WWE Championship Match Randy Orton (c) vs. Lieutenant Dan
I think I can't move Came back too early Lower limbs are weak Because of surgery
It hurts to run Don't really want to I should walk instead Up and down a flat enough surface
I just need more time off (more time off) Or my knees will both fall off (both fall off) I just need more time off (more time off) Or my knees will both fall off (both fall off)
Eat your shrimp ladies and gentleman It's all-you-can-eat at Bubba Gump's
The Question: Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
Thank you, socks that are red, for defeating those cocky purple mountains.
AND
Please ration that can of ass whip. It's the last one.
In this installment of The Swerved: Special Edition, let's take the wayback machine way back into the month of May in the year 2006 Anno Domini. Some tune about putting your business up some girl's business was the mega hit; Pepsi was much sweeter than Coca-Cola; the news said eggs were good for your health, then said they were bad for your health; a penny got you one cent. I will forever remember these days. They are quite special to me. It's too bad we will never see that period return.
At the time, World Wrestling Entertainment's website introduced a list entitled The Power 25 which showcased the best and brightest of the current RAW, Smackdown, and ECW wrestling scenes. In response to their list, I created my own. How about we take a second look at what is sure to be the greatest list you have and will ever see? No? You say you don't want to? Well, too bad. I'm putting my foot and the feet of North American down. Yes, The Swerved has that level of foot authority.
-Stephen
*****
Myself, in conjunction with The Academy of Columnist Arts & Sciences, ranks the Top 25 Superstars in wrestling with Power 25. The rankings are based on charisma, machismo, charismo and overall machisma, as well as intangibles. Be sure to be able to count to the number 25 for Power 25. Here are the rankings:
Note: Each week, Mobile Alert subscribers get the Top 24 and a sandwich (5 years after the rest of the world).
1) John Cena
Women and children love John Cena. Males ages 18 to 34 hate him. What's my point here? You see, if you took a woman who loves John Cena and mated her with a man who hated John Cena, you'd end up with a child who thinks John Cena is okay. Therefore, he's #1 this week. Hustle. Loyalty. Respect. Cheese.
(As John Cena heals and recovers from his pectoral injury, what do you think he's doing right now to pass the time? I picture him opening neighbourhood pickle jars via STFU, but then again, I'm not John Cena. Maybe he's rolling around on the grass with his buddies to a song from his You Can't See Me LP, but he's already done that before. I do not see him engaging in that completely spontaneous activity again.)
2) Umaga
If I was a Cuban dictator, I'd want a Samoan savage on my side. Umaga is definitely one of the toughest big men in WWE today. Also, I think we'd have so much fun together. We could eat at T.G.I. Friday's on a Sunday. We could watch the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants and hold each other when either of us felt like crying. Hell, if I was Armando Alejandro Estrada, I'd buy a tandem bike just to see the joy on Umaga's face as we ride in the park. He's a future megastar in the making.
(As I have said numerous times in the past, Umaga is a vicious Samoan savage, yet he has a seamstress who puts the likeness of his face and his name on his tights. I do not know how Umaga conveys his design ideas to the seamstress. I cannot wrap my mind around the image of Umaga looking at colour swatches. To whoever makes Umaga's attire for him, thank you for the amusing mental pictures that come about with your existence.)
3) The Rock
He doesn't wrestle for WWE anymore, but I pretend he still does. Sometimes, I tape a picture of him on my television while I'm watching RAW. If I suspend my belief, it looks like he's still there. No, he didn't leave. He just went out to get some groceries. I'm sure he'll be back. He will be back, right?
(To those of you who look down on Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson for Hollywooding himself up real good, I look down on you. If I had to choose between making sweet on-screen love to beautiful actresses and taking sour chairshots from Cro-Magnon doofuses, I would go for the former. At least he gets the chance to star in movies without the WWE Films logo plastered all over it. At least he gets the chance to take ambitious projects like Southland Tales. What would have become of him if he stayed with WWE? In some feud, somebody tells him a secret backstage in front of two cameras, then in the next segment, that same person throws poop in his face for laughs? I'll take buddy comedy with Seann William Scott as the wisecracking sidekick over that.)
4) The Great Khali
This behemoth is pretty big. How big is he? The Great Khali is so big that, on an airplane, he uses first class instead of economy because he feels more comfortable with additional leg room. Hiyo.
("Hiyo!" was a famous saying by one Ed McMahon. Hiyo is also short for hiyonnaise, which I put in my sandwiches for lunch on a daily basis.)
5) The Spirit Squad
Kenny, Johnny, Mitch, Nicky, and Mikey have certainly surprised wrestling fans with their ability to cut several rugs with tremendous athletic ability, super cool dance moves, and fantastic cheers. Who will be able to legitimately compete with these young men? Actually, I'm about to form a cheerleading group as well, so watch out.
STEPHEN! CHACHI! REFRIGERATOR! QUINCY! FELLOULA!
And we are... the Liveliness Regiment!
(Sadly, The Liveliness Regiment was squashed in early 2007 by Deterioration Z--a stable led by "The Temporal Killer" Bentley Borst Bennessey and "The Pulmonary Child" Ron Chimels. I didn't know whom either of those guys were at the time, but I know them now. Poor Refrigerator. He never saw that Ultra Boot coming. Chimels can hit that Saccharine Throat Ditty from anywhere, I tells you with pluralized verbs.)
6) Edge
On this day, he sees clearly. That's good enough for me.
(I thought I knew Edge. I thought I knew Edge. Well, today I've learned that I'll never know him. I know his real name is Adam Copeland, but he might as well be named Stranger Stranger. As he appears to be returning at Survivor Series, perhaps he can take a few minutes out of his Pay-Per-View run-in to participate in a game of 20 Questions with me. Does Edge like onions? I don't know the answer; that is why I want to play 20 Questions with him.)
7) JBL
He's the United States Champion, meaning he is the champion of Alaska and Hawaii too. Say, do you know what that lady over there just said? I don't know. Hawaii. I mean Alaska. I mean... oh fiddlesticks.
(By the time this article was posted on The 'Pit, Jayfield Bayfield Layfield had lost his WWE United States Championship to Bobby Lashley. I am not fan of young Robert for I see him as a poor respresentation of the United States of America. For instance, look at his pose with arms spread from his sides and index fingers pointed in opposite directions. If you compare his reach to a common elementary school map of the country, his arms only go from Utah to Alabama. That's not the entire United States. Whom is he fooling?)
8) May 19th
Did somebody say... three minutes?
(May 19th was the day that Kane's parents died in a fire. May 19th was also the day that See No Evil was released in threatres nationwide. May 19th is a curse and a blessing. May 19th is like an electric-eel-guarded ice cream cake.)
9) Mark Henry
I'm the World's Strongest Man's World's Strongest Fan. That pun alone justifies his ascent to the top of the Smackdown roster. If you're still not convinced, his beard is probably able to hold a town's entire water supply, so there.
