According to the famous tagline, WrestleMania is the showcase of the immortals. Over the years, superstars such as Hulk Hogan, “The Macho Man” Randy Savage, The Undertaker, Stone Cold Steve Austin, The Rock and Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak have cemented their place in the annals of professional wrestling history. At WrestleMania, boys with dreams of gold and stardom become men with excessive income at their disposable and inflated egos. On March 30th, 2008, the Citrus Bowl was home to the grandest stage of them all. As the first outdoor WrestleMania since the universally praised WrestleMania IX, the best WrestleMania ever to feature Jim Ross in a seductive toga, WrestleMania XXIV delivered many memorable moments. When I grow old and senile, I will never forget that time when that guy took that other guy to that place with the thing. Every day for the remainder of my life, the vision of those two people engaging in stuff will never leave my mind.
As the planet turns on its axis and World Wrestling Entertainment treks towards the next installment of WrestleMania, I will take a look back at this year’s spectacular. Was it better than WrestleMania 23? Did it hold a candle to WrestleMania X-Seven, or was it an inefficient candelabra by night’s end? Did Edge defeat the WrestleMania streak? Did Shawn Michaels take Old Yeller behind the woodshed? Did Freddie Prinze Jr. show up? All these questions and more will be answered in the near to distant future.
“America the Beautiful” by John Legend
Four jet planes fly over an overcast sky to cues Lilian Garcia’s introduction. Lilian Garcia is unwilling to speak into microphones unless jet plans fly over an overcast sky. John Legend is a five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time, five-time Grammy winner and a multi-platinum singer-songwriter, just like Lilian Garcia.
John Legend sings his soulful heart out at his piano before the WrestleMania XXIV stage, which appears to be some sort of high definition hotel. To be honest, WWE’s high definition hotels are too ritzy for me.
Shots representing America include:
1) The Washington Monument
2) Lilian Garcia’s four jet planes--The Flying Garcias
3) John Legend singing in the vicinity of a big screen that shows The Flying Garcias
4) The bottom half of the Statue of Liberty due to the camera sweep
5) The WrestleMania XXIV crowd
6) John Legend again
7) The Iwo Jima Memorial Statue
8) A helicopter flying in the desert
9) John Legend for a third time
10) A g-g-g-g-ghost (I have “visions”)
A lot can happen in a year. Some wrestler says, “WrestleMania,” in a serious tone. A lot can happen in a year. More wrestlers say, "WrestleMania,” in serious tones. In other words, nothing happens in a year. Cyber Sunday.
Belfast Brawl
Finlay vs. JBL
John Johnshaw Johnfield emerges from the JBL limousine door with a blank expression. What has happened to JBL in a year? He means business. Also, he has more knowledge about paternal cases than anyone in the company.
Finlay arrives with fancy orange and white boots. He motions to the back to bring out Hornswoggle. If I was a tough Irish wrestler and father to a leprechaun, I wouldn’t put my son in danger. I would let him gather gold for me instead. JBL reacts to Hornswoggle with a furrowed brow. What a slight change of emotion.
Finlay throws garbage cans into the ring, then slides in a couple of Singapore canes. I don’t think Singapore canes should be allowed in a Belfast Brawl, but what do I know? I’m from Lichtenstein. Once Finlay enters the ring, JBL hits him with a trash can. A trash can isn’t Irish either, but JBL can use it because he’s from New York (by way of Texas). JBL continues to pummel Finlay with a cookie sheet in one hand and a trash can lid in the other. This evening, JBL means serious business and doesn’t need to bake any cookies.
JBL brings the steel stairs, which according to the late Gorilla Monsoon, will kill you if you make eye contact with them. JBL attempts a piledriver on the top step, but Finlay reverses with a back body drop.
Finlay returns the favour with cookie sheet shots of his own. Neither one of these men like cookies. Are they mad? As he gains momentum, JBL stops him in his tracks with a boot to the face. JBL seeks to take out Finlay with the shillelagh, only for Hornswoggle to smack him in the back with a Singapore cane; Finlay follows up by taking JBL out of the ring with a stiff shillelagh shot. For the last time, Singapore canes are not Irish, Hornswoggle. Even if you dipped a Singapore cane in a mug of Guinness, it’d still be a Singapore cane. Plus, you’re a leprechaun. The leprechaun code stresses non-violence.
