The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 36th

The Ghost of Pepe vs. CM Punk

Even through a wood chipper
This stick horse lives, always
This stick horse lives
Always

Chavo has not forgotten me, in this day and age
Chavo has not forgotten me, he chokes up every time he sees a broom handle
This stick inside me is shoved up my neck, my neck
This stick inside me is shoved up my neck, my neck

Even through a wood chipper
This stick horse lives, always
This stick horse lives
Always

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

The WrestleMania talk will conclude. From that point forward, I will talk about ways to rust-proof your children.

AND

A psychic told me your name and I was glad. You didn't return my calls and I got sad. I promise if you meet me, I won't be bad. I just want a chance to talk. Your my father.

WrestleMania 22: The 'Grandiest' Stage of Them All? (Part 1)

To the surprise of many, fans of the Swerved like to come up to me on the street and ask interesting wrestling-related queries. The other day, one young gentleman said, "Hey, guy with the face from that site with words." In response, I said, "What is your question or concern, boy with two hands?" For the next two hours, we commented on aspects of each others' appearance, which was equal parts fun and exhilarating. Moments after that conversation ended, he said, "How come you don't talk enough about WrestleMania?" In the end, I didn't have an adequate answer for him. For the past few years, I have reviewed WrestleMania with hilarious and informative results. Other than those golden pieces of writing, WrestleMania largely goes unmentioned. With this truth in mind, I would like to apologize to the Swerved's loyal fanbase of greasy dudes searching for naked pictures of Melina. In the industry of professional wrestling, WrestleMania is the biggest event of the year. Silly me for not obsessing over the annual Pay-Per-View. I feel ashamed, my family is embarrassed, and Tampax tampons have decided to sever all advertising ties with the blog. I have nobody to blame but myself. What am I going to do when I have those heavy days? Nothing.

For the next two weeks, I take the Swerved's official time machine (a cardboard box with a propellor made out of XFL programs) to April 2006. WrestleMania 22 was the twenty-second installment of the worldwide phenomenon. Peter Gabriel provided the soundtrack, that singer from POD who looks a lot like Matt Hardy performed, and Triple H was a parched barbarian. Looking back, I have much love for this Pay-Per-View. If you ask me, WrestleMania 22 is in the top 23 WrestleManias of all-time. I am not fooling; I am super serious. I swear on the grave of my deceased great-great-grandfather Seamus McFly. In anticipation for this year's event, I will look back at the WrestleMania before last. Please sit down, enjoy the article, and have some complimentary drugs or alcohol. Bring the kids. Infants get to read this article for free.


WrestleMania: Definition

Ress-ull-mayn-ee-uh, n.

1. The showcase of the immortals
2. The biggest event of the year
3. Big Time (They're on their way, they're making it.)
(Even though Peter Gabriel's tune was the official theme, the Pay-Per-View used secondary themes as well because World Wrestling Entertainment isn't World Wrestling Entertainment without angry singers screaming at you over rapid rock guitar riffs. In a year or so, I plan to purchase the company out from under Vince McMahon with the billions of dollars I am making from the Swerved. This way, I will hear nothing but my absolute favourite tunes at WWE events. You know that what means? S Club 7's "S Club Party" will be the official theme to WrestleMania 25: "Somebody's Gonna Face Triple H." If you do not approve of my choice, I will kick your butt from here to Buttkickingville. Mad props to Bradley.)

Chicago's All-State Arena was host to the 22nd edition of the phenomenon known as WrestleMania. There was blood, sweat, tears, and McMahon ass. There were memories made that will last at least fifty Undertaker entrances. April 2, 2006 will go down in the record books as the day that heroes were born, dreams came true, and Cena was revealed as a member of the mafia. Why, John Cena, why? You should have emerged from a deep dish pizza, but no. You let me down, Mr. Cena. You let me down.

(Actually, if John Cena's entrance involved his emergence from a delicious deep dish pizza, he would have been booed. Not only would John Cena come out all gooey and cheesy, he would have ruined a perfectly good deep dish pizza. At WrestleMania 24, I expect John Cena to dress up as a Cuban refugee and enter Orlando's Citrus Bowl on an inner tube. On his way to the ring, he will ride on the backs of two alligators shooting fireworks out of their mouths. With this entrance, John Cena will cement his legacy. He will also offend Cubans, alligators and Cuban alligators.)


Match 1:
World Tag Team Title Match
Kane and Big Show (c) vs. Carlito Corinthian Leather and "The Christerpiece" Mast Christers
(Without "The Masterpiece" Chris Masters on weekly television, I feel incomplete. Until his unfortunate release, I set my alarm clock to "Masterlock Time." For your information, Masterlock Time gave me two hours of extra sleep. Bless you, Chris Masters and your shiny entrance robe. Your robe rivals my shiny bathrobe.)

Just so everybody is aware, I was cheering for Carlito the whole time because his hair was so impressive. I think his hair is on steroids, so I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts.

Carlito and Masters had difficulty working as a team in this match, most likely because Carlito's hair stole the show. This was a decent affair, full of Kane and Big Show signalling for the chokeslam ten times a minute, then Carlito and or The Masterpiece constantly landing on their backs. Honestly, I thought the young, stalliony, blue stud chippers were coming out of this bout victorious with belts, but I was mistaken. It turns out that Kane pinned Masters for a three count, which meant they lost. Someone should tell me these things, because I thought in the world of professional wrestling, the wrestler with the best body won. Anyway, the straps went back to the large dude and the larger dude.

(On the RAW before WrestleMania 22, Kane and the Big Show were involved in a humourous skit in which Show tried to move a forklift which blocked the exit of a room holding Kane inside. Kane came out of the other doorway and told Big Show that he managed to escape. For a moment, Big Show continued to push, but soon came to his senses. An awkward moment between the two ensued; the crowd received the skit with mucho laughter.

This scenario is similar to one involving myself and Jesus Christ. Some time ago, I looked back on my life journey and thought about the times of joy and suffering on the sandy path. When I noticed that only one set of footprints was imprinted on the beach, I asked Jesus why he would betray another and let a young man follow the lead of a follower who was not there. Jesus looked me in the eye and said, "I was driving a forklift the whole time. If I wear sandals on this beach, sand will go everywhere and I'd have to clean them. I'm not going to clean them anytime soon. Are you?" An awkward moment between us ensued. In conclusion, the audience from afar forced me to buy Jesus some sneakers. Thanks a lot, audience. Since he wanted Air Jordans, I had to buy them on Ebay. Now, I'm broke.)


Match 2:
Money in the Bank 2
Winner receives a future World Heavyweight/WWE Title shot, valid up to WrestleMania 23: "Somebody's Gonna Face Triple H"
Ric Flair vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Matt Hardy vs. Finlay vs. Bobby Lashley vs. Me (I guess)
Apparently, I became a competitor by accident. I was using a ladder to get a cat out of the tree at my home (Narnia,) but I ended up falling onto the Peruvian announce table in Chicago instead (I don't know why Peru is suddenly interested in WrestleMania). Passersby chanted E-C-DUB, which took me by surprise since I only wrestled for World Championship Wrestling.

(Today, I find ECW chants fairly insincere. They are emotionless utterances, empty like my wallet after buying Air Jordans for a gentle carpenter. I am so mad. I challenge every wrestling fan in existence to a match at WrestleMania 24. I can take on all seven of you.)

This was the spotty spotfest with lots of spots. I liked when Finlay hit Flair with the shillelagh, because senior-on-senior violence is very entertaining. It's too bad Bobby Lashley didn't win. Maybe his victory would have influenced ABC to bring back Whose Line Is It Anyway? to television. I don't care if his name is Lashley-- that guy is Wayne Brady. I expect him to form a stable with Drew Carey, Ryan Stiles, and Colin Mochrie in the near future. If he doesn't, I'll get ready to rumble.

(Bobby Lashley's WWE release made me sad. I do not understand why such a talent was let go without a fuss. Last year, Donald Trump proved his and our love for Bobby by tackling Vince McMahon and punching him in the side of the ear several times. Does Trump's love for Lashley mean anything to you, WWE? His love is like a ray of a sunshine on a overcast day. How dare you.)

For the second year in a row, Shelton Benjamin was the M.I.T.B. M.V.P of W.W.E.. He flipped a lot and did many inhuman things, like a springboard from the top rope to a ladder, and his transformation into a silvery liquid. I'm not entirely positive he performed the second act, but I assume he's athletic enough to do so.

(WrestleMania 24 will mark the third time that Shelton Benjamin will compete in the Money in the Bank Ladder Match. Once again, he has zero chance of a victory, but I hope to see him perform a bunch of spectacular moves. Perhaps he will climb a ladder, then climb down that same ladder. I can't wait.)

At the end of a tremendous match, Rob Van Dam successfully attained the Money in the Bank briefcase from the Money in the Bank suspended hook. He had trouble holding onto the object, but that's because it put on tons and tons of coconut oil beforehand. The briefcase wanted to look presentable at WrestleMania. Can you blame it?

(High definition programming has forced this year's Money in the Bank briefcase to get a real tan, not one that makes the briefcase look as though it is constantly bleeding orange.)

Congratulations to Rob, but he should be weary of the case's contents. Little does Rob Van Dam know that inside that briefcase, there are snakes. Snakes on a plane.

Winner and new owner of a briefcase: RVD


Match 3:
John "Bradshaw" Layfield (JBL) vs. Chris "The Crippler" Benoit (CCB)
Chris Benoit should have countered JBL's limo entrance with a blimp. Therefore, he could throw Canadian bacon (or, would that be Atlantan bacon?) from the rafters.

