Royal Tenenbaum will kick some ass at WrestleMania in the spring of its 24th year Over the next decade, he and World Wrestling Entertainment will share much success, but then they will separate
Are they severing ties? At the moment no, but it doesn't look good Does he still love WrestleMania? Of course he does Does he still love Vince McMahon? Yes very much, but Vince has asked him to leave and he must respect Vince's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame Is it WWE's fault? No, no; obviously both Vince and Royal have made certain sacrifices as a result of making money, but no, Lord Triple H no Then, why did Vince ask him to leave? He really doesn't know anymore; maybe Royal Tenenbaum wasn't a Loyal Tenenbaum to Vince as he could have been But Vince says th-- Let's just drop it, shall we, wrestling audience?
They will never really forgive each other
The Question: Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT MONTH
The Swerved looks at WrestleMania XXIV: He's Got My Delicious Subway Sandwich.
AND
Oh, national store chain, what big savings you have. The better to save big bucks, my dear.
Deep down, I believe that Vince Russo is a good person. Of course, you may think otherwise, but what do you know? Have you ever tried to write a script for an edition of TNA Impact before? Have you ever walked in the shoes of one of the most creative minds in modern day professional wresting? Have you ever made an attempt to view the world from Vince Russo's perspective and live his grueling life? If you have answered in the negative to the previous three questions, you have no right to judge Mr. Russo in such a harsh manner. While he has made quite a pretty penny in his writing endeavours, you have made nothing--zero dollars, zero Deutschmarks, and zero yen. You sit on your sofa covered in plastic like a king, eating your glorious feast of fried turkey gonad and pork face on a paper plate, looking down upon those you deem unworthy of your kudos. How dare you, reader. How dare you and three-quarters of a half.
Now that I am aware of the stress that one must endure in the creation of a weekly TNA Impact episode, I am a better person. The sun shines much brighter than before, the beautiful spring flowers smell more beautiful, and the trees around me are a lot more tree-ier.
If you must, continue to insult the performers and viewers of TNA until you faint, but if you try to put down my good friend Vincent, I am going to find out where you live, walk up to your front door, knock on that very front door of yours, then stand for a while in the open because nobody is home, then leave when it gets dark. I'm for serious. If you want to mess with Vince Russo, you're going to have get through me first, player dislikers. Don't think I haven't been in a fight before. I know how to karate another.
And now, let's have at it with the second hour of the Swerved's TNA Impact.
SEGMENT 6
6.1 (1:15/22:01:15) ROBERT ROODE W/ PAYTON BANKS (HEEL) - Roode: "Hey Booker--my hair is quite wet and stringy tonight. If you want to touch it, why don't you come out here and feel it?!" - Payton: "Yeah, and my name is a pun about money."
6.2 (1:00/22:02:15) BOOKER T W/ SHARMELL T (BABYFACE)
6.3 (3:00/22:05:15) IN RING W/ ROODE & BOOKER (HOORAY) - Producer: The Swerved - Booker: "I don't care what texture your hair is, man--I'm simply here to feud with you for a time period longer than necessary. Look, I'm sick and tired of your sparkly robe, which you took from Terry Taylor. We're coming close to our Intergender-Tag-Team-Six-Sides-of-Steel-Traci-Brooks-on-a-Pole-Match and I'm forced to converse with you at such a close range? You smell like damp clothes. Did you bathe yourself in wet socks today? - Roode: "You know what, Booker--you're right. This morning I bathed in wet socks, then I put on this flashy robe. Then, this afternoon, I punched a bunch of defenseless women in their privates before I entered the Impact Zone. Hey Sharmell, you know what I'm talking about, right? Punchy, punchy, punchy goodness. Yeah, that's how I do. That's right. Booker, this is what Robert Roode does. I appear on television with my bad guy scowl and try to act like Curt Hennig and Rick Rude at the same time. I'm a dynamo, my brother." - Booker: "Who the hell you calling brother, sucka?" - Roode: "I'm saying that you and I were born from the same womb, but I came out of our mother two minutes before you did. At Another Day in Paradise, sponsored by our lord and saviour Phil Collins, we shouldn't fight. Instead, let's hug, like brothers." - Booker: (looks at Sharmell and then shakes his head at Roode) "Hell no. We aren't even the same colour. I don't even know your mother." - Roode takes out his wallet to show Booker pictures of his mother--Booker looks at the wallet-sized photos, then peers at the audience; Booker nods his head as if he is saying: "Yes, she appears to be a nice and familiar woman indeed." - Booker turns around--Roode attempts to deck him - Booker ducks the punch as if he is saying: "But she's not that nice and familiar. The other day, Traci Brooks told me that your mother doesn't give money to telethons when they come on." - Booker punches Roode in facial area - Booker walks off w/ Sharmell--w/ Roode screaming at them--"You're going to touch my wet and stringy hair, whether you like it or not! I spent five hours trying to make it look as wet and stringy as possible! My work will not go to waste!" - Outshot: Payton Banks touches Roode's wet and stringy hair with expression of approval
6.4 (1:30/22:06:45) SAMOAN FEED VIA SAMOAN SATELLITE - JEREMY BORASH W/ SAMOA JOE - Producer: The Swerved - Location: Samoa Joe's vehicle--the Kia Samoan - Samoa Joe tries to drive his Samoan car out of the Samoan driveway of his Samoan home in Samoa - JB breaks the news to Samoa Joe that Samoan cars run on the tears of young Samoan children - Samoa Joe is from Samoa - TBD
B6 (3:30/22:10:15) COMMERCIAL BREAK - GIRLS GONE WILDER: A GROUP OF SEXY, INEBRIATED GIRLS WATCH WILLY WONKA AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY IN HD
SEGMENT 7
7.1 (:30/22:10:45) VTR - TNA SPOT - MIKE TENAY WEARS SUNGLASSES, DANCES IN AN EMPTY IMPACT ZONE IN DRESS SHIRT, SOCKS AND UNDERWEAR
7.2 (2:00/22:12:45) PRETAPE - CRYSTAL LOUTHAN W/ LANCE HOYT, JIMMY RAVE, CHRISTY HEMME & CHRISTIAN CAGE - Producer: The Swerved - Crystal: "Rock 'n Rave Infection, Christy Hemme, even though nobody likes you, it appears if you are trying to make fans care about you through the use of visual references to Guitar Hero. Are you sure Guitar Hero is still hip with the kiddies? Don't you think Rock Band is the superior musical-instrument-related rhythm game for next generation consoles?" - Hoyt: "Hey--do you know who you're talking to? You're talking to old tramp stamp himself, Lance Hoyt--the rockingest rock star in TNA. You're talking to Jimmy Rave, the ravingest rock star in TNA. You're talking to Christy Hemme, whose butt is now full and not at all hungry, thank you very much. But, Crystal, yeah, we might be a little dated with our pop culture references. We may give shout outs to the wrong city on occasion, and we may win one match out of a thousand, but look at us. We're guitar heros and heroines! Nothing else matters." - Rave: "That's right, Lance. Crystal, I wouldn't be partners with a guy named Lance unless he was awesome. Now, don't me and Lance make an awesome team? Since we make such an awesome duo, it's only a matter of time until everybody else starts to think that the Rock 'n Rave Infection is awesome too. Look out, Petey Williams and Scott Steiner. This bucket of awesome is coming for you at the Pay-Per-View." - Rave attempts to play "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" on expert; he fails miserably, yet tries again - Hemme: "Jimmy, you have to go green, green, blue, yellow, red, orange, blue, green, blue, yellow, yellow, orange, red, not green, green, yellow, blue, red, orange, blue, green, blue, yellow, yellow, orange, red." - Rave: "I don't need your help, woman!" - Hoyt, Rave and Hemme leave--Christian Cage walks into the shot - Cage: "You know what--I like to walk into the middle of interviews for no reason. I'm proud of the fact that I'm able to interrupt segments without punishment from TNA management. While Edge cavorts around World Wrestling Entertainment with his World Heavyweight Championship, isn't it great that I get to walk around this dark and dim Impact Zone without a care in the world? Isn't that a great big pile of special, drenched in a super ladle of special sauce? Anyway, at Phil Collins' Another Day in Paradise, I get the chance to walk around TNA with both tag titles around my waist. The only thing that I have to do is get through my former buddies--Styles and Tomko. AJ, I hope you know that you're facing the Instant Classic. You see, AJ, I'm an Instant Classic because you can put me in the microwave for three minutes and I'm instantly ready to serve... a classic ass-whipping that is. And Tomko--go ahead and face Kevin Nash--you go ahead and face him tonight and I will be sitting at ringside scouting you--because you see--Christian Cage likes to wander around the Impact Zone like a confused hobo--and confused hobos win over guys who look like Kratos from God of War each and every time. Don't you forget it, AJ and Tomko. I'm coming for the both of you."