Finlay rolls JBL into the ring and obtains a table to set up in the corner. The two reverse multiple Irish whip attempts until Finlay nails Bradshaw with a Clothesline from an Irish Place in Ireland. As Finlay strives to hit JBL with the steps, Bradshaw rolls under the bottom rope and slaps Hornswoggle. How dare you, Bradshaw. Finlay retaliates by slamming JBL’s head into the RAW announce table over and over again. How dare you, Finlay. I am disappointed in JBL for his random act of violence; I am disappointed in Finlay for his disregard for the well-being of breakable furniture.
Finlay tries a suicide dive, but Bradshaw blasts him in the head with a trash can lid. In addition, JBL takes his frustrations out on Hornswoggle by throwing a trash can at him. I have no words except shameful laughter. Finlay blocks a Clothesline from Hell with a Trash Can from Another Irish Place in Ireland. More trash can lids shots and a rolling fireman’s carry slam follow. Next, Finlay shoves his opponent through the table in the corner. Meanwhile, I am unhappy with the quality of all WWE breakable tables.
Finlay carries the steps over his head, though Bradshaw manages to strike him in the shins with the Singapore cane. For the finish, JBL jiggles off the ropes with the Clothesline from Hell. In response, Hornswoggle is sad. I am right with you, young leprechaun. This bout was no Belfast Brawl. At this moment, I will provide this match with a lame title to prove its lameness. In the end, Finlay versus JBL was a Lamesauce Lamebrawl from Lame-achusetts. Also, it was Y2Cheap.
Rating: **
WrestleMania XXVII's Special Guest Hostess Kim Kardashian Keeps Up with Mr. Kennedy
Reality star, former do-er of Brandy’s younger brother Ray J, and the on-again, off-again love interest of New Orleans Saints’ running back Reggie Bush stands in front of a WrestleMania XXIV backdrop and speaks with the voice of a six-year-old girl. She describes the Money in the Bank Ladder match stipulations with accuracy until Mr. Kennedy interrupts with his big mouth and new warm-up suit. He looks to convince Kim that he will be the winner of this year’s Money in the Bank, but she doesn’t buy it. Look, Mr. Kennedy, if you can’t convince Kim Kardashian, you have already lost.
Money in the Bank 4
John Morrison vs. Carlito vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. CM Punk vs. Mr. Kennedy vs. MVP vs. Chris Jericho
Money in the Bank Entrances at a Glance:
1) John Morrison poses with his WWE Tag Team Title in slow motion. If you look closely, the Citrus Bowl’s screens at balcony level scroll the name Jim Morrison. John Morrison equals Jim Morrison? I have never made the correlation myself.
2) Carlito comes out in his cartoon shirt. I giggle in the face of wrestlers with cartoon shirts. At least he’s wearing different tights.
3) Shelton Benjamin comes out in gold attire for he is the Gold Standard, sports golden hair, and other gold things. Benjamin gets pyro because there ain’t no stopping’ the grandeur of WrestleMania.
4) CM Punk appears in his new skeleton torso shirt. Nobody will buy his shirt for it is anexoric.
5) Mr. Kennedy comes out in his warm-up suit. He doesn’t get to announce his name because microphones don’t dangle from makeshift WrestleMania roofs. Sorry.
6) United States Champion MVP walks down the ramp from his inflatable tent. He swaggers for he knows that he is the only one who gets to use inflatable tents. In conclusion, inflatable tents make the world a better place. Thank you for listening to my second grade presentation.
7) Intercontinental Champion Chris Jericho walks down the aisle in a decorative vest. As you know from his WWE return where he clotheslined a marathon runner, Chris Jericho is a decorative vest fiend.
To start the match, six men exit and fight it out on the outside. MVP takes John Morrison’s ladder and attacks those who try to get back into the ring. MVP celebrates with his ladder by wearing it over his head for a few seconds, then meets Jericho with a larger ladder. Jericho and MVP charge at each other, but Y2J wins out.