(Mark Henry calls himself the Silverback Gorilla, even though I've never seen a gorilla wear tights with sparkly attire in the wild. Perhaps I need to take my head out of the pages of National Geographic and put it into the pages of something useful like wrestling magazines. Yes WWE Magazine, that is a very nice picture of a bikini diva straddling an inner tube while she's eating a popsicle. I do not get symbols nor metaphor, so I assume she just wants a refreshing treat. Although, it's November. I don't understand.)
10) Carlito
The Caribbean's own manages to make it into the Top 10 for the first time in a long time. Why? Because he said he could get me a lot of apples. I feel like an apple pie right now, but the apples haven't arrived yet. Where's the apples, Carlito? Where are they? Carlito will be number nine when I see them.
(Carlito has never met an apple that he liked. There is a reason why Carlito is in limbo at the moment--the day he finally eats an entire apple is the day that WWE treats him with respect. Until that time arises, may he continue to springboard from the middle rope in slow motion. He will hit that elbow when he finishes that apple, consarnit.)
11) Shelton Benjamin
Wearing sunglasses has made this gifted performer one of the most popular wrestlers in the business. Why does he wear shades? Cause the future is so bright. Also, he probably gets nervous talking in front of a live audience for fear that he may screw up. Any way you put it, the word is GQ, baby.
(Shelton B. Ware has the hair colour, but is in dire need of a parrot. Perhaps Charlie Hass can dress up in a parrot costume and perch himself onto Shelton's shoulder. This is a poor idea compared to Mama Benjamin because at least Mama Benjamin had potential. To be honest, I thought they went in the wrong direction with her. She should've been to Shelton Benjamin what Donovan McNabb's flashy mother was to Donovan McNabb in Chunky Soup commercials. She could have worn a sequined top and pants in the style of Shelton's tights, along with sunglasses with star-shaped lenses.)
12) Mick Foley
Hhhhhhheeeeeeyyyyyyy Fooooooollllleeeeyyyyyy. Your model train maintenance skills are mediocre at best.
(When Mick Foley has something to promote, he will be on World Wrestling Entertainment programming without question. When Terry Funk announces his first retirement ever, he will be facing Mick Foley a millisecond after said announcement.)
13) Booker T
King Booker takes his Power 25 throne with the help of Queen Sharmell, Jester Stevie Ray, and Big T by accident. Now can you procure that, pppeeeeaaaassssaaaannnntttt?!
(Are Booker T and Sharmell T headed to TNA? Do you want funny jokes on your cell? If so, text FUNNY on your mobile phone now to 52550. By doing so, you are sure to have people rolling in the aisles with laughter. "How did Booker T cross the road? He did it by walking?" Get superficial buttholish friends now with the funniest jokes in the entire galaxy. Text FUNNY on your mobile to 52550. Standard texting rates apply. "Why did Booker T leave WWE? Because they always looked crown on him." Many a ha ha.)
14) Chloe
Torrie's pooch is a blue chipper, who is rumoured to become a part of the new ECW. I propose they sell t-shirts that read "What's up, dog?" with an angry Chloe on the front and her tush pusher buttocks on the back. I'd buy at least half of a shirt.
(At the recent Cyber Sunday Pay-Per-View event, Torrie Wilson was a Washington Redskins football player. On the October 29th edition of Monday Night RAW, Torrie was a player for the Philadelphia Eagles. Can the National Football League offer and allow a trade such as that one to occur? Torrie Wilson for Torrie Wilson? I don't know who is losing in that trade, but somebody is on the bitter end of a sweet and sour stick. Because she is a WWE Diva, she may be an excellent wide receiver and all, but Torrie is a gamble at that position at best.)
15) Rob Van Dam
Mr. Money in the Bank may have lost his Intercontinental Championship, but it couldn't have come at a better time. In fact, it couldn't have come at a better EXTREME.
(I followed the old ECW because of Rob Van Dam. He reminded me of an actor whose name and appearance was quite similar to Rob--comedian Rob Schneider. In The Hot Chick, Rob Schneider had educated feet. One went to Harvard, the other went to Yale, but the rest of his body went to Hamburger University College in hopes to transfer to Cheeseburger U. So many of my favourites have left World Wrestling Entertainment for a life of stupid relaxation and dumb happiness, but at least Chris Jericho is returning. I can't wait to see him come back to RAW to thunderous applause, then struggle to win in a feud with Snitsky one month later.)
16) Triple H
The King of Kings is low on the list, but not for long. The imminent return of D-Generation X has got people going "D-X is coming back? Alright. I'm okay with that. Shouldn't be too bad when I think about it. We'll see." I'm just as psyched. I'm running happily in the streets giving out lollipops, screaming "Suck it!" to complete strangers. I'm about ready to crotch chop, if only I had a crotch.
(Triple H and Shawn Michaels return as D-Generation X for "one night only" on the November 5th edition of Monday Night RAW. I pray that Triple H's new shirt will be there. The autumn colours should blind Randy Orton and Umaga into submission. I plan to purchase Triple H's throwup shirt to ward off evil in straw village homes.)
17) Rey Mysterio
The masked superstar and WWE Champion has got his backside handed to him by Mark Henry, The Great Khali, Kane, and JBL, but he has survived regardless. Plus, he did it for Eddie, so here he is.
(I recommend Rey Mysterio's The Biggest Little Man 3-Disc DVD collection. With these digital video discs, you will witness why I became a tremendous admirer of Rey Mysterio in the first place. You see, in World Championship Wrestling, he was the fantastic high flyer, but most of all, he wrestled in tights that had question marks all over the place; I found that cooler than cool. If I were ever to enter the squared circle, I would wear tights full of exclamation points. If I had to guess, my tag partner would be sporting a full body suit of em dashes.)
18) Bobby Lashley
He's Wayne Brady. We've been through this before, so I don't want to mention it again. Please play Scenes from a Hat, Wayne. That's my favourite game.
(Donald Trump's Bobby Lashley has lost his one-and-only-love-for-now in the form of Kristal Marshall. WWE relieved her of whatever her services she was providing to focus on better talents such as Kelly Kelly's bra. That bra is a wonderful. She must of bought that bra in Sears or something. Anyway, you are free, Kristal. Flap your fantastic behind and fly. You are out of your cage.)
19) Mickie James
Who psychoer than Mickie James? I hope nobody.
(In lieu of Candice Michelle, I believe that Mickie James must take on the monster that is The Glamorous Amazon.com also known as WWE Women's Champion Beth Phoenix. Between the two, I do not know which entrance theme I like more, but I will base my fandom on the female with the most pleasant song. When I think of Mickie's song, I feel like skipping down the aisles of a candy store. When I listen to Beth's song, I feel like skipping down the aisles of a candy store... holding Excalibur. It's a tie.)