ROCK 'N RAVE INFECTION vs. LATIN AMERICAN XCHANGE
7.3 (:45/22:13:30) ROCK 'N RAVE INFECTION W/ CHRISTY HEMME M & E (HEEL) - Ring announcer's mic up, praises Hoyt for his lower back tattoo (hypocritical declaration)
7.4 (:45/22:14:15) LAX W/ SALINAS M & E (BABYFACE) - Ring announcer's mic up, believes Salinas' breasts are real and presents various charts and graphs to prove his claim - Go to break, uncontrollable laughter during claim
B7 (3:30/22:17:45) COMMERCIAL BREAK - ADVERTISEMENTS FOR MALE BODY WASH, WHICH NEVER FAILS TO SMELL LIKE STALE CAR FRESHENER--THE SCENT THAT ATTRACTS ALL THE PRETTY LADIES
SEGMENT 8
8.1 (4:00/22:21:45) MATCH: TAG TEAM DIVISION BATTLE - Producer: The Swerved - Production note: Keep it kosher out there - Match starts: once we come back from break - Homicide attacks Rave early - Rave comes back to shut down Homicide - Rave and Hoyt play guitar - Hoyt dominates Homicide, argues tramp stamp is manly - Homicide makes comeback on Hoyt and Rave w/ Rock Band drum set - Hernandez w/ power moves on Hoyt and Rave - Christy Hemme's butt requires nourishment - Hoyt runs at Hernandez, flies over top rope onto Hemme by accident - Hernandez and Homicide double-team Rave - Hernandez pins Rave w/ Border Toss into Canada - Christy Hemme's butt eats a small bag of Cool Ranch Doritos - LAX music on out (Ring announcer's mic on line, uses grainy 1980 documentary about breast augmentation to prove that Salinas' bosoms are real) - Outshot: Salinas' bountiful chest anchors her to earth's surface
8.2 (3:20/22:25:05) VTR - JEFF JARRETT SPINS PINWHEEL TO PUT VIEWERS IN GULLIBLE TRANCE, TRIES TO JUSTIFY THE HIRING OF ADAM "PACMAN" JONES
8.3 (1:30/22:26:35) PRETAPE - CRYSTAL LOUTHAN W/ "BLACK MACHISMO" JAY LETHAL, SoCAL VAL & SONJAY DUTT - Producer: The Swerved & Phil Collins - Crystal: "Black Machismo, at Another Day in Paradise you defend your X-Division Title against . . ." - Lethal: "She calls out to the man on the street--'Sir, can you help me? It's cold and I've got nowhere to sleep. Is there somewhere you can tell me?'" - Crystal: "Okay, but at the Pay-Per-View you have to face your former friend and . . ." - Lethal: "He walks out but doesn't look back. He pretends he can't hear her. She starts to whistle as he crosses the street. Seems embarrassed to be there." - Crystal: "Right, sure. Well, SoCal Val, since Black Machismo doesn't seem to be with it tonight, how about I get your thoughts about Lethal's defense against . . ." - Lethal and Val: "Oh, think twice. It's just another day for you, you and me in paradise. Oh, think twice. It's just another day for you, you and me in paradise." - Crystal: "What are you talking about? I just want to know what you . . ." - Sonjay Dutt walks in the shot and sits on a stool under shadows, appearing to move in stop motion - Dutt: "She calls out to the man on the street. He can see she's been crying. She's got blisters on the soles of her feet. Can't walk but she's trying." - Crystal: "Can anybody just . . ." - Lethal, Val & Dutt: ""Oh, think twice. It's just another day for you, you and me in paradise. Oh, think twice. It's just another day for you, you and me in paradise." - Crystal walks off in frustration - Lethal, Val & Dutt continue to croon
B8 (3:30/22:30:05) COMMERCIAL BREAK - TIME LIFE'S PHIL COLLINS GREATEST HITS COLLECTION, WHICH URGES YOU TO "PHIL" IN THE BLANKS OF YOUR HEART... WITH THE POWER OF SONG
SEGMENT 9
9.1 (:30/22:30:35) VTR - TNA SPOT - TNA KNOCKOUTS CHAMPION AWESOME KONG AND HANDLER RAISHA SAEED RECREATE WILL "THE THRILL" AND BOOGALOO SHRIMP'S "APACHE" DANCE
9.2 (1:00:22:31:35) SAMOAN FEED VIA SAMOAN SATELLITE - JEREMY BORASH W/ SAMOA JOE - Producer: The Swerved - Location: Samoa Joe's vehicle--the Kia Samoan - Samoa Jeremy and Samoa Joe sing Samoan version of "Samoan Rhapsody (Nothing Not Samoan Really Matters To Samoa)" by Samoa Queen--a Queen cover song from Samoa
9.3 (1:00/22:32:35) ON CAMERA W/ MIKE TENAY & DON WEST - Tenay and West make up, share root beer float w/ two straws in one glass à la Archie and Betty or Veronica - Another Day in Paradise PPV card rundown - Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe w/ Kevin Nash in a Samoa Joe Will Win It All, One Year Too Late Match for the TNA World What Have You - Christian Cage vs. Tyson Tomko and AJ Styles for the TNA Tag Team Titles in a Handicap Match - Booker T & Sharmell vs. Robert Roode & Payton Banks in an Intergender-Tag-Team-Six-Sides-of-Steel-Traci-Brooks-on-a-Pole-Match - Eric Young vs. RelliK for RelliK's backwards K - "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal vs. Sonjay Dutt for the X-Division Title - Petey Williams and Scott Steiner vs. Lance Hoyt and Jimmy Rave - Awesome Kong vs. Someone Who Will Lose for the TNA Knockout Title - Jim Cornette vs. Sudoku
9.4 (1:30/22:34:05) VTR - ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE PREVIEW PACKAGE
9.5 (1:30/22:35:35) PRETAPE - CRYSTAL LOUTHAN W/ JIM CORNETTE & MATT MORGAN - Producer: The Swerved - Cornette is HAPPY - Cornette: "Let me make this perfectly clear. When I started this Sudoku puzzle, and when I sought the help of Samoa's own Samoa Joe, I never thought I would be able to finish it. My goal wasn't to get it done!! I wanted to see how far I could get. Sudoku is not a game for the losers--it's one for the winners! But you know what--I do everything I can in TNA to the best of my ability. And before I knew it--without Matt Morgan's assistance because he doesn't like to do much than stand there and look tall--I got it done! And you know what--I don't care who knows it--this man loves his Sudoku. At Another Day in Paradise, I take on one of the most difficult puzzles in a fight of MMMOOORRRTTTAAAALLL SSSSSUUUDDDOOOKKKUUU! I'm ready. Are you, Sudoku? You got Jimmy "The Pharmacist" Cornette all riled up in here now!"