Morrison enters the ring and throws the smaller ladder at Jericho’s large ladder. In order to win this match, you must have an undying hatred for ladders. Morrison climbs to the top turnbuckle with the small ladder in his possession and pulls off a moonsault onto the wrestlers at ringside. While the moonsault misses, the move is still fairly cool. The next time a friend of mine asks me to hold his or her newborn in the hospital, I will take the infant and moonsault onto the doctors and nurses. Thank you for the idea, John or Jim Morrison.
Back in the ring, Kennedy and Jericho fight it out. Kennedy reverses Jericho’s slingshot attempt and climbs the ladder. Morrison rides a ladder from the turnbuckle to the middle of the ring and fights with Kennedy under the briefcase. The next time a friend of mine asks me to ride his or her newborn, I will take the infant, ride it to the center of the hospital and punch the doctors and nurses. Thank you again, John or Jim Morrison. Shelton props up another ladder beside the two men. To give a shout out to their best friend forever, Total Nonstop Action, WWE encourages Benjamin to powerbomb Kennedy while Kennedy suplexes Morrison off the ladder. JR calls this move “The Triple Tower of Doom.” Big ups, Sonjay. Holla back, Johnny Devine.
With Benjamin on the ladder, Carlito tries to tip it over, but Shelton manages to stand on the top rope. He shoves the ladder back and knocks Carlito over, then springboards onto a rung. To ruin the spot, Shelton loses his balance and both wrestler and ladder crash to the mat. This time, CM Punk props up a ladder. He fights off Kennedy and snatches Benjamin for the Trip Towards Slumber (Go To Sleep). Once Kennedy steamrolls Punk onto a ladder that lies on the mat, Carlito fights with MVP and Shelton. As Benjamin climbs the ladder, Carlito and Kennedy work as a unit and tip the ladder forward. In the tropical Skittles' “Ow, That Rainbow Tastes Like Crippling Pain” Moment of the Night, Shelton lands back first onto a ladder and breaks it in two. Now I know the ladder was gimmicked, but even I need major surgery for watching this fall.
Back inside the squared circular triangular trapezoid, MVP knocks over the ladder that holds up Jericho, Carlito and Kennedy. He spins around and gets hit by a Morrison ladder throw. Morrison scales up the ladder, but Jericho follows and executes the Walls of Jericho. Now, the ladder version of the Walls of Jericho is super stupendous and all, but Chris does it every ladder match. Does that mean if Jericho invites me over to his place to paint the exterior of his house, and I climb the ladder to reach the nook under his roof, that Jericho will attack me and slap on his trademark submission? Well, no thank you. I decline the hypothetical offer.
Punk and Carlito springboard onto separate rungs to meet Kennedy and Jericho on two ladders. Kennedy takes out Punk with the Mic Check as Carlito gets knocked off, strolls around the ring, and executes the Backstabber on Jericho. I think you're nice guy, Chris Jericho, but if you put me in the Walls of Jericho while I take time out of my busy schedule to paint your house, you deserve the punishment.
All by his lonesome, MVP climbs the ladder and encounters a returning Matt Freakin’ Hardy. The WrestleMania crowd goes nuts and legumes as Matthew runs up the ladder and ruins MVP’s chance at the briefcase with a Twist of Fate. Somewhere in this crazy place we call Earth, Jeffrey Hardy is envious.
With Morrison down in the corner, Jericho wedges a ladder between the first and second rungs of the larger one. He sends Carlito's face into the small ladder, which catapults the ladder upright. While Morrison climbs, Carlito and Jericho tip the ladder over and send him crotch-first on the top rope, right in the dining of hall of John Morrison’s Palace of Wisdom.
Jericho scales the ladder, but Carlito catches up and spits apple in his eye. As Carlito reaches for the briefcase, Kennedy shoves him onto the larger ladder below. CM Punk returns to the ring and hits Kennedy with a ladder of his own, though Jericho uses it against him for the Codebreaker. As far as code breaking techniques go, Jericho’s is primitive at best. Why doesn’t he use a James Bond futuristic watch or something?