If you noticed, two exciting things happened before and after this bout, none of which made the actual match any better. Firstly, the ramp moving up and down was the greatest event in the history of our sport. Secondly, Jillian Hall had cleavage and thought the United States title was "so pretty."

(I never understood Jillian Hall's pairing with John Bradshaw Layfield. Then again, I never understood why WWE introduced Jillain as a girl with a hideous growth on her face. To give an adequate wrestler such an unnecessary characteristic is akin to giving a sweepstakes winner a million dollars, then taking two cents away from that person. The winner doesn't care and neither should we.)

If you like wrestling, Benoit and JBL did that. If you enjoy Eddie Guerrero references, you had several, both negative and positive. When Bradshaw did the Eddie shimmy dance, I thought he was trying to take off an imaginary, leather coat, but the cow mooing in his entrance theme wouldn't have approved.

(Cow "Cowshaw" Cowfield is my favourite entrance cow of all time. Don't bother telling me about other entrance cows. I'm not going to change my mind. Not interested.)

JBL won the title in a dirty fashion, countering the Crippler Crossface into a pin. He used the bottom rope for leverage. I notice that bottom rope gets fondled a lot. Well, it shouldn't dress so skimpily.

(When Rey Mysterio sets opponents up for the 6-1-9, his adversaries drape their bodies all over the middle rope. If the bottom rope is a skank, the middle rope is a whore. Stop giving it out, middle rope. Get some standards.)

I gave the match three thumbs up out of a possible six thumbs, because I only have eight thumbs in total.

Winner and new WWE United States Champion: John "Bradshaw" Layfield and Ton "Fatshaw" Layflab

Match 4:
Handicap Match
Booker T & Sharmell T vs. The Boogeyman T
Some people called this the worst match of the night. They claim the bout featured little wrestling and poor showings by all three competitors. To them, I say, "Your face was the worst match of the night." Oh, snap.

(Your face was actually the third worst match of the night. I'm glad you decided to put up on some makeup for once. Good for you. Enjoy your time away from the bell tower.)

When the Boogeyman put worms in his mouth and kissed Sharmell, I wasn't grossed out. Sharmell's reaction to the worm guts was fine, but the fact that she kept them on her face was mildly unsettling. When Boogeyman pinned Booker T after a falling choke bomb, that finish failed to physically sicken me too. Yet, when JR called Michael Cole "sensational" earlier in the night, I blew chunks and cried uncontrollably for a half-hour. What does that say?

(In 2008, I apologize for my unwarrranted reaction to Michael Cole praise. Due to Jonathan Coachman's brilliant colour commentary, I know now that Michael Cole is a national treasure and America's sweetheart.)

By the way, there has to be point when bait shops stop selling worms to The Boogeyman. He doesn't look like a guy who fishes, for sport nor for food. Am I crazy for saying this statement? Whatever you do, bait salesmen, don't let The Boogeyman purchase goods. He's going to do dastardly acts with them.

(As of late, the Boogeyman has disappeared. Last year's Halloween edition of ECW was the last time I saw the face-painted fellow from the bottomless pit. Did the Boogeyman hit the bottom of that bottompless pit? How could he? The pit is bottomless. Whenever it occurs, I look forward to his return. Due to the rising popularity of internet bait shops, owners of struggling small-town shops are eager for his comeback.)

Winner and still a better character than wrestler: The Boogeyman


Match 5:
WWE Women's Title Match
Trish Stratus (c) vs. Mickie James
Truly, the storyline between these two ladies has been excellent. Not only has their feud been built well but the participants have managed to captivate both men and women alike. What does that say to the males of the RAW roster? Get sex changes and feign lesbianism. It's for the good of the company.

(Feigning lesbianism makes the world go round, people. For centuries, inebriated college girls have made out with each other in the facial area to appear attractive and desirable to males of the same age in the groinal area. When one female French kisses her friend, they are trying to get attention. In addition, they are performing the act for me and me alone. Even so, I do not care for this sensual image for I find it derivative and unimaginative. When two sexy girls get together to build a breakdancing robot, I will care.)

I compare the Stratus/James feud to the one I have currently cooking in my brain. Now who wouldn't want to see this exact same storyline, but with Triple H and a returning Goldberg instead? Bill could re-debut as Hunter's biggest fan. This would beg the question, "Do you love me now, Triple H?! Huh?"

(The Triple H versus Goldberg feud of 2003 made me furious yet sleepy. Goldberg was made to look like a Foolberg. At the same time, I never felt Triple H got his comeuppance. You may think that Goldberg in a Mickie James skirt is ridiculous, but is that attire choice any more ridiculous than Hunter's championship reign of that year? Bicycle shorts without a bicycle? You must be joking.)

Throughout the match, I made the following comment: "Ladies, stop fighting. There's plenty of Milhouse to go around." Actually, I said my name instead of Milhouse, but it wasn't as exciting. Now, I know Mickie James is just a character, but I would totally have sexual relations with her. By sexual relations, I mean I would eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with Mickie James by the meadow. If "sexual relations" is really that other thing my sex education teacher was talking about (an act concerning the placement of a hot dog into a tunnel,) no thank you.

(My new production company, Hot Dogging the Tunnel Productions, will start up in the fall. At the end credits for television programs and films, production companies usually display their logos on the screen, along with a trademark soundbyte to accompany the picture. The logo for Hot Dogging the Tunnel Productions will feature a hot dog weiner lazily rolling into a train tunnel. The soundbyte will be a hesitant man asking, "Is it in yet?")

The bout started off slowly with sparse fan reaction. The match soon picked up with sudden "Let's go Mickie" and "Boo, Trish, boo. What do you have? Two big boos!" chants. The crowd really got into the match when Mickie began to work over Trish's left leg. Why Trish's left leg, you ask? Well, it's the one that broke Mickie's heart.

While I loved the match as a whole, the last minute almost killed it. Mickie James went for the Stratusfaction, but the weight of her cuteness brought both women down. She attempted to salvage the finish with a Mick-Kick, but the strength of her beauty lessened the force of the move. Good thing Mickie is so awesome, or this would have been a disaster of Jackie Gaydanian proportions. Actually, that statement is an exaggeration, but who's going to know? The President? The Pope? His Holiness Orlando Jordan? I don't think so.

(Silence. His Holiness, Orlando Jordan, has come from the hills of obscurity to address the universe. He is writing the letter O in the air with his finger. Now, he is writing the letter J in the air. His Holiness, Orlando Jordan, has returned to the hills of obscurity. May his message ring true for all eternity.)

Winner and new WWE Women's Champion: Mickie James

Match 6:
Hardcore Match
Mick Foley vs. Edge's Shaking, Angry Face w/ Lita
At Wrestlemania, Edge's shaking, angry face ran wild. It was Shaking-Angry-Face-A-Mania. I believe this was the match of the night, but before it took place, I thought Candice versus Torrie was going to take the title.

(Thinking back to WrestleMania 22, look how far Candice Michelle has come as a wrestler and performer. Also, look at Torrie Wilson. I don't know what to look for in Torrie Wilson. If you ask me, just look at something. This is getting uncomfortable.)

From the start of the match, uou could tell Mick Foley was going to go all out since Socko was already peeking out of his pants. Where I come from, when you put a sock in your pants and allow a portion of the foot garment to show, you're asking for bloodshed. Both competitors were nuts, hitting each other with sharp objects and coming back for more. One time, a friend of mine gave me an accidental papercut. I tapped out for four years. I don't know how these wrestlers do it. I bet they "Don't Try That At Home."

(Have you noticed that WWE has changed their warning from "Don't Try This At Home" to "Don't Try This?" Thank goodness that they decided to slightly alter the wording. Tomorrow, I'll am going to "Try That." Sweet.)

I felt Edge's pain when he was back-suplexed onto thumbtacks. Jim Ross should have said, "God damn it! That man is not a bulletin board! Students, don't put announcements on his back!" Also, Lita got physical, taking Socko, wrapped in barb wire, to her food hole. I'm almost positive she has other holes wrestling fans like to talk about, but let us take the high road. By the by, I have an assignment for the readers of this recap. Next time you see Lita, don't call her a ho. You don't know her personally, so don't insult her with derogatory remarks. You should say, "Perchance, she prefers her field plowed in a consistent, orderly fashion by the strenuous efforts of man." By speaking this sentence, you will automatically become a gentleman. Good luck.

(Whatever you think of Lita, at least be glad that she was able to come back on the RAW 15th Anniversary Special and get an appropriate sendoff. Her last appearance should not have been a Survivor Series skit involving Cryme Tyme selling her undergarments and Monistat. If Shad and JTG can't appreciate the fast answers and faster relief that Monistat can provide, I have no respect for them.)

The introduction of lighter fluid into the match suggested to me that something big was about to happen. I knew someone was going through that table. My money was on Lita, but then again, I only had Monopoly money at the time. Edge spearing Mick Foley through the flaming table on the outside of the ring will go down as legendary, if Randy Orton doesn't RKO the visual first.

For those who witnessed this match in person or live on Pay-Per-View, let me ask you something: "What was Edge doing after the spear and the finish?" That's right. He was shaking. You all owe me dinner at Red Lobster.

(You never got me that dinner. I admit that Red Lobster is expensive but you must live up to your end of the deal. I am aware that your budget is tight. Therefore, I am willing to wait until the Endless Shrimp Special returns.)

Winner and still shaking: Edge

This WWEek in WWE Trivia:

Q: Who is the product of your semen?

A: What the hell?


TO BE CONTINUED...

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 35th

Tomb Threatening Match
Tutankhamun vs. Mr. Kennedy

My word
I almost forgot the Ancient Egyptian ruler!
Tutankhamun! Get on over here!