B9 (3:45/22:39:20) COMMERCIAL BREAK - ADVERTISEMENT FOR WORLD WRESTLING ENTERTAINMENT... WHOOPS... THAT'S TNA'S BAD
SEGMENT 10
KEVIN NASH VS. TYSON TOMKO
10.1 (:45/22:40:05) TYSON TOMKO W/ AJ STYLES M & E (HEEL) - Ring announcer's mic up, talks about types of penny candy he dislikes, likes, and feels so-so about - Christian Cage is already out, being instant and classic for the entire match
10.2 (:45/22:40:50) KEVIN NASH M & E (BABYFACE) - Ring announcer's mic up, tries to speak between bites of grilled chicken gyro - Kurt Angle is already out at the top of the ramp, doing whatever his theme song says he does (don't really know because The Trademarc says things too fast)
10.3 (2:30/22:43:20) MATCH: MAIN EVENT BATTLE - Producer: The Swerved - Production note:Record match from wrestlers' waists up in order to keep Nash's marionette strings (which are holding him up for the match) from appearing on screen - Nash pummels Tomko until Karen Angle entrance - Karen Angle run-in on ramp, argues w/ Kurt - Tomko shuts down Nash w/ distraction - Kira Angle run-in on ramp, aruges w/ Karen and Kurt about cold TV dinner - Tomko and AJ double-team Nash, but get caught up in his marionette strings - Right Angle run-in on ramp, argues w/ Kira, Karen and Kurt at 90 degrees
B10 (3:30/22:46:50) COMMERCIAL BREAK
***OFF CAMERA DURING COMMERCIAL BREAK***
(3:30/22:46:50) MATCH CONTINUES - Referee Earl Hebner is unfortuantely obvious w/ his pinfall counts: like always, when Earl jerks his body before three, a kickout occurs - Running man run-in on ramp, struggles to do running man dance in crowd of Angles - Hebner unties Tomko from Nash's strings, joins in on running man dance - AJ and Tomko take over as Nash's puppeteers - Nash joins in on running man dance by force - Tomko gets heat on Nash w/ illegal moves - Christian is a lot more instant than he is classic, or so says his wife - Heat continues
SEGMENT 11
11.1 (2:00/22:53:50) MATCH STILL CONTINUES - AJ tries to pull off Styles Clash on Nash, but attempt looks comical due to size differential - Nash flings AJ over top rope - AJ and Christian Cage confrontation - AJ and Cage fight, Kurt battles Cage on AJ's behalf - Running man runs away in fright, not flashy dance - Karen screams and complains - Kira disinterested - Nash and Tomko try each other's finishers and fail
11.3 (1:30/22:58:20) VTR - PACKAGE EXPLAINS THE IDENTITY OF PHIL COLLINS TO THE YOUNG TNA AUDIENCE, BUT THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THEY SUCK
11.4 (1:30/22:59:50) VTR - GO HOME PACKAGE - SERIOUSLY, GO HOME ALREADY - Final plug for Another Day in Paradise
11.5 (:10/23:00:00) VTR - SPIKE CLOSING ID - APOLOGY FOR EXISTENCE OF MANSWERS
I've got a simple confession to make I look like Edge Some dudes tend to resemble other dudes Did I mention that I look like Edge?
Was I born to play drums or look like Edge? Don't you think I'm the best, the best, the best, the best impersonator of Edge? Don't you think I'm the best, the best, the best, the best impersonator of Edge?
You need to get me a leather trenchcoat The type Edge has on I also want a pair of camouflage tights Before they're gone I'm too busy to get them myself Too busy to choose My footwear should be kickers not sneakers But thanks for the shoes I will never not look like Edge I refuse Matthew Lillard cannot trump me I won't lose
Don't you think I'm the best, the best, the best, the best impersonator of Edge? Don't you think I'm the best, the best, the best, the best impersonator of Edge?
I'm not going to lie you, loyal readers--I am the most intriguing person in professional wrestling analyst history. For example, I have three legs, a bionic face, twenty million dollars in a sock which rests on my nightstand, and a pet turtle that can speak Mandarin. Best of all, I have my own distress signal. What kind of person has his own distress signal, you ask? A good person. Do you have one? No, of course you don't. Unlike you, a bad person who probably likes to engage in underground fights with kindergarten children, I was born to contribute to society and help those in need. To this day, I have dedicated significant time and effort towards the betterment of the world around me. I make sure that your sky is blue, that your grass is green, and that your female valets and performers are the sluttiest ladies you can find on television. Unlike you, the embodiment of all that is evil, I make a difference. In return, I do not demand a thank you; I never expect any compensation for my altruism. I just want to be acknowledged for my efforts.
The other night, TNA President Dixie Carter flashed the Swerved logo to the night sky. Although her attractive-for-her-age mouth did not utter a single word, I knew exactly what she needed. This week, I plan to give her what she wants. As of this writing, TNA Impact requires my creative assistance. Every Thursday, wrestling fans tune in to Spike TV to see male-oriented greatness, only to witness sloppy bouts, disappointing skits involving nothing but cheesy nautical references, and Kip James existing on the planet. While ratings have been steady, I'm positive that Dixie knows the program is on the brink of death and self-destruction. While a regular man will likely fail in his attempt to turn total nonstop lumps of coals into shimmering diamonds of action, I will succeed. I will not rest until TNA Impact flourishes and dominates its competition. Until the day I am but a distant memory in the dirt, I vow that TNA Impact will be number one.
If you refuse to believe in my extraordinary abilities, my script for an upcoming episode is sure to change your mind. Don't blink now. Wrestling episodic greatness might pass you by.
SHOW 3?? AIRDATE: ??/??/08 FINAL VERSION
1.1 (:10/21:00:10) VTR - TNA SIGNATURE ID/ROARING MIKE TENAY IN LOGO
1.2 (1:00/21:01:10) VTR - RECAP -EPISODE NAME: TENDER LOVE AND KAREN - Karen Angle in black dress: different look - Karen Angle complains and screams - Team 3-D complains from Impact 3/13 - Karen Angle complains and screams - Steiner has a stern word with the World and X-Division Title briefcases - Karen Angle complains and screams: new
1.3 (1:00/21:02:10) PRETAPE - Producer: The Swerved - Location: Samoa Joe's Samoa home in Samoa - JB: "We're live on tape in the isle of Samoa, home of the Samoan Submission Machine Samoa Joe, where Joe has been in seclusion, locked up in his own hut, a hut which doesn't even have more than one type of pizza, for the entire week. As wrestling fans around the immediate universe wait patiently for Samoa Joe to sign that lucrative TNA contract with Jim Cornette, Joe has imprisoned himself for the time being and wants to be a pretty big jerk about the whole thing. Apparently, the reason that the signing has been postponed over and over again is due to the fact that Kevin Nash told Joe to hold out for more money, but he may have told him to hold out for more honey like Winnie the Pooh, or more funny for that matter. I couldn't understand most of their talk as Nash's surgically repaired knees sound like two cement mixers when he walks. Nevertheless, I can feel the signing coming in the Samoan air tonight. Within the next two hours, hopefully Joe will leave this home, take that supersonic Samoan jet to the Impact Zone, and sign his Samoan name on the Samoan dotted line. Samoa."
1.4 (:24/21:02:34) VTR - TAPED OPEN - DON WEST FEEDS A SMALL AFRICAN VILLAGE W/ HIS ENTHUSIASM ALONE
1.5 (:15/21:02:49) VTR - ARENA SHOTS (ONE THOUSAND MAN-CHILDREN, ONE DISINTERESTED WOMAN) - Announcers, mics up, audience throw up hands w/o care
1.6 (:15/21:03:04) PYRO & FAMILY-FRIENDLY SHENANIGANS (EX. SOMEBODY THROWING A BUCKET WHICH FANS BELIEVE TO BE FILLED WITH WATER, BUT IS ACTUALLY FILLED WITH CONFETTI)
1.7 (5:46:00/21:08:50) IN RING W/ JIM CORNETTE AND MATT MORGAN - Producer: The Swerved - Cornette: "Well, as TNA's official commissioner slash unofficial personality who looks the most like a pharmacist, I stand in this hexagonal ring with a clipboard in my left hand, a pen in my right hand, and a contract on the clipboard in my left hand. The contract on the clipboard in my left hand is meant for Samoa Joe, who is not here tonight because he wants to be a pretty big jerk about the whole thing. Nevertheless, I will be here in my office for the remainder of the show. Actually, I can wait all night. I gots electronic Sudoku, muthasuckas."
1.8 KURT ANGLE (OLYMPIC GOLD MEDALIST) - Angle enters, out from under the center of the Earth - Angle: "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I am the TNA World Heavyweight Whatchamacallit. At that Pay-Per-View named after a Phil Collins song, I am set to face Samoa Joe. Jim, let me inform you that if Joe will not sign with TNA, he will not be a contracted wrestler. If he is not a contracted wrestler, he will not be allowed to compete at the Pay-Per-View. If Joe is not allowed to compete with a Pay-Per-View, he will not challenge for the TNA World Heavyweight Doodad. If Joe does not challenge for the TNA World Heavyweight Doodad, I will not have to compete in the main event. If I do not have to compete in the main event, I will not be defending the belt-like thing which I hold. And finally, that belt-like thing which I hold was in Tremors with Kevin Bacon."