Jericho takes ten years to climb the top of the ladder, which gives Punk enough time to punch him. Jericho proves that the briefcase is made of butter as he struggles to smack Punk in the face with it. As he does, Punk stumbles onto the mat and climbs up again. Jericho tries to snatch the briefcase but falls and catches his right leg on a middle rung. With Jericho stuck, Punk takes the briefcase and celebrates. Back in North Carolina, Jeff Hardy wishes to change his name to CM Punk.
In all, an exciting, less chaotic match than last year‘s bout, but one with several mistakes which hurt my viewing experience. If you ask me, I blame Jericho for he is clearly unappreciative of professional wrestling analysts who volunteer to paint his house. Tell you what--Paint_Your_Own_Damn_House.222.
Rating: ***½
Hall of Fame Class of 2008 - Roll Call
Every WrestleMania, Howard Finkel comes out of his cave to announce in front of the world. This year, he casts a shadow, which means that we will see six more months of winter. The class of 2008 is as follows:
1) Jack and Gerry Brisco-Mackman, also known as the Brisco Brothers
2) Gordon Solie, represented by the family of Gordon Solie, Gordon Solie’s family
3) Rocky Johnson because WWE was desperate to have The Rock back on their programming
4) “High Chief” Peter Maivia, represented by his daughter and wife, the latter of whom performs some sort of dance in which she rhythmically squeezes the air
5) Eddie Graham, represented by his son Mike Graham, a failed Alex Trebek impersonator
6) Mae Young, who tries to strip because perverted elderly people are funny, but Mike Graham has seen enough
7) “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair, represented by his children, including a pudgy David Flair
Pope Todd Grisham III Interviews Snoopy the Dogg
The Pope of World Wrestling Entertainment, his holiness Todd Grisham, introduces the WrestleMania audience to the Master of Ceremonies for this evening’s Playboy BunnyMania Lumberjill Match, recording artist and marijuana smoking artist Snoop Dogg. The Pope asks Snoop, “What’s up?” In case you are offended by Pope Todd Grisham using such language from the streets, don’t be. Todd Grisham is a pope. He can do whatever he wants.
Snoop informs Todd that he has found a friend in Festus, who stands beside him stoic and reserved. Santino Marella walks into view to interrupt Snoop Dogg and “Mr. Todd Grishams.” He speculates that Festus has brain damage like Charlie Brown. For your information, "Santino of the Marella," Charlie Brown didn’t have brain damage; he had chronic depression. Santino tries to warn Snoop that he will be present during the match, but Snoop rings the bell. Festus uses his cornfed anger to run Santino off.
When Todd asks where he got the ring bell, Snoop reveals he has a friend in “Mick Fizzle.” Children of North America, refrain from putting “izzle” at the end of words, especially those you include in academic essays. Due to MLA format, teachers do not enjoy such unique language as they prefer you add the formal “eezy.” As Snoop leaves, Foley holds up Mr. Sockizzle and says, “Have a nice dizzle.” People saying things you don't expect them to say are times full of hilarity.
Battle for Brand Supremacy Match
Umaga (RAW) vs. Batista (Smackdown)
Which brand is the best? I am going to guess ECW. General Managers William Regal and Theodore R. Long are present for the fight. Like always, Batista comes out and shoots imaginary bullets with his imaginary machine gun in front of fiery pyrotechnics. Back in my living room, my imaginary friend, Professor Nathaniel Humperdink, is shot and dies in my arms. Why must you ruin his life, sir? He was about to cure the uncommon cold. This imaginary war of yours has resulted in millions of casualties. I hope you're happy.
As Umaga makes his entrance, Regal announces the Samoan Bulldozer as “Youmanga.” Just in case World Wrestling Entertainment decides to change Umaga’s name to Youmanga, let it be known that I am Youmanga’s number one fan.
At the start, Umaga trades punches with Batista, who evades a running splash in the corner and takes the Bulldozer from Samoa out of the ring with a shoulder block. The next minute, Umaga gains the upper hand with a spinning heel kick in the middle of the ring and a straight kick on the apron. While I have never been to Samoa, if they greet you when you get off the plane with a kick to the face, I am going to book my flight very soon.
