As the 24th installment of WrestleMania looms near, the Swerved wants to help World Wrestling Entertainment pull off the best event possible. If each WrestleMania was grander than the last, I wish that Orlando, Florida will be treated with the absolute grandest stage of stage-y goodness. On the 30th day of the third month of the 2008th year, I hope the sun God will shine down his mighty golden rays onto the stadium spectators and those watching at home. If it rains on that day, let it shower droplets of entertainment and showers of intrigue over WWE and its fans.
How does the Swerved want to assist the company? Current plans for the biggest Pay-Per-View of the year appear to be turning concrete, despite my constant requests for changes. Since several million fans across the globe purchase WrestleMania based on name value alone, perhaps McMahon doesn't need to set the world on fire with his card. Then again, perhaps the genius that is Vince needs another genius who is me to make him some serious mad cheddar, not that regular and jovial cheddar.
Recently, WrestleMania 22 from Chicago, Illinois had a disappointing lineup yet managed to deliver in the end. I deem WrestleMania 22 the exception to the rule. For every WrestleMania 22, you get a WrestleMania IX. For every WrestleMania IX, you get crabs. While this month is National Sarcasm Month and I never tire of Triple H in the main event, World Wrestling Entertainment may find it useful to take a gander at my suggestions for the annual show to gain hints for improvement. In the past, I have created such successful Pay-Per-View events as Mike Tyson vs. Speech Therapist: This is Not Business, This is Personable and the WestminsterKennelClubapalooza from Madison Square Garden. For the latter event, I made a Great Dane fight a Poodle. I believe this match changed our lives forever.
This year, WrestleMania is under the sun. This week, let the Swerved keep that sun from crashing down on the wrestling horizon, temporarily blinding and sunburning many innocent victims on its violent descent.
What Will Happen:
WWE Title Triple Threat Match
Randy Orton (c) vs. John Cena vs. Triple H
OR
WWE Title Match
John Cena (c) vs. Triple H
What I Want to Happen:
WWE Title Match
Randy Orton (c) vs. Jeff Hardy
The odds are 1:1 that Triple H will leave No Way Out's Elimination Chamber Match as the victor, which is an outcome I do not want. If I were to relinquish all of my belongings, leave my friends and family, and give up the passionate love of numerous beautiful ladies forever, my sacrifices would still not be enough to sway WWE to change their minds. The story of Triple H overcoming adversity does not appeal to me in any way, shape, form, size, shapely way, formly size, sizely shape, or wayly form. Determining whether Hunter will win the big one or not is like waiting to see if a human being will eat food. For those playing at home, you already know the answer.
Likewise, my opinion on John Cena is mutual (of Ohama). Cena comes back from his pectoral muscle injury, several months earlier than expected, only to point at his tiny scar a whole bunch and win a whole lot. In life, death and taxes are certain, but John Cena winning is more than certain. If you take a close look at the Bible, John Cena victories are mentioned somewhere in there. You need a magnifying glass, a decoder ring, and the glow of a magical meteorite to see it, but the mention is most certainly in the book.
If I was World Wrestling Entertainment, my choice for WrestleMania's main event would be simple--I would continue to do what I have been doing for months. Even though the elevation of young Jeffrey Hardy was an experiment, it was a successful one. Why build Jeff Hardy up this one time, only to phase him out of the picture in favour of the same old Triple H? Jeff Hardy as a main eventer is a refreshing change from the norm; Triple H is that norm.
You know much I want a fresh main event scene? I am not even a fan of Jeff Hardy; I am just glad that World Wrestling Entertainment has decided to give somebody different a chance. Because Jeff has churned out consistent and exciting performances, he deserves to be in the big match, whispering his opponents in the wind. Wrestling fans complain about how often Jim Ross confuses the Twist of Fate with the Whisper in the Wind. Well, you know what? I do not care. At least JR is aware that he's referring to Jeff rather than Matt. Every move Jeff Hardy does is the Whisper in the Wind to me. And when he's not executing the Whisper in the Wind, he's painting a symbolic representation of the Whisper in the Wind.
Let Randy battle Jeff so Triple H can face Cena without the belt on the line. Neither Triple H nor John Cena needs the World Wrestling Entertainment Championship around their waist. Let them face off to see who likes cookies the best instead.
*Edge was taken out of WrestleMania 23's Money in the Bank Ladder Match before the winner (Mr. Kennedy) was determined. Internet wrestling fans quarrel with each other in manly bouts of furious word typing over the issue of Edge's undefeated streak. Is Edge truly undefeated at WrestleMania or not? Let me flip a coin. The coin says all of you should find a hobby. Do you like model airplanes? Work with that rudder, my brother.