1.9 SAMOA JOE (SAMOAN FEED VIA SAMOAN SATELLITE) - Samoa Joe eats Samoan pan pizza w/o toppings, like a fool - Joe: "You know what, Kurt? I may not be at Universal Studios tonight, but come Sunday at that Phil Collins-themed Pay-Per-View, I'm gonna tap you out and take your title. And Cornette, I would sign your TNA contract right now, but the doctor said I need to lay off TNA contracts for a bit. Until then, rest assured that I am from Samoa. I think you two need to recognize that." - Kurt: "Joe, the only thing I need to recognize is that I wear the same kind of tights in every one of my matches. Also, you can't see what I'm doing right now, but I'm giving you the finger. The finger I am giving you is the ring finger." - Joe: "Well, that leaves me the pinky. I don't believe in giving the middle finger." - Kurt: "Me too." - Cornette: "I'm sick and tired of you two bickering. Starting tonight, I'm going to do what's best for TNA. Now Kurt, since you like to brag about your accomplishments, why don't you back up your words in a matchup with "Big Poppa Pump" Scott Steiner, a man who doesn't know even know what the word 'word' means? Samoa Joe, because you're not here tonight, you will help me finish this Sudoku puzzle." - Kurt Angle is a tad scared. Meanwhile, Matt Morgan suggests that Cornette put a 3 where a 6 should be in the puzzle. In response to Matt's poor advice, Cornette storms out of the ring. - Show theme music on out
1.10 (1:15/21:10:05) PRETAPE - CRYSTAL LOUTHAN W/ TEAM 3-D - Producer: The Swerved - Ray and Devon appear very large - Crystal: "Brother Ray and Brother Devon, Jim Cornette has announced the tag bout that you demanded tonight. It's going to be Team 3-D against the Motor City Machine Guns in a ladder match." - BR: " You know, girl who is better than Leticia Cline, if Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin want to fight us for the fifty-thousandth time, let them. Hell, if they want a ladder match, that's fine by me. Let's put a ladder in there. I have no idea what we're climbing for, but a ladder is fun. Small fellows can flip off the ladder. Plus, I can wear the ladder over my shoulders and spin around like I'm Terry Funk. Ladders cured a disease or something once. I don't know. I heard it from a friend of a friend." - BD: "Hush up, child." - BR: "And, Brother Devon here can use the ladder to talk like Whoopi Goldberg. It's going to be great." - Ray and Devon walk off
1.12 (:10/21:10:15) VTR - BUMPER - UP NEXT SHARK STONE COLD BOY VERSUS PETEY WILLIAMS
2.2. (1:45:21:14:45) PRETAPE - CRYSTAL LOUTHAN W/ SHARK STONE COLD BOY - Producer: The Swerved - Shark Stone Cold Boy acts like Stone Cold Steve Austin - Crystal: "Shark Stone Cold Boy, is it just me, or are you imitating Stone Cold Steve Austin?" - SSCB: "Give me a hell yeah." - Crystal: "I don't have a hell yeah to give you. I forgot it at home." - SSCB: "Boy 24:7 says I just bit your ass." - Crystal: "That's a whole lot of time biting others' asses. You never like take a break and eat some fishsticks once and again?" - SSCB: "Well, now that you mention it, it's not 24:7. To be honest, it's more like Boy 8:5. You know, like a typical work week. Anyway, that much time spent biting others' asses is still fairly intimidating." - Crystal: "Tonight, you face Petey Williams. Are you ready?" - SSCB: "Oh hell yeah." - Crystal: "Oh, here is a hell yeah is my non-existent pocket. There you go." - SCSB: "Thank you, muchly."
SHARK STONE COLD BOY VERSUS PETEY WILLIAMS
2.3 (:45/21:15:30) SHARK STONE COLD BOY (BABYFACE) - Ring announcer's mic up, confesses his love for cold boys
2.4 (:45/21:16:15) PETEY WILLIAMS (HEEL) - Ring announcer's mic up, laughs at grown man whose name is Petey
2.5 (7:00/21:23:15) MATCH: X-DIVISION MATCH - Producer: The Swerved - Production note: Keep it real - MATCH: Petey Williams flexes - Williams shuts down Shark Stone Cold Boy - Shark Stone Cold Boy comeback - Clam juice on Williams - DQ finish for improper use of clam-related libations - Shark Stone Cold Boy music on out (Ring announcer's mic on line, runs down clam juice ingredients) - Outshot: Stone Cold Steve Austin almost wakes up from a deep sleep
2.5 (3:00/21:26:15) SAMOAN FEED VIA SAMOAN SATELLITE - Samoa Joe tries to add Samoan shrimp on his Samoan pizza. He's definitely a fool. - Informs Cornette that he already used an 8 on that Sudoku puzzle. Cornette thanks him.
B2 (3:30/21:29:45) COMMERCIAL BREAK
SEGMENT 3
3:1 (3:00/21:32:45) TENAY & WEST DANCE CONTEST - Tenay music on out ["Crank Day Soulja Boy (Superman)" by Soulja Boy] - Tenay stands on table and krumps - West music on out ("Milkshake" by Kelis) - West stands on table, drops it as if it is hot - Tenay pops, locks - West does his booty back and forths - Tenay C-Walks on guardrails - West over Tenay w/ Macarena in sea of trading cards - West wins $360, X-BOX 360
3.2 (1:15/21:34:00) PRETAPE - CRYSTAL LOUTHAN W/ KEVIN NASH - Producer: The Swerved - Kevin Nash looks like an old basketball coach - Crystal: "Kevin Nash, Samoa Joe has confined himself in his Samoan residence in Samoa. It appears that he will be there for a while. How long is Joe going to hold out?" - KN: "Joe will sign when he's good and ready." - Crystal: "How do you know that?" - KN: "When it rains, or when I feel a premonition coming on, my surgically repaired knees play a melodic tune. Joe's gonna sign because my knees told me so. Do you want to hear the actual song? - Crystal: "What does it sound like?" - KN: "It's loud. It sort of sounds like Mariah Carey having difficulty on the toilet." - Crystal: "Pass." - KN: " I know. Everyone does." - CRYSTAL: "Tonight, you're set to face off against Tyson Tomko. Any thoughts?" - KN: "Yes. Tyson, how did you get your tattoos so symmetrical on your body? Did you use magic?" - Tomko walks on set, frustrated and confused - Tomko: "No, I'm a level 30 druid, not a level 21 mage, stupid. What kind of warlock are you?" - Nash and Tomko argue about World of Warcraft until security breaks them up
B3 (3:30/21:37:30) COMMERCIAL BREAK
SEGMENT 4
4.1 (:30/21:38:00) VTR - TNA SPOT - SHINY WRESTLING VIDEO GAME GRAPHICS W/ POOR GAMEPLAY
4.2 (1:30/21:39:30) PRETAPE - CRYSTAL LOUTHAN W/ KAREN ANGLE - Producer: The Swerved - Location: AJ Styles' personal dressing room (each wrestler has his/her own personal dressing room). In total, there are 50 separae dressing rooms in the building - Crystal attempts to interview AJ, who consoles Karen with soft-spoken readings of Goodnight Moon - Karen complains and screams because AJ doesn't show her the pictures as he reads - TBD
4.3 (1:00/21:40:30) ON CAMERA W/ MIKE TENAY & DON WEST - React to matches, segments, dance contest result - In anger, Tenay breaks XBOX 360 over West's head - Tenay's Another Day in Paradise PPV card rundown - Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe w/ Kevin Nash in a Samoa Joe Will Win It All, One Year Too Late Match for the TNA World What Have You - Christian Cage vs. Tyson Tomko and AJ Styles for the TNA Tag Team Titles in a Handicap Match - Booker T & Sharmell vs. Robert Roode & Payton Banks in an Intergender-Tag-Team-Six-Sides-of-Steel-Traci-Brooks-on-a-Pole-Match - Eric Young vs. RelliK for RelliK's backwards K - "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal vs. Sonjay Dutt for the X-Division Title - Petey Williams and Scott Steiner vs. Lance Hoyt and Jimmy Rave - Awesome Kong vs. Someone Who Will Lose for the TNA Knockout Title - Jim Cornette vs. Sudoku
GAIL KIM & ODB VS. VELVEY SKY & ANGELINA LOVE
4.4. (:45/21:41:15) SKY & LOVE (HO-BAG) - Ring announcer's mic up, complains about the prevalence of lower back tattoos
4.5 (:45/21:42:00) KIM & ODB (BABYFACE) - Ring announcer's mic up, notes that not all Asian women are attractive, personality is paramount.
