What is your favourite WrestleMania of all time? As you answer this question, think about what constitutes a fantastic Pay-Per-View for you. Through the years, the World Wrestling Federation and World Wrestling Entertainment have provided viewers with almost one hundred hours of WrestleMania goodness. Think about WrestleMania I in 1985 and the tag match between Hulk Hogan and Mr. T versus Roddy Piper and Paul Orndoff. Don't forget WrestleMania III's Intercontintental Title bout between the champion Randy Savage and the challenger Ricky Steamboat. Take a gander at the Ulimate Warrior's WWF Championship victory against Hulk Hogan at WrestleMania VI. Fast forwarding to recent times, look at Steve Austin's rise to the top of the company with his win against Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania XIV. Speaking of Stone Cold, remember his epic fight against The Rock at WrestleMania X-Seven, arguably the most popular WrestleMania ever. Also, how about WrestleMania XXIX's opener between the team of Undertaker and Nathan Jones versus Big Show and A-Train? WrestleMania serves up nothing but classics.
Which WrestleMania is your perfect fit? This week, as I complete my special retrospective on WrestleMania 22, contemplate the notion of this event as your WrestleMania of WrestleManias. Do you consider WrestleMania 22 as a good to great friend? Does WrestleMania 22 make you laugh when you are feeling blue? Does WrestleMania 22 keep you warm on a cool night? When you go off to work, does WrestleMania 22 make you a sack lunch of your favourite foods? Does WrestleMania 22 say, "I love you?" If a WrestleMania doesn't love you, that WrestleMania does not deserve to be your life partner.
Now, here's my take on WrestleMania 22.
Ress-ull-mayn-ee-uh, n.
1. The showcase of the immortals
2. The biggest event of the year
3. Triple H + Crown = Big Time
Last time, I looked at the first part of WrestleMania 22. It was the most comprehensive review I've ever done. But, it's just going to get more comprehensive-y as I analyze the remainder of this wondrous event.
Casket Match
Undertaker vs. Mark Henry
With Undertaker's 13-0 streak on the line, wrestling fans around the world were skeptical. Would Undertaker beat Mark Henry in five minutes, or would he defeat him in ten? The look on Henry's face as he walked down the aisle was incredibly telling. "My beard acts like a sponge," he said to himself. What a WrestleMania moment that was.
(I like the fancy quilted Mark Henry Beard paper towels. While the regular brands soak up everyday kitchen counter spills, they fail to clean up heavy-duty accidents, such as mass oil spills in the Pacfic Ocean. When it comes to big messes, Mark Henry Beard brand paper towels are the most reliable paper towels you can find. Get a pack today.)
If you thought that Undertaker was going into that enormous casket, you were sadly mistaken; the casket had Mark Henry's name written all over it. If you looked closely, the casket had certain Henry-like features. For example, the casket was nicknamed The World's Strongest Casket. Also, if you asked it about D'Lo Brown, it'd think fondly about the time they were tag team partners.
(Do you remember when "Sensual Cappuccino" D'Lo Brown helped "Sexual Chocolate" Mark Henry during his quest to lose weight? I do. To my dismay, Henry turned on D'Lo soon after and sided with Jeff Jarrett. How ungrateful. Jeff Jarrett embraced the Atkins Diet, which is a poor nutritional approach according to wrestling dieticians across the globe. D'Lo just wanted you to do a few jumping jacks now and again, Mark. D'Lo simply hoped you would eat a carrot with that cake made entirely out of whale blubber. Why you gotta hate?)
With the strength of the darkside, Undertaker executed the Last Ride and the Tombstone on Mark. If you squinted, it appeared as though Undertaker was executing moves on a bear. Don't think I'm insane for saying that statement. Next time you see Mark Henry wrestle, just squint. He's a bear, or Predator. Anyway, Undertaker closed the casket and was declared the winner of the match. Next time I roll a gigantic man into a box, I want to be named the winner too, which would be splendid.
(I found that Undertaker rolling Mark Henry into the box was an anti-climactic ending. Rolling your enemy into a container is the opposite of exciting. Undertaker should have coaxed Henry into the casket by dangling a toy mouse on a string in front of his face. Mark Henry is not a cat, but he could be with D'Lo Brown's help. Oh wait, that's right. Henry turned on him. Let's forget I said anything.)