World Heavyweight Title Match
Edge (c) vs. Undertaker
What I Want to Happen:
Edge (c) vs. Undertaker
Good work, McMahon and Company. After all these years, you have decided to align yourself with the Swerved. A friendly pat on the back to you and yours. The story of these two men originates to the month of May of last year when Edge cashed in his Money in the Bank briefcase after Undertaker's cage match victory over Batista. As Edge paraded around Smackdown as the new champion, Undertaker was placed on the injury shelf. At the 2007 Survivor Series, Undertaker's chance at regaining the belt in the Hell in a Cell Match with Batista was thwarted by none other than a returning Edge. World Wrestling Entertainment should take Edge's actions into account as they build up this bout.
At No Way Out 2008, Undertaker will win Smackdown's Elimination Chamber, standing tall over Big Daddy V's jiggly girth. As a reminder to us all, Edge needs to attack Undertaker for a third time. As a witness to these attacks, it appears as though Edge doesn't like Undertaker after the man has wrestled within steel structures. I do not know why Edge hates people who wrestle inside containers, but I digress. I get odd preferences. Sometimes, I don't like mayonnaise. This feud can be one of the better rivalries in WrestleMania history, if and only if WWE plays up the history between the two. Edge is the conniving son of a mother who has taken everything that the Undertaker has worked for in the past year. Undertaker's retaliation and the culmination of his story with Edge should take place at WrestleMania.
No, I don't want to see Undertaker Chokeslam or Tombstone Vickie Guerrero again. Until the big event, the last thing I'd want to see is Deadman beating up Edge's look-alike lackeys in handicap matches over and over again. What I truly desire is Undertaker laying low while Edge runs roughshod over the Smackdown roster. As the event draws near, Undertaker will get closer and closer to attacking Edge, only for the World Heavyweight Champion to barely escape the ambush. Then, at WrestleMania XXIV, Undertaker can go ballistic on Edge and electrocute Vickie Guerrero with lighning. Who will be the winner? We will. We all will.
What Will Happen:
Ric Flair vs. Shawn Michaels
What I Want to Happen:
Ric Flair vs. Triple H
For those of you who are sad that Ric Flair in on the verge of retirement, do not fret. Professional wrestlers never retire. You see, Ric Flair wants his first retirement to be an underwhelming one. That way, when he retires for the thousandth time two years from now, the audience will really be shocked.
I have little doubt that the Heartbreak Kid will put on a great show with Flair. I fully expect the match to be in the four-star range based on the talent and showmanship of both performers. With that said, Shawn Michaels versus Ric Flair does not seem like a WrestleMania match to me. I do not understand why WWE stresses a deep connection between Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair for they do not have one. I'm positive that they will make one up (ex. Shawn Michaels is a legend, and so is Ric Flair. Who is the best legend?); I am simply left unsatisfied with the pairing. Their battle at Badd Blood 2003 was fine for what it was but WrestleMania XXIV needs a Ric Flair retirement match that is more than adequate.
Although a No Way Out rematch between Ric Flair and Ken Kennedy would please me, that bout would be disappointing as well. The only reason why I would want to watch Ric lose to Mr. Kennedy is to see Ken take the gimmick of the Nature Boy and transform it into the Outdoors Guy. As the man who retired Ric Flair, Ken Kennedy would don a robe made out of sequined leaves and twigs. Maybe Ken Kennedy does not deserve to adopt this surefire, moneymaking persona, but somebody better wear the robe. I didn't sew it for nothing.
Moving on, I will my plan for Ric Flair. At WrestleMania, what match would be appropriate for Ric Flair's swan song? A down and dirty fight with Triple H. The history between Ric Flair and Triple H is meaningful enough to fuel the fire of this match. In the past, Ric Flair praised Triple H at every opportunity. In return, Hunter stood there and agreed. Isn't it about time that Ric Flair gets to be the man who takes the compliments, not the one who dishes them out? Ric Flair and Triple H both claim that they are the best at what they do. During their careers, both men have done anything and everything to get what they wanted. WrestleMania XXIV is the perfect time to showcase Ric's old self and write the final chapter on his career. In this type of match-up, Triple H would get the spotlight without actually having it, which is great for all parties. If this match is curtains for Ric Flair, appearances by Arn Anderson and Ricky Steamboat are a must. Terry Funk and Dusty Rhodes should make their presence known as well. Also, David Flair needs to show up. A WrestleMania without David Flair is a bad WrestleMania.