King Tutankhamun
Preserved and mummified
Here he is
The man of the eighteenth dynasty

The Discovery Channel
The great entertainment and educational channel
Called me from the tomb
And said, "Tut. Pharaoh, I'm gonna present you as an important piece of history.
You are deceased but I bet your tomb has teasures."

This right now
is the greatest boy king you will ever see

Not Amenhotep I! Not Amenhotep II!
Not Thutmose I! Not Amenthotep II!
But Tutankhamun, the living image, the classic one!

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

What kind of undead zombie guy uses mixed martial arts submission moves? Undead zombie guys don't watch ultimate fighting. They like Project Runway.

AND

We got eggs.

ManiaPlans: Part 2

Due to WWE's recent switch to high definition programming, wrestling fans will have to pay much more of the dollar-dollar to get their WrestleMania fix. With the the latest price increase of the HD and SD versions of Stamfordian Pay-Per-Views, viewers who purchase WrestleMania XXIV will be expecting a lot more from the grandest stage of them all than a bunch of colourful spotlights and a match involving two scantily clad girls rolling around the ring for five minutes in a vain attempt to hide their lack of wrestling ability. In this day and age, seventy dollars is a lot of money. Recently, seventy dollars bought me a Malibu mansion in the hills of Miami. You may find it odd that I own a Malibu mansion in the hills of Miami, but did you know that seventy dollars was enough to buy me a supersonic jet plane that takes me from Malibu to Miami and back as well? Now that I think of it, the fact that you don't know this information is weird.

Current plans for WrestleMania XXIV are as up in the air as my supersonic jet plane from Malibu to Miami. Some fans appreciate the uncertainty of the event, while others are squirming in their bean bag chairs, fearful of what Sunday, March 30th will bring to their televisions. As a whole, WrestleMania is a spectacle that mostly hits and rarely misses. Because this Pay-Per-View means so much to the company and the industry, World Wrestling Entertainment puts in a significant amount of effort to make the event as good as it can be. Surely, WWE does not need outside help to get the job done, but if they feel that they would be better off with some assistance, their tried and true best friend is present to save the company. In the past, I have been the brains behind such successful Pay-Per-View extravaganzas as The Major League Eating Championship Finals: Can One Man Eat Another? and The Farrah Fawcett Playboy Special: Bosom Calligraphy. If Vince needs me, I can be his fire extinguisher behind that protective glass case which reads "For WrestleMania Emergencies Only." I was born to put out WrestleMania fires, or so it says on my birth certificate.

Do not let me down, Vincent. Lose me with a bad Pay-Per-View and you will lose the world forever. Let's get to stepping.


The Cats in the Cradle

What Will Happen:
Finlay vs. Vince McMahon for the custody of Hornswoggle

What I Want to Happen:
No Disqualification Tag Match
Finlay and Hornswoggle vs. Vince and Shane McMahon (with Mick Foley: Special Guest Referee)
As much as the world adores this father-illegitimate son angle, I have a few problems with it. For one, Hornswoggle is not a kid, yet Vince McMahon treats him as if he is five years old. Does World Wrestling Entertainment know that little people do not equal little kids? Just because Hornswoggle is shorter than average does not mean that Vince McMahon (the character, not the person) should go on television and treat him like a child. What kind of kid makes a tunnel in the wall using spray paint anyway? On the plus side, at least Vince McMahon provides his illegitimate son with the best childhood luxuries. Then again, if Vince McMahon doesn't, I call neglect and indirect abuse. Brother better hook up Hornswoggle with a Capri Sun. Shoot. He better put the straw in right too.

For months and months, Vince McMahon treated Hornswoggle with tough love. He has pitted the young leprechaun against such gruesome fighters as the Coach, the Coach once more and himself. On the next RAW, Vince McMahon is set to face Hornswoggle in a cage match. While I do not have a problem with the match itself, the road to WrestleMania XXIV for Mr. McMahon and Hornilicious does not look intriguing to me. In recent segments, Finlay and Vince have been hinting at a supposed "deal" that was made between the two. As Finlay seems to be mad at Vince for not holding up his end of the deal, Vince is telling Finlay to stop mentioning said deal. Using the advanced technology of NASA and a team of ten white-coated, smart-looking scientists, I conclude that Finlay is Hornswoggle's adopted father. When Finlay found out that Mr. McMahon was Hornswoggle's biological Papa, Finlay handed over Hornswoggle to Vince in hopes that the WWE Chairman could provide the leprechaun with a better life that does not involve living under a ring with random black streaks on his face. Now that Finlay knows Vince for the father that he truly is, he wants Hornswoggle back but Vince refuses to budge. This whole custody battle will lead them all the way to a hard-hitting fight in the confines of the Citrus Bowl. Do I love this idea? Not really. Do I like this idea? Yes, but it could be better.

In the next few weeks, Shane McMahon must appear in this angle as the jealous step-brother who does not think Hornswoggle deserves to be called a McMahon. Before WrestleMania XXIV, Shane and Hornswoggle will fight each other in a match. As Hornswoggle gains the upper hand with Finlay's interference, Vince will attack Hornswoggle with Finlay's shillelagh. From a high place, Shane will fall on Hornswoggle and crush a bag of packing peanuts in the process. Confident that they have taken out Hornswoggle for good, Vince and Shane will challenge Finlay to a No Disqualification Match at WrestleMania. As Finlay accepts, he tells them that he gets to pick the guest referee. Vince and Shane begrudgingly accept and begin to prepare for what they believe to be a handicap match in hilarious ways. At the Pay-Per-View, Vince and Shane will have Finlay on the ropes. Before they go for the pin, Hornswoggle will show up and low blow both of them ten times over with shillelagh-style crutches. In the end, Finlay launches Hornswoggle into Vince and Shane for a Van Terminator/Van Hornswogglenator, then Hornswoggle pins Vince in a finish ripe with poetic justice.

In my humble opinion, you cannot write a better conclusion to a feud between an Irish wrestler from WCW and a billionaire who constantly pants himself than mine.


WWE Divas Match/Eye Candy Bout/Beer Run/Bathroom Break/Fig Newton Feast

What Will Happen:
WWE Women's Title Match
Beth Phoenix (c) vs. Candice Michelle

What I Want to Happen:
WWE Women's Title Match
Beth Phoenix (c) vs. Candice Michelle
Note to the great people of WWE--if you must all of my ideas, give me some credit over here. To be honest, I do not ask for much. Get me a bag with a dollar sign on it and fill it with diamonds and Dodo birds. I do not see how this request is unreasonable. If you wish, let me give you a green marker to draw the sign on the bag.

Since October, Candice Michelle has been on the injury shelf with a broken clavicle. When she took that nasty fall, Candice's chance to regain the coveted World Wrestling Federation Women's Championship in a Two Out of Three Falls Match with "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon" © ™ ¶ ® ? ! passed her by. When the match was complete, she became yet another victim of "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon." Now that Candice is set to return to RAW in the very near future, she must go after "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon" and take back what is rightfully hers. I am tired of "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon" and her Fisherman's Buster, the finisher of "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon." On March 30th, I await the execution of the Candy Wrapper--the one move that will secure Candice's sweet victory. To prepare for the event, I am eating every piece of candy that I own. By the time WrestleMania XXIV begins, my candy wrapper tribute fort will be ready.

Although the Swerved believes that Mickie James is an adorable sun basket of sparkly kittens in space and deserves to wrestle at every WrestleMania, Candice Michelle needs to get her storyline revenge on "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon" before it is too late. You see, I am a young wrestling analyst at the tender age of forty-five months, but the number of things I wish to accomplish in my life before the age of twenty-five are infinite. As far as World Wrestling Entertainment goes, my primary wish is to raise my hands up, raise my hands up, raise my hands up, raise my hands, raise my hands up, raise my hands up, raise my hands up, raise my hands up, raise my hands up, raise my hands up. If "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon" does not get her comeuppance, all eyes will be on a disappointing Pay-Per-View. Also, if Maria somehow wedges her naked Playboy self into the WWE Women's Title Match like previous covergirls, I will fall from the top turnbuckle of my living room and knock myself out in protest. The world would be a better place with a WrestleMania match between former champion Candice Michelle and current champion "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon." Make matches, not war. If WWE doesn't listen to me, they are in for a world of suffering.

Do you know why we have global warming? Every time I do not get the WrestleMania Women's Title Match I want, I cry lava tears. Watch it, WWE. Don't make me start a flood, or a lamp.


Moneys in the Financial Institution

What Will Happen:
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Possible Participants: John Morrison, Shelton Benjamin, Jeff Hardy, Rey Mysterio, Umaga, Ken Kennedy, Carlito, Tommy Dreamer

What I Want to Happen: Money in the Bank Ladder Match
My Participants: Kane, Big Daddy V, Mark Henry, The Great Khali, Batista, Snitsky, Mike Knox, Santino Marella
I am not sure whether this year's Money in the Bank Ladder Match will include six or eight participants, so my plans will involve the maximum number of wrestlers. Last year, I thought eight participants made the match too difficult to follow. When you have four competitors brawling on the outside and two sets of wrestlers exchanging moves on ladders in the ring, watching becomes a great challenge. Message to WWE: Eight is enough. The year you put ten wrestlers into the Money in the Bank Match will be the year that my eyes leap out of my skull and die from exhaustion.