Since thirteen men (if you want to count Kane as two men since he faced Undertaker twice at Wrestlemania, go ahead,) could not end the streak, I think I'm the only person who actually knows how to defeat the Undertaker. I think my knowledge of Undertaker's weakness is the main reason why WWE won't hire me as a writer, performer, or diva. Sure Taker, you're the Deadman, but can you handle the wrath of Pikachu? Oh, they told me to catch them all, and I did just that. How are you going to handle it, Eyeliner Jones? Badly, I suspect. Badly.
No Holds Barred Match
Vince McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels
When I first heard that this was a no holds barred match, I thought they said "No Ice Cream Bar". Good thing that wasn't the case. Man, that would have been a terrible match:
Shawn: "Can I get one with nuts?"
Vince: "No."
DUD.
(Vince McMahon is a ruthless promoter. In addition, Vince McMahon is a ruthless provider of refreshing frozen treats. He has stolen the stars of the frozen treat business from the frozen treat terrorities to create his dessert empire. The chocolate swirl drumstick with the caramel centre is his modern day Hulk Hogan.)
Luckily, this bout was entertaining. I laughed every time Vince McMahon looked like overcooked bacon, which was often. He's sixty years old with the chiseled physique of a Greek statue and balls that are the size of grapefruits. I think somebody is on the... Sunny Delight. Shawn Michaels resembled a malnourished child in comparison to Vince. I guess that's what happens when you have God on your side. You lose your muscle tone, but you gain darling leather chaps.
(The day after WrestleMania 22, I went to the local grocery store and bought an entire crate of Sunny Delight. I cleared my weight room of all workout-related equipment and stacked jug upon jug of Sunny D in their place. Now that I have tried the Sunny D workout plan, I can safely say that drinking tangy orange juice does not help one gain an absurd amount of muscle mass. Hence, I think Vince McMahon is not a Sunny D user and abuser. He has been lying to us for years. If you ask me, I think somebody is on the... Ocean Spray.)
Regarding the match, the Spirit Squad nor Shane McMahon could help the chairman of WWE keep Michaels down. Towards the climax, Jim Ross started to talk about the weirdest things. I believe he mentioned that Vince was black, or that "Shane McMichaels" was going old school. I don't know who Shane McMichaels is, but I'll take JR's word for it. HBK gave the boss the ass-kicking of the century, eventually executing an elbow drop from an eleventeen foot ladder. It was so amazing, I made up a number to describe its impressiveness.
(Shawn Michaels never fails to deliver at WrestleMania. Today, he may look like a old and withered piece of beef jerky but he's still stopping shows, breaking hearts, and holding the microphone over his head so he doesn't have to tell people to service him down under as one-half of D-Generation X. Michaels is talented and smart.)
Shane McMahon looked on in utter disbelief. On the other hand, I was drinking milk at the time, so I looked on in "udder" disbelief. Get it? I'm such a pimp. No wonder I get paid the big bucks to write this stuff.
As the match ended, I summarized my thoughts. Here they are:
Number of times I thought Bret Hart would run in: 1,023
Number of times I was saddened by the lack of a Bret Hart run-in: 5,006,938.028
Number of times I thought Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels should create their own variety show entitled the Hitman Heartbreak Screwjob Variety Hour: (Number not available due to immenseness of size.)
(Who wouldn't watch the Hitman Heartbreak Screwjob Variety Hour? In fact, I wouldn't want to meet the person or persons who refuse to watch such a show. This week on the Hitman Heartbreak Screwjob Variety Hour, Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels are going to dress up like Sonny and Cher. Of course, Bret Hart will be Cher for he is the flamboyant one. Michaels will be the late Sonny Bono because he strikes me as a probable member of the U.S. House of Representatives. They've got me, babe. They've got me hooked on the Hitman Heartbreak Screwjob Variety Hour.)
With the pin on Mr. McMahon, Shawn was immortalized. He became the first wrestler ever to defeat a bloody Vince McMahon. Get HBK a world title run. If I know my WWE history, he has never won one.
(When Shawn Michaels kneels down on the ramp and raises his hands up to heaven, I like to do the same. Although, when I take kneel down, I'm not praising God; I'm waiting for the letter X to accidentally from a cloud into my waiting hands. This TNA reference has been brought to you by Geico Insurance and Mike Tenay's Serious Facial Expressions: They're Seriously Funny.)
World Heavyweight Championship Match
Kurt Angle (c) vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Randy Orton
Nine minutes was the amount of time this match was given. Nine minutes is also how long I can last in bed (doing crossword puzzles). I was amazed how short this contest was, until I witnessed the Super-Mega-Bonanza-Extravaganza that was the main event.