20) Kurt Angle
He's an Olympic gold medallist and one of the best wrestlers in WWE history. Also, his neck must be like one of those Fisher-Price push toys by now. Tiny shards of bones must be bouncing freely around in there like colourful balls. Sweet!
(Kurt Angle in Total Nonstop Action wrestling appears to be healthier, but his popularity has taken a major hit. I cannot comprehend how TNA could stifle the mystique of Kurt Angle in so little time, but they managed to do it. Five years ago, if you were to tell me that Kurt Angle would be wrestling Sting, I would've been somersaulting with excitement into wet cement without care. Now that Kurt Angle and Sting are facing off in TNA, I feel sleepy in response. I am going to take a nap. At this time next year, I want to Sting to head over to WWE to face the Undertaker. This is how I wish to be compensated.)
21) Finlay
The fightingest Irishman manages to set Smackdown on fire without one stereotypical characteristic. Leprechaun Lucky Charms Rainbow Pot O' Gold Four Leaf Clover Guinness Shaquille O'Neal.
(As Vince McMahon gains a son, Finlay loses a cohort. One million shillelaghs cannot make up the absence of one fighting leprechaun. There is a hole in the heart of Fit Finlay. As much as he wants to fill it up with Rey Mysterio beatings, he simply cannot. Only Hornswoggle can make his Irish world complete. Finlay brought you into WWE, Hornswoggle. Why have you left him lonesome?)
22) Michael Cole
Think about your greatest accomplishment in life -- that one defining moment of your existence that will be remembered and admired for all eternity. It must be something that cannot be topped or duplicated for it is a glorious feat of epic proportions. Do you have it? Good. Michael Cole made it possible. He's waiting for a thank you card right now.
(Michael Cole and JBL work well as a tandem consisting of a dork and a rich Texan. In wrestling, as in life, you are either an awkward goof or a rich person from Texas. What is it going to be? The decision is in your dorky hands, Texas Rich.)
23) Shawn Michaels
The Heartbreak Kid tagged with God. What did you do? Tag with Jesus or something? Big deal.
(I bet Shawn Michaels finds it sacrilegious to use products that will unnaturally grow hair atop his head. It seems like his long hair will be stringy for a while. I know Jerry "The King" Lawler has hair plugs, but that must be against the rules for Shawn too. The Lord himself uses heavenly fertilizer, but it appears as though he is running out, which is too bad for Shawn. I hope he finds a nice alternative. Perhaps Vince McMahon will lend Shawn his fedora of many colours and styles that was somehow surgically implanted to his noggin, then wasn't.)
24) Trish Stratus
The seventy-four time WWE Women's Champion may have dislocated her shoulder, but one thing she will locate is another shot at the strap. Watch out, Mickie James -- Trish Stratus brought Beth. I'm scared at the thought, or will be in a week or two when WWE further explains the storyline.
(The last thing I saw Trish Stratus in was a reality show for the CBC in Canada. She was the host of a show that was searching for the next great Second City comedian. I did not have the patience to watch the series (even with Trish as the host,) but I assume somebody won. For that somebody to not be yours truly is a super bodacious travesty of travestical proportions. Actually, I'm guessing my talents are better served for larger deals, like late evening casino performances on the weekend.)
25) MNM
Melina, that guy, and that other guy are the greatest team in wrestling today, albeit they're not a tag team anymore. Sure, Melina and that guy got fired by Theodore Long, but that other guy is still good. I like it when he does that thing. He's good at that.
(I visited John Morrison's Palace of Wisdom on a recent vacation. It was pretty small. Joey Mercury also stopped in to visit, but wisdom hit him square in the face by accident.)
Attention children and adults--I have several creepy tales for you. They are stories of darkness and gloom. Gather the princesses, fairies, little cowboys, and borderline Indians around. As the rest of the planet knocks on the doors of strangers for raisin boxes and mint floss, why not spend Halloween with The Swerved, the 5th halloweeniest wrestling blog ever to be forced upon the internet? Grab that extra pair of underwear for you will soil the one you already have on your mid-region. Pop that corn that you pop and sit back. I will place a flashlight under my face. I will turn the flashlight on. The illuminated portions of my facial features are frightful. Cower in fear at my cheekbones. They are higher than you initially suspected.
Professional wrestling is a scary business. Every personality and wrestler has a tan that glows jack-o-lantern orange. The shiny metallic tights of United States, Intercontentinal, and Out-of-Statetinental champions send unknowing audiences into freaky convulsions. Look up to the rafters and you will witness the pyrotechnic light show of death that hovers over our arenas. Look to the stage and you will see ghoulish men with face paint crawl down the aisle to the ominous hum of the devil's song. He's coming to get you. He is not joking. Good Ol' JR is cuckoo. Jim Ross is the haunter of your dreams and the creator of your nightmares.
Throughout my television watching career, I have seen horrors in the ring, the kind that the common man cannot even imagine. Though, do not feel sorry for me. I may be scarred for eternity but I live to see the days. Let me relay my experiences to you, the reader. May you use this information to ward off the the crazies and weirdos who run rampant throughout life.
Vince McMahon and His Ass (and His Ass)
One buttock can be a trick or a treat, depending on the quality of the buttock and the gender of its owner. In my opinion, human existence improves with every display of the attractive female form. If modern rap videos would show sexified girls with only one buttock exposed, the war would be over by now. Although, the display of a male buttock is offensive. How can we, as a distinguished society, allow exhibition of a half-naked guy? How can women, who are in no way obsessed with Oprah and shoes, gain arousal from this sight? The horror of one buttock is painful. The horror of Vince McMahon's twin powers activate vomit from my mouth and brownies and lemonade from my Hershey and Country Time factories.
As of late, Vince McMahon has stopped showing his backside. His unwillingness to do so fills me with equal parts joy and fright. When and where is Vince McMahon's Kiss My Ass Club going to strike next? I'm living in fear, people. I've boarded up my windows with wood; I have put ten deadbolts on my door. Call me insane if you wish, but when you least expect it, Vince McMahon is going to drop his Dockers, and you will be met with a face full of pasty gleam. Just look at the ass' path of terror. William Regal has blurred vision in one eye now. Shawn Michaels has to wear chaps. Are you the hunted? Am I? I don't want to stick around to find out.
D-Generation X Shoving Opponents' Faces into Asses
Shawn Michaels and Triple H loved to shove the mugs of Kenny, Johnny, Mitch, Nicky, and Mikey up their DX-ian posteriors. They also enjoyed placing opponents, such as Vince McMahon, into the butts of others, such as The Big Show. Little people got into the fun too as the midget version of The Spirit Squad mooned it up for the viewers at home. What's with WWE wrestlers and their fascination with butts? Apparently, butts are hilarious, scary, and in need of pie in the world of Stamford. I am afraid. I am so cold. I am very afraid and very cold. It's as if I've been forced to watch Georgia Rule in a meat locker.
