Deep down, I believe that Vince Russo is a good person. Of course, you may think otherwise, but what do you know? Have you ever tried to write a script for an edition of TNA Impact before? Have you ever walked in the shoes of one of the most creative minds in modern day professional wresting? Have you ever made an attempt to view the world from Vince Russo's perspective and live his grueling life? If you have answered in the negative to the previous three questions, you have no right to judge Mr. Russo in such a harsh manner. While he has made quite a pretty penny in his writing endeavours, you have made nothing--zero dollars, zero Deutschmarks, and zero yen. You sit on your sofa covered in plastic like a king, eating your glorious feast of fried turkey gonad and pork face on a paper plate, looking down upon those you deem unworthy of your kudos. How dare you, reader. How dare you and three-quarters of a half.
Now that I am aware of the stress that one must endure in the creation of a weekly TNA Impact episode, I am a better person. The sun shines much brighter than before, the beautiful spring flowers smell more beautiful, and the trees around me are a lot more tree-ier.
If you must, continue to insult the performers and viewers of TNA until you faint, but if you try to put down my good friend Vincent, I am going to find out where you live, walk up to your front door, knock on that very front door of yours, then stand for a while in the open because nobody is home, then leave when it gets dark. I'm for serious. If you want to mess with Vince Russo, you're going to have get through me first, player dislikers. Don't think I haven't been in a fight before. I know how to karate another.
And now, let's have at it with the second hour of the Swerved's TNA Impact.
6.1 (1:15/22:01:15) ROBERT ROODE W/ PAYTON BANKS (HEEL)
- Roode: "Hey Booker--my hair is quite wet and stringy tonight. If you want to touch it, why don't you come out here and feel it?!"
- Payton: "Yeah, and my name is a pun about money."
6.2 (1:00/22:02:15) BOOKER T W/ SHARMELL T (BABYFACE)
6.3 (3:00/22:05:15) IN RING W/ ROODE & BOOKER (HOORAY)
- Producer: The Swerved
- Booker: "I don't care what texture your hair is, man--I'm simply here to feud with you for a time period longer than necessary. Look, I'm sick and tired of your sparkly robe, which you took from Terry Taylor. We're coming close to our Intergender-Tag-Team-Six-Sides-of-Steel-Traci-Brooks-on-a-Pole-Match and I'm forced to converse with you at such a close range? You smell like damp clothes. Did you bathe yourself in wet socks today?
- Roode: "You know what, Booker--you're right. This morning I bathed in wet socks, then I put on this flashy robe. Then, this afternoon, I punched a bunch of defenseless women in their privates before I entered the Impact Zone. Hey Sharmell, you know what I'm talking about, right? Punchy, punchy, punchy goodness. Yeah, that's how I do. That's right. Booker, this is what Robert Roode does. I appear on television with my bad guy scowl and try to act like Curt Hennig and Rick Rude at the same time. I'm a dynamo, my brother."
- Booker: "Who the hell you calling brother, sucka?"
- Roode: "I'm saying that you and I were born from the same womb, but I came out of our mother two minutes before you did. At Another Day in Paradise, sponsored by our lord and saviour Phil Collins, we shouldn't fight. Instead, let's hug, like brothers."
- Booker: (looks at Sharmell and then shakes his head at Roode) "Hell no. We aren't even the same colour. I don't even know your mother."
- Roode takes out his wallet to show Booker pictures of his mother--Booker looks at the wallet-sized photos, then peers at the audience; Booker nods his head as if he is saying: "Yes, she appears to be a nice and familiar woman indeed."
- Booker turns around--Roode attempts to deck him
- Booker ducks the punch as if he is saying: "But she's not that nice and familiar. The other day, Traci Brooks told me that your mother doesn't give money to telethons when they come on."
- Booker punches Roode in facial area
- Booker walks off w/ Sharmell--w/ Roode screaming at them--"You're going to touch my wet and stringy hair, whether you like it or not! I spent five hours trying to make it look as wet and stringy as possible! My work will not go to waste!"