(To tell you the truth, I don't know how long I can last in bed. Whenever I am in the mood, the New York Times crossword puzzle shuts me down and tells me it has work in the morning. From now on, answer 54 down yourself, puzzle. I'm tired of your excuses. What kind of crossword puzzle works an office job? What kind of company hires a crossword puzzle anyway?)
P.O.D. (Pineapples Over Duluth) performed Rey's theme song "Booyaka 619." They were on a fake building, which was odd. I wanted them to appear through the building's windows instead. It'd be like a game of Peekaboo, except it'd be Big Time Peekaboo, or possibly Big Time Peekabooyaka. How come when Rey wears a funky headress, he gets cheered, yet when I wear my novelty top hat, people stare at me like I'm a freak?
(I'm not your sideshow, general public. I'm not your Mr. Peanut. You can't honey roast me. Sadly, Rey Mysterio will miss WrestleMania XXIV with a bicep tear. Meanwhile, my top hat and I will strolling down the injury-free boulevard all the way to the Citrus Bowl.
As of this writing, I am not scheduled to appear in a WrestleMania XXIV match for I am not a current employee of Vince McMahon. Nevertheless, I will be in the Orlando, Florida area in case a certain promoter requires my talents. My top hat is ready for the big stage. My hat has languished in Ohio Valley Wrestling for two years. I don't care if Vince McMahon changes the hat's name to "Novelty Cranial Garment." Based on the Swerved version of the Chinese calendar, 2008 will be the year of the top hat. Also, the year 2009 belongs to opera glasses.)
I'm not going to say much about the match, since there was really no match to speak of. All I heard was Michael Cole and Tazz going on and on about the characteristics of the three combatants. Kurt Angle is bald; Rey Mysterio is small; Randy Orton is forever in the "arms up" position. I get it.
Though, I want to take note of the double German suplex spot because it was a clever maneuvre. Truly, the move enabled all three men to embrace each other lovingly. It can't get any better than man-on-man-on-man-in-ring-love, wrestling fans.
(This year, I raise my champagne glass to the possibility that we will get to see a similar spot in the WWE Title Match with Randy Orton, Triple H, and John Cena. Since the hardcore followers of World Wrestling Entertainment believe that Triple likes to politic his way to the top, I suspect that Hunter will use his power to solidify his role as the man behind Orton and Cena during the double German suplex spot? Why? The man executing the German suplex spot gets to kick-start the mid-air thrusting action. If Triple H wishes to attain the title of King of Mid-Air Thrusting, he will have to mid-air thrust his way to WrestleMania superstardom.)
In the end, Mysterio did the unthinkable and pinned Randy Orton with the West Coast Pop. The arena went ballistic as Mysterio was handed a title that was larger than his torso. He dragged it around the ring as comical music played. As he hoisted it above his head, his knees buckled and Mysterio fell in a haphazard heap. The crowd was delighted, but they also weren't for that didn't really happen.
At the top of the ramp, Chavo and Vickie Guerrero appeared to congratulate Rey. Chavo pointed up to the sky and said, "There are lights up there, as well as pictures of wrestlers. Did you see?" Rey began to cry since Eddie loved lights and pictures of wrestlers just as much as he does. Alas, the power of Booyaka triumphed in Chicago all thanks to the Mysterio victory.
Booyaka wins out every time. Booyaka is a way of life. Booyaka is a state of mind. In the morning, I don't put syrup on my pancakes. I put "booyaka."
(Recently, I've learned that booyaka is laced with rat poison. While I do not condone the use of rat poison on pancakes, a small dollop of rat poison on a fluffy breakfast starts the day off right.)
Playboy Pillow Fight
Candice Michelle (c) vs. Torrie Wilson (c)
The match all the gents and fellows in the land were waiting for was up next. In the battle of "Who looks better naked with the assistance of airbrushing and soft lighting?", fans were divided. Did Torrie look more beautiful and sexy in her birthday suit, or did Candice Michelle use the power of the Go Daddy dance to give the readers of Playboy a more exciting look at her girl parts? The following war was to settle the aforementioned score.
(Looking back on her entire WWE career, Torrie Wilson has disappointed me. Other than her intriguing relationship with Tajiri, I yawn in response to her days in World Wrestling Entertainment. You know, I preferred her a lot more when she was a part of World Championship Wrestling. For your information, Torrie Wilson was a favourite of mine in the land of Theodore R. Turner. Actually, she was my second favourite lady, right behind Tygress. You see, not only did Tygress feel Konnan's shirt, Tygress stopped feeling his shirt when Konnan said, "That's enough!" Tygress knew her boundaries as a shirt-feeler and I respected that.)