Please, WWE. I know your favourite sleeping garment is that pair of pajamas with the trap door opening on the fanny, but keep it to yourselves. No ifs, ands, or asses.
Mae Young's Prosthetic Breasticle Display at the 2000 Royal Rumble
Brian Kendrick also known as Spanky is wrong. Sliced Bread #2 is a not a twisty-flippy-interverted-turnbuckle-assisted-DDT maneuver. In actuality, the greatest thing since sliced bread is the female bosom. Invented in 1977 by Zachariah Bosom, the lady boob is a moon landing, a cure to a deadly disease, and a microwavable breakfast food in one. At its peak, mammaries provide food and shelter for the needy. Sometimes they will provide water but you can't will it to make water. Like a watched pot that does not boil, a watched breast does not irrigate the village soil in time for the harvest. Though, these fleshy sandbags can bring forth an apocalypse of Calypsonian proportions too.
Let us turn back the hands of time to the month of January in the year of 2001. The then-World Wrestling Federation held their annual Royal Rumble from Madison Square Garden in the York that is new. Mae Young was one of seven or so entrants in the Miss Rumble 2000 swimsuit contest. Other participants included Jacqueline, a woman who once had numerous classic matches with Disco Inferno, and emergency medical technician Barbara Bush (B.B. for short), a lass with double-d hearts of gold. When Mae Young undressed, she undressed more than she should have. The crowd groaned with disgust at Young's floppy ones. At home, I ran so fast from the living room that I travelled to Pluto by accident. Let this be lesson to all the eager pre-teen and teenage fellows out there who want nothing more than to see female nudity. Don't wish too hard, friends.
Nathan Jones
The introductory vignettes for Nathan Jones, billed as 'The Collosus of Boggo Road", were scary--scary freakin' awesome with two cherries on top of a sundae made of gold doubloons. His maddened mindset was conveyed on-screen in perfect fashion. The camera panned around Nathan Jones, shirtless in the outdoor area of a prison like a crazed maniac who was unsure as to where he put his shirt. Right after that, Jones screamed in various places in the prison, such as a bathroom that did not have any toilet paper left. At the time, there was no wrestler on national television scarier than Nathan Jones. Then, he debuted and made holy statues weep clownish tears.
Santa Maria. A roundhouse kick at Wrestlemania 19 was his shining moment. One kick and he was gone. That's it?
Physical Activity and The Great Khali
I am not afraid of the 1-time World Heavyweight Champion. The Great Khali has hands like frying pans, legs like tree trunks, and a face like a large human being--he's majestic but most of all stationary sight. When Khali stands there being Khali, he is the gentle mouse. Perhaps the mouse has a nightcap on with a fluffy ball at the end of it. If the Great Khali could just stand there in the ring forever, I would donate all of my possessions to the needy in gratitude. Alas, Khali is a mobile wrestler. The Punjab giant puts opponents in his vice grip, brain chops people in the brainal region, and lifts his feet an inch off the mat for big boots. When Khali starts his physical rampage, my heart stops. No, Khali. Don't exert yourself at all. Please listen. You are making the villagers flee with slippers on their feet. That's cruel.
I do not care if Khali fails the fitness test as long as he passes the Stand There And Look Menacing Test. Khali is like that love of your life whom you met online. Their picture paints them beautiful, but they become queen (or king) of Ug Mountain when you meet them in person. I have never tried online dating because online dating is for those who are desperate, which I am not nor will I ever be, what with my alluring symmetry and all. In conclusion, a still Khali is bananas. A moving Khali is half-eaten apples with worms in them.
Brother Ray of Team 3-D
Brother Ray has a big mouth. Brother Ray has a tank top shirt that he made out of a regular t-shirt. I have no problem with Devon, though Ray is a different story in another book on a brand new shelf in a room that is not mine. As of now, Team 3-D are destroying TNA's X-Division week after week. They wish to make it an Ex-Division (Get it? I said division.) Brother Ray berates the amazing duo of Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin, then slams them through tables. Ray comes out and says derogatory remarks towards the audience and the under-200-pound wrestlers in the ring. In response, they do nothing but take it. Will his reign of destruction ever end? Brother Ray is the fat dragon up on the pointy mountain that must be slayed. I may be the slayer, but I need to get my slaying permit first. I hope to slay the fat one day.
Two can play at the insult game, Bubba. Listen up, your hairstyle is too short for your head. Your arms appear to be bigger than your arm bones. Your mother is promiscuous because she likes more than one brand of instant coffee. You strike fear and bacon into the souls of the innocent. Well, it's freakfast time, muthasucka.
Sid Vicious' Leg Break
The event was WCW Sin 2001; it was the day of the sun; the Sid was vicious; the opponent was Scott Steiner. Sid Vicious attempted to do what appeared to be a double-axe handle on Big Poppa Pump and failed. Over the television, I heard his leg snap like a million Slim Jims at once. I would not wish such an unfortunate accident on my worst enemy. I would rather share my ice cream cone with my worst enemy than break my leg like Sid. In fact, I would spoon with my worst enemy if it meant that my leg would be spared. From that event forward, I promised myself that my limbs would not suffer a similar fate. Today I wrap my legs in bubble wrap, tin foil, and sofa cushions; I add three leg braces onto each knee.
If The Ruler of the World cannot get through a match without suffering, how great of a chance do I have to endure through this lifetime without harm? I'm out. I want to become a recluse. The moment I leave this abode, I have a feeling that my leg will crumble. I can't let this happen. I have a full brain, not half of a brain. I am not taking the chance.
Mike Tenay Angriness
This past TNA Impact, I fainted at the vision of the ever pertrurbed Mike Tenay. He pouted in reply to the actions of one Jimothy Cornette as he let the travesty that is the Kurt Angle title victory stay official. Tenay, in his tuxiest of tuxes, screamed and yelled like he has never screamed and yelled in the previous few seconds. This was uncharacteristic of a TNA announce team member for they are always golf tournament silent.
Don West will never be able to sell me Angry Mike Tenay. Even if he swims in a pile of Angry Mike Tenays, even if he adds a Ken Griffey Jr. Rookie Card to the deal, I am not sold. I am going to make myself a necklace of Tony Schiavone portraits for protection. Be gone, evil spirit. You doth protest demonry. Show your face again and I will destroy it, Tenay. Let's go to Jeremy Borash in the back. He has an exclusive interview with the silver gun I plan to use to take Angry Mike Tenay down. Oh no. Somebody is fighting Abyss again. Abyss is so bloody that his blood is bleeding bloody blood. We'll return on Spike right after this clip of a lady gyrating to nothing...