In the crowd, five fans are dressed up as the Spirit Squad. I am in favour of fans dressing up as the defunct stable, but remember, the one who dresses up as Mitch buys the tickets, food and drink, and the merchandise for the rest of the group because Mitch sucks. The audience in the first five rows or so begin a catchy “Oo-Oo-Umaga” chant, which makes them automatically legendary. The power of Youmanga is in all us while the power of Batista is in some women and Michael Cole.
Umaga holds Batista down with a nerve hold, the official safe-style, mid-match submission of The Great Khali, Good Khali, Miss Molly Productions and all relative subsidiaries. Umaga uses the undying spirit of his newfound fanbase to execute a forceful Samoan drop, but fails to get the pinfall. Umaga grabs Dave’s throat for the Samoan Spike, but Batista blocks the move, sidesteps another charge in the corner, and pulls off the spinebuster. At the end, the Batista Bomb (Falling Backwards Version) wins out for the one, two, three. Smackdown wins. I told you Jimmy Wang Yang is better than Val Venis. You son of a mother.
Umaga versus Batista had great potential, but Batista is a poo-poo head. If they do face off in rematches in the future, let’s hope they won’t disappoint. One day, Youmanga will have his day in the sun. He will feast on the blood of the Gods and become one himself. Youmanga is Mymanga. Youmanga is Ourmanga. So it is said, so it shall be written and so it shall come to pass.
Rating: **
ECW Championship Match
Chavo Guerrero © vs. Kane
Before WrestleMania XXIV, twenty-four men competed in a battle royal to determine the number one contender to Chavo Guerero’s ECW Championship. With Kane and Mark Henry as the final two, Kane kicked Henry out of the ring like a hefty bag of garbage. Here we come, prestigious title. Go, Kane, go. Be big and or red and or a machine.
As Chavo faces the entrance to await his opponent, Kane slides into the ring from the other side. As Chavo runs at him, Kane takes Chavito by the throat and chokeslams him for the victory in about nine seconds. Kane is your new ECW champion because Chavo likes to hang out with TNA wrestlers. What can he say? Sonjay is fun to be around.
Rating: ********** and my youngest born
That’s So Actress, Singer, and Star of Disney’s College Road Trip Raven-Symoné and the Make-A-Wish Foundation's Public Pat on the Back Jamboree
“What’s up, Orlando?” asks Raven. I’m 93% positive that Orlando Bloom is doing fine, but why do you ask? Raven claims that World Wrestling Entertainment has been granting wishes for twenty years, but so far, it has never granted my wish. To those who are curious, I have always to be the influence behind GTV. I know I have no Gs in my name, but WWE could compromise and debut me as GStephen. Anyway, Raven points out fifty kids in the crowd who have had their wishes come true with seats to WrestleMania. She tells them to stand up, despite the fact that the camera focuses on the few children in wheelchairs. Quote the Raven--awkward. Jerry Lawler says, “I am a huge Raven-Symoné fan.” I’m sure you are.
Mike Adamle’s Interview with Ric Flair
Adamle, of American Gladiators fame, asks Flair about his game plan to keep his thirty-five-year career alive. Flair, in a royal blue robe with enough white feathers to fill pillows for the world population, replies with the first half of his catchphrase.
In honour of “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair, I am going fully embrace the persona that has been in development since I began this blog. Let March 30th, 2008 be the date that I become “The Bread Boy” Stephen Rivera. To be the man, you’ve gotta beat the man? Oh, I don’t think so. As The Bread Boy, to eat the bread, you’ve gotta heat the bread. My taunt will involve blowing into the air because the bread needs to cool.
Career Threatening Match
Ric Flair versus Shawn Michaels
Though Shawn is not completely thrilled about the possibility of retiring Ric Flair, he still thinks he is cute and believes he is sexy. How can his theme song talk about aesthetic beauty at a stressful time like this? In his HBK brand hat, he praises the heavens with a WrestleMania pyro display. Excuse me--the Lord prefers the Royal Rumble.