It's a shame that pillows hurt women more than they hurt men. I didn't realize the plight of the female species until I found that secret out. Good thing I have this apparatus between my legs which separates me from the opposite sex. I don't know what it's called. Is it named Pablo?
Jim Ross gave the ultimate insult at the conclusion of this match: he used the "bowling shoes" reference. While smelling bowling shoes is a wonderful way to sample the scent of multiple strangers' feet at once, it is not a great experience as far is wrestling is concerned. The crowd crapped on the match, which I didn't understand. The match had women... in lingerie... fighting. You paid money to see it. If you don't like the sight of breastal assault, go read a book or something. A book on dongs.
(To those of you who disliked the Playboy Pillow Fight between Candice and Torrie's toned female bodies, why don't you answer the door? Ding dong. Who is it? It's a man's wang. Aren't you going to greet it? Hannah-Barbera was right--a gay old time will be had by all. Have fun.)
In case you noticed the headline, I put a C next to their names on purpose. I'm sure Candice Michelle is the champion of something, but I'm not exactly sure what. She's in Playboy, so she definitely has talent. Most likely, she is the champion of talent. On the other hand, Torrie Wilson is still with the company, so she's the champion of keeping of her job.
(The WWE has made the following match official for WrestleMania XXIV: Candice Michelle and Maria will face Melina and "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon" in a Playboy BunnyMania Tag Team Match. Melina and "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon" will represent all women who have not yet posed for Playboy (the current total is 4). Meanwhile, Candice and Maria will be supporting the She-Woman Clothes Haters Club. Every woman's dream is to not wear clothes on their body. Cheerful hoorays to Candice and Maria for living that dream.)
WWE Championship Match
John Cena (c) vs. Triple H/Hunter Hearst Helmsley/The Game/The Cerebral Assassin/The King of Kings/The Monarch of the Mat/Sledgehammer McMahon
Entrances in Summary - Triple H
Step 1: Lemmy sings "Ehhhhhhhhh King of Kings ehhhhhhhh."
Step 2: Throne with smoke.
Step 3: L-O-L at H-H-H with crown and animal pelt.
Step 4: Triple H is angry.
Step 5: Disappointment that he will not wrestle with crown.
(Triple H's refusal to wear the crown for the duration of the match ruined the main event of WrestleMania 22 for me. What a morose king he was, too. His entire walk to the ring was spent moping and sulking. If I was wearing Triple H's get-up, I would have cartwheel my way down the ramp with the biggest grin on my face. People tell me that I shouldn't cartwheel to Motorhead songs, but what do they know? You haven't lived until you cartwheeled to "The Game." It's all about the wheel, and how you cart it.)
Entrances in Summary - John Cena
Step 1: Introductory vignette -- "Life was hard and in black and white."
Step 2: Let's not mention that they're mobsters.
Step 3: CM Punk looks confused with plastic gun. What are you looking for, man?
Step 4: John Cena is going to reveal that he's naked under that coat.
Step 5: Whew, no he's not. Aw crap. Bullets in the sky. You're killing the angels, Cena. What did they ever do to you?
(John Cena confuses me with his elaborate entrances. As I watched the 2006 Royal Rumble, I scratched my head in confusion until it bled as he came down the ring on a spaceship. John Cena is not a time-traveller, intergalactic space cadet, or a Star Trek captain for that matter. What gives? Thanks to WWE Films, we all know John Cena is one thing and one thing only--an overpowered saviour of kidnapped spouses from stupid bad guys. Look out for 12 Rounds, WWE's 2009 film release, in which John Cena kills ten inept criminals with an F-U into a street covered in banana peels.)
While the main event was not a exciting bout, it was the most intriguing match of the evening due to fan reaction alone. For some reason, people were on Triple H's side. I think it's because he has several nicknames, whereas John Cena only has a shiny belt and hip hop on his side. If you listened to Jim Ross' commentary prior to this match, you'd know that this was a battle of "Old School vs. New School." It was tradition vs. rap. It was Vince McMahon trying desperately to keep Cena as a babyface versus Vince McMahon trying to coax fans into thinking that if they booed Cena, they were uncool. I don't know about you, but I've always been uncool. Actually, I've been known as a "room temperature" human being; I'm perfectly okay with that label. Why should grapple enthusiasts be any different?
