fine men and women of WWE are better than the superheroes in your average comic book. Superman can fly and run pretty fast, but how fast is he in jean shorts? Spider-man can climb buildings and shoot webs from his wrists, but when was the last time he shot sledgehammers from his wrists?
I think it's about time that hidden talents like John Cena and Triple H get their chance to shine in the spotlight. With WWE Heroes, wrestling and comic book fans alike will learn how super these men truly are. As for myself, I don't read comic books because girls talk to me, but I am willing to make an exception. For the next few weeks, I will be a comic boy in a comic world. I will be wrapped in something nerdy. It will be fantastic, yet also nerdy.
A wise, old, fictional woman in a okay superhero movie about Willem Dafoe's love for throwing pumpkins at things once told me that great power and great responsibility go hand in hand. Because I only take advice from these type of women in these type of movies, I shall do my part in my analysis of WWE Heroes. I spent upwards of eight dollars on these comics, so they better be worth eight trips to the dollar store. If not, I will be mad.
Kelly Kelly and Michelle McCool are protecting Triple H, or are they protecting Triple H from you?
"And On The Third Day, There Was Blood."
Two guys who look like Triple H are fighting in front of a volcano. I am going to assume that they are fighting over the volcano. One of the Triple H look-alikes uses a rock to hit the other in the face. On the first day, the volcano told one of the Triple Hs that he loved him. On the second day, the volcano expressed his admiration for the second Triple H. This volcano is a playa, y'all. He got two baby mommas.
"And With That Betrayal, The Entire Course of History Shifted Away From Our Lord..."
The grudge between these two brothers — "The Firstborn" and "The King of Shadows" — is compared to the rivalry between The Undertaker and Kane. At some point during their eternal feud, "The Firstborn" must have low blowed his brother, just like how Kane low blowed The Undertaker (as depicted in the comic). After shoving his brother's face in a pit of lava, The Firstborn walks away, expecting payback from The King of Shadows at a later date. Boys will be boys.
If your brother low blows you, I think the joke is on him, though. He had to touch your dangly parts with his forearm, which is almost as bad as getting your face melted by hot molten lava.
"Let The Sum of This Pain Become Too Great for The Firstborn to Ignore."
In a fiery church, Reverend Mr. Clean speaks to his Caucasian congregation. He urges them to wreak havoc in the name of The King of Shadows, indirectly causing pain to his brother. If all goes according to plan, The Firstborn will reveal himself and say, "Hey. What's going on over there? Cut it out, you guys. I'm watching MTV Teen Cribs."
As the congregation leaves, a muscular shape shows up behind Reverend Mr. Clean and gets his attention. Reverend Mr. Clean looks intrigued and aroused, which is what happens to you after several lonely years of cleaning other people's dirty kitchens.
"As Your Synapses Cool and Your Brain Begins to Rot, So Shall I Rip The Memories From Your Little Mind."
In a golden version of Triple H's Barbarian-like armour, The King of Shadows confronts Reverend Mr. Clean. He asks him why he has failed to find The Firstborn. Like Two-Face, half of The King of Shadows' face has been horribly scarred. Unlike Two-Face, I think that The King of Shadows' career is alive and well, King.
The King of Shadows ends Reverend Mr. Clean's life through one-handed strangulation. The Arm and the Hammer from the Arm & Hammer logo are next. Thankfully, Toilet Duck is safe.
"Camelot is Out of Your Reach. You'll Find Nothing Here But Death At My Hands."
We leap forward in time to the year 720 AD, where horses and knights are quietly sleeping on a grassy field. Among the tired masses, The King of Shadows meets his brother. The Firstborn reveals that The King of Shadows destroyed Rome, but will not be able to destroy him, nor his kingdom. Apparently, The Firstborn is King Arthur in this time period. Meanwhile, The King of Shadows stole stuff from a wizard and became Mordred. In Arthurian legend, Mordred was a traitor with a melted Triple H face.
"Stay Out of My Way, Hardy. Orton is Mine."
The battle between The King of Shadows and The Knights of the Round Table is juxtaposed with Batista volunteering to beat up Randy Orton. Sure. Why not?
A blonde Matt Hardy in the best shape of his life, a skeptical Kofi Kingston, the love child of Orlando Jordan and R-Truth, and an unimpressed Drew McIntyre have his back, but Batista wants none of it. He already has his hands filled with two things. Each hand is filled with an ass kicking, but at least one holds a toy as well.