- Outshot: Payton Banks touches Roode's wet and stringy hair with expression of approval
6.4 (1:30/22:06:45) SAMOAN FEED VIA SAMOAN SATELLITE - JEREMY BORASH W/ SAMOA JOE
- Producer: The Swerved
- Location: Samoa Joe's vehicle--the Kia Samoan
- Samoa Joe tries to drive his Samoan car out of the Samoan driveway of his Samoan home in Samoa
- JB breaks the news to Samoa Joe that Samoan cars run on the tears of young Samoan children
- Samoa Joe is from Samoa
- TBD
B6 (3:30/22:10:15) COMMERCIAL BREAK - GIRLS GONE WILDER: A GROUP OF SEXY, INEBRIATED GIRLS WATCH WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY IN HD
7.1 (:30/22:10:45) VTR - TNA SPOT - MIKE TENAY WEARS SUNGLASSES, DANCES IN AN EMPTY IMPACT ZONE IN DRESS SHIRT, SOCKS AND UNDERWEAR
7.2 (2:00/22:12:45) PRETAPE - CRYSTAL LOUTHAN W/ LANCE HOYT, JIMMY RAVE, CHRISTY HEMME & CHRISTIAN CAGE
- Producer: The Swerved
- Crystal: "Rock 'n Rave Infection, Christy Hemme, even though nobody likes you, it appears if you are trying to make fans care about you through the use of visual references to Guitar Hero. Are you sure Guitar Hero is still hip with the kiddies? Don't you think Rock Band is the superior musical-instrument-related rhythm game for next generation consoles?"
- Hoyt: "Hey--do you know who you're talking to? You're talking to old tramp stamp himself, Lance Hoyt--the rockingest rock star in TNA. You're talking to Jimmy Rave, the ravingest rock star in TNA. You're talking to Christy Hemme, whose butt is now full and not at all hungry, thank you very much. But, Crystal, yeah, we might be a little dated with our pop culture references. We may give shout outs to the wrong city on occasion, and we may win one match out of a thousand, but look at us. We're guitar heros and heroines! Nothing else matters."
- Rave: "That's right, Lance. Crystal, I wouldn't be partners with a guy named Lance unless he was awesome. Now, don't me and Lance make an awesome team? Since we make such an awesome duo, it's only a matter of time until everybody else starts to think that the Rock 'n Rave Infection is awesome too. Look out, Petey Williams and Scott Steiner. This bucket of awesome is coming for you at the Pay-Per-View."
- Rave attempts to play "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" on expert; he fails miserably, yet tries again
- Hemme: "Jimmy, you have to go green, green, blue, yellow, red, orange, blue, green, blue, yellow, yellow, orange, red, not green, green, yellow, blue, red, orange, blue, green, blue, yellow, yellow, orange, red."
- Rave: "I don't need your help, woman!"
- Hoyt, Rave and Hemme leave--Christian Cage walks into the shot
- Cage: "You know what--I like to walk into the middle of interviews for no reason. I'm proud of the fact that I'm able to interrupt segments without punishment from TNA management. While Edge cavorts around World Wrestling Entertainment with his World Heavyweight Championship, isn't it great that I get to walk around this dark and dim Impact Zone without a care in the world? Isn't that a great big pile of special, drenched in a super ladle of special sauce? Anyway, at Phil Collins' Another Day in Paradise, I get the chance to walk around TNA with both tag titles around my waist. The only thing that I have to do is get through my former buddies--Styles and Tomko. AJ, I hope you know that you're facing the Instant Classic. You see, AJ, I'm an Instant Classic because you can put me in the microwave for three minutes and I'm instantly ready to serve... a classic ass-whipping that is. And Tomko--go ahead and face Kevin Nash--you go ahead and face him tonight and I will be sitting at ringside scouting you--because you see--Christian Cage likes to wander around the Impact Zone like a confused hobo--and confused hobos win over guys who look like Kratos from God of War each and every time. Don't you forget it, AJ and Tomko. I'm coming for the both of you."