(On a cool scale from one to ten, John Cena comes in at a three because adult white guys dressing in baggy clothes has become sad rather than cleverly ironic. On the other hand, Triple H is a solid gold nine. I don't know if you know this, but Triple H is down and with it the childrenseses. For instance, Triple H gives Bratz: The Movie two crotch-chops up. He hopes his daughter Aurora will get to live the life of a Bratz doll and grow up to wear slutty clothes while having an enormous head. Best of luck to you and yours, Hunter.)
With the crowd on the edge of their thousand-dollar seats, John Cena slapped the F-U on Triple H. The King of Kings tried to get to the ropes as Cena screamed. Cena's Angry, Shaking Face. Strangely enough, Triple H tapped out to the move. In the arena, people were baffled. In particular, one man had the greatest WTF face ever. I would tell that guy shocking news every day just to see that face again. He brings sunshine to the rainstorm that is my life.
(Bless you, WTF Face Guy, wherever you are in this crazy world we call Earth. WTF Face Guy, have I got some news for you. The price of wheat is going up. Kids are not getting enough exercise. An African-American man and a Caucasian woman have a shot to become the next President of the United States. Hogan Knows Best is no more. Scott Baio is 46... and pregnant. What do you think of those stories, WTF Face Guy? Are you shocked? You are? Awesome. I am not crying because I am sad; I am crying happy tears. Do not worry about me. Thanks to you, I feel alive.)
I don't know about you, but I think some people aren't keen-a to John Cena. See how cheesy that line was? Yeah, that's pretty much indicative of Cena's entire tenure on RAW as a good dude who tries to say funny stuff. Weeks ago, when he called Vince "Darth McMahon," a part of me died inside--the good part. It was the same part that was on life support after he countered one infamous Triple H promo with "You just won me five bucks in the 'What is Triple H gonna say?' pool." Only five bucks? Amateur. Try twenty rupees, you ass.
(I am sorry, World Wrestling Entertainment. I cannot cheer for a man who speaks about serious wrestling business in a cutesy tone of voice. Then again, I am not twelve years old and I do not house fertilized eggs. I double-apologize for my shortcomings. One day, may I find the Cup of Christ and drink my years away. When the time is right, may I win myself a brand new, female reproductive system on a sketchy game show from Yugoslavia. Until then, I am no fan of John Cena. Them's the breaks.)
1) Overall, an enjoyable WrestleMania. I'm glad I watched it.
2) WWE should have more epic entrances, such as Viscera emerging from the straw of a gigantic milkshake. His milkshake could bring all the boys to the yard. Who knows?
3) Big Time (They're on their way, they're making it.)
- Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Hulk Hogan
(Dear Lords of the Squared Circle; I beg of your help. Lest we forget of the greatest dream match in professional wrestling history. Neither Austin nor Hogan will agree to lose, but if you can hear me, please find the means to make this match happen. As long as Austin can stun another and drink beer, I see no reason why he cannot participate in this bout. As long as Hogan can drop his leg in a gentle manner over an opponent's upper torso, he can be a part of this match. I do not expect the best. I just expect a match. Do what you can, Lords of the Squared Circle. I will be waiting.)
- Dave Meltzer vs. Bryan Alvarez (Some time during the 2007 edition of the Royal Rumble, Dave and Bryan will debut as the New Heart Throbs. They will come out with red headbands and matching tights and perform the happy thrust dance in each other's direction. They will attack the Big Show and try to eliminate him from the rumble, but will fail. Big Show will execute the double chokeslam on them. They will be dumped violently on the outside. As they regain their composure, Dave and Bryan will go nose-to-nose, blaming each other for their elimination. With the crowd buzzing in anticipation, Dave and Bryan shake hands. As Dave walks to the back, Bryan will turn him around and superkick Mr. Wrestling Observer square in his observing face. While Dave lays stunned on the ground, Bryan will stare down at him with great intensity in a moment reminiscent of Shawn Michaels' turn on Hulk Hogan. Surely, this is the beginning of the best feud ever.
(Dear Lords of the Squared Circle; I beg of your help. Lest we forget of the greatest dream match in professional wrestling analyst history. Neither Meltzer nor Alvarez will agree to lose, but if you can hear me, please find the means to make this match happen. As long as Meltzer can sit backwards on a chair and type one thousand words per minute, I see no reason why he cannot participate in this bout. You know what I mean? As long as Alvarez can complain about TNA with humourous results, he can be a part of this match. I do not expect the best. I just expect a match. Do what you can, Lords of the Squared Circle. I will be waiting.)
- If I had to say, maybe professional wrestling?
(I was wrong. In the end, WrestleMania 23 transformed into a disc golf tournament before my very eyes. Frisbees were here, frisbees were there. Frisbees were everywhere.)
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