This WWEek in RAWWE: Red, Kerwin White, and Blue & Sing, Skank, Sing

This week, the Swerved reminisces about its first days in the writing-about-nonsense-for-free business. In the summer of 2005, I became the newest guest columnist for the 'Pit. And this was how the world began. In the aftermath of WrestleMania XXIV, I veer away from the current wrestling scene to give you some of my earliest wrestling columns. Yes, I am aware that these pieces are historic, much like the first works of Leonardo Da Vinci, William Shakespeare, and Lilian Garcia, but do not be intimidated. These columns are provided for your entertainment and enjoyment. When you consider my legacy, you must look back on the work that started it all. While I do not call myself a visionary, I did invent vision. You can thank me in a minute.

As I continue to inspire and arouse the wrestling nation with my talents, I look to the future with optimism. I will not rest until the whole industry reads the words and sentences that I am typing from my electronic computer machine. I refuse to call it a day until World Wrestling Entertainment, Total Nonstop Action, and every wrestling company on the planet takes my advice and heeds my warnings. The Swerved wants you to laugh and learn. The Swerved is a public service. Ignore me and you will fail, inanimate wrestling industry. I'm keeping my eye on you. Meanwhile, my other eye is doing something worthy of my time. My other eye is probably watching old episodes of Shotgun Saturday Night. You can do it, The New Blackjacks. You are new. Therefore, you are amazing.


Red, Kerwin White, and Blue --
Kerwin White introduces his associate
(Ooooooh, Chavo. For a brief moment in time, Chavo Guerrero owned the year 2005 with the emergence of Kerwin White, a member of white high society. At the time, he traded in his bandana and decorative ponchos for polo shirts and khaki shorts. In storyline, Kerwin White became Chavo's way to empower his disempowered, Latino self. Most fans thought very little of the gimmick, except me. Like the Spirit Squad, I thought Kerwin White was a clever concept that allowed Chavo to show off his untapped abilities as both a performer and professional wrestler. You see, Kerwin White was a Frank Sinatra soundalike fan who woke up every morning and couldn't wait to embrace the day. He took his coffee by the pool, passed his picket fence, and gazed across his new mowed lawn. In the end, he never thought his life would be this good. Kerwin White spoke infinite truths and wrestled with knee-high socks. Bless you, Kerwin.)

(STAMFORD, CT)--As many are aware, Chavo Guerrero, a multiple-time World Wrestling Entertainment cruiserweight and tag team champion, had a life changing revelation on the July 4, 2005 episode of RAW. The wrestler formely known as Chavito is now to be referred to as Kerwin White. On that episode, Chavo dencounced his Mexican heritage as part of the lying, cheating, and stealing Guerrero family on live television. In the future, he is looking to make a significant impact on Monday nights. To help him in this quest, he has purchased an array of brightly coloured sweaters that will solely be worn tied around his neck. In addition, Mr. White will consume nothing but the whitest of breads.

[Ooooooh, sweaters. I think tying sweaters around your neck is fairly ridiculous. In my view, trying a sweater around your neck is similar to wearing a pair of pants over your foot. I know rich people enjoy the feeling of a neck sweater because it's as if they are being hugged by Tommy Hilfiger all damn day, but as I super rich person myself, I don't see the point. I'd rather hand my sweater over to Regibald (I took two mediocre butlers named Reginald and Archibald and molded them into one super butler) instead.]

"Multi-grain has held me back from reaching my full potential," the talented third-generation performer stated in a press conference held at WWE Headquarters.

(Ooooooh, bread. A bread reference for the game, the set, and the match. Is it any "Wonder" why I'm the best professional wrestling analyst on the internet today? What do they call a million dollars soaked in lemon juice? Sour dough. I'm sorry. I'll be in the corner if you need me.)