For WrestleMania XXIV, I will call it now and give the metaphorical briefcase to Jeff Hardy. A Money in the Bank victory will be Jeff's consolation prize for not getting a spot in the WWE Title Match. If Rey Mysterio is able to wrestle through his bicep injury, he will without question tear the house--roof, foundation and all--down. Umaga has no chance to win but watching him try to climb a ladder will be amusing and entertaining. Likewise, the rest of the wrestlers that I mentioned have no shot. Of course, Shelton Benjamin will do an innovative ladder spot. Ken Kennedy will look and act like a fool. Other than those occurrences, Money in the Bank will be the Jeff Hardy Fun Time Variety Show.

As you can see from my proposed Money in the Bank Match, I am looking for nothing short of a seven star classic. Where I come from (Narnia), seven star match ratings are illegal. Even so, I am willing to take the risk and give the great fans of professional wrestling what they truly want. While they do not know that they want this match, they are in denial of their innermost desire. What more do you need, people? You have Big Daddy V and Mark Henry as the muscle of the match; you have the Great Khali as the crazed stuntman who will take death-defying falls from twenty-feet ladders without hesitation; you have Batista, who is "Money in the Bank" whenever he shoots his invisible, automatic machine gun at invisible terrorists. Most of all, Santino Marella will be there. During the match, Marella will use his hatred for those who do not like babies and puppies as inspiration to climb the ladder and claim the briefcase as his own. For instance, wrestling enthusiasts are well aware that Gene Snitsky does not like babies for he has punted plastic infants into the crowd in the past. At WrestleMania XXIV, Snitsky will be Santino's punching bag. In addition, my sister's friend's girlfriend's nephew's dog's grandfather's aunt's mailman's astronaut's ladybug's president's eye doctor told me that Kane does not care for puppies. I bet Kane thinks that they are cute at first, but then become burdens when they get older. Also, I think Kane uses his entrance pyro to ward off the affection of cute puppies. Somewhere in Italyland, Santino Marella is furious.

Most of all, my match should answer the biggest question on the minds of internet wrestling fans everywhere: Will Mike Knox's boyhood dream come true at WrestleMania XXIV? Every night, I pray to the sky above to witness Mike Knox win a world title, gain a shot at a world championship, or win one single match. If WWE follows my WrestleMania XXIV plan, success will be Knoxing at his door. What do you think? Well, go ahead and get the bad pun police. I am tired of running.


WrestleMania Goes Extreme

What Will Happen:
ECW Title Match
Chavo Guerrero (c) vs. CM Punk

What I Want to Happen:
ECW Title Fatal Four-Way Match
Chavo Guerrero (c) vs. CM Punk vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Stevie Richards
At first, Chavo Guerero's return from questionable extracurricular actions was mediocre. He expressed his frustations with Vickie Guerrero's relationship with Edge, then made amends with the two, then formed a partnership with the lovebirds and that tag team who wear Edge's old tights and majorly look like brothers. On a recent edition of ECW on Sci-Fi, Chavo defeated longtime champion CM Punk in a No Disqualification Match to become the newest title holder. To be the champion of the modern day ECW is to be the best smelling gentleman at an independent wrestling show, but I digress. Kudos to Chavo for becoming ECW Champion; further kudos to CM Punk for dressing up like a mariachi band member in order to sneak attack Chavo. History has proven that mariachi band members are the most entertaining part of weekly wrestling television. Look back no further than early 2004 when Brock Lesnar danced in the ring to mariachi music. If I was going to face Brock Lesnar in his next MMA match, I would simply enter the octagon with a mariachi band. Together, we would dance around a Mexican hat to perpetuate the Mexican stereotype. The battle would end in a draw, but I digress again.

The recent Gulf of Mexico match between Chavo and CM Punk was interesting for it was innovative. If ECW means chucking your opponent into a large body of water, I will take that over gingerly hitting someone in the face with a closed fist. While Chavo and Punk will have decent to good matches in the future, another rematch does scream WrestleMania to me. Since Shelton Benjamin appears to be the next in line to feud with CM Punk, why not start the angle early? Moreover, it looks as though WWE wants to elevate Stevie Richards from nothing to something. In my opinion, a feud between Richards and Benjamin is a possibility. When you tie in Richards and Benjamin, the match becomes a bit more appealing. When it comes to ECW, I am not a miracle worker; I am simply trying to add an exciting dynamic to the match. Nobody is buying WrestleMania XXIV to see an ECW Title Match. Therefore, I see no harm in a fatal-four way bout. Of course, WWE will shorten the match to four minutes because of the change but at least Stevie Richards will get to show things at WrestleMania. At the very least, people should see the things that Stevie wishes to show on a grand stage. His things are worth showing. His things are worth seeing, whatever they are. I'm guessing he has rare pogs.


The Miscellaneous
What surprises await wrestling fans at the biggest event of 2008? I don't know. I'm not a psychic, nor a garbage man. If I had to guess the unexpected, I would predict the following:

- This year, the WWE Hall of Fame will induct influential figures such as Mae Young, Gordon Solie, Rocky Johnson, and Peter Maivia. Johnson and Maivia will be inducted by The Rock. For my WWE Hall of Fame, I pick "Das Wunderkind" Alex Wright (Disco Inferno as presenter), Kenzo Suzuki (Rene Dupree as presenter), and the Swerved (God as presenter). All inductees will accompanied to the stage by Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse and Mighty Mouse for no particular reason. If you do not think God would present the Swerved as an inductee, let me tell you that the man upstairs is a fan of my dream matches. He finds them light, amusing and non-threatening.
- Maria will come out and greet Orlando with free copies of Playboy. In turn, Santino will snatch the copies from the fans and be ever so perturbed. Finally, Stone Cold Steve Austin will show up, compliment Maria, then stun Santino (for the second time) into a pile of Playboy magazines. Santino will weep, swimming in the pictorial sea of Maria nakedness, reminiscing about their time on the tea cups at Disney World.
- Some professional athlete from Orlando will be shown in the crowd. For instance, maybe Dwight Howard, star center of the Orlando Magic and 2008 All-Star Slam Dunk Champion, will be seated front row and give peace signs to the camera. Meanwhile, the camera will stay on Dwight for longer than it should, making Dwight and the viewers watching at home quite uncomfortable.
- In the main event, Triple H will nail the Pedigree on Randy Orton. As an exhuasted Triple H crawls over to cover him, John Cena will execute the STFU on Orton. Randy will tap out in Triple H's face. This ending will spark a lengthy feud between John Cena, the new champion, and Triple H, livid that Cena took the belt before he could. Also, "Beth Phoenix: The Glamazon."
- CM Punk will throw Chavo Guerrero into Universal Studios. Chavo will be forced into the line of the next TNA Impact taping.

Cena Ruins Everything: The Others

Cena makes his triumphant return. In my living room, I pop in a DVD of The Others, the 2001 horror-suspense film starring Nicole Kidman as a mother of two who believes her house is haunted. Just before the ending, Cena runs in and spoils the twist. Thanks a lot, Cena. Kiss my Other.

*****

NEXT WEEK

Plans, plans, plans on the frying plan.

AND

How she move? She move goodly.

ManiaPlans: Part 1

As the 24th installment of WrestleMania looms near, the Swerved wants to help World Wrestling Entertainment pull off the best event possible. If each WrestleMania was grander than the last, I wish that Orlando, Florida will be treated with the absolute grandest stage of stage-y goodness. On the 30th day of the third month of the 2008th year, I hope the sun God will shine down his mighty golden rays onto the stadium spectators and those watching at home. If it rains on that day, let it shower droplets of entertainment and showers of intrigue over WWE and its fans.

How does the Swerved want to assist the company? Current plans for the biggest Pay-Per-View of the year appear to be turning concrete, despite my constant requests for changes. Since several million fans across the globe purchase WrestleMania based on name value alone, perhaps McMahon doesn't need to set the world on fire with his card. Then again, perhaps the genius that is Vince needs another genius who is me to make him some serious mad cheddar, not that regular and jovial cheddar.

Recently, WrestleMania 22 from Chicago, Illinois had a disappointing lineup yet managed to deliver in the end. I deem WrestleMania 22 the exception to the rule. For every WrestleMania 22, you get a WrestleMania IX. For every WrestleMania IX, you get crabs. While this month is National Sarcasm Month and I never tire of Triple H in the main event, World Wrestling Entertainment may find it useful to take a gander at my suggestions for the annual show to gain hints for improvement. In the past, I have created such successful Pay-Per-View events as Mike Tyson vs. Speech Therapist: This is Not Business, This is Personable and the WestminsterKennelClubapalooza from Madison Square Garden. For the latter event, I made a Great Dane fight a Poodle. I believe this match changed our lives forever.

This year, WrestleMania is under the sun. This week, let the Swerved keep that sun from crashing down on the wrestling horizon, temporarily blinding and sunburning many innocent victims on its violent descent.

WrestleMania XXIV Main Event for the WWE Title

What Will Happen:
WWE Title Triple Threat Match
Randy Orton (c) vs. John Cena vs. Triple H
OR
WWE Title Match
John Cena (c) vs. Triple H

What I Want to Happen:
WWE Title Match
Randy Orton (c) vs. Jeff Hardy
The odds are 1:1 that Triple H will leave No Way Out's Elimination Chamber Match as the victor, which is an outcome I do not want. If I were to relinquish all of my belongings, leave my friends and family, and give up the passionate love of numerous beautiful ladies forever, my sacrifices would still not be enough to sway WWE to change their minds. The story of Triple H overcoming adversity does not appeal to me in any way, shape, form, size, shapely way, formly size, sizely shape, or wayly form. Determining whether Hunter will win the big one or not is like waiting to see if a human being will eat food. For those playing at home, you already know the answer.