4.6 (5:00/21:47:00) MATCH: KNOCKOUT TAG TEAM MATCH - Producer: The Swerved - Production note: Keep it sexy and uncomfortable for young male teenagers watching with their parents, grandparents, or legal guardians - ODB grabs breasts, self; drinks from flask, kicks one leg in air in unflattering manner - Sky and Love struggle to be seductive - Love shuts down ODB - ODB grabs breasts, self; drinks from flask, kicks one leg in air in unflattering manner - Sky and Love use double team move w/ sexual connotations - Gail Kim comeback on Sky and Love - Babyface double team on Sky backfires - ODB and Kim: dissention for first time ever - ODB grabs breasts, self; drinks from flask, kicks one leg in air in unflattering manner - Love over Kim with sexually suggestive finish - Love and Sky music on out (Ring announcer's mic on line, complains about the prevalence of lower back tattoos for second time) - Love and Sky celebrate as victorious, on-screen ho-bags - ODB grabs breasts, self; drinks from flask, kicks one leg in air in unflattering manner - Outshot: ODB grabs breasts, self; drinks from flask, kicks one leg in air in unflattering manner
4.7 (2:00:21:49:00) VTR - OVER ERIC YOUNG MONTAGE, JAMES EARL JONES SOUND-ALIKE EXPLAINS THAT YOU MUST AVENGE HIS DEATH
- NOTE: During break, viewers change channel to take quick look at better Thursday programming
B4 (3:30/21:52:30) COMMERCIAL BREAK
SEGMENT 5
5.1 (2:00:21:54:30) SAMOAN FEED VIA SAMOAN SATELLITE - Samoa Joe picks up his Samoan phone to order Chinese food, but realizes he is Samoan. Silly fool. Chinese food is for Chinese people. - Cornette raises his arms in triumph, believes he has finished puzzle. Joe corrects him. Cornette has put the number 5 twice in the top right region. Cornette is sad. - Matt Morgan is tall
5.2 (2:00/21:56:30) PRETAPE - CRYSTAL LOUTHAN W/ RELLIK - Producer: The Swerved - RelliK enters set on pony - Crystal: "RelliK--I guess horse whisperer is RelliK spelled backwards. Get it?" - RelliK: "That's not correct at all. In this particular instance, I do believe you are in the wrong." - Crystal: "It was just a joke." - RelliK: "Yes, but who laughs with you? Crystal, what is a joke if no one is present to chuckle? - Crystal: "Huh?" - RelliK: "No, not 'Huh?' You say 'Pardon me, young man?" - Crystal: "Anyway, what do you have to say about your match against Eric Young at Another Day in Paradise, sponsored by award-winning musician and TNA deity Phillip David Charles Collins?" - RelliK: "I'll tell you this much, my dear lady. Eric Young will not get my backwards K, unless he asks nicely. Onward, Sprinkles the Enchanted Pony! Away to Rainbow City!" - RelliK and his pony ascend to the heavens - Stardust rains over Crystal
B5 (3:30/22:00:00) COMMERCIALS FOR NEVER BACK DOWN, THE MOST EXCELLENT MOVIE EVER ABOUT ARROGANT A-HOLES FONDLING EACH OTHER ON STOLEN SCHOOL GYMNASIUM MATS
Distributor: World Wrestling Entertainment Films in association with Don't Go In There, Bitch (There's A Monster Behind That Door) Pictures
Director: The Swerved
Writer: Stephen Rivera
Genre: Crime/Drama/Wrestling/Mining/Pretending to Hit Dudes in the Face with Fists
Tagline: When Sledgehammer Meets Sledgenail
Plot: In the 21st century, Triple H (Hunter Hearst Helmsley), a multi-time world champion, finds happiness and wealth in the comfort of WrestleMania main events while taking his young daughter, A.R. (Aurora Rose), with him on the road to gain sympathy from wrestling audiences everywhere. In the year 2008, Triple H gets a tip on another shot at the World Wrestling Entertainment Championship on the land of the Citrus Bowl in the lively city of Orlando, Florida. While Triple H attempts to acquire the gold, he encounters the current owner Randy Orton, the young champion of World Wrestling Entertainment who strives to become the lankiest title holder in the history of wrestling, and challenger John Cena, a struggling miner who wears jean shorts and smirks more than necessary. As the gold rush begins, Triple H's desire for wealth and power leads to his descent into madness, driving him away his own family, friends, and fellow members of the Oprah Book Club.
Sneak Peek Trailer
The following PREVIEW has been approved for SOME AUDIENCES by the Motion Picture Association of the Swerved
The film has been rated T for being Triplelicious Under 17 requires accompanying parent, adult guardian, or individual who is ready for this jelly
(Triple H, adorned in his trademark beard and an Evolution-era suit which he found deep within a box of breakfast cereal, sits on his WrestleMania 22 throne. Next to his throne stands Aurora Rose, his young daughter, wearing a felt version of her father's beard and a flowery dress fashioned from the scraps of Triple H's previous Evolution suits. He clears his throat, stares down at the floor, then addresses the millions of fans of professional wrestling before him in a dusty, dark and muggy room.)
Triple H: Ladies and gentleman...
(Up and over a desert hill, the D-Generation X tank which invaded WCW in 1999 appears and comes to a stop. X-Pac peeks his head out of the tank and looks around with a confused expression on his face as if he is saying "Where am I? What year is it? Who is dealing with the X-Factor right now?")
Triple H: I've travelled over half our country to be here tonight. I couldn't get away sooner because Stephanie McMahon wanted some Shasta.
(Next, Triple H drives an old-timey jalopy across the sandy terrain with Aurora in the passenger seat.)
Triple H: Even though Shasta isn't sold in our area, Stephanie is quite the difficult wench, so I had to see to it to hook her up with some drinkage.
(A flashback of Triple H, standing on the middle turnbuckle, presenting his World Heavyweight Championship to the crowd is shown. Times this visual by eleven for a more accurate representation of his career so far.)
Triple H: In return, Stephanie granted me five million pounds of gold. She has also told Vince and Shane to give me two million pounds of gold each. So, ladies and gentleman; if I say I'm a gold man you will agree.
Triple H: I'm a gold man--I run a gold business. This is my daughter and my partner, Aurora Rose H.
(Triple H points to his daughter A.R., who tries to Pedigree small farm animals in the bankground.)
Triple H: Wrestling audience, you have a great chance to see something you have never seen before...
(On top of the D-Generation X tank, Triple H holds an infant Aurora Rose in his arms and teaches her how to spit out breastmilk in a dramatic manner.)
Triple H: Though, bear in mind, you will never witness it if you do not watch.
(Fast forward to present day. Wrestling legend and future WWE Hall of Famer, "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair, greets Triple H and Aurora in his sequined, feathered robe as they leave the tank.)
Ric Flair: You guys are a regular family business.
A.R.: You guys? I have a cooter, sir.
(On the grounds of the Citrus Bowl, Triple H shakes the hand of one John Cena. A flashlight is glued to Cena's trucker hat to form a makeshift miner's helmet. In the following scene, Jim Ross sits with Cena by the fire; Triple H and Aurora look on.)
Jim Ross: This man is tougher than a two-dollar government mule scalded pig bowling steak shoes, and a vessel for the holy industry of professional industry, by gawd. He has a chain gang of marines.
(Cena stands on the stage of the Church of Cena, an establishment created in the vision of his WWE Championship Spinner Belt. As he preaches on the WWE microphone, he spins the pews. In response, the adoring crowd twirls around him. With great passion, Cena hurls the microphone into the air.)
John Cena: And when the phone is a ring-ringing, we will be bling-blinging.
(Back at the meeting in the dark room, Triple H pleads his case to the group.)
Triple H: I'm in title contention like no other main eventer in this company...
(In an empty ring, gold championship belts spew from the center and cover the arena with a twinkling sheen of shiny brilliance.)
Triple H: And this is why I can guarantee to start wrestling on Pay-Per-View to entertain you and back my word.
(As the world championship titles begin to collide with another, they turn into Intercontinental title belts. Somewhere in the shot, Triple H is furious.
Once again, Triple H addresses the wrestling fans at the crowded meeting.)
Triple H: I can assure you, ladies and gentleman, whatever the other men promise to do, when it comes to the showcase of the immortals, they will reveal themselves to be nothing but mortals...
FROM WRITER/DIRECTOR/SANDWICH ARTIST Stephen Rivera
(At the Citrus Bowl, the wrestling ring bursts into flames. The fire leaps into the sky while people flee from the catastrophe. In the distance, a manic Triple H, dripping with melted gold, yells at Shane McMahon.)
Triple H:There's a golden chance at WrestleMania in front us today. No one can be a part of it except for me.