White has relocated from El Paso, Texas to a home in Freedomtown, America constructed of white picket fences and apple pie siding. He has halted communications with his friends, as well as his own family. His father, Chavo Guerrero, Sr., was unable for comment. On the other hand, his uncle Eddie responded by taking his remaining supply of Latino Heat and canning it in his basement for later use. On the word from friends close to Eddie, he is quite concerned about Chavo's sudden interest in white America and their insane prices of Latino Heat at $65 dollars per barrel.

(Oooooh, moving days. One day, I'm going to leave my Canadian igloo--where I do nothing but watch hockey, tap maple syrup from trees, and wrestle in Stu Hart's Dungeon against dragons--and move to Freedomtown, America. I hope they have a strict set of rules and regulations in Freedomtown, America. I can't wait to be dictated.)

With that said, the career and sucess of Kerwin White will not be a solitary venture. He has recently called upon the services of a previous ally that is sure to shock and amaze a lot of wrestling fans. Who is it? That individual is none other than the late Pepe, his noble steed from the defunct World Championship Wrestling promotion. He was brought back to life mere hours ago by Mike Wazowski and Sulley from the Pixar motion picture Monsters, Inc. The two computer-generated creatures pieced Pepe together from the remaining scraps found in the aftermath of the WCW wood chipper incident which occurred several years ago. The accident left the former Chavo Guerrero heartbroken, distraught, and slightly less charismatic.

(Ooooooh, memories. When I look back at Chavo Guerrero's run in WCW, I get depressed. Say what you will about the way WCW was run, but during its peak, the company was full of great talent and unique personalities. If you can't admit the fact that hobby horses make wrestling entertaining, you will not be receiving my Christmas card this winter. Next year, when I form my own wrestling company from the spare change I find beneath my sofa cushions, my first order of business will involve the act of giving each wrestler a hobby horse. If they cannot become successful with a hobby horse valet, they are not meant for this business.)

"I'm glad he has returned. It's too early to tell, but I'm sure he's excited to finally be on the right side. From this day forward, let me say that World Wrestling Entertainment is in for a 'Caucasian Invasion.' Am I right? You know what I'm talking about? That's not something in my eye; I'm winking at you. Do you hear me? Those two words rhymed and I used them together. Can I get some love in this mother? Anyone?" White added.

"..." said Pepe, who doesn't speak, think, or have emotions. When another question was asked in his direction, Pepe just stared blindly into space, apparently wondering about all the great things to come.

(Ooooooh, horses. Pepe was a wise horse. He told his followers about how the world came to be. Furthermore, he was a modern day prophet. He predicted the first five American Idols and the winner of the 2008 Presidential Election. To my dismay, Vince McMahon refuses to release a DVD set on Pepe's illustrious career. Then again, the piece would probably be like "The Self-Destruction of the Ultimate Warrior." How the frick could Pepe self-destruct, Vince? Pepe didn't even get the chance to self-destruct. The wood chipper destroyed him first, man. How can Vince be so cruel to wooden sticks that kind of resemble barnyard animals?)

Pepe is expected to join Chavo Guerrero in all aspects of his life. If he does denounce his roots of being a horse on a stick, some say he will change his name to Chesterfield Flannigan. Also, insider sources claim that a tennis racquet or golf club (maybe a driver, but definitely not a putter) could possibly be included to Chesterfield's person to resemble a tail, but nothing is concrete as this time. However you may put it, Chavo and Chesterfield are a duo that will surely change and shake up the foundation of RAW for many millennia.

(Ooooooh, ooooooh. Former Spirit Squad member Nick Nemeth served as Kerwin White's caddy during the gimmick's brief stint on RAW television. Since Pepe's resurrection was not a part of WWE's plan, I would have liked to have seen Nick dress himself up as a horse. With Nick in costume, Kerwin White could have rode him down to the ring. Horses are synonymous with polo, but Kerwin was white. As we all know, rich white people like to do anything that rich white stereotypes like to do. In ascending order, they love to golf, play polo, and ride grown men in horse costumes to satisfy their esquestrian-themed fetishes.)