Likewise, my opinion on John Cena is mutual (of Ohama). Cena comes back from his pectoral muscle injury, several months earlier than expected, only to point at his tiny scar a whole bunch and win a whole lot. In life, death and taxes are certain, but John Cena winning is more than certain. If you take a close look at the Bible, John Cena victories are mentioned somewhere in there. You need a magnifying glass, a decoder ring, and the glow of a magical meteorite to see it, but the mention is most certainly in the book.

If I was World Wrestling Entertainment, my choice for WrestleMania's main event would be simple--I would continue to do what I have been doing for months. Even though the elevation of young Jeffrey Hardy was an experiment, it was a successful one. Why build Jeff Hardy up this one time, only to phase him out of the picture in favour of the same old Triple H? Jeff Hardy as a main eventer is a refreshing change from the norm; Triple H is that norm.

You know much I want a fresh main event scene? I am not even a fan of Jeff Hardy; I am just glad that World Wrestling Entertainment has decided to give somebody different a chance. Because Jeff has churned out consistent and exciting performances, he deserves to be in the big match, whispering his opponents in the wind. Wrestling fans complain about how often Jim Ross confuses the Twist of Fate with the Whisper in the Wind. Well, you know what? I do not care. At least JR is aware that he's referring to Jeff rather than Matt. Every move Jeff Hardy does is the Whisper in the Wind to me. And when he's not executing the Whisper in the Wind, he's painting a symbolic representation of the Whisper in the Wind.

Let Randy battle Jeff so Triple H can face Cena without the belt on the line. Neither Triple H nor John Cena needs the World Wrestling Entertainment Championship around their waist. Let them face off to see who likes cookies the best instead.


Undefeated Streak*/Title versus Undefeated Streak
*Edge was taken out of WrestleMania 23's Money in the Bank Ladder Match before the winner (Mr. Kennedy) was determined. Internet wrestling fans quarrel with each other in manly bouts of furious word typing over the issue of Edge's undefeated streak. Is Edge truly undefeated at WrestleMania or not? Let me flip a coin. The coin says all of you should find a hobby. Do you like model airplanes? Work with that rudder, my brother.

What Will Happen:
World Heavyweight Title Match
Edge (c) vs. Undertaker

What I Want to Happen:
Edge (c) vs. Undertaker
Good work, McMahon and Company. After all these years, you have decided to align yourself with the Swerved. A friendly pat on the back to you and yours. The story of these two men originates to the month of May of last year when Edge cashed in his Money in the Bank briefcase after Undertaker's cage match victory over Batista. As Edge paraded around Smackdown as the new champion, Undertaker was placed on the injury shelf. At the 2007 Survivor Series, Undertaker's chance at regaining the belt in the Hell in a Cell Match with Batista was thwarted by none other than a returning Edge. World Wrestling Entertainment should take Edge's actions into account as they build up this bout.

At No Way Out 2008, Undertaker will win Smackdown's Elimination Chamber, standing tall over Big Daddy V's jiggly girth. As a reminder to us all, Edge needs to attack Undertaker for a third time. As a witness to these attacks, it appears as though Edge doesn't like Undertaker after the man has wrestled within steel structures. I do not know why Edge hates people who wrestle inside containers, but I digress. I get odd preferences. Sometimes, I don't like mayonnaise. This feud can be one of the better rivalries in WrestleMania history, if and only if WWE plays up the history between the two. Edge is the conniving son of a mother who has taken everything that the Undertaker has worked for in the past year. Undertaker's retaliation and the culmination of his story with Edge should take place at WrestleMania.

No, I don't want to see Undertaker Chokeslam or Tombstone Vickie Guerrero again. Until the big event, the last thing I'd want to see is Deadman beating up Edge's look-alike lackeys in handicap matches over and over again. What I truly desire is Undertaker laying low while Edge runs roughshod over the Smackdown roster. As the event draws near, Undertaker will get closer and closer to attacking Edge, only for the World Heavyweight Champion to barely escape the ambush. Then, at WrestleMania XXIV, Undertaker can go ballistic on Edge and electrocute Vickie Guerrero with lighning. Who will be the winner? We will. We all will.


Career Threatening/Ending Match

What Will Happen:
Ric Flair vs. Shawn Michaels

What I Want to Happen:
Ric Flair vs. Triple H
For those of you who are sad that Ric Flair in on the verge of retirement, do not fret. Professional wrestlers never retire. You see, Ric Flair wants his first retirement to be an underwhelming one. That way, when he retires for the thousandth time two years from now, the audience will really be shocked.

I have little doubt that the Heartbreak Kid will put on a great show with Flair. I fully expect the match to be in the four-star range based on the talent and showmanship of both performers. With that said, Shawn Michaels versus Ric Flair does not seem like a WrestleMania match to me. I do not understand why WWE stresses a deep connection between Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair for they do not have one. I'm positive that they will make one up (ex. Shawn Michaels is a legend, and so is Ric Flair. Who is the best legend?); I am simply left unsatisfied with the pairing. Their battle at Badd Blood 2003 was fine for what it was but WrestleMania XXIV needs a Ric Flair retirement match that is more than adequate.

Although a No Way Out rematch between Ric Flair and Ken Kennedy would please me, that bout would be disappointing as well. The only reason why I would want to watch Ric lose to Mr. Kennedy is to see Ken take the gimmick of the Nature Boy and transform it into the Outdoors Guy. As the man who retired Ric Flair, Ken Kennedy would don a robe made out of sequined leaves and twigs. Maybe Ken Kennedy does not deserve to adopt this surefire, moneymaking persona, but somebody better wear the robe. I didn't sew it for nothing.

Moving on, I will my plan for Ric Flair. At WrestleMania, what match would be appropriate for Ric Flair's swan song? A down and dirty fight with Triple H. The history between Ric Flair and Triple H is meaningful enough to fuel the fire of this match. In the past, Ric Flair praised Triple H at every opportunity. In return, Hunter stood there and agreed. Isn't it about time that Ric Flair gets to be the man who takes the compliments, not the one who dishes them out? Ric Flair and Triple H both claim that they are the best at what they do. During their careers, both men have done anything and everything to get what they wanted. WrestleMania XXIV is the perfect time to showcase Ric's old self and write the final chapter on his career. In this type of match-up, Triple H would get the spotlight without actually having it, which is great for all parties. If this match is curtains for Ric Flair, appearances by Arn Anderson and Ricky Steamboat are a must. Terry Funk and Dusty Rhodes should make their presence known as well. Also, David Flair needs to show up. A WrestleMania without David Flair is a bad WrestleMania.

Ric Flair versus Triple H. Get it done, random person.


War of the Words

What Will Happen:
Chris Jericho vs. JBL

What I Want to Happen:
Chris Jericho vs. Umaga w/ JBL
John Bradshaw Layfield left behind his comfy, Smackdown colour analyst chair and loyal pet Michael Cole to make his pryoriffic wrestling return to Monday Night RAW. The feud between Chris Jericho and JBL was sparked when Bradshaw attacked Chris Jericho during Jericho's WWE Title Match against Randy Orton. The rivalry has resulted in a focused Chris Jericho and a super serious JBL, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. If it were up to me, their feud would have ended at the Royal Rumble. I can only take serious faces for so long.

Since Jericho and Bradshaw are competitors in RAW's Elimination Chamber, I believe that they will need another Pay-Per-View to settle things. The theme of their feud appears to be choking each other with television cables, which means that the blowoff match will be either one in which both men play Hangman or fight with a bullrope. In my opinion, a Texas Bullrope Match has no place at WrestleMania XXIV. Why? They will be in Orlando. As far as I know, the number of bullropes found in Orlando are in the negative numbers. Plus, to have such a gimmicky match at the biggest event of the year cheapens the mystique of the Pay-Per-View. In my opinion, WWE should let Chris Jericho and JBL settle their one-on-one feud in the coming weeks in order to spin it off into another.

I am aware that Chris Jericho has faced Umaga before. On paper, I know that Chris Jericho versus Umaga does not seem like a WrestleMania-calibre match. Even so, Chris Jericho versus Umaga makes sense if JBL works alongside the Samoan Bulldozer. John Bradshaw Layfield handling Umaga at WrestleMania would be wonderful. John could ride Umaga down to the ring like a Republican elephant. This match is designed to be hard-hitting and fast-paced. In addition, one of the significant purposes of this match is to set up the amusing visual of Umaga in JBL's cowboy hat. Umaga's running butt splash into the corner will be ten times more entertaining with a cowboy hat. Anything becomes interesting with a cowboy hat. The other day, I watched ECW's December to Dismember by placing a cowboy hat on the top of my television. In the end, it was a better Pay-Per-View than I first thought.

Jericho versus Umaga is a little man versus big man match, but in this case, both wrestlers are agile. In my professional wrestling watching career, I never got to see Owen Hart face Bam Bam Bigelow. In 2008, Jericho versus Umaga can be that match. All that John Bradshaw Layfield needs to do to lure Umaga into his control is offer him the promise of stocks in raw meat. Umaga is a buyer, not a seller. He knows a wise investment when he sees one.


Battle for the United States of America

What Will Happen:
US Title Match
Montel Vontavious Porter (MVP) (c) vs. Matt Hardy

What I Want to Happen:
US Title Match
Montel Vontavious Porter (MVP) (c) vs. Matt Hardy
If you want to live, you will listen to me speak and obey my every command, WWE. United States Champion Montel Vontavious Porter will settle the score with his former friend and partner Matt Hardy at WrestleMania XXIV. This match will elevate Matt Hardy, who will win the United States title in a dramatic fight In turn, Montel Vontavious Porter will use the match to propel himself into the Smackdown main event scene. Matt Hardy will not get kicked in the face by Randy Orton and be forgotten; MVP will not lose any more non-title matches to Ric Flair. These two wrestlers will battle at WrestleMania. Also, I will eat delicious cookie dough ice cream while they are doing so.