7.3 (:45/22:13:30) ROCK 'N RAVE INFECTION W/ CHRISTY HEMME M & E (HEEL)
- Ring announcer's mic up, praises Hoyt for his lower back tattoo (hypocritical declaration)
7.4 (:45/22:14:15) LAX W/ SALINAS M & E (BABYFACE)
- Ring announcer's mic up, believes Salinas' breasts are real and presents various charts and graphs to prove his claim
- Go to break, uncontrollable laughter during claim
B7 (3:30/22:17:45) COMMERCIAL BREAK - ADVERTISEMENTS FOR MALE BODY WASH, WHICH NEVER FAILS TO SMELL LIKE STALE CAR FRESHENER--THE SCENT THAT ATTRACTS ALL THE PRETTY LADIES
8.1 (4:00/22:21:45) MATCH: TAG TEAM DIVISION BATTLE
- Producer: The Swerved
- Production note: Keep it kosher out there
- Match starts: once we come back from break
- Homicide attacks Rave early
- Rave comes back to shut down Homicide
- Rave and Hoyt play guitar
- Hoyt dominates Homicide, argues tramp stamp is manly
- Homicide makes comeback on Hoyt and Rave w/ Rock Band drum set
- Hernandez w/ power moves on Hoyt and Rave
- Christy Hemme's butt requires nourishment
- Hoyt runs at Hernandez, flies over top rope onto Hemme by accident
- Hernandez and Homicide double-team Rave
- Hernandez pins Rave w/ Border Toss into Canada
- Christy Hemme's butt eats a small bag of Cool Ranch Doritos
- LAX music on out (Ring announcer's mic on line, uses grainy 1980 documentary about breast augmentation to prove that Salinas' bosoms are real)
- Outshot: Salinas' bountiful chest anchors her to earth's surface
8.2 (3:20/22:25:05) VTR - JEFF JARRETT SPINS PINWHEEL TO PUT VIEWERS IN GULLIBLE TRANCE, TRIES TO JUSTIFY THE HIRING OF ADAM "PACMAN" JONES
8.3 (1:30/22:26:35) PRETAPE - CRYSTAL LOUTHAN W/ "BLACK MACHISMO" JAY LETHAL, SoCAL VAL & SONJAY DUTT
- Producer: The Swerved & Phil Collins
- Crystal: "Black Machismo, at Another Day in Paradise you defend your X-Division Title against . . ."
- Lethal: "She calls out to the man on the street--'Sir, can you help me? It's cold and I've got nowhere to sleep. Is there somewhere you can tell me?'"
- Crystal: "Okay, but at the Pay-Per-View you have to face your former friend and . . ."
- Lethal: "He walks out but doesn't look back. He pretends he can't hear her.
She starts to whistle as he crosses the street. Seems embarrassed to be there."
- Crystal: "Right, sure. Well, SoCal Val, since Black Machismo doesn't seem to be with it tonight, how about I get your thoughts about Lethal's defense against . . ."
- Lethal and Val: "Oh, think twice. It's just another day for you, you and me in paradise. Oh, think twice. It's just another day for you, you and me in paradise."
- Crystal: "What are you talking about? I just want to know what you . . ."
- Sonjay Dutt walks in the shot and sits on a stool under shadows, appearing to move in stop motion
- Dutt: "She calls out to the man on the street. He can see she's been crying. She's got blisters on the soles of her feet. Can't walk but she's trying."
- Crystal: "Can anybody just . . ."
- Lethal, Val & Dutt: ""Oh, think twice. It's just another day for you, you and me in paradise. Oh, think twice. It's just another day for you, you and me in paradise."
- Crystal walks off in frustration
- Lethal, Val & Dutt continue to croon
B8 (3:30/22:30:05) COMMERCIAL BREAK - TIME LIFE'S PHIL COLLINS GREATEST HITS COLLECTION, WHICH URGES YOU TO "PHIL" IN THE BLANKS OF YOUR HEART... WITH THE POWER OF SONG
9.1 (:30/22:30:35) VTR - TNA SPOT - TNA KNOCKOUTS CHAMPION AWESOME KONG AND HANDLER RAISHA SAEED RECREATE WILL "THE THRILL" AND BOOGALOO SHRIMP'S "APACHE" DANCE
9.2 (1:00:22:31:35) SAMOAN FEED VIA SAMOAN SATELLITE - JEREMY BORASH W/ SAMOA JOE
- Producer: The Swerved
- Location: Samoa Joe's vehicle--the Kia Samoan
- Samoa Jeremy and Samoa Joe sing Samoan version of "Samoan Rhapsody (Nothing Not Samoan Really Matters To Samoa)" by Samoa Queen--a Queen cover song from Samoa
9.3 (1:00/22:32:35) ON CAMERA W/ MIKE TENAY & DON WEST
- Tenay and West make up, share root beer float w/ two straws in one glass à la Archie and Betty or Veronica
- Another Day in Paradise PPV card rundown
- Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe w/ Kevin Nash in a Samoa Joe Will Win It All, One Year Too Late Match for the TNA World What Have You
- Christian Cage vs. Tyson Tomko and AJ Styles for the TNA Tag Team Titles in a Handicap Match