Ron Simmons vs. Santino Matches
I bet Ron Simmons thinks he is all great with wrist tape constantly on his wrists. Ron Simmons probably wears his DAMN shirt to formal and informal gatherings without hesitation. Well, I have news for the former Farooq (Formrooq)--it's Friday the 13th every time he puts on his damn wrestling boots and wrestles the one and only Santino Marella. Is Farooq aware that Santino Marella is a former Intercontinental Champion? Has Farooq read the most recent issue of Santino Weekly where Santino Marella dishes about his solid relationship with Maria? Whether he has or he hasn't, Farooq better not interfere with Santino again. Their battles disappoint the parents of the universe. Let Santino live his Italian life, Farooq. Take solace in the fact that you drank beer and smoked cigars real good in front of that door to nowhere with Bradshaw at your side.
I cannot jumble the letters in DAMN to make a funnier or more efficient word. Therefore, I will just say NAM'D. You got Vietnamed in my new reality show for MTV. Have fun starting up restaurants with delicious foreign cuisine, Farooq.
Kip James' Teal Attire
The used-to-be Billy Gunn's bellbottom pants is reminiscent of the attire of WWE Diva Torrie Wilson. In a recent interview, Kip James admitted that he wears outlandish ring attire to get noticed. I believe that one must embody the gimmick in a physical sense as well as a verbal sense, so I agree with Kipwell. With that said, I do not agree with him that much. I tolerate his man pigtails whenever he sports them like any upstanding North American does, but I draw a double bold line at Torrie Wilson pants. This year, I have decided not to decorate my front door with a cardboard skeleton and cheesecloth ghosts as per the usual. For Halloween 2007, I'm putting up a blown-up image of Kip James in Torrie Wilson garb.
Help me. A picture of Kip James in women's clothing is on my house.
This Sunday will be the most interactive day in the history of me. I am leaving this day up to you, the fans of The Swerved. You will determine my actions and decisions. I am tired of being an independent person. I will need your assistance, much like an elder needs a orderly to chew his potato chips for him. In no way will I sway your vote, but please vote for the first choice of each question. This is interactive. This is what we do when we cyber. I do not know what your teachers taught you in school, but when you cyber, you make a difference. I have counted about eight differences that you will make for yourself. Good work, Broseph.
WWE Cyber Sunday pales in comparison to My Cyber Sunday. WWE Cyber Sunday is the red-headed stepchild to My Cyber Sunday's strawberry beauty. You can take your online voting and shove it offline, World Wrestling Entertainment. Why should the public decide the nature of one measly Pay-Per-View when they can control a human for not only one day, but possibly the remainder of time as well?
Let the voting commence.
What company should sponsor My Cyber Sunday?
1)World Wrestling Entertainment 2) Total Nonstop Action 3) Ring of Honor 4) Milton Bradley's Karate Fighters
Wouldn't you like to see WWE sponsor this epic event? How about TNA? What about some ROH action? Should My Cyber Sunday be sponsored by a product and company that also sponsored the infamous WWF Survivor Series of 1997? There will be no screws nor jobs at this event. What will be present? Just a whole lot of voting. You decide.
What would it be like to see me use Colgate in the morning? How about Aquafresh? I have sensitive teeth, so will Sensodyne do the trick? When I need my whites to be the whitest, will a bunch of buxom girls play-fighting in their underwear do? I do not know how to tie my own shoelace, let alone choose a brand of toothpaste to use. Vote now. It's up to you.
What should I have for breakfast this Sunday?
1) Bacon and Eggs 2) Pancakes 3) Waffles 4) Steel Cage Match
I like edible things that come out of pigs and chickens. I like Aunt Jemima watching me eat. I don't like to let go of my Eggo. I don't think a chainlink fence is digestable, but I will try. So, what is it going to be? You have the power. Me want food.
What movie, by WWE Films, should I watch this Sunday?
1) See No Evil 2) The Marine 3) The Condemned 4) Gong Daddy Gong: The Adventures of Big Daddy V Banging A Gong
Is Jacob Goodnight good enough for this Sunday night? Is Sunday the day that John Triton rescues his wife? Is Jack Conrad Jack Conbad-to-the-Bone? Big Daddy V has a movie out and he doesn't even know it yet. WWE Films create nothing but masterpieces. Which masterpiece do you want me to view?
What should I do this late Sunday night?
1) Stay home 2) Party 3) Go to a bar/club 4) Lead pipe
Should I wear my "The Con Man" Rob Conway pajamas and become a homebody for the evening? Do you think Sunday is a night that's all right for partaying? Should I end the week on the dance floor with a shiny shirt on my body? On the other hand, lead pipe anyone? There are many activities to do on this great night. Please make the call now.
Who should I call to be my wingman on this hot and sultry Sunday city midnight?
We all know Steve Austin is a ladies' man; he is a gentleman who is always gentle with his women. Mick Foley was able to snatch Collette, a woman not afraid to wear an American flag tracksuit to one-up Sandman. Shaw "Bradjohn" Fieldlay is a man with a limo and a cowboy hat that he purchased with money. Women love money, but they also love to keep their lady business in check. What is a man without a wingman to do? This is your chance to decide the fate of the entire world almost.
What is My Cyber Sunday all about?
1) Vince McMahon getting to put Eric Bischoff in a dress. 2) Vince McMahon letting Eric Bischoff be attacked by an elderly woman's hoo-hah. 3) Vince McMahon putting Eric Bischoff in a back of a garbage truck full of eldery woman's hoo-has while Eric wears a dress. 4) Kevin Federline.
My Cyber Sunday has one goal and one goal only--to have many goals. In case you are not aware, I have acquired the assistance of one Vincent Kennedy McMahon to help me pull off this prestigious event. Vince would like this Sunday to have a concept, but what concept will it be? Should we embarrass Eric Bischoff, just as Vince prefers? Should we embarrass Eric Bischoff, just as Vince prefers? Should we embarrass Erich Bishoff, just as Vince prefers? Kevin Federline? There is a pattern here, but it's your choice to make.
What do I think of the name Cyber Sunday?
1) lol 2) lmao 3 wtf 4) Picture of a cat with accompanied text that relates to what the cat is doing in the picture. He is hasing cheezburger dis thymez.
I no brain not have. Me not of reaction any. Make response for I now. Oh, look. That stage is a computer and the aisle is a keyboard, dude. Shawn Michaels is praying at QWERTY. He's about to upload an attack of a violent nature. Gnarly. This is much more cybertastic than a Monday. I'll tell you that right now.
What you gonna say when she comes your way? The oldest young person you will ever see What you gonna say when she comes your way?
Dakota, Dakota, Surname Fanning (Hey) Dakota, Dakota, that's her name-o Dakota, Dakota, Surname Fanning (Hey) Dakota, Dakota, transported by Tom Cruise
It's the return of Dakota Fanning Her last name rhymes with Carol Channing's She's getting all tangled up in Charlotte's Web Protecting Wilbur from a crispy bacon death
Can Rey Rey fight back or even attack Her eloquent speeches while she's sipping Cognac? She sits by the fire, he tries to outfly her Is he gonna fray her Sunday church attire?