Don't tell me that the friendship and feud between Montel Vontavious Porter and Matt Hardy was for nothing. Don't you knock on my door in the middle of the night and proclaim that the teased dissention and intense meltdown of MVP and Matt Hardy's partnership was a dream. Does anybody know how long MVP and Matt Hardy were tag team champions on Smackdown? Do you know how many times I had to sit through monotonous matches between MVP and Matt Hardy and Deuce and Domino to follow their feud? Deuce and Domino are keen and all, but I don't need to see them wrestle every week. Likewise, MVP and Matt Hardy were a fine team, but I am glad that they finally severed ties with one another.

March 30th needs to be the day that Matt Hardy makes his heroic return and beats the man who took him out. If wrestling requires anything to be entertaining, it requires logic and closure. Do not leave me hanging, Vince McMahon. I know where you live. I know what your backside looks like in high definition. On that Sunday, I will be ballin' like MVP, except that I will be melon ballin'. I hope WWE doesn't ruin my melon ballin' party by not including this match on the card. What is going to be, WWE? Are you going to make the match happen? Do you want to live or do you want to live knowing that I am not mad but disappointed with your decision? The choice is yours, Stamfordians. Choose wisely.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Cena Ruins Everything: The Jelly Bean Jar

John Cena makes his triumphant return. His guess of 278 jelly beans in the jar beats my guess of 260 (the correct number is 281). Cena wins the twenty-dollar Arby's gift certificate. Guess which finger I'm holding up for you, Cena.

*****

NEXT WEEK

Wrestlemania plans get more complex.

AND

I see a Mansard roof through the trees.

The Swerved Recordings: William Regal

Ever since some guy in a suit gave another dude in a better suit permission to record albums featuring professional wrestlers, one particular grappler has longed to become the next great artist. This man took it upon himself to travel overseas to a brand new country, abandon his friends and loved ones, and forget everything he has been taught in life to achieve his dreamiest of dreams. While he has won many championship titles in the past, he wishes to win the acclaim of the music-buying public as well. You see, why be the champion of Europe when you can be the club-banging champion of the dance floor? What's an Intercontinental title belt if you can't place it on a turntable and scratch that sucker up like what? To be a tag champion of the world is fine and dandy, but what about super fresh and funky beats? By now, if you'd rather become a tag champion than a provider of super fresh and funky beats, you must be nuts. Also, you are probably dumb. Your significant other is most likely boring and unattractive. Finally, your parents might have pretended to love you all of these years because of guilt. Get with the program or programs already.

A bunch of years ago, the Lord himself Vince McMahon created the earth and all living things therein. A few years after that, RAW General Manager William Regal tore that earth up with the Swerved Recordings' latest release:

William Regal - "The W"


Track Listing

1. Big Will Style (Intro)
2. Larger Willy Style
3. Largest William Style
4. Searchin' Fo' A Besmirchin'
5. General Manager, Specific Manager ft. Funkmaster Jonathan Coachman
6. Quadruple Haitch
7. Youmanga, Mymanga
8. Regal Tender
9. New Willennium ft. Funkmaster Vince McMahon
10. Look At My Fancy Robe (It's Fancy)
11. British Skirt, Union Jacket
12. Knuckle Up for Safety
13. Trumpets In Your Tea 'N Crumpets
14. Real Man's Fan
15. Blalalala (Excuse Me, I'm So Excited) ft. Funkmaster Elimination Chamber

Slick Willy Reges puts on a baseball cap in a sideways manner and dances laps around our hearts for the W. In his rapping debut, William Regal stretches the boundaries of modern music--a scene which currently consists of a group of skanky, drugged-up, teenage girls whose songs like robots singing in front of an oscillating fan. Regal gives a high knee to our preconceptions of what great dance music is or should be. One could use many wrestling references to describe Regal's debut album, but I will stop at two. This album packs a powerful punch. Perhaps the impact would be best described as getting hit in the face with a set of brass knuckles behind the referee's back. Isn't that right, sunshine? I'm stopping at two.

Has Regal succeeded in his quest to get the W? Several wrestling personalities and insiders chime in to give their perfectly honest opinions which are in no way meant to sway consumers to purchase the album:

"This is a good album. Then again, William Regal is a foreigner. As an American, I'm not supposed to like foreigners because they are foreign. This is a bad album. Go America." - Casual Wrestling Fan #12557634

"Paper currency, paper currency, affirmative, affirmative. Paper currency, paper currency, affirmative, affirmative." - Cyborg Shad and Cyborg JTG

"It's time to play it again." - Triple H

"Extraordinary, exquisite, and scrumtulescent. An aural triumph." - Umaga

"The Will2K Crisis is here." - Will Smith

"First it's Jillian Hall. Now it's William Regal. Is somebody playing some sort of cruel prank on me featuring Jon Secada?" - Lilian Garcia

"Elton John is a queen. George Michael is a queen. William Regal is the Queen of Queens. Please laugh at gay jokes and give us money." - World Wrestling Entertainment

If you don't get this album, William Regal will sport a humorous facial expression. If you do get this album, William Regal will sport a humourous facial expression, then appear as if he just ate ten lemons. This situation is win-win. Hence the W.

William Regal - "The W"
Produced by the Swerved Recordings
In stores when they let them in there.

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 34th

WWE Championship Match
Randy Orton (c) vs. A Rainbow

Why is there so much
Face time for Randy?
And what's with his really short hair?
Orton is champion
This is no illusion
But when will it be Roy G. Biv's time?

Some fans do like him but I want
To fight him
Can light beat a human being?

Maybe you'll see it
A rainbow contending
The title, the glory for me

The Question:
Who wins and how?

*****

NEXT WEEK

If you don't love Kofi Kingston's theme song, I don't love you.

AND

I'll realize what she just realized.

Royal Rumble 2007 Predictions

For this installment of The Swerved: Special Edition, I present to the e-audience a lost gem of an emerald from the underground, golden towns of professional wrestling mystery. This time last year, No Holds Barred's Alex Reimer participated in the second edition of the Interviewerved. In return, he requested my vocal presence on his radio show. Unfortunately, due to commitments to previous engagements (therapy sessions with my life coach, Dr. Kevin, at the local frogurt stand), I could not make my conflicting schedule not conflict with the schedule of the show. As a consolation, I sent Alex my thoughts on the 2007 Royal Rumble. In the end, he never read them on-air, but this is what I get when I eat frogurt rather than ice cream.

Therefore, for the benefit of the literate, I give you my predictions for a Royal Rumble that has already occurred. If this great offer does not entice you enough, I will throw in additional commentary and a free whatever poor people like to own. To my understanding, individuals with a income less than thirty-thousand dollars per year love robot vacuum cleaners. How about one of those, Value Villager? Great.

Before you leave the room to watch your new vaccuum clean up your buck-toothed child's vomit, please enjoy this piece.


Royal Rumble (January 28, 2007)
AT&T Center
San Antonio, Texas

MNM vs. Hardys
Earlier this month, I was finally able to watch the four-way ladder match at Armageddon between the Hardys, MNM, London and Kendrick, and Regal and Taylor. Hardly anybody looks at the month of December when they determine Match of the Year candidates, but this match proves that they should. Regal and Taylor being afraid of heights was great, and Joey Mercury getting slapped in the face with a ladder was one of the most sickening and dramatic visuals I have seen on WWE programming in a long time. Guy Getting Hit in Face with Ladder is ten times more compelling than Oily Fat Man in a Speedo or Powerhouse Rosie O'Donnell. I'd even say Guy Getting Hit in Face with Ladder would be a better movie than Man Getting Hit by Football.

(I have a big announcement to make: Guy Getting Hit in Face with Ladder will hit the big screen next year. Of course, I will be penning this future award-winning drama about a man having to deal with a ladder to his face. Frankie Muniz dons the fur coat as Joey Mercury. And, in his most serious role yet, Denzel Washington plays the role of the ladder. The tagline for the film will be the following: When you strive for the former, life gives you the ladder. I feel a lot heavier right now. I guess I feel heavier due to all of the money that is dropping onto my lap.)

I think WWE should have waited until Wrestlemania to do this match, but it's their company and not mine. Maybe they'll do a rematch at Wrestlemania and fool me, but I don't think they want to. If they can somehow incorporate the ladder into this bout, or a future rematch, it will be good watching. From now on, what I hope they will do with is give Joey Mercury some sort of Vega from Street Fighter gimmick, using a mask to protect his "beauty" in battle. Is that too creative for WWE? I want to say no because I think they can benefit from thinking outside of the box. Their roster would be more diverse and fun to watch if there was a greater variance of characters.

(I am quite sad that Joey Mercury did not become Vega. When I am in charge of World Wrestling Entertainment, I will base all of my contracted wrestlers on Street Fighter characters. Umaga will move from Samoa to Japan and become sumo wrestler Edmund Honda. Snitsky will dye his skin green, then grow out his hair for an crazy orange hairdo to transform into Blanka. John Cena will not alter his character at all to become Guile. Finally, Big Daddy V will be Chun Li because the laughter which results from the thought of this sight makes me a better person.)

Seeing the Hardys back together is odd to me as a clean and composed Jeff Hardy is quite the shocking sight, but they still put on good matches. I used to dislike Nitro, but I think he's improved dramatically in-ring and character wise. Ironically enough, breaking up MNM made me see how good he can and will be. I don't think this match will get a lot of time because they need to make room on the Pay-Per-View for the Royal Rumble itself. Therefore, this match will be 22 seconds long. Melina's Split Under The Ropes Thing will take 20 of those seconds.