Ric Flair versus Triple H. Get it done, random person.
What Will Happen:
Chris Jericho vs. JBL
What I Want to Happen:
Chris Jericho vs. Umaga w/ JBL
John Bradshaw Layfield left behind his comfy, Smackdown colour analyst chair and loyal pet Michael Cole to make his pryoriffic wrestling return to Monday Night RAW. The feud between Chris Jericho and JBL was sparked when Bradshaw attacked Chris Jericho during Jericho's WWE Title Match against Randy Orton. The rivalry has resulted in a focused Chris Jericho and a super serious JBL, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. If it were up to me, their feud would have ended at the Royal Rumble. I can only take serious faces for so long.
Since Jericho and Bradshaw are competitors in RAW's Elimination Chamber, I believe that they will need another Pay-Per-View to settle things. The theme of their feud appears to be choking each other with television cables, which means that the blowoff match will be either one in which both men play Hangman or fight with a bullrope. In my opinion, a Texas Bullrope Match has no place at WrestleMania XXIV. Why? They will be in Orlando. As far as I know, the number of bullropes found in Orlando are in the negative numbers. Plus, to have such a gimmicky match at the biggest event of the year cheapens the mystique of the Pay-Per-View. In my opinion, WWE should let Chris Jericho and JBL settle their one-on-one feud in the coming weeks in order to spin it off into another.
I am aware that Chris Jericho has faced Umaga before. On paper, I know that Chris Jericho versus Umaga does not seem like a WrestleMania-calibre match. Even so, Chris Jericho versus Umaga makes sense if JBL works alongside the Samoan Bulldozer. John Bradshaw Layfield handling Umaga at WrestleMania would be wonderful. John could ride Umaga down to the ring like a Republican elephant. This match is designed to be hard-hitting and fast-paced. In addition, one of the significant purposes of this match is to set up the amusing visual of Umaga in JBL's cowboy hat. Umaga's running butt splash into the corner will be ten times more entertaining with a cowboy hat. Anything becomes interesting with a cowboy hat. The other day, I watched ECW's December to Dismember by placing a cowboy hat on the top of my television. In the end, it was a better Pay-Per-View than I first thought.
Jericho versus Umaga is a little man versus big man match, but in this case, both wrestlers are agile. In my professional wrestling watching career, I never got to see Owen Hart face Bam Bam Bigelow. In 2008, Jericho versus Umaga can be that match. All that John Bradshaw Layfield needs to do to lure Umaga into his control is offer him the promise of stocks in raw meat. Umaga is a buyer, not a seller. He knows a wise investment when he sees one.
What Will Happen:
US Title Match
Montel Vontavious Porter (MVP) (c) vs. Matt Hardy
What I Want to Happen:
US Title Match
Montel Vontavious Porter (MVP) (c) vs. Matt Hardy
If you want to live, you will listen to me speak and obey my every command, WWE. United States Champion Montel Vontavious Porter will settle the score with his former friend and partner Matt Hardy at WrestleMania XXIV. This match will elevate Matt Hardy, who will win the United States title in a dramatic fight In turn, Montel Vontavious Porter will use the match to propel himself into the Smackdown main event scene. Matt Hardy will not get kicked in the face by Randy Orton and be forgotten; MVP will not lose any more non-title matches to Ric Flair. These two wrestlers will battle at WrestleMania. Also, I will eat delicious cookie dough ice cream while they are doing so.
Don't tell me that the friendship and feud between Montel Vontavious Porter and Matt Hardy was for nothing. Don't you knock on my door in the middle of the night and proclaim that the teased dissention and intense meltdown of MVP and Matt Hardy's partnership was a dream. Does anybody know how long MVP and Matt Hardy were tag team champions on Smackdown? Do you know how many times I had to sit through monotonous matches between MVP and Matt Hardy and Deuce and Domino to follow their feud? Deuce and Domino are keen and all, but I don't need to see them wrestle every week. Likewise, MVP and Matt Hardy were a fine team, but I am glad that they finally severed ties with one another.
March 30th needs to be the day that Matt Hardy makes his heroic return and beats the man who took him out. If wrestling requires anything to be entertaining, it requires logic and closure. Do not leave me hanging, Vince McMahon. I know where you live. I know what your backside looks like in high definition. On that Sunday, I will be ballin' like MVP, except that I will be melon ballin'. I hope WWE doesn't ruin my melon ballin' party by not including this match on the card. What is going to be, WWE? Are you going to make the match happen? Do you want to live or do you want to live knowing that I am not mad but disappointed with your decision? The choice is yours, Stamfordians. Choose wisely.
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