(Covered in dirt and gold, Triple H squints up at the golden fire.)
HUNTER HEARST HELMSLEY
(On the day of the big event, John Cena and Triple H engage in a discussion on the front row stands of the Citrus Bowl.)
John Cena: I will always admit that you are a better wrestler and performer than me, but when do I get my title, Hunter?
(Triple H replies by slapping John Cena in the face with young Aurora. On the night before, Triple H sits up against the base of the WrestleMania XXIV stage. He speaks to an individual off-camera.)
Triple H: I wrestle other wrestlers and see nothing worth liking.
(Just before the WrestleMania XXIV main event is about to start, the stage explodes in a violent, fiery blaze. Men, women, and children scatter towards the exits while the production crew runs to the stage to keep it from toppling onto them. In the next scene, an angry Triple H stands over a scared John Cena in the back pew of Cena's church.)
John Cena: Don't bully me, Triple H. I'm not as good as you. I cannot strike back, nor am I allowed to tell you off. Triple H, please.
(A fallen Cena lies motionless in the center of a wrestling ring.)
Triple H: I see the worst in wrestlers.
(Triple H kneels on the stage of the Church of Cena while John preaches to the crowd.)
John Cena: Today, we have a sinner with us that needs to be a spinner.
(John spins Triple H in circles and cleanses him with holy water, scooped up with the assistance of his trucker hat. He has to be fast because a mesh hat is not conducive to dramatic and efficient religious cleansings.)
John Cena: Get out of this body, barbaric demons.
(At Cena's modest home, first seen in his rap video, which appeared as though it was taped at a yuppie summer barbeque, Triple H puts his arm around Aurora Rose and glares at John.)
Triple H: I have a desire in me... I want no one else to have the spotlight...
(Aurora Rose lights Cena's house on fire. She throws a children's sledgehammer through his window and shatters it. Meanwhile, Cena looks on from the outside of his burning home.
A series of shots appear over frantic violin music: Cena preaches to his fans, Triple H runs away from the WrestleMania XXIV fires with a burnt, unconscious Aurora in his arms, and Triple H looks at his Orlando, Floridian surroundings in the ring with his arms raised in victory. Finally, Triple H speaks for a second time to the off-camera character, next to the WrestleMania XXIV stage.)
Triple H: I can't keep main eventing like this on my own... with these... "superstars"...
(Triple H giggles in a manly way, then licks his strawberry flavoured Ring Pop. Yes, he does.)
What is your favourite WrestleMania of all time? As you answer this question, think about what constitutes a fantastic Pay-Per-View for you. Through the years, the World Wrestling Federation and World Wrestling Entertainment have provided viewers with almost one hundred hours of WrestleMania goodness. Think about WrestleMania I in 1985 and the tag match between Hulk Hogan and Mr. T versus Roddy Piper and Paul Orndoff. Don't forget WrestleMania III's Intercontintental Title bout between the champion Randy Savage and the challenger Ricky Steamboat. Take a gander at the Ulimate Warrior's WWF Championship victory against Hulk Hogan at WrestleMania VI. Fast forwarding to recent times, look at Steve Austin's rise to the top of the company with his win against Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania XIV. Speaking of Stone Cold, remember his epic fight against The Rock at WrestleMania X-Seven, arguably the most popular WrestleMania ever. Also, how about WrestleMania XXIX's opener between the team of Undertaker and Nathan Jones versus Big Show and A-Train? WrestleMania serves up nothing but classics.
Which WrestleMania is your perfect fit? This week, as I complete my special retrospective on WrestleMania 22, contemplate the notion of this event as your WrestleMania of WrestleManias. Do you consider WrestleMania 22 as a good to great friend? Does WrestleMania 22 make you laugh when you are feeling blue? Does WrestleMania 22 keep you warm on a cool night? When you go off to work, does WrestleMania 22 make you a sack lunch of your favourite foods? Does WrestleMania 22 say, "I love you?" If a WrestleMania doesn't love you, that WrestleMania does not deserve to be your life partner.
Now, here's my take on WrestleMania 22.
WrestleMania: Definition
Ress-ull-mayn-ee-uh, n.
1. The showcase of the immortals 2. The biggest event of the year 3. Triple H + Crown = Big Time
Last time, I looked at the first part of WrestleMania 22. It was the most comprehensive review I've ever done. But, it's just going to get more comprehensive-y as I analyze the remainder of this wondrous event.
Match 7: Casket Match Undertaker vs. Mark Henry
With Undertaker's 13-0 streak on the line, wrestling fans around the world were skeptical. Would Undertaker beat Mark Henry in five minutes, or would he defeat him in ten? The look on Henry's face as he walked down the aisle was incredibly telling. "My beard acts like a sponge," he said to himself. What a WrestleMania moment that was.
(I like the fancy quilted Mark Henry Beard paper towels. While the regular brands soak up everyday kitchen counter spills, they fail to clean up heavy-duty accidents, such as mass oil spills in the Pacfic Ocean. When it comes to big messes, Mark Henry Beard brand paper towels are the most reliable paper towels you can find. Get a pack today.)
If you thought that Undertaker was going into that enormous casket, you were sadly mistaken; the casket had Mark Henry's name written all over it. If you looked closely, the casket had certain Henry-like features. For example, the casket was nicknamed The World's Strongest Casket. Also, if you asked it about D'Lo Brown, it'd think fondly about the time they were tag team partners.
(Do you remember when "Sensual Cappuccino" D'Lo Brown helped "Sexual Chocolate" Mark Henry during his quest to lose weight? I do. To my dismay, Henry turned on D'Lo soon after and sided with Jeff Jarrett. How ungrateful. Jeff Jarrett embraced the Atkins Diet, which is a poor nutritional approach according to wrestling dieticians across the globe. D'Lo just wanted you to do a few jumping jacks now and again, Mark. D'Lo simply hoped you would eat a carrot with that cake made entirely out of whale blubber. Why you gotta hate?)
With the strength of the darkside, Undertaker executed the Last Ride and the Tombstone on Mark. If you squinted, it appeared as though Undertaker was executing moves on a bear. Don't think I'm insane for saying that statement. Next time you see Mark Henry wrestle, just squint. He's a bear, or Predator. Anyway, Undertaker closed the casket and was declared the winner of the match. Next time I roll a gigantic man into a box, I want to be named the winner too, which would be splendid.
(I found that Undertaker rolling Mark Henry into the box was an anti-climactic ending. Rolling your enemy into a container is the opposite of exciting. Undertaker should have coaxed Henry into the casket by dangling a toy mouse on a string in front of his face. Mark Henry is not a cat, but he could be with D'Lo Brown's help. Oh wait, that's right. Henry turned on him. Let's forget I said anything.)
Since thirteen men (if you want to count Kane as two men since he faced Undertaker twice at Wrestlemania, go ahead,) could not end the streak, I think I'm the only person who actually knows how to defeat the Undertaker. I think my knowledge of Undertaker's weakness is the main reason why WWE won't hire me as a writer, performer, or diva. Sure Taker, you're the Deadman, but can you handle the wrath of Pikachu? Oh, they told me to catch them all, and I did just that. How are you going to handle it, Eyeliner Jones? Badly, I suspect. Badly.
Winner and still best wrestling undead zombie thing: Undertaker
Match 8: No Holds Barred Match Vince McMahon vs. Shawn Michaels
When I first heard that this was a no holds barred match, I thought they said "No Ice Cream Bar". Good thing that wasn't the case. Man, that would have been a terrible match:
Shawn: "Can I get one with nuts?" Vince: "No." DUD.
(Vince McMahon is a ruthless promoter. In addition, Vince McMahon is a ruthless provider of refreshing frozen treats. He has stolen the stars of the frozen treat business from the frozen treat terrorities to create his dessert empire. The chocolate swirl drumstick with the caramel centre is his modern day Hulk Hogan.)
Luckily, this bout was entertaining. I laughed every time Vince McMahon looked like overcooked bacon, which was often. He's sixty years old with the chiseled physique of a Greek statue and balls that are the size of grapefruits. I think somebody is on the... Sunny Delight. Shawn Michaels resembled a malnourished child in comparison to Vince. I guess that's what happens when you have God on your side. You lose your muscle tone, but you gain darling leather chaps.