"FOOL!"
FOOL!
"His Fear of My Wrath Has Caused The Firstborn To Don The Guise of a Clown"
Back at the fiery church, The King of Shadows continues to yell at the lifeless body of Reverend Mr. Clean. Due to the lava accident, The King of Shadows' vision is not as good as it used to be. He has 30% vision in his left eye. This impairment is making it difficult for him in his quest to find the fiery church exit.
Shaking Reverend Mr. Clean in the air, The King of Shadows claims that The Firstborn is out there, donning a disguise to deceive them all. If I had to guess, I think The Firstborn is wandering around as either Cactus First or Dude Born.
"The Dead Are Rising. I've Never Seen A Battle Like This."
In the year 1501 AD, soldiers are fighting radioactive cheetahs. At least these radioactive cheetahs have the decency to wear loincloths. Otherwise, I don't believe I could tolerate their violent behaviour.
This century, The King of Shadows is a Mayan king, raising his arms like Triple H. In a soldier’s uniform, The Firstborn runs at his brother like John Cena (if John Cena had a tiny head). On the Aztec pyramid steps, the brothers fight while Hunter and Cena wrestle in the present. The brothers' battle ends with The Firstborn throwing The King of Shadows off the pyramid. In the ring, Cena throws Triple H over the top rope. These fights are similar because Triple H and John Cena are brothers from different mothers.
"Slavery. Is. Wrong. Brother."
We fast forward to 1864 AD as The King of Shadows and The Firstborn fight during the Civil War. Fighting for the Union has turned The Firstborn into Hulk Hogan. The comic compares this fight to a match between The Undertaker and Edge. One day, The Undertaker wanted to achieve independence for Hell's Gate, but Edge wanted none of that. Hell's Gate was and continues to be everyone's gate. Please share.
Allies try to escort General Firstborn off the battlefield, but The King of Shadows grabs a hold of him and continues the fight. He welcomes the general to a new world of shadows and pain, also known as the canopy of a stranger's van. As The Undertaker pins Edge in the present, General Firstborn retaliates with a sleeper hold on The King of Shadows in the past. History books never told me about rest holds in war. History books lied to me.
"He Continues To Elude Me, Josiah — But My Brother Is Not As Clever As He May Believe."
Reverend Mr. Clean has been dead for a while now, but The King of Shadows can't stop talking to him. A dead Reverend Mr. Clean is a pretty good listener. Even though he can't stop rolling his eyes, the amount of sassy talkback is held to a minimum.
Time-travelling through the ages, The King of Shadows has deemed that none of his adversaries is actually his brother. Well, that was time well spent, The King of Shadows. Letting his hatred for The Firstborn guide him, he travels to the year 1944 AD for World War II.
"How's My Size Twelve Feel, Klaus?"
The King of Shadows finds his fallen brother in the sea of bodies and helps him to his feet. Following a brief scuffle, The King of Shadows sends some sort of aqua-coloured beam from his hands to The Firstborn's sternum, creating a vortex.
This World War II fight is equal to the triple threat match at WrestleMania XXIV, which featured John Cena, Triple H and Randy Orton. Even in comic books, John Cena can't stop wearing hats.
"Death is Surprisingly Sweet, Is It Not? I've Had Countless Lives To Get Used To This Stench."
The aqua-coloured vortex in The Firstborn's chest increases in size, but that does not stop him from choking out his brother. Once he is reborn, The Firstborn vows vengeance to counter The King of Shadows' vengeful actions.
Panels later, his aqua-coloured vortex catches fire, leading to The Firstborn collapsing onto The King of Shadow's body during his final breaths. Next time, The Firstborn better keep his aqua-coloured vortexes in check.
"The Fire of My Hatred Has Lit The Way. The Firstborn Has Been Found."
In an act of retroactive continuity, John Cena pins Triple H at WrestleMania XXIV. Returning to the fiery church, a smiling King of Shadows is happy to have found his brother. He appreciates this find so much that he allows Reverend Mr. Clean to live. In his "un-life," Reverend Mr. Clean gives up some of his facial jewelry for one panel, then recovers it in the final panel on the page.
With his shiny jewelry back on his face, Reverend Mr. Clean agrees to do The King of Shadows' bidding. Get him the souls of The Firstborn and Jared from Subway.