"As the new and improved Kerwin White, I am really looking forward to becoming WWE World Champion." said Kerwin before reporters left in their respective news ROFLcopters.

(Ooooooh, sidebar. Before I forget, rich white people like to ride grown men dressed in helicopter costumes too. They call it "Bareback Choppering." Splendid. Glorious. They should go right ahead and do whatever that entails.)


This WWEek in RAWWE Trivia:

Q: Did you know that Chavo Guerrero, now known as Kerwin White, once lied to, cheated on, then stole your heart?

A: Yes, and I'll never get it back.


*****


Sing, Skank, Sing:
Christy Hemme for $250,000 RAW Devo Search
(In 2004, Christy Hemme won the first installment of the WWE Diva Search, a contest to determine the next girl to have a sloppy match at a WrestleMania. Unlike fellow competitors Carmella DeCesare, the black hole of charisma, and Joy Giovanni, also known as the Big Show's friend, Hemme ran with her spastic persona all the way to the quarter-million-dollar finish. Although Hemme is not with World Wrestling Entertainment in 2008, memories of her frightening screams of jubilation will ring in my nightmares for the rest of my life. Thank you, Christy Hemme. May you find success and happiness with your impressive body and equally impressive forehead. Please give some of your forehead to the unfortunate women you meet, unlucky to sport twoheads and threeheads.)

(NEW YORK, NY)--Are you an attractive woman? Do you have curves in all the right places? Can guys put their thing in your thing? Are you looking to win a lot of money because of it? If you're willing to wear an energy dome on top of your head too, this may be the contest for you.

(After three years of hard work, I am only able to say, "Absolutely," to three of the four questions. By 2010, looks like my thing will be good to go. Best of luck... to my thing.)

Christy Hemme, the winner of the first RAW Diva Search in 2004, is slated to be the host of yet another quarter-million dollar WWE reality competition. Hemme, a Smackdown diva, will be traded back to RAW sometime within the next few weeks in order to fulfill her duties as host. She will then be traded back to Smackdown, then back to RAW by the end of the month.

(If you ask me--and you do every single day--WWE drafts are pointless. When RAW and Smackdown were differentiated as two brands in 2002, the draft had purpose. Because the rosters were fixed, RAW wrestlers were relegated to RAW and the Smackdown wrestlers were relegated to Smackdown, which kept talent to wrestle on their designated show. Now, one wrestler appears three times per week without notice, despite the fact that he is only assigned to one brand.

RAW gets the better everything anyway. Last year, RAW took my plasma television, seven of my eight girlfriends, and my masculinity. In turn, Smackdown took one of my electric toothbrush batteries for the afternoon.)

Whether the competition is a success or a failure is unknown, but WWE fans of all ages are surely in store for the treatiest of all treats. This year, WWE will begin an extensive search for a female version of the popular synth rock band Devo.

This news means that not one but five women will each be in the running for the $250,000 prize; a grand total of 1.25 million dollars. The event is expected to be one of the most prestigious and lucrative projects in WWE history. During the contest, the competitors will play various musical instruments and perform on RAW on a weekly basis. For the eventual winners, their actual duties are not as linear. Mandatory activities of the chosen female quintet will consist of the following:

1) Stand there and look good
2) Pretend to do stuff and stand there while looking good
3) Perform the hit songs "Working In A Coal Mine" and "Whip It" on the spoons and or milk jug while clad in yellow jumpsuits (if they aren't sleepy or hungry or achy in the back area, and feel like it)

(Sometimes, WWE Divas fail to stand there and look good, which is a shame. Yes, they can pretend to do stuff because they have dedicated their lives to pretending to do stuff, but they must possess some athletic ability too. World Wrestling Entertainment needs to be smart about the women they allow into the Diva Search contest. More Ashley Massaros and less everybody else. What the world needs now is more Ashley Massaros. Hear, hear, I say.)

