Distributor:
World Wrestling Entertainment Films in association with Don't Go In There, Bitch (There's A Monster Behind That Door) Pictures
The Swerved
Stephen Rivera
Crime/Drama/Wrestling/Mining/Pretending to Hit Dudes in the Face with Fists
When Sledgehammer Meets Sledgenail
Plot:
In the 21st century, Triple H (Hunter Hearst Helmsley), a multi-time world champion, finds happiness and wealth in the comfort of WrestleMania main events while taking his young daughter, A.R. (Aurora Rose), with him on the road to gain sympathy from wrestling audiences everywhere. In the year 2008, Triple H gets a tip on another shot at the World Wrestling Entertainment Championship on the land of the Citrus Bowl in the lively city of Orlando, Florida. While Triple H attempts to acquire the gold, he encounters the current owner Randy Orton, the young champion of World Wrestling Entertainment who strives to become the lankiest title holder in the history of wrestling, and challenger John Cena, a struggling miner who wears jean shorts and smirks more than necessary. As the gold rush begins, Triple H's desire for wealth and power leads to his descent into madness, driving him away his own family, friends, and fellow members of the Oprah Book Club.
The following PREVIEW has been approved for SOME AUDIENCES by the Motion Picture Association of the Swerved
The film has been rated T for being Triplelicious
Under 17 requires accompanying parent, adult guardian, or individual who is ready for this jelly
(Triple H, adorned in his trademark beard and an Evolution-era suit which he found deep within a box of breakfast cereal, sits on his WrestleMania 22 throne. Next to his throne stands Aurora Rose, his young daughter, wearing a felt version of her father's beard and a flowery dress fashioned from the scraps of Triple H's previous Evolution suits. He clears his throat, stares down at the floor, then addresses the millions of fans of professional wrestling before him in a dusty, dark and muggy room.)
Triple H: Ladies and gentleman...
(Up and over a desert hill, the D-Generation X tank which invaded WCW in 1999 appears and comes to a stop. X-Pac peeks his head out of the tank and looks around with a confused expression on his face as if he is saying "Where am I? What year is it? Who is dealing with the X-Factor right now?")
Triple H: I've travelled over half our country to be here tonight. I couldn't get away sooner because Stephanie McMahon wanted some Shasta.
(Next, Triple H drives an old-timey jalopy across the sandy terrain with Aurora in the passenger seat.)
Triple H: Even though Shasta isn't sold in our area, Stephanie is quite the difficult wench, so I had to see to it to hook her up with some drinkage.
(A flashback of Triple H, standing on the middle turnbuckle, presenting his World Heavyweight Championship to the crowd is shown. Times this visual by eleven for a more accurate representation of his career so far.)
Triple H: In return, Stephanie granted me five million pounds of gold. She has also told Vince and Shane to give me two million pounds of gold each. So, ladies and gentleman; if I say I'm a gold man you will agree.
Triple H: I'm a gold man--I run a gold business. This is my daughter and my partner, Aurora Rose H.
(Triple H points to his daughter A.R., who tries to Pedigree small farm animals in the bankground.)
Triple H: Wrestling audience, you have a great chance to see something you have never seen before...
(On top of the D-Generation X tank, Triple H holds an infant Aurora Rose in his arms and teaches her how to spit out breastmilk in a dramatic manner.)
Triple H: Though, bear in mind, you will never witness it if you do not watch.
(Fast forward to present day. Wrestling legend and future WWE Hall of Famer, "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair, greets Triple H and Aurora in his sequined, feathered robe as they leave the tank.)
Ric Flair: You guys are a regular family business.
A.R.: You guys? I have a cooter, sir.
(On the grounds of the Citrus Bowl, Triple H shakes the hand of one John Cena. A flashlight is glued to Cena's trucker hat to form a makeshift miner's helmet. In the following scene, Jim Ross sits with Cena by the fire; Triple H and Aurora look on.)