Ric Flair struts down the aisle in his elaborate robe and receives a fireworks show of his own. A sign in the crowd reads “Ric Flair Forever.” Of course, I don’t know if Ric Flair is physically able to live for billions of years, but maybe the wrestling community can event some sort of cryogenic chamber for the charismatic.
WWE gives the refereeing nod to “Li’l Naitch” Charles Robinson, no doubt quite the honour for him. Michaels seeks a tie-up but Ric Flair steps back, runs his fingers through his hair and says, “Woo.” Michaels and Flair exchange hammerlocks until Shawn counters with elbows to the head. As HBK bounces off the ropes, Flair executes a hip toss and “Woos” again. In the corner, Ric Flair mocks Michaels with the Old Yeller comment but Shawn retaliates with a slap. Since The Nature Boy can bleed on command, he begins to bleed from the mouth area. I think Ric Flair has single-handedly provided blood donations for the Red Cross.
A chop and punch exchange ensues. Ric Flair gains the advantage and uses the patented Harley Race-like knee. Flair charges Michaels to the turnbuckles but Shawn catches Ric with an elbow. As he heads to the top turnbuckle, Flair flips him onto the mat. The potential WCW Cruiserweight Champion of the late 90s known as Ric Flair flies off the top turnbuckle with a cross body for the two count. While he attempts the Figure Four, Michaels counters and kicks his opponent out of the ring. On the apron, Michaels misses an Asai moonsault and crashes onto the RAW announce table. The front of the table refuses to break, which hurts me in a Shelton-falling-off-the-ladder kind of way. Along with shilling Skittles, Jim Ross is at his best when he calls these types of matches. If only JR could be this effective and entertaining every week.
Back in the ring, Flair attacks Michaels’ ribs and torso, then pulls off a butterfly suplex and a surprising standing vertical suplex. When a fifty-nine-year-old gives you a standing vertical suplex, please give him props. Jerry Lawler continues to refer to “Old Reference Yeller.” Maybe WrestleMania XXIV is presented by the Old Yeller: Special Edition DVD. Special Edition, you say? That's how they get you. Michaels breaks up Flair’s attack with a swinging neck breaker and a back body drop to the floor. This time, Michaels moonsaults from the top rope. Earlier tonight, Jim Morrison whiffed on a moonsault with a ladder in hand. In turn, Michaels made some contact with the move but still missed. This mistake means that the top rope must be haunted.
Michaels hits Flair in the middle of the ring with a flying forearm and a couple of atomic drops. From the top turnbuckle, he nails an elbow drop. In the corner, prepares for Sweet Chin Music but hesitates to kick Flair. In response, Ric takes Shawn and cinches in the Figure Four to the crowd’s enjoyment. Once Michaels forces a rope break, Flair whips him into the turnbuckles and takes him down with a chop block. A second Figure Four attempt is countered into a small package. Seconds later, a kick by Michaels is countered into the Figure Four. I love the Figure Four. It’s so bad. I use the Figure Four Leglock to get a high score in Rad Racer.
Another chopfest occurs, then Michaels takes out Flair with a second Sweet Chin Music. With HBK in the corner, Flair begs Michaels to bring it on. Michaels stares down at the mat, looks at The Nature Boy and mouths, “I’m sorry. I love you." This line will become one of the more famous statements in the history of WrestleMania and the wrestling industry. After the three count, Shawn Michaels puts an end to Flair’s career.
Immediately following the win, Michaels collapses near Flair. He shares a word with him, kisses him on the forehead, then leaves the ring to let Flair bask in the moment. Flair stands in the ring to blow kisses to the crowd. He exits the ring and ventures ringside to embrace his children Ashley, Megan, David, and Reid, and his wife. Before the segment ends, Flair heads backwards up the ramp and gives his final farewell to Orlando. A simple conclusion to a dramatic and emotional match. If anything, WrestleMania XXIV should be remembered for this bout alone.
Long live The Nature Boy. May you wander around the wilderness, knife-edge chopping acorns from trees and putting racoons in the Figure Four Leglock for all time.
Rating: ****
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