"Money! Glorious money! Presidents are in every nook and cranny!" said a giggling Vince McMahon, lying provocatively on his bed, drowning in various amounts of United States currency. (Note: For those that wish to watch the video message recorded in Vince's Stamford, Connecticut home, the footage can be found on the official WWE website sometime later this week.)

(Do I think Vince McMahon swims naked in his billions of dollars? No, I don't think at all. Maybe you want me to think that Vince McMahon swims naked in his billions of dollars. Why do you want me to think that Vince McMahon swims naked in his billions of dollars? What kind of person are you? A pervert? Only people who hate America are perverts. Are you anti-American? Only terrorists want others to think that Vince McMahon swims naked in his billions of dollars. Take your banana boat back to Botswana, hater and traitor.)

As a result of the Devo Search, McMahon is expected to release each and every female wrestler in the company, and even some male wrestlers who have feminine tendencies like Trevor Murdoch, in the weeks to come. Meanwhile, stockholders are very excited about this venture as it is their opportunity to witness the McMahon family happily receive substantial cash bonuses. "Maybe they can finally buy those mansion-powered jet skis they've always wanted," said one stockholder in a recent interview I conducted from his cardboard box, made to look like a one bedroom apartment. Next, the stockholder handed me his remaining possessions, which included a half-roll of masking tape and a case of Kraft Handi-Snacks' Cheese and Crackers. In return, I had to promise him that I would not, under any circumstance, let him pawn them for "delicious dog food" or gas money.

(Out of the entire McMahon clan, I'm guessing Shane McMahon likes to use mansion-powered jet skis the most. For optimum performance, mansion-powered jet skis need to run on ten mansions, preferably owned by mediocre athletes. By default, Shane seems pretty daredevilish. After all, he gingerly falls from very high places. Gingerly falling from very high places makes him a risk taker and a fantastic wrestler. I don't know how falling from high places makes him so great. I just know.)

Overall, Christy Hemme seems to be the most excited about the competition. "The Devo Search will no doubt be tremendous and stupendous! And that's the bottom of the line, cause The Christy told you in that specific manner!" yelled Hemme at nobody in particular. She was later seen skipping along a meadow and blowing kisses at random objects for three days straight to her entrance music. Authorities do not know where she was headed. If you have any leads, please call 1-800-SHE-IS-A-CRAZY-ARSE-REDHEAD-AND-I-AM-SCARED immediately. You do not need to give your name, but there is a reward of upwards and including a half-roll of masking tape and a case of Kraft Handi-Snacks' Cheese and Crackers if you do.

(As a former WWE Diva and current TNA Knockout, Christy Hemme is spunky. She is almost as spunky as Snitsky. Almost. If you place Christy Hemme next to Snitsky, you will confuse me and I will most likey pee a little in my pantaloons in confusion. On second thought, Christy Hemme and Snitsky would make an effective tag team. I urge World Wrestling Entertainment to sign Hemme up. Christy Hemme and Gene Snitsky would be like the Gymini, but not as intriguing.)

The Devo Search tentatively starts in the third week of October and ends next April as the main event of Wrestlemania 22 from the Allstate Arena in Chicago, Illinois.


This WWEek in RAWWE Trivia:

Q: Did you know that Christy Hemme, the winner of the first RAW Diva Search, is actually a renegade cop sent from the future, hired to save our civilization from an evil super cyborg entitled CG3-44, determined to rid earth of all pep and sassiness?

A: Yeah, I kind of did actually. Thanks for asking.

(Breaking news: World Wrestling Entertainment has signed CG3-44 to a development contract. He will be sent to Florida Championship Wrestling for seasoning, then debut for Extreme Championship Wrestling as John James, a happy-go-lucky cyborg who loves to wrestle and doesn't care if he wins or loses. Maybe they can add him as the third member to Christy Hemme and Gene Snitsky's tag team. Together, the three would be like the Fabulous Freebirds, except more hairy.)