This feud is getting pretty ridiculous But it's entertaining for the audience Dominic likes it too, yeah he better like it Big smile on his face So Rey better beat that little girl In a potato sack race
Last match was a time limit draw This calls for another cruiserweight war Maybe Rey will Drop the Dime on the lady The Cat in the Hat was bad, but this payback is crazy
Dakota, Dakota, Surname Fanning (Hey) Dakota, Dakota, that's her name-o Dakota, Dakota, Surname Fanning (Hey) Dakota, Dakota, transported by Tom Cruise
I have something to tell you, Reader of Words and Sentences--I am ashamed to be a wrestling fan. A cameraman is standing right next to me as I am typing out this secret to you, but do not tell a soul. Surely, you may believe that I have no shame for I appear to be a confident and independent being, but you believe lies. You see, professional wrestling is the hideous article of clothing in my closet that I do not want to take out and put on my person. When I integrate wrestling into the outside world, the world spits it right back at me, and back into the closet it goes. The skeptics laugh and point at the superstars of wrestling. They mock their attire, their long greasy locks, and their uncanny ability to appear smelly over the television somehow. Since they do not care for the entertainment sport, they do not care for me. I am sick of their judgmental eyes, judging me as if each of their eyes were respective judges. Yes, I analyze and follow wrestling, but that is not a crime; I am no criminal. Just because wrestling steals my heart does not mean I steal things in life. Leave me alone, Earth. Leave me be. I deserve this cake. I deserve to have the ends and the middle at this metaphorical co-worker's birthday party.
This harsh world has left my insides to suffer and perish. My conscience is filled with secrets to the brim. Where am I to unleash these underlying thoughts and truths? Should I take it to a friend, who will understand completely yet play Halo 3 on my X-Box for 5 straight hours afterward, assuring me that the next game will be his "last try"? Should I take it to the church, where I will be forgiven, but forced to drink wine and eat bread when I have a craving for coffee and crackers instead? Should I take it directly to the Lord, who will listen though look down on me because he is not willing to get off his Sealy Posturepedic cloud? On fourth thought, I will do the next best thing--I will reveal my wrestling-related secrets on this wrestling-related blog in hopes that negative two people will read it. Many a justice will belong to me.
We are gathered here today to join together writer and reader in holy secret-keeping. With this ring, I thee confess. If there are any objections to this confession, I will Indian Deathlock your teeth.
1) I coined the name Cyber Sunday. WWE used the name to title its Pay-Per-View event where fans could decide matches and match stipulations through online voting. When I told them the name, I intended that it should be utilized to title a event in which somebody has cyber sexual relations with a hot fudge sundae. WWE did not keep their promise.
2) What happened to TNA's "adrenaline rush"? You mean, TNA lets it go at its own pace now? Can I have a second? I have something in my eye: tears.
3) Through inside sources, I know why the heart of ECW covers up his melon with a bandana. Tommy Dreamer's hair is being fired by World Wrestling Entertainment in a gradual fashion; he does not want anyone to know about this fact. By this time next year, he will be bald, yet his pants will be ever the more velour.
4) After watching episodes of TNA Impact several times over in slow, fast, and regular motion, I have come to the conclusion that Pacman Jones' leapfrog is not a leapfrog at all but a veiled and failed attempt to get opponents to give him piggyback rides. Somebody tell him that he's trying to mount others in an incorrect manner. Piggyback? On the back? It's the Backman Jones. Piggybackman Jones.
5) The following truth is top-of-the-pops secret popcorn: I heard that Beth Phoenix is otherwise known as The Glamazon. Bonus hidden truth: The Glamazon is a glamourous version of Amazon.com. This week only, you can save 20% off on all paperback books covered in pink ribbons and perfume.
6) I will never buy Lilian Garcia's new CD entitled ¡Quiero Vivir! An entire album dedicated to Lilian Garcia moaning in pain at the hands of Charlie Haas accidental rope slingshots will be a very poor album.
7) When Chuck Palumbo comes down the aisle, how does his motorcycle move the steel steps up against the barricade and back against the steel ringpost like that? I want a telekinetic motorcycle. No fair, curly hair.
8) Santino Marella and I have a lot in common. For one, I also regret that Santino used to get his jollies from watching Britney Spears. It's "Crossroads" Britney isn't it, Santino? You disgust me.
9) I find it almost impossible to watch Team 3-D matches because they give me migraines. For me, they appear on screen as a blurry mess of various red and blue shades. Until I find my pair of 3-D glasses, I will have to deal with this problem.
10) Mike Knox of ECW stole my gesture. I too have one arm weaker than the other; one arm goes up while the other just hangs there in mid-air. I can only do letter K poses whenever I attempt to pose in the shape of the letter X. Is Mike Knox mocking me?
11) My favourite gimmick bout in 2007 WWE is the Punjabi Prison Match. My mind rests easy with the knowledge that pandas all over the world are watching with envy. Take it and love it like one of your own, Bai Yun of the San Diego Zoo.
12) I am not a fan of the Irish Whip. It is a move that entails one wrestler holding the hand of another before running. It is as if the wrestler is asking his opponent, "Do you want to go on this romantical journey into the fields of ecstacy with me?" Every time the opponent gets whipped into the turnbuckle, I imagine that his answer is yes. Every time that the opponent refuses, I think that he is not ready for that kind of commitment yet.
13) I am so used to the WWE Spinner Championship that I find it difficult to appreciate pictures which feature previous non-spinning incarnations of the title belt. For instance, when I observe an image of the WWF Winged Eagle Belt, I spin my head around to trick my mind into believing that the faceplate is twirling too.
14) I am romantically involved with Bears Mahoney, also known as the stuffed animal that Balls Mahoney gave to Kelly Kelly as a gift. When The Miz punted Bears into the audience, it was the end of its WWE career. Why? To tell you the truth, we both asked for our releases from the company. We would not have been able to see each other while on separate brands (Bears was with ECW, I was with not-ECW.) This relationship will not work if we are kept apart.
15) HBK took my Halloween costume idea-- I too want to be a Texan Crocodile Dundee, especially if a Texan Crocodile Dundee wears knee braces under his jeans like Shawn does.
16) I am the Last Man Standing. How did I do it? I stood within a group of women only.
17) I got in a feud once. Good thing I was able to eat more pizza than that guy.
18) I plan to win the 2008 Royal Rumble. You can only be eliminated if both of your feet touch the ground. I'll saw off my feet by January. I'll be good to go.
19) Jimmy Wang Yang is my buoy. Turn my ship left? Yes-haw.
20) I saw a fisherman use a suplex to catch a fish once. It was not necessary. He splashed around in the water for ten months trying to catch that thing. Is he aware of the concept of bait?