- Booker T & Sharmell vs. Robert Roode & Payton Banks in an Intergender-Tag-Team-Six-Sides-of-Steel-Traci-Brooks-on-a-Pole-Match
- Eric Young vs. RelliK for RelliK's backwards K
- "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal vs. Sonjay Dutt for the X-Division Title
- Petey Williams and Scott Steiner vs. Lance Hoyt and Jimmy Rave
- Awesome Kong vs. Someone Who Will Lose for the TNA Knockout Title
- Jim Cornette vs. Sudoku
9.4 (1:30/22:34:05) VTR - ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE PREVIEW PACKAGE
9.5 (1:30/22:35:35) PRETAPE - CRYSTAL LOUTHAN W/ JIM CORNETTE & MATT MORGAN
- Producer: The Swerved
- Cornette is HAPPY
- Cornette: "Let me make this perfectly clear. When I started this Sudoku puzzle, and when I sought the help of Samoa's own Samoa Joe, I never thought I would be able to finish it. My goal wasn't to get it done!! I wanted to see how far I could get. Sudoku is not a game for the losers--it's one for the winners! But you know what--I do everything I can in TNA to the best of my ability. And before I knew it--without Matt Morgan's assistance because he doesn't like to do much than stand there and look tall--I got it done! And you know what--I don't care who knows it--this man loves his Sudoku. At Another Day in Paradise, I take on one of the most difficult puzzles in a fight of MMMOOORRRTTTAAAALLL SSSSSUUUDDDOOOKKKUUU! I'm ready. Are you, Sudoku? You got Jimmy "The Pharmacist" Cornette all riled up in here now!"
B9 (3:45/22:39:20) COMMERCIAL BREAK - ADVERTISEMENT FOR WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT... WHOOPS... THAT'S TNA'S BAD
10.1 (:45/22:40:05) TYSON TOMKO W/ AJ STYLES M & E (HEEL)
- Ring announcer's mic up, talks about types of penny candy he dislikes, likes, and feels so-so about
- Christian Cage is already out, being instant and classic for the entire match
10.2 (:45/22:40:50) KEVIN NASH M & E (BABYFACE)
- Ring announcer's mic up, tries to speak between bites of grilled chicken gyro
- Kurt Angle is already out at the top of the ramp, doing whatever his theme song says he does (don't really know because The Trademarc says things too fast)
10.3 (2:30/22:43:20) MATCH: MAIN EVENT BATTLE
- Producer:
- Production note: Record match from wrestlers' waists up in order to keep Nash's marionette strings (which are holding him up for the match) from appearing on screen
- Nash pummels Tomko until Karen Angle entrance
- Karen Angle run-in on ramp, argues w/ Kurt
- Tomko shuts down Nash w/ distraction
- Kira Angle run-in on ramp, aruges w/ Karen and Kurt about cold TV dinner
- Tomko and AJ double-team Nash, but get caught up in his marionette strings
- Right Angle run-in on ramp, argues w/ Kira, Karen and Kurt at 90 degrees
B10 (3:30/22:46:50) COMMERCIAL BREAK
***OFF CAMERA DURING COMMERCIAL BREAK***
(3:30/22:46:50) MATCH CONTINUES
- Referee Earl Hebner is unfortuantely obvious w/ his pinfall counts: like always, when Earl jerks his body before three, a kickout occurs
- Running man run-in on ramp, struggles to do running man dance in crowd of Angles
- Hebner unties Tomko from Nash's strings, joins in on running man dance
- AJ and Tomko take over as Nash's puppeteers
- Nash joins in on running man dance by force
- Tomko gets heat on Nash w/ illegal moves
- Christian is a lot more instant than he is classic, or so says his wife
- Heat continues
11.1 (2:00/22:53:50) MATCH STILL CONTINUES
- AJ tries to pull off Styles Clash on Nash, but attempt looks comical due to size differential
- Nash flings AJ over top rope
- AJ and Christian Cage confrontation
- AJ and Cage fight, Kurt battles Cage on AJ's behalf
- Running man runs away in fright, not flashy dance
- Karen screams and complains
- Kira disinterested
- Nash and Tomko try each other's finishers and fail
11.3 (1:30/22:58:20) VTR - PACKAGE EXPLAINS THE IDENTITY OF PHIL COLLINS TO THE YOUNG TNA AUDIENCE, BUT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THEY SUCK
11.4 (1:30/22:59:50) VTR - GO HOME PACKAGE - SERIOUSLY, GO HOME ALREADY
- Final plug for Another Day in Paradise
11.5 (:10/23:00:00) VTR - SPIKE CLOSING ID - APOLOGY FOR EXISTENCE OF MANSWERS
To plug in
THE SWERVED W/ STEPHEN RIVERA X INFINITY
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