(The day after WrestleMania 22, I went to the local grocery store and bought an entire crate of Sunny Delight. I cleared my weight room of all workout-related equipment and stacked jug upon jug of Sunny D in their place. Now that I have tried the Sunny D workout plan, I can safely say that drinking tangy orange juice does not help one gain an absurd amount of muscle mass. Hence, I think Vince McMahon is not a Sunny D user and abuser. He has been lying to us for years. If you ask me, I think somebody is on the... Ocean Spray.)
Regarding the match, the Spirit Squad nor Shane McMahon could help the chairman of WWE keep Michaels down. Towards the climax, Jim Ross started to talk about the weirdest things. I believe he mentioned that Vince was black, or that "Shane McMichaels" was going old school. I don't know who Shane McMichaels is, but I'll take JR's word for it. HBK gave the boss the ass-kicking of the century, eventually executing an elbow drop from an eleventeen foot ladder. It was so amazing, I made up a number to describe its impressiveness.
(Shawn Michaels never fails to deliver at WrestleMania. Today, he may look like a old and withered piece of beef jerky but he's still stopping shows, breaking hearts, and holding the microphone over his head so he doesn't have to tell people to service him down under as one-half of D-Generation X. Michaels is talented and smart.)
Shane McMahon looked on in utter disbelief. On the other hand, I was drinking milk at the time, so I looked on in "udder" disbelief. Get it? I'm such a pimp. No wonder I get paid the big bucks to write this stuff.
As the match ended, I summarized my thoughts. Here they are: Number of times I thought Bret Hart would run in: 1,023 Number of times I was saddened by the lack of a Bret Hart run-in: 5,006,938.028 Number of times I thought Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels should create their own variety show entitled the Hitman Heartbreak Screwjob Variety Hour: (Number not available due to immenseness of size.)
(Who wouldn't watch the Hitman Heartbreak Screwjob Variety Hour? In fact, I wouldn't want to meet the person or persons who refuse to watch such a show. This week on the Hitman Heartbreak Screwjob Variety Hour, Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels are going to dress up like Sonny and Cher. Of course, Bret Hart will be Cher for he is the flamboyant one. Michaels will be the late Sonny Bono because he strikes me as a probable member of the U.S. House of Representatives. They've got me, babe. They've got me hooked on the Hitman Heartbreak Screwjob Variety Hour.)
With the pin on Mr. McMahon, Shawn was immortalized. He became the first wrestler ever to defeat a bloody Vince McMahon. Get HBK a world title run. If I know my WWE history, he has never won one.
Winner and still winner: Shawn Michaels featuring God
(When Shawn Michaels kneels down on the ramp and raises his hands up to heaven, I like to do the same. Although, when I take kneel down, I'm not praising God; I'm waiting for the letter X to accidentally from a cloud into my waiting hands. This TNA reference has been brought to you by Geico Insurance and Mike Tenay's Serious Facial Expressions: They're Seriously Funny.)
Match 9: World Heavyweight Championship Match Kurt Angle (c) vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Randy Orton
Nine minutes was the amount of time this match was given. Nine minutes is also how long I can last in bed (doing crossword puzzles). I was amazed how short this contest was, until I witnessed the Super-Mega-Bonanza-Extravaganza that was the main event.
(To tell you the truth, I don't know how long I can last in bed. Whenever I am in the mood, the New York Times crossword puzzle shuts me down and tells me it has work in the morning. From now on, answer 54 down yourself, puzzle. I'm tired of your excuses. What kind of crossword puzzle works an office job? What kind of company hires a crossword puzzle anyway?)
P.O.D. (Pineapples Over Duluth) performed Rey's theme song "Booyaka 619." They were on a fake building, which was odd. I wanted them to appear through the building's windows instead. It'd be like a game of Peekaboo, except it'd be Big Time Peekaboo, or possibly Big Time Peekabooyaka. How come when Rey wears a funky headress, he gets cheered, yet when I wear my novelty top hat, people stare at me like I'm a freak?
(I'm not your sideshow, general public. I'm not your Mr. Peanut. You can't honey roast me. Sadly, Rey Mysterio will miss WrestleMania XXIV with a bicep tear. Meanwhile, my top hat and I will strolling down the injury-free boulevard all the way to the Citrus Bowl. As of this writing, I am not scheduled to appear in a WrestleMania XXIV match for I am not a current employee of Vince McMahon. Nevertheless, I will be in the Orlando, Florida area in case a certain promoter requires my talents. My top hat is ready for the big stage. My hat has languished in Ohio Valley Wrestling for two years. I don't care if Vince McMahon changes the hat's name to "Novelty Cranial Garment." Based on the Swerved version of the Chinese calendar, 2008 will be the year of the top hat. Also, the year 2009 belongs to opera glasses.)
I'm not going to say much about the match, since there was really no match to speak of. All I heard was Michael Cole and Tazz going on and on about the characteristics of the three combatants. Kurt Angle is bald; Rey Mysterio is small; Randy Orton is forever in the "arms up" position. I get it.
Though, I want to take note of the double German suplex spot because it was a clever maneuvre. Truly, the move enabled all three men to embrace each other lovingly. It can't get any better than man-on-man-on-man-in-ring-love, wrestling fans.
(This year, I raise my champagne glass to the possibility that we will get to see a similar spot in the WWE Title Match with Randy Orton, Triple H, and John Cena. Since the hardcore followers of World Wrestling Entertainment believe that Triple likes to politic his way to the top, I suspect that Hunter will use his power to solidify his role as the man behind Orton and Cena during the double German suplex spot? Why? The man executing the German suplex spot gets to kick-start the mid-air thrusting action. If Triple H wishes to attain the title of King of Mid-Air Thrusting, he will have to mid-air thrust his way to WrestleMania superstardom.)
In the end, Mysterio did the unthinkable and pinned Randy Orton with the West Coast Pop. The arena went ballistic as Mysterio was handed a title that was larger than his torso. He dragged it around the ring as comical music played. As he hoisted it above his head, his knees buckled and Mysterio fell in a haphazard heap. The crowd was delighted, but they also weren't for that didn't really happen.
At the top of the ramp, Chavo and Vickie Guerrero appeared to congratulate Rey. Chavo pointed up to the sky and said, "There are lights up there, as well as pictures of wrestlers. Did you see?" Rey began to cry since Eddie loved lights and pictures of wrestlers just as much as he does. Alas, the power of Booyaka triumphed in Chicago all thanks to the Mysterio victory.
Booyaka wins out every time. Booyaka is a way of life. Booyaka is a state of mind. In the morning, I don't put syrup on my pancakes. I put "booyaka."
(Recently, I've learned that booyaka is laced with rat poison. While I do not condone the use of rat poison on pancakes, a small dollop of rat poison on a fluffy breakfast starts the day off right.)
Winner and new World Heavyweight Champion... of the World: Booyaka
Match 10: Playboy Pillow Fight Candice Michelle (c) vs. Torrie Wilson (c)
The match all the gents and fellows in the land were waiting for was up next. In the battle of "Who looks better naked with the assistance of airbrushing and soft lighting?", fans were divided. Did Torrie look more beautiful and sexy in her birthday suit, or did Candice Michelle use the power of the Go Daddy dance to give the readers of Playboy a more exciting look at her girl parts? The following war was to settle the aforementioned score.
(Looking back on her entire WWE career, Torrie Wilson has disappointed me. Other than her intriguing relationship with Tajiri, I yawn in response to her days in World Wrestling Entertainment. You know, I preferred her a lot more when she was a part of World Championship Wrestling. For your information, Torrie Wilson was a favourite of mine in the land of Theodore R. Turner. Actually, she was my second favourite lady, right behind Tygress. You see, not only did Tygress feel Konnan's shirt, Tygress stopped feeling his shirt when Konnan said, "That's enough!" Tygress knew her boundaries as a shirt-feeler and I respected that.)
It's a shame that pillows hurt women more than they hurt men. I didn't realize the plight of the female species until I found that secret out. Good thing I have this apparatus between my legs which separates me from the opposite sex. I don't know what it's called. Is it named Pablo?
Jim Ross gave the ultimate insult at the conclusion of this match: he used the "bowling shoes" reference. While smelling bowling shoes is a wonderful way to sample the scent of multiple strangers' feet at once, it is not a great experience as far is wrestling is concerned. The crowd crapped on the match, which I didn't understand. The match had women... in lingerie... fighting. You paid money to see it. If you don't like the sight of breastal assault, go read a book or something. A book on dongs.