His Dad was beaten just the other day Randy put the boot to him in the cartoonish way He saw his Pop's face drop to the ground Next to the bottom crib rope, where the son was found He tried to get the mask as Randy tried to get it too Randy said "SMMMOKIN' is probably bad for you, son. SMMMOKIN' is probably bad for you."
And there's Orton and the Son and the Loki Mask There's that little dog as well, I think his name was Max If Jamie Kennedy appears, Don't tell me when, 'cause I hate to kick it old school, man You know I hate to kick it old school You know I hate to kick it old school
The Question: Who wins and how?
*****
NEXT WEEK
F-U, pectoral muscle tear.
AND
I recover from Canadian Tanksgiving, a day in which everybody is thankful for army tanks.
This week, we go back to a Pit article from March of 2006 when we were younger, brighter, and had yesterday hopes and dreams that have been crushed by the obstacles of today. During that period, the feud between one Triple H and one Jonathan Cena was fantastic in more ways than three-and-a-quarter. To the delight of the professional wrestling audience nation, Triple H tapped to Cena's STFU at Wrestlemania 22. Cena would go on to hold the twirling, twirling, twirling gold for most of the days up until now. I will miss Cena as the WWE Champion. My memories of his non-existent rap battle with Triple H will be forever etched in my Etch-A-Sketch brain. I got stairs. I still got stairs. Now I have a face made out of stairs. Alright, there we go. Rap battle. Oh, it's a rap battle on stairs.
Bask in the aged deliciousness, nation. We will speak again very soon.
-Stephen
*****
Triple H is a 10-time world champion, "The King of Kings", and one the greatest wrestlers ever to step foot in a wrestling ring. Yet, has he ever faced someone the likes of John Cena? While Mr. Helmsley may be excellent in his own right, John Cena often wears a hat, so who has the advantage here? Wrestlemania 22 is the grandest stage of them all, and I believe Triple H and John Cena will make the Chicago crowd come alive. It is the feud of the century, somewhat like The Rock vs. Steve Austin, except not.
(If Steve Austin had to face The Rock in a rap battle, he would win one hand down [I am confident about my prediction, but not that confident.] Why do I think Austin will win? According to The Rock, Austin listened and may still listen to The Backstreet Boys, who are the hip hop overlords of our time. That's enough for me.)
These two competitors are matched up fairly well. Triple H has the patended Pedigree, a move which not only violently drives his opponents straight to the mat, but forces them to house their heads in the warm crevice of a grown man's groinal area. John Cena has the FU, a fireman's carry slam worthy of a fireman. Additionally, the STFU is a new submission move of his, recently added to his arsenal of shaking all mad-like and having a belt that spins. How did WWE come up with the name STFU? They included the letter U to the stepover-toehold-facelock name to insinuate a vulgar phrase aimed towards Cena's adversary. This is completely different from my original idea, which involved the U being included for the purpose of proposing the construction of Stepover-Toehold-Facelock University. Now my future kids won't be able to get that kind of education.
(Stepover-Toehold-Facelock University has a wonderful horticulture program, and their tuition fees cannot be beat. As you can tell, I am a big supporter of STFU. I hope their basketball team goes all the way this year. Go Fighting 5-Counts!)
The feud between them should be very exciting. Will they brawl and be pulled apart by WWE officials? Will Triple H continue to speak ill of Cena? Will Cena proceed to stand there and take it? In the immortal words of Hulk Hogan... "Most likely maybe, I assume."
(Has that catchphrase worn out its welcome or what? Dang.)
But, what I do know is that Triple H and John Cena are going to rap. Triple H is from Connecticut; one would think that he would not be proficient in freestyling, but little do you know that Greenwich, Connecticut was originally named "Big Pimpin' USA". I bet John Cena and Randy Savage have tea parties, so that's where his rap skills come from.
Anyway, if I'm positively sure of one thing, that thing is this: on the road to Wrestlemania 22, they... are about... to... kick it.
(Vicky Vale, Vick-a-Vicky Vale. Vicky Vale, Vick-a-Vicky Vale. If I do not become the billionaire writer I want to one day be, I have my rap skills to fall back on. On the streets, they call me MC Electrolyte because I make parties conducive to bumpin'. I should have been the guy to show up on the Heat before Wrestlemania 19, rapping at cardboard cut-outs. I spend my Sundays rapping at cardboard cut-outs... in the park... by myself. This hobby should become a lifestyle.)
Triple H's Keys to Rap Supremacy: 1) Use your microphone as a weapon, cupping your hand over the cover. This will act as your "verbal sledgehammer". 2) Wear suits to prove that you're from the streets. 3) Eat Wendy's.
(4) Don't put too much weight on your quadriceps. It will strain your angelic voice.)
John Cena's Keys to Rap Supremacy: 1) As you rap, continually execute the F-U on the Big Show. You will be cheered. 2) Love it when a plan comes together. 3) Continue to look like the offspring of Kevin Bacon and Matt Damon.
(4) Get your father to drop the beat.)
HHH: My name is Triple H, there's a Hunter in my first name Press select, then start if you wanna play with The Game I'm sure Mr. John Cena will take this privilege To play with his Nintendo and blow on my cartridge
(As a child, the only Nintendo Entertainment System wrestling game I got to play was called M.U.S.C.L.E., but I'm not particularly proud to admit it. You could punch, jump kick, and fall on your butt. You could be a viking. Gameplay is not what it used to be.)
Cena: Hunter Hunter bo bunter Banana fana fo funter Fe fi mo munter Hunter
HHH: Stephanie and I are having a baby I also planted seeds in Chain Gang ladies I'm gonna have some sons, I'm gonna have some daughters They will stroll out the womb, then angrily spit out water
(I think Triple H meant to say that his children would spit out milk, not water. They will not spit out milk to be intimidating; they will simply be raised to be lactose-intolerant. Triple H McMahon and Stephanie McMahon-McMahon are my sworn enemies 4-lyfe.)
Cena: One, two Hunter is the greatest wrestler alive today Three, four I'm okay, but not compared to HHH Five, six Triple H is a ten-time champion, and that makes him the best Seven, eight Everything he says to undermine my character has validity Nine, ten Hopefully if I'm luckily, I will pull out an upset victory
HHH: It's all about control, and if you can take it It's all about my beard, and if Cena can face it He can't be a man like the one Levesque If he wants to hang with me, he better grow some big breasts
(Triple H has been with Chyna, who has implants, and Stephanie McMahon, who has implants. If he is coaxing women to increase their chest size to that of his own chest, he has an crippling ego problem. Triple H is a B cup if I ever saw one.)
Cena: Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows Everything that's wonderful when I pump my shoes up Brighter than a lucky penny When Hunter is near the rain goes, disappears, and I feel fine Just to know that he's mine
(Cena used to pump his shoes up before executing the Five Knuckle Shuffle. I do not understand why he did so because pumping air into your shoes does not magically give your knuckle immense power. What is the correlation, sir? This is an act that is quite similar to a man putting air into his car tires before flying a plane.)