Prediction: MNM will win by DQ or something and the angle will be continued on RAW.

(Matthew and Jeffrey were victorious in this match. I am zero for one. My dream of becoming the world's most successful professional wrestling psychic is through.)


ECW World Championship Match
Lashley (c) vs. Test
The first thing I think about when I hear the name ECW is Lashley. The second thing I think about is Test. Obviously, somebody has replaced my brain with a peanut.

(Using state-of-the-art tools like a barbeque skewer and a match, I have determined that I have no peanut in my skull. While all the parts are still intact, my exposure to this match has traumatized my brain. From this point forward, my brain will only process wrestling matches as bouts between Lashley and Test. A Hallmark card with a bunny on it to you, brain. Kudos.)

I don't see what WWE sees in Lashley. Sure, he is a big guy and has the Brock Lesnar entrance, but other than that, he's just there. I've never seen him in a great match, but maybe that's not what he's there for. I think they have stopped saying he's “hard hitting” and “soft spoken” too, so I don't know what his gimmick is. I guess he doesn't have one. Only in WWE can you be as uninteresting as possible and become champion.

Test's best days were during his first few years with the company. In particular, he showed promise in his Summerslam '99 match with Shane McMahon during the Stephanie angle. Also, glimpses of talent were somewhat apparent in his lengthy "Extreme Rules Match" with RVD a few months ago, but I assume Vince doesn’t want Test nor anyone else to do anything remotely entertaining; we have never seen a match like that on ECW since.

(Correction and a half, self. How about that match in which Tommy Dreamer loses? No, the other one. You know what I'm talking about.)

Choosing between ECW World Champion Lashley and ECW World Champion Test is like choosing between death via shark attack or hot air balloon accident. I don't want to suffer either way.

Prediction: Lashley retains via being big.

(Bobby Lashley retained his ECW World Championship via countout. Since Lashley was pretty big and muscly, Test could not get back into the ring because of the largeness. Not long after this match, Test was released from his WWE contract. He has since quit the business. One time, two shark balloons tried to attack him while he was wrestling. Long story short, he couldn't take it. Today, I bet he home-schools Kelly Kelly with flashcards.)


World Heavyweight Championship Match
Batista (c) vs. Mr. Kennedy
For me, Batista was most intriguing during his feud with Triple H, but now what? Like Lashley, I've never seen Batista in a great match. Even his Hell-in-a-Cell Match with Hunter wasn't that impressive. Yes, he took Randy Orton's place in that feud and took it well (as Orton's face turn proved to be rushed and ill conceived), yet in hindsight, I think Orton would have had better matches with Triple H.

(Wrestlemania 24 will feature a certain someone facing another certain someone in the main event. I'm not saying Randy Orton will be there, but if I told you he was, would you cut a slow, monotone promo on me, then kick me in the head? I'm not saying Triple H will be there, but if I told you he was, would you cut a slow, monotone promo on me, then hit me with the back of your hand as you grip the top of a sledgehammer? You won't? Bless you, my children. Thank you for understanding. On the day of Wrestlemania 24, I will not bring down rain and lightning from the heavens.)

Now, it seems as though Batista is holding back. I know he doesn't want to injure himself again but the more careful someone tries to be to prevent an injury, the more likely an injury will occur. Sadly, his unwillingness to wrestle well hurts my eyes. To measure how good Batista is currently, look no further than every Batista versus King Booker encounter. Five stars... out of 125 stars. "Yeah, I'm back! I want my title back! It's mine!" said Batista a bunch of times, and he got it. Why didn't Booker just reply with "How about no?"

WWE has big plans for Mr. Kennedy. I'm not positive he is deserving of those plans, but he is an excellent talker. His matches leave something to be desired. All in all, I see him as a competent World Champion in the future, but not at the Rumble.

(According to Shawn Michaels, Mr. Kennedy's full name is Kennedy Kennedy. Speaking of jokes that are super hilarious, does anyone want to see Meet the Spartans with me? I will pay for tickets, popcorn, refreshments, and prefreshments. In this film, Donald Trump fires Spider-Man. Why? Spider-Man never cared for Bobby Lashley. Spider-Man watches Ring of Honor DVDs only. He wants Mary Jane Watson to appreciate workrate.)

I predict that this will be a passable match. Batista will do one move and punches. Kennedy will do two moves and punches. Together, they will perform a moving tribute to The Boogeyman's move set.

Prediction: Batista wins by Batista Bomb. Yes, Batista has a bomb. Run.

(Batista won because he had the most tacky tattoos. Batista's dragon beats Ken Kennedy's red tribal design of a wombat or pointy vulture.)


WWE Championship Last Man Standing Match
John Cena (c) vs. Umaga
Did you know that John Cena was in a movie called The Marine? WWE never mentioned this once to me. Why didn't they? It's coming to DVD. Somebody should say something. Hello?

(It's his wife. For the last time, it's his wife. Do you have no soul? Are you deaf? What is this world coming to? Why are you just standing there? Show some compassion, lady and too many gentlemen. It's his wife.)

They had a good story coming out of New Year's Revolution -- John Cena could outsmart Umaga, but could not overpower him. Then, last week on RAW, what do we see? John Cena overpowered Umaga. Average Fan says, "I saw it for free on television. I want to see it again, but this time, I want to pay for it."

I'm under the impression that John Cena will win every big match he's in until he dies. I pray that I'm not right, but I think I will be. I don't know what they'll do with Umaga after his inevitable loss, but they should keep him around. Right now, he could've been a decent Intercontinental Champion in place of Jeff Hardy, who rarely defends it, though I bet I seem odd for thinking that. I just want to see Umaga carry a title down to the ring with his teeth. It makes sense that a savage would try to eat something shiny. I'm not saying that visual makes great television; I just need to see that in my lifetime. I'd also like to see Umaga do The Worm.

(I am not going to sue Vince McMahon and World Wrestling Entertainment for stealing my idea of Umaga carrying the Intercontinental Championship with his teeth. In reality, I simply wish for adequate compensation. What is adequatre compensation? Big Daddy V as Chun-Li. Make it happen already. This is a fairly reasonable request.)

John Cena will both STFU and FU Umaga on the Road to WM. I will LOL at my BBQ.

Prediction: John Cena via being John Cena.

(John Cena won with the STFU, loosening the top rope to strangle Umaga into submission. I wouldn't show this ending today for obvious reasons. In its place, I would show two kittens, dressed up as a miniature bride and groom, exchanging kitty vows in a wicker basket. Most of the time, I do not know how to deal with serious issues. This time, I nailed it.)


30-Man Royal Rumble
Didn't they already do the rumble on RAW a few weeks ago? Edge won. Oh, wait -– that was a battle royal, which is like a Royal Rumble except they do not have cookies and milk afterwardz. I know that a battle royal does not have the same entrance rules as the Rumble, but the two are very, very, very similar.

(I do not see the point of having battle royals weeks before or after the Royal Rumble. Sure, battle royals provide the audience with samples of what they will see at the Royal Rumble, though I think the sample they give is too much. Let's put it this way -- if I was a barber trying to sell you a haircut, I wouldn't cut off two-thirds of your hair in the style of your choosing for free, hoping you will pay for the free work anyway. For those of you keeping score at home, I have used a haircut analogy to describe an over-the-top-rope elimination match. Don't look at me like that. I'm not your clown.)

I disliked last year's Rumble, not because Rey Mysterio won it (I am still a fan of his from his WCW days, barring his Eddie Guerrero Tribute Tour '06 Bonanza), but because the actual match wasn't very interesting. I know there has to be spots in the Rumble involving a guy teetering on the top rope while another guy tries to push him off of it, but I saw that about a billion times in the match. I saw this event more times in the RAW Battle Royal. My quota for witnessing that spot has been met many times over.

I'm going to pick The Miz as the first entrant of the 2007 Royal Rumble, because he so crazay. Number two will probably be San Antonio's own Shawn Michaels, who will superkick him and a lot of other wrestlers out of the ring.

As a side note, recently on RAW, Chris Masters said, "No one will beat me (at the Rumble) cause no one can escape my Master Lock!" What does that mean to me? Chris Masters will put The Master Lock on 29 guys and right after they pass out, their bodies will teleport up and over the top rope onto the floor below for the elimination. This is how powerful the Master Lock could be, but I don't think Masters will win.

(Sadly, Masters is gone and I never got the chance to see him utilize this technique. Then again, perhaps this absurd type of elimination will be witnessed at a future Royal Rumble. If the internet rumours are true, I am hoping that Big Show returns as a surprise entrant at this year's event. I want him to show up and use his cobra-clutch backbreaker on all twenty-nine guys. Next, those twenty-nine guys would bounce off of his knee, then flip over the top rope and onto the floor. You see Big Show has hands like skillets and a knee like a really big knee.)

I believe the story of the match will be Shawn Michaels overcoming all odds, just like how he overcame Rated RKO with Triple H. The DX versus Rated RKO feud has been like this: Shawn dominated the team with Triple H; Orton and Edge retailiated by hitting Ric Flair with chairs; DX dominated them again; Rated RKO retaliated by hitting Ric Flair with chairs; DX dominated them once more; Rated RKO retaliated by hitting Jim Duggan with chairs, then hitting Ric Flair with chairs. Next, Shawn Michaels beat Orton and Edge up by himself; Rated RK0 will retaliate with another Ric Flair attack. Orton and Edge is showing HBK and HHH who's boss -– not them.