(To those of you who disliked the Playboy Pillow Fight between Candice and Torrie's toned female bodies, why don't you answer the door? Ding dong. Who is it? It's a man's wang. Aren't you going to greet it? Hannah-Barbera was right--a gay old time will be had by all. Have fun.)
In case you noticed the headline, I put a C next to their names on purpose. I'm sure Candice Michelle is the champion of something, but I'm not exactly sure what. She's in Playboy, so she definitely has talent. Most likely, she is the champion of talent. On the other hand, Torrie Wilson is still with the company, so she's the champion of keeping of her job.
(The WWE has made the following match official for WrestleMania XXIV: Candice Michelle and Maria will face Melina and "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon" in a Playboy BunnyMania Tag Team Match. Melina and "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon" will represent all women who have not yet posed for Playboy (the current total is 4). Meanwhile, Candice and Maria will be supporting the She-Woman Clothes Haters Club. Every woman's dream is to not wear clothes on their body. Cheerful hoorays to Candice and Maria for living that dream.)
Winner and still WWE employee: Torrie Wilson
Main Event (Match 11): WWE Championship Match John Cena (c) vs. Triple H/Hunter Hearst Helmsley/The Game/The Cerebral Assassin/The King of Kings/The Monarch of the Mat/Sledgehammer McMahon
Entrances in Summary - Triple H Step 1: Lemmy sings "Ehhhhhhhhh King of Kings ehhhhhhhh." Step 2: Throne with smoke. Step 3: L-O-L at H-H-H with crown and animal pelt. Step 4: Triple H is angry. Step 5: Disappointment that he will not wrestle with crown.
(Triple H's refusal to wear the crown for the duration of the match ruined the main event of WrestleMania 22 for me. What a morose king he was, too. His entire walk to the ring was spent moping and sulking. If I was wearing Triple H's get-up, I would have cartwheel my way down the ramp with the biggest grin on my face. People tell me that I shouldn't cartwheel to Motorhead songs, but what do they know? You haven't lived until you cartwheeled to "The Game." It's all about the wheel, and how you cart it.)
Entrances in Summary - John Cena Step 1: Introductory vignette -- "Life was hard and in black and white." Step 2: Let's not mention that they're mobsters. Step 3: CM Punk looks confused with plastic gun. What are you looking for, man? Step 4: John Cena is going to reveal that he's naked under that coat. Step 5: Whew, no he's not. Aw crap. Bullets in the sky. You're killing the angels, Cena. What did they ever do to you?
(John Cena confuses me with his elaborate entrances. As I watched the 2006 Royal Rumble, I scratched my head in confusion until it bled as he came down the ring on a spaceship. John Cena is not a time-traveller, intergalactic space cadet, or a Star Trek captain for that matter. What gives? Thanks to WWE Films, we all know John Cena is one thing and one thing only--an overpowered saviour of kidnapped spouses from stupid bad guys. Look out for 12 Rounds, WWE's 2009 film release, in which John Cena kills ten inept criminals with an F-U into a street covered in banana peels.)
While the main event was not a exciting bout, it was the most intriguing match of the evening due to fan reaction alone. For some reason, people were on Triple H's side. I think it's because he has several nicknames, whereas John Cena only has a shiny belt and hip hop on his side. If you listened to Jim Ross' commentary prior to this match, you'd know that this was a battle of "Old School vs. New School." It was tradition vs. rap. It was Vince McMahon trying desperately to keep Cena as a babyface versus Vince McMahon trying to coax fans into thinking that if they booed Cena, they were uncool. I don't know about you, but I've always been uncool. Actually, I've been known as a "room temperature" human being; I'm perfectly okay with that label. Why should grapple enthusiasts be any different?
(On a cool scale from one to ten, John Cena comes in at a three because adult white guys dressing in baggy clothes has become sad rather than cleverly ironic. On the other hand, Triple H is a solid gold nine. I don't know if you know this, but Triple H is down and with it the childrenseses. For instance, Triple H gives Bratz: The Movie two crotch-chops up. He hopes his daughter Aurora will get to live the life of a Bratz doll and grow up to wear slutty clothes while having an enormous head. Best of luck to you and yours, Hunter.)
With the crowd on the edge of their thousand-dollar seats, John Cena slapped the F-U on Triple H. The King of Kings tried to get to the ropes as Cena screamed. Cena's Angry, Shaking Face. Strangely enough, Triple H tapped out to the move. In the arena, people were baffled. In particular, one man had the greatest WTF face ever. I would tell that guy shocking news every day just to see that face again. He brings sunshine to the rainstorm that is my life.
(Bless you, WTF Face Guy, wherever you are in this crazy world we call Earth. WTF Face Guy, have I got some news for you. The price of wheat is going up. Kids are not getting enough exercise. An African-American man and a Caucasian woman have a shot to become the next President of the United States. Hogan Knows Best is no more. Scott Baio is 46... and pregnant. What do you think of those stories, WTF Face Guy? Are you shocked? You are? Awesome. I am not crying because I am sad; I am crying happy tears. Do not worry about me. Thanks to you, I feel alive.)
I don't know about you, but I think some people aren't keen-a to John Cena. See how cheesy that line was? Yeah, that's pretty much indicative of Cena's entire tenure on RAW as a good dude who tries to say funny stuff. Weeks ago, when he called Vince "Darth McMahon," a part of me died inside--the good part. It was the same part that was on life support after he countered one infamous Triple H promo with "You just won me five bucks in the 'What is Triple H gonna say?' pool." Only five bucks? Amateur. Try twenty rupees, you ass.
(I am sorry, World Wrestling Entertainment. I cannot cheer for a man who speaks about serious wrestling business in a cutesy tone of voice. Then again, I am not twelve years old and I do not house fertilized eggs. I double-apologize for my shortcomings. One day, may I find the Cup of Christ and drink my years away. When the time is right, may I win myself a brand new, female reproductive system on a sketchy game show from Yugoslavia. Until then, I am no fan of John Cena. Them's the breaks.)
Winner and still WWE Champion of Bling Bling: John Cena
Final Thoughts on WrestleMania 22:
1) Overall, an enjoyable WrestleMania. I'm glad I watched it. 2) WWE should have more epic entrances, such as Viscera emerging from the straw of a gigantic milkshake. His milkshake could bring all the boys to the yard. Who knows? 3) Big Time (They're on their way, they're making it.)
Predictions for WrestleMania 23, live from Ford Field in Detroit, Michigan
- Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Hulk Hogan
(Dear Lords of the Squared Circle; I beg of your help. Lest we forget of the greatest dream match in professional wrestling history. Neither Austin nor Hogan will agree to lose, but if you can hear me, please find the means to make this match happen. As long as Austin can stun another and drink beer, I see no reason why he cannot participate in this bout. As long as Hogan can drop his leg in a gentle manner over an opponent's upper torso, he can be a part of this match. I do not expect the best. I just expect a match. Do what you can, Lords of the Squared Circle. I will be waiting.)
- Dave Meltzer vs. Bryan Alvarez (Some time during the 2007 edition of the Royal Rumble, Dave and Bryan will debut as the New Heart Throbs. They will come out with red headbands and matching tights and perform the happy thrust dance in each other's direction. They will attack the Big Show and try to eliminate him from the rumble, but will fail. Big Show will execute the double chokeslam on them. They will be dumped violently on the outside. As they regain their composure, Dave and Bryan will go nose-to-nose, blaming each other for their elimination. With the crowd buzzing in anticipation, Dave and Bryan shake hands. As Dave walks to the back, Bryan will turn him around and superkick Mr. Wrestling Observer square in his observing face. While Dave lays stunned on the ground, Bryan will stare down at him with great intensity in a moment reminiscent of Shawn Michaels' turn on Hulk Hogan. Surely, this is the beginning of the best feud ever.
(Dear Lords of the Squared Circle; I beg of your help. Lest we forget of the greatest dream match in professional wrestling analyst history. Neither Meltzer nor Alvarez will agree to lose, but if you can hear me, please find the means to make this match happen. As long as Meltzer can sit backwards on a chair and type one thousand words per minute, I see no reason why he cannot participate in this bout. You know what I mean? As long as Alvarez can complain about TNA with humourous results, he can be a part of this match. I do not expect the best. I just expect a match. Do what you can, Lords of the Squared Circle. I will be waiting.)
- If I had to say, maybe professional wrestling?
(I was wrong. In the end, WrestleMania 23 transformed into a disc golf tournament before my very eyes. Frisbees were here, frisbees were there. Frisbees were everywhere.)