HHH: I'm a man with a plan that will make Cena lose At Wrestlemania 22, I will put on ruby tap shoes There's no place like home when I'm a world champion He's not Batista or Benoit so I'm not gonna lose again
Cena: He's a new boy in your neighbourhood His name is Triple H and it's understood Hunter's there just to take good care of me Like he's one of the family
He's "Paul In Charge" Of my losses and victories He's "Paul In Charge" Of my finite popularity
And you'll want You'll want Paul in charge of me
(I have come to the conclusion that the more Hunter acts French and snooty, the more I like him as a wrestling personality and human being. Triple H as Jean-Paul Levesque is free to hoard my fridge for whatever snacks he may need. If Jean-Paul Levesque needs a more comfortable chair, I will retrieve one for him or make his chair in a woodshop--no questions asked. If he wants to sit back and watch Grey's Anatomy, I will change the channel and put in a tape to record the first of what will be a season-long complication for him. Conversely, 2007 Triple H will need to use a coaster. I'm sorry.)
HHH: Gonna beat Cena real bloody, hook the Pedigree He won't even see the ref count one, two, three This is how we do it in the W-W-E I'll put "Vanilla" on "ice" on Pay-Per-View TV
Cena: Dental plan Hunter needs braces Dental plan Hunter needs braces Dental plan Hunter needs braces
(I want to be objective, but Cena just served Triple H big time right there. The worst thing a man can tell another man is that the alignment of his teeth is askew. He might as well slap the beard right off of Triple H's face while he's at it.)
HHH: Vince McMahon will pull down his pants Shane McMahon will do a shuffle dance I will stand proud with the title in my hand As Linda plays me off air with her Motorhead jug band
Cena: What's Hunter gonna do with that sledgehammer? That sledgehammer in front of the cameras? While I’m a get, get, get, get, him crunk, Get him love crunk off my hump What's he gon’ do with all those promos? All those promos on Monday nights? While I’m a make, make, make, make him face Make him face, make him face Cause of my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump My hump, my hump, my hump, my lovely lady lumps
(I like to think that John Cena has lady lumps to be proud of, but I don't think he got them in an honest and or pure manner. Does the Wellness Policy check for smuggled lady lumpage? The punishment for having smuggled lady lumps should not be three strikes; the committer should be fire immediately. Zero tolerance, I say. There will be no corruption.)
HHH: Word life, this is basic Hunternomics While John is using home economics "Hey Hunter, I baked you a cake, hon!" If I want some bitch, then I'll come get me some
(This time, Triple H turns the tables and serves Cena. He's passing up cake, for Peter's sake. Too many people are being served these days. This is getting dangerous. I don't want the young ones to see this carnage. I want a peaceful neighbourhood, gentlemen. What are you doing to my stomping grounds?)
Cena: Check this out, I'm gonna rhyme with orange ... ... ... Aw crap
(In actuality, dorange rhymes with orange. You won't find dorange in the dictionary because it is too awesome to be confined to the pages of a dictionary. Dorange is a adjective used to describe a paragraph that entails a blog author trying to come up with a stupid made-up word to rhyme with orange. For instance, this series of sentences is a dorange paragraph. I could go on and on about the word dorange, though I do not want to bore the audience. Maybe I should talk about something else. Should I not go on? Should dorange not dorange dorange dorange? Danny Dorange and Roadkill was a good oddball ECW tag team. Dorange.)
Game Hunter Assassinating Hearst Game Helmsley Wrestling Aristocrat Game The is having a party. Autumn calls for chills and falling leaves, but Triple H does not want the summer to stop. Due to injury, he sadly missed out on all those gnarly waves and beautiful bikini babes. As of now, he wishes to make up for his lost sun-filled moments with a shindig of epic proportions. Don't you think it's about time that he revisit those dog days of July and August we so much enjoyed, which no doubt passed him by with the quickness? Sure you do. You have no choice.
Your local beach may be desolate and full of used hypodermic needles, but here at Triple H's Beach Party Domination, the only litter that you will find will be a basket of kittens -- sex kittens that is. There will be no surf, there will be no sand, but there will be bucket loads of fun in store for you.
Are you invited? If you have a face that is capable of being driven to the canvas, or a back that is magnetically attracted to the mat, absolutely positively yes. This is going to be peachy keen. Gee whiz, Hunter. You sure know how to throw a party.
Triple H is dominatin' Triple H is dominatin' Triple H is dominatin' We're gonna play The Game
Triple H is the kind of guy who will wear a floppy hat with a sunflower on it for laughs. If you don't laugh at his humourous appearance, he will bury you in the sand and unleash a whole bunch of crabs on you. The crabs will walk sideways towards our face. Then, they will claw your eyes out... sideways.
Get yourself a tag team partner This party's gonna be boss Here's a song you two can sing now One, two, three, and a loss
When Triple H takes a moonlight walk on the beach, he likes to spend a minute or two to appreciate life with a clam dig. He scoops up a clam, puts it in a Pedigree, and leaves it for dead. The rules of clam digging do not apply to him.
Triple H is dominatin' Triple H is dominatin' Triple H is dominatin' We're gonna play The Game
If Triple H was the second scoop of a three-scoop ice cream cone, he'd find a way to make it to the top. It's much safer up there.
Here's a lad and here's a lassie Coming down the bend They're gonna help Triple H out And he'll beat them again
Triple H tried to surf once, but failed. He said the waves were not large enough or talented enough to keep him up. His argument seems valid to me because I want to live.
Look up at those real bright lights They're so shiny and white Triple H has never seen one Not on Monday or a Sunday night
Triple H thinks beach balls are too colourful and charismatic for their own good. He challenged one to a push-up contest once. Despite his torn groin, Triple H won decisively, dressed in his uncharacteristic biker shorts.
Triple H is dominatin' Triple H is dominatin' Triple H is dominatin' We're gonna play The Game
One day at the beach, Triple H swam out into the deep waters of the ocean. The lifeguard yelled at him for doing so. Triple H came back and nailed the lifeguard with a Harley Race-like knee (where did he attain a replica of Harley Race's knee, anyway?) I don't know why the lifeguard had to shout. Hunter had floaties on, daggone it.
There is no one left to beat now What's a Hunter to do? You seagulls best better take flight now Hunter's comin' for you
While children were building sandcastles, Triple H built a sledgehammer made out of tightly packed sand. He beat those sandcastles with that sandhammer. In turn, he struck those children with the sandhammer and sand went everywhere. Aw, it's in the netting of their bathing suits. Why, Hunter, why?
Triple H is dominatin' Triple H is dominatin' Triple H is dominatin' We'll never win at this We'll never win at this Nobody wins at this Game
Game over!
Triple H took all my Frisbees. I guess he likes Frisbees a whole bunch. He loves disc, he loves disc, he loves disc.