I think this Rumble will go down to Michaels versus Rated RKO. Since Hunter is out, Shawn Michaels will become more powerful by absorbing Triple H's energy through osmosis. Don't ask me how this happen. Edge and Orton will proceed to inadvertently eliminate each other. Rated RKO will retaliate by hitting Jim Duggan with chairs, then Ric Flair with chairs, then attack Val Venis, who Shawn Michaels greeted in a restaurant once. Finally, they will attack Ric Flair with chairs.

Michaels faces Cena at Wrestlemania 23 in a face-versus-face match, or in a four-way that will include Orton and Edge.

Prediction: Shawn Michaels via the power of Triple H.

(Michaels lost the Rumble to the Undertaker. Despite this fact, he did end up facing Cena at Wrestlemania 23. I give myself half of a point based on my non-existent official point system. I am 222th in the rankings. When Big Daddy V shows up as Chun-Li, I will shoot up to the number one spot. All of you will be weeping, asking the sky, "Why did he have to be right?" In turn, I will be giggling. Now and again, a dude needs to relax on the dance floor with his best chums and giggle.)

The Swerved Presents: Dream Match the 33rd

Chris Jericho vs. The Rich Texan

You know my Southern drawl, yee-haw
One, shoot the place up
(Shoot up the place)

For those about to fire and have lots of guns
Son, you know you're JR and I'm your Ewing
Son, what I got I made from oil spewing
Bring it through the bank, making millions into billions

Step into the scene and shoot the place up
Step into the scene and shoot the place up

So crude (You know my Southern drawl), so slick
Yee-haw, Yee-haw

The Question:
Who wins and how?

***

NEXT WEEK

It's the Swerved in HD.

AND

Something.

My Raw Roulette

When World Wrestling Entertainment spins the wheel, I try to deal with the boredom of it all. The thrill of gambling does not serve as an intriguing complement for professional wrestling because losing your life savings to a colour over a darker colour is dramatic, but two guys engaging in a violent, predetermined ballet is more or less predictable. For me, an independent woman raising three orphans in the projects all by my lonesome, I watch wrestling on television to suspend my belief and take a breather from the hustle and bustle of everyday life. If Vince McMahon wants to entertain me with a fixed roulette wheel that doesn't even use a ball, he better come up with better matches than Lingerie Pillow Fight and Eat A Sandwich, Then Swim in a Pool When You Are Not Supposed To.

For the morose wrestling fans out there who are currently weeping into their bowls of breakfast cereals because WWE and TNA stifled their spirit to buy milk , The Swerved is here to save the day and night once again. This blog has to do everything. Yesterday, the Swerved had to do the world's laundry. From now on, do your own laundry. This blog is not touching your nasty under and overgarments.

Since the beginning of time (1999), the Swerved has kept a notebook full of gimmick match ideas. For the first time ever, I am going to open up this notebook, rifle through the pages of this notebook, then burn the remains of this notebook. A sexy power such as those that emanate from this notebook is too dangerous to be left out in the open. Once you, the reader, feast your hungry eyes on these tremendous ideas, keep your mouth shut or I will hunt you down and utter some very stern yet very fair criticisms in your direction.


Bed Strange Fellows
Two wrestlers hit on various odd males inside the confines of the wrestling ring. Perhaps one wrestler tries to bed a desheveled hobo who wears a crown made out of newspaper. Maybe the other wrestler sweet-talks a half-man, half-penguin type creature all the way to the mattress. The winner of the Bed Strange Fellows Match will be the competitor who is able to successfully make love to their strange fellow without too much of a fuss. I'm not saying this match is money, but this match is more than likely money. If anything, this match is one gigantic IOU for zillions of dollars.


Last Ham Standing
Each competitor is provided with a large pot-bellied pig. As a tie-in with NBC's revival of the reality game show American Gladiators, the wrestlers bring their pigs into the ring and prop them onto two circular platforms. The pot-bellied pigs are equipped with large jousting sticks that resemble oversized cotton swabs. As the bell rings, each wrestler attempts to coach their pig towards victory. A win is secured when one pigs knocks the entire girth of the other off the platform. As a reward, the winning wrestler gains a future shot at a world championship. At the same time, the pig gets to befriend a spider for the sake of children's literature.


Falling for the Count Anywhere
The Count from Sesame Street tempts each wrestler with a love song on an ominous church organ. The victor of the match will be the grappler who resists the temptation of the Count's swooning techniques the longest. The Count will count from one to the number one-thousand while playing the Top 40 radio hit "Apologize" by OneRepublic, in the background, on his organ. The temptation will not phase such tough competitors as World Tag Team Champions Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes who are more fans of Bert and Ernie than any other character. On the other hand, Triple H will have to cool himself down with a elegant fan in the fashion of a Southern Belle from Lousiana. Stephanie McMahon does not approve of her husband falling for such a muppet, but she understands that the Count's charm is irresistable for those who are kings of other kings. In the case of Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Count von Count is his world, and we are all just counting in it.


Avenue Fight
While other companies feature wrestlers bashing each other's brains in and out on the street, the talent of World Wrestling Entertainment will take a sharp left turn and battle in the vacant avenues of North America. The only weapon in this battle will be words. Way back when, Scott Steiner and Christopher Nowinski engaged in one of the most fantastic debates in the history of professional wrestling. Let the roulette wheel bring back this long forgotten pastime.

In an Avenue Fight, the number of trash cans is zero because the green-living citizens who reside in the area recycle their apple cores and motor oil to make environmentally friendly cider. Furthermore, the avenue will not have steel chairs. On the streets, steel chairs are aplenty, but this is an avenue, friend. Citizens of avenues do not believe in portable furniture-related mayhem; they believe in global warming instead. Lastly, cookie sheets are non-existent on the avenue. When was the last time you saw an environmentalist bake cookies? In my entire life, mine eyes have not had such a privilege. Even though I have never been to San Francisco, I am almost positive that environmentalists choose not to bake cookies in the city. How are they supposed to bake cookies anyway? San Francisco is full of crazy hills and steep landscapes. They're not going to bake cookies on a slant.


Lingerie Pillows Fight
To appease the randy wrestling fanbase of handsome and well-adjusted male teenagers, I will continue the trend of televised tussles in lingerie. This time, the Swerved is going to change things up a tad by adorning the pillows in the match in lingerie, while the women will dress in bedsheets.

The first female grappler to make a pillow submit will be the winner. I do not know how to make a pillow submit, but I must admit that the opposite sex is much more persuasive than me. The Lingerie Pillows Fight will clock in at just under a minute due to the fact that pillows decked in lingerie is too racy of a visual for live television. Future installments of Raw Roulette will be rated TV-MA. If wrestling fans are willing to pay $39.99 at midnight, they will be able to see these saucy pillows in all of their pillowy glory. WWE can legally show everyone two pillow corners, but for the entire package, you are going to have to cough up some mad cheddar-like doubloonage.


Nicolas Cage
For this bout, Academy Award-winning actor Nicolas Cage will be slowly lowered over the wrestling ring. The opposing competitors or tag teams will wrestle each other for ten minutes. If victory is not secured in that amount of time, Nicolas Cage is lowered further over the ring. Opponents will continue to fight for another ten minutes. If a winner is not determined by that time, Nicolas Cage is lowered to the canvas. At this point of the match, opponents must try to defeat each other using Nicolas Cage as a weapon. Cage is known for spastic movements and quirky delivery. The wrestler or team who finds out how to use Cage's talents to their advantage will secure the W.

If the match exceeds the thirty-minute mark, wrestlers must adopt Nicolas Cage's wonderful Italian accent from Captain Corelli's Mandolin and talk like that for the remainder of the match. The viewer who can tolerate this unfortunate turn of events may be the true winner of this battle. Best of luck to all participants.


Give Diplomatic Immunity to a Midget
The following match on the roulette wheel is dedicated to the little people out there in professional wrestling land who can't catch a break. For several years, for some purpose unbeknownst to me, WWE has tried to encourage their wrestlers to capture midgets for the company's own amusement. Listen up, officials of McMahonville. Midgets are people just like you. Even though they are not the size of regular folk, they are grown-ups too. They have to go work; they have to eat food; they wear shoes. Small individuals completing averaged-sized tasks is not amusing, nor is it laugh-out loud funny. I say pish-tosh and good day to you, Vince McMahon and Company. I declare diplomatic immunity for midgets everywhere. Hip, hip, hooray.

In this bout, two wrestlers will fight for the rights of little people. The little person will be trapped inside of a safe perched up in one corner of the ring. The first wrestler to open the safe and give the midget true freedom will be the winner and undisputed philanthropist of the century. In the end, the little person will not be subject to professional wrestling-related taxes. Goodbye, suplex tax.


Singapore Can
The Singapore Can Match is a battle unlike any other match that uses tin cans from the country of Singapore. In order to win this bout, one wrestler must scale a ladder and snatch the Singapore Can that dangles over the ring. If the wrestler successfully obtains the can, he or she may use it as a weapon on the opponent. Additionally, the wrestler may also use the can as a six-year-old child's primitive phone to call an ally for assistance in the match. If the opponent takes the can from the wrestler who first obtained it, he or she may also use the can as a weapon and or phone too. If the opponent wishes to call someone, he or she will need to hang up the phone first.

The opponent's struggle to hang up a tin can phone will entertain the masses for thousands of lifetimes.

This WWEek in Gimmick Matches of the WWEek:

Q: Did you know the gimmick match, a staple in the modern wrestling scene that should be reserved to settle feuds but ends up being used to spark short-term television ratings, is a fan of Hannah Montana?

A: Who isn't? She's got the best of both worlds, man.