Jim Ross: This man is tougher than a two-dollar government mule scalded pig bowling steak shoes, and a vessel for the holy industry of professional industry, by gawd. He has a chain gang of marines.
(Cena stands on the stage of the Church of Cena, an establishment created in the vision of his WWE Championship Spinner Belt. As he preaches on the WWE microphone, he spins the pews. In response, the adoring crowd twirls around him. With great passion, Cena hurls the microphone into the air.)
John Cena: And when the phone is a ring-ringing, we will be bling-blinging.
(Back at the meeting in the dark room, Triple H pleads his case to the group.)
Triple H: I'm in title contention like no other main eventer in this company...
(In an empty ring, gold championship belts spew from the center and cover the arena with a twinkling sheen of shiny brilliance.)
Triple H: And this is why I can guarantee to start wrestling on Pay-Per-View to entertain you and back my word.
(As the world championship titles begin to collide with another, they turn into Intercontinental title belts. Somewhere in the shot, Triple H is furious.
Once again, Triple H addresses the wrestling fans at the crowded meeting.)
Triple H: I can assure you, ladies and gentleman, whatever the other men promise to do, when it comes to the showcase of the immortals, they will reveal themselves to be nothing but mortals...
Stephen Rivera
(At the Citrus Bowl, the wrestling ring bursts into flames. The fire leaps into the sky while people flee from the catastrophe. In the distance, a manic Triple H, dripping with melted gold, yells at Shane McMahon.)
Triple H:There's a golden chance at WrestleMania in front us today. No one can be a part of it except for me.
(Covered in dirt and gold, Triple H squints up at the golden fire.)
(On the day of the big event, John Cena and Triple H engage in a discussion on the front row stands of the Citrus Bowl.)
John Cena: I will always admit that you are a better wrestler and performer than me, but when do I get my title, Hunter?
(Triple H replies by slapping John Cena in the face with young Aurora. On the night before, Triple H sits up against the base of the WrestleMania XXIV stage. He speaks to an individual off-camera.)
Triple H: I wrestle other wrestlers and see nothing worth liking.
(Just before the WrestleMania XXIV main event is about to start, the stage explodes in a violent, fiery blaze. Men, women, and children scatter towards the exits while the production crew runs to the stage to keep it from toppling onto them. In the next scene, an angry Triple H stands over a scared John Cena in the back pew of Cena's church.)
John Cena: Don't bully me, Triple H. I'm not as good as you. I cannot strike back, nor am I allowed to tell you off. Triple H, please.
(A fallen Cena lies motionless in the center of a wrestling ring.)
Triple H: I see the worst in wrestlers.
(Triple H kneels on the stage of the Church of Cena while John preaches to the crowd.)
John Cena: Today, we have a sinner with us that needs to be a spinner.
(John spins Triple H in circles and cleanses him with holy water, scooped up with the assistance of his trucker hat. He has to be fast because a mesh hat is not conducive to dramatic and efficient religious cleansings.)
John Cena: Get out of this body, barbaric demons.
(At Cena's modest home, first seen in his rap video, which appeared as though it was taped at a yuppie summer barbeque, Triple H puts his arm around Aurora Rose and glares at John.)
Triple H: I have a desire in me... I want no one else to have the spotlight...
(Aurora Rose lights Cena's house on fire. She throws a children's sledgehammer through his window and shatters it. Meanwhile, Cena looks on from the outside of his burning home.
A series of shots appear over frantic violin music: Cena preaches to his fans, Triple H runs away from the WrestleMania XXIV fires with a burnt, unconscious Aurora in his arms, and Triple H looks at his Orlando, Floridian surroundings in the ring with his arms raised in victory. Finally, Triple H speaks for a second time to the off-camera character, next to the WrestleMania XXIV stage.)
Triple H: I can't keep main eventing like this on my own... with these... "superstars"...
(Triple H giggles in a manly way, then licks his strawberry flavoured Ring Pop. Yes, he does.)
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