I'm not going to lie you, loyal readers--I am the most intriguing person in professional wrestling analyst history. For example, I have three legs, a bionic face, twenty million dollars in a sock which rests on my nightstand, and a pet turtle that can speak Mandarin. Best of all, I have my own distress signal. What kind of person has his own distress signal, you ask? A good person. Do you have one? No, of course you don't. Unlike you, a bad person who probably likes to engage in underground fights with kindergarten children, I was born to contribute to society and help those in need. To this day, I have dedicated significant time and effort towards the betterment of the world around me. I make sure that your sky is blue, that your grass is green, and that your female valets and performers are the sluttiest ladies you can find on television. Unlike you, the embodiment of all that is evil, I make a difference. In return, I do not demand a thank you; I never expect any compensation for my altruism. I just want to be acknowledged for my efforts.
The other night, TNA President Dixie Carter flashed the Swerved logo to the night sky. Although her attractive-for-her-age mouth did not utter a single word, I knew exactly what she needed. This week, I plan to give her what she wants. As of this writing, TNA Impact requires my creative assistance. Every Thursday, wrestling fans tune in to Spike TV to see male-oriented greatness, only to witness sloppy bouts, disappointing skits involving nothing but cheesy nautical references, and Kip James existing on the planet. While ratings have been steady, I'm positive that Dixie knows the program is on the brink of death and self-destruction. While a regular man will likely fail in his attempt to turn total nonstop lumps of coals into shimmering diamonds of action, I will succeed. I will not rest until TNA Impact flourishes and dominates its competition. Until the day I am but a distant memory in the dirt, I vow that TNA Impact will be number one.
If you refuse to believe in my extraordinary abilities, my script for an upcoming episode is sure to change your mind. Don't blink now. Wrestling episodic greatness might pass you by.
AIRDATE: ??/??/08
FINAL VERSION
1.1 (:10/21:00:10) VTR - TNA SIGNATURE ID/ROARING MIKE TENAY IN LOGO
1.2 (1:00/21:01:10) VTR - RECAP
-EPISODE NAME: TENDER LOVE AND KAREN
- Karen Angle in black dress: different look
- Karen Angle complains and screams
- Team 3-D complains from Impact 3/13
- Karen Angle complains and screams
- Steiner has a stern word with the World and X-Division Title briefcases
- Karen Angle complains and screams: new
1.3 (1:00/21:02:10) PRETAPE
- Producer: The Swerved
- Location: Samoa Joe's Samoa home in Samoa
- JB: "We're live on tape in the isle of Samoa, home of the Samoan Submission Machine Samoa Joe, where Joe has been in seclusion, locked up in his own hut, a hut which doesn't even have more than one type of pizza, for the entire week. As wrestling fans around the immediate universe wait patiently for Samoa Joe to sign that lucrative TNA contract with Jim Cornette, Joe has imprisoned himself for the time being and wants to be a pretty big jerk about the whole thing. Apparently, the reason that the signing has been postponed over and over again is due to the fact that Kevin Nash told Joe to hold out for more money, but he may have told him to hold out for more honey like Winnie the Pooh, or more funny for that matter. I couldn't understand most of their talk as Nash's surgically repaired knees sound like two cement mixers when he walks. Nevertheless, I can feel the signing coming in the Samoan air tonight. Within the next two hours, hopefully Joe will leave this home, take that supersonic Samoan jet to the Impact Zone, and sign his Samoan name on the Samoan dotted line. Samoa."
1.4 (:24/21:02:34) VTR - TAPED OPEN - DON WEST FEEDS A SMALL AFRICAN VILLAGE W/ HIS ENTHUSIASM ALONE
1.5 (:15/21:02:49) VTR - ARENA SHOTS (ONE THOUSAND MAN-CHILDREN, ONE DISINTERESTED WOMAN)
- Announcers, mics up, audience throw up hands w/o care
1.6 (:15/21:03:04) PYRO & FAMILY-FRIENDLY SHENANIGANS (EX. SOMEBODY THROWING A BUCKET WHICH FANS BELIEVE TO BE FILLED WITH WATER, BUT IS ACTUALLY FILLED WITH CONFETTI)
1.7 (5:46:00/21:08:50) IN RING W/ JIM CORNETTE AND MATT MORGAN
- Producer: The Swerved
- Cornette: "Well, as TNA's official commissioner slash unofficial personality who looks the most like a pharmacist, I stand in this hexagonal ring with a clipboard in my left hand, a pen in my right hand, and a contract on the clipboard in my left hand. The contract on the clipboard in my left hand is meant for Samoa Joe, who is not here tonight because he wants to be a pretty big jerk about the whole thing. Nevertheless, I will be here in my office for the remainder of the show. Actually, I can wait all night. I gots electronic Sudoku, muthasuckas."
1.8 KURT ANGLE (OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST)
- Angle enters, out from under the center of the Earth
- Angle: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I am the TNA World Heavyweight Whatchamacallit. At that Pay-Per-View named after a Phil Collins song, I am set to face Samoa Joe. Jim, let me inform you that if Joe will not sign with TNA, he will not be a contracted wrestler. If he is not a contracted wrestler, he will not be allowed to compete at the Pay-Per-View. If Joe is not allowed to compete with a Pay-Per-View, he will not challenge for the TNA World Heavyweight Doodad. If Joe does not challenge for the TNA World Heavyweight Doodad, I will not have to compete in the main event. If I do not have to compete in the main event, I will not be defending the belt-like thing which I hold. And finally, that belt-like thing which I hold was in Tremors with Kevin Bacon."
1.9 SAMOA JOE (SAMOAN FEED VIA SAMOAN SATELLITE)
- Samoa Joe eats Samoan pan pizza w/o toppings, like a fool
- Joe: "You know what, Kurt? I may not be at Universal Studios tonight, but come Sunday at that Phil Collins-themed Pay-Per-View, I'm gonna tap you out and take your title. And Cornette, I would sign your TNA contract right now, but the doctor said I need to lay off TNA contracts for a bit. Until then, rest assured that I am from Samoa. I think you two need to recognize that."
- Kurt: "Joe, the only thing I need to recognize is that I wear the same kind of tights in every one of my matches. Also, you can't see what I'm doing right now, but I'm giving you the finger. The finger I am giving you is the ring finger."
- Joe: "Well, that leaves me the pinky. I don't believe in giving the middle finger."
- Kurt: "Me too."
- Cornette: "I'm sick and tired of you two bickering. Starting tonight, I'm going to do what's best for TNA. Now Kurt, since you like to brag about your accomplishments, why don't you back up your words in a matchup with "Big Poppa Pump" Scott Steiner, a man who doesn't know even know what the word 'word' means? Samoa Joe, because you're not here tonight, you will help me finish this Sudoku puzzle."
- Kurt Angle is a tad scared. Meanwhile, Matt Morgan suggests that Cornette put a 3 where a 6 should be in the puzzle. In response to Matt's poor advice, Cornette storms out of the ring.
- Show theme music on out
1.10 (1:15/21:10:05) PRETAPE - CRYSTAL LOUTHAN W/ TEAM 3-D
- Producer: The Swerved
- Ray and Devon appear very large
- Crystal: "Brother Ray and Brother Devon, Jim Cornette has announced the tag bout that you demanded tonight. It's going to be Team 3-D against the Motor City Machine Guns in a ladder match."
- BR: " You know, girl who is better than Leticia Cline, if Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin want to fight us for the fifty-thousandth time, let them. Hell, if they want a ladder match, that's fine by me. Let's put a ladder in there. I have no idea what we're climbing for, but a ladder is fun. Small fellows can flip off the ladder. Plus, I can wear the ladder over my shoulders and spin around like I'm Terry Funk. Ladders cured a disease or something once. I don't know. I heard it from a friend of a friend."
- BD: "Hush up, child."
- BR: "And, Brother Devon here can use the ladder to talk like Whoopi Goldberg. It's going to be great."
- Ray and Devon walk off
1.12 (:10/21:10:15) VTR - BUMPER - UP NEXT SHARK STONE COLD BOY VERSUS PETEY WILLIAMS
B1 (2:15/21:12:30) COMMERCIAL BREAK
2.1 (:30/21:13:00) VTR - TNA SPOT - TENAY & WEST DANCE CONTEST
2.2. (1:45:21:14:45) PRETAPE - CRYSTAL LOUTHAN W/ SHARK STONE COLD BOY
- Producer: The Swerved
- Shark Stone Cold Boy acts like Stone Cold Steve Austin
- Crystal: "Shark Stone Cold Boy, is it just me, or are you imitating Stone Cold Steve Austin?"
- SSCB: "Give me a hell yeah."
- Crystal: "I don't have a hell yeah to give you. I forgot it at home."
- SSCB: "Boy 24:7 says I just bit your ass."
- Crystal: "That's a whole lot of time biting others' asses. You never like take a break and eat some fishsticks once and again?"
- SSCB: "Well, now that you mention it, it's not 24:7. To be honest, it's more like Boy 8:5. You know, like a typical work week. Anyway, that much time spent biting others' asses is still fairly intimidating."
- Crystal: "Tonight, you face Petey Williams. Are you ready?"
- SSCB: "Oh hell yeah."
- Crystal: "Oh, here is a hell yeah is my non-existent pocket. There you go."
- SCSB: "Thank you, muchly."
2.3 (:45/21:15:30) SHARK STONE COLD BOY (BABYFACE)
- Ring announcer's mic up, confesses his love for cold boys
2.4 (:45/21:16:15) PETEY WILLIAMS (HEEL)
- Ring announcer's mic up, laughs at grown man whose name is Petey
2.5 (7:00/21:23:15) MATCH: X-DIVISION MATCH
- Producer: The Swerved
- Production note: Keep it real
- MATCH: Petey Williams flexes
- Williams shuts down Shark Stone Cold Boy
- Shark Stone Cold Boy comeback
- Clam juice on Williams
- DQ finish for improper use of clam-related libations
- Shark Stone Cold Boy music on out (Ring announcer's mic on line, runs down clam juice ingredients)
- Outshot: Stone Cold Steve Austin almost wakes up from a deep sleep
2.5 (3:00/21:26:15) SAMOAN FEED VIA SAMOAN SATELLITE
- Samoa Joe tries to add Samoan shrimp on his Samoan pizza. He's definitely a fool.
- Informs Cornette that he already used an 8 on that Sudoku puzzle. Cornette thanks him.
B2 (3:30/21:29:45) COMMERCIAL BREAK
3:1 (3:00/21:32:45) TENAY & WEST DANCE CONTEST
- Tenay music on out ["Crank Day Soulja Boy (Superman)" by Soulja Boy]
- Tenay stands on table and krumps
- West music on out ("Milkshake" by Kelis)
- West stands on table, drops it as if it is hot
- Tenay pops, locks
- West does his booty back and forths
- Tenay C-Walks on guardrails
- West over Tenay w/ Macarena in sea of trading cards
- West wins $360, X-BOX 360
3.2 (1:15/21:34:00) PRETAPE - CRYSTAL LOUTHAN W/ KEVIN NASH
- Producer: The Swerved
- Kevin Nash looks like an old basketball coach
- Crystal: "Kevin Nash, Samoa Joe has confined himself in his Samoan residence in Samoa. It appears that he will be there for a while. How long is Joe going to hold out?"
- KN: "Joe will sign when he's good and ready."
- Crystal: "How do you know that?"
- KN: "When it rains, or when I feel a premonition coming on, my surgically repaired knees play a melodic tune. Joe's gonna sign because my knees told me so. Do you want to hear the actual song?
- Crystal: "What does it sound like?"
- KN: "It's loud. It sort of sounds like Mariah Carey having difficulty on the toilet."
- Crystal: "Pass."
- KN: " I know. Everyone does."
- CRYSTAL: "Tonight, you're set to face off against Tyson Tomko. Any thoughts?"
- KN: "Yes. Tyson, how did you get your tattoos so symmetrical on your body? Did you use magic?"
- Tomko walks on set, frustrated and confused
- Tomko: "No, I'm a level 30 druid, not a level 21 mage, stupid. What kind of warlock are you?"
- Nash and Tomko argue about World of Warcraft until security breaks them up
B3 (3:30/21:37:30) COMMERCIAL BREAK
4.1 (:30/21:38:00) VTR - TNA SPOT - SHINY WRESTLING VIDEO GAME GRAPHICS W/ POOR GAMEPLAY
4.2 (1:30/21:39:30) PRETAPE - CRYSTAL LOUTHAN W/ KAREN ANGLE
- Producer: The Swerved
- Location: AJ Styles' personal dressing room (each wrestler has his/her own personal dressing room). In total, there are 50 separae dressing rooms in the building
- Crystal attempts to interview AJ, who consoles Karen with soft-spoken readings of Goodnight Moon
- Karen complains and screams because AJ doesn't show her the pictures as he reads
- TBD
4.3 (1:00/21:40:30) ON CAMERA W/ MIKE TENAY & DON WEST
- React to matches, segments, dance contest result
- In anger, Tenay breaks XBOX 360 over West's head
- Tenay's Another Day in Paradise PPV card rundown
- Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe w/ Kevin Nash in a Samoa Joe Will Win It All, One Year Too Late Match for the TNA World What Have You
- Christian Cage vs. Tyson Tomko and AJ Styles for the TNA Tag Team Titles in a Handicap Match
- Booker T & Sharmell vs. Robert Roode & Payton Banks in an Intergender-Tag-Team-Six-Sides-of-Steel-Traci-Brooks-on-a-Pole-Match
- Eric Young vs. RelliK for RelliK's backwards K
- "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal vs. Sonjay Dutt for the X-Division Title
- Petey Williams and Scott Steiner vs. Lance Hoyt and Jimmy Rave
- Awesome Kong vs. Someone Who Will Lose for the TNA Knockout Title
- Jim Cornette vs. Sudoku
4.4. (:45/21:41:15) SKY & LOVE (HO-BAG)
- Ring announcer's mic up, complains about the prevalence of lower back tattoos
4.5 (:45/21:42:00) KIM & ODB (BABYFACE)
- Ring announcer's mic up, notes that not all Asian women are attractive, personality is paramount.
4.6 (5:00/21:47:00) MATCH: KNOCKOUT TAG TEAM MATCH
- Producer: The Swerved
- Production note: Keep it sexy and uncomfortable for young male teenagers watching with their parents, grandparents, or legal guardians
- ODB grabs breasts, self; drinks from flask, kicks one leg in air in unflattering manner
- Sky and Love struggle to be seductive
- Love shuts down ODB
- ODB grabs breasts, self; drinks from flask, kicks one leg in air in unflattering manner
- Sky and Love use double team move w/ sexual connotations
- Gail Kim comeback on Sky and Love
- Babyface double team on Sky backfires
- ODB and Kim: dissention for first time ever
- ODB grabs breasts, self; drinks from flask, kicks one leg in air in unflattering manner
- Love over Kim with sexually suggestive finish
- Love and Sky music on out (Ring announcer's mic on line, complains about the prevalence of lower back tattoos for second time)
- Love and Sky celebrate as victorious, on-screen ho-bags
- ODB grabs breasts, self; drinks from flask, kicks one leg in air in unflattering manner
- Outshot: ODB grabs breasts, self; drinks from flask, kicks one leg in air in unflattering manner
4.7 (2:00:21:49:00) VTR - OVER ERIC YOUNG MONTAGE, JAMES EARL JONES SOUND-ALIKE EXPLAINS THAT YOU MUST AVENGE HIS DEATH
- NOTE: During break, viewers change channel to take quick look at better Thursday programming
B4 (3:30/21:52:30) COMMERCIAL BREAK
5.1 (2:00:21:54:30) SAMOAN FEED VIA SAMOAN SATELLITE
- Samoa Joe picks up his Samoan phone to order Chinese food, but realizes he is Samoan. Silly fool. Chinese food is for Chinese people.
- Cornette raises his arms in triumph, believes he has finished puzzle. Joe corrects him. Cornette has put the number 5 twice in the top right region. Cornette is sad.
- Matt Morgan is tall
5.2 (2:00/21:56:30) PRETAPE - CRYSTAL LOUTHAN W/ RELLIK
- Producer: The Swerved
- RelliK enters set on pony
- Crystal: "RelliK--I guess horse whisperer is RelliK spelled backwards. Get it?"
- RelliK: "That's not correct at all. In this particular instance, I do believe you are in the wrong."
- Crystal: "It was just a joke."
- RelliK: "Yes, but who laughs with you? Crystal, what is a joke if no one is present to chuckle?
- Crystal: "Huh?"
- RelliK: "No, not 'Huh?' You say 'Pardon me, young man?"
- Crystal: "Anyway, what do you have to say about your match against Eric Young at Another Day in Paradise, sponsored by award-winning musician and TNA deity Phillip David Charles Collins?"
- RelliK: "I'll tell you this much, my dear lady. Eric Young will not get my backwards K, unless he asks nicely. Onward, Sprinkles the Enchanted Pony! Away to Rainbow City!"
- RelliK and his pony ascend to the heavens
- Stardust rains over Crystal
B5 (3:30/22:00:00) COMMERCIALS FOR NEVER BACK DOWN, THE MOST EXCELLENT MOVIE EVER ABOUT ARROGANT A-HOLES FONDLING EACH OTHER ON STOLEN SCHOOL GYMNASIUM